Octob. 1662. God put it into my heart, as at other times so especially on Wednesdays (the day on which I was wont to Preach my Le∣cture) when I was not diverted by some un∣expected Providence, to lament after the Lord who had cast me out of my employment in his Vineyard, and to seek to him for a dis∣covery of the cause for which he contends with me, and that he would shew me for what sin or sins he hath sent this sad affliction, and that he would give me a sanctified use thereof, by purging out my sins and making me more holy, and that he would restore me again to some employment in his Vineyard, when and where it shall seem good in his sight.
Page 96 Being sad and dejected because I had sinned now I was under the afflicting hand of God, I was very much revived by Isa. 57. 17, 18. I smote him—he went on in the way of his own heart, I have seen his ways and will heal him. Having afterward sinned again, and been over-powred by a corruption which had oft prevailed over me, I was caused to observe from that Scripture further, that it was not only a single Act of sin which was committed, but he went on in the way of his heart; and God saith, I have seen his ways and will heal him. It was a stay to my Faith. Here I observe what I have often found, viz. 1. Dejection is a fore-runner of Consolation. Seldom have I had trouble upon my Spirit, but if I have eyed and followed after God, he hath took it off by some word of promise. 2. The observing and pondering of every word and Circumstance in a promise is of great use, as it hath been to me. 3. God openeth his promises gradually sometimes hinting and discovering one thing, and then another in the promise.
Being foiled by sin I was raised to my for∣mer hope and affiance in God by Phil▪ Page 97 Children of God till the coming of Christ.
Being another time foiled with the same corruption, and my heart sinking in a despon∣dent frame, I was much revived from Jam. 4. 5. 6. He giveth more grace. Where I saw that even our strongest sins, such as our cor∣rupt natures are most prone to, and are deeply rooted in our hearts and Spirits, are conque∣rable by Gods grace.
Being troubled that I had sinned against God under his Correcting hand, and having thereby lost my former Comfort which God had spoken to my Soul after my former back∣slidings, I sighed over the great Treachery and unstedfastness of my heart, and casting about in my thoughts where I should find a sutable word to fix on, God brought to my remem∣brance. Isa. 48. 8, 9. I knew that thou wouldest deal very Treacherously—for my Names sake will I defer my Anger. While I was musing and pondering hereon and had new hope put into me, the Lord let in further Comfort and encouragement from. vers. 10, 11. which is rendred by Piscat. Behold I will refine thee, and I will make thee a choice one in the furnace of affliction: for mine own sake, even for mine own sake will I do it. Which gave me abundant refreshment, and did marvellously strengthen my hope in God. This was given me in when I had set apart some time to humble my Soul.
