Life of Tomaso the Wanderer an epitome.

THE LIFE OF Tomaso the Wanderer.

PROEMIVM.

W'Ave had ful many famous Wights, Some styl'd Squires, and others Knights, Who for Armes, as well as Artes Were counted men of Excellent Parts. As Sir Hudibras for fighting. Gregory Nonsence for his writing. Archy for a crafty Courtier. Muckle John for making sport there. Coriat one that lov'd to wander: And Squire Apple-John for pander. Clancy for a Furb and Cheater; (None e're knew the slights of't better: But for all (I'le boldly say so,) None more famous then Tomaso.

But to leave Verse, and fall to Prose.

BEing to write Tomaso's Life, I know not well what style to write it in; for, he's too vicions for Raillerie, and not worth a se∣rious thought; but he's more fit for the Satyrical style, less fit he's for any other; in that it shall be then.

He was one born to discredit all the Pro∣fessions he was of; the Traveller, Courtier, Soldier, Writer, and the Buffoon, in all: All which we shall Treat of, severally and apart, after w'ave told you his Nature and Disposition.

Of his Nature and Disposition.

HE was so ill Natur'd, as he car'd not in whose light he stood, so he might see; nor whom he indamag'd, so he might gain by it; and if he had a kindness for any one, 'twas only for being as vicious as himself: So even his good Nature was but an effect of his ill; and his ill in every thing predominant.

He thought all the World made for

him, and he for none; and that all wisdom consisted in keeping his own, and getting as much as he could of another Man's.

He was another Titus reverst; and thought he had lost a day when he had harm'd and mischiev'd none; and was so pernicious to every one, as if that saying be true, that one man is a Wolf unto another; 'twas never more verified then in him; so as if King Lucius were alive agen, he'd give more for freeing the Land from him alone, then for∣merly he did for all the Wolves together.

How he Wandred Abroad.

HE talks of Banishment, but 'tis well known he was forc'd to fly his Coun∣try for debt, long before any other Banish∣ment was talked of, and he bandited him∣self but as Citizens turn Bankerouts to couzen their Creditors. Besides,

To add to his evil nature as evil Arts, he went abroad, and in Italy studied the Putana Errante, the Picaro in Spain, and all the Fripons and Friponeries in France, till he had perfectly learnt all their Arts, and was compleatly qualified to deboish and couzen every one.

To tell you of his Deboisheries I shou'd offend all modest ears; and I wou'd I had some qualifying Term, to call his deceits and Cozenages by, (for to call every thing by their proper Names is course, and sa∣vouring of Rusticity;) but be the name what it will, the thing's the same.

'Twere endless to tell you how he de∣ceiv'd and coz'ned every one, of all Quali∣ties, Nations, and Religions, Iews, Italians, Courtesans, &c. but especially those of his own Country; nor was ever any more a∣dopted for't then he, who was flattering and insinuating, and had learnt of Lysander, that as Children are coz'ned with Nuts and Apples, so Men are with good words and fair promises; and he was so wrapt up in craft and dissimulation, as you might sooner peel a Bulbus Root out of all his Rinds, then unfold him out of all his subtilties; and sweep an Earthen Flore to its last grain of dust, then come to an end of his dissimula∣tion. So wandred he up and down, (worse then a Mounte bank, for he cures Men, but Tomaso made them worse▪ those fell Druggs, but ••he Fumo▪ or smoak, and their Receipts were for others, but his was for himself,) till finding no more abroad, to cozen and

deboish, without which there was no li∣ving for him; (the one maintaining the other, and either him,) he return'd home at last, and might well say with Buscon his fellow-Wanderer:

Con l' Art e con l' Inganno Vivo l' mezzo part l' Anno; Con l' Inganno e con l' Art, Vivo l' Altra mezzo part.

That is in English,

With my Art, and with deceit, Part of my Living I do get, And I get the other part With deceit and with my Art.

Being return'd, he fell to practising at home the Artes he had learnt abroad, and had a more profitable field for it, though not so ample as he had before.

How he was a Courtier.

ALthough he had a better place in Court, then he deserved, yet he would needs add the Buffoon's place unto it, as more suitable to his humour and disposition, and more priviledge to abuse and raile at every one: there being none of any Dignity in Church or State whom he had not saucily abus'd with his leud and scurrilous Tongue; for he was of a bold abusive wit; and whilst others took care of what they said, he talkt madly, dash, dash, and never car'd how he be spatter'd others, or defil'd himself, spa∣ring neither his own, nor others shames; and his impudent boldness was all his wit, with which he caus'd Laughter, but 'twas rather forc'd then natural, and as they laught at mischief, so they laught at him; his Jests having always somewhat of malice in them, and he being the worst sort of Satyr, not against Vice, but Vertue; a profest enemy to all that were Vertuous, and never pardon∣ing Vertue in any one.

So he was a perpetual Libel in the Court of others, and to others of the

Court; and they but repeated his bold speeches, when they wou'd speak ill of it, though the worst they cou'd say of it, was only that he was one of it.

Whence if the Court (as they say) be a Heaven or a Firmament, where the Prince is the Sun, and other Courtiers, (as they are nigh to him in place) bright shining Stars, he certainly was a dark Cloud obscuring all the rest, and the Court wou'd shine far brighter if he were but away.

How he was a Soldier.

DUring the Warrs, not to be a Soldier, he made himself a Captain, and to scape fighting, has continued so ever since, his Sword being so little able to boast its blood, as all its nobility lyes in the Hylt and Belt; and it derives its honour more from the Scabbard then the Blade.

All the Employment he had during the Warrs, was now and then to bring up a Convoy of Wenches to the Camp, (a sort of terrible Engins of War, that do as much harm and execution by Land, as Fire-Ships do by Sea) whence he gain'd the honour∣able

Title of Pimp-Master General of the Army; in which office he continued till (chiefly for his sins) his side at last being overcome; he, as from some common ship-wrack was the first that sav'd himself; and so he were safe, car'd not what became of all the rest.

Of his second Expedition.

I Could tell you, but that 'twere too long a digression, how in this his second Ex∣pedition, Cum Privilegio of Cavalier and Royalist, he coz'ned more in the Kings name, then ever Constable apprehended, or Judge condemned. Only I will say that if he fleec't them before, he flay'd them now; and plain Coz'nage might have past for Honesty, compar'd to the tricks, slights, project, and inventions, which he had to cozen them, especially his own Country-men; so as his name became as formidable to 'um as ever Drakes was to the Spaniards, or Talbots to the French; and so it has continued ever since. And in this▪ and his first go∣ing abroad it was, when he fell to writing Plays, and h'ad good witness, he cou'd write one in a day, or two; imagine but what stuff it must be the whi••st.

Of his Writings.

'TIs a great Commendation for a man to be, tam marte quam mercurio; as good at Artes and Armes; and so was he, for he was good at neither; yet he would needs be writing, though he could not spell, and be an Author, without Rhyme or Reason; and without any other learning, then only that of vice and debaucherie: Whence his writings were so scurrilous and prophane, as for less, the Heathens ba∣nisht their Writers formerly, and the Chri∣stians burn their writings by the hand of common Hang-men, for less Mar∣tial's Poet was damn'd, when forc'd by the Furies to confess his crime, he only cry'd out Scripsi, that he had writ: and whilst others shall have o∣ther Books at the latter day pro∣duced against them, he shall only need his own to condemn him and thou∣sands others too; (there's so much of the Devil and of Tomaso in them) but that fevv or none ever

read what he has writ, excepting only such as are so bad already, his writings cannot make them worse, and so corrupted, as they cannot corrupt them more.

Which he perceiving, was so impudent to bring them upon the stage, to infect that with it too, by which he has frighted all chast ears from thence, and will all the rest in time, if he may have but his Playes Acted, or the appointing of those which are.

Of his Religion.

OF his Religion I say nothing, since he had none at all, (having left it long before that he might make no scruple nor conscience of any thing) and your Athiest and Heathen were Names too serious for him, who only made a mockery of it, and coun∣ted it all a cheat; Devotion, foppery; Scrip∣ture, fabulous; Heaven and Hell, nothing; and Gods and Fiends, only inventions of men to fright and terrifie Fools from being as bravely wicked as himself; who laught and made a fool of Machiavel, for holding that none cou'd be extreamly vicious.

L' Envoy.

FOr his Diseases I will not touch them, not to defile my self, who had truckt vices for diseases so long, till he had enough to furnish an Hospital; nor will I describe his Person, who being a Monster of a man, I shou'd shame and dishonour Humanity to set him forth in any humane shape; imagine him as ugly as you please, whilst I declare his ugly qualities.

Onely to make an end of depainting him, He is most commonly pictur'd with a Dog, the right embleme of his dis∣position; only a Mastive is too ge∣nerous a beast for him, it shou'd have been rather some moungril Cur, always craving, and never satisfied, fawning on his greatest enemies to serve his ends, and those once serv'd, barking at his dearest friends; by which Dog-tricks of his, as he was an enemy to all, so he made every one an enemy to him.

Thus have I briefly and in Epitome, set forth his Life, reserving the making his History more at large, untill I shall hear that he is not content with this.

FINIS.