The history of the Inquisition, as it is exercised at Goa written in French, by the ingenious Monsieur Dellon, who laboured five years under those severities ; with an account of his deliverance ; translated into English.

CHAP. XXI. (Book 21)

New excesses to which my Despair carried me.

I Became more furious than ever by the absence of my Companion; I beat my Breast and my Face with my Fist; and not contented with that, sought means to take away my life, which I could not lose by my former attempt. I believed well that I should not succeed in Coun∣terfeiting Sickness a second time; and even if I should really be believed, if they opened me a Vein, they would take all possible precaution to hin∣der me from losing my Blood a second time. This is the reason why being animated with my Despair, I remembred that notwithstanding the diligent search which had been made upon me, when I was shut up, I had saved some pieces of Gold which had been sown in a Ribband tied about the Calf of my Leg, in form of a Garter. I took then one of those pieces, which I broke in two, and sharpned one part so well, and so long against an Earthen Pot, that I gave it a point, and made it cut on both sides. This I made use of as a Launcet, with design to open the Arteries of my Arm. I took for this end all necessary precautions; I thrust it into my Arm as far as was possible; but notwithstanding all my cares, I could not effect what I intended; and instead of the Arteries, I opened only the Veins that are above them.

Being resolved no longer to keep any measure, I contented not my self with drawing out my Blood by degrees. I let both my Arms bleed, till growing faint I laid my self down in my Blood, wherewith the Chamber was filled. And it is certain that if God by a particular mercy had not di∣rected, that at that very time the door should be opened to bring me some∣what necessary, in a time when it was not ordinary for the Guards to come, I had miserably lost both my Life and my Soul. I leave you

to imagine the surprize of the Guards when they saw me in this conditi∣on. They immediaely called the Alcaide, and altogether came in. They bound up my Arms, and used such Skill, that I soon returned out of that swoon, wherein so considerable an evacuation of Blood had re∣duced me. They first carried this news to the Inquisitor, who ordered they should lead me to Audience, whether I was carried at four a Clock.

Lying at length upon the Ground, my extreme weakness not per∣mitting me either to stand or sit, the Inquisitor, after many reproaches, commanded them to carry me away, and put Manacles upon me, to hinder me from pulling off the bands wherewith my Arms were bound up; this was immediately put in execution, and I had not only my hands chained, but also a Coller of Iron that was joyned to the Manacles, and was shut with a Padlock, insomuch as I could not any longer move my Arms.

But this proceeding served only to inrage me the more; I threw my self upon the ground; I ran my Head against the Walls and Pavement. If they had suffered me to continue never so little while in this condition, my Arms would infallibly have been unbound, and I could not have avoided death: But as they kept a strict eye upon me, they perceived very well by my actions, that severity was not seasonable, and that it were better to try ways of sweetness; they took off my Irons therefore, and endeavoured to comfort me with deceitful hopes. They changed my Chamber, and once more gave me a Companion, who had order to answer for me; nevertheless God who had always preserved me from so great an unhappiness, dissipated by his Grace, the despair wherein I was plunged. More happy herein than many others, who often Mur∣der themselves in the Prisons of the Holy Office, where these unhappy persons are debarred all sorts of humane comforts. My new Companion stayed with me, about two months, and as soon as they perceived me to be more peaceable, he was taken away, although my weakness was then so great, that I could scarce rise from my Bed to receive my Meat at the door, which was set not above two paces from it. At last, after I had passed a year in this manner, by suffering much, I even contracted a ha∣bit of suffering; and God, after that, gave me patience enough not to make any more attempts upon my life.