which are the too ordinary consequences of them. For if persons who
have Learning and Education, who are instructed in their duties, and
who never forsake the considerations of Faith, fall into such Extremities;
what may not be feared from so many ignorant persons without Educa∣tion,
the greatest part of them new Converts from Paganism, where
they have almost all their life looked on Despair as an Act of Generosity?
I confess, that the ill success of my last Audience, which I had believed
would be so favourable for me, was an insupportable blow to me, and
that thenceforth accounting Liberty to be an happiness to which I could
no longer pretend, I abandoned my self so far to Melancholy and De∣spair,
that I wanted but little of entirely losing my Reason.
I had not forgot that it is forbidden to a man to destroy himself, and
I had no design to destroy my self eternally, but I desired to live no lon∣ger;
and the extreme desire which I had to dye, troubled me so far,
that I invented a mean, in the midst of my Despair, which might effectu∣ally
procure my Death, and a natural Death, since I could not resolve to
lay violent hands upon my self; and I imagined that God would pardon
me if I procured it slowly, and by the means of others. I feigned then
to be sick, and to have a Fever; they immediately brought to me a
Pandite, or a Gentile Physician, who made no scruple to be convinced
from the motion of my Blood within my Pulse, which he took for a
true Fever, and ordered me to be let Blood, which was reiterated for
five days together; and as my intentention in using this Remedy was very
different from that of my Physician, who laboured to recover my health,
while I thought of nothing but ending this miserable and unhappy life.
As soon as every one was retired, and my door was shut, I untied the
Fillet, and suffered so much blood to run out as might fill a Cup con∣taining
at least 18 Ounces. I reiterated these cruel evacuations as often
as I was blooded, and withal, eating almost no food, it is not hard to
judge that I was reduced to extreme weakness.
The Alcaide, who obs••rved so considerable a change in my Body,
could not sufficiently wonder at the ill condition wherein I was, which
admitted scarce any hope of recovery. The Pandite was in the same
astonishment, which obliged them to advertise the Inquisitor, who pro∣posed
to me to be Confessed. As I did not believe my self to be in a
condition of escaping Death, I began to resent what I had done, and being
unwilling to destroy Soul and Body both together, I confented to receive
a Confessor. They brought to me a good Religious of the Order of
St. Francis, to whom having given an entire knowledge of my proceed∣ing,
I received much consolation from him: His good Advices made
me take a resolution of contributing as much as I could to the recove∣ry
of my Health; I gave him leave to inform the Inquisitor secretly of