The virtuous wife, or, Good luck at last a comedy, as it is acted at the Dukes Theater by His Royal Highness his servants / written by Thomas Durfey, Gent.

ACT V.

SCENE Palace-Garden.

Enter Olivia and Wheedle.

Whea.

PRethee my dear, defer my bliss no longer, oh how I long for the happy minute t••a•• is ••o compleat my Joys! methinks each hour is a day, and each day a thousand ages, I vow I'm a••••aid you begin to repent your promise.

Olivia.

Never fear it, and since you are resolv'd to venture, goe and fetch me the key of the Cabinet, where your Jewels are, as you promis'd me, and th••n command me what you please.

Wheedle.

I'l fly swifter than Thought, and am glad any price can purchase thee.

Exit.

Olivia.

Ha, ha, ha! alas poor silly creature, if thou didst but know what an insufficient—what a sign of a Husband thou wert so ea∣ger of, thou wouldst think the purchase dear at the rate of a••gilt shilling. Sure never was creature so fond, she haun••s me where ever I goe, smiles when I smil'd, and is sur•• to be ••el••ncholly when I am so, and then is eternally vowing perpetual Love and Constancy. Nay, and what feeds my revenge high, and pleases me most of all, is, she is now going to deliver me up all her Jewels—those very Jewels which my Husband has given her, as the price of his impure Love; and this is so full satisfaction, th••t my wishes are all bounded — here comes Beauford too, whom I must confes•• I have u••'d but s••urvi∣ly, in so long delaying the reward due to his passion, but 'tis his mis∣fortune, for the only satisfaction he desires, is the only thing I dare not grant him. Well Sir, what now?

Enter Beauford.

Beauf.

Madam, I have waited so long for the happy minute, and have had so little satisfa••tion on your part, ••hat 'gad I can forbear no longer—what though Love did not induce you to recompence; methinks, in conscience you might a little consider my necessity.

Oliv.

Ha, ha, ha! well, I say Si••, how ••oor are they that have no patience▪

Beauf.

Ay gad, I say, how poor are they that have all patience, and no reward for't.

Oli••.

Reward—••ye Sir, come do not give me cause to think ye Mercinary, do all things free and generously; when service comes to

be paid once, where lies the obligation?

Beauf.

And when Love Madam—like hoarded mettle, lies rust∣ing, and is almost spoil'd for want of use, where lies the pleasure or profit?

Oliv.

Bring but your recompence within the list of Honor▪ Reason, and Virtue, and there's my hand, I'll be more free than your wishes in the performance.

Beauf.

Ah dear Rogue— on this white Altar I could eternally pay my hearts oblations — but a word more of Virtue and Reason, and I swound, my Teeth chatter already; 'gad 'tis like swallowing an Issicle just after a man has drunk a comfortable Elixir to warm him. But Madam, in strict sense, what greater reason is there, than in charitably saving a poor young hopeful fellow from the grave; or what's more like a Woman of Honor, than to be punctual in keep∣ing her word?

Oliv.

Cucko••lding ones Husband is a glorious point of Honor, I must needs say.

Beauf.

And so it is, and necessary too, as your case stands; let me tell you that Madam, virtue has nothing to do here, you are to follow the dictates of Love and Revenge, without the consideration of what is right or wrong.—As in a D••el no man of Honor or Courage invited to be Second, stays to debate whose Cause is best, but boldly pushes on at all adventures—and makes his friends Life and Honor equal with his own; he that coldly stands in niceties or punctillo's, is a Craven and no Cock of the Game, I'll answer for him.

Oliv.

Well then, since 'tis decreed, and that I am to pay ••o dear∣ly for your service, I'm resolv'd to have my penny worth out of ye, therefore listen to my Commands, which obey'd and perform'd, perhaps I may come to terms.

Beauf.

Oh very well.

Oliv.

My Husbands Mistriss is so passionately in love with me, that she has discover'd all her secrets, and is now gone to fetch the key of her Jewels, that lye in a Cabinet at her old Lodgings, and your as∣sistance I shall want in the conveying them hither; I had design'd you should have share with me, but since my Love is the only Reward you expe••t, that other profit must be wholly mine.

Beauf.

Ha! Jewels! gad such helps would be very necessary, as my condition stands, her love may be won at more leisure—nay Madam, if you are resolv'd to keep your vow, I cannot be so barba∣rous to

Oliv.

To infringe it, I am not wi••ling—hah—

Beauf.

No, not for the world ••adam—but these Jewels how are they to be purcha••ed? for you know 'tis not requisite for me to goe thither my ••elf.

Oliv.

I have consider'd it, therefore your best way will be to seek out my old Servant, he tha•• I sent to you in the Walks, he's an ho∣nest

fellow, and I'm sure be very careful in the performance; st••y you here, and I'll send her to ye with the key, this perform'd, my revenge is compleat; and I'll instantly write a challenge to my Husband to meet me this evening at my Lady Beardly's: perhaps now he finds his error, he may reform, if not, the Wit and Ho∣nor of the enterprize rewards me, and so farewell to Love and Ma∣trimony.

Exit.

Beauf.

Hah! Jewels! gad this happens well, for my late extrava∣gant expences have put me damnably out of Cash—and this sea∣sonable recruit, just in this juncture, proves very happy—well, I see I have some propitious Stars, though they are commonly cloud••d.

Enter Brainworm, a Letter.

How now sirrah, What's the news?

Brainw.

News, so, he has found it out already, sure there is some∣thin•• very like a Pimp in my Phisiognomy, for I never went about a bawdy business in my life, but if my tongue did not discover it, my looks did, and that's all one— would I had burnt this Letter, for ten to one but my bones must pay postage for it, the contents are doubtless Harbengers to another beating.

Beauf.

Sirrah, no more grumb••ing, but let me know the business; how now, What's that, a Letter you have in your hand there? come let's see't, let's see't.

Brainw.

A pox o' ••our Eagles eyes.

Enter Beverly disguis'd.

Bever.

Revenge, as it is the solace of wrong'd spirits, so 'tis a be∣nefit design'd by Heaven, to shew the difference between the brave and coward: 'tis the Cordial drop that sweetens the injuries we have receiv'd, and gives us courage to repay 'em; if I should now rashly fight with Beauford about this, she would then be forwarn'd, and I should frustrate my designe upon her — no, I'll first pursue the effect of this disguise, I shall have Duelling hours enough here∣after— hah, and as good fortune happil••▪ orders it, yonder he is— now Cunning, Malice—Mans best Wit, and Womans damn'd Hypo∣crisie, I implore your assistance.

Beauf.

Ay, here's your excuse, here's your melting expressions; what she did then sirrah, was upon compulsion, and against her Will poor soul.

Brainw.

Compulsion, ay that's a fine sham indeed; 'twas a pret∣ty entertainment faith, to cudgel our bones out of Joynt, and then send word she did it upon compulsion, compulsion in the Devils name.

Bever.

What! my dear, noble, and most accomlish'd spark of

fortune, is it you? i'faith I am o'er joy'd to see ye, gad I was afraid, I should never have been so happy again.

Beauf.

Hah, my good and trusty old friend, letme embrace thee.

Bever.

Ah deer Sir!

Beauf.

Why this is an excess of furtune, too happy for my hopes— for I was just now sending my man all o'er the Town to seek thee.

Bever.

Why, what blessed chance had I to come so opportunely! Well Sir, and how came ye off with your last business? faith I heard the ill-natur'd cuckold us'd ye very ill.

Beauf.

Ah most damnably, o'ons I was beaten plaguily, and then tost in a Blanket.

Bever.

A Blanket! why what an unnatural chance was that? 'sdeath is it possible that so witty, so amorous, and so politick a man as you, should have such damn'd Foot-boys luck to be tost in a Blanket? as I live 'twas intollerable.

Beauf.

'Twas so — but I thank fortune I have now the power of revenging my self sufficiently, for I have at this time both his Wife, and Mistriss in my custody, besides a third benefit, which out-weighs all; which thou shalt know presently.

Bever.

How, his Wife too say ye Sir? oh 〈◊〉〈◊〉!

Beauf.

His Wife, rogue, his Wife, and she is in so quaint a dis∣guise, that igad I defie him to find her out, if he has only instinct to make his discovery.

Bev.

Death and Damnation▪ — I shall ne'r have patience.

aside.

Why this Sir, compleats your happiness, and I doubt not but you have made use of your time — Well, was she pliant—is the busi∣ness done—hah —

Beauf.

No faith, to confess the truth to thee, I have been a little tardy in that business—and she has hitherto always put me off— but then it has been with so many smiles, and with such a soft lan∣guishing Air, that my hopes are as great as ever, besides, 'tis now bounded with an affair I am to do for her: ha, ha! sirrah, there are Jewels in the case, Jewels which Beverly's Mistriss has given her, in which I'm to share, I thank him for being so bountiful.

Bever.

Jewels too, Sir—now fortune be constant.

Beauf.

Jewels, and of Considerable value, all that that Coxcomb was so long troubling himself to bestow upon her, are ours in an in∣stant; she'le presently be here he•• self with the Key of the Cabinet, ha, ha, ha! Oh my gall will break with excess of Contentment.

Bever▪

A very quaint business, I vow to gad, Sir, ha, ha, ha!

Beauf.

Now, as good luck would have it (whom I will never blame again, I am resolv'd on't) thou art come exactly at the time to be Messenger, for 'twas Olivia's desire that yo•• should be sound out, as the person amongst all her Creatures most fit to be trusted in so weight▪ a business.

Bever.

Ah she's a good Lady, heaven bless her: O Propitious!

Beauf.

For you ma•• go unsuspected to her lodging, and bring all off clearly; but I dare not, for fear of being discover'd; for I hear that Jealous Coxcomb watches for me, as I think he has reason, h'ah, Has he not?

Be••e▪

Ha, ha, ay Sir; but I'le warrant we'le be cunning enough.

Enter Matilda with a Key.

Beauf.

Oh here she comes her self with the Key—Madam, this is the honest Fellow the Gentleman order'd to fetch the Jewels.

Wheedle.

Well, here's the Key, and pray Friend be careful, for, I assure ye they are of value.

Beauford gives the Key to Beverly.

Bever.

I warrant ye, Madam; but, 'twould be more easily per∣form'd, if you could go a little way and show me the house, for, to ask questions, will not be necessary; do but that, Madam, and for the rest let me alone.

Wheedle.

That I will with all my heart; this Maske will disguise me a little.

Bever.

Nay, Sir, I would not have you go, for if you are seen all's discover'd.

Wheedle.

He sayes tr••e, stay you here, Sir; come, Friend, and be sure be careful.

Bever.

Never fear, Madam— I'le secure the Jewels, and you too with a vengeance.

Exeunt.

Beauf.

So, so, this will be some recompense however, for the ill fortune I have had formerly; I see now the Devil has a principle of Civility in him, and will not too much disoblige a person that de∣serves better at his hand — let me see, What shall I do with these Jewels, hah? gad, I'le convert 'um instantly into Money, all Gold; fine yellow Rogues, and then will so Chine and Chink e'm in Bever∣ly's Eares, I'le make him mad, ha, ha, ha! Sirrah, ••ou shall have a new Livery too, and Money in your Pocket, Rogue; you can pro∣vide your self a Whore, I think, can't ye?

Brainw.

A whore, ay, I'm a fine fellow for a whore indeed; alas Sir all natural motions were cudgell'd out of me a great while agoe, I can hardly remember what ma••es the distin••tion between the Sexes a whore quotha, alas — my capacity has not extended that way a long time.

Beauf.

Ha, ha, ha! and then we'll row and revel like Emperors; oh Madam, the business is done, I have been diligent you see.

Enter Olivia hastily.

Oliv.

Diligent! the Devil, what, and let Wheedle be carried away so tam••ly by heaven 'tis downright cowardize.

Beauf.

Carried away, ha, ha! that's a pretty jest indeed, why 'tis

your man Madam, the honest fellow you bid me discover the business to; she's gone but a little way to show him the house, she'll be here again presently.

Oliv.

Oh intollerable blindess and stupidity! this honest fellow you speak of was my Husband in disguise; I saw him pull his false Beard off, and met her dragging her along: Oh I could curse!

Beauf.

Her Husband! Confusion, I have made a fine piece of Work on't.

Brainw.

So there's my new Livery gone again.

Oliv.

Come, pray Sir give me the Key of the Jewels, ten to one but your ill luck will make you lose that too — if I trust ye any longer—come, deliver, I'll do the business now my s••lf: the Key, the Key.

Beauf.

So, I'me a very pretty Fellow, 'Faith.

Stands trembling.

Olivia.

Ad'sdeath, What a sneaking look is there?—you look as if you were Arraigned for a Rape, and were now going to plead to the Indictment— come, Where is it? What a fumbling you keep—What, can't you find it?

Beauf.

Fumbling, Madam, I don't fumble, not I — I am look∣ing, I don't fumble, not I, Madam — would I were in a Sea Fight!

Olivia.

What, not yet?— Oh, my prophetick fear — there must be something in this—What's the matter? speak —' Speak, thou vile Creature! Where is't? Still that leering Dog-look —a hundred to one but you've mistook, and given that to my Husband too.

Beauf.

I vow to gad and so I have Madam.

Olivia.

Ah que sui Malhereux!

Both stamp.

Beauf.

Ah Mort dieu Jernie bougra.

Olivia.

This is the most unlucky could possibly have happen'd; all that my Wit has been so long toyling for, lost and ruin'd in a mo∣ment: I warrant ye told him too that I was here with ye in disguise.

Beauf.

Yes, 'Faith, I told him that too.

Olivia.

Monstrous — Why this is meer infatuation — you are the most unhappy person that ever was.

Beauf.

The unlucky'st Dog that ever breath'd, as I hope to be sav'd.

Olivia.

Well, I have this Consolation however, it frees me from your importunate Adresses; you cannot sure have the impudence to persist after having fail'd the performance of so necessary an Injuction.

Beauf.

Faith, Mad••m, my impudence, like my ill fortune, will ne∣ver leave me, till it has undone me. I am a very Spaniel, in Love, Madam; the more my ill usage, the greater my passion.

Olivia.

Then, to thy terror be it spoken; know (oh most unfor∣tunate person) that I have fool'd thee all this while, made thee a down-right property, and am a very Miser in affection. In fine, Sir, by the way of Advice, let me tell ye — you do but swim against the stream, and vainly dash against the rock of my Constancy; there∣fore

desi••t in time, do; Marry, grow vertuous, and love ho∣nestly;

Look gravely, say your prayers, think on Hell, Your Ill luck comes by Whooring, so farewell.

Exit.

Beauf.

Very good — I have been a Stock-fish to a fine purpose 'Faith—think of Hell in the Devil's name; and gad I will think so much on't, that I will keep my self from thence, if possible, least I should happen into thy d••mn'd company again. And now my eyes are open too; 'igad I begin to find that I am but a kind of a Cox∣comb.

Brainw.

Oh d'ee begin to find it—'faith you might have found it before now, one would have thought, 'thas been visible enough.

Beauf.

I have now Mistriss, and, faith, little or no money; two necessities excellently well match'd; for a Man that has a Mistriss in this Age, and no Money to give her, is like one that sets a Lawyer to Plead without his Fee, whatever happens, his business is sure to be neglected — I have one stake left however— this Ring here — which, as it luckily came to me, shall now as luckily relieve me — Sirrah, go you to yonder shop, and bid the Goldsmith come hither to me.

Brain.

Ay, ay, come, let the moveable vanish, that we may drink a Bottle, and put our selves in heart again.

Exit.

Beauf.

This will make a little blaze; and, let the worst happen 'tis but practising Reformation at last, and wheedle my old Aunt into a belief of my Conversion, and then all's well again.

Enter Brainworm, Goldsmith, and Officers.

Oh here's the Goldsmith.

Gold••mith.

To buy a Ring, say'st thou — in troth it could not have happen'd in a worse time: For, I have just hir'd these Officers to arrest a person, that has lately put a Cheat upon me; but, come, I will have a little patience to do your Master a kindness.

Brainw.

Come, Sir, you must dispatch the business quickly, because he says, he's in haste.

Beauf.

Here, Friend, this is the Ring — good Stones, I assure ye, and of true vallue.

Goldsmith,

Ay, like enough, Sir —by Coxbodikins, the very self-same Ring I was cheated of, and which I made for Mr. Beau∣ford, this was happy fortune I••ack; now Timothy Touchstone, show thy self to be a Citizen of Wit and Pollicy, and cramp this Gallant. And pray how long have you had this Ring, Sir?

Beauf.

How long have I had it, Sir?

Goldsmith.

Ay; How long have you had it, Sir? and, How came you by it, Sir? — Look'ee, Sir, I am a Magistrate, and, with your leave, may ask these Questions: I say, How came you by it, Sir?

Shows a pocket-Staffe.

Brainw.

A Constable! Oh gads bud I shall be hang'd.

Beauf.

Came by it, Sir? why, Sir, my Grandmother left it me for a Legacy; Sir, it has been worn by our Family this 500 year: what a Devil d'ee think I don't know how I came by it, Sir?

Brainw.

O damn'd lye, damn'd lye!

Goldsmith.

Very well, Sir; the King has a pretious Subject of you, that he has in troth, that can Cheat his Leige People, and carry it off with such confidence — Officers, I charge you in the Kings Name to Seise him — this Ring is mine, he cheated my Man of it, there∣fore look to him.

Beauf.

So, a rare business again.

Playing with his Hat.

Goldsmith.

What hoa —there—Peter— come, Sir, we shall publish what you are.

Brainw.

Oh what shall I doe?— now will this plaguy Watch rise up in Judgment against me too—Is there no way to hide it? No con∣trivance?— Oh that fellows face frights me worse then a Furys. Oh what shall I doe?

Ties the Watch in his Hat, and puts it on.

Enter Peter.

Goldsmith.

Come ye hither, Sirrah; d'ee know these persons?

Peter.

Know 'em, ay, as well as I know my Dame at home, Sir; this is he that had the Ring and this other here Cheated me of the Watch; I'le fearch, I'le warrant he has it about him.

Brainw.

Search what pleaseth thee; but, do not Scandalize the In∣nocent O Man!

Peter.

O Man — What a dickins are you turn'd Quaker o'th sudden, and have the confidence to wear your Hat before Mr. Con∣stable? Come, come, strike fail, Will ye Friend?

Brainw.

Look thee Friend; do not involve thy self in mischief, I profess my self to be no respecter of persons— nor will I vaile my Bonnet to any one, no not to the King profecto.

Goldsmith.

I••le try that Sirrah, presently.

Strikes off his Hat.

Oh here's the reason, pray observe my Masters, he has ty'd it in's Hat, a cunning Rogue for ye; come, away with 'em; Are you so good at tricks? I'le trick ye.

Beauf.

This was your Project, Rogue; this was your Project.

Brain.

A pox o' your Projects: Oh, What will become of me?

Goldsmith.

Come, come; away with 'em.

Beauf.

This damn'd City Rascal has no Mercy—and I see I must send to my old Aunt for her assistance— come, Whether would you have us your Polecats?

Officer.

Oh we'le show ye presently—we'le show ye.

Exeunt.

Enter Olivia and Lidia.

Lidia.

And is it all discover'd

Olivia.

All, I swear: and onely by his damnable misfortune, in mis∣taking my Husband for my old Messenger.

Lidia.

Did he tell him you were in Mens Cloaths too?

Olivia.

That I think was omitted; he only nam'd a Disguise: but 'twould have been an excellent Scene of Mirth for thee, hadst thou but seen how he lookt, when I first rail'd, and at last discarded him; He was as pale as death, and shook, as if he had an Ague.

Lidia.

No such occasion of Mirth, if you knew all.

Aside.

Olivia.

I expect him here at his Aunts presently, and then to ob∣serve the harrangue between my Husband and he will be excellent diversion.

Lidia.

But, How shall I contrive to be there? I dare not let my Brother see me with you, for I have ever made him believe I was ig∣norant of your designs; but, if I could be a private Spectator.

Olivia.

Private—Why 'tis but pinning up your Gown, putting on a Scarf, pulling your Hood over your Face, and practiceing a little the Chambermaids impudent Gate, and you may pass for one of my Lady Beardly's Family.

Lidia.

Well; I'me resolv'd I le venture, if it be onely for the sake of seeing so extraordinary an Encounter.

Olivia.

Follow me then; I think I hear some body coming.

Exit.

Lidia.

By this means I shall observe Beauford's actions; for I be∣lieve I'me alloted to prove his good genius when all's done.

Exit.

Enter Sir Lubberly, and Lady Beardly, and Tisick.

Sir Lubber.

Prithee Woman do not trouble me, I am busie.

L. Beard.

Are ye so?— why then perhaps 'tis my pleasure to delay that business. I wonder Sir Lubberly you are not asham'd to use me thus. Why would ••ou let me fall over the great Forme in the Hall, and not give me timely warning? knowing, like a cruel man as ye are, that the Monkey broak my Spectacles yesterday, g••∣ing to read a Proclamation.

Sir Lubber.

I give ye warning— why what a Devil are ye blind—Cant ye see neither, this is worst of all, this raises my dislike of ye to an extravagant degree? Why hark'ee, speak in your own Conscience, Can you be so unreasonable to desire me to fall in Love with that Madrid Face of yours? come, I put it to ye, Can you be so unreasonable?

L. Beard.

Madrid-Face, I scorn your words Sir: for, had not Age been a little too bold here, there's ne're a Woman in Christendome

has a more comely countenance though I say it: come, I would fain know the defects of it.

Sir Lub.

Would ye, well, well, have patience, and you shall: Why, in the first place, ••our eyes are sunk so hollow, that a man had need of a perspective Glass to look into your head to discern 'em; then your Nose is like the Gnomon of a Dial, which the Sun has warpt for ma∣ny a year — but what is a continual eye-sore to me, is that intollera∣ble Beard of yours—Why the devil don't you go to the Barbers? Why don't you shave? o'ons those whiskers are most abominable.

La. Beard.

Ha —alack-aday, it does sprout indeed,

looks in her Glass.

this is my purblind Womans fault now, oh fie! introth, I cannot blame him, this is a little unseemly, that's the truth on t;

Takes out a great pair of Cizers and snips her Beard.

but 'tis many a good Womans imperfection, that's my comfort — but come Sir Lubberly, I am the Consort of your bosom, and you should, methinks, wink at my im∣perfections: consider, there is no wife but has external or internal fail∣ings; ah Sir Lubberly! you could have wink d once—you could have born with this face of mine before ••ou had your ends —but now my Nose is like the Gnomon of a Dial. Hah! well, you verifie the old proverb.

Sir Lub.

What proverb now? come, what proverb?

L. Beard.

When the Devil was sick, the Devil a Monk would be, But when the Devil was well, the Devil a Monk was he.

weeps

Sir Lub.

What a pox then, you make a Devil of me do ye? hah? this is rare impudence, but I'll fetch your Similes out ye old Jade.

Strikes her.

L. Beard.

Help help there, why Sir Lubberly are you mad? gad for∣give me, are you infatuated? what swinge your wife the first week of your marriage, before the Wedding-shooes are warm, as one may say—oh Villain, Fool, Coxcomb, why thou art like—

Sir Lub.

Like—what more Likes still —mum I say —Tace— I command ye, as you expect Bamboo should sleep in peace, be si∣lent.

Exit

L. Beard.

Oh woman, woman, what hast thou brought thy self too!

Tis.

Come come, have patience Madam, have patience.

L. Beard.

Patience — What a woman of quality as I am, and suf∣fer my self to be thus us'd? I have made a fine business of it; in troth I have supported this decay'd frame of Beauty to a rare purpose, if this be the fruits on t! And yet 'tis no more than what all of us are liable too; Marriage is a thing we are as greedy of, as a Fish is o•• a bait, though he swallows his destruction: we cannot help it, it is in our na••ures, nay, we cannot live without it; and then too, if we do marry, 'tis to these young Rascals, though we are sure it is not us they love, but our Money; well, I must do something by way of prevention; I'll go and invite all my Relations and Friends to dinner;

it may be good admonition, may work much upon him; if not, my penitence shall be a warning to my whole Sex,

That they may know how dearly I repented, That married thrice, yet could not be contented.

Exit.

Enter Sir Frollick, Isabella, Lidia, with Sir Lubberly.

Sir Frol.

How now Sir Lubberly, what flinch from your friends, your guests, and Relations — give me patience! this is but an odd way of welcome— what my good Lady in tears too — hah, by my faith this is a little of the soonest Sir Lubberly.

Sir Lub.

Ah let her alone, let her alone—the more she howls, the less she scolds, you understand me.

Sir Frol.

Ay ay, Sir, I understand ye, ha, ha, ha! give me pati∣ence: What an intolerable dunce is this Nephew of mine! come no more of this April weather; faith this ill agrees with a Bride the first week of her Marriage.

Isab.

Especially one match'd so to her hearts content, one that mar∣ried a young man for the pleasure of his company, and yet having possession, is not satisfied —fie—I swear this can be no fault of his, but the effects of your own ill nature.

L. Beard.

Well Madam, mock on—it may be your own case another day, when you come to be old; I as little thought as you to come to this, but you see the consequence of Love and Folly.

Sir Frol.

Come good Madam, no more of this, I have an affair to inform ye of. I met your Nephew Mr. Beauford, just now in the Con∣stables hands, and upon information of the busin••ss, found it to be a very slight matter; and though for my part, all things consider'd, I have of all men, the least reason to stand his friend, yet thinking my self sufficiently revenged on him, and my good nature prompt∣ing me to forget and forgive, I took him into the next Tavern to know the truth of the matter, and after we had drunk halfe a dozen bottles, and debated on the matter, I desired the Officer to bring him hither to you to make an end, he is without there, and in my opinion, 'twill be for your credit, to discharge him as soon as ye can.

L. Beard.

In troth and so I will — who knows—but I may live to have comfort of him —nay Sir, never mump nor lowre for the matter, as gad save me, I will have consolation one way or other, I in troth will I, and there's the resolution of a wrong'd Wife.

Sir Lub.

Then there's the resolution of an inrag'd Husband

strikes her.

Lydia.

Fie Sir Lubberly, what strike a Woman?

Sir Lub.

Woman, hang her, she's no Woman —nor on my con∣science was — ah, if I could but create a fancy, or find by any

Search, Art, or Industry —that she ever had been Woman, I could be patient, but to marry a piece of German Clockwork, that only hangs together like Geometry — a Hagg, a Witch of Endor — oh 'tis intollerable!

Isab.

But will unmanning your self by beating her, help this?

Sir Lub.

I don't know—it gives my heart a little ••ase how∣ever.

Sir Frol.

But see, who comes here?

Enter Beverly pulling in Wheedle, drest in a mean Countrey-Habit, and Olivia after.

Bever.

Nay Madam, no drawing back, I am resolv'd to have my humour.

Whead.

Dear, Sweet Sir, do not shame me before all this com∣pany.

Bever.

Confound your Sirens note, I am deaf to entreaty. Gen∣tlemen and Ladies pray view this Creature, peruse her well, she's worth your observation▪ this piece of Countrey dirt was once my Mistriss, Lady of my Heart, of all my Love, my Honour, whose face made me forget a virtuous Wife, to fawn and doat upon her hypo∣crysie — I fell in love with her in a Countrey village, where her old Father lived, a peaceful Ploughman, that knew no Heaven beyond a fruitful Crop; no•• Hell beyond foul weather; there at her Taske as she sate spinning, mourning in tears, the slavery of her life; And those hands that now appear so delicate, then parch'd and Sun∣burnt, turning the rude Wheel; I saw her, pitty'd her, quickly woo'd and won her.

Sir Frol.

Very well Sir.

Bever.

Brought her to Town, cherish'd her as my life, gave her rich Cloths and Jewels, made her sit at a new Play amongst the great∣est Ladies: in Fine, so well I lov'd her, that had she not been less grateful than the Devil, she ne'er could have deserted me.

But mark what creatures Women are So infinitely vile and fair.—

(as a person of great Wit and Honor satyrically says) this Devil, whose kindness all prov'd subtilty, mauger all my Favours left me, slighted me, and falling i•• love with a smooth-fac'd flashy fellow, had the impudence to court him, with the very Jewels I had given her; but that, as good for∣tune ordered it▪ I countermanded, and as the reward of your ingrati∣tude, for ever banish'd you my heart; and thus in the same gorgeous habiliments I first found you in, have turn'd you loose upon the Com∣mon.

Display the fatal snare, in which men fall, And shown proud Iilts, there great Original.

Sir Lub.

Gad and prudently done too, for the down-right Devil's in 'um now-a days. But come, now I have another business: I have a Ticket from the young spark I lately spoke of, to meet him here, but am afraid he's too much a coward to keep his word.

O••iv.

Is he so Sir?

Bever.

I beg your pardon Sir, for my suspition — but come, no more words, let's steal softly off, you understand me.

O••iv.

Ay Sir, I understand ye very well, but I know not what's the matter▪ I'm in so good a humor, that I am now more enclin'd to a reconciliation, than to fighting▪ Come faith Sir, let it be so, for what is past, I'll make ye amends, and because 'tis fit ye know the person that put that pleasant trick upon ye yesterday, you shall see my Face, how d'ye like it?

unmasques.

Bever.

My Wife! sure 'tis not possible!

Wheed.

Hah! his Wife?

O••ivia.

By heaven very possible Sir, and very true I assure ye; I am that v••r•• Numerical person you were speaking of. One that to farther her revenge, has so long worn these fortunate breeches, that she can hardly consent to return to quondam Petticoats again; one that has cur'd your jealousie by giving the cause to be so, a••d lastly, won your Mistriss in spight of your Sword, and Policy. ••ut for ••ou Madam

(To Wheedle)

I vow to gad, 'tis an extream affliction to me, that I am utterly incapacitated of serving ye in that manner you, I know, expect, and passionately desire: 'tis alas a cheat Madam, that Nature has impos'd upon our Sex: you must needs think much against my own good liking; yet though I cannot be the happy per∣son, I'll give ye a word to some young spark that can, and I know, you'll like that as well.

Sir Lub.

Hark Sweetheart, if thou wilt accept of half a Crown a week, and be content to lye in a Garret.

Whead.

Base treacherous Creature—ah curse upon my stupidity!

B••ver.

Come to my bosom, thou art mine again —all —all my own, and shalt be so for ever —for from this moment, all base drossy thoughts, that soil'd the life and lustre of my Judgement, shall vanish; and instead of those, thy Beauty, Love, Constancy, and Wit, sha••l crown my heart—blot from thy breast my faults, and let our union teach the Wild, Roving, and inconstant World, how they sho••ld Live and Love, my dearest Creature.

Oliv.

This now is like a Husbands love; free as it should be;

Which mine shall ••qual, and now I'll boldly say, Whensoe'er yours was, this is my Wedding day.

Enter Lady Beardly, Beauford, and Brainworm.

L. Beard.

Come Sir, and pray let me hear no more of these Fro∣licks, live civilly and orderly—and strive to oblige your Aunt— come, you may if you please, be a comfort to her in her calamity:

We are not so near akin, thank heaven, but we may comfort one ano∣ther.

Sir Lub.

Old Ioan cease your Clack, it offends my Ear: Cosin Beauford, welcome to my house, I'm your Uncle, d'ye see, and there's a respect due; but no words of that, let the old Women chatter to themselves, make thy address to me boy▪ Come, there's a Collation stays within, pray let's all go and toss a bottle or two — Coz, give me thy hand, dost hear—see me often— doe—igad, thou shalt be welcome; come Gentlemen, pray let's goe.

Bever.

With all my heart Sir, I'll make one, Mr. Beauford and I have long been at difference, and many rough Scene has past betwixt us; come, let it end now: for the injuries I have done you, I as•• ••ou pardon , and will give you what other satisfaction, you will demand, for those you have done me, I forgive 'um freely.

Sir Frol.

And so do I.

Oliv.

And I.

Isab.

And I.

Brainw.

And I, h•• has got me many a beating, heaven pardon him, I do.

Bever.

And further, by way of recompence for loss of this Lady, I promise upon my honor, that any thing (but her) shall on my 〈◊〉〈◊〉 be readily tender'd, to express the endearments, I desire to pay Mr. Beauford.

Be••uf.

Faith Sir, I am heartily sorry your Comple••ent is lost up∣on me, but my brains are grown so watry, and my wit is so thin Sir, with my common Calamity, that I fear I should make but ungrate∣ful Repartee: I am now studying new Philosophy, and to baffle my future ill luck, am resolv'd voluntarily to embrace some strange mis∣fortune: that being once at the lowest ebb, the Devil may have no power over me; to which purpose I will instantly marry the most ugly, old, vicious, mercenary creature I can meet with; and if there can be worse luck than that, I am mistaken.

Bever.

Ha, ha! this is an excellent humor i'faith.

L. Beard.

Why, what a mad fool art thou? have not I told ye that I would stick by ye?

••yd.

And will ye marry any Woman, d'ye say Sir?

Beauf.

Any Woman, by this light—thee if thou wilt—and faith, now I look on thee again, thou art a very fit person, and I be∣lieve the Devil has sent the•• hither just in the nick, to make thy market▪ come give me thy hand — let thy consent answer it▪ a••d here I do promise upon the honor of a Gentleman; I mean an unlucky Gentleman, to marry thee to morrow.

Lyd.

I most Religiously accept of it.

Sir Frol. and Bever.

Hold, hold, we must deny this Contract.

Beauf.

Gentlemen, 'tis too late—but stay now, let me consi∣der her a little, by her Face she may be a Witch, by her Tongue a Scold, and by her Habit a Whore—a very hopeful Spouse ifaith; but pray cause her to unvail, for I am resolv'd you shall see the worst of her, now my hand's in,

discovers her self.

Sir Frol.

Give me patience — what — Madam Lidia!

Bever.

How—my Sister!

Beauf.

Now do I expect some stale, rotten, overgrown Chamber∣maid, some eternal Green sickness, some compound of Paint and Impudence, that has been suffer'd to live, meerly to plague morta∣lity; but come, hang't, I'll stand up boldly, and bear my afflicti∣on like a man. Well Sir Frolick, my doom is she, a Witch or a Gipsey.

Sir Frol.

O'ons, are you mad Sir?—why 'tis Mr. Beverly's Si∣ster, one worth at least ten thousand pounds.

Beauf.

What ten thousand pounds?

Bever.

Sister, this does not suit your Education.

Lidia.

Brother, your pardon, I am now at age, and will not be controul'd.

Oliv.

This was more than I expected, but I am glad on't fo•• Beauford's sake.

Lidia.

What, I warrant Sir, you repent your bargain now? come what d'ye think on't.

Beauf.

Think on't! the Devil take me Madam, if I am not past thinking; I am all extasie, fear, hope, wonder; but will you really marry me? and are you worth ten thousand pound, is there no trick in't? gad, the apprehension of my late ill luck does so torture me; therefore dear Creature tell me; swear, is there no trick in this upon your soul?

Lid.

None I swear—I am resolv'd to marry ye.

Beauf.

Not a word more, there's a bargain made.

Bever.

Mr. Beauford, do not flatter your self; your Estate must be consulted, before we proceed further in this affair; she is my Si∣ster, I am her Guardian too, and have now 6000 l. of hers in my hand.

Beauf.

Have ye so! I'gad I'le have something else of hers in my hands then, by to morrow night, I am resolv'd: and, now I think on't better, your Honor is pawn'd to assist me, and I challenge it as you are a Gentleman.

Beverly.

The Devil's in't, that this should happen thus.

Aside.

Well, Sir, though this be an odd turn in fortune, yet never shall any breach of promise taint my Honor;

Here take her, She's yours, and now he hold to say▪ Midst all Ill-Luck, This is your happy day.

Beauf.

Well, if this should be a Dream at last now— but a pox 'tis impossible, I have her in my armes here, and if the Devil takes her from me now, gad he shall take me too. We'le go lo∣vingly together.

Sir Frollick.

Come, all's well, all's well: this was a lucky business, faith; but give ye Joy, Sir, give ye Joy.

Sir Lub.

Now, if my Grannum there and I were reconcil'd too, we should be all Friends; but, How the Devil is't possible, when a Man has such a continual Hagg-look from her? No, it will not be; 'Sbud, me thinks she looks more like a Witch every day then other; I shall be haunted ••re long with her I••••s, and Fairys; Well, I'me re∣solv'd to spend all her Estate in comforting my heart up▪ I'me con∣scious to my self how much I want it—for▪

He that Wedds an old H••gg, that had three Men before▪ H••s o••e Hell on Earth, and another in Store.