The parable of the top-knots

THE PARABLE OF THE TOP-KNOTS.

Licensed according to Order.

It was a serene Sun-shine Morning that Dame Nature came forth from her Retirements, to take a Survey of her Works, and recreate her self with the Prospect of her own beau∣tiful Image scatter'd through the Universe: She beheld the Sun, that glorious Fountain of Light casting abroad his Splendors with an unveiled Countenance; but the more modest Moon shroud∣ed above half her Face under a Mask, unwilling to be exposed to the lascivious Eye of every Endymion, she saw the rest of the Planets and Staps bashfully twinkling their innocent Glan∣ces at each other, and on all the World; she travers'd the Elements, and observ'd every thing kept the Order which she had first appointed it. But she fix'd a more particular Eye on Man, the Master-piece of all her Works, the Masterless Epitome of the whole Creation; and calling to mind his primitive Perfections, with the Tragical Story of his Fall, she fetch'd a deep Sigh, which made the Earth to tremble. Whilst she was pensively busied in this Con∣templation, I perceiv'd her Brows suddenly knit, and she gave a start, which put all the Elements into a Disorder. Looking about me to see what was the Occasion of this violent Passion, I beheld a LADY passing by her, dress'd Cap-a-pe after the present mode: Upon which I heard the Venerable Matron break forth into these Expressions;

Bless me said she! what uncouth Object is this invades my Eyes! a thing so forreign to all the known Species of Beings! Or am I superanuated and some new Power usurp'd my Place, to forge the World again, and hammer out such Forms as ne're before were rank'd in the great List of all my Works? Stay thou bold Phantasm! tell me what thou art? With that the Lady turn'd about, and made her this Answer.

Lady. You are merrily disposed Madam, and discover the Brilliant of Language in your Ex∣pressions: I am pleas'd with your Raillery; but pray What News from Paris? In what Arroy did the Dauphiness appear last Ball? I am told, my Commode is a Tire too low, as they adjust it at the French Court.

Mature. Am I a-dream'd, or has the Multi∣tude of Years impair'd my Sight and Judg∣ment? The Voice is Womans, but for the prating Figure I want a Name; I see a moving Pyramid of Gayities, a walking Toy-shop, a speaking Gallimaufry of Ribbons, Laces, Silks and Jewels, as if some upstart mimick Nature had been at work on purpose to upbraid my Skill and

tell me that in framing Woman I left out the Essentials.

Whilst Dame Nature was thus expostulating the Case with her self, I heard a sudden Noise rais'd behind me, at which looking that way, I saw Heraclitus Ridens standing in a Corner, ready to break his Twatling string, he was so big with Laughter; 'tis a fine time of day, said he, with Women, when Nature her self will not own 'em, as if she were ashamed of her Productions: Do but mind yonder Lady she has spent five Hours this Morning in Rigging and Careering her self for publick Appearance; and I dare be bold to say, you may as soon reckon up the Nume∣rous Tackle of a Ship, as give the true Nomen∣clature of all the gawdy Whim-whams she wears about her: You would not wonder at me for changing my Note, had you seen, as I did, what pains this little She-Lucifer took to day, to mend the supposed Botchery of Nature in her Face; how she hunted after imaginary Faults in her Cheeks, to find occasion for Black Patch∣es; how she plac'd and displac'd 'em an hundred times over, pursuing the least Spot and Freckle in her Skin to a thousand Dilemmaes. with Wash, Paint and Patch, till tired with the tedious Discipline of her Toilet, she sails forth of her Chamber like a new-launch'd Vessel with Pen∣dant's and Streamers flying, and all her Female Tackle in order from the Top and Top Gallant to the Humble Keel: Do but regard her Rig∣ging above Deck, and you'd swear she carries B••••••-Steeple upon her Head, or the famous Tower of Severus in Rome, which was built seven Ranks of Pillars one above another. Such a lofty Gradation of Top-knots, if it proceeds, will befriend the Carpenters and Bricklayers, for our Gentry and Tradesmen in time will be forced to pull down their low pitch'd Houses, and take the height of the Stories in the next Structure from the elevated Pageant of Trin∣kets on their Wives and Daughters Heads, lest these fine Trappings should be Kidnap'd from their empty Noddles by an unmannerly Brush of the sawcy Ceilings. 'Twould make a Dog split his Halter, to hear the learned Cant be∣tween the Mistress and the Maid, when about the important Affair of adjusting her Ladiships Arroy in a morning; you'd swear they were conjuring, they sputter out such a confus'd Jar∣gon of hard Words, such a Hotch-potch of Mongrel Gibberish: Bring me my Palisade there, quoth Madam: You'd think she were going to encamp. Will it not be convenient to attack your Flandan first, says the Maid? More Anger yet? still Military Terms? Let me see, says Madam, where's my Cornet? Pray carine this Favourite: So, so, good Words; now there's some hopes of Peace, till the blustering Frilal and Burgoign are call'd for, and then the old Catter-wawling begins again?

There is a Clack of Settees, Passes, Monte lit∣hauts, Crotches, and other Trinkums, would make a Man suspect they are raising the Devil: at last comes the Sur-les-font, and then Madam is compleatly harness'd for the Play, or the mysterious Ruelle.

Here Heroclitus made a Digression, at the sight of a Troop of Females that were walking by. These, said he, belong to the inferiour Class of Top-knots, they are but one Story high yet. Do but follow 'em, and you'l dis∣cover by the Working of their Heads and Tongues, that another is a brooding: I took his Counsel, and keeping at some distance, ob∣serv'd their Motion.

I wonder, says one of them, why the Men should make such a noise about the innocent Arts we use to win their Affections. They pretend to love us, and yet would confine us to a Dress that would make 'em hate us. What∣soever is not so gay and polite in the World, is despis'd and trampled on: We have reason to hold up our Heads, to deck our selves with all the Ornaments that may create Respect in that wild Race. Why should not an English Com∣mode be as allowable as the Persian Tiara, or the Roman Septi••onium were of old? Away with this servile Restraint! Let us appear like Amazons, defie the men, and all their grave Preachments, or lighter Pasquils, I am resolv'd to be in the mode, tho it should put me to the charge of maintaining a Negro to support the Monumental Umbretta on my Head. With that Dame Nature steps up to her, and thus ad∣dress'd.

VVhen I first moulded VVoman, and sub∣limated her from the grosser Ore, I drew into that fair Compendium all thr visible Perfections of the Creation; In her native simplicity she glit∣tered with Rays and Charms, that dazled all Eyes: Nothing so salvage or untain'd, that did not pay an Homage to her conquering Beau∣ty. She needed no other Ornament than the lustre which flow'd from her untainted Vertue. How comes it to pass thot she has lost her Diadem? and seeks in vain, to regain the shatter'd rem∣nants of her former Glory, by borrowing from

every Triffle, some counterfeit perfection to set her off? You are but the Milleners Machin, joyned together by Chambermaids efficious hands. A meer Chaos of needless Manufactures jumbled into the perfect Figure of a Woman.

The Lady that had first occasion'd Madam Natures surprize, and all this Discourse, had not patience to hear any more, but looking on her Watch that was attach'd to her Croch∣et, made her a Revoir to the Company, ex∣cusing her abrupt departure, by telling them, 'twas time to go to the Play house. Upon which the young Fry of Top-knots buttoning up their Mouthes in a most charmant manner, begg'd of her Ladyship to vindicate the com∣mon Cause against this Clownish old Beldame, that had made such a Coil about their Habili∣ments (for they had got that modish word by the end too.). The Lady fond of the Character of a good natur'd Woman, took up the Cudgels, and turning to Dame Nature, spoke to her after this manner.

Prithee don't trouble thy head old Gentle∣woman, said she, about the present Mode; the World is grown more refin'd and polite since your Youthful days: Women are not mew'd up in the Nursery, as in Queen Eliza∣beths time, but have Liberty of Conversation; we are more Eveille (as I may say) than for∣merly wean'd from the Winter-tales of the Chimney Corners, and learning the Modes a∣broad, and Customs of more civiliz'd Matrons. We had been absolutely barbarous, had ir not been for the Conquest of the Romans: And we should be little amended now, were it not for the Neighbourhood of the more accomplish'd French. I am in love with that genteel Na∣tion: ma Foy.

Ma Foy said Heraclitus laughing, you are much in the right on't. I e∣ver said the fondness of our English Women would make us Slaves to France; nothing but French will go down with us. We Eat, Drink, and Sleep in plain English, but we manage the rest of our Actions in French. We Love and Hate A-la-mode de Pa∣ris: We serve our King and Coun∣try A-la-mode de Paris: We walk, talk, dance and Sing A la-mode de Pa∣ris. In fine, we do all things en Ca∣valier, or A-la-mode de Paris, (which you will) being resolv'd to bring in the French King by Head and Shoul∣ders, rather than stand idle. And as for Names, Fashions, and other Whim∣whams, brought over from France; they are but as so many Introductions of the forlorn hope of a French Army, the Grooms of the wooden Horse that conceals the secret Enemies and Be∣trayers of our Ancient Liberties and Properties.

When Heraclitus had done, a Bo∣dy would have thought it was my turn to hold forth next, who had said nothing in this Company all the while; but I was ever kind to the Ladies, and seeing her run down by the Multitude, and Noise of her Antagonists, I had not the Heart to side with the strongest Party, tho I judged all to be truth they said; but seeing the Lady ready to de∣part, I very fairly offered her my hand: Had she accepted my Kindness, I be∣lieve it had been better for her Head-gear; for just as she cast a scornful Eye on me, telling me withal, That she lov'd no Neuters, all her Capital Gim-cracks were caught off at once from her Head by an unmannerly Bough of a Tree that hung over her, as she was deserting; which cross-grain'd Ac∣cident exposed her Ladyships Bald-pate to the open View of her Enemy, my old Grandame, so that I had much adoe with all the dexterity and haste I could make, to rescue her pendant Helmet time enough to attack it to her Skull before some Bullies came up to us, o whom you shall hear in the next.