The wild gallant a comedy : as it was acted at the Theater-Royal by His Majesties servants / written by John Dryden, esq.

THE Wild Gallant. SCENE LONDON

ACT I.

SCENE I.

Failer entring to Burr; who is putting on his Buff-Coat.

Fail.

WHat! Not ready yet, Man?

Burr.

You do not consider my Voyage from Hol∣land last night.

Fail.

Pish, a meer Ferry; get up, get up; my Cousins Maids will come and Blanket thee anon: Art thou not ashamed to lie a Bed so long?

Bur.

I may be more ashamed to rise; and so you'l say, dear Heart, if you look upon my Cloaths; the best is, my Buff-coat will cover all.

Fail.

I gad, there goes more cunning than one would think, to the putting thy Cloaths together: thy Doublet and Breeches are Guelphs and Ghibellins to one another; and the stiches of thy Doublet are

so far asunder, that it seems to hang together by the Teeth. No Man could ever guess to what part of the Body these fragments did belong, unless he had been acquainted with u'm as long as thou hast been. If they once lose their hold, they can never get together again, except by chance the Rags hit the Tallies of one another. He that gets into thy Doublet, must not think to do't by storme; no, he must win it inch by inch, as the Turk did Rhodes.

Burr.

You are very merry with my Wardrobe: but till I am pro∣vided of a better, I am resolv'd to receive all Visits in this Truckle∣bed.

Fail.

Then will I first scotch the Wheels of it, that it may not run; thou hast Cattle enough in it, to carry it down stairs, and break thy neck. 'tis got a yard nearer the door already.

Enter Boy.

Sir,

Mr. Bibber your Taylor's below, and desires to speak with you.

Fail.

He's an honest Fellow, and a fashionable, he shall set thee forth I warrant thee.

Burr.

I, but where's the Money for this dear Heart?

Fail,

—Well, but what think you of being put into a Suit of Cloaths, without Money?

[aside.

Burr.

You speak of Miracles.

Fail.

Do you not know Will. Bibbers humor?

Burr.

Prethee, What have I to do with his humor?

Fail.

Break but a Jest, and he'll beg to trust thee for a Suit; nay, he will contribute to his own destruction; and give thee occasions to make one: he has been my Artificer these three years; and, all the while I have liv'd upon his favourable apprehension: Boy, con∣duct him up.

[Exit Boy.

Burr.

But, What am I the better for this? I ne'r made Jeast in all my life.

Fail.

A bare clinch will serve the turn; a Carwichet, a Quar∣terquibble, or a Punn.

Burr.

Wit from a Low-Countrey-Soldier? One that has con∣vers'd with none but dull Dutchmen these ten yeares! What an un∣reasonable Rogue art thou? why, I tell thee, 'tis as difficult to me, as to pay him ready Money.

Fail.

Come, you shall be rul'd for your own good, Lie down; I'll throw the Cloaths over you to help Meditation; and, upon the first opportunity, start you up, and surprise him with a Jeast.

Burr.

Well, I think this impossible to be done: but, however I'll attempt.

[Lies down Failer covers him.

Fail.

Husht! he's coming up.

Enter Bibber.

Bib.

Morrow Mr. Failer: What, I warrant you think I come a Dunning now?

Fail.

No, I vow to Gad, Will, I have a better opinion of thy Wit, than to think, thou would'st come to so little purpose.

Bib.

Pretty well that: No, no; my business is to drink my mor∣nings-Draught in Sack with you.

Fail.

Will not Ale serve the turn, Will?

Bib.

I had too much of that last night; I was a little disguis'd, as they say.

Fail.

Why disguis'd? Hadst thou put on a clean Band, or wash'd thy Face lately? those are thy Disguises, Bibber.

Bibb.

Well, in short, I was drunk; damnably drunk with Ale; great Hogen Mogen bloody Ale: I was porterly drunk, and that I hate of all things in Nature.

Burr.

Rising: And of all things in Nature I love it best.

Bib.

Art thou there I'faith; and why, old Boy?

Burr.

Because when I am porterly drunk, I can carry my self.

Bib.

Ha, ha Boy.

Fail.

This Porter brings sad Newes to you Will. you must trust him for a suit of Cloathes, as bad as 'tis: come, h's an honest Fel∣low, and loves the King.

Bib.

Why? it shall be my Suit to him, that I may trust him.

Burr.

I grant your Suit, Sir,

Fail. Burr.

Make hast and dress you: Sir Timorous Dines here to day you know him.

Burr.

I, I a good honest young Fellow; but, no Conjurer; he and I are very kind.

Fail.

I gad we two have a constant Revenue out of him: he would now be admitted Suitor to my Lady Constance Nonsuch,

my Lord Nonsuch his Daughter; our Neighbour here in Fleet street.

Burr.

Is the Match in any forwardness?

Fail.

He never saw her before yesterday, and will not be brought to speak to her this Moneth yet.

Burr.

That's strange.

Fail.

Such a bashful Knight did I never see; but we must move for him.

Bib.

They say here's a great Dinner to be made to day here, at your Cousin Trices, on purpose for the enterview.

Burr.

What he keeps up his old humor still?

Fail.

Yes certain; he admires eating and drinking well, as much as ever, and measures every mans wit, by the goodness of his Pa∣late.

Burr.

Who Dines here besides.

Fail.

Jac. Loveby.

Bib.

O, my Ghest.

Burr.

He has ever had the repute of a brave clear-spirited Fellow.

Fail.

He's one of your Dear Hearts, a Debau che.

Burr.

I love him the better for't: the best Heraldry of a Gentle∣man is a Clapderiv'd to him, from three Generations: What fortune has he?

Fail.

Good Fortune at all Games; but no Estate: he had one; but he has made a Devil on't long ago: he's a bold Fellow, I vo w to Gad: a person that keep; company with his betters; and com∣monly has Gold in's pockets: come Bibber; I see thou longest to be at thy mornings watering: I'll try what credit I have with the Butler.

Burr.

Come away my noble Festus and new Customer.

Fail.

Now will he drink till his Face be no bigger than a three∣pence.

(Exeunt.

Enter Loveby and Boy; follow'd by Frances Bibbers Wife.

Lov.

Nay, the Devil take thee, sweet Landlady, hold thy tongue: Was't not enough thou hast scolded me from my Lodging, which, as long as I rent it, is my Castle; but to follow me here to Mr. Tri∣ces, where I am invited; and to discredit me before strangers, for a lowsy, Paltry summ of Money?

Franc.

I tell you truely, Mr. Loveby, my husband and I cannot live by Love, as they say; we must have wherewithal, as they say; and pay for what we take; and so shall you, or some shall smoak for't.

Lov.

Smoak! why a piece of hung Beef in Holland is not more smoakt, then thou hast Smoak'd me already. Thou know'st I am now fasting; let me have but fair play; when I have lined my sides with a good dinner, I'll ingage upon reputation to come home again, and thou shalt scold at me all the afternoon.

Franc.

I'll take the Law on you.

Lov.

The Law allows none to scold in their own Causes: What do'st thou think the Lawyers take our money for?

Franc.

I hope you intend to deal by my Husband like a Gentle∣man, as they say?

Lov.

Then I should beat him most unmercifully, and not pay him neither.

Franc.

Come, you think to fobb me off with your Jests as you do my Husband; but it wonn't be: yonder he comes, and compa∣ny with him; Husband, husband; why William I say!

Enter Bibber, Burr, and Failer at the other end.

Lov.

Speak softly, and I will satisfie thee.

Franc.

You shall not satisfie me, Sir; pay me for what you owe me, for Chamber-rent, and Diet, and many a good thing besides, that shall be nameless.

Lov.

What a Stygian woman's this to talk thus? hold thy tongue till they be gone, or I'll Cuckold thy husband:

Fran.

You Cuckold him—would you durst Cuckold him; I will not hold my Tongue, Sir.

Bib.

Yonders my Guest; what say you Gentlemen? shall I call him to go down with us?

Lov.

I must make a loose from her, there's no otherway: Save ye Mr. Failer; is your Cousin Trice stirring yet: answer me quickly Sir, is your Cousin Trice yet stirring?

Fail.

I'll go and see, Sir; sure the man has a mind to beat me; but I vow to Gad I have no mind to be beaten by him: come away

Burr.

Will. you'll follow us.

Bib.

I'll be with you immediately—

[Exeunt Burr. Failer.

Lov.

Who was that with Failer, Will.

Bib.

A man at Armes, that's come from Holland.

Lov.

A man out at Armes thou mean'st, Will.

Bib.

Good I'faith.

Franc.

I, I; you runquesting up and down after your Gambols, and your Jests William; and never mind the main chance, as they say: pray get in your Debts, and think upon your Wife and Chil∣dren.

Lov.

Think upon the Sack at Cary-House, with the Apricot fla∣vour Will. hang a Wife; What is she, but a lawful kind of Man∣slayer? every little hugg in bed, is a degree of murdering thee: and for thy Children fear u'm not: thy part of u'm shall be Taylors, and they shall trust; and those thy Customers get for thee shall be Gentlemen, and they shall be trusted by their Brethren; and so thy children shall live by one another.

Bib.

Did you mark that Frances? there was wit now; he call'd me Cuckold to my face, and yet for my heart I cannot be angry with him: I perceive you love Frances Sir 〈◊〉〈◊〉 I love her the bet∣ter for your sake; speak truly, ••o you 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 such a pretty brown kind of woman?

Lov.

I do I'faith, Will. your fair Women have no substance in u'm they shrink Ith' wetting.

Franc.

Well, you may be undone if you will Husband: I hear there are 2 or 3 Actions already out against him: you may be the last, if you think good.

Bib.

'Tis true she tel's me; I love your wit well Sir; but I must cut my coat according to my cloath.

Franc.

Sir, we'll come by our own as we can; if you put us off from week to week thus.

Lov.

Nay, but good Landlady—

Franc.

Will good Landlady set on the Pot, as they say; or make the Jack goe; then I'll hear you.

Bib.

Now she's too much on the t'other hand: hold your prating Fran∣ces; or I'll put you out of your Pater Nosters with a sorrow to you.

Franc.

I did but lay the Law open to him, as they say, whereby to get our money in: but if you knew how he had used me Husband.

Bib.

Has he us'd you Frances; put so much more into his Bill for Lodging.

Lov.

Honest Will, and so he dy'd; I thank thee little Bibber, be∣ing sober, and when I am drunk, I will kiss thee for't.

Bib.

Thank me, and pay me my money, Sir; though I could not forbear my jest, I do not intend to lose by you; if you pay me not the sooner, I must provide you another Lodging; say I gave you warning.

Lov.

Against next quarter Landlord?

Bib.

Of an hour Sir.

Lov.

That's short warning, Will.

Bib.

By this hand you shall up into the Garret where the little bed is; I'll let my best room to a better paymaster; you know the Garret, Sir.

Franc.

I, he knows it by a good Token Husband.

Lov.

I sweat to think of that Garret, Will. thou art not so un∣conscionable to put me there: why 'tis a kind of little ease, to cramp thy rebellious Prentices in; I have seen an Usurers Iron Chest would hold two on't: a penny Looking-glass cannot stand upright in the Window, that and the Brush fills it: the Hat-case must be dispos'd under the Bed, and the Comb-case will hang down form the Seeling to the Floore. If I chance to Dine in my Chamber, I must stay till I am empty before I can get out: and if I chance to spill the Chamber-pot, it will over-flow it from top to bottom.

Bib.

Well, for the description of the Garret, I'll bate you some∣thing of the Bill.

Lov.

All, all, good Will. or to stay thy fury till my Rents come up; I will describe thy little Face.

Bib,

No, rather describe your own little money; I am sure that's so Little, it is not visible.

Lov.

You are ith' right, I have not a cross at present, as I am a sinner; and you will not believe me, I'll turn my Pockets inside out∣ward—Ha! What's the meaning of this, my Pockets hea∣vy? Has my smal Officer put in Counters to abuse me?—How now, yellow Boyes, by this good light! Sirrah, Varlet, how came I by this Gold? Ha!

Boy.

What Gold do you mean, Sir? the Devil-a-piece you had this morning: in these last three weeks, I have almost forgot what my Teeth were made for; last night good Mrs. Bibber here took pitty on me, and crumm'd me a Mess of Gruel, with the Children, and I popt and popt my Spoon three or four times to my mouth, before I could find the way to't.

Lov.

'Tis strange, how I should come by so much Money!

(aside.

Has there been no body about my Chamber this morning, Land∣lady?

Boy

O yes, Sir; I forgot to tell you that: this Morning a strange Fellow, as ever eyes beheld, would needs come up to you when you were asleep; but when he came down again, he said, He had not wak'd you.

Lov.

Sure this Fellow, who e'r he was, was sent by Fortune to mistake me into so much Money.—Well, this is not the first time my necessities have been strangely supply'd: some Cadua or other has a kindness for me, that's certain: (aside.—Well Monsieur Bibbèr, from henceforward I'll keep my wit for more refin'd spirits; you shall be payd with dirt;—there's Money for you.

Bib.

Nay, Good Sir.—

Lov.

What's your summ? tell it out: Will the Money burn your fingers? Sirrah, Boy, fetch my Suit with the Gold Lace at Sleeves from Tribulation—Gives him Gold.

[Exit. Boy.

Mr. Taylour,

I shall turn the better Bill-man, and knock that little Coxcomb of yours, if you do not answer me what I owe you.

Bib.

Pray Sir, troub not your self; 'tis nothing; Ifeck now 'tis not.

Lov.

How, nothing Sir?

Franc.

And't please your worship, it was seventeen pounds and a Noble, yesterday at noon, your worship knows: and then your wor∣ship came home ill last night, and complain'd of your worships head; and I sent for three Dishes of Tea fo your good worship, and that was six pence more, and please your worship's honor.

Lov.

Well; there's eighteen pieces, tell u'm.

Bib.

I say, Frances, do not take u'm,

Lov.

What, Is all your pleading of necessity come to this?

Bib.

Now I see he will pay, he shall not pay, Frances; go home, and fetch him the whole bag of forty pounds, I'll lend it him, and the Lease of the House too; he shall want for nothing.

Lov.

Take the Money, or I'll leave your house.

Bib.

Nay, rather than displease his Worship, take it.

[She takes it.

Lov.

So, so; go home quietly, and Suckle my God-son, Francis.

[Exit Frances.

Bib.

If you are for the Cellar, Sir, you know the way.

[Exit Bibber.

Lov.

No, my first visit shall be to my Mistriss, the Lady Constance Nonsuch: She's discreet, and how the Devil she comes to love me, I know not; yet I am pretty confident she loves me: well, no wo∣man can be wiser than, you know what will give her leave to be.

Enter Lady Constance, and Madam Isabella.

Isa.

Look, look; Is not that your Servant, Loveby.?

Love.

'Tis she; there's no being seen, till I am better habited—

[Exit Loveby.

Const.

Let him go, and take no notice of him: poor Rogue! He little thinks I know his poverty.

Isa.

And less, that you supply it by an unknown hand.

Const.

I, and falfified my Fathers Keyes to do it.

Isa.

How can you answer this to your discretion?

Const.

Who could see him want she loves?

Enter Setstone.

Isa.

Oh here's Mr. Setstone come, your Jeweller, Madam.

Const.

Welcome Setstone, hast thou perform'd thy visit Happi y, and without discovery?

Set.

As you would wish it, Madam: I went up to his Chamber without interruption; and there found him Drowning his cares, and pacifying his hunger with sleep; Which advantage I took, and undiscovered by him left The Gold divided in his Pockets.

Const.

Well, this Money will furnish him I hope, that we may have his company again.

Set.

Two hundred and fifty good pounds, Madam! Has your Father miss'd it yet?

Const.

No; if he had, we should have all heard on't before how: but, pray God Monsieur Loveby has no other haunts to divert him now he's ransom'd: what a kind of woman is his Landlady?

Sett.

Well enough to serve a Taylor; or to kiss when he comes home drunk, or wants money; but, far unlikely to create jealousie in your Ladiship.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Madam, Justice Trice desires your Ladiships excuse, that he has not yet perform'd the Civilities of his hour to you; he is dispatching a little business, about which he is earnestly employ∣ed.

Const.

He's Master of his own occasions.

[Exit Servant.

Isa.

We shall see him anon, with his face as read, as if it had been boyl'd in pump-water: but, When comes this Miror of Knighthood that is to be presented you for your Servant?

Const.

Oh, 'tis well thought on; 'Faith thou know'st my affecti∣ons are otherwise dispos'd; he's rich, and thou want'st a Fortune; atchieve him if thou can'st; 'tis but trying, and thou hast as much wit as any Wench in England.

Isa.

On condition you'l take it for a Courtesie to be ridd of an Ass, I care not if I marry him: the old foole, your Father, would be so importunate to match you with a young Foole, that partly for quietness sake I am content to take him.

Const.

To take him! then you make sure on't.

Isa.

As sure, as if the Sack Posset were already eaten.

Const.

But, What means wilt thou use to get him?

Isa.

I'll bribe Failer, he's the man.

Const.

Why this Knight is his inheritance; he lives upon him: Do'st thou think he'll ever admit thee to govern him? no, he fears thy wit too much: besides, he has already received an hundred pound to make thee Match between Sir Timorous and me.

Isa.

'Tis all one for that; I warrant you he sells me Fee-simple of him.

Set.

Your Father, Madam.—

Enter Nonsuch.

Isab.

The Tempest is risen; I see it in his face; he puffs and blowes yonder, as if two of the Winds were fighting upwards and downwards in his belly.

Set.

Will he not find your false Keyes, Madam?

Isa.

I hope he will have more Humanity then to search us.

Const.

You are come after us betimes, Sir.

Non.

Oh Child! I am undone; I am robb'd, I am robb'd; I have utterly lost all stomach to my dinner.

Const.

Robb'd! good my Lord how, or of what?

Non.

Two hundred and fifty pounds in fair Gold out of my Study: an hundred of it I was to have paid a Courtier this afternoon for a Bribe.

Set.

I protest, my Lord, I had as much a do to get that parcel of Gold for your Lordship.—

Non.

You must get me as much more against to morrow; for then my Friend at Court is to pay his Mercer.

Isa.

Nay, if that be all, there's no such hast: the Courtiers are not so forward to pay their Debts.

Const.

Has not the Monkey been in the Study? he may have carri∣ed it away, and dropt it under the Garden-window: the grafs is long enough to hide it.

Non.

I'll go see immediately.

Enter Failer, Burr, Timorous.

Fail.

This is the Gentleman, my Lord

Non.

He's wellcome—

Fail.

And this the particular of his Estate.

Non.

That's wellcome too.

Fail.

But, besides the Land here mentioned, he has wealth in specie.

Non.

A very fine young Gentleman.

Tim.

Now, my Lord, I hope there's no great need of Wooing: I suppose my Estate will speak for me; yet, if you please to put in a word.

Non.

That will I instantly.

Tim.

I hope I shall have your good word too Madam, to your Cousin for me;

[To Isabelle.]

Isa.

Any thing within my power, Sir Timerous.

Non.

Daughter, here's a person of Quality, and one that loves and honours you exceedingly—

Tim.

Nay, good my Lord! you discover all at first dash.

Non.

Let me alone, Sir; Have not I the dominion over my own Daughter? Constance, here's a Knight in love with you, Childe.

Const.

In love with me, my Lord, it is not possible.

Non.

Here he stands that will make it good, Childe.

Tim.

Who I, my Lord? I hope her Ladyship has a better opinion of me than so.

Non.

What, Are not you in love with my Daughter? I'll be Sworn you told me so but even now: I'll eat words for no man.

Tim.

If your Ladyship will believe all reports that are raised on Men of Quality—

Non.

He told it me with his own mouth, Child: I'll eat words for no man; that's more then ever I told him yet.

Fail.

You told him so but just now; fye, Sir Timerous.

Non.

He shall have no Daughter of mine and he were a thousand Knights; he told me, he hop'd I would speak for him: I'll eat no mans words; that's more than ever I told him yet.

Isa.

You need not keep such a pudder about eating his words; you see he has eaten u'm already for you.

Non.

I'll make him stand to his words, and he shall not marry my Daughter neither: by this good day, I will—

[Exit Nonsuch.

Const.

'Tis an ill day to him; he has lost 250 l. in't.

[To Isab.

Burr.

He swears at the rate of two thousand pounds a year, if the Rump Act were still in being.

Fail.

He's in passion man; and besides, he has been a great Fana∣tick formerly, and now has got a habit of Swearing, that he may be thought a Cavalier.

Burr.

What noise is that? I think I hear your Cousin Trice's voice.

Fail.

I'll go see—

Exit Fail,

Isab.

Come Sir Timerous, be not discouraged: 'tis but an old mans srowardness; he's alwayes thus against raine.

Enter Failer.

Fail.

O Madam follow me quickly; and if you do not see sport, Melancholly be upon my head.—

[Exeunt omnes.

The Scene changes, and Trice is discovered playing at Tables by him∣self, with Spectacles on, a Bottle, and Parmezan by him; they re∣turn and see him, undiscovered by him.

Trice.

Cinque and Cater: my Cinque I play here Sir, my Cater here Sir: Now for you Sir: but first I'll drink to you Sir; upon my faith I'll do you reason Sir: mine was thus full Sir: pray mind your play Sir:—Size Ace I have thrown: I'll play em at length Sir:—will you Sir? then you have made a blot Sir; I'll try if I can enter: I have hit you Sir.

—I think you can cog a Dye Sir. —I cog a Dye Sir? I play as fair as you, or any man.

—You lye Sir, how lye Sir; I'll teach you what 'tis to give a Gentleman the lye Sir.—

[Throws down the Tables.

They all laugh and discover themselves.

Isab.

Is this your serious business?

Trice.

O you Rogue are you there? you are welcome huswife, and so are you Constance, fa tol de re tol de re la.

Claps their backs.

Isab.

Prithee be not so••ude Trice.

Trice:

Huswise Constance, I'll have you into my Larder, and shew you my provision: I have Cocles, dainty fat Cocles that came in the night; if they had seen the day, I would not have given a fart for u'm. I would the King had u'm.

Const.

He has as good I warrant you.

Trice:

Nay that's a lye, I could sit and cry for him sometimes

he does not know what 'tis to eat a good meal in a whole year: his Cooks are Asses: I have a delicate dish of Ruffs to dinner Sirrah.

Const.

To dinner!

Trice.

To dinner! why by supper they had been past their prime. I'll tell thee the story of u'm: I have a friend.—

Enter Servant.

Sir Dinner's upon the Table.

Trice.

Well, well; I have a friend as I told you.—

Serv.

Dinner stayes Sir, 'tis Dinner that stayes: sure he will hear now.

Trice.

I have a friend as I told you.—

Isab.

I believe h's your friend, you are so loath to part with him—

Trice.

Away; away;—I ll tell you the story between the cour∣ses. Go you to the Cook immediately, Sirrah; and bring me word what we have to supper, before we go to dinner; I love to have the satisfaction of the day before me.

Exeunt omnes.

ACT. II.

SCENE II.

Enter as from Dinner, Trice, Timerous, Failer, Burr, Constace, Isabelle.

Trice.

SPeak thy conscience; was it not well dress'd sirrah?

Tim.

What think you of the Park, after our plenteous entertainment Madam?

Isab.

I defie the Park, and all its works.

Const.

Come, Mr. Trice, we'll walk in your Garden.

Exeunt preter Failer and Burr.

Fail.

O, one thing I had almost forgot to tell you: one of us two must ever be near Sir Timerous.

Burr.

Why?

Fail.

To guard our interest in him from the Enemy Madam Isa∣belle;

who, I doubt, has designes upon him. I do not fear her wit, but her sex; she carries a prevailing argument about her.

Enter Bibber with a Bottle.

Bib.

By this hand, I have a light upon the best wine in your Cou∣fins Cellar, drink but one glass to me, to shew I am welcome, and I am gone.

Fail.

Here then, honest Will. 'tis a cup of forbearance to thee.

Bib.

Thank you Sir, I'll pledge you—now here's to you a∣gain.

Fail.

Come away; what is't Will.

Bib.

'Tis what you christened it, a cup of forbearance Sir.

Fail.

Why, I drank that to thee Will. that thou shouldst forbear thy money.

Bib.

And I drink this to you, Sir; henceforward I'll forbear working for you.

Fail.

Then say I: take a little Bibber, and throw him in the River, and if he will trust never, then there let him lie ever.

Bib.

Then say I: take a little Failer, and throw him to the Jay∣lour; and there let him lie, till he has paid his Tailor.

Bur.

You are very smart upon one another Gentlemen.

Fail.

This is nothing between us; I use to tell him of his Title, Fiery facias; and his setting dog, that runs into Ale-houses before him, and comes questing out again, if any of the woots his customers be within.

Bib.

I faith 'tis true; and I use to tell him of his two Capons tails about his hat, that are laid spread eagle wise to make a feather; I would go into the snow at any time, and in a quarter of an hour I would come in with a better feather upon my head; and so farewell Sir; I have had the better on you hitherto, and for this time I am resolved to keep it.

[Exit Bibber.

Fail.

The rogue's too hard for me; but the best on't is, I have my revenge upon his purse.

Enter Isabelle.

Isab.

Came not Sir Timerous this way, Gentlemen? he left us in the Garden, and said he would look out my Lord Nonsuch, to make his peace with him.

Fail.

Madame, I like not your enquiting after Sir Timerous: I suspect you have some design upon him: you would fain undermine your Cousin, and marry him your self.

Isab.

Suppose I should design it; what are you the worse for my good fortune? Shall I make a proposition to you: I know you two carry a great stroke with him: make the match between us, and pro∣pound to your selves what advantages you can reasonably hope: you shall chouse him of horses, cloathes and Money, and I'll wink at it.

Bur.

And if he will not be chous'd, shall we beat him out on't?

Isab.

For that, as you can agree.

Fail.

Give us a handsel of the bargain; let us enjoy you, and 'tis a match.

Isab.

Grammarcy ifaith boyes; I love a good offer how e'r the world goes? but you would not be so base to wrong him that way.

Fail.

I vow to gad but I would Madam: in a horse or a woman I may lawfully cheat my own Father: besides, I know the Knights complexion; he would be sure to follow other women; and all that.

Isab.

Nay, if he fought with the sword, he should give me leave to fight with the Scabbard.

Bur.

What say you Madam? is't a bargain.

Isab.

'Tis but a promise; and I have learnt a Court trick for per∣forming any thing. (aside) Well Gentlemen, when I am married I'll think upon you; you'll grant there's a necessity I should Cuckold him, if it were but to prove my self a Wit.

Fail.

Nay, there's no doubt you'll Cuckold him; and all that; for look you he's a person fit for nothing else; but I fear we shall not have the graffing of the horns; we must have Livery and Seisin before hand of you, or I protest to gad we believe you not.

Isa.

I have past my word, is't not sufficient? what do you think, I would tell a lie to save such a paltrie thing as a nights lodging?—Hark you Sir:

(to Burr.)

Fail.

Now will she attempt Burr; igad she has found him out for the weaker vessel.

Isa.

I have no kindness for that Failer, we'll strike him out, and man ge Sir Timerous our selves.

Burr:

Indeed we wonnot.

Isa.

Failer's a Rook, and besides, he's such a debauched fellow.

Burr.

I am ten times worse.

Isa.

Leave it, and him that taught it you: you have virtuous incli∣nations, and I would not have you ruine your self. He that serves many Mistresses, surfeits on his diet, and grows dead to the whole sex: 'tis the folly in the world next long ears and braying.

Bur.

Now I'm sure you have a mind to me; when a woman once falls to preaching, the next thing is ever use and application.

Isa.

Forbear your rudeness—

Bur.

Then I am sure you meant to jilt me: you decline Failer be∣cause he has wit; and you think me such an ass, that you may pack me off so soon as you are married; no, no, I'll not venture certainties for uncertainties.

Isa.

I can hold no longer; Mr. Failer, what do you think this fellow was saying of you?

Fail.

Of me, Madam.

Isa.

That you were one of the errantest Cowards in Christendom, though you went for one of the Dear Hearts: that your name had been upon more posts than play-bills: and that he had been acquain∣ted with you these seven years, drunk and sober, and yet could ne∣ver fasten a quarrel upon you.

Bur.

Do you believe this, Dear Heart?

Isa.

If you deny it, I'll take his sword, and force you to confess it.

Fail.

I vow to gad, this will not do, Madam: you shall not set us at variance so easily; neither shall you have Sir Timerous.

Isa.

No! then mark my words: I'll marry him in spight of you; and which is worse, you shall both work my ends; and I'll discard you for your pains.

Fail.

You shall not touch a bit of him: Ill preserve his humbles from you igad; they shall be his Keepers fees.

Bur.

She shall cut an Atome sooner than divide us.

Exeunt Burr and Failer.

Enter Constance.

Con.

I have given u'm the slip in the Garden, to come and over∣hear thee: no fat overgrown virgin of forty ever offer'd her self so dog cheap, or was more despis'd: me-thinks now this should mortifie thee exceedingly.

Isa.

Not a whit the more for that: Cousin mine, our Sex is not so easily put out of conceitwith our own beauties.

Con.

Thou hast lost the opinion of thy honesty, and got nothing in recompence: now that's such an oversight in a Lady.

Isab.

You are deceiv'd; they think me too virtuous for their pur∣pose; but I have yet another way to try, and you shall help me.

Enter Loveby new habited.

Const.

Mr. Loveby. welcome, welcome: where have you been this fortnight.

Lov.

Faith Madam, out of Town to see a little thing that's fallen to me upon the death of a Grandmother.

Const.

You thank death for the windfall, Servant: but why are you not in mourning for her.

Lov.

Troth Madam it came upon me so suddenly I had not time: twas a fortune utterly unexpected by me.

Isab.

Why, was your Grandmother so young you could not look for her disease?

Lov.

Not for that neither; but I had many other kindred whom she might have left it to, only she heard I liv'd here in fashion, and spent my money in the eye of the world.

Const.

You forge these things prettily; but I have heard you are as poor as a decimated Cavalier, and had not one foot of land in all the world.

Lov.

Rivals tales, Rivals tales, Madam.

Const.

Where lies your land, Sir?

Lov.

I'll tell you Madam, it has upon it a very fair Manor house; from one side you have in prospect an hanging Garden.

Isa.

Who was hang'd there? not your Grandmother I hope?

Lov,

In the midst of it you have a Fountain: you have seen that at Hampton-Court; it will serve to give you a slight image of it. Be∣yond the Garden you look to a River through a Perspective of fruit∣trees; and beyond the River you see a Mead so flowry: well I shall never be at quiet, till we two make hay there.

Const.

But where lies this Paradice?

Lov.

Pox on't; I am thinking to sell it, it has such a villanous unpleasant name; it would have sounded so harsh in a Ladies ear. But for the Fountain, Madam—

Const.

The Fountain's a poor excuse, it will not hold water; come the name, the name.

Lov.

Faith it is come so lately into my hands, that I have forgot the name on't,

Isab.

That's much, now, you should forget the name, and yet could make such an exact description of the place.

Lov.

If you will needs know, the name's Bawdy; sure this will give a stop to their curiosity.

(aside.)

Isa.

At least you'll tell us in what County it lies, that my Cousin may send to enquire about it; come, this shall not serve your turn, tell us any Town that's near it.

Lov.

'Twill be somewhat too far to send; it lies in the very North of Scotland.

Isa.

In good time, a Paradice in the Highlands; is't not so Sir?

Const.

It seems you went Post, Servant: in troth you are a rank rider, to go to the North of Scotland, stay and take possession, and return again, in ten days time.

Isa.

I never knew your Grandmother was a Scotch woman: is she not a Tartar too: pray whistle for her, and lets see her daunce: come—whist Grannee!

Const.

Fie fie Servant; what no invention in you? all this while a studying for a name of your Manor? come, come, where lyes it? tell me.

Lov.

No faith, I am wiser than so; I'll discover my Seat to no man; so I shall have some damn'd Lawyer keep a prying into my title to defeat me of it.

Const.

How then shall I be satisfied there is such a thing in Na∣ture?

Lov.

Tell me what Jewel you would wear, and you shall have it: Enquire into my money, there's the trial.

Const.

Since you art so flush, Sir, you shall give me a Locket of Diamonds of three hundred pounds.

Isa.

That was too severe; you know he has but 250 l. to bestow.

[to her.]

Lov.

Well you shall have it, Madam: but I cannot higgle: I know you'll say it did not cost above 200 pieces.

Isa.

I'll be hanged if he does not present you with a parcel of melted Flints set in Gold, of Norfolk pebbles.

Lov.

Little Gentlewoman you are so keen:—Madam, this night I have appointed business, to morrow I'll wait upon you with it.

Exit Loveby.

Isa.

By that time he has bought his Locket, and paid his Land∣lady,

all his Money will be gone: but, Do you mean to prosecute your plot, to see him this evening?

Const.

Yes, and that very privately; if my Father know it I am undone.

Enter Setstone.

Isa.

I heard him say this night he had appointed business.

Set.

Why that was it Madam; according to your order I put on a disguise, and found him in the Temple-Walkes: having drawn him aside, I told him, if he expected happiness, he must meet me in a blind Alley I nam'd to him, on the back-side of Mr. Trices house, just at the close of evening; there he should be satisfied from whom he had his suplies of Money.

Const.

And how did he receive the Summons?

Set.

Like a bold Hector of Troy; without the least doubt or scru∣ple: but, the jeast on't was, he would needs believe that I was the Devil.

Const.

Sure he was afraid to come then.

Set.

Quite contrary; he told me I need not be so shy, to acknow∣ledge my self to him; he knew I was the Devil; but he had learnt so much civility, as not to press his Friend to a farrher discovery than he was pleased, I should see I had to do with a Gentleman; and any Courtesie I should confer on him he would not be unthank∣ful; for he hated ingratitude of all things.

Const.

'Twas well carried not to disabuse him: I laugh to think what sport I shall have anon, when I convince him of his lies, and let him know I was the Devil to whom he was beholding for his Money: go Setstone; and in the same disguise be ready for him.

(Exit. Setstone.

Isa.

How dare you trust this fellow?

Const.

I must trust some body; gain has made him mine, and now fear will keep him faithful.

To them, Bur, Failer, Timorous, Trice, Nonsuch.

Fail.

Pray, my Lord, take no picque at it: 'tis not given to all men to be confident: Igad you shall see Sir Timorous will redeem all upon the next occasion.

Non.

A raw mieking Boy.

Isa.

And what are you but an old Boy of five and fifty; I never knew any thing so homorsome.—I warrant you, Sir Timerous, I'll speak for you.

Non.

Would'st thou have me be friends with him! for thy sake he shall onely add five hundred a year to her Joynture, and I'll be satisfied: come you hither, Sir.

Here Trice and Nonsuch and I imorous, talk privately; Burr with Failer apart; Constance with. Isabelle.

Const.

You'l not find your account in this trick to get Failer beaten; 'tis too palpable and open.

Isa.

I warrant you 'twill pass upon Burr for a time: so my re∣venge, and your interest will go on together.

Fail.

Burr, there's mischief a brewing, I know it by their whispring I vow to gad: look to your self, their designs on you; for my part I am a person that am above u'm.

Tim.

to Trice: But then you must speak for me Mr. Trice; and you too my Lord.

Non.

If you deny't again, I'll beat you; look to't Boy.

Trice.

Come on; I'll make the bargain.

Isa.

You were ever good in a Flesh Market.

Trice.

Come you little Harlotry; What satisfaction can you give me for running away before the Ruffs came in?

Const.

Why I left you to u'm, that ever invite your own belly to the greatest part of all your feasts.

Trice.

I have brought you a Knight here Huswife, with a plen∣tiful Fortune to furnish out a Table; and, What would you more? Would you be an angel in Heaven?

Isab.

Your minds ever upon your belly.

Trice.

No; 'tis sometimes upon yours: but, What say'st thou to Sir Timirous, little Constance?

Const.

Would you have me married to that King Midas Face?

Trice.

Midas me no Midas; he's a Wit; he understands eating and drinking well: Poeta coquus, the heathen Philosopher, could tell you that.

Const.

Come on Sir; What's your will with me?

(Laughs)

Tim.

Why Madam, I could onely wish we were a little better ac∣quainted, that we might not laugh at one another so.

Const.

If the Fool puts forward I am undone.

Tim.

Fool! Do you know me Madam?

Const.

You may see I know you, because I call you by your name.

Fail.

You must endure these rebukes with patience, Sir Timo∣rous.

Const.

What, are you Plannet stroke? Look you, my Lord, the Gentleman is Tongue-ty'd.

Non.

This is past enduring.

Fail.

'Tis nothing, my Lord; Courage, Sir Timorous.

Non.

I say 'tis past enduring; that's more then ever I told you yet: Do you come to make a fool of my Daughter?

Isa.

Why Lord—

Non.

Why Lady—

(Exit Nonsuch.

Trice.

Let's follow the old Man, and pacifie him.

Isa.

Now Cousin—

Exeunt Isabelle, Trice, Burr.

Const.

Well Mr. Failer, I did not think you of all the rest would have endeavoured a thing so much against my inclination, as this Marriage: if you had been acquainted with my heart, I am sure you would not.

Fail.

What can the meaning of this be? you would not have me believe you love me; and yet how otherwise to understand you I vow to gad I cannot comprehend.

Const.

I did not say I lov'd you, but if I should take a fancy to your Person and Humour: I hope it is no Crime to tell it you: Women are ty'd to hard unequal Laws: the passion is the same in us, and yet we are debarr'd the freedom to express it. You make poor Grecian beggars of us Ladies; our desires must have no language; but onely be fastned to our breasts.

Fail.

Come, come; I gad I know the whole Sex of you: your Love's at best but a kind of blind-mans-buff, catching at him that's next in your way.

Const.

Well Sir, I can take nothing ill from you; when 'tis too late you'l see how unjust you have been to me.—I have said too much already.—

(is going.)

Fail.

Nay, stay sweet Madam: I vow to gad my fortunes better than I could imagine.

Const.

No, pray let me go, Sir; perhaps I was in jeast.

Fail.

Really Madam, I look upon you as a person of such worth and all that, that I Vow to gad I honour you of all persons in the World; and though I am a person that am inconsiderable in the World, and all that Madam, yet for a person of your worth and ex∣cellency, I would—

Const.

What would you, Sir?

Fail.

Sacrifice my life and fortunes, I vow to gad, Madam.

Enter Isabelle, Burr, and Timorous at a distance from them.

Isa.

There's Failer close in Talk with my Cousin; he's solliciting your suit, I warrant you, Sir Timorous: do but observe with what passion he courts for you.

Burr,

I do not like that kneading of her hand though.

Isa.

Come, you are such a jealous Coxcomb: I warrant you sus∣pect there's some amour between u'm; there can be nothing in't it is so open: pray observe.

Burr.

But, How come you so officious, Madam; you, that e'r now had a design upon Sir Timorous for you self?

Isa.

I thought you had a better opinion of my Wit, than to think I was in earnest. My Cousen may do what she pleases, but he shall never pin himself upon me assure him.

Const. to Fail.

Sir Timorous little knows how dangerous a person he has employed in making love:—

(aloud)

Burr.

How's this! Pray my Lady Constance, what's the mean∣ing of that you say to Failer?

Fail.

What luck was this, that he should over-hear you! pax on't!

Const.

Mr. Burr, I owe you not that satisfaction; what you have heard you may interpret as you please.

Tim.

The Rascal has betray'd me.

Isa.

In earnest, Sir, I do not like it.

Fail.

Dear Mr. Burr. be pacify'd; you are a person I have an ho∣nour

for; and this change of Affairs shall not be the worse for you I gad Sir.

Const.

Bear up resolutely Mr. Failer; and maintain my Favours, as becomes my servant.

Burr.

He maintain u'm! go you Judas! I'll teach you what 'tis to play fast and loose with a Man of War

(Kickes him.

Tim.

Lay it on Burr.

Isa.

Spare him not, Burr.

Const.

Fear him not, Servant.

Fail.

Oh, oh; would no body were on my side; here I am prais'd I vow to gad into all the Colours of the Rainbow.

Const.

But, remember 'tis for me.

Burr.

As you like this, proceed, Sir; but, come not near me to night, while I'm in wrath.

(Exeunt Burr and Timorous.

Const.

Come, Sir; How fare you after your sore Trial: you bore it with a most heroick patience.

Isa.

Brave man at Armes, but weak to Balthazer!

Fail.

I hope to gad, Madam, you'l consider the merit of my suf∣ferings: I would not have been beaten thus, but to obey that per∣son in the World—

Const.

Heaven reward you for't: I never shall.

Fail.

How Madam!

Isa.

Art thou such an Ass as not to perceive thou art abused: this beating I contriv'd for you: you know upon what acount; and have yet another or two at your service: yield up the Knight in time, 'tis your best course.

Fail,

Then, Does not your Ladyship Love me Madam?

Const.

Yes, yes; I love to see you beaten.

Isa.

Well, methinks now you have had a hard bargain on't: you have lost your Cully, Sir Timorous; and your Friend Burr, and all to get a poor beating: but I'll see it mended against next time for you.

(Exeunt Constance, Isabelle Laughing.

Fail.

I am so much amaz'd, I vow to gad, I do not understand my own condition.

(Exit Failer.

Enter Loveby solus in the dark; his Sword drawn; groping out his way.—

Loveby.

This is the time and place he 'pointed me; and 'tis certainly the Devil I am to meet; for no mortal creature could have that kindness for me, to supply my necessities as he has done, nor could have done it in so strange a manner: he told me he was a Scholar, and had been a Parson in the Fanaticks times; a shrewd suspition it was the Devil; or at least a limb of him. If the Devil can send Churchmen on his Errands, Lord have mercy on the Layety! well. let every man speak as he finds, and give the Devil his due; I think him a very honest and well-natur'd fellow: and if I hear any man speak ill of him, (except it be a Parson that gets his living by it) I wear a Sword at his Service: yet for all this I do not much care to see him. He does not meane to hook me in for my Soul, Does he if he does, I shall desire to be excus'd. But what a Rogue am I, to suspect a person that has dealt so like a Gentleman by me? he comes to bring me Money, and would do it handsomely, that it might not be perceiv'd: let it be as 'twill, I'll seem to trust him, and then if he have any thing of a Gentleman in him, he will scorn to deceive me, as much as I would to cousin him, if I were the Devil, and he Jack Loveby.

Enter Failer at t'other end of the Stage.

Fail.

What will become of me to night! I am just in the condi∣tion of an out-lying-Deere, that's beaten from his walk for offering to 〈◊〉〈◊〉: Enter I dare not for Burr.

Lov.

I hear a voice, but nothing do I see; speak what thou art.

Fail.

There he is, watching for me: I must venture to run by him; and when I am in, I hope my Cousin Trice will defend me: the De∣vil would not lie abroad in such a night.

Lov.

I thought it was the Devil before he nam'd himself.

[Failer goes to run off and falls into Loveby's armes.

Lov.

Honest Sathan! well encounter'd! I am sorry with all my heart it is so dark: 'Faith I should be very glad to see thee at my

Lodging; prithee let's not be such strangers to one another for the time to come; and, What hast thou got under thy Cloak there little Sathan; I warrant thou hast brought me some more Money.

Fail.

Help; help; Thieves, thieves.

[Loveby lets him go.

Lov.

This is Failers voice: How the Devil was I mistaken! I must get off, e'r Company comes in.

(Exit Loveby,

Fail.

Thieves! Thieves!

Enter Trice, Burr, Timorous, undress'd.

All:

Where! where!

Fail.

One was here just now; and it should be Loveby by his voice, but I have no Witness.

Trice.

It cannot be; he wants no Money.

Burr.

Come, Sirrah; I'll take pity on you to night; you shall lie in the Truckle-bed.

Trice,

Pox o' this noise, it has disturb'd me from such a Dreame of Eating!

EXEUNT OMNES.

ACT. III.

Constance, Isabelle.

Const.

'TWas ill luck to have the meeting broke last night, just as Setstone was coming towards him.

Isa.

But in part of recompence you'll have the pleasure of putting him on farther streights, O, these little mischiefs are meat and drink to me.

Const.

He shall tell me from whence he has his Money: I am re∣solv'd now to try him to the utmost.

Isa.

I would devise something for him to do, which he could not possibly perform.

Const.

As I live yonder he comes with the Jewel in his hand he promis'd me; prithee leave me alone with him.

Isa.

Speed the Plough; if I can make no sport I'll hinder none: I'll to my Knight, Sir Timirous; shortly you shall hear newes from Damaetas.

Exit Isabelle.

Enter Loveby.

Lov.

Look you Madam, here's the Jewel; do me the favor to accept it, and suppose a very good Complement deliver'd with it.

Const.

Believe me a very fair Jewel: but, Why will you be at this needless charge? What acknowledgment do you expect? you know I will not Marry you.

Lov.

How the Devil do I know that; I do not conceive my self under correction, so inconsiderable a person.

Const.

You'll alter your partial opinion, when I tell you 'tis not a flash of wit fires me; nor is it a gay out-side can seduce me to Ma∣trimony.

Lov.

I am neither Fool, nor deform'd so much as to be despica∣ble. What do I want?

Const.

A good Estate, that makes every thing handsome; nothing can look well without it.

Lov.

Does this Jewel express poverty?

Const.

I conjure you by your love to me, tell me one truth not minc'd by your invention: How came you by this Jewel.

Lov.

'Tis well I have a Voucher; pray ask your own Jeweller Setstone, if I did not buy it of him.

Const.

How glad you are now, you can tell a truth so near a lie: but, Where had you the Money that purchas'd it? come,—with∣out circumstances and preambles—

Lov.

Umh,—perhaps that may be a secret.

Const.

Say it be one; yet he that lov'd indeed, could not keep it from his Mistriss.

Lov.

Why should you be thus importunate?

Const.

Because I cannot think you love me, if you will not trust that to my knowledge, which you conceal from all the World be∣side.

Lov.

You urge me deeply—

Const.

Come, sweet Servant, you shall tell me; I am resolv'd to take no denial: Why do you sigh?

Lev.

If I be blasted it must out.

Const.

Either tell me, or resolve to take your leave for ever.

Lov.

Then know I have my means; I know not how.

Const.

This is a fine secret.

Lov.

Why then if you will needs know; 'tis from the Devil; I have Money from him, what, and when I please.

Const.

Have you seal'd a Covenant, and given away your Soul for Money?

Lov.

No such thing intended on my part.

Const.

How then?

Lov.

I know not yet what conditions he'll propose: I should have spoke with him last night, but that a cross chance hinder'd it.

Const.

Well, my opinion is, some great Lady that is in love with you, supplies you still; and you tell me an incredible Tale of the Devil, meerly to shadow your infidelity.

Lov.

Devise some meanes to try me.

Const.

I take you at your word; you shall swear freely to bestow

on me, what ever you shall gain this unknown-way; and for a proofe, because you tell me you can have Money, what and when you please; bring me an hundred pounds e'r night: [If I do marry him for a Wit] I'll see what he can do; he shall have none from me.

(aside.

Lov.

You overjoy me, Madam; you shall have it, and 'twere twice as much.

Const.

How's this!

Lov.

The Devil a cross that I have; or know where to get; but I must promise well to save my credit: now Devil, if thou do'st forsake me!

(aside.

Const.

I mistrust you; and therefore if you faile, I'll have your hand to show against you; here's inke and paper

Loveby Writes,

Enter Burr and Timorous.

Bur.

What makes Loveby yonder? he's Writing somewhat.

Tim.

I'll go see.—

(Lookes over him.)

Lov.

Have you no more manners then to overlook a man when he's a Writing?—Oh, Is't you Sir Timorous? you may stand still; now I think on't you can not read Written hand.

Bur.

You are very familiar with Sir Timorous.

Lov.

So I am with his Companions Sir.

Bur.

Then there's hopes you and I may be better acquainted: I am one of his Companions.

Lov.

By what title, as you are an Ass Sir.

Const.

No more Loveby.—

Lov.

I need not Madam; alass this fellow is onely the Sollicitor of a quarrel, till he has brought it to an head; and I will leave the fight∣ing part to the Curteous pledger. Do not I know these fellows? you shall as soon perswade a Mastiff to fasten on a Lyon, as one of these to ingage with a courage above their own: they know well enough who they can beat, and who can beat them.

Enter Failer at a distance.

Fail

Yonder they are; now would I compound for a reasonable summ, that I were Friends with Burr: if I am not, I shall lose Sir Timerous.

Const.

O, Servant, have I spyed you! let me run into your Armes.

Fail.

I renounce my Lady Constance: I vow to gad I renounce her.

Tim.

To your Task, Burr.

Enter Nonsuch and Isabelle.

Const.

Hold, Gentlemen; no sign of quarrel!

Non.

O Friends! I think I shall goe mad with grief: I have lost more Money.

Lov.

Would I had it: that's all the harm I wish my self: your Servant, Madam; I go about the business.—

Exit. Loveby.

Non.

What! Does he take no pity on me?

Const.

Prithee moane him Isabelle.

Isa.

Alass, alass poor Nuncle! could they find in their hearts to rob him!

Non.

Five hundred pounds out of poor six thousand pounds a year! I and mine are undone for ever.

Fail.

Your own House you think is clear, my Lord?

Const.

I dare answer for all there, as much as for my self.

Burr.

Oh that he would but think that Loveby had it!

Fail.

If you'll be friends with me, I'll try what I can perswade him to.

Burr.

Here's my hand, I will dear heart.

Fail.

Your own House being clear, my Lord; I am apt to suspect this Loveby for such a person: Did you mark how abruptly he went out?

Non.

He did indeed, Mr. Failer: but, why should I suspect him? his carriage is fair, and his means great: he could never live after this rate if it were not.

Fail.

This still renders him the more suspicious: he has no land to my knowledge.

Bur.

Well said mischief—

(aside.

Const.

My Father's credulous, and this Rogue has found the blind∣side of him; would Loveby heard him!—

(to Isab.

Fail.

He has no Means, and he looses at Play: so that for my part, I protest to gad, I am resolved, he picks Locks for his Li∣ving.

Bur.

Nay, to my Knowledge, he picks Locks.

Tim.

And to mine.

Fail.

No longer ago than last night he met me in the dark, and of∣fer'd to dive into my Pockets.

Non.

That's a main argument for suspition.

Fail.

I remember once when the Keyes of the Exchequer were lost in the Rump-time, he was sent for upon an extremity, and I gad he opens me all the Locks with the Blade-bone of a Breast of Mut∣ton.

Non.

Who, this Loveby;

Fail.

This very Loveby: Another time, when we had sate up ve∣ry late at Ombre in the Country, and were hungry towards morning, he plucks me out, I vow to gad I tell you no lie, four ten-penny∣Nailes from the Dairy-Lock with his teeth, fetches me out a Mess of Milk; and knocks me u'm in again with his Head, upon Repu∣tation.

Isa.

Thou Boy!

Non.

What shall I do in this case? my comfort is, my Gold's all mark'd.

Const.

Will you suspect a Gentleman of Loveby's worth, upon the bare report of such a Rascal as this Failer?

Non.

Hold thy tongue, I charge thee; upon my blessing hold thy tongue, I'll have him apprehended before he sleeps; come a∣long with me, Mr. Failer.

Fail. Bur.

Look well to Sir Timorous; I'll be with you instant∣ly.

Const.

I'll watch you, by your favor.

(aside.)

Exeunt Nonsuch, Failer, Constance following them

Isa.

A word, Sir Timorous.

Bur.

She shall have a course at the Knight, and come

[Gets behind.

up to him, but when she is just ready to pinch he shall give such a loose from her, shall break her heart.

Isa.

Burr there still, and watching us? there's certainly some Plot in this, but I'll turn it to my own advantage.

(aside.

Tim.

Did you mark Burrs retirement, Madam?

Isa.

I; his guilt it seems makes him shun your company.

Tim.

In what can he be guilty?

Isa.

You must needs know it; he Courts your Mistriss.

Tim.

Is he too, in love with my Lady Constance?

Isa.

No, no; but which is worse, he Courts me.

Tim.

Why, what have I to do with you? you know I care not this for you.

Isa.

Perhaps so; but he thought you did: and good reason he had for it.

Tim.

What reason, Madam?

Isa.

The most convincing in the World: he knew my Cousin Con∣stance never lov'd you: he has heard her say, you were as invincibly ignorant as a Town-fop judging a new Play: as shame fac'd as a great over-grown School-boy: in fine, good for nothing but to be worm'd out of your estate, and Sacrificed to the god of Laugh∣ter.

Tim.

Was your Cousin so barbarous to say this?

Isab.

In his hearing.

Tim.

And would he let me proceed in my suit to her?

Isa.

For that I must excuse him; he never thought you could love one of my Cousin's humor: but took your Court to her, on∣ly as a blind to your affection for me: and being possessed with that opinion, he thought himself as worthy as you to marry me.

Tim.

He is not half so worthy; and so I'll tell him, in a fair way.

Burr to a Boy entring.

Sirrah Boy, deliver this Note to Madam Isabelle; but be not known I am so near.

Boy.

I warrant you, Sir.

Bur.

Now fortune all I desire of thee, is, that Sir Timorous may see it; if he once be brought to believe there is a kindness be∣tween her and me, it will ruine all her Projects.

Isa.

To the Boy. From whom!

Boy.

From Mr. Burr, Madam.

Isabelle reads.

These for Madam Isabelle.

Dear Rogue.

Sir Timerous knows nothing of our kindness, nor shall for me; seem still to have defigns upon him; it will hide thy affection the better to thy Servant Burr.

Isa.

Alas poor Woodcock, dost thou go a birding: thou hast e'n set a Sprindge to catch thy own neck: look you here Sir Timerous; here's something to confirm what I have told you.

Gives him the Letter.

Tim.

D, e, a, re, dear, r, o, g, u, e, ro-gue. Pray Madam read it: this written hand is such a damned pedantique thing I could never a∣way with it.

Isa.

He would fain have robbed you of me: Lord, Lord! to see the malice of a man.

Tim.

She has perswaded me so damnably, that I begin to think she's my Mistress indeed.

Isab.

Your Mistress? why I hope you are not to doubt that at this time of day. I was your Mistress from the first day you ever saw me.

Tim.

Nay, like enough you were so; but I vow to gad now, I was wholly ignorant of my own affection.

Isa.

And this Rogue pretends he has an interest in me meerly to defeat you: look you, look you where he stands in ambush, like a Jesuite behind a Quaker, to see how his design will take.

Tim.

I see the Rogue: now could I find in my heart to marry you in spight to him; what think you on't in a fair way?

Isab.

I have brought him about as I would wish; and now I'll make my own conditions (aside) Sir Timerous, I wish you well; but he I marry must promise me to live at London: I cannot abide to be in the Country, like a wilde beast in the wilderness, with no Chri∣stian Soul about me.

Tim.

Why I'll bear you company.

Isa.

I cannot endure your early hunting matches there; to have my sleep disturbed by break of day, with heigh Jowler Jowler, there Venus, ah Beauty! and then a serenade of deep mouth'd curres, to answer the salutation of the Huntsman, as if hell were broke loose about me: and all this to meet a pack of Gentlemen Salvages to ride all day like mad men, for the immortal fame of being first in at the Hares death: to come upon the spur after a trayl at four in the

afternoon to destruction of cold meat and cheese, with your leud company in boots; fall a drinking till Supper time, be carried to bed, rop'd out of your Seller, and be good for nothing all the night after.

Tim.

Well, Madam, what is it you would be at? you shall find me reasonable to all your propositions.

Isa.

I have but one condition more to add; for I will be as reaso∣nable as you, and that is a very poor request, to have all the money in my disposing.

Tim.

How, all the Money?

Isa.

I, for I am sure I can huswife it better for your honour; not but that I shall be willing to encourage you with pocket money, or so sometimes.

Tim.

This is somewhat hard.

Isa.

Nay, if a woman cannot do that, I shall think you have an ill opinion of my vertue: not trust your own flesh and blood, Sir Ti∣merous.

Tim.

Well, is there any thing more behind?

Isa.

Nothing more only the choice of my own company, my own hours, and my own actions: these trifles granted me, in all things of moment, I am your most obedient Wife and Servant Isabelle.

Tim.

Is't a match then?

Isa.

For once I am content it shall; but 'tis to redeem you from those Kascals Burr. and Failer.—that way Sir Timerous, for fear of Spies; I'll meet you at the Garden dore.—

Exit Isa.

Sola.

I have led all women the way, if they dare but follow me; and now march off, if I can scape but spying, with my Drums beat∣ing, and my Colours flying.

Exit Isa.

Burr.

So their wooing's at an end; thanks to my wit.

Enter Failer.

Fail.

Oh Burr! whither it is Sir Timerous and Madam Isabelle are gone together?

Bur.

Adore my wit, boy; they are parted never to meet again.

Fail.

I saw u'm meet just now at the Garden dore: so ho, ho, ho: who's within there: help here quickly, quickly.

Enter Nonsuch and two Servants.

Nons.

What's the matter?

Fail.

Your Niece Isabelle has stollen away Sir Timerous.

Nons.

Which way took they?

Fail.

Follow me, I'll shew you.

Nons.

Break your necks after him, you idle Varlets.

Exeunt Omnes.

Enter Loveby: Loveby's Collar unbuttoned, Band carelesly on, Hat on the Table, as new rising from sleep.

Lov.

Boy! how long have I slept boy?

Enter Boy.

Boy.

Two hours and a half Sir.

Lov.

What's a clock Sirrah?

Boy.

Near four Sir.

Lov.

Why there's it: I have promised my Lady Constance an hundred pounds e'r night; I had four hours to perform it in when I engaged to do it; and I have slept out more than two of them: all my hope to get this money lies within the compass of that hat there.—before I lay down I made bold a little to prick my finger, and write a note in the blood of it, to this same friend of mine in to'ther world, that uses to supply me, the Devil has now had above two hours to perform it in; all which time I have slept to give him the better opportunity: time enough for a Gentleman of his agility to fetch it from the East-Indies, out of one of his Temples where they worship him; or if he were lazy, and not minded to go so far; 'twere but stepping over sea, and borrowing so much money, out of his own Banck at Amsterdam! hang't, what's an hundred pounds between him and me.—Now does my heart go pit a pat, for fear I should not find the money there: I would fain lift it up to see, and yet I am so fraid of missing: yet a plague, why should I fear h'll fail me; the name of friend's a sacred thing; sure he'll consider that:—me∣thinks this Hat looks as if it should have something under it: if one could see the yellow boyes peeping underneath the brims now: ha! (looks under round about) in my conscience I think I do: stand out

oth'way sirrah, and be ready to gather up the pieces that will flush out of the hat as I take it up.

Boy.

What is my Master mad trow.

Loveby

Snatches up the hat, looks in it hastily, and sees nothing but the paper.

Now the Devil take the Devil: ah plague! was ever man serv'd so as I am: (throws his hat upon the ground) to break the bonds of Amity for 100 pieces: well, it shall be more out of thy way than thou imagin'st, Devil: I'll turn Parson, and be at open defiance with thee; I'll lay the wickedness of all people upon thee though thou art never so innocent; I'll convert thy Bawdsand Whores; I'll Hector thy Gamesters, that they shall not dare to swear, curse or bubble; nay, I'll set thee out so, that thy very Usurers and Aldermen shall fear to have to do with thee.

[a noise within of Isabelle and Frances.

Enter Frances, thrusting back Isabelle and Timerous.

Fran.

How now what's the matter?

Isa.

Nay, sweet Mistress, be not so hard-hearted; all I desire of you is but harbour for a minute: you cannot in humanity deny that small succour to a Gentlewoman.

Fran.

A Gentlewoman! I thought so, my house affords no har∣bour for Gentlewomen: you are a company of proud Hallottries; I'll teach you to take place of Tradesmens Wives with a wannion to you.

Lov.

How's this Madam Isabelle.

Isa.

Mr. Loveby! how happy am Ito meet with you in my di∣stress!

Lov.

What's the matter Madam?

Isa

Ill tell you, if this Gentlewoman will give me leave.

Franc.

No Gentlewoman, I will not give you leave; they are such as we maintain your pride, as they say. Our Husbands trust you, and you must go before their Wives, I am sure my Goodman never goes to any of your Lodgings but he comes home the worse for it, as they say.

Isabelle Loveby whispers.

Lov.

Is that all! prithee good Landlady, for my sake entertain my friends.

Franc.

If the Gentlemans Worship had come alone, it may be I might have entertained him; but for your Minion!

Enter Nonsuch, Failer, Burr, and Officers: cry within, here, here.

Fail.

My Lord, arrest Sir Timerous upon a promise of marriage to you Daughter, and we'l witness it.

Timor.

Why, what a strange thing of you's this Madam Isabelle, to bring a man into trouble thus!

Fail.

You are not yet married to her;

Tim.

Not that I remember.

Isabelle.

Well Failer, I shall find a time to reward your diligence.

Lov.

If the Knight would have own'd his action, I should have taught some of you more manners, then to come with Officers into my Lodging.

Franc.

I'm glad with all my heart this Minx is prevented of her de-sign: the Gentleman had got a great catch of her as they say. His old Father in the Country would have given him but little thank for't, to see him bring down a fine bred Woman, with a Lute, and a Dressing-box, and a handful of money to her portion.

Isa.

Good Mistress Whatdeelack! I know your quarrel to the Ladies, do they take up the Gallants from the Tradesmens wives? Lord, what a grievous thing it is for a she-Citizen to be forced to have Children by her own Husband!

Fran.

Come, come, you'r a slanderful huswife, and I squorn your hallottry trick that I do, so I do.

Isa.

Steeple-hat your Husband never gets a good look when he comes home, except he brings a Gentleman to Dinner; who if he casts an amorous eye towards you; then, trust him good Husband, sweet Husband trust him for my sake: verily the Gentleman's an honest man, I read it in his countenance: and if you should not be at home to receive the Money, I know he will pay the debt to me. Is't not so Mistress?

Enter Bibber in Slippers, with a skein of Silk a bout his neck.

Franc.

Will you see me wronged thus, under my own roof, as they say, William?

Isa.

Nay, 'tis very true Mistress: you let the men with old com∣plements take up new cloaths: I do not mean your Wives cloaths Mr. Merchant- Tailor.

Bib.

Good ifaith! a notable smart Gentlewoman!

Isa.

Look to your Wife, Sir, or in time she may undo your Trade: for she'll get all your men-Customers to her self.

Bibb.

And I should be hang'd, I can forbear no longer.

He plucks out his Measure, and runs to Isabelle. to take measure of her.

Isa.

How now! what means Prince Pericles by this?

Bibber on his knees.

I must beg your Ladiship e'n to have the honour to trust you but for your Gown, for the sake of that last jeast. Flowr'd Satten, wrought Tabby, Silver upon any grounds: I shall run mad if I may not trust your Ladiship.

Franc.

I think you are mad already, as they say, William: you shall not trust her.—plucks him back.

Bib.

Let me alone Frances; I am a Lyon when I am anger'd.

Isa.

Pray do not pull your Lyon by the tail so Mistress.—In these Cloaths that he now takes measure of me for, will I marry Sir Ti∣merous, mark that, and tremble Failer.

Fail.

Never threaten me Madam, you'r a person a despise.

Isa.

I vow to gad I'll be even with you Sir.

Exit Isabelle.

Nonsuch to the Bailiffs.

—And when you have arrested him, be sure you search him for my gold.

Bailiffs to Loveby.

We arrest you Sir at my Lord Nonsuch his Suit.

Lov.

Me you Rascals!

Nons.

Search him for my gold; you know the marks on't.

Lov.

If they can find any mark'd or unmark'd gold about me; they'll find more than I can. You expect I should resist now; no, no, I'll hamper you for this.—

Bail.

There's nothing to be found about him.

Fail.

'Tis no matter, to prison with him; there all his debts will come upon him.

Lov.

What hurried to durance like a Stinkard!

Bib.

Now as I live a pleasant Gentleman; I could find in my heart to bail him; but I'll overcome my self, and steal away.

(is going.

Bail.

Come, Sir, we must provide you of another Lodging; but I believe you'l scarce like it.

Lov.

If I do not, I ask no favor; pray turne me out of dores.

Bib.

Turn him out of door! What a jeast was there? Now and I should be hang'd I cannot forbear Bayling him: stay Officers; I Bayle him Body and Soul for that Jeast.

Fail.

Let us be gone in time, Burr.

[Exeunt Burr, Failer, Timorous.

Franc.

You shall not Bayle him.

Bib.

I know I am a Rogue to do it; but his Wit has prevailed upon me, and a man must not go against his Conscience. There Officers—

Lov. to Non.

Old Man, if it were not for thy Daughter.—

Non.

Well, well; take your course, Sir.

[Exit Nonsuch and Bailiffs.

Lov.

Come Will. I ll thank thee at the Tavern. Frances, re∣member this the next time you come up to make my Bed.

Franc.

Do your worst, I fear you not, Sir. This is twice to day, William; to trust a Gentlewoman, and Bayle a Ragamuffin: I am sure he call'd you Cuckold but yesterday, and said he would make you one.

Lov.

Look you Frances, I am a man of Honour, and if I said it, I'll not break my word with you.

Bib.

There he was with you again, Frances: an excellent good jeast Ifaith la.

Fran.

I'll not endure it, that I won't, so I won't: I'll go to the Ju∣stices Worship and fetch a Warrant for him.

Lov.

But Landlady, the word Cuckold will bear no Action in the Law, except you could prove your Husband prejudiced by it. Have any of his Customers forsook him for't? or, any Mercer refused to trust him the less, for my calling him so.

Franc.

Nay, I know not for the Mercers; perhaps the Citizens may take it for no slander among one another, as they say; but for the Gentlemen—

Lov.

Will, Have they forsaken thee upon it?

Bib.

No, I assure you, Sir.

Lov.

No, I warrant u'm: a Cuckold has the signification of an

honest well-meaning Citizen; one that is not given to jealousies or suspitions; a just person to his Wife, &c. one that to speak the worst of him, does but to her, what he would be content should be done to her by other men.

Franc.

But that another man should be the Father of his Children, as they say; I don't think that a civil thing Husband.

Lov.

Not civil, Landlady! Why all things are civil that are made so by Custome.

Bib.

Why may not he get as fine Children as I, or any man?

Fran.

But if those Children, that are none of yours, should call you Father, William!

Bib.

If they call me Father, and are none of mine; I am the more beholding to u'm.

Fran.

Nay, if that be your humour, husband, I am glad I know it, that I may please you the better another time, as they say.

(Exit Frances.

Bib.

Nay, but Frances, Frances; 'tis such another woman.

Exit Bibber.

Lov.

'Tis such another Man:—My Coate and Sword Boy, I must go to Justice Trices; bring the Women, and come after me.

(Exit Loveby.

ACT. IV.

Table set with Cards upon it.

Trice walking: Enter Servant.

Serv.

SIr, some Company is without upon Justice-business.

Trice.

Sawcy Rascal, to disturb my Meditations.

Fxit Servant.

—I, it shall be he: Jack Loveby, what think'st thou of a Game of Picquet, we two, hand' to fist! you and I will play one single Game for ten pieces: 'tis deep stake Jack, but, 'tis all one between us two: you shall Deale Jack: who I, Mr. Justice, that's a good one, you must give me use for your hand then; that's six i'th hundred? Come, lift, lift; mines a ten; Mr. Justice:—mines a King, oh ho, Jack, you Deale. I have the advantage of this Ifaith, if I can keep it.

He Deales 12 a piece; 2 by 2. And lookes on his own Cards.

I take seven, and look on this—Now for you Jack Loveby.

Enter Loveby behind.

Lov.

How's this? am I the man he fights with?

Trice.

I'll do you right Jack; as I am an honest Man you must discard this, ther's no other way: if you were my own Brother I could do no better for you.—Zounds, the Rogue has a Quint-Major, and three Aces younger hand.—

Looks on t'other Cards.

Stay; what am I for the Point? but bare Forty, and he Fifty one: Fifteen and Five for the Point, 20, and 3 by Aces, 23. well, I am to play first: 1.23. 2. 23. 3. 23. 4. 23.—Pox on't, now I must play into his hand: 5—now you take it Jack, 5. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. and the Cards Forty.

Lov.

Hitherto it goes well on my side.—

Trice.

Now I Deale: How many do you take Jack? All? then I am gone: What a rise is here! 14 by Aces, and a Sixieme Major: I am gone, without looking into my Cards.—I, I thought so: If ever Man Play'd with such curs'd Fortune, I'll be hang'd, and all for want of this damned Ace—there's your ten pieces, with a Pox to you, for a Rooking beggarly Rascal as you are.

Takes up an Ace and bites it.

Loveby Enters.

Lov.

What occasion have I given you for these words, Sir? Rook and Rascal! I am no more Rascal then your self, Sir.

Trice.

How's this, how's this!

Lov.

And though for this time I put it up, because I am a winner.

(Snatches the Gold.

Trice.

What a Devil do'ft thou put up? not my Gold I hope Jack?

Lov.

By your favor but I do; and 'twas won fairly; a Sixieme, and Fourteen by Aces by your own confession.—What a Pox we don't make Childrens Play I hope?

Trice.

Well, remember this, Jack; from this hour I forswear playing with you when I am alone; What, Will you bate me nothing on't?

Lov.

Not a farthing, Justice: I'll be Judged by you, if I had lost you would have taken every piece on't: what I win, I win.—and there's an end.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Sir, these People stay without, and will not be answer'd.

Trice.

Well, What's their business?

Serv.

Nay, no great matter: onely a Fellow for getting a Wench with Childe.

Trice.

No great matter saist thou; 'Faith but it is: is he a poor fel∣low, or a Gentleman?

Serv.

A very poor fellow, Sir.

Trice,

Hang him, Rogue, make his Mittimus immediately; must such as he presume to get Children?

Lov.

Well consider'd: a poor lousie Rascal, to intrench upon the Game of Gentlemen! he might have passed his time at Nine-pins, or Shovel-board, that had been fit sport for such as he; Justice, have no Mercy on him.

Trice.

No, by the Sword of Justice will I not.

Lov.

Swear'st thou, ungracious Boy? that's too much on t'other hand for a Gentleman. I Swear not, I drink not, I curse not, I Cheat not; they are unnecessary Vices: I save so much out of those Sins, and take it out in that one necessary Vice of Wenching.

Enter Loveby's Boy.

Boy.

Sir the Parties are without according to your order.

Lov.

'Tis well; bring u'm in Boy.

Enter Lady Du Lake, and two or three Whores.

Justice I recommend this antient Gentlewoman, with these vertuous Ladies, to thy Patronage; for her part, she is a person of exemplary life and behaviour, of singular conduct to break through, and patience to bear the assaults of Fortune: a general Benefactress of Man∣kind, and in fine, a promoter of that great Work of Nature, Love.

Trice.

Or, as the Vulgar Translation hath it, a very sufficient, and singular good-Bawd: Is't not so Boy?

Lov.

I, Boy: Now for such a petty-fogging Fellow as thy Clerk to persecute this Lady; prithee think on't: 'tis a grievance of the Free-born-Subject.

L. Dulake.

To see the ingratitude of this Generation! I that have spent my youth, set at nought my Fortune, and what is more dear to me, my honour, in the service of Gentlemen; should now in my old age be left to want and beggary, as if I were the vilest, and most unworthy creature upon Gods Earth.

(crying.)

Lov.

Nay, good Mother, do not take it so bitterly.

L. Dulake.

I confess the unkindness of it troubles me.

Lov.

Thou shalt not want so long as I live: look, here's five

pieces of Cordial Gold to comfort thy heart with, I won it e'n now of Mr. Justice; and I dare say he thinks it well bestow'd.

Trice.

My Money's gone to very pious uses.

L. Dulake,

(Laying her hand on Lovebyes head.)

Son Loveby,

I knew thy Father well; and thy Grandfather before him; Fathers they were both to me; and I could weep for joy to see how thou tak'st after them. (Weeping again) I wish it lay in my power too, to gratifie this worthy Justice in my Vocation.

Trice.

'Faith I doubt I am past that noble Sin.

Lov.

Prithee good Magistrate drink to her, and wipe sorrow from her eyes.

Trice.

Right Reverend, my Service to you in Canary.

(She Drinks after him) and stayes at half-Glass.

L. Dulake.

'Tis a great way to the bottom; but Heaven is alsuf∣ficient to give me strength for it:—

(Drinks it up.)

Why Gods blessing on your heart, Son Trice. I hope 'tis no offence to call you Son: Hem, hem! Son Loveby, I think my Son Trice and I are much of the same yeares: let me see Son if Nature be utterly extinct in you: are you ticklish, Son Trice?

(tickles him.)

Trice.

Are you Ticklish Mother Dulake.

(Tickles her sides.)

She falls off her Chair; he falls off his to her; they rowle one over the other.

Lov.

I would have all London now show me such another sight of kindness in Old Age:

(they help each other up.)

Come, a Dance, a dance; call for your Clerk, Justice, he shall make one in sign of Amity:

(Strike up Fidlers.)

(They Dance around Dance, and Sing the Tune.)

Enter Isabelle and Constance.

Isa.

Are you at that Sport, I'faith? have among you blind Har∣pers:

She fals into the Dance. At the Dances ending Loveby sees Constance.

Trice.

Is she come! a Pox of all honest Women at such a time!

Lov.

If she knows who these are, by this Light I am undone.

Const.

Oh Servant, I come to minde you of your promise; come, produce my hundred pounds; the times out I set you.

Lov.

Not till dark night upon my Reputation: I have not yet fpoke with the Gentleman in the black Pantalloons; you know he seldome walkes abroad by day-light: Dear Madam, let me wait on you to your Coach, and if I bring it not within this hour, discard me utterly.

Const.

You must give me leave to salute the Company: What are they?

Lov.

Persons of Quality of my acquaintance; but, I'll make your excuse to n'm.

Const.

Nay, if they are Persons of Quality, I shall be rude to part from u'm so abruptly.

Lov.

Why so! the Devil ow'd me a shame; and now he has paid me. I must present u'm what e'r come on't. (aside.—This Madam is my Lady Du Lake—the Lady Spring well,—The Lady Hoyden

(She and Isabelle Salute u'm.)

Isa.

What a Whiff was there came from my Lady Heyden! and, What a Garlick breath my Lady Spring-well had?

Trice.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Lov.

Do not betray me, Justice, if you do.—

Isa.

Oh, Are you thereabouts, Sir; then I smell a Rat Ifaith; but I'll say nothing.

Const.

Ladies, I am an humble Servant to you all, and account it my happiness to have met with so good Company, at my Cousin Trices.

Trice.

Ha, ha, ha.

L. Du Lake.

Are these two Ladies of your acquaintance Son Loveby?

Lov.

Son quoth a! a Pox of our Relation.—

(aside.

L. Du Lake.

I shall be glad to be better known to your La∣diships.

Const.

You too much honour Servants, Madam.

Isa.

How Loveby fidges up and down: in what pain he is! well, if these be not they they call Whores, I'll be hanged, though I never saw one before:—

(aside.

Lov.

Will your Ladiship please to go, Madam?

Const.

I must beg the favor of these Ladies first, that I may know their Lodgings, and waite of u'm.

L. Du Lake.

It will be our Duty to pay our respects first to your Ladiship

Con.

I beg your Ladiships pardon Madam—

L. Du L.

Your Ladiship shall excuse us, Madam—

Isa. Trice.

Ha, ha, ha!

Lov.

Ah Devil grinyou—

aside.

Trice.

I must go out, and laugh my belly full.

[Exit Trice.

Con.

But in earnest Madam, I must have no denyal; I beseech your Ladiship instruct me where I may tender my devoyres?

La. D.

Since your Ladiship commands me, Madam, I dare diso∣bey no longer. My Lodgings are in St. Lucknors Lane, at the Cat and Fiddle.

Con.

Whereabouts is that Lane, Servant?

Lov.

Faith Madam, I know not that part oth' Town.—Lord, how I sweat for fear—

aside.

Con.

And yours Madam, where, I beseech your Ladiship.

2d.

Wh. In Dog and Bitch Yard, and't please your Ladiship.

3d.

Wh. And mine in Sodom, so like your Ladiship.

Con.

How Loveby! I did not think you would have us'd me thus?

Lov.

I beseech your Ladiship but hear my Justification as I lead you.

Con.

By no means, Sir; that were such a rudeness to leave persons of quality, to wait upon me: unhand me Sir.

Isa.

Ha, ha, ha.—

Exeunt Constance, Isabelle.

Lov.

I am ruin'd! for ever ruin'd, plague had you no places in the Town to name but Sodom, and Lucknors. Lane for Lodgings!

L. Du L.

If any prejudice arise from it, upon my honour Son 'twas by mistake, and not intended you: I thought she desir'd to have been admitted of the quality.

Lov.

I was curst when I had first to do with you—kicks u'm

L. D. L.

Well, I thank Heaven, that has indued me with such pa∣tience.

Exeunt all but Loveby and his Boy.

Lov.

I have made a fair hand on't to day—both lost my Mistress, and hear no news from my friend below: the World frowns upon me, and the Devil and my Mistress have forsaken me: my God∣fathers

and Godmothers have promised well for me: instead of re∣nouncing them, they have renounc'd me.

Boy.

Sir, I saw my Lady Constance smile as she went out: I am confident she's angry but from the teeth outwards; you might easily make fair weather with her, if you could get the money you pro∣mis'd her, but there's the devil—

Lov.

Where is he boy? shew me him quickly.

Boy.

Marry God bless us! I mean Sir, there's the difficulty.

Lov.

Damnd rogue to put me in hope so.—

Enter Bibber at the other end.

Lov.

Uds so, look where Bibber is: now I think ont, he offerd me a bag of forty pounds, and the Lease of his house yesterday: but that's his pocky humour, when I have money and do not ask him, he will offer it; but when I ask him he will not lend a farthing—turn this way Sirrah, and make as though we did not see him.—

Bib.

Our Gentleman I think a talking with his boy there.—

Lov.

You understand me—

Boy.

I warrant you Sir.

Lov.

No News yet; what an unlucky rascal 'tis! if the rogue should hereafter be reduced to the raiment of his own Shreds, I should not pity him—

Bib.

How's this!

Lov.

Now is this rascal hunting after jeasts, to make himself the greatest to all that know him.

Bib.

This must be me.

Boy.

I can hear neither tale nor tydings of him: I have searched him in all his haunts; amongst his Creditors; and in all Companies where they are like to break the least jeast. I have visited the Coffee∣houses for him; but among all the news there, I heard none of him.

(Bib. Goodifaith.

Lov.

Where's the warrant, I'll put in my own name, since I can∣not find him.

Boy.

Sir, I gave it a Scrivener at next dore because I could not write, to fill up the blank place with Mr. Bibbers name.

Lov.

What an unlucky vermin 'tis; now for an 100 l. could I have gratified him with a waiters Place at Custom-house, that had been worth to him an 100 l. a year upon the nail.

Bib.

Could you so, could you so Sir? give me your hand, and I thank you heartily Mr. Loveby.

Lov.

Art then honest Will? faith 'tis not worth thy thanks till it be done: I wish I had the money for thee.

Bib.

How much is't Sir?

Lov.

An hundred pounds would do it:

Bib.

Let me see forty I have already by me; take that in part Sir;—and that, and the Lease of my house would over-do it.

Lov.

By all means thy Lease Will: near scruple at that; hang a piece of Parchment, and two bits of soft wax: thou shalt do't, thou shalt boy.

Bib.

Why then I will, Sir:—but stay, stay; now think on't, Frances has an 120 pieces of old Grandam and Aunt gold left her, that she would never let me touch: if we would get that Mr. Loveby—but she'll never part with't.

Lov.

'Tis but saying the place is for her; a Waiting-woman's place in the Custom-house: Boy, go and tell her ont immediately.

Exit Boy.

Bib.

Hold a little; she has been very defirous to get a place in Court, that she might take place as the Queens Servant.

Lov.

She shall have a Dressers place, if thou'lt keep counsel. The worst on't is, I have never a Warrant ready.

Bib.

'Tis all one for that Sir; she can neither write norread; 'tis but my telling her 'tis a Warrant and all's well. I can but laugh to think how she'll be chous'd.

Lov.

And you too: Mum. She's here Will.

Enter Frances.

Franc.

A Waiting-womans place in the Custom-house! there's news for me! thank you kind Mr. Loveby; you have been in∣strumental I hear of my preferment.

Lov.

No, 'tis a Dressers place at Court, Landlady.

Franc.

O gemini! that's better news.

Bib.

I, but you must make hast and fetch an hundred pieces: I can assure you 500 are bidden for it: and the Courtiers are such slip∣pery youths, they are ever for the fairest Chapman.

Franc.

I'll fetch it presently; oh how my heart quops now, as they say: I'll fetch it presently: fweet Mr. Loveby, if the business

can be done, it shall be a good thing in your Worships way I promise you: O the father! that it could be done: O sweet father!

Loveby plucks out a Paper.

Lov.

Here Mr. Bibber, pray put in Madam Bibbers name into the Warrant.

Bib.

Madam Bibber, there's joy, I must call you Wife no more, 'tis Madam Bibber now.

Franc.

Pray read it Mr. Bibber.

Bib.

An Order for the admission of the Illustrious Lady Madam Bibber into her Majesties service.

Franc.

Pray give me the Paper, I'll have no body touch it but my self; I am sure my Money pays for it as they say. These are the fi-nest words; Madam Bibber; pray Chicken shew me where Madam is written that I may kiss it all over. I shall make bold now to bear up to these flirting Gentlewomen, that sweep it up and down with their long tails. I thought my self as good as they when I was, as I was, but now I am, as I am.

Lov.

Good Landlady dispatch, and bring the Money.—

Franc.

Truely in the place of a Dresser, I dare be bold to say, as they say; I shall give their Majesties Worships good content: I'll go fetch it.—

(Exit Frances.

Bib.

We must keep the poor Soul in ignorance as long as we can, Sir; for, when she has one smoak'd it, I have no other way but to retreat into the body of my Janizaries my Journey-men; and ne∣ver come out into her presence more: Where will you be at nine a Clock, Sir, that we may rejoyce over our good Fortune.

Lov.

Call me at my Lord Nonsuch his House, and I'll go with you.

Bib.

We'll have the Fiddles and triumph Ifaith.

(Exit Bib.

Lov.

Lord, how eager this Vermin was to cheat himself: well, I'll after, I long to finger these Jacobus s: perhaps they may make my peace again with my Mistress.

(Exit Loveby.

Enter Failer, Nonsuch. Constance and Isabelle listning.

Fail.

I Vow to Gad my Lord, Sir Timerous is the most dejected person in the World, and so full of regret for what is past. 'Twas

his misfortune to be drawn in by such a Person as Madam Isa∣belle.

Non.

'Tis well his Estate pleads for him; he should ne'r set foot more within my doores else.

Fail.

All be security for him for time to come: leave it to me to get the Licence: all I desire is, your Daughter may be ready to mor∣row morning.

Non.

Well, let me alone with her.

[Exeunt Failer, Nonsuch.

Isa.

You heard the dreadful sound to morrow Cousin.

Const.

I would not throw my self away upon this Foole, if I could help it.

Isa.

Better marry a Tertian Ague then a Foole, that's certain; there's one good day and night in that.

Const.

And yet thou art mad of him thy self.

Isa.

Nay, the Foole is a handsome Foole, that's somewhat; but 'tis not that; 'tis a kind of fancy I have taken to a Glass Coach, and six Flanders Mares; rich Liveries, and a good Fortune.

Const.

Prithee do not mind me of u'm; for though I want u'm not, yet I find all Women are caught with Gayeties: one grain more would turne the ballance on his side; I am so vexed at the wilde courses of this Loveby.

Isa.

Vex'd? Why vex'd? the worst you can say of him, is, he loves Women: and such make the kindest Husbands I am told. If you had a Summ of Money to put out; you would not look so much whether the Man were an honest Man, (for the Law would make him that) as if he were a good sufficient Pay-master.

Enter Setstone.

Const.

As I live thou art a mad Girle.

Set.

She must be us'd as Mad-folkes are then; had into the dark and cur'd,

Const.

But, all this is no comfort to the word Tomorrow.

Isa.

Well, what say you, if I put you to night into the Armes of Loveby?

Const.

My condition's desperate, and past thy Physick.

Isa.

When Physicks past, what remains but to send for the Divine? here's little Nicodemus your Fathers Chaplain; I have spoke

with him already; for a brace of Angels he shall make all sure be∣twixt you without a License. I, and prove ten at night a more Ca∣nonical hour than ten ith' Morning.

Const.

I see not which way thou canst perform it; but if thou do'st; I have many Admirations in store for thee.

(Whispers.

Isa.

Step in, and get a Cushion underneath your apron.

Const.

O, I must be with Childe it seems!

Isa.

And Loveby shall bring you to Bed to night, if the Devil be not in the Dice: away, make hast;—

(Exit Constance.

Setstone Be not you far off; I shall have need of you too: I hear my Uncle coming;—

Me thinks I long to be revenged of this wicked Elder for hind ering of my Marriage to day: Hark you Setstone.—

Set.

'Tis impossible, Madam: 'twill never take.

Isa.

I warrant you, Do not I know him? he has not Braines enough, if they were buttre'd to feed a black-bird—Nay, no re∣plyes—out of what I have said, you may instruct my Cousin too.

(Exit Setstone.

Enter Nonsuch.

Isa.

Oh, Are you there, Sir? Faith it was kindly done of you to hinder me of a good Husband this afternoon: and but for one thing, I would resolve to leave your house.

Non.

I'm glad there's any thing will stay thee.

Isa.

If I stay; 'tis for love of my Cousin Constance, not of you: I should be loath to leave her in this sad condition!

Non.

What condition?

Isa.

Nay, I know not; she has not worn her Busk this fortnight. I think she's grown fat o'th' sudden.

Non.

O Devil, Devil! what a fright am I in?

Isa.

She has qualmes to every morning: ravins mightily for green∣fruit; and swoones at the sight of hot meat.

Non.

She's with Child: I am undone! I am undone!

Isa.

I understand nothing of such matters: She's but in the next roome; best call her, and examine her about it.

Non.

Why Constance, Constance?

Enter Constance, as with Child.

Isa.

Now for a broad-side; turn your prow to him Cousin.

(to her.

Non.

Now Gentlewoman! is this possible?

Const.

I do not reach your meaning, Sir.

Non.

where have you been of late?

Const.

I seldome stir without you, Sir: these Walls most com∣monly confine me.

Non.

These Walls can get no Children; nor these Hangings; though there be Men wrought in u'm.

Isa.

Yet, by your favour Nuncle, Children may be wrought be∣hind the Hangings.

Non.

O Constance, Constance! How have my gray hairs deserv'd this of thee? Who got that Belly there?

Con.

You, I hope, Sir.

Non.

Tell me the truth; for I will know it; come, the Story.

Const.

The Story's quickly told, Sir, I'm with Child.

Non.

And whose the Father?

Const.

I do not know, Sir.

Non.

Not know! went there so many to't?

Const.

So far from that, that there were none at all, to my best knowledge, Sir.

Non.

Wast got by Miracle? who was the Father?

Const.

Who got your Money, Sir, that you have lost?

Non.

Nay, Heaven knows who got that.

Const.

And, Heaven knows who got this: for, on my Consci∣ence, he that had your Money, was the Father on't.

Non.

The Devil it was as soon.

Const.

That's all I fear, Sir.

Isa.

'Tis strange: and yet 'twere hard, Sir, to suspect my Cou∣sin's Vertue, since we know the house is haunted.

Non.

'Tis true, that nothing can be laid, though under lock and key, but it miscarries.

Isa.

'Tis not to be believed what these villanous Spirits can do: they go invisible.

Const.

First they stole away my Prayer-Book; and a little after that a small Treatise I had against Temptation; and when they were gone, you know Sir—

Isa.

If there be such doings, pray Heaven we are not all with Childe: 'tis certain that none that live within these Walls, but they have power of; I have fear'd Toby the Coachman any time this fort∣night.

Non.

Out impudence! a man with Childe! why 'tis unnatu∣ral.

Isa.

I, so is he that got it.

Non.

Thou art not in earnest.

Isa.

I would I were not; hark, I hear him groan hither: come in poor Toby.

Enter Toby Coachman, with an Urinal.

Non.

How now! what have you there, Sirrah?

Tob.

And't please your worship 'tis my Water; I had a spice oth' new Disease here ith' house, and so carried it to Master Doctor.

Non.

Well; and what did he say to you?

Tob.

He told me very sad newes, and please you: I am somewhat bashful to speak on't.

Isa.

Out with it Man.

Tob.

why truly he told me the party that ow'd the Water was with Child.

Isa.

I told you so; Uncle.

Non.

To my best remembrance I never heard of such a thing be∣fore.

Teb.

I never stretch out my self to snap my Whip, but it goes to th' heart of me.

Isa.

Alass poor Toby.

Non.

Be gone, and put off your Livery Sirrah: you shall not stay a minute in my Service.

Tob.

I beseech your good Worship be good to me; 'twas the first fault I ever committed in this kind: I have three poor Children by my Wife, and if you leave me to the wide World, with a new charge upon my self.

Non.

Be gone, I will not hear a word.

Tob.

If I must go, I'll not go alone: Ambrose Tinis the Cook is as bad as I am.

Non.

I think you'l make me mad: Call the Rascal hither I must account with him upon another score now I think on't.

Enter Ambrose Tinis.

Non.

Sirrah, what made you send a Pheasant with one wing to the Table yesterday?

Amb.

I beseech your Worship to pardon me, I long'd for't.

Isab.

I fear'd as much.

Amb.

And I beseech your Worship let me have a boy to help me in the Kitchin; for I find my self unable to go through with the work: besides the Doctor has warn'd me of stooping to the fire, for fear of a mischance.

Non.

Why, are you with child Sirrah!

Amb.

So he tels me: but if I were put to my oath, I know not that ever I deserv'd for't:

Non.

Still worse and worse: and here comes Setstone groaning.

Enter Setstone.

Setst.

O Sir I have been so troubled with swooning fits; and have so long'd for cherries.

Non.

He's poopt to.

Isa.

Well, this is not the worst yet: I suspect something more; than I will speak on.

Non.

What dost thou suspect; ha!

Isa.

Is not your Lordship with child too?

Non.

Who, I with Child! Marry Heaven forbid: what dost thou see by me to ground it on?

Isa.

You'r very round of late; that's all Sir.

Non.

Round, that's only fat I hope: I have had a very good stomach of late I'm sure.

Isab.

Alass, and well you may: you eat for two Sir.

Non.

Setstone look upon me, and tell me true: do you observe a∣ny alteration In me?

Set.

I would not dishearten your Ladiship:—your Lordship I

would say: but I have observ'd of late, your colour goes and comes extremely: methinks your Lordship looks very sharp, and bleak ith' face, and mighty puff ith' body.

Non.

O the Devil! wretched men that we are all: nothing grieves me, but that in my old age, when others are past child-bearing, I should come to be a disgrace to my family.

Con.

How do you Sir? your eyes look wondrous dim: is not there a mist before u'm?

Isa.

Do you not feel a kicking in your belly? when do you look Nuncle?

Non.

Uh, uh! me-thinks I am very sick o'th sudden?

Isa.

What store of old shirts have you against the good time? shall I give you a shift Nuncle?

Non.

Here's like to be a fine charge towards: we shall all be brought to bed together: well, if I be with Devil I will have such Gossips: an Usurer and a Scrivener shall be Godfathers.

Isa.

I'll help you Nuncle, and Saundyes two Grannies shall be Godmothers: the Child shall be Christened by the Directory, and the Gossips Gift shall be the gude Scotch Kivenant.

Const. Set. Non. Toby. Ambr. Uh, uh, uh!

Isa.

What rare musicks here!

Non.

When e'r it comes from me 'twill kill me, that's certain:

Set.

Best take a vomit.

Isa.

And't comes upward the horns will choack him.

Non.

Mass and so they will.

Isa.

Your only way is to make sure oth' Man-midwife.

Non.

But my Childs dishonour troubles me the most: if I could but see her well married, before I underwent the labour and peril of Child-bearing! what would you advice Niece!

Isa.

That which I am very loath to do: send for honest Jack Loveby, and let him know the truth ont: he's a fellow without a fortune, and will be glad to leap at the occasion.

Non.

But why Loveby of all the world? 'tis but staying till to morrow, and then Sir Timerous will marry her.

Con.

Uh! I swell so fast, I cannot hide it till to morrow.

Isa.

Why there's it now!

Non.

I'll send for the old Alderman Getwell immediately: he'll fa∣ther the Devils Bastard I warrant you.

Isa.

Fie Nuncle! my Cousins somewhat too good yet for an Al∣derman; if it were her third child she might hearken to you.

Non.

Well, since it must be so, Setstone go you to Loveby, make my excuse to him for the arrest, and let him know what fortune may attend him.

Isa.

Mr. Setstone, pray acquaint him with my Cousins affection to him; and prepare him to father the Cushion underneath her Pe∣ticoat.

[aside to Set.

Set.

I'll bring him immediately.

Exit Setstone.

Isa.

When he comes Nuncle, pray cover your great belly with your hat, that he may not see it.

Non.

It goes against my heart to marry her to this Loveby; but what must be, must be.

Enter Loveby.

Con.

O, Mr. Loveby! the welcom'st man alive: you met Setstone I hope, that you came so opportunely.

Lov.

No faith Madam, I came of my own accord.

Isa.

'Tis unlucky he's not prepar'd.

Lov.

Look you Madam, I have brought the 100 l. the Devil was as punctual as three a clock at a Play-house: here, 'tis right I warrant it without telling: I took it upon his word—gives it.

Con.

Your kindness shall be requited Servant: but I sent for you upon another business: Pray Cousin tell't him, for I am ashamed to do't.

Lov.

Ha! 'tis not that great belly I hope! is't come to that?

Isa.

Hark you Mr. Loveby,—a word with you.

Lov.

A word with you Madam: whither is your Cousin bound?

Isa.

Bound Sir?

Lov.

I bound; look you, she's under sail, with a lusty fore-wind.

Non.

I sent for you Sir, but to be plain with you 'twas more out of necessity than Love.

Lov.

I wonder my Lord at your invincible ill nature: you forget the arrest that I passed by: but this 'tis to be civil to unthankful per∣sons; 'tis feeding an ill-natur'd dog, that snarles while he takes the victuals from your hand.

Non.

All friends, all friends; no ripping up old stories; you shall have my Daughter.

Lov.

Faith I see your Lordship would let Lodgings ready furnish'd, but I am for an empty Tenement.

Non.

I had almost forgot my own great belly; if he should dis∣cover that too!—

[Claps his hat before it.

Isa.

to Loveby. You will not hear me, Sir: 'tis all roguery as I live.

Lov.

Flat roguery I'll swear; if I had been father ont; nay, if I had but laid my breeches upon the bed, I would have married her: but I see we are not ordain'd for one another.—is going.

Non.

I beseech you Sir.—

Lov.

Pray cover, my Lord.

Isa.

He does his great belly, methinks—

Non.

I'll make it up in money to you.

Lov.

That cannot tempt me; I have a friend that shall be name∣less, that will not see me want—and so your Servant.

Exit Loveby

Isa.

I'll after and bring him back—

Non.

You shall not stir after him; does he scorn my daughter.

Isa.

Lord how fretful you are: this breeding makes you so pee∣vish Nuncle.

Non.

'Tis no matter, she shall straight be married to Sir Timorous.

Con.

I am ruin'd Cousin.

Isa.

I warrant you:—My Lord I wish her well married to Sir Timorous; but Loveby will certainly infect him with the news of her great belly.

Non.

I'll dispatch it e'r he can speak with him.

Isa.

When e'r he comes, he'll see what a bona roba she is grown.

Non.

Therefore it shall be done ith' evening.

Isa.

It shall my Lord.

Con.

Shall it?

Isa.

Let me alone Cousin,—and to this effect she wall write to him, that to conform to your will, and his modesty, she desires him to come hither alone this Evening.

Non.

Excellent wench! I'll get my Chaplain ready.

Exit Nons.

Con.

How can you hope to deceive my father?

Isa.

If I do not I have hard luck.

Con.

You go so strange a way about, your bowl must be well by∣assed to come in.

Isa.

So plain a ground there's not the least rub in't, I'll meet Sir Timorous in the dark, and in your room marry him.

Con.

You'll be sure to provide for one.

Isa.

You mistake me Cousin: Oh! here's Setstone again;

Enter Setstone.

Mr. Jeweller, you must again into your Devils shape, and speak with Loveby: but pray be careful not to be discover'd.

Set.

I warrant you Madam; I have cousned wiser men than he in my own shape; and if I cannot continue it in a worse, let the Devil I make bold with, e'n make as bold with me.

Isa.

You must guide him by back wayes, to my Uncles House, and so to my Cousins Chamber, that he may not know where he is when he comes there: the rest I'll tell you as we go along.

Exeunt Omnes.

Enter Timorous; after him Burr and Failer.

Tim.

Here here, read this Note; there's news for us.

Fail.

Let me see't.

(reads.)

Sir Timorous.

Be at the Garden dore at nine this Evening, there I'll receive you with my daughter; to gratifie your modesty I design'd this way, af∣ter I had better considered on it: and pray leave your Caterpillars Burr and Failer behind you.

Yours Nonsuch.

There is some trick in this, what e'rit be: but this word Caterpil∣lars: you see Burr, Sir Timerous, is like to be lur'd from us.—

Burr.

Is there no prevention?

To him aside.

Fail.

One way there is: Sir Timorous pray walk a turn while Burr and I conferre a little upon this matter—Look you Burr, there is but one remedy in Nature I vow to gad: that is for you to have a new Sir Timorous, exceeding this person in bounty to you. Observe then, in Sir Timorous his place will I go, and igad I'll marry

my Lady Constance; and then from the bowels of friendship bless thee with a thousand pounds, besides Lodging and Diet for thy life, boy.—

Burr.

Umh—very well thought on.—No Sir, you shall trust to my bounty; I'll go in his place, murmure or repine, speak the least word, or give thy lips the least motion; and I'll beat thee till thou art not in condition to go.

Fail.

I vow to gad this is extreme injustice: was it not my inven∣tion?

Burr.

Why dost thou think thou art worthy to make use of thy own invention?—speak another word dee see—come help me quickly to strip Sir Timorous: his Coat may conduce to the deceipt.

—Sir Timorous by your leave.—

[fals on him.

Tim.

O Lord! what's the mater?—murder—murder.

Burr.

Dee open; I have something in my Pocket that will serve for a gag now I think on't.

(gags and binds him.)

So lye there Knight. Come Sir, and help to make me Sir Timorous; and when I am married, remember to encrease your manners with my fortune—yet we'll alwayes drink together.

Exeunt.

ACT. V.

Constance, Isabelle, Nonsuch.

Con.

THis is just the Knights hour; and Lovers seldome come after their time.

Non.

Good night Daughter, I'll to bed; and give you joy tomorrow morning.

Exit Nonsuch

Isa.

I'm glad he's gone: what, your train takes?

Con.

Yes, yes; Loveby will come: Setstone has been with him in disguise; and promis'd him golden Mountains if he will not be wan∣ting to his own fortune.

Isa.

Is your habit provided too?

Con.

All is ready.

Isa.

Away then; for this is the place where we must part like Knights Errant, that take several paths to their adventures.

Con.

'Tis time; for I hear some body come along the Alley; without question 'tis Timorous. Farewell, the Captain stayes for me in my Chamber.

Isa.

And I'll post after you to Matrimony; I have laid a fresh Parson at the next Stage that shall carry me tantivy.

Exit Constance.

Enter Burr with Timorous his Coat on.

Burr.

My Lady Constance!

Isa.

The same: Sir Timorous!

Burr.

The same.

Isa.

Sir Timorous takes me for my Cousin.

(aside.)

Bur.

My Lady Constance mistakes me for the Knight.

(aside.)

Isa.

Here, Sir; through the dark walk; 'tis but a little way a∣bout:—he's my own beyond Redemption.—

(aside.

Bur.

The Indies are mine; and a handsome Lady into the bar∣gain.—

(Exeunt.

Enter Failer, dogging them as they go off.

Fail.

He shall be hang'd e'r he shall get her. Thus farr I have dogg'd u'm, and this way I am sure they must pass e'r they come to the house: the Rogue had got the old Dog-trick of a Statesman; to fish things out of wiser heads than his own, and never so much as take no∣tice of him that gave the Counsel.—

Enter Isabelle and Burr again.

Now if I can but give her the hint without his knowledge!—Madam,—my Lady Constance—

Isa.

Whose voice is that?

Fail.

A word in private, or you are undone:—Pray step aside.

Bur.

Where are you, Madam?

Isa.

Immediately, Sir Timorous.

Fail.

You are mistaken, Madam; 'tis not Sir Timorous; but Burr in his cloaths: he has stript the Knight; gag'd him, and lock'd him up.

Isa.

Failer?

Fail.

The same: I could not but prevent your unhappiness, though I hazard my person in the discovery I Vow to Gad, Madam.

Burr.

Who's that talkes to you, my Lady Constance?

Isa.

a Maid of my acquaintance that's come to take her leave of me before I marry; the poor soul does so pity me.

Bur.

How will that Maid lie thinking of you and me to night!

Isa.

Has he the Key about him?

(To Failer.

Fail.

I think so, Madam.

Isa.

Could not you possibly pick his pocket, and give me the Key? then let me alone to release Sir Timorous; and you shall be witness of the wedding.

Fail.

Igad you want your Cousin Isabells wit to bring that to pass Madam.

Isa.

I warrant you my own wit will serve to fool Burr,—and you too, or I am much deceiv'd—

(aside)

Fail.

I am a little apprehensive of the Rascals fingers since I felt u'm last; and yet my fear has not power to resist the sweet tempta∣tion of revenge; I vow to Gad I'll try, Madam.—

Isa.

Never fear; let me alone to keep him busie.—

Bur.

Come, Madam, and let me take off those tastless Kisses the Maid gave you; may we not joyn lips before we are Married?

Isa.

No, fye, Sir Timorous.

They struggle a little, and in that time Failer picks his Pocket of the Key.

Fail.

I have it,—here 'tis,—now shift for your self as I'll do: I ll wait you in the Alley.

(Exit Failer.

Isa.

Sir Timorous, pray go into my Chamber; and make no noise till I return: I'll but fetch the little Man of God, and follow you in a twinckling.

Bur.

There's no light I hope.—

Isa.

not a spark

Bur.

For to light me to the mark—

Exit Burr.

Isa.

What a scowring have I scapt to night! fortune, 'tis thou hast been ingenious for me! Allons Isabelle! courage! now to deli∣ver my Knight from the Enchanted Castle.

(Exit Isabelle.

Enter Loveby led by Setstone antickly habited; with a torch in one hand, and a wand in the other.

Lov.

What art thou that hast lead me this long houre

Through Lanes and Alleys, and blind passages?

Set.

I am thy Genius; and conduct thee to

Wealth, Fame, and Honour; what thou com'st to do

Do boldly: fear not; with this rod I charme thee;

And neither Elf nor Goblin now can harm thee.

Lov.

Well, march on; if thou art my Genius, thou art bound to be

Answerable for me: I'll have thee hang'd if I miscarry.

Set.

Fear not my Son.

Lov.

Fear not quoth a! then prithee put on a more familiar shape:—one of us two stinks extreamly: prithee do not come so near me: I do not love to have my face bleach'd like a Tiffany with thy Brimstone.—

Set.

Fear not, but follow me.—

Lov.

'Faith I have no great mind to't: I am somewhat godly at present; but stay a moneth longer and I'll be proud, and fitter for thee: in the mean time prithee stay the stomach with some Dutch∣man: an Hollander with Butter will fry rarely in Hell.

Set.

Mortal, 'tis now too late for a retreat: go on and live: step back and thou art mine.

Lov.

So I am however; first or last, but for once I'll trust thee.—

The Scene opens, and discover Constance; and a Parson by her, she habited like Fortune.

Enter again.

Set.

Take here the mighty Queen of good and ill;

Fortune, first Marry, then enjoy thy fill

Of lawful pleasures; but depart e'r morn:

Slip from her Bed, or else thou shalt be torn

Piece-meale by Fiends; thy bloud carows'd in Bowles,

And thy four quarters blown to th' top of Pouls.

Lov.

By your favour I'll never venture it: is marrying the busi∣ness; I'll none I thank you.—

(Here Constance whispers Setstone.

Set.

Fortune will turn her back if twice deny'd.

Lov.

Why she may turn her Girdle too on t'other side.

This is the Devil; I will not venture on her.

Set.

Fear not; she swears thou shalt receive no harm.

Lov.

I, if a man durst trust her; but the Devil is got into such an ill name for lying.

Set.

When e'r you are not pleas'd, it shall be lawful to sue out your Divorse.

Lov.

I; but where shall I get a Lawyer? there you are afore∣hand with me: you have retained most of them already—for the favors I have received, I am very much her servant, but in the way of Matrimony, Mr. Parson there can tell you 'tis an Ordinance; and must not be enter'd into without mature deliberation: besides; Marriages you know are made in heaven; and that I am sure this was not.

Set.

She bids you then at least, restore that Gold, which she, too lavishly, pour'd out on you unthankful Man.—

Lov.

Faith I have it not at present; 'tis all gone, as I am a sin∣ner; but, 'tis gone wickedly; all spent in the Devil her Fathers service.

Set.

Where is the grateful sence of all your favours? Come, Fiends, with Flesh-hooks tear the wretch in pieces, and bear his Soul upon your leather wings, below the Fountain of the dark Abyfs.

Lov.

What, are you a Conjuring? if you are good at that sport, I can Conjure as well as you—

(Draws his Sword.

Con.

Hold; for Heaven's sake hold, I am no spirit: touch but my hand; Ghosts have no Flesh and Blood.

(Discovering.

Lov.

My Lady Constance! I began to suspect it might be a trick; but never could imagine you the Author: it seems you are desi∣rous I should Father this Hans en Kelder heere.

Const.

I know not how without a blush to tell you it was a cheat I practis'd for your Love.

Set.

A meere Tympany, Sir, rais'd by a Cushion; you see 'tis gone already.

Const.

Setstone was sent to have acquainted you; but by the way unfortunately miss'd you.

Lov.

'I was you then that supply'd me all this while with Mo∣ney; pretty Familiar, I hope to make thee amends e'r I sleep to night: come Parson, prithee make hast and joyn us. I long to be out of her debt poor Rogue.

The Parson takes them to the side of the Stage: they turn their backs to the Audience, while he mumbles to them.

Set.

I'll be the Clark; Amen, give you joy Mr. Bridegroom, and Mrs. Bride.

Lov.

Const. Thanks honest Setstone.

Bib. Franc. And Musick without, they Play.

Musick.

God give your worship a good even Mr. Loveby.

Const.

Hark! what noise is that? Is this Musick of your pro∣viding, Setstone.

Set.

Alass, Madam, I know nothing of it.

Lov.

We are betray'd to your Father, but the best on't is, he comes too late to hinder us—fear not, Madam, I'll bear you through them all.—

As they rush out; Bibber, Frances, and Musick are entring in: Bibber and Frances are beaten down.

[Exeunt Loveby, Constance, Setstone, Parson,

All cry out, Oh the Devil! the Devil! the Devil!

Bib.

Lord bless us, Where are you Frances?

Franc.

Here William! this is a judgment, as they say, upon you William; for trusting Wits: and calling Gentlemen to the Tavern, William.

Bib.

No; 'twas a Judgment upon you, for desiring Preferment at Court, Frances. Let's call up the Watch, and Justice Trice, to have the house search'd.

Franc.

I, I; there's more Devils there I warrant you.

(Exeunt.

Enter Loveby, Constance, Setstone, again.

Lov.

It was certainly Will. Bibber and his Wife with Musick: for now I remember my self I pointed him this hour at your Fathers house: but we frighted them worse than they frighted us.

Const.

Our Parson run away too:—when they cry'd out the Devil!

Lov.

He was the wiser: for if the Devil had come ind eed, he has Preach'd so long against him it would have gone hard with him.

Set.

Indeed I have alwayes observ'd Parsons to be more fearful of the Devil than other people.

Lov.

Oh the Devil's the Spirit, and the Parson's the Flesh: and betwixt those two there must be War: yet to do 'um both right, I think in my Conscience they quarrel onely like Lawyers for their Fees; and meet good friends in private to laugh at their Clients.

Con.

I saw him run in at my Cousin Isabells chamber doore, which was wide open; I believe she's return'd: we'll fetch a light from the Gallery, and give her joy.—

Lov.

Why is she Married, Madam?

Con.

I'll tell you as we go.—

(Exeunt.

The Scene changes; Burr and the Parson enter, meeting in the dark.

Bur.

My Lady Constance are you come again? that's well: I have waited sufficiently for you in the dark.

Pars.

Help, help, help good Christian People! the Devil, the Devils here.

Bur.

'Tis I Madam; what do you meane?

Pars.

Avoid Sathan! avoid, avoid.

Bur.

What have I here, the hairy Woman?

Enter Loveby, Constance with the light.

Bur.

Ha! yonder's my Lady Constance! Who have I got, a stone-Priest by this good Light. How's this, Loveby too!

Lov.

Burr, a beating my Reverend Clergy: What make you here at this unseasonable hour! I'll know your business—

(Draws.

Bur.

Will you Sir?—

(They Fight.

Const.

Set. Parson. Help, Murder, murder.

Enter at one Door, Trice Drunk: with the Watch: Bibber: and Frances following, At the other Nonsuch. and Servants, and Failer.

Non.

Murder, murder! beat down their weapons: Will you murder Sir Timorous, Mr. Loveby—

(They disarme both.

Sir Timorous!

ha, Burr! Thieves; thieves! Sit down good Mr. Justice, aud take their Examinations: now I shall know how my Mo∣ney went.

Trice.

They shall have Justice I warrant u'm.

(Goes to sit and misses the chair.

Bib.

The Justice is almost dead drunk, my Lord.

Franc.

But and't please your Worship my Lord this is not the worst sight that we have seen her to night in your Worships house, we met three or four hugeous ugly Devils, with eyes like Sawcers,

that threw down my Husband, that threw down me, that made my heart so panck ever since, as they say.

Non.

The Devil again in my house.

Lov.

Nay, here he was, that's certain; he brought me hither, I know not how my self, and Married me; Mr Setstone there can justifie it: but the best is, I have a Charme about me that will lay him yet e'r midnight.

Fail.

And I Vow to Gad my Lord, I know as little how I came hither as any man.

Bur.

Nor I.

Trice.

Nor I.

Lov.

No I dare swear do'st thou not Mr. Justice.

Trice.

But I wonder how the Devil durst come into our Ward, when he knows I have been at the Duties of—my Family—this evening.

Enter one of the Watch, with Timorous, and Isabelle.

Watch.

And please your Worship I met this couple in the street late, and so seeing them to be man and woman, I brought u'm along with me, upon suspition of Felony together.

Franc.

This is the proud minx that sought shelter in my house this afternoon Mr. Justice.

Fail.

Sir Timorous and Madam Isabelle! I Vow to Gad we are un∣done Burr.—

Isa.

Do not you know me, Mr. Justice?

Lov.

Justice is blind, he knows no body.

Isa.

My name is Isabelle.

Fran.

No, thy name is Jezabelle: I warrant you there's none but Rogues and Papists would be abroad at this time of night.

Bib.

Hold Frances.—

Trice.

She's drunk I warrant her as any beast: I wonder woman you do not consider what a crying sin Drunkenness is? Whom do you learn it from in our Parish? I'm sure you never see me worse.

Isa.

Burr and Failer; acknowledge your selves a couple of recre∣ant Knights: Sir Timorous is mine: I have won him in fair Field from you.

Con.

Give you joy Cousin,—give you joy!

Lov.

Married!

Isa.

And in Diana's Grove boy.

Lov.

Why 'tis fine by heaven; 'tis wondrous fine; as the Poet goes on sweetly.

Tim.

I am sure they had gagg'd me, and bound me, and stript me almost stark naked, and lockt me up as fast as a Butterfly, till she came and made me a man again; and therefore I have reason to love her the longest day I have to live.

Isa.

I, and the longest night too, or you are to blame. And you have one argument I love you, if the proverb be true, for I took you almost in your bare shirt.

Burr.

So much for us Failer!

Con.

Well my Lord, it had as good at first as at last: I must beg your Lordships blessing for this Gentleman and my self.

both kneel.

Non.

Why you are not Married to him I hope! he's Married to the Devil.

Lov.

'Twas a white Devil of your Lordships getting then; Mr. Setstone, and the Reverend here can witness it.

Set.

Par. We must speak truth my Lord.

Non.

Would I had another Child for your sake, you should ne'r see peny of my money.

Lov.

Thank you my Lord; but methinks 'tis much better as 'tis.

Isa.

Come Nuncle 'tis in vain to hold out now 'tis past remedy: 'tis like the last Act of a Play when people must Marry; and if fa∣thers will not consent then, they should throw Oranges at 'um from the Galleries: why should you stand off to keep us from a Dance?

Non.

But there's one thing still that troubles me, that's her great belly, and my own too.

Con.

Nay for mine my Lord, 'tis vanish'd already: 'twas but a trick to catch the old one.

Lov.

But I'll do my best; she shall not be long without another.

Isa.

But as for your great belly Nuncle, I know no way to rid you on't but by taking out your guts.

Loveby.

'Tis such a pretty smart rascal; 'tis well I am pleas'd with my own choice; but I could have got such Hectors and Poets and Gamesters out of thee

Con.

No, no; two Wits could never have liv'd well together; want would have so sharpened you upon one another.

Isa.

A Wit should naturally be joyned to a fortune; by the same reason your Vintners feed their hungry Wines.

Con.

And if Sir Timorous and I had married; we two fortunes must have built Hospitals with our Money, we could never have spent it else.

Lov.

Or what think you of paying Courtiers debts with it.

Isa.

Well, to shew I am in charity with my Enemies, I'll make a motion: while we are in Town let us hire a large house, and live to∣gether: Burr and Failer.—

Fail.

Shall be utterly discarded; I knew 'twould come to that I vow to gad.

Isa.

Shall be our Ghests.

Burr and Failer throw up their Caps, and cry Vivi, Madame Isabelle.

Lov.

And Bibber shall make our Wedding Cloaths without trust∣ing.

Bib.

No, hence forward I'll trust none but landed men; and such as have houses and apple-trees in the Country: now I have got a Place in the Customehouse.

Franc.

Nothing vexes me, but that this flirting Gentlewoman should go before me; but I'll to the Heralds Office, and see whether the Queens Majesties Dresser should not take place of any Knights Wife in Christendom.

Bib.

Now all will out—no more good Frances.

Franc.

I will speak, that I will, so I will: what! shall I be a Dres∣ser to the Queens Majesty, and no body must know on't; I'll send Mr. Church-warden word on't; and Gentlemen, when you come to St. Brides Church (if ever you come to Church Gentlemen) you shall see me in the Pew that's next the Pulpit; thank Mr. Loveby's Worship for't.

Loveby.

Spare your thanks good Landlady, for the truth is we came too late, the Place is gone; and so is yours Will; but you shall have 200 l. for One, if that will satisfie you.

Franc.

This is better news as they say.

Lov.

Chear up thy Wife Will: where are they fiddles? a dance should do it:

Bib.

I'll run and call u'm.

Isa.

I have found out that will comfort her: henceforward I chri∣sten her by the name of Madam Bibber.

All.

A Madam Bibber, A Madam Bibber.

Franc.

Why, I thank you sweet Gentlemen and Ladies, this is a Cordial to my drooping spirits: I confess I was a little eclips'd; but I'll chear up with abundance of love, as they say. Strike up Fiddles.—

Lov.

That's a good Wench.

Dance.

Trice.

This Musick, and a little nod has recovered me; I'll in and provide for the Sack-Posset.

Non.

To bed, to bed; 'tis late: Son Loveby get me a boy to night, and I'll settle three thousand a year upon him the first day he calls me Grandsire.

Lov.

I'll do my best.

To make the bargain sure before I sleep. Where Love and money strike, the blow goes deep.