The wild gallant a comedy : as it was acted at the Theater-Royal by His Majesties servants / written by John Dryden, esq.

SCENE II.

Enter as from Dinner, Trice, Timerous, Failer, Burr, Constace, Isabelle.

Trice.

SPeak thy conscience; was it not well dress'd sirrah?

Tim.

What think you of the Park, after our plenteous entertainment Madam?

Isab.

I defie the Park, and all its works.

Const.

Come, Mr. Trice, we'll walk in your Garden.

Exeunt preter Failer and Burr.

Fail.

O, one thing I had almost forgot to tell you: one of us two must ever be near Sir Timerous.

Burr.

Why?

Fail.

To guard our interest in him from the Enemy Madam Isa∣belle;

who, I doubt, has designes upon him. I do not fear her wit, but her sex; she carries a prevailing argument about her.

Enter Bibber with a Bottle.

Bib.

By this hand, I have a light upon the best wine in your Cou∣fins Cellar, drink but one glass to me, to shew I am welcome, and I am gone.

Fail.

Here then, honest Will. 'tis a cup of forbearance to thee.

Bib.

Thank you Sir, I'll pledge you—now here's to you a∣gain.

Fail.

Come away; what is't Will.

Bib.

'Tis what you christened it, a cup of forbearance Sir.

Fail.

Why, I drank that to thee Will. that thou shouldst forbear thy money.

Bib.

And I drink this to you, Sir; henceforward I'll forbear working for you.

Fail.

Then say I: take a little Bibber, and throw him in the River, and if he will trust never, then there let him lie ever.

Bib.

Then say I: take a little Failer, and throw him to the Jay∣lour; and there let him lie, till he has paid his Tailor.

Bur.

You are very smart upon one another Gentlemen.

Fail.

This is nothing between us; I use to tell him of his Title, Fiery facias; and his setting dog, that runs into Ale-houses before him, and comes questing out again, if any of the woots his customers be within.

Bib.

I faith 'tis true; and I use to tell him of his two Capons tails about his hat, that are laid spread eagle wise to make a feather; I would go into the snow at any time, and in a quarter of an hour I would come in with a better feather upon my head; and so farewell Sir; I have had the better on you hitherto, and for this time I am resolved to keep it.

[Exit Bibber.

Fail.

The rogue's too hard for me; but the best on't is, I have my revenge upon his purse.

Enter Isabelle.

Isab.

Came not Sir Timerous this way, Gentlemen? he left us in the Garden, and said he would look out my Lord Nonsuch, to make his peace with him.

Fail.

Madame, I like not your enquiting after Sir Timerous: I suspect you have some design upon him: you would fain undermine your Cousin, and marry him your self.

Isab.

Suppose I should design it; what are you the worse for my good fortune? Shall I make a proposition to you: I know you two carry a great stroke with him: make the match between us, and pro∣pound to your selves what advantages you can reasonably hope: you shall chouse him of horses, cloathes and Money, and I'll wink at it.

Bur.

And if he will not be chous'd, shall we beat him out on't?

Isab.

For that, as you can agree.

Fail.

Give us a handsel of the bargain; let us enjoy you, and 'tis a match.

Isab.

Grammarcy ifaith boyes; I love a good offer how e'r the world goes? but you would not be so base to wrong him that way.

Fail.

I vow to gad but I would Madam: in a horse or a woman I may lawfully cheat my own Father: besides, I know the Knights complexion; he would be sure to follow other women; and all that.

Isab.

Nay, if he fought with the sword, he should give me leave to fight with the Scabbard.

Bur.

What say you Madam? is't a bargain.

Isab.

'Tis but a promise; and I have learnt a Court trick for per∣forming any thing. (aside) Well Gentlemen, when I am married I'll think upon you; you'll grant there's a necessity I should Cuckold him, if it were but to prove my self a Wit.

Fail.

Nay, there's no doubt you'll Cuckold him; and all that; for look you he's a person fit for nothing else; but I fear we shall not have the graffing of the horns; we must have Livery and Seisin before hand of you, or I protest to gad we believe you not.

Isa.

I have past my word, is't not sufficient? what do you think, I would tell a lie to save such a paltrie thing as a nights lodging?—Hark you Sir:

(to Burr.)

Fail.

Now will she attempt Burr; igad she has found him out for the weaker vessel.

Isa.

I have no kindness for that Failer, we'll strike him out, and man ge Sir Timerous our selves.

Burr:

Indeed we wonnot.

Isa.

Failer's a Rook, and besides, he's such a debauched fellow.

Burr.

I am ten times worse.

Isa.

Leave it, and him that taught it you: you have virtuous incli∣nations, and I would not have you ruine your self. He that serves many Mistresses, surfeits on his diet, and grows dead to the whole sex: 'tis the folly in the world next long ears and braying.

Bur.

Now I'm sure you have a mind to me; when a woman once falls to preaching, the next thing is ever use and application.

Isa.

Forbear your rudeness—

Bur.

Then I am sure you meant to jilt me: you decline Failer be∣cause he has wit; and you think me such an ass, that you may pack me off so soon as you are married; no, no, I'll not venture certainties for uncertainties.

Isa.

I can hold no longer; Mr. Failer, what do you think this fellow was saying of you?

Fail.

Of me, Madam.

Isa.

That you were one of the errantest Cowards in Christendom, though you went for one of the Dear Hearts: that your name had been upon more posts than play-bills: and that he had been acquain∣ted with you these seven years, drunk and sober, and yet could ne∣ver fasten a quarrel upon you.

Bur.

Do you believe this, Dear Heart?

Isa.

If you deny it, I'll take his sword, and force you to confess it.

Fail.

I vow to gad, this will not do, Madam: you shall not set us at variance so easily; neither shall you have Sir Timerous.

Isa.

No! then mark my words: I'll marry him in spight of you; and which is worse, you shall both work my ends; and I'll discard you for your pains.

Fail.

You shall not touch a bit of him: Ill preserve his humbles from you igad; they shall be his Keepers fees.

Bur.

She shall cut an Atome sooner than divide us.

Exeunt Burr and Failer.

Enter Constance.

Con.

I have given u'm the slip in the Garden, to come and over∣hear thee: no fat overgrown virgin of forty ever offer'd her self so dog cheap, or was more despis'd: me-thinks now this should mortifie thee exceedingly.

Isa.

Not a whit the more for that: Cousin mine, our Sex is not so easily put out of conceitwith our own beauties.

Con.

Thou hast lost the opinion of thy honesty, and got nothing in recompence: now that's such an oversight in a Lady.

Isab.

You are deceiv'd; they think me too virtuous for their pur∣pose; but I have yet another way to try, and you shall help me.

Enter Loveby new habited.

Const.

Mr. Loveby. welcome, welcome: where have you been this fortnight.

Lov.

Faith Madam, out of Town to see a little thing that's fallen to me upon the death of a Grandmother.

Const.

You thank death for the windfall, Servant: but why are you not in mourning for her.

Lov.

Troth Madam it came upon me so suddenly I had not time: twas a fortune utterly unexpected by me.

Isab.

Why, was your Grandmother so young you could not look for her disease?

Lov.

Not for that neither; but I had many other kindred whom she might have left it to, only she heard I liv'd here in fashion, and spent my money in the eye of the world.

Const.

You forge these things prettily; but I have heard you are as poor as a decimated Cavalier, and had not one foot of land in all the world.

Lov.

Rivals tales, Rivals tales, Madam.

Const.

Where lies your land, Sir?

Lov.

I'll tell you Madam, it has upon it a very fair Manor house; from one side you have in prospect an hanging Garden.

Isa.

Who was hang'd there? not your Grandmother I hope?

Lov,

In the midst of it you have a Fountain: you have seen that at Hampton-Court; it will serve to give you a slight image of it. Be∣yond the Garden you look to a River through a Perspective of fruit∣trees; and beyond the River you see a Mead so flowry: well I shall never be at quiet, till we two make hay there.

Const.

But where lies this Paradice?

Lov.

Pox on't; I am thinking to sell it, it has such a villanous unpleasant name; it would have sounded so harsh in a Ladies ear. But for the Fountain, Madam—

Const.

The Fountain's a poor excuse, it will not hold water; come the name, the name.

Lov.

Faith it is come so lately into my hands, that I have forgot the name on't,

Isab.

That's much, now, you should forget the name, and yet could make such an exact description of the place.

Lov.

If you will needs know, the name's Bawdy; sure this will give a stop to their curiosity.

(aside.)

Isa.

At least you'll tell us in what County it lies, that my Cousin may send to enquire about it; come, this shall not serve your turn, tell us any Town that's near it.

Lov.

'Twill be somewhat too far to send; it lies in the very North of Scotland.

Isa.

In good time, a Paradice in the Highlands; is't not so Sir?

Const.

It seems you went Post, Servant: in troth you are a rank rider, to go to the North of Scotland, stay and take possession, and return again, in ten days time.

Isa.

I never knew your Grandmother was a Scotch woman: is she not a Tartar too: pray whistle for her, and lets see her daunce: come—whist Grannee!

Const.

Fie fie Servant; what no invention in you? all this while a studying for a name of your Manor? come, come, where lyes it? tell me.

Lov.

No faith, I am wiser than so; I'll discover my Seat to no man; so I shall have some damn'd Lawyer keep a prying into my title to defeat me of it.

Const.

How then shall I be satisfied there is such a thing in Na∣ture?

Lov.

Tell me what Jewel you would wear, and you shall have it: Enquire into my money, there's the trial.

Const.

Since you art so flush, Sir, you shall give me a Locket of Diamonds of three hundred pounds.

Isa.

That was too severe; you know he has but 250 l. to bestow.

[to her.]

Lov.

Well you shall have it, Madam: but I cannot higgle: I know you'll say it did not cost above 200 pieces.

Isa.

I'll be hanged if he does not present you with a parcel of melted Flints set in Gold, of Norfolk pebbles.

Lov.

Little Gentlewoman you are so keen:—Madam, this night I have appointed business, to morrow I'll wait upon you with it.

Exit Loveby.

Isa.

By that time he has bought his Locket, and paid his Land∣lady,

all his Money will be gone: but, Do you mean to prosecute your plot, to see him this evening?

Const.

Yes, and that very privately; if my Father know it I am undone.

Enter Setstone.

Isa.

I heard him say this night he had appointed business.

Set.

Why that was it Madam; according to your order I put on a disguise, and found him in the Temple-Walkes: having drawn him aside, I told him, if he expected happiness, he must meet me in a blind Alley I nam'd to him, on the back-side of Mr. Trices house, just at the close of evening; there he should be satisfied from whom he had his suplies of Money.

Const.

And how did he receive the Summons?

Set.

Like a bold Hector of Troy; without the least doubt or scru∣ple: but, the jeast on't was, he would needs believe that I was the Devil.

Const.

Sure he was afraid to come then.

Set.

Quite contrary; he told me I need not be so shy, to acknow∣ledge my self to him; he knew I was the Devil; but he had learnt so much civility, as not to press his Friend to a farrher discovery than he was pleased, I should see I had to do with a Gentleman; and any Courtesie I should confer on him he would not be unthank∣ful; for he hated ingratitude of all things.

Const.

'Twas well carried not to disabuse him: I laugh to think what sport I shall have anon, when I convince him of his lies, and let him know I was the Devil to whom he was beholding for his Money: go Setstone; and in the same disguise be ready for him.

(Exit. Setstone.

Isa.

How dare you trust this fellow?

Const.

I must trust some body; gain has made him mine, and now fear will keep him faithful.

To them, Bur, Failer, Timorous, Trice, Nonsuch.

Fail.

Pray, my Lord, take no picque at it: 'tis not given to all men to be confident: Igad you shall see Sir Timorous will redeem all upon the next occasion.

Non.

A raw mieking Boy.

Isa.

And what are you but an old Boy of five and fifty; I never knew any thing so homorsome.—I warrant you, Sir Timerous, I'll speak for you.

Non.

Would'st thou have me be friends with him! for thy sake he shall onely add five hundred a year to her Joynture, and I'll be satisfied: come you hither, Sir.

Here Trice and Nonsuch and I imorous, talk privately; Burr with Failer apart; Constance with. Isabelle.

Const.

You'l not find your account in this trick to get Failer beaten; 'tis too palpable and open.

Isa.

I warrant you 'twill pass upon Burr for a time: so my re∣venge, and your interest will go on together.

Fail.

Burr, there's mischief a brewing, I know it by their whispring I vow to gad: look to your self, their designs on you; for my part I am a person that am above u'm.

Tim.

to Trice: But then you must speak for me Mr. Trice; and you too my Lord.

Non.

If you deny't again, I'll beat you; look to't Boy.

Trice.

Come on; I'll make the bargain.

Isa.

You were ever good in a Flesh Market.

Trice.

Come you little Harlotry; What satisfaction can you give me for running away before the Ruffs came in?

Const.

Why I left you to u'm, that ever invite your own belly to the greatest part of all your feasts.

Trice.

I have brought you a Knight here Huswife, with a plen∣tiful Fortune to furnish out a Table; and, What would you more? Would you be an angel in Heaven?

Isab.

Your minds ever upon your belly.

Trice.

No; 'tis sometimes upon yours: but, What say'st thou to Sir Timirous, little Constance?

Const.

Would you have me married to that King Midas Face?

Trice.

Midas me no Midas; he's a Wit; he understands eating and drinking well: Poeta coquus, the heathen Philosopher, could tell you that.

Const.

Come on Sir; What's your will with me?

(Laughs)

Tim.

Why Madam, I could onely wish we were a little better ac∣quainted, that we might not laugh at one another so.

Const.

If the Fool puts forward I am undone.

Tim.

Fool! Do you know me Madam?

Const.

You may see I know you, because I call you by your name.

Fail.

You must endure these rebukes with patience, Sir Timo∣rous.

Const.

What, are you Plannet stroke? Look you, my Lord, the Gentleman is Tongue-ty'd.

Non.

This is past enduring.

Fail.

'Tis nothing, my Lord; Courage, Sir Timorous.

Non.

I say 'tis past enduring; that's more then ever I told you yet: Do you come to make a fool of my Daughter?

Isa.

Why Lord—

Non.

Why Lady—

(Exit Nonsuch.

Trice.

Let's follow the old Man, and pacifie him.

Isa.

Now Cousin—

Exeunt Isabelle, Trice, Burr.

Const.

Well Mr. Failer, I did not think you of all the rest would have endeavoured a thing so much against my inclination, as this Marriage: if you had been acquainted with my heart, I am sure you would not.

Fail.

What can the meaning of this be? you would not have me believe you love me; and yet how otherwise to understand you I vow to gad I cannot comprehend.

Const.

I did not say I lov'd you, but if I should take a fancy to your Person and Humour: I hope it is no Crime to tell it you: Women are ty'd to hard unequal Laws: the passion is the same in us, and yet we are debarr'd the freedom to express it. You make poor Grecian beggars of us Ladies; our desires must have no language; but onely be fastned to our breasts.

Fail.

Come, come; I gad I know the whole Sex of you: your Love's at best but a kind of blind-mans-buff, catching at him that's next in your way.

Const.

Well Sir, I can take nothing ill from you; when 'tis too late you'l see how unjust you have been to me.—I have said too much already.—

(is going.)

Fail.

Nay, stay sweet Madam: I vow to gad my fortunes better than I could imagine.

Const.

No, pray let me go, Sir; perhaps I was in jeast.

Fail.

Really Madam, I look upon you as a person of such worth and all that, that I Vow to gad I honour you of all persons in the World; and though I am a person that am inconsiderable in the World, and all that Madam, yet for a person of your worth and ex∣cellency, I would—

Const.

What would you, Sir?

Fail.

Sacrifice my life and fortunes, I vow to gad, Madam.

Enter Isabelle, Burr, and Timorous at a distance from them.

Isa.

There's Failer close in Talk with my Cousin; he's solliciting your suit, I warrant you, Sir Timorous: do but observe with what passion he courts for you.

Burr,

I do not like that kneading of her hand though.

Isa.

Come, you are such a jealous Coxcomb: I warrant you sus∣pect there's some amour between u'm; there can be nothing in't it is so open: pray observe.

Burr.

But, How come you so officious, Madam; you, that e'r now had a design upon Sir Timorous for you self?

Isa.

I thought you had a better opinion of my Wit, than to think I was in earnest. My Cousen may do what she pleases, but he shall never pin himself upon me assure him.

Const. to Fail.

Sir Timorous little knows how dangerous a person he has employed in making love:—

(aloud)

Burr.

How's this! Pray my Lady Constance, what's the mean∣ing of that you say to Failer?

Fail.

What luck was this, that he should over-hear you! pax on't!

Const.

Mr. Burr, I owe you not that satisfaction; what you have heard you may interpret as you please.

Tim.

The Rascal has betray'd me.

Isa.

In earnest, Sir, I do not like it.

Fail.

Dear Mr. Burr. be pacify'd; you are a person I have an ho∣nour

for; and this change of Affairs shall not be the worse for you I gad Sir.

Const.

Bear up resolutely Mr. Failer; and maintain my Favours, as becomes my servant.

Burr.

He maintain u'm! go you Judas! I'll teach you what 'tis to play fast and loose with a Man of War

(Kickes him.

Tim.

Lay it on Burr.

Isa.

Spare him not, Burr.

Const.

Fear him not, Servant.

Fail.

Oh, oh; would no body were on my side; here I am prais'd I vow to gad into all the Colours of the Rainbow.

Const.

But, remember 'tis for me.

Burr.

As you like this, proceed, Sir; but, come not near me to night, while I'm in wrath.

(Exeunt Burr and Timorous.

Const.

Come, Sir; How fare you after your sore Trial: you bore it with a most heroick patience.

Isa.

Brave man at Armes, but weak to Balthazer!

Fail.

I hope to gad, Madam, you'l consider the merit of my suf∣ferings: I would not have been beaten thus, but to obey that per∣son in the World—

Const.

Heaven reward you for't: I never shall.

Fail.

How Madam!

Isa.

Art thou such an Ass as not to perceive thou art abused: this beating I contriv'd for you: you know upon what acount; and have yet another or two at your service: yield up the Knight in time, 'tis your best course.

Fail,

Then, Does not your Ladyship Love me Madam?

Const.

Yes, yes; I love to see you beaten.

Isa.

Well, methinks now you have had a hard bargain on't: you have lost your Cully, Sir Timorous; and your Friend Burr, and all to get a poor beating: but I'll see it mended against next time for you.

(Exeunt Constance, Isabelle Laughing.

Fail.

I am so much amaz'd, I vow to gad, I do not understand my own condition.

(Exit Failer.

Enter Loveby solus in the dark; his Sword drawn; groping out his way.—

Loveby.

This is the time and place he 'pointed me; and 'tis certainly the Devil I am to meet; for no mortal creature could have that kindness for me, to supply my necessities as he has done, nor could have done it in so strange a manner: he told me he was a Scholar, and had been a Parson in the Fanaticks times; a shrewd suspition it was the Devil; or at least a limb of him. If the Devil can send Churchmen on his Errands, Lord have mercy on the Layety! well. let every man speak as he finds, and give the Devil his due; I think him a very honest and well-natur'd fellow: and if I hear any man speak ill of him, (except it be a Parson that gets his living by it) I wear a Sword at his Service: yet for all this I do not much care to see him. He does not meane to hook me in for my Soul, Does he if he does, I shall desire to be excus'd. But what a Rogue am I, to suspect a person that has dealt so like a Gentleman by me? he comes to bring me Money, and would do it handsomely, that it might not be perceiv'd: let it be as 'twill, I'll seem to trust him, and then if he have any thing of a Gentleman in him, he will scorn to deceive me, as much as I would to cousin him, if I were the Devil, and he Jack Loveby.

Enter Failer at t'other end of the Stage.

Fail.

What will become of me to night! I am just in the condi∣tion of an out-lying-Deere, that's beaten from his walk for offering to 〈◊〉〈◊〉: Enter I dare not for Burr.

Lov.

I hear a voice, but nothing do I see; speak what thou art.

Fail.

There he is, watching for me: I must venture to run by him; and when I am in, I hope my Cousin Trice will defend me: the De∣vil would not lie abroad in such a night.

Lov.

I thought it was the Devil before he nam'd himself.

[Failer goes to run off and falls into Loveby's armes.

Lov.

Honest Sathan! well encounter'd! I am sorry with all my heart it is so dark: 'Faith I should be very glad to see thee at my

Lodging; prithee let's not be such strangers to one another for the time to come; and, What hast thou got under thy Cloak there little Sathan; I warrant thou hast brought me some more Money.

Fail.

Help; help; Thieves, thieves.

[Loveby lets him go.

Lov.

This is Failers voice: How the Devil was I mistaken! I must get off, e'r Company comes in.

(Exit Loveby,

Fail.

Thieves! Thieves!

Enter Trice, Burr, Timorous, undress'd.

All:

Where! where!

Fail.

One was here just now; and it should be Loveby by his voice, but I have no Witness.

Trice.

It cannot be; he wants no Money.

Burr.

Come, Sirrah; I'll take pity on you to night; you shall lie in the Truckle-bed.

Trice,

Pox o' this noise, it has disturb'd me from such a Dreame of Eating!

EXEUNT OMNES.