IX. Of a TOWN-FOP.

THE Town-Fop is one tha• plays Rex whereever he comes, and makes as much hurry as R•bin good-Fellow of old, amongst our Granums Milk-bowls; he is a kind of a Squib on a Rope, a Meteor composed of Self-con∣ceit and Noise, that by blazing and cracking engages the wonder of the Ignorant, till on a ••ddain he vanishes and leaves a stench, if not infection be∣hind him; he is too often the stain of a good Family, and by his Debauch∣ed life blots the noble Coat of his An∣cestors: A wild un•acked Colt, whose Page  162 Br•ins are not half codled; i•deb•ed for his Cloathes to his Taylor, and for his Wit, (such as it is) to his Company. The School had no sooner indued him with a few Superficial besprinklings, but his Mothers Indulgence posted him to Town for gente•ler breeding, where three or four wild Companion•, half a dozen bottles of Burgundy, two leaves of Leviathan, a brisk encounter with his Landlords Glass-Windows, the charms of a little Miss, and the sight of a new Play, dub'd him at on•e bo•h a Wi• and a Hero; ever since he va∣lues •imself mainly for understanding the Town, and indeed knows most thi•gs in it that are not worth know∣ing: The two Poles wherein all his discourses •••n, are Atheism and B•w∣dry, bar him from being prophane and obscene, and you cramp his Ingenuity, which forthwith flags and becomes useless, as a meere common Lawyer, when he has crossed the Channel.

He is so refractory to Divinity, that Morallity it self canno• hold him: He affir•s humane Nature knows no such thing as Principles of good or evil; and will swear, all Women are Whores, Page  163 though his Mother and Sister stand by; whatsoever is Sacred or Serious, he seeks to render ridiculous, and thin•s Government and Religion fit objects for his idle and fantastick Buffoonty: His humour is proud and assuming, as if he would Palliate his ignorance by scoffing at what he understands not; and therefore with a pert and pragma∣tick scorn, deprecates all things of no∣bler mom•nt, but most passionately af∣fects pretty All-a-mode words, and is as covetous of a new Song or Ayr, as an Antiquary of Cato's Statue, with never an Arm and but half a Nose; these keep him always imployed, and f•ll up the Grotesco't of his Conversation, whilst with a stately Galantry, once in every •alf hour he combs out his Wig, Careens his Breeches, and new Marshals his Garnit•re, to the Tu•e of, Methinks the poor Town has been troubled too long.

His mind used to whistle up and down in the levities of Fancy, and ef∣feminated by the childish Toying of a rampant imagination, finds it self in∣disposed for all solid imployment, especially the serious exercises of Piety Page  164 and Vertue, which begets an Aver∣sion to those lovely Beauties, and that prompts him on all occasions to expose them as rediculous and vain: Hence by degrees he comes to abuse Sacred Scripture, makes a mock of Eternal Flames, joques on the venera∣ble mysteries of Religion; and in fine, scoffs at that All-Glorious and Tre∣mendous Majesty, before whom his Brother Wits below tremble. 'Tis true, He will not confess himself Atheist, yet in his heart the Fool hath said it, and boasts aloud, that he holds his Gospel from the Apostle of Malmsbury, though it is more then probable he ne∣ver read, at least understood, Ten •eaves of that unlucky Author. Talk of Witches and youtickle him; speak •f Spirits, and he tells you he knows •one better than those of Wine; name but Immaterial Essence, and he shall ••out at you as a dull Fop, incapable of Sense, and unfit for Conversation: Nor is he better pleased, then when he c•n here hedge in some Raw Divine, t• Bull-bait with Scurrility, and all kind •• Prophaneness.

Page  165By means of some small scraps of Learning, matcht with a far greater stock of Confidence, a voluble Tongu• and a bold Delivery, he has t•e ill luck to be celebrated by the Vulgar, for a man of parts; which Opinion gains credit to his Insolences, and sets him on farther Extravagancies to maintain his Title of Wit, by conti∣nuing his practice of Fooling; where∣as, all his mighty parts are summ'd up in this Inventory; Imprimi•, A Pedling way of Fancy, a lucky hit at Quibling, now and then an odd Metaphor, a ••n∣ceited Irony, a ridiculous Simile, a ••ld Fetch, an unexpected I•ference, a Mi∣mick Gesture, a pleasing Knack in hu∣mouring a Tale: And lastly, an irresi∣stable Resolution of speaking last, and never be dasht out of Countenance.

By these Arts, dexterously managed, he engrosses a vast Repute? The grave Citizens call him shrewed man, and n•∣table Head-piece; the Ladies (we 〈◊〉 the things so called of his acqua••∣tance) vote him a most accomplis•t Gentleman, and the Blades swear he is a walking Comedy, the only Mer•• Andrew in the Age, that scatters Wi• Page  166 where ever he comes, as Beggars do Lice, or Musk-Cats Perfumes; and 〈◊〉 nothing in Nature can compare w••h him.

You would think he had gotten the ••••ian Art, for he speaks Extempore on all Subjects, and ventures his words without the relief of Sence to second them; his thoughts start from his Imaginatiod, and he never troubles himself to examine their decency, or solidity by Iudgment; to discourse ••m seriously, is to read the Ethices to a Monkey, or make an Oration •o Ca∣••••'s Horse, whence you can only ••••ct a Wee hee, or Iadish Spurn; after 〈◊〉 most convincing Arguments, if he 〈◊〉 but muster up one plausible Joque, 〈◊〉 are routed. For he that under∣••ood n•t your Logick, apprehends his Dr•ll; and though Syllogisms may be an•wered, yet Iests and loud Laughter can never be confuted, but have more swa• to degrade things with the un∣thin•ing Crowd, then Demonstrations: •he•• being a Root of envy in too ma∣ny ••en, that invites the• to applaud th•• which exposes and villifies what the• cannot comprehend. He pretends Page  167 great skill in curing the Te•ers and Ring-worms of State, but blows in the sores till they ra•kle with his poyso∣nous Breath; he shoots Libels with his forked Tongue at his Superiours, and abuses his dearest Friends, ch•sing to forfeit his Neck to the Gibbet, o• his Shoulders to the Battoon, rather t•an lose the driest of his idle Quibbles. In brief, He is the Iack-Pudding of Soci••y▪ a Fleering Bussoon; a better kind of Ape, in the Judgment of all wise 〈◊〉 but an incomparable Wit, in his ow•