Act. 1. Scaen. 3.
What are ye come? Bring us a Tun then, and that so big, that that of Hei∣delberg may seem but like a barrel of pickl'd Oysters to't. Welcome Snapsack, welcome little vermin of Parnassus: how is't, my Laur•ate Rhymer? Cost thou sing Fortune my foe still with thy brother Poet?
Why this right Ballad, and they hobble like the fellow with the wooden leg Page [unnumbered] that sings them. And how dost, man o' blood?
As well as a man of worth can do in these days, where deserts are so little re∣garded: if Wars come once, who but Cutter? who else but Colonel Cutter? God save you, Colonel Cutter, cry the Lords; the La∣dies they smile upon Colonel Cutter, and call Colonel Cutter a proper Gentleman: every man strives who shall invite Colonel Cutter to dinner: not a Cuckoldly creditor dares pluck me by the cloak, and say, Sir, you for∣got your promise, I'm in a strait for moneys, my occasions force me, or the like.
Cheer up, my Hercules upon a signe, I have a plot for ye, which if it thrive, thou shalt no more lie sunning in a bowling-alley, nor go on special holidays to the three-peny Ordinary, and then cry It pleases my humor better then to dine at my Lord Maiors.
Would we had some drink here to stop your mouth.
No more be sick two or three days while thy boots are vamping: no more out∣swear whores in a reckoning, and leave the house in an anger.
Ha' you done?
Nor sup at Taverns with Radishes: nor for a meals meat o'erthrow the King of Spain of the Hollanders when you please: no• when you go to bed produce ten several Tavern snuffs to make one pipe of To∣bacco.
'Slid would I had one here.
Nor change your name and lodging as often as a whore; for as yet, if you had liv'd like a Tartar in a cart, (as you must die, I fear, in one) your home could not have been more uncertain. Your last Gests were these: From a Water-mans house at the Banks side, (marry you stay'd there but a small while, because the fellow was jealous of his wife) passing o'er like great King Xerxes in a Sculler, you arriv'd at a Chand∣lers house in Thames-street, and there took up your lodging. The day before you should have paid, you walkt abroad, and were seen no more; for ever after the smell of the place offended you. Next, you ap∣pear'd at an Ale-house i'th' Covent-Gar∣den, like a Duck that dives at one end of the pond, but rises unexpectedly at the other. But that place (though there was Beer and Tobacco there) by no means pleas'd you; for there dwelt so many cheaters there∣abouts, that you could not live by one ano∣ther; they spoil'd your trade quite. Then from a Shoo-makers, (as you entitl'd him; marry some authors call him a Cobler) to a Basket-makers; from thence to the Coun∣ter: from thence, after much benevolence, to a Barbers; changing more lodgings then Pythagoras his soul did. At length, upon confidence of those new breeches, and the scouring of that everlasting Buff, you ven∣tur'd upon the widows, that famous house for boorders, and are by this time hoysing up your sails, I'm sure; the next fair winde y'are gone.
I wonder, Captain, among so many rascally houses, how I happen'd to miss yours. 'Tis true, I have not lien leaguer al∣ways at one place: Souldiers must remove their tents: Alexander the Great did it an hundred times.
Now to the words of comfort — drink first—then Lordings listen all.
We do, both great and small. O my conscience this cup of wine has done my genius good.
When first my brother departed —
'Twas poorly spoken, by this day.
He committed his daughter and estate to my care; which if she either di'd, or married without my consent, he be∣queath'd all to me. Being five yeers gone, he died.
How frail is humane life! Well sung the divine Poet
Sirrah, Trundle, either hear out peaceably, or I shall cut your ears off. Pro∣ceed, Captain.
I falling into ill company, yours, or some other such idle fellows, began to be misled, could drink and swear, nay, at last, whore sometimes too; which courses having now at last made me like Iob in every thing Page [unnumbered] but patience; your Landlady (for to her husband my estate was morgag'd.) I have sought all means to marry.
That Niobe! that Hecuba!
Pish! I could have lien with either of the two, so 't had been before Hecuba was turn'd into a bitch, or t'other into a stone: for though I hate her worse then small beer.
Or pal•d wine.
Or proverbs and Latine sentences in discourse.
Or a Sermon of two hours long.
Or Dogrels verses, or what you will else; yet she has money, blades; she would be a Guiana or Peru to me, and we should drink four or five yeers securely, like Dutch∣men at a Wedding. But hang her, let her die and go to hell, 'tis onely that can warm her: she scorns me now my money's gone.
Why the Baltick, Dogrel?
Why the Baltick? This tis not to have read the Poets.
Now if my neece should marry, praesto, the means are gone; and I must, like some Gentleman without fear or regard of the gallows, betake my self to the high-way, or else cheat like one of you, and tremble at the sight of a pillory. Therefore— (prick up your ears, for your good angel speaks) upon conditions of share, I marry her to one of you.
I but how, Captain? how?
Why either she shall have one of you, or no body; for if she marry without my consent, the money's mine own: and she'll be hang•d first i'th' Friers rope, ere she turn Nun.
I'll be a Franciscan, if she do.
Not a Carthusian, I warrant thee, to abstain from flesh. Thou mightst well have taken holy Orders, if it were not for chastity and obedience: their other vow of never carrying money about thee, thou hast observed from thy youth up.
I'll have her, by Mercury; I have two or three Love-odes ready made; they can't chuse but win her. Cutter, adore me, Cutter, thou shalt have wine thy fill, though thou couldst out-drink Xe•xes his army.
You get her? what with that Em∣ber week-face of thine? that Rasor of thy nose, those ea•s that prick up like a Puritani∣cal button-makers of Amsterdam? thou lookst as if thou never hadst been fed since thou suck'dst thy mothers milk: thy cheeks begin to fall into thy mothers mouth, that thou mightst eat 'em. Why thou very lath with a thing cut like a face atop, and a slit at the bottom! I am a man, and can do her service; here's metal, boy.
'Tis i' your face then.
I can fight her quarrels, boy, and beg•t on her new Achilleses.
Yes—thou art a very Achilles—in the swiftness of thy feet▪ but thou art a worser coward then any of the Train'd Bands: I'll have a school-boy with a cat-stick take away thy Mistress from thee. Besides, what parts hast thou? hast thou scholarship enough to make a Brewers clerk? Canst thou read the Bible? I'm sure thou hast not. Canst thou write more then thine own name? and that in su•h vile characters, that most men take them for Arabian pot-hooks; and some think thou dost but set thy mark when thou writest thy name. I'm vers'd, Cutter in the whole Encyclopaedie, a word that •s Greek to you. I am a Wit, and can make Greek verses ex tempore.
Nay not so; for if you come to your verses▪ Dogrel, Im sure you ha' done with wit. He that best pleases her, take her a Gods name, and allow the tother a pensi∣on: What think you, gallants?
Agreed; thou shalt have three pound and a cloak.
Away, you puff, you kickshaw, you quaking custard.
Prethee be patient, thou shalt have lace to't too.
Pox take you both; drink and be friends.
Here's to you, Cutter. I'm some∣thing cholerick, and given to jeering: but what, man? words are but winde.
I'll call her in. Why boy within three, call my neece quickly hither.
I'm undone; I ha' left my Ode at home: undone, by Mercury, unless my me∣mory help me.
Thus and thus will I accoast her: I'm the man; Dogrels clothes will cast him.