A new play call'd The Pragmatical Jesuit new-leven'd a comedy
Carpenter, Richard, d. 1670?

Act 1. Scene 4.

Enter Madam Hypocrisie, and Pretty her Maid.
Hyp.

Pretty.

Prett.

Madam.

Hyp.

Well and wittily answer'd: That put together, is Pretty Madam. Thou art Pretty and witty too. I know that I am beautiful, and I know thee to be Pretty.

Prett.

I am your Servant Pretty, Ma∣dam.

Hyp.

Good again. I am pretty outward∣ly, and inwardly pretty. I am pretty and holy too.

Prett.

Madam, you are more than pretty and holy, you are exceedingly holy.

Hyp.

Girl, thou sayest truth: I exceed in my kind of Holiness, or I should not be the Lady I am, Madam Hypocrisie. Well: Call my three English Scholars forth, that I may see what Progress they have made in my kind of Holiness.

Exit Pretty.

Yonder peevish Lady Devotion lives re∣tired, as if she fear'd Mankind, or that a Kiss would blast her. I am hospitable: I reject no man. She prepares all persons by Influence from her inferiour Servants: for her presence; as men are prepar'd in Tur∣ky for the Baths: I receive all at their first entrance, into my near Embraces.

Enter Mr. Complement, a Courtier, Mr. Demure, a Citizen, Gaffer Highshooe.
Prett.

Here they are, Madam.

Hyp.

'Tis well. Mr. Complement my both stately and Coutreous Courtier, Mr. De∣mure my moraliz'd and civil Citizen, and Gaffer Highshooe my bondst Countreyman, or Countreyman of the honest party: I am desirous to behold some fait fruits of your Proficiency in my School. First, Should your Affairs urge you to profess love where ye do not, or cannot love, to countenance your profession, how would ye look in such a case, how behave your selves, with what sweet words would ye accost the person, what would ye say?

Comp.

Our honourable Mistress, I would look thus.

Dem.

And I thus, or thus.

High.

And I thus, and thus, and thus again.

Comp.

My behaviour should be this.

Dem.

And this mine.

High.

And mine as you zee.

Comp.

And I would say, Noble Sir, I do love you beyond the faint apprehension of humane capacity, beyond what all Orators can speak, and beyond what any man can do but my self; and then in an holy man∣ner, I would swear toot, and second my Oath with ar eye towards Heaven.

Dem.

I would say, Dear Brother, I do love you with as much zeal as my poor heart is able to hold without breaking: my love to you, is just weight according to the ballance of sincerity: yea, I profess, and again profess, and profess again, that I love you without the Leven or taint of any kind of Impurity.

High.

And I would zay, Master, indeed and in truth now I do love your Worship: In good sooth I do. I have lov'd you, I do love you, and I will love you now and a∣non too.

Hyp.

This is Scholar-like. If your ne∣cessities should require that ye cheat a man, how then?

Comp.

Then would I look him in the face with a smiling and amiable counte∣nance, with all the Graces dancing on my Forehead and Cheeks: I would joyn eye Page  6 to eye; I would open my cherry lips, and shew him my white and ivory teeth in to∣ken of my innocency: I would salute him with an earthquake of my head: and after∣wards, bow my body to him thus low, and speak all the fairest words that Cicero could have utter'd when his wits were most fresh in a Sun-shiny morning.

Dem.

I would embrace him, and gently pull his body close to my heart-side; I woul musick this action with a groan, after the accent of

He groans.
the Dove when he courts his Mistress: I would stoop, and hold my ear upwards toward his mouth, as if I did ex∣pect Mahomets Pigeon: I would speak whiningly, and be ready to weep, and then wipe-mine eyes very painfully and indu∣striously from the tears which were not. Afterwards, I would conscientiously do my best endeavour, as your Ladyship fables it, to cheat him.

High.

And I would first stand aloof off, and strive to look paleas if I fear'd him, and send half a score of long-Legs before me: then would I move devoutly by little and little, every step should zignifie a man of Worship, towards him: I would no go close, but hold off, as if he were zome fine thing that had wrought false Miracles: I would look very simply and innocently, af∣ter the manner of us honest Countreymen, or like our countrey Lombs: I would scratch my head on this side and on the tother; as if I had a mind to dig up a nest of good words with my nails: And then, acting prettily with my right hand betwixt my mouth and my heart, I would say something which I neither meant nor understood; and cheat him purely.

Hyp.

Your Judgment of this, Pretty.

Pret.

'Tis pretty well, Madam.

Hyp.

Superlatively well: I my self could not soar higher. How would ye walk the streets in a City as this is? Have ye learn'd all your postures of Godliness, all your tra∣verses of Salutation, your pious Gestures of Reprehension, that ye may be thought ir∣reproveably holy, to be perform'd, as ye go, on every side?

Comp.

I would walk, salute, and repre∣hend thus.

Dem.

I after this manner.

High.

And I zo, in City and Coun∣trey.

Hyp.

Excellently! Ye all in your kinds, merit a Garland of Preferment. Pretty; In∣troduce my three Out-landers: If they have thriv'd as throughly, I am rich in Agents and

Exit Pretty.
Emissaries: I shall be able to delude the whole world: The Devil will hardly keep himself out of the Snare.

Enter Pretty, Mr. See Senior, a Spaniard, Mr. Signior See, an Italian; Monsieur Kickshaw, a Erenchman.

Mr. See Senior, my Spanish Scholar; Mr. Signior See, my pure Italy; and Mon∣sieur Kickshaw, my Scholar from France; My thoughts triumph in the Climax, to the top of which my English Scholars have ri∣sen: there wants but the other Wing on your side, and I fly.

See Sen.

Madam, See Senior will not be dropping or dropping on his part. I have learn'd exactly to kneel upon one Knee, and to draw part of my long Rapier in my publick Devotions, to signifie my readi∣ness to defend the truth: to praise the mild∣ness and modesty of the Inquisition, though it be cruel above the Gallies: to pretend fulness from a Bunch of Grapes, and a Clove of Garlick, beyond what all the va∣rieties of England afford. I often pray to the powers in Heaven, but I swear by them oftner. My heart is most zealous towards the She-Saints above; but I am yet more Page  7 servent towards the pretty hearts beneath, and if they fail, the Beast fals even to my desires. I more love the Image in holy things, than the Substance: I can be cruel to the raising of horrour and trembling in the hearers, as I have been in the Indies: and leave the Jesuits to colour and cover it with a godly reason; as somthing may be studied in the favour of all things, though never so barbarous and horrid: I can bring torturing whips for England in a Navy, and delegate the Jesuits to forge that I brought them to whip and discipline my self in the Raptures and Ecstasies of my Devotion: I am a true servant to the Jesuits in the pro∣motnig of their ends; but I falsly forget that the end should be good, and the acti∣on agreeable: I work mischief slowly, but surely: I shall perform incomparably more: Let this suffice to be spoken.

Sign. See.

Madam, you will not find me empty; a man so near the Fountain-head and so wax-like to the Impression of high things: I abound with all the possible garbs of Devotion, and with Bell-concep∣tos to garnish them: My Soul is enticed forth every day at my ears, and I am carri∣ed wholly out of my self, with the Musick of the Churches; but I direct little atten∣tion to the thing signified: I have a Serag∣lio of women in my thoughts: but the for Boy waits there as most delicious: May it please your Madam-ship; the Turk him∣self is not so frolick in this kind of Devoti∣on as I am. I stile my self much an admirer and honourer of the Jesuits: but for the ancient Father of the Society in the casa professa; he is the man in my breast: I dure let him loose to combate with the old De∣vil himself in Matchevelism: I own the holy Monuments of the good men in old time; and those are abundantly sufficient to save me: to the which I add a few dull and scanty Devotions; As, once in a hundred years I convert a Jew, and perhaps a whore when she is rotten, old, and past pleasure: I pass and repass many godly Legerde∣mains in the Inquisition; but I seldom con∣vert any there, except it be into ashes by fire: and if any man prevent me by death, I make a flame-offering of his car case, as I did of Spalato's in Campo di fiori; and that believe me, Madam, was a fat one, I had a godly English Friend, who came from England to Rome, the other day, and there mournfully complain'd with much of your spirit, that he had been horribly persecuted by the wild and savage English: and in the Rant of his Tavern-devotion, came head∣long down the Tavern Stairs, and broke his neck, beyond the skill of the Bone-set∣ter, & so his hypocritical mouth was stopt. It belongs to this Story, Madam, that a devout Spaniard came a while ago into Eng∣land with intention to convert it, as having heard that the people were wild, and liv'd in Woods, and Caves of the earth: but ar∣riving at Canterbury, and by most plain and manifold experience finding it otherwise, he fairly, but not softly, return'd from thence wiser than he came. Truly, Madam; we do hatch & patch together many preci∣ous & godly Stories in Italy, which though they be somwhat near to good ends, are very wide of truth; and yet good Ends must be fought by proportionable means, and Truth wants not the helping hand of Falshood to support it: I am your Vassal at hand to act the rest.

Mr. Kick.

Madam, I do not implunge my self over head and ears into Devotion; because as the Veretians and other high-mo∣ving and Eagle-wing'd Italians, I have a no∣ble part of the Atheist within me: but I can play the devout fool prettily and mo∣dishly at set times: And of all Nations, I do you most humble service, Madam. For, such a monstrous and long-sided: P〈…〉, Page  8 such a changeling and phantastical dress, such a Pedlars-pack of Ribbands, concur∣ring with an outward form of Devotion, is the top and top-gallant of Hypocrisie. Be∣sides, the modes and numberless number of Fashions, that never Flanders-Horse was sick of so many, in benevolous Conjunction with Godliness, pencil forth and give Hy∣pocrisie in her full splendor. Afterwards, the Complements a la mode de France, which multiply words beyond limit, and above Arithmetick, and recount to a Lady her both invisible and impossible Perfecti∣ons, when they meet in the same point with a scarlet Tincture of Piety, degenerate into perfect Hypocrisie. Madam, I pretend to Valour and a generous heart: and in∣deed, when I was a Boy in long coats, I rode upon a Bear, as our honorable custom is in Paris, led by the Bear-hood to my Fa∣thers Door; and thence it came, as the speech of the Vulgar goes, that I could ne∣ver be afraid afterwards of man or beast. And in Paris, the Captains of our Train'd Bands are for the greatest part Taylors, Ma∣dam, as I am, not only because they rode upon Bears when they were in Coats and bare behind, but also because they are nim∣ble at their weapon, and to put them in mind of going through-stitch with their work when they fight: And yet, I confess to you, Madam, that when I am well bea∣ten by a Spaniard or an Englishman, I cry Mon dieu, Mon dieu: and this is Hypocrisie too, though of a lower Orb. We plead all with one mouth against the Inquisition; but par ma Foy, we have a French Inquisiti∣on in Paris, otherwise call'd the Bastille, which is not parallel'd by either Italian or Spanish Inquisition: And is it not exalted and sublimated Hypocrisie, when we bear a superlative name near to him above the world, as if we were most abstracted from the world; and yet we teach the world, and all the Phantasmes and lying Legends of the world to all the world. Madam, I am old excellent in the practise of a singular vertue which the precise part of people call Lying: Indeed I can scarce tune my mouth to speak Truth: And I can swear such Oaths, as would blister an ordinary mans ears: I am very quick and pliable at steal∣ing: and then I can salve it, daub it, and guild it over with a Lye: To tell all, is be∣yond all my power: For the rest, I rest your Tres-humble and restless Serviteur, Monsieur Kickshaw, of Paris, Tay∣lor.

Hyp.

Europe is mine; the other three Parts are within my Verge: My hopes are high as the Firmament. My Servants, hom∣bred and forraign, are men of all hours, weigh all the moments and niceties of Po∣licy, know all the private Overtures and Inclinations of Opportunity, all the knacks of Hypocrisie; and are able to vie cunning with all the simple, lean, and fagg end of the world. Scholars and Friends; howso∣ever we must bear before us a plausible out-side, a fair Forehead of Carriage, a Gloss of Demeanour; yet inwardly, a∣mongst our selves, we may be free and jolly; and as the Brethren in private, turn Wine down by the Tayl into the belly of a fat Capon, at a Merchants Table, to compose good Sauce; in like manner, we may rejoyce at due times, with, in, and over the Creature. Let's have a Dance in the venturous aspirings of our Hopes, and the soarings of our present Joyes.

They Dance. After the Dance.
Prett.

Madam, I hear the motion of some approaching persons.

Hyp.

Let's withdraw.

Exeunt Omnes.