Clievelandi Vindiciæ, or, Clieveland's genuine poems, orations, epistles, &c. purged from the many false and spurious ones which had usurped his name, and from innumerable errours and corruptions in the true copies : to which are added many never printed before, with an account of the author's life.

The Character of a London-Diurnal.

A Diurnal is a puny Chronicle, scarce Pin-feather'd with the wings of Time. It is a History in Sippets: The English Ili∣ads in a Nutshel: The Apocryphal Parlia∣ment's Book of Maccabees in single sheets. It would tire a Welshman to reckon up how many Aps 'tis removed from an Annal: for it is of that Extract, only of the young∣er House, like a Shrimp to a Lobster. The Original Sinner in this kind was Dutch, Gallobelgicus the Protoplast, and the mo∣dern Mercuries but Hans-en-kelders. The Countess of Zealand was brought to bed of

an Almanack, as many Children as days in the year. It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Linage, so she spawns the Diurnals, and they at Westminster take them in Ado∣ption by the names of Scoticus, Civicus, Britannicus. In the Frontispiece of the old Beldam Diurnal, like the Contents of the Chapter, sitteth the House of Commons judging the twelve Tribes of Israel. You may call them the Kingdoms Anatomy be∣fore the weekly Kalendar; for such is a Diurnal, the day of the Month with what Weather in the Commonwealth. It is taken for the Pulse of the Body Politick, and the Emperick-Divines of the Assembly, those Spiritual Dragooners, thumb it according∣ly. Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis; and those Grave Rabbies (though in the point of Di∣vinity) trade in no larger Authors. The Country-carrier, when he buyes it for the Vicar, miscals it the Urinal; yet properly enough, for it casts the Water of the State ever since it staled Blood. It differs from an Aulicus, as the Devil and his Exorcist, or as a black Witch doth from a white one, whose office is to unravel her Enchant∣ments.

It begins usually with an Ordinance, which is a Law still-born, dropt before quickned by the Royal Assent. 'Tis one of

the Parliament's By-blows, Acts only be∣ing Legitimate, and hath no more Sire than a Spanish Gennet that is begotten by the Wind.

Thus their Militia, like its Patron Mars, is the Issue only of the Mother, without the Concourse of Royal Iupiter: Yet Law it is, if they Vote it, in defiance to their Fundamentals; like the old Sexton, who swore his Clock went true, whatever the Sun said to the contrary.

The next Ingredient of a Diurnal is Plots, horrible Plots, which with wonder∣ful Sagacity it hunts dry-foot, while they are yet in their Causes, before Materia pri∣ma can put on her Smock. How many such fits of the Mother have troubled the King∣dom; and for all Sir W. E. looks like a Man-Midwife, not yet delivered of so much as a Cushion? But Actors must have Pro∣pertie••; and since the Stages were voted down, the only Play-house is at West∣minster.

Suitable to their Plots are their Infor∣mers, Skippers and Taylors, Spaniels both for the Land and Water. Good conscio∣nable Intelligence! For however Pym's Bill may inflame the reckoning, the honest Vermine have not so much for Lying as the Publick Faith.

Thus a zealous Botcher in Moorfields, while he he was contriving some Quirpo∣cut of Church-Government, by the help of his outlying Ears and the Otacousticon of the Spirit, discovered such a Plot, that Selden intends to combat Antiquity, and maintain it was a Taylor's Goose that pre∣serv'd the Capitol.

I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-be-traytor'd, for deal∣ing with the Lions to settle the Com∣mission of Array in the Tower. It would do well to cramp the Articles dormant, besides the opportunity of reforming these Beasts of the Prerogative, and changing their profaner names of Harry and Charles into Nehemiah and Eleazar.

Suppose a Corn-cutter being to give little Isaac a cast of his Office should fall to pa∣ring his Brows (mistaking the one end for the other, because he branches at both) this would be a Plot, and the next Diur∣nal would furnish you with this Scale of Votes.

Resolv'd upon the Question, That this Act of the Corn-cutter was an absolute Invasion of the Cities Charter in the representative forehead of Isaac.

Resolv'd, That the evil Counsellours about the Corn-cutter are Popishly affected and Ene∣mies to the State.

Resolv'd, That there be a publick Thanks∣giving for the great deliverance of Isaac's Brow-antlers; and a solemn Covenant drawn up to defie the Corn cutter and all his Works.

Thus the Quixots of this Age fight with the Windmils of their own heads, quell Monsters of their own Creation, make Plots, and then discover them; as who fitter to unkennel the Fox than the Tarrier that is part of him?

In the third place march their Adven∣tures; the Roundheads Legend, the Rebels Romance; Stories of a larger size, than the Ears of their Sect, able to strangle the Belief of a Solifidian.

I'll present them in their order. And first as a Whifler before the show enter Stamford, one that trod the Stage with the first, travers'd his ground, made a Leg and Exit. The Country people took him for one that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Morrice through the West of Eng∣land. Well, he's a nimble Gentleman; set him upon Banks his Horse in a Saddle rampant, and it is a great question which part of the Centau••e shows better tricks.

There was a Vote passing to translate him with all his Equipage into Monumen∣tal Gingerbread; but it was crossed by the female Committee, alledging that the Va∣lour

of his Image would bite their Chil∣dren by the Tongues.

This Cubit and half of Commander, by the help of a Diurnal routed his Enemies fifty miles off. It's strange you'll say, and yet 'tis generally believ'd he would as soon do it at that distance as nearer hand. Sure it was his Sword for which the Weapon∣salve was invented; that so wounding and healing (like loving Correlates) might both work at the same removes. But the Squib is run to the end of the Rope: Room for the Prodigy of Valour. Madam Atropos in Breeches, Waller's Knight-errantry; and because every Mountebank must have his Zany, throw him in Hazlerig to set off his Story. These two, like Bel and the Dra∣gon, are always worshipped in the same Chapter; they hunt in couples, what one doth at the head, the other scores up at the heels.

Thus they kill a man over and over, as Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalms with another of the same; one chimes all in, and then the other strikes up as the Saints-Bell.

I wonder for how many Lives my Lord Hopton took the Lease of his Body.

First Stamford slew him, then Waller outkill'd that half a Barr; and yet it is

thought the sullen Corps would scarce bleed were both these Manslayers never so near it.

The same goes of a Dutch Headsman, that he would do his office with so much ease & dexterity, that the Head after Execu∣tion should stand upon the Shoulders. Pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place; for as if he had the like knack too, most of those whom the Diurnal hath slain for him, to us poor Mortals seem untoucht.

Thus these Artificers of death can kill the Man without wounding the Body, like Lightning, that melts the Sword and never singes the Scaberd.

This is the William whose Lady is the Conquerour; This is the City's Cham∣pion and the Diurnals delight; he that Cuckolds the General in his Commis∣sion; for he stalks with Essex, and shoots under his belly, because his Excellency himself is not charged there; yet in all this triumph there is a Whip and a Bell; trans∣late but the Scene to Roundway Down, there Hazelrig's Lobsters turned Crabs and craw∣led backwards; there poor Sir William ran to his Lady for an use of Consolation. But the Diurnal is weary of the arm of flesh, and now begins an Hosanna to Cromwel; one that hath beat up his Drums clean through

the Old Testament; you may learn the Genealogy of our Saviour by the names in his Regiment: the Muster-master uses no other List but the first Chapter of Matthew.

With what face can they object to the King the bringing in of Foreigners, when themselves entertain such an Army of He∣brews? This Cromwel is never so valorous as when he is making Speeches for the As∣sociation; which nevertheless he doth somewhat ominously with his Neck awry, holding up his ear as if he expected Maho∣met's Pigeon to come and prompt him. He should be a Bird of Prey too by his bloody Beak: His Nose is able to try a young Ea∣gle, whether she be lawfully begotten. But all is not Gold that gli••ters. What we wonder at in the rest of them is natural to him, to kill without Bloodshed; for the most of his Trophies are in a Church win∣dow, when a Looking glass would shew him more Superstition. He is so perfect a hater of Images, that he hath defaced God's in his own Countenance. If he deals with men, 'tis when he takes them napping in an old Monument▪ then down goes Dust and A••hes, and the stoutest Cavalier is no better. O brave Oliver! Time's Voyder, Subsizer to the Worms▪ in whom Death, who formerly devoured our Ancestors, now

chews the cud. He said Grace once as if he would have fallen aboard with the Marquess of Newcastle; nay and the Diur∣nal gave you his Bill of fare; but it proved a running banquet, as appears by the Story. Believe him as he whistles to his Cambridge-Teem of Committee-men, and he doth wonders. But holy Men, like the holy Language, must be read backwards. They rifle Colleges to promote Learning, and pull down Churches for Edification. But Sacrilege is entail'd upon him. There must be a Cromwel for Cathedrals as well as Abbeys; a secure sin, whose offence carries its pardon in its mouth: for how shall he be hang'd for Church-robbery, that gives himself the benefit of the Clergy?

But for all Cromwel's Nose wears the Do∣minical Letter, compar'd to Manchester, he is but like the Vigils to an Holy day. This, this is the Man of God, so sanctified a Thunderbolt, that Burroughs (in a pro∣portionable Blasphemy to his Lord of Hosts) would style him the Archangel giv∣ing battel to the Devil.

Indeed as the Angels each of them makes a several Species; so every one of his Soldiers makes a distinct Church. Had these Beasts been to enter into the Ark, it would have puzzled Noah to have sorted

them into pairs. If ever there were a Rope of Sand, it was so many Sects twisted into an Association.

They agree in nothing but that they are all Adamites in understanding. It is a sign of a Coward to wink and sight, yet all their Valour proceeds from their Igno∣rance.

But I wonder whence their General's purity proceeds; it is not by Traduction: if he was begotten a Saint it was by equi∣vocal Generation; for the Devil in the Father is turn'd Monk in the Son, so his Godliness is of the same Parentage with good Laws, both extracted out of bad manners; and would he alter the Scripture, as he hath attempted the Creed, he might vary the Text, and say to Corruption, Thou art my Father.

This is he that put out one of the King∣dom's Eyes by clouding our Mother Uni∣versity; and (if this Scotch Mist farther prevail) he will extinguish the other. He hath the like quarrel to both because both are strung with the same Optick Nerve, Knowing Loyalty.

Barbarous Rebel! who will be reveng'd upon all Learning, because his Treason is beyond the Mercy of the Book.

The Diurnal as yet hath not talk'd much

of his Victories, but there is the more be∣hind; for the Knight must always beat the Giant, that's resolv'd.

If any thing fall out amiss which cannot be smother'd, the Diurnal hath a help at maw. It is but putting to Sea and taking a Danish Fleet, or brewing it with some suc∣cess out of Ireland, and then it goes down merrily.

There are more Puppets that move by the wyre of a Diurnal, as Brereton and Gell, two of Mars his Petty-toes, such snive∣ling Cowards, that it is a favour to call them so. Was Brereton to fight with his Teeth (as in all other things he resembles the Beast) he would have odds of any man at the weapon. O he's a terrible Slaughter-man at a Thanksgiving Dinner! Had he been cannibal to have eaten those that he vanguish'd, his Gut would have made him valiant.

The greatest wonder is at Fairfax, how he comes to be a Babe of Grace, certainly it is not in his personal, but (as the State-Sophies distinguish) in his Politick Capa∣city; regenerate ab extra by the Zeal of the House he sate in, as Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cairo by the Adoption of an Oven.

There is the Woodmonger too, a feeble

Crutch to a declining Cause; a new Branch of the old Oak of Reformation.

And now I speak of Reformation, Vous avez, Fox the Tinker, the liveliest Emblem of it that may be: for what did this Par∣liament ever go about to reform, but Tinkerwise, in mending one hole they made Three?

But I have not Ink enough to cure all the Tetters and Ringworms of the State.

I will close up all thus. The Victories of the Rebels are like the Magical Com∣bat of Apule••us, who thinking he had slain three of his Enemies, found them at last but a Triumvirate of Bladders. Such, and so empty are the Triumphs of a Diurnal, but so many Impostumated Phancies, so many Bladders of their own blowing.