Physick lies a bleeding, or, The apothecary turned doctor a comedy, acted every day in most apothecaries shops in London : and more especially to be seen by those who are willing to be cheated, the first of April, every year : absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick, or may be sick / by Tho. Brown.

Physick lies a Bleeding, OR The Apothecary turn'd Doctor, &c.

ACT I. SCENE I.

Enter Dr. Galen and Trueman.

Trueman.

DOctor, Good Morrow, What News do you hear about the Plot? who are taken up? who are Evidences? are there any Persons of Qua∣lity concern'd in it, d'ye hear?

Dr. Galen.

I mind no Plots not I, but a Plot to get good store of Patients, if I can, but I think they never were so Healthy.

Tr.

So, what? you seem to speak a little concern'd, and look as if something had vexed you, what's the Matter Doctor?

Dr. Matter?

Let me tell you, Mr. Trueman, I have been a Physician in London almost Forty Years, and I never knew so little Business to do in all my Life-Time. 'Tis a Damnable Healthy Town grown since I knew it first. I have known the Time when I could go out and pick up 10 or 12 l. in a Morning, come Home to Dinner and empty'd, so out again after to Reple∣nish.

But I am sure the Times now are so hard that if my good Father had not conveniently step'd aside, I could no more have brag'd of living by my Wit, as some Men do, than the D—s of N—can of her Chastity.

Tr.

Pray Doctor, not too severe. Why Damnable Healthy? Do you wish the Nation a Plague, or an Epidemick Sickness, purely to promote your own private Interest? Such Expressions, methinks, become not Men of your Education, nor indeed sa∣vour much of Religion.

Dr.

What do you talk of that to a Physician? I thought you had known the World better than so. Is not every Body for their own Interest, be Religion what it will? Do's not the greatest Pretenders to Holiness cheat with Yea, and Nay, as oft (if not oftner) as he that says Dam me it cost me so much, when he knows that he Lies at the same time he Swears? and all this to promote a Trade. All the Excuse being, a Man must live, Customers always expect some Abatement of what we ask. Nay I have known an Apothecary set down 4 s. 6 d. for a Spe∣cifick Bolus, when it has been about a Farthing-worth of Crabs-Eyes in a little London-Treacle.

Tr.

Ay, Doctor, that may be. That's 4 s. for the Word Spe∣cifick, and 6 d. for the Bolus. Pretty cheap on my Word. But this is not to the purpose to explain what you mean by Dam∣nable Healthy.

Dr.

Why, Sir, are you always teazing me to explain my meaning? Then if you will have it, I'll tell you. You know that every Body wishes well to themselves; now Health is the greatest Enemy to our Interest and Profit that can be.

Tr.

But ye take care sometimes to subdue that Enemy of yours, I believe.

Dr.

Good Mr. Trueman don't make Reflections upon our Profession, when the Apothecaries after a long Siege have bat∣ter'd down the Walls, then the World says we destroy'd the Town; what reason is there in this?

Tr.

Troth very little, I confess, if it be so; but however I hope, Doctor, you won't be angry at a Jest.

Dr.

No, no. But to go on. I call that Damnable Health (thô I know it bears another Sense) when the Sickness is not great enough to require the skill of a Physician, but every igno∣rant Apothecary assumes the Cure, and pretends to know more than the learned'st Physician of us all.

Tr.

What then, you would not have the Apothecaries reco∣ver Peoples Health? Would you?

Dr.

Yes, but I would, by all means, only let 'um do their part in their own Sphere, and within their own Limits or Bounds. For when Men have no lawful Authority to Act, that Action may be call'd Damnable, that is, such an Action as may justly be condemned by all Wise-men. Now 'tis plain that the A∣pothecaries have no lawful Commission to do what they do of∣ten, and consequently they may be justly condemn'd for doing such an Action. So that if the Patient dies under such an one's Hands, the Law judges him a bold Empyrick; and all Men of Reason, the Patient a Fool, especially if he were able to pay.

Tr.

Nay, Doctor, now you are grown Grave. We will let this Nicety of examining Words alone; I see you are angry with the Apothecaries for invading your Province. However, you have one Comfort left that your Good Father Broke, and left you an Estate.

Dr.

Broke, Sir? how d'ye mean?

Tr.

How; why did not you say just now, had not your Good Father step'd aside. What's that but broke? And so compoun∣ded his Debts to support you with the Cheat.

Dr.

Truly Mr. Trueman you run a little too fast now. When I said my Father step'd Aside, I meant, into his Grave, and left me some Estate.

Tr.

O, Sir, I beg your Pardon, I thought you had meant otherwise, because I hear all your whole Estate is mortgag'd to pay the old Knights Heir some Thousand's o' Pounds.

Dr.

What he has on my Estate, I'll not tell you; but I can tell you that he has no more on it than what I am able to pay, thô perhaps more than I am willing at the rate of such unrea∣sonable Demands. Come let's talk no more of that, we had Rogues and Knaves for our Ancestors, who brought us in Debt, that's all can be said. You know the old Proverb, Happy is that Family that has no Whores or Rogues belonging to it.

[Tom Gallypot peeps in, with a Glyster-Pipe in one Hand, and a Cordial Bolus in t'other.]

Tr.

Come in, Come in, we were no sooner talking of Rogues but enters an Apothecary: Prethee, Tom, where hast been that thou com'st with the Accoutrements of thy Pro∣fession thus?

Tom G.

Truly, Sir, I have been at your House; your Lady was not very well to Day, and she sent for me to—to—to— Canonade her Posteriors: You know by my Instrument what I have been doing. And now I have done that, I have prescri∣bed a Specifick Bolus for her to take after it.

Tr.

A Pox of your Specifick Bolus, and You. My Wife is never well but when she's taking Physick, I think. Prithee, Mr. Gallypot, what will be the Charges of this Morning's work?

Gallyp.

O, Sir, but little, you never stand upon that I am sure for your Ladies good; she must also have a Pearl Julep, and an Anodyne Draught: and then I hope she'll be very speedily well again.

Tr.

A Pox had you with your cramp Names. Tell me what all this will cost? I am sure I left her well not above an Hour ago.

Gallyp.

[Starts back.] Good Sir, be not so unreasonably Pas∣sionate, and I'll tell you. Sir, The Pearl Julep will be Six Shillings Eight Pence; Pearls being dear since our Clipt Mo∣ney was current. The Specifick Bolus 4 s. and 6 d. I never reckon less; my Master in Leadenhall-street never set down less, be it what it would. The Antihysterick Glyster, 3 s.

and 6 d. (a Common One is but 2 s. 6 d.) and the Anodyne Draught 3 s. 4 d. That's all, Sir, a small matter and please you, Sir, for your Lady. My Fee is what you please Sir. All the Bill is but Eighteen Shillings.

Tr.

Very fine, I'faith, d'ye make a But at it? I do suppose to be Genteel, I must give you a Crown.

Gallyp.

If your Worship please; I take it to be a fair, and an honest Bill.

Tr.

Do you so indeed? But I wish you had call'd a Doctor, perhaps he would have advised her to have forbore taking any thing, as yet at least, so I had saved 13 s. in my Pocket.

Gallyp.

O Sir, call a Doctor; we never do that, at least very, rarely till we have done all we can with the Patients: And when we can't tell what to do with 'um, then we oblige a Doctor and call him in.

Dr.

Very fairly confessed, Mr. Gallypot, I believe you never spoke a truer Thing in your Life. I am glad to hear your Con∣fession to Mr. Trueman; and am very sorry the State do's not think fit to handle you a little for your unreasonable Practices. I see you have Impudence enough to demand a Fee too, but do wonder you should do it before my Face.

Gallyp.

Truly, Doctor, I did not mind you. However, I hope, I may take what Gentlemen please to give me.

Dr.

Pleased to give you? Faith, I am ashamed to see Gentlemen so imposed upon by ye Mrs. Doctors.

Gallyp.

Troth, Doctor, that was a Lucky Thought of yours, we are but Mrs. thô they commonly call us Doctors. And now you put me in mind of it, ha'nt you seen my Paper, set out March 2, 1695? wherein I make above half the College of Physicians Masters, thô they are call'd Doctors among them∣selves?

Tr.

How! Mr. Gallypot; How do you do that? That's a Trick and an half, pray let's know it.

Gallyp.

O Lord, Mr. Trueman, can't you guess how? If the Doctor pleases, I'll tell you immediately.

Dr.

With all my Heart, if you make it out, I believe you will be a Man of admirable Sagacity.

Tr.

Faith so you will, for I can't readily guess, thô I am sometime as good at guessing as another, if you can prove that they are no Doctors, who have taken Degrees in the Universities, then you'll certainly be in the right.

Gallyp.

Prove? I can infallibly prove more than that if I once undertake it. You must know that I own none to be Doctors but those who have regularly done their Exercises for Physick in one of our Universities; that's plain. But hold a lit∣tle, here's my Brother Pestle of King-street coming in, he can be a Witness of the whole. I Gad, I have so ferreted and humbled 'um, that I'll spoil their Association against the Apo∣thecaries; for they have Associated by the Names of Doctors, and I'll prove above half of 'um to be but Masters at best.

[Enter Lancet Pestle, with a Plaister-Box in his Hand.]

Brother Pestle, I am glad you are come in, in this nick of time; I was just a telling Mr. Trueman how I have humbled the College of Physicians, has'nt thee read my Paper of Queries I put out March 2, 1695? Do'st not see how smartly and finely I jerk 'um? Hey.

Pestle.

Ay Brother, I must needs say you have done your part very handsomely, thô I don't hear any Body took much Notice of what you said.

Gallyp.

True, that may be. And do'sn't that show their want of Understanding the more? None but a Block-head would slight such smart Reflections. O that I could think of a short Saying in the Classicks relating to this Matter. I vow 'twas a smart one, I remember it in English.

Tr.

What was it Mr. Gallypot? can't I help you out? what did it relate too?

Gallyp.

'Tis a Saying in Latin, all which I have now almost forgot, except Physick-Latin; I remember 'twas a piece of a Verse out of Tacitus, or Suetonius, I can't tell which.

Tr.

Come, come, Mr. Gallypot, let your two Poets alone, perhaps you may think of Ovid, or Horace.

Gallyp.

Ay really so 'twas, but 'tis a long while ago, so I had forgot their Names on a sudden.

Tr.

What! perhaps it was. Pudet haec opprobria nobis, & dici potuisse, & non potuisse refelli.

Gallyp.

I troth that's the very Saying. I thank you that you have help'd me out. Now is that not plain to the purpose? Horace was a fine Fellow, I vow he was Mr. Trueman. Thô I don't well know whether Ovid, or he said it; yet they were both fine Fellows.

Pestle.

Ay so they were, I believe, Brother. But I am in haste, and must go to blood an Eminent Citizen in Tower∣street. So, I am in haste.

Tr.

Hold a little, Mr. Pestle, one Word with you before you go. Blood, Mr. Pestle! I thought you had been an Appren∣tice to an Apothecary.

Pestle.

So I was, Sir, but I thank God, and my own Indu∣stry, I have by my Diligence perfectly acquired the whole Knowledg of Surgery. I Phlebotomize as well as the best Sur∣geon in London, thô I say it that should not say it. I'll tell you how I came to be so dextrous in performing that Opera∣tion in particular.

Tr.

Well now am I fairly hope up, between two of ye, one endeavouring to prove all his Doctors to be Masters, and t'other showing his dexterity in Phlebotomizing, as he calls it. What a Pox, were not both of ye bred Apothecaries?

Gallyp. and Pestle.

Sir, pray be not so passionate. Yes we were both of us bred Apothecaries. But Knowledg—

Enter Messenger.

Mess.

Is Dr. Pestle here?

Pestle.

Yes he is. What d'ye come from Sir Thomas in Tow∣er-street? What do's he want to be let blood immediately?

Mess.

Yes, Sir, he do's, and stays for you.

Pestle.

Good Lad, Well, I'll come presently. [Exit. Messeng.] Now I know he will be blooded by no Body else; I have per∣swaded him that all the Surgeons are Blunderers, as to Bleeding. Sir Thomas is a Good-natur'd Gentleman. He believes that no Body understands the curing a Disease, or an Ulcer, or in∣deed any Thing, but an Apothecary. Faith he is one of the honestest Gentlemen in England.

Tr.

You make him a fine Gentleman indeed. Honest! For no other reason as I see but because he suffers himself to be made a Fool of by such as you.

Pestle.

But, Mr. Trueman, assure your self, he's a Man of very good Sense: All the Apothecaries in Town say so, and then I am sure it must be true. He pays well, and takes Physick free∣ly; besides I particularly know his Constitution: after Bleed∣ing he must take a Purge or two, then some Cordial Powders, Dulcifiers of the Blood, and two or three odd Things more, But as I was saying, this Sir Thomas has a Vein as fine, and as small as the finest Silk you can imagine: I'll tell you what I did to learn to let him Blood, I took a fine, nay super-fine Cobweb, and pick'd out of it one of the smallest Filaments, or Threads I could find: This Filament or Thread of the Cobweb, as I told you, I lay upon a convenient place, as I remember upon a piece of white Paper, then I took my Lancet, and without the least Hesitation, divided it soquickly, all the whole length, to the great Admiration of the Standers by, that—

Tr.

This was very admirable indeed, and almost like the Virtuoso's learning first to swim on a Table in order to swim in the Water. But suppose this true, do's this make you a com∣pleat Surgeon, so as to undertake the Cure of any Ulcer, or Wound?

Pestle.

Puh! Mr. Trueman, I tell you 'tis an easy thing for a Man of Parts to be a Surgeon; do but buy a Lancet, For∣ceps, Saw; talk a little of Contusions, Fractures, Compress and Bandage: You'll presently, by most people, be thought an

Excellent Surgeon. Especially—d'ye mind me—Lord, you Nod, methinks, as if you were Sleepy:

Tr.

O, Sir, I hear you: But I sate up late last Night, and am a little Drowsy. But I heard you say you were a Man of Parts, I think, and that you had two Familiar Acquaintance Compress and Bandage: I grant it, Sir, (rubbing his Eyes) but still how do's this make you a Surgeon? You may as well say my keeping Company with a Bishop may make me a good Divine.

Pestle.

Alas! poor Gentleman, I find you did not sleep well last Night. Hah! Hah! I can't but laugh at your Mistake. My two Acquaintance! Hah! Hah! Hah! a pretty Mistake!— but true enough: For a Man must be acquainted with his Bu∣siness indeed; now Compress and Bandage being a part of it, you may term them my Familiar Acquaintance, if you please, Mr. Trueman.—Lord, I think the Devil's in you for Drow∣siness, and Gaping.

Tr.

Pray, Mr. Pestle, pray say something then that may di∣vert me and keep me awake, for I protest to hear you talk of skill in Surgery will never do; for my part I am for employ∣ing every Man in his own way, the Doctor for Advice, the Apothecary for Medicines, and the Surgeon for Wounds, &c.

Pestle.

Now, how you are mistaken again, don't you think that one Man, being an Apothecary, may understand perfect∣ly and thorowly all three parts?

Tr.

O, Sir, being an Apothecary indeed he may understand ve∣ry much, as you say, especially if he be a Man of great Learning.

Pestle.

Learning? That signifies but little in this Age, nor (I thank our kind Stars) had ever less Encouragement; if you but profess your self an Apothecary, and then undertake any thing whatever, (as we dare do) no body questions but that you are an Able Doctor, and a Good Surgeon, at any time.

Tr.

Very fine, on my Word; and do you think the World so blind as to believe it?

Pestle.

Faith, Mr. Trueman, they generally are. I my self have turn'd out several Doctors out of Families, because they would not prescribe Physick plentifully, and in large Quantities. I have perswaded my Patients, that they did not well under∣stand their Distemper; so have brought in another who has swingingly dos'd 'um. I could tell you of a Sir Harry that paid an 100 l. for Physick in six Weeks, and I accepted it, being a Friend, without requiring one Penny for my own Fees.—You don't know the Mystery of Trade.

Tr.

In plain English, I know not what you call Mystery, but I now know the Roguery of that Doctor and you too. What an 100 l. in 6 Weeks? Bless me, what did she take? I believe she swallow'd Guinea's made into Bullets for the Gripes, so discharg'd 'um again for the Gold-finders. For I hear Guineas are grown so cheap that Ladies begin to think that they can take them cheaper than Apothecaries Do∣ses.

Pestle.

O Abominable! Do'st hear Brother Gallypot? I pro∣test, Mr. Trueman, you scan Peoples Actions too narrowly. Wou'dn't you have us live?

Tr.

The same Question may be as well ask'd by an High∣way-man, or a Pick-pocket. Live upon honest Gains, come do, and then it will wear well.

Pestle.

Well, Sir, I go to Sir Thomas, and wait on you again presently.

[Exit

Tr.

Nay, if you must be gone, e'en let's all go for the pre∣sent, and discourse the rest over to Morrow.

[Exeunt Omnes.

ACT II. SCENE II.

Being the Representation of several Apothecaries, weighing Rich Mens Brains in their Scales, by Scruples.

Enter Dr. J. Galen and Trueman.

Dr.

MR. Trueman, methinks 'twas a pretty Diversion ye∣sterday, to hear the Apothecary brag of his Skill in Surgery and Physick; I could not imagine what he had to set up with, but a large stock of Impudence: I know all his Me∣dicines in his Shop did not cost above Fifty Pound, and in Six Weeks Time has he made an hundred Pound of one part of it? Such Reflections as these wou'd make a Man burn his Books, and curse the Gentility of his Education. It seems indeed wonder to me, that so many Gentlemen who serve in Parlia∣ment, and have oft-times many Younger Sons to provide for, do not find out a way to suppress these griping Empyricks, and Quacks, that their Children may be the better able to support themselves in a Genteel Profession, answerable to the Expence they have been at in their Education. In troth 'tis a thing worthy Consideration.

Tr.

Truly, Doctor, I am of your Opinion, but in such Points our English Gentlemen of what Sect soever are generally of the same Temper with those they call Church of England-Men, that is, lazy and slow in prosecuting a Publick Interest, but active enough to promote their own private Advantage. And this, to give you but one Instance, is evident enough in the Choice of a Parliament-Man, where the active Dissenter generally gets the Day, because the lazy Church-Man won't stir to manage a

Publick Cause and choose honest Representatives, tho' his own private Interest may be often promoted by the assistance of such a Publick Friend.

Dr.

We have an English Saying that do's a great deal of Mischief, which is this, That which is every Bodies Business is no Bodies Business. Therefore I wonder that the College of Phy∣sicians don't petition the Parliament for a Remedy in this Case, and make it their particular Business.

Enter Tom Gally pot hastily.

T. Gallyp.

College of Physicians! What of them? by your leave, Doctor, I think the Company of Apothecaries very Substantial Men, and are able to buy twice your College. They are Monyed-Men; and have an Interest almost every where. College of Physicians! they are Learn'd Men they say, but what's that to Money? Hah! Hah! Hah!.

Dr.

Look you, Mr. Trueman, I suppose you know this Gen∣tleman is an Apothecary by his Carriage, and rude Beha∣viour.

Tr.

Know him, Doctor? Ay very well, but I suppose he has been taking a large Whet this Morning.

Gallyp.

No, Sir, but I ha'n't, I understand the regulating my Health better than so; I that have practis'd Physick now near 30 Years know better things than Whets, as you call 'um.

Tr.

Nay, Tom, if thee wou'lt have no Excuse made for thy Uncivility, I have done. Then for ought I know Impudence is as necessary an Ingredient to an Apothecary, as Sugar of Pearl for your Pearl Cordials, with a Pox.

Gallyp.

Sir, you are my Patient, so you may say what you please. But saving the Doctor's Presence, I hope you remem∣ber what I said yesterday about my Paper that I put out March 2, 1695. wherein I cut out half the College from being Doctors.

Dr.

I have no Patience to hear this Fellow's prating.

Tr.

Nay, but prethee Doctor, stay a little longer.

Dr.

I beg your Excuse, I'll wait on you to Morrow.

[Exit.

Gallyp.

Ho! I know he wou'd'nt stay to hear my Reasons a∣gainst their worthy Society.

Tr.

Nor indeed do I desire it. But if I must of necessity hear them, prethee put me out of Pain as soon as you can.

T. Gallyp.

Why I'll tell you now. Some of them took their Degrees at Leyden, some at Padua, some at Vtrecht, some in Scotland, others incorporated at Cambridg, or Commenced Doctors, as an Honour conferred on them, being in the Retinue of some Great Person, as Ambassador, &c. Now all these in reality are no Doctors; and consequently every Member of the College that is such cannot rightly be called Doctor.

Tr.

Why not, good Mr. Gallypot, is not a Doctor of Physick bred in Foreign Universities as much a Doctor as one bred at our Universities? As to their Titles I see no Difference.

Gallyp.

But I hope you will allow it to be more Honourable to be educated regularly in one of our own Universities, and so Commence Doctor in One's Turn.

Tr.

Suppose that were so, yet I hope they are Doctors still?

Gallyp.

But, Sir, I say they are not properly Doctors. For then an Apothecary, or Farrier may go to Leyden a Year or two, come afterwards to that free and unquestioning University of Cambridg to be dubb'd Doctor, and straightway be admitted into the College of Physicians.

Tr.

I suppose you mean by properly Doctors, such Qualifica∣tions as you require, they want. Else I should (as in other Cases) think they were properly so. For a Church is properly a Church, so and so Built, and Consecrated. And a Logger-head arguing very silly is properly a Logger-head. Besides I doubt such Remarks come Home upon your Self.

Gallyp.

Well, Sir, then let's bar Reflections, e'en let it be so as you say. Come, I hate arguing. But let me tell you un∣der the Rose, I can write a Prescription as well as any of 'um all,

I learn'd that the first thing I did, by reading Doctors Bills in my Shop.

Tr.

So, I am glad I have brought you to a good Temper: And I do believe you had better been an Apothecary still. For to speak properly, as you call it, you are a Mr. Doctor, or Dr, Master, which you please. But enough, hold, who is that coming hither so gravely? what's his Name?

Enter Retorto Spatula d' Ulceroso.

Gallyp.

I can't call him readily to my mind, but I know him very well by Sight. I use to meet him at Apothecaries-Hall.

Tr.

Sir, your Humble Servant. Pray, don't you belong to the Spanish Ambassador?

Retorto.

[Stroaking his Whiskers] No, Sir, but I am an Ita∣lian born, my Name is Retorto Spatula d' Vlceroso; I was bred in Italy what you call an Apothecary, by which I attained to the Knowledg of Physick, both the Theoretick and Practick part: I also exercise the Art of Chyrurgery, as Scarrifying, Cupping, Stupes, Rollers, and Bandage, &c. Besides, I can by Chymi∣stry extract the Quintessence of the Four Elements, and tame the Red Dragon: and in fine, I can make up a Cordial, Bolus, or Pills, according to the best mode in Foreign Countries, as you may see in my Shop in—lane.

Tr.

Hold, Sir, not too fast; after all with your hard Names, I believe you are bred an Outlandish Apothecary; and they, forsooth, make up things far better than our English Apotheca∣ries do theirs.

Retort.

O, Sir, infinitely better, in my Shop I should be ashamed if my Pills look'd not like true Gold; tho' but gilt, my Bolus's are put up all in gilt Paper, cut in fine Shapes and Figures: a Quire costs me 5 s. the cutting; besides the Paper is pure Venice-Paper: My Cordials are all put into Venice-Vials, &c. and all this Alamodo d' Italiano, to make the Physick taste the better, work the better, and look the better. O fine Italians!

Tr.

Now you say something, look the better; but to taste the better, or work the better, I don't well understand. Will a Vomit work the better for being in a fine Venice-Glass? I think a little Nastiness for a Vomit makes it work the better. I knew a Doctor that used to stir it with his Finger, before he gave it, to make it nauseate the more.

Retort.

O, Sir, that be very unhandsome. No English-man can do so finely as I can.

Tr.

Then I must beg your Pardon, I believe they can all do as well as you pretend; but I should look on it as a needless piece of Foppery if they all should do as you do. And I am sure the Patient must pay more Sawce for his Medicines.

Retort.

O, Sir, that's very true; a good Cook will be well pay'd for his Sawce, you know Sir.

Tr.

A Pox, but this is paying Sawce for the use of Dishes, like a young Oxford-Scholar's Treat, if he spends Five Pound in Meat, 'tis odds but he pays 3 or 4 l. for the use of Dishes and Linen.

Retort.

Sir, notwithstanding all this, I never reckon for a little Bolus above 11 or 12 s. made of very good Diascordium, very good Gascoin-Powder, and a little Pearl.

Tr.

No, on my Word that's mighty kind, to take not above 12 s. for all your fine Dressing, and a Groats-worth of Medi∣cines. And do you take any Apprentices?

Retorto.

Yes, Sir, I do, for about 100 l. a Lad.

Tr.

Faith, and very well worth it too, and a great deal of Money saved, if you teach him all your Trades; for the De∣vils in't if one don't hit. For the Education of a Son to be a regular Doctor is reputed 1000 l. Charge at long run. Any Surgeon of Note will have 120 l. or more, an Apothecary 50 l. or more; a Chymist perhaps as mnch. Now if you will teach my Son all these Arts and Sciences, I think I have a very good Bargain.

Retort.

I'll certainly do it Sir, never doubt it.

Tr.

Well, agreed: I'll send my Eldest Son to you, and when he is out of his Time, I'll bind all his Younger Brothers to him, so each will have 4 Trades or Callings, won't they Mr. Retorto?

Retort.

D'ye doubt it? I thought you had known an Apo∣thecary better than to disbelieve him in his own Calling. Nay, Sir, to be free with you, I'll teach you how to multiply Medi∣cines so fast upon a Patient, that in a Weeks time he shall get ten Pound in some Cases, when the Doctor shan't get above 20s.

Tr.

That's a rare Art indeed, then I suppose you must at∣tack your Patient with a Quadripartite Army of Medicines drawn from all Quarters of your four Sciences.

Retort.

I can do it, and will; and if you don't think this enough, here's my Brother Comprehensive a coming.

[Enter Comprehensive.]

He can besides this teach him to make all sorts of Sweet-Meats, buy and sell Drugs, distil all sorts of Strong-Waters; nay cut Corns for a need to Persons of Quality.

Tr.

O, Sir, then he is a Corn-cutter only to Persons of Quality.

Retort.

No, not unless he pleases.

Tr.

Nor any thing else, unless he pleases. However, I am content my Son shall only learn your four Arts, or Sciences, as you call them. I think that's enough for One, especially if he learn throughly the last, that is, to multiply Medicines so as to get Ten Pounds to the Doctor's Twenty Shillings.

Retort.

That, assure your Self, I'll teach him perfectly: For all the Apothecaries in Town now understand it pretty well; and, I think, I understand it exceeding well.

Tr.

Well, Sir, I thank you for your Kindness; but I'll see ye all at the Devil first, to learn how to swallow Assafoetida, before ye shall have the Education of my Son. I think, if it be possible, ye have less Honesty than a Lawyer that has but one Cause in a Year to keep him, and his Family, out of—

Compreh.

Sir, by your leave, this is not fit Language for a Gentleman Apothecary to bear: He's a Brother of the Quill, and an honest Man, I'll justify it. He was Master of the Com∣pany not long ago.

Tr.

That may be, and never the honester Man, if he teaches his Apprentices that Cheat. But, by your leave, I suppose you are an Apothecary too by your Talk. Pray, what may I call your Name?

Compreh.

My Name, Sir, is Iack Comprehensive, originally a North Country-man, and Brother Apothecary to this Worthy Gentleman, Mr. Retorto Spatula d' Vlceroso, Apothecary, Sur∣geon, Chymist and Doctor.

Tr.

Ay, Sir, his Titles I knew before; and pray, Sir, how many have you?

Compreh.

Sir, I am, in short, generally call'd Doctor only, but I also profess my self a Surgeon: An Apothecary, I should have said first, then Surgeon, Chymist, Druggist, Confectio∣ner, Distiller, &c. And, to Persons of Quality, Corn-Cutter. And—

Tr.

Hold, Sir, pray a little, 'till—I'll take out my Table-Book, lest I should miscal you, and not give you your right Title.

Compreh.

O, Sir, no matter, Sir, to give your Self that Trouble; I answer to any one of them.

Tr.

Sir, I am glad you do, for fear of giving Offence. Then pray, Mr. Corn Cutter of Quality (that was the last Title I heard) tell me, since you have so many Trades, which of all these were you bound to first? Or were you bound to 'um all at once?

Compreh.

Corn-Cutter of Quality! What, could you pick out none but that? I told you I was usually call'd Doctor, and nothing else. I won't tell you what Trade I was bound to. One would think you had Sense enough to guess I was an Apothecary.

Tr.

Good Sir, pray don't be so angry. How should I guess so many Trades to center in one Man?

Compreh.

Then I see you don't know the Town. I thought you had told me you had been in Town above 30 Years.

Tr.

Truly so I have, and have known Apothecaries call'd Doctors, which is but two Names; but you are Apothecary, Doctor, Chymist, Distiller.—Hold, Call my Man to give me my Pocket-Book out of—O! I have it by me in my Pocket. Faith, you must excuse me, I can't remember all your Titles.

Compreh.

'Tis no matter, Sir, remember but Doctor, that's enough, I'll answer to that, if you please.

Tr.

Mr. Comprehensive the Apothecary's a better Name, in my mind; it do's not please me to call you Doctor.

Compreh.

Then call me what you please; I am sure some of the Greatest Men of the Nation honour us with that Title, and value our Skill above a Physician's often.

Tr.

I am sorry they do; and do think it a great Fault in our Government that Men of Liberal and Ingenious Education—

Enter Dr. Galen.

Dr. Galen.

Hold, let me go on. I heard what you were up∣on:—I think you were saying the Government wou'd do well to suppress such Cheats, Quacks, and Empyricks.

Tr.

No, Doctor, they were not my Words. But I was saying that I thought it a Fault in a Government that Men of Liberal and Ingenious Education should not have the Counte∣nance of that Government under which they live, so far as to have a Power granted them to punish Men who act out of their Sphere, and Invade the Rights and Privileges of their Neighbours: This is what I was about to say, but you inter∣rupted me.

Dr.

I beg your Pardon. When I hear these Apothecaries talk of their Practice, their Skill in Diseases, and Medicines, their taking of Fees, and Pretension to even the most difficult

Diseases, it puts me into a Passion, then I am apt to call 'um Cheats, and Quacks.

[Pestle and Gallypot peep in.

Tr.

Hold a little, Doctor, yonder are the other two a com∣ing; if you talk at this Rate, they'l bait you to Death: I ad∣vise you to retire.

Compreh.

Now, Doctor, you highly value your self for your Title; Brethren come hither, come in.

[Beckoning to Pestle and Gallypot. The Doctor hastily runs off.

P. and G.

What's the matter ye look so angry?

Comp. and Retort.

Angry! why the Doctor has most abomi∣nably abused all Apothecaries; he calls us Quacks, and Cheats: as if an Apothecary could be a Cheat, or Knave.

P. and G.

Did he so? wou'd we had come time enough; we wou'd a rounded his Doctorship.

Tr.

Now, Gentlemen, I see ye are all four together, I'll leave ye a little, and go see if I can reduce this Doctor to a better Temper.—Your Servant.

[Retires only behind the Hangings.

T. Gallyp.

Come, Gentlemen, now we are got by our Selves, let's talk a little about Trade: How stand Affairs? Is there any Business stirring? We ought to have a meeting every now and then, to settle what ought to be the Prizes of our Medi∣cines. Pray how do ye at your end of the Town prize a Dose of Common Purging Pills?

Retort.

Why, Brother, about Eighteen Pence, sometime Two Shillings, with an Haustus after them of Three and Six Pence.

Pestle.

And can you live so? I believe all the Things cost you at least a Shilling out of Pocket.

Retort.

No, God forbid! How could I live then? indeed they cost me about Six Pence, and I take but Five Shillings and Six Pence, sometime less, and I think that's honest Gains. Hey Brother!

I. Compreh.

O very honest! very fair! There's nothing can be fairer in the World! Shall I tell ye Gentlemen? I not long ago had a Patient, who accidentally had a Robust heavy Fel∣low tread on a Corn that grew on his left Toe, which put him into some pain. I perswaded him he was a little Feverish, so blooded him, and apply'd a Caustick to his Toe (as I told him) to eat out the Corn: But unluckily eat to the very Bone, and made a pretty handsome Ulcer. Then I Blister'd him, and distilled some Antifebrifuge Drops, Specificks for him only, and good for no body else besides. In short, he lay Ill of this but Eleven Weeks, and what do'st think he wou'd have paid me for the Cure?

T. Gallyp.

Faith, I can't tell, perhaps 40 l. But why did'st not call in a Surgeon at last for a dead Lift?

I. Compreh.

O Pox Man! I saw I cou'd do it my self, tho' but slowly. But Faith, I thank my Stars, I have learn'd now to use them like the Doctors, never call in either, but when I can't tell what to do my self.

T. Gallyp.

Right, so have I, but what had'st at last?

I. Compreh.

What do'st talk of Forty Pound! Indeed as an Apothecary not above Thirty Pound a Month, or so, was e∣nough; but as Doctor (and saving thereby many Fees) and Surgeon also, I ask'd him but 132 l. 12 s. 8d. And he scrupl'd to give it me.

Tr.

[Peeps in from behind the Hangings.] And, Faith, if he had paid you the odd 12 s. and 8 d. I think he had paid you too much: A Parcel of Canary-Birds, now your Rogueries and Cheats come out.

Retort.

Prethee who was that peep'd in and talk'd so, was it not Mr. Trueman? Well, I like that Man's Company very well, were he not too Censorious upon a Man for getting an honest Livelyhood.

T. Gallyp.

Ay, He is well enough but he has that disobliging Humour in him.

Tr.

What a Pox, if I tell ye that ye are Knaves and Cheats, when ye are so, this ye call a disobliging Humour: Leave of Cheating then, and practise fair in your own Sphere.

Pestle.

Cheats, and Rogues, and Knaves! That will bear an Action I am sure. Let's at him at Law, and maull him: Have none of ye a Lawyer Clapt, or (to speak more modestly) has the High Scurvy; let us employ him: As we take his Mo∣ney, let him take ours: I warrant ye we'll out-do him in ma∣king a Bill of Costs.

I. Compreh.

That, Brother, I don't question: Besides you know if a Man be a Knave 'tis an hard Matter to prove him so. Let's put him upon the proof of any one Apothecary in Town. If he should at last prove it, why 'tis but one Maungy-Hound in a whole Pack.

Retort.

Soft and fair Brother. For suppose he should prove you, or me, Brother, to be that very Knave ye talk'd of. Don't venture Proofs. Come let's threaten him with it, and he'll hold his Tongue a course.

T. Gallyp.

Gad, I won't venture it, not I.

Pestle.

Nor I neither. Come let's talk of something else.

Retort.

Ay; Prethee, Brother Comprehensive, tell me, did'st abate him any thing of the Bill.

I. Compreh.

Yes, Faith, I did; being an old Customer, I a∣bated the odd 32 l. 8 s. and 4 d. and took a Goldsmith's Note for the other.

Retort.

On my Word pretty well paid too. I suppose he had a good Estate, and was a Knight at least. But prethee deal in∣geniously with me, What did it cost thee out of Pocket?

I. Compreh.

Some body will hear me, or else I would: I cast it up to a Penny to satisfie my self what really I gain'd by my Medicines.

T. Gallyp.

No, No, Here are none but Friends, prethee tell us, I know you deal with Lords, Ladies, and Knights; who sometimes pay, and sometimes not: But when they do pay, besure you mount'um.

I. Compreh.

To tell you the Truth they cost—Hold look if no Body be near us—

Pestle.

No; I'll look my self (Looks) there's no Body.

I. Compreh.

Then, to be plain, the prime Cost was Six Pound 17s. 6d. Farthing, or near that: So I got in the 11 Weeks clear Gains not above 93 l. of one Patient. That's all.

T. Gallyp.

Wou'd I had half a Score such: I cannot for the Life of me make above Sixteen Pound in Twenty clear Gains; I mean not reckoning in my By-Fees of Ten Shillings, and Five Shillings, or so.

I. Compreh.

No! Come that's pretty well too, considering you are only Doctor, and Apothecary. But I am Surgeon, and Chymist, &c. you know.

Enter Trueman from behind the Curtain.

Tr.

Is the Doctor here?

All.

Yes, Yes, and all run to him to know what's the matter.

Tr.

Hey! I find ye are all Doctors. O, Tom Gallypot, go call Dr. Galen, and bid him go to my Wife, she's fall'n Ill again.

T. Gallyp.

Sir, He'ant at Home; Can't I do it? Sir, 'twill save you Fees.

Tr.

How d'ye know he'ant at Home? Go I say, I send for him because I would save Money. I know last time how I saved Money by you indeed.

T. Gallyp.

Well, if you will have the Doctor, I'll wait on him to your Lady.

[Offers to go out.

Tr.

Stay a little; now ye are all here together I must tell you, with the rest, before you go, that there was some body behind the Curtain, when the Medicines cost but Six Pound Seventeen Shillings and Six Pence; and an Hundred Pound was paid for them.

All.

O the Devil! What are we Betray'd?

Tr.

Betray'd, d'ye call it? No; but ye have told your Rogueries, and Cheats, in Private, and I'll publish 'um to the World, with my own Sentiments about the Practice of Physick.

T. Gallyp.

Ay pray do, so you don't reflect on us; you use to do things very fair sometimes.

Tr.

Well, Tom, my Advice to a Patient is as soon as he is Ill, to send for some Doctor of the Lower Rank, of whose Learning and Skill in Physick he has an Opinion; and in case he grow worse, to send for one of greater Fame, Reputation, and Vogue in the World to joyn in Consult: For the Diligence of the one, who has less Fame, and Vogue in the World (tho' perhaps equal in Learning and Skill really, tho' not thought so in the Eye of the World) may, and oft do's make amends for the supposed greater Skill of the other Physitian, by which means the Patient may more reasonably, and upon juster grounds ex∣pect a Cure. Besides the Hurry, and Multitude of Business that distracts the Heads of Men in great Practice, and makes 'um either forget what they did formerly in the like Cases, or at least write but cursorily, and as they say, iust for their Fee, would by this means be a little tempered; and by the constant Attendance and Observation of the Diligent Physician, the supposed Great Man may be put in mind of using some more proper Medicines for the Patient, which perhaps he would otherwise forget. These, Gentlemen, are my real Sentiments.

T. Gallyp.

Now, Master, I like your Discourse very well, seeing you make no Remarks on Apothecaries. Besides perhaps it may open Peoples Eyes to employ me the sooner, for tho' I am an Old Apothecary, I am but a Young Doctor. For I visit in either Capacity, either as an Old Apothecary, which is as good as a Young Doctor, or as a Young Doctor, and that's as good as t'other again.

Tr.

But I thought you had left off Shop, and stuck only to your Doctorship.

T. Gallyp.

So I do openly, but privately I keep a Shop, and side in all Things with the Apothecaries against the Doctors; I am, and will be to such Families, as yours, an Apothecary still, that pay well.

T.

Ay, Tom, 16 l. in 20 l. is good Gains. Your Apothe∣caryship, I believe, out do's your Doctorship.

T. Gallyp.

What. Sir, I believe you heard me jest a little among the rest. But pray no more Reflections, I beseech you.

Tr.

Well, I'll say nothing to you about your Degree, for to me you are an Apothecary still, and no other; to you as such, and to ye all I direct my Speech, 'tis my Opinion that ye all ought to be forced to take moderate Prizes, and be content with honest Gains.

Pestle.

So we are: What wou'd you propose?

Tr.

In Troth, Mr. Pestle, my Proposal will signify but little I know; but were I to advise the Law-makers, they should make a Law that no Apothecaries Bills should be paid till first Taxed by Two or more Doctors, appointed in every District, or Division, in and about the City of London.

Pestle.

That's very fine indeed: How is that Practica∣ble?

Tr.

Why not? as well as the Attorney's Bills by the Pro∣thonotories.

Pestle.

That's only when the Client thinks himself over∣rated.

Tr.

So should this be, when the Patient thinks himself over-rated in Medicines. This would prevent the extra∣vagant Cheats put upon the Patient oft, and be decided without the unnecessary Suits of Law. I am well assured that very oft 'tis cheaper to see a Doctor and pay you for Medicines, than employ one of ye as Doctor and Apothe∣cary too.

Pestle.

Very fine again: You, and your Politicks, You wou'd make the Doctors our Governours, wou'd you? Good Mr. Trueman, we beg you Excuse, we are His Majesty's Free-born Subjects. And after all, pray, Mr. Trueman, How do the Doctors understand to make Medicines? How do they understand the Prices of Drugs? Puh! you talk you know not what. Come, let's leave him.

Tr.

Mr. Pestle, by your leave a little. How did all the Apothecaries learn to make Medicines at first? 'Tis very probable that Men of Learning, Study and Industry (such which the World has call'd Physicians) first found out the use of Herbs, Minerals, &c. Out of these, proportionably mixed, formed Compound Medicines; and their Prescrip∣tions taught the Apothecaries the general use of these Me∣dicines: Which made the Apothecaries use these Weapons first formed against all Diseases (as I beg leave to call 'um) peculiarly against the First Inventor, to destroy him Root and Branch if possible. Like the Spaniards in the West-Indies, who thought it good Policy (tho 'twas neither Ho∣nesty nor Christianity) to destroy the Natives wholly; to make the Possession of their Countrey more quiet and se∣cure. The Gentility of their Profession, I confess, has been a great hindrance to them in reaping those Advantages as they might (and with more Honesty than any of ye) other∣wise have done.

Pestle.

E'en let 'um be Genteel still. I don't think 'um indeed such Fools, as that they cannot make Medicines if they will; but why can't they keep their Learning and Genti∣lity to themselves, and let us alone?

Tr.

O, Sir, I am glad you allow 'um to be capable of learning to make Medicines if they please. Now, Mr. Pestle, to tell you the plain Truth, I hear they have actually made se∣veral good Medicines at the College, and continue so to do; neither do I think it so very difficult to understand

making Compound Medicines, and prizing of them: For if I know the Price of every Simple, sure 'tis very easy for me to guess what the whole Mass cost, and so consequent∣ly by a farther Calculation tell you what an Ounce, half an Ounce, or a Dram of that Mass may be sold for: Thus I have made it plain that they can make Medicines, and prize 'um too.

Pestle.

How can they tell tho' when a Medicine is good?

Tr.

Very easy, Mr. Pestle, they have taste, and sight to judge by as well as ye, by which they discern the Good∣ness of Simples that make every Compound, and the Goodness also of that Compound. Besides, if ever they have bought good out of your Shops, (and yours is always right prime good, ye know) or have made good, they may, and I believe can make the like again.

Pestle.

Suppose all this true, tho' I am resolved I won't believe it true; who after all shall give Attendance to ob∣serve the Operations of Medicines?

Tr.

Who shou'd but the Doctors themselves? They are paid for attending their Patients.

Pestle.

Hah! Hah! Hah! Attending? I mean admini∣tring Physick; how I should laugh to see a Doctor giving a Glyster, and the Bladder break and bespatter all his Velvet Jacket: Hah! Hah! Hah!

Tr.

I find you wou'd be merry at such a Mischance as that; but that's but Idle to object, because every Nurse do's that Office acourse, and all that ye pretend to about sick Persons, or else are but sorrowful Nurses. As for Bleeding, the Surgeon ought to be employ'd. As for Chymical Medicines, the Chy∣mist is at hand; and so for all others.

Pestle.

Methinks your Head is full of Projects, can't you find out one to serve them in?

Tr.

I don't pretend to be a Projector; but I think the College would do very well to make all sorts of Medi∣cines

themselves, and sell them out at easy Rates. What they design by forming a Fund by Subscription, I pro∣fess I at present know not, but one of 'um told me t'other day that they design to make that a Fund for buying in Drugs, &c. and making of all sorts of Compound Medi∣cines necessary for the Sick, selling them out again for small profit, sufficient only to pay about a dozen Servants, and the Prime Cost of the Medicines, with a Penny in the Shil∣ling Over-plus to the College. By which means the Doctors will be sure to have such good Medicines, and so well prepared as to rely on them, not to be sophisticated; or, for want of any one prescribed, to be supply'd by a∣nother in the room of it, as you Apothecaries oft do: If you han't one Thing, you in your mighty Wisdom will put in another in the room of it; so that the Physician may prescribe till Dooms-day, and the Patient will be never the better, if ye substitute what Medicines ye please, and after that put what Prices ye please.

Pestle.

Prices Sir? I sell as cheap as any Apothecary in Town; I never have above 6 s. and 8 d. for a Pint of Pearl Cor∣dial in my Life, an you go to that.

Tr.

Not so passionate, Good Mr. Pestle, I believe you sell as cheap as your Brethren, but all damn'd dear, and much to the Oppression of the Poor. To remedy which they propose to sell a Pint of good Pearl Cordial for Eighteen Pence, or thereabouts. A Cordial Bolus for a Groat, which ye reckon sometimes 1 s. 6 d. and sometimes 2 s. A Quart of Bitter Drink for 1 s. for which I my self have pay'd 5 s. and 8 d. And so proportionable for all other Medicines.

Pestle.

Puh! What if they do? our Old Customers won't leave us.

Tr.

What if they do? Why then the Poorer sort of People will buy of them, because they are sure of good and cheap Medicines. The better sort will think it Pru∣dence

to save 5 s. in 6 s. and 8 d. if they can, to help pay Taxes, and not have a Bill after a great Sickness brought in, enough to renew their Sickness again. Even the Rich∣est of all will be apt to be influenced by their Physicians, when they tell 'um that there are the only Medicines pre∣pared which they can rely on. In short, every Body will be willing in their Illness to go to such a Place, where they can with great probability be assured of Good and Cheap Medicines.

Pestle.

Good Mr. Trueman, you may e'en prate about ••••••∣ling the Practice of Physick till you are weary, I warrant ye, let 'um do what they can, we'll easily perswade Peo∣ple that we are all very Honest Men.—We always said you were always a prying, busie, Inquisitive Man, pre∣tending to understand things, I am sure you don't under∣stand; you have a mighty Opinion of your Self. Come let us leave him.

All.

Ay come, come let's leave him.

[Exit. 4 Apothecaries Whistling in Glyster-Pipes.

Tr.

'Tis an Old Saying, Si Populus vult decipi, decipiatur, if People will be cheated e'en let 'um be so.—I have done what lies in my Power to open their Eyes; and by telling the Truth have gain'd other Men's Hatred, but

I ne'er to Flatt'ry was, or will b' a Slave, He that loves Truth is Generous and Brave, And scorns the Wealthy and the Thriving Knave.

Exit.

FINIS.