Amusements serious and comical, calculated for the meridian of London by Mr. Brown.

Amusement VI.

The WALKS.

WE have divers sorts of Walks about London, in some you go to see and be seen, in others nei∣ther to see nor to be seen, but like a Noun Substantive to be Felt, Heard, and Understood.

The Ladies that have an Inclination to be Private, take Delight in the Close Walks of Spring-Gardens, where both Sexes meet, and mutually serve one another as Guides to lose their Way, and the Windings and Turn∣ings in the little Wildernesses, are so intricate, that the most Experienc'd Mothers, have often lost themselves in looking for their Daughters.

From Spring-Garden we set our Fa∣ces towards Hide-Park, where Horses have their Diversion as well as Men, and Neigh and Court their Mistresses

almost in as intelligible a Dialect. Here People Coach it to take the Air, amidst a Cloud of Dust, able to Choak a Foot Soldier, and hinder'd us from seeing those that come thither on pur∣pose to shew themselves: However we made hard shift to get now and then a Glance at some of them.

Here we saw much to do about no∣thing; a World of Brave Men, Gilt-Coaches, and Rich Liveries. Within some of them were Upstart Courtiers, blown up as big as Pride and Vanity could swell them to; sitting as Up∣right in their Chariots, as if a Stake had been driven through them. It would hurt their Eyes to exchange a Glance upon any thing that's Vulgar, and that's the Reason they are so spa∣ring of their Looks, that they will neither Bow nor move their Hats to any thing under a Duke or a Dutchess; and yet if you examine some of their Originals; a Covetous, Soul-less Mi∣ser, or a great Oppressor, laid the Foundation of their Families, and in their Retinue there are more Credi∣tors than Servants.

See, says my Indian, what a Bevy of Gallant Ladies are in yonder Coa∣ches; some are Singing, others Laugh∣ing,

others Tickling one another, and all of them Toying and devouring Cheefe-Cakes, March-Pane, and Chi∣na Oranges. See that Lady says he, was ever any thing so black as her Eye, and so clear as her Forehead? One would Swear her Face had taken its Tincture from all the Beauties in Nature; and yet perhaps, answered I to my Fellow Traveller, all this is but Imposture; she might, for ought we know, go to Bed last Night as ugly as a Hagg, tho' she now appears like an Angel: and if you did but see this Puppet taken to pieces, her whole is but Paint and Plaster. From hence we went to take a Turn in the Mall.

When we came into these Pleasant Walks, my Fellow Traveller was Ra∣vish'd at the most agreeable Sight in Nature. There were none but Wo∣men there that Day as it happened, and the Walks were covered with them.

I never, said he to me Laughing, beheld in my Life so great a Flight of Birds. Bless me, how Fine and Pret∣ty they are.

Friend, reply'd I to him in the same Metaphor, these are Birds to Amuse one, that change their Feathers two or three times a Day.

They are Fickle and Light by Incli∣nation, Weak by Constitution, but never weary of Billing and Chirp∣ing.

They never see the Day till the Sun is just going to Set, they Hop always upright with one Foot upon the Ground, and touch the Clouds with their proud Toppings. In a word, the generality of Women are Peacocks when they Walk; Water-Wagtails when they are within Doors, and Turtles when they meet Face to Face.

This is a bold Description of them, says my Indian. Pray tell me, Sir, says he, is this Portrait of them after Nature? Yes, without Question, an∣swer'd I, but I know some Women that are Superior to the rest of their Sex, and perhaps to Men also. In relation to those, I need not say much to di∣stinguish them from the rest, for they'll soon distinguish themselves by their Vertuous Discourse and Deport∣ment.

Nothing is so hard to be Defined as Women, and of all Women in the World none are so undefinable as those of London.

The Spanish Women are altogether Spanish, the Italians altogether Itali∣ans, the Germans altogether Germans, the French Women always like them∣selves; but among the London Women we find Spaniards, Italians, Germans, and French, blended together into one individual Monopoly of all Humours and Fashions.

Nay, how many different Nations are there of our English Ladies. In the first place there is the Politick Na∣tion of your Ladies of the Town. Next the Savage Nation of Country Dames. Then the Free Nation of the Coquets. The Invisible Nation of the Faithful Wives, (the worst Peopled of all.) The Good-Natur'd Nation of Wives that Cuckold their Husbands, (they are almost forced to Walk upon one anothers Heads, their Numbers are so prodigious.) The Warlike Na∣tion of Intriguing Ladies. The Fear∣ful Nation of—, but there are scarce any of them left. The Barba∣rous Nation of Mothers-in-Law. The Haughty Nation of Citizens Wives,

that are Dignified with a Title. The Strowling Nation of your regular Vi∣sitants, and the Lord knows how ma∣ny more: Not to reckon the Supersti∣tious Nation that run after Conjurers and Fortune-Tellers. 'Tis pitty this latter sort are not lock'd up in a Quar∣ter by themselves, and that the Nati∣on of Cunning Women are not rooted out that abuse them, and set them up∣on doing some things, which other∣wise they would not.

I have suffer'd my self to be carried too far by my Subject. 'Tis a strange thing that we cannot talk of Women with a Just Moderation: We ei∣ther talk too much, or too little of them: We don't speak enough of Vertuous Women, and we speak too much of those that are not so.

Men would do Justice to 'em all, if they could talk of them without Pas∣sion; but they scarce speak at all of those that are Indifferent: They are prepossessed for them they Love, and against them by whom they cannot make themselves to be Beloved.

They rank the latter in the Class of Irregular Women, because they are Wise, and indeed Wiser than they would have them be. The Railing of

the Men ought to be the Justification of the Women; but it unluckily falls out, that one half of the World take delight to raise Scandalous Stories, and t'other half in believing them.

Slander has been the Product of all Times, and all Countries; it is very near of as Ancient standing in the World, as Vertue. Defamation ought to be more severely punish'd than Theft. It does more Injury to Civil Societies, and 'tis a harder matter to secure one's Reputation from a Slan∣derer, than one's Money from a Rob∣ber.

All the World are agreed, that both one and the other are Scoundrels, yet for all that we esteem 'em when they excel in this Art. A Nice and a Witty Railer is the most agreeable Person in Conversation; and he that Dexterous∣ly picks another Man's Pocket, as your Quacks and Attornies, draws the Veneration even of those who live by Cutting of Purses.

When one observes in what Reputa∣tion both of them live, one would be apt to say, That'tis neither Defamati∣on, nor Robbery, that we blame in others; but only their Awkardness and want of Skill. They are punish'd for

not being able to arrive at the Perfecti∣on of their Art.

Come, come, says my Indian, you ramble from your Subject; you speak of Back-Biting in General, whereas at present we are only talking of that Branch of it which belongs to Women. I would bring you back to that Point, which puts me in mind of certain Laws, which was heretofore proposed by a Legislator of my Country. One of these Laws gave permission for one Woman to Slander another; in the first place, because it is impossible to prevent it; and besides, because in Matters of Gallantry, she that accu∣ses her Neighbour, might her self be accused of it in her turn, pursu∣ant to the Ancient and Righteous Law of returning a Rowland for an Oliver.

But how would you have a Woman quit Scores with a Man, who has publish'd disadvantageous Stories of her? Must she serve him in the same kind? By all means: For if Men think it a piece of Merit to Conquer Women, and Women place theirs in well defending themselves, she that gets a Lover sings a Triumph; and

she that Loves, confesses her felf to be Conquered.

If it were true, that the Ladies were more Weak than we are, their Fall would be more excusable; but I think we are Weaker than our Wives, since we expect they should pardon us in every thing, and we will pardon nothing in them. One would think that when a Man had got a Woman in∣to a Matrimonial Noose, 'twas enough for her to be wholly his: And by the same Reason should not the Man be wholly hers? What a Tyranny is this in the Men, to monopolize Infidelity to themselves?

But if Men will be slandering Wo∣men, let them vent their Fury against those only that are ugly, for that is neither Slandering nor Calumniating, tho'it be a Crime the Ladies will ne∣ver forgive; for the Generality of them are more Jealous of the Reputa∣tion of their Beaties, than of their Honours, and she that wants a whole Morning at least to bring her Face to perfection, would be more con∣cern'd to be surpriz'd at her Toilet, than to be taken in the Arms of a Gallant.

I am not at all surprized at this No∣tion, for the chief Vertue in the La∣dies Catechism is to please; and Beau∣ty pleases Men more effectually than Wisdom. One Man loves Sweetness and Modesty in a Woman; another loves a Jolly Damsel with Life and Vigour; but Agreeableness and Beau∣ty Relishes with all Humane Pal∣lats.

A Young Woman who has no other Portion than her hopes of Pleasing, is at a loss what Measures to take that she may make her Fortune. Is she Simple, we despise her: Is she Vertu∣ous we don't like her Company. Is she a Coquet, we avoid her: There∣fore to succeed well in the World, 'tis necessary that she be Vertuous, Sim∣ple, and a Coquet all at once. Sim∣plicity Invites us, Coquetry Amuses, and Vertue Retains us.

'Tis a hard matter for a Woman to escape the Censures of the Men. 'Tis much more so to guard themselves from the Womens Tongues. A La∣dy that sets up for Vertue, makes her self envied; she that pretends to Gallantry, makes her self despi∣sed; but she that pretends to no∣thing, escapes Contempt and Envy,

and saves her self between two Re∣putations.

This Management surpasses the Ca∣pacity of a Young Woman: Those that are Young and Handsome, are exposed to two Temptations: To pre∣serve themselves from them they want the Assistance of Reason; and 'tis their Misfortune that Reason comes not in to their Relief, till their Youth and Beauty, and the Danger is gone together. Tell us why should not Reason come as soon as Beauty, since one was made to defend the other?

It does not depend upon a Woman to be Handsome; the only Beauty that all of them might have, and some of them, to speak Modestly, think fit to part with, is Chastity; but of all Beauties whatsoever, 'tis the easiest to lose.

She that never was yet in Love, is so asham'd of her first Weakness, that she would by all means conceal it from her self: As for the second, she desires to conceal it from others; but she does not think it worth the while to conceal the third from any Body.

When Chastity is once gone, 'tis no more to be retriev'd than Youth.

Those that have lost their Chastities, assumes an affected one, which is much sooner provoked than that which is real: Of which we had an Experi∣ment in the Close Walk at the Head of Rosamond's Pond, where for one poor Equivocal World, a Brisk She was ready to tear a Gentleman's Cra∣vat off; who after a further Parley, discover'd her self to be sensible of some things which she ought to have been ignorant of, to have maintained her affected Modesty.

A Lady of this Character was sit∣ting on the side of this Pond upon the Grass with her Younger Sister newly come out of the Country, to whom a Spark sitting by, entertain'd her with a Relation of an Amorous Adventure between my Lord—, and my La∣dy Love it; but expressing himself in such Obscene Ambiguous Terms, that a Woman that did not know What was What, could as soon fly with a Hun∣dred Weight of Lead at her Heels, as tell what to make of it: The more obscurely the Gentleman told his Sto∣ry, the more attentively did our Young Creature listen to it, and dis∣cover'd her Curiosity by some simple harmless Questions. The Elder of

the two Sisters desirous to let the Gentleman, and others that sate by them, understand that she had more Modesty than her Younger Sister, cryed out, Oh fie, Sister, fie; Can you hear such a wicked Story as this without Blushing?

Alas, Sister, says the Young Inno∣cency, I don't yet know what it is to Blush, or what it is you mean by it!

The Gentleman soon took the Hint, and whispering the Elder Sister in the Ear, she immediately sends Home the Young Ignorant Creature by her Footman, and Trig'd away Hand in Hand with the Gentleman. Her cunning Management, shew'd her an Experienc'd Coquet, who observ'd a sort of Decorum, to Usher in a greater Liberty.

Every thing is managed in good Order, by a Woman that knows her Company, and understands her Busi∣ness. He that loses his Money out of Complaisance, yields place to him who lends the Lady his Coach to take the Air in. The Young Heir begins where the Ruin'd Cully ended. He that pays for the Collation, is suc∣ceeded by another that Eats it; and

when my Lord comes in at the Gate, poor Sir Iohn must Scamper out at the Window.

The Green Walk afforded us varie∣ty of Discourses from Persons of both Sexes. Here walk'd a Beau Bare∣headed by a Company of the Com∣mon Profession in Dishabilie, and Night-Dresses; either for want of Day Cloths, or to shew they were ready for Business.

Here walk'd a French Fop with both his Hands in his Pockets, carrying all his Pleated Coat before, to shew his Silk Breeches.

There were a Cluster of Senators talking of State Affairs, and the Price of Corn, and Cattle, and were di∣sturb'd with the Noisy Milk Folks, crying, A Can of Milk, Ladies; a Can of Red Cows Milk, Sir.

Here were a Beavy of Bucksom Lasses complaining of the Decay of Trade, and Monopilies; and there Vertuous Women, Railing against Whores, their Husbands, and Coquet∣try.

And now being weary of Walking so long, we reposed our selves upon one of the Benches, and digesting se∣veral Dialogues between the Modest

Ladies and Coquets, made this Ob∣servation.

That tho' the Coquets were despised by the generality of Ladies, yet they immitate them to a Hairs Breadth in their whole Conduct. They learn of them the Winning Air, the Bewitching Glance, the Amorous Smirk, and the Sullen Pout. They Talk, and Dress, and Patch like them: They must needs go down with the Stream. It is the Coquets that Invent the New Modes and Expressions; every thing is done for them, and by them; tho' with all these Advantages, there is a vast difference between the one and the other. The Reputation of Ver∣tuous Women is more solid; that of Coquets is more extended. But

I am sensible I have made too long a stay in this part of my Voyage. A Man always Amuses himself longer with the Women, than he is willing. Well, since we are here, let's shew our Indian the Horse-Guards, the Country of Gallantry.

In our Way thither, was nothing worth our Observation, unless 'twas the Bird-Cage, inhabited by Wild-Fowl; the Ducks begging Charity, the Black-Guard Boys robbing their

own Bellies to relieve them, and an English Dog-Kennel Translated into a French Eating-House.

GALLANTRY.

LET'S enter into this Brave Coun∣try, and see—: But what is there to be seen here? Gallantry and Bravery which was formerly so well Cultivated, so Flourishing and Fre∣quented by many Persons of Honour, is at present Desolate, Unmanur'd, and Abandoned! What a Desert 'tis become! Alass, I can see nothing in it but a Disbanned Soldier mounted upon a Pedestal, standing Centinel o∣ver the Ducks and Wild-Geese, and to prevent an Invasion by O—'s Spanish Pilgrims, or Webster's Darci∣nus.

Why, says my Indian, is that a Soldier? He has ne'er a Sword, and is Naked.

I suppose, reply'd I to the Indian, since the Peace he has Pawn'd his Sword to buy him Food; and for his

being Naked, who regards it? What signifies a Soldier in Time of Peace? Pish, a Soldier Naked, is that such a Wonder? What are they good for else but Hanging, or Starving, when we have no occasion for them; as has been learnedly determined by the Author of that Original Amuse∣ment, Arguments against a Standing Army.

Our God, and Soldier, we alike A∣dore, Iust at the Brink of Danger, not be∣fore; After Deliverance, they are alike re∣quited, Our God's Forgotten, and our Soldi∣er's Slighted.

Come, this is a Melancholy Coun∣try, let's leave Amusing our selves about Gallantry and Bravery, and all at once, like Men that have no∣thing to Do, nor nothing to Have, take a Trip into the Land of Marri∣age, and see Who and Who are toge∣ther: But first, What are those Sol∣diers doing? They look like Brave Fellows.

They are, (says I) drawn up to Prayers; and would be brave Men indeed, if they were half as good at Praying, and Fighting, as they are at Cursing and Swearing.