A discourse of wit by David Abercromby ...

SECT. XIV. If Women can be really witty. (Book 14)

1. Why some alledge that Women cannot be really witty.

2. Some weak Objections answered.

3. That their Wit appears most in ma∣naging of intrigues, whether good or bad.

4. A true Story of a Ladies dexterity to be rid of two Husbands.

5. That as little men may be comely, not beautiful, so few Women can be reck∣oned among the beaux E'spirits, though we may allow several of them place among those whom the French call Esprits jolly, or jolly Wits.

1. SOme, who make it their whole business to inveigh against Women, though perhaps they be not quite out of conceit with them, may be apt to think that they are rather

naturally wilful, than Witty; be∣cause, perhaps, they were made of one of Adams Bones, and not of his Brains; yet 'tis certain they may claim a just right to it as well as Men, and sometimes to wisdom too; The coldness of their Temper is no argu∣ment to me of their stupidity or dul∣ness; for besides, that the melancholly, though cold, are commonly ingeni∣ous, This suppos'd coldness of their temper is often corrected by such a degree of heat, as may improve them into real Wits. Their Bodies, I confess, are not of so close a texture as those of Men, as being both sof∣ter, and more moist: But in all this I see nothing inconsistent with their being really witty. And if we are not convinced as yet of this self-evi∣dent truth by reason, daily experi∣ence may easily clear all our doubts. Speak they not to the purpose in a familiar converse, and as good Sense as most Men; yea, some of them can act the Philosophers part, com∣pose

Books, and write Verses too, not very impertinently. And if we will speak our mind impartially, they have somewhat more of a suddain, and extemporary▪ Wit than Men themselves, who can speak Sence, but after Meditation; whereas they talk sometimes to the purpose, without being at the pains of much thinking. Shall we doubt of their acuteness, if we reflect but a moment upon their quick Reparties, in certain Rencounters, where in Men are like Equus, & Asinus quibus non est intel∣lectus, as dumb as Beasts: And if the beauty of the Soul be proportiona∣ble to that of the Body; we have reason to think that as they exceed our Sex in the former, so they have some considerable advantage over us in the latter too, whereof they give sometimes but too certain proofs by circumventing, and imposing up∣on the Greatest Head pieces amongst Men; which is nothing else but an ill use of a very good thing, their

Wit. Sampson could neither be over∣come, nor out-witted by the Philistins, but subtiler Dalila put a cheat upon him, that cost him at last his life. Solomon was the wisest Man of the Age he lived in, yet he was prevai∣led upon by the forcible perswasions of his Concubines to adore false Gods. Abigail with a short Harrangue triumph'd over David's warlike re∣solutions. And Adam himself could not resist the Rethorick of his Wife Eve, but submitted to her as to his Master. So true it is that Women have out-witted the greatest men in all ages, and for ought I know, the World turns yet round at their dis∣cretion. But nothing sheweth more their Wit, than their subtile man∣agement of intrigues, whether of Love or Revenge; for they can dis∣semble better than Hypocrisie it self, and put what Face they please upon their Secret, and real Designs. I shall set down here on this occasion what happened in France not many years

ago, as being a true Fact, and no Romance; though because of the oddness of the thing, it looks some∣what like one.

2. When the French King invaded Holland in the year 72. if I misremem∣ber not, the Nobility, as 'tis usual on such occasions, followed him by his express Comand from all parts of the Kingdom: A Gentleman of a mean Fortune, but of Good Paren∣tage, in obedience to his Soveraign, and besides incouraged by a promise of some considerable Preferment, resolved to leave his Lady, being marryed but Three Months before, and to hazard his life for the increase of his small Fortune. But whether he was not very Ʋxorious, or which I am more apt to believe, had bin wholly taken up with Military Af∣fairs, he never in the space of Five years absence inform'd her once what condition he was in. She began then to suspect him killed in some rencounter. But all her doubts

were at length cleared by a Letter she received from one of his intimate Friends, who was very well infor∣med of his continual Silence all the while of this long absence. He as∣sured her then by his Letter of her Husbands death, because he judged his recovery out of a Distemper he was then in, impossible. He added, that he was coming to present her with her Husbands Diamond Ring, as a part of his last Will, and a mark of his most sincere Love and Affection to∣wards her: And accordingly not thinking that his Friend could reco∣ver▪ sets forward for France. He failed not at his arrival to present the Lady with the Ring, and at the same time with his Sevice, if perchance she dislik't him not, as he profest he did not dislike her. She seem'd, as Women commonly do upon such oc∣casions, to be somewhat shy at first, and surprized at his unexpected offer. But weary now of a solitary Life, and fearing she should not meet with

so good an opportunity again, she thought it a piece of Prudence to lay hold on it; and so being at her Li∣berty, as she thought, she engaged within a few days to this Second Hus∣band; who not using her near so kindly, as the first, though, as it shall appear hereafter, she never really lo∣ved him neither; she began to wish for a change, and that it would please God to rid her of this Husband as he had already delivered her of the First when he recovering unexpe∣ctedly out of that Distemper, his Friend, but now his Rival, had left him in without any hopes of recove∣ry, comes on a suddain home, not knowing any thing of his wifes se∣cond Marriage. Being soon infor∣med of the whole matter, and how innocently it had happened on her side, he appeared to be somewhat satisfied, and told her that he wa•• ready to live with her again, if sh•• was willing to part with her presen•• Husband, and however that the Law

would right him in this case. It was accordingly ordered that she should leave her second Husband, and re∣turn to the first again, wherewith she appeared to be well satisfied, be∣cause of her hard usage from her se∣cond Husband: They liv'd then a∣while together very contentedly, and he doted on her more than ever he did when he was first marryed: She failed not to use him likewise with all imaginable kindness, which so gain'd his heart, that he could not cross her in any thing; yea, not in such things as were neither lawful nor allowa∣ble. As he was still highly concer∣ned if any thing should displease her, or put her in a melancholly temper, he inquired of her one day why she appeared to be somewhat dejected; how can I be other, replyed she, since I know certainly that you are in a greater danger then ever you was in the Holland Wars, because my second pretended Husband, as I am credibly inform'd, is resolved to

murther you, that he may enjoy me again. I hear indeed he is going for Burgundy, but I know he will make but a short stay there. So you may easily judge, that loving you as tenderly as I do, I shall never have a moment of Rest either by Night or Day, till I be rid of my too well grounded fear, by preventing some∣way this designed blow, which at once would kill two, and be the occasion of a deserved, though shameful death to a third, the Exe∣cutioner himself, your Rival: Her Husband being extreamly surprised at this discourse, knew not what to re∣solve upon; but being near concern'd in the case, and loving her more than his life, he took a suddain resolution to do whatever she would put him upon. This subtile Lady taking no∣tice of this yielding humour he was in, spoke to him thus again, or to this effect; you seem to be in doubt what you have to do: You must then re∣solve, for I know your Rivals Hu∣mour,

and there is no middle, either to kill or be killed, and all wise men, methinks, will prefer the former be∣fore the latter: Now because I cannot suffer you to expose your self to the least hazard, I shall furnish you this Night with the fittest Opportunity that can be devised of doing your self, and me too, a most important piece of Service. Your Rival then will come about Six of the Clock, as he hath given me notice by a Letter, to take his leave of me be∣fore his departure for Burgundy; which civility I shall not only admit, but invite him likewise in your pre∣sence to Supper, under pretence of a pretended Reconciliation to be made up between him and you. The Gen∣tleman comes as he had promis'd, and yielded with all his heart to their Ci∣vil offers, being now almost fully perswaded, that as in Holland, and Flanders he had had all things in Common with his Friend, this jun∣cture would furnish him with an

overture to the like privacy at home, which was all that he either aim'd at, or car'd for. Before the Gentleman came to take his leave of the Lady, they had contrived, and agreed upon the manner of his Death, which was to press upon him several Healths, and when he should be almost insen∣sible of what was doing about him, to dissolve some Strong and Heady Soporifick in his Wine, that so they might the more easily strangle him, the Servants being first dispatcht out of doors upon pretended Errants. The murther thus executed without resistance or noise; the Lady took after this manner her measures for concealing this horrid fact, and hi∣ding the Body from the eyes of the World. She desired her Husband to take it upon his shoulders, while she would bear up the Legs upon hers for his greater ease in carrying it. Thus they went quietly along toge∣ther about Midnight by a back door through the Garden, straight to the

River that wash't the very walls thereof: But as they were thus in their March, the Lady tyed dexte∣rously in more than one part, the dead Mans Cloaths with those of her living Husbands, which he, as being intent upon the compleating of the business, could neither mistrust, nor be sensible of. They were come near to the River, when she told him to go as near as he could, and being now upon the very brink of the precipice, she most un∣mercifully thrust him over, and so both headlong down together into the River. Thus she got her self rid of both her Husbands at once, whom it seems she had equally dis∣lik't. It may be yet somewhat to my purpose to tell you, that being returned home, she made a great stir among her Servants, as if she had known nothing of the matter, and ask't them often if they had not met with her Husband and the other Gen∣tleman, for that she fear'd they had

challenged one another, and had gone to some remote place agreed upon, to put an end by the Sword to their old Quarrels: But though this was for a while the general opi∣nion of the Town, the two Bodies being found two Months after by some Fisher-men bound together, and the Lady being upon suspicion ap∣prehended, and according to the Laws of that Country, in such doubt∣ful cases, threatned with extraordi∣nary Tortures, if she would not confess her crime: She made at length a full discovery of the whole matter: And suffered by the order of the Ju∣stice what she had well deserved an, infamous Death.

3. Let us make here but this one reflection: Could there be a greater wickedness than this, and at the same time a greater abuse of Wit; where∣by we see clearly that this weaker Sex has nothing of real Weakness when they resolve upon a design, whether bad, as this was, or good, as that

of Judith, who in my judgement cheated not Holofernes so subtilely out of his life, as this Woman did her two Husbands out of theirs.

I pretend not by this discourse to puff Women up with Pride, for they are but too proud already; my de∣sign only is to show that they ought not to be undervalued by Men, as if they were little better than Fools, and had no kind of real Wit; since their very Malice and Tricks do de∣monstrate the contrary. But never∣theless, though it may be allowable to call some Women fine Wits, because of some peculiar vivaci∣ty they are gifted with; yet few of them can pretend to be great Wits, such a Character requir∣ing a constant temper of the Soul, which they, because of their changeable humour, are not capable of. I shall not perhaps be justly sty∣led impertinent, if I say, that since Wit depends most upon the perfecti∣on of our Souls, they have not received

from God so perfect Souls as Men, be∣cause by Gods special appointment they are to obey, and Men to com∣mand; they are to be Servants, and Men their Masters: Now 'tis conformable to the Wisdom of that all wise being, that as they are inferiour to us by the condition of their State, so they should be likewise far short of Men, as to the innate endowments of the Mind. Yet I deny not but that God may, and does sometimes lodge a Soul of the First Hierarchy, I mean a most perfect one in a Womans body; but this is not usual, and seldom hap∣pens, but when he pleases to make choice of Women to rule over great Empires, and whole Nations, which hinders not the generality of them, from falling far short of those emi∣nent abilities that men are deserved∣ly esteemed for. I conceive the French to be more sensible of the truth of this Doctrine than most o∣ther Nations, because by their Salick Law, Women can claim no right a∣mong

them to the Soveraign com∣mand. I shall not say, it would per∣haps, prove to our great advantage, to put the same affront upon them by giving place to this Law amongst us; but sure I am that England would be no more a Purgatory for Men, as it is commonly said to be, and would not cease neither to be a Paradise for Women, if the Salick Law were once established in every private House and Family of this Kingdom.