Saint Augustines confessions translated: and with some marginall notes illustrated. Wherein, diuers antiquities are explayned; and the marginall notes of a former Popish translation, answered. By William Watts, rector of St. Albanes, Woodstreete

CHAP. 7. He was out of love with him∣selfe upon this story.

1. BVt thou, O Lord, all the while that hee was spea∣king, didst turne mee backe to reflect upon my selfe; taking

my intentions from behinde my back, where I had here∣tofore onely placed them, when as I had no list to observe mine owne selfe: and thou now setst mee before mine owne face, that I might dis∣cerne how filthy, and how crooked, and sordide, and be∣spotted, and ulcerous, I was. And I beheld and abhorred my selfe, nor could I finde any place whither to flee from my selfe. And if I went about to turne mine eye from off my selfe, yet did that tell mee as much, as Potitianus erst had done; and thou thereup∣on opposedst my selfe unto my selfe, and thrustedst mee ever and anon into mine owne eyes, to make mee finde at last mine owne iniquity, and to loath it. I had hereto∣fore taken notice of it; but I had againe dissembled it, winckt at it, and forgotten it. But

at this time, how much the more ardently I loved those two, whose wholsome purposes I heard tell of, even for that they had resigned up themselves unto thee to be cured: so much the more detestably did I hate my selfe in comparison of them. Be∣cause I had already lost so many yeares, (twelve or thereabouts) since that nineteenth of mine age, when upon the reading of Cice∣ro's Hortensius, I was first stir∣red up to the study of Wisdome; since when (having first despised all earthly felicity) I too long delaied to search out that, whose not finding alone, but the bare seeking, ought to have been pre∣ferred before all the treasures and Kingdomes of this world already found, and before all the pleasures of the body, though in all abundance to be comman∣ded.

2. But I, most wretched yong fellow that I was, unhappy even

in the very entrance into my youth; had even then begged chastity at thy hands, and said, Give me chastity and a 1.1 Conti∣nency, but doe not give it yet: for I was afraid that thou wouldst heare me too soone, and too soone deliver mee from my disease of Incontinencie; which my desire was, rather to have satisfied, than extinguished. Yea I had wandered with a sacrile∣gious superstition through most wicked wayes of Manichisme: not yet sure that I was right, but preferring that, as it were, be∣fore those others which I did not so much seeke after religi∣ously, as oppose malitiously. And this was the reason, as I thinke, why I deferred from day to day to contemne all hopes in this world, and to follow thee onely, for that there did not ap∣peare any certaine end, which I

was to direct my course unto. But now was the day come wherein I was to bee set naked before my selfe, and when mine owne conscience was to con∣vince me.

3. Where art thou my tongue? that tongue which saidest, how that for an uncertainty, thou wouldst not yet cast off the baggage of vanity. See, certain∣ty hath appeared now! and yet does that burthen still overload thee: whereas behold, others have gotten wings to free their shoulders by flying from under it; others, I say, who neither have so much worne out them∣selves with seeking after that certainty, nor yet spent tenne whole yeeres and more, in think∣ing how to doe it. Thus felt I a corrosive within, yea most ve∣hemently confounded I was with a horrible shame, when as Pontitianus was a telling that story. And he having done both

his tale and the businesse hee came for, went his way: and I said unto my selfe; nay, what said I not within my selfe? with what scourges of condemning senten∣ces lasht I not mine owne soule, to make it follow me, endevou∣ring now to go after thee, which yet drew backe? It refused, but gave no reason to excuse its re∣fusall by. All its arguments were already spent and confuted, there remained a silent b 1.2 trembling; and it feared, like the death, to bee restrained of the swinge of custome, which made it pine a∣way even to the very death.

Notes

• a 1.1

  This was the Primi∣tive pra∣ctice, ever to premise prayer be∣fore vow∣ing; and still to inter∣mix prayers for ability to goe through their vowes. Surely J have seen di∣vers Masse∣books Por∣tuesses and peculiar to severall or∣ders of Fry∣ers, and to the Nuns of S. Clare &c. yet ne∣ver saw I there, a set Prayer for the gift of Chastity. But perchance they de∣sire it not yet, not whilst they are yong.
• b 1.2

  Reman∣serat muta trepid tio. This he turns There re∣mained onely a kinde of speech trembling. Noting in his margent, A rare expression. As rare as non sense.