Devotions vpon emergent occasions and seuerall steps in my sicknes digested into I. Meditations vpon our humane condition, 2. Expostulations, and debatements with God, 3. Prayers, vpon the seuerall occasions, to Him / by Iohn Donne ...

23.—Metusque, Relabi They warne mee of the fearefull danger of re∣lapsing.

23. MEDITATION.

IT is not in mans body, as it is in the Citie, that when the Bell hath rung, to couer your fire, and ••ake vp the embers, you may lie downe, and sleepe without feare. Though you haue by

••••ysicke and diet, raked vp the embers of your ••isease, stil there is a feare of a relapse; and the greater danger is in that. ••uen in pleasures, and in ••••ines, there is a propriety, •• Meum & Tuum; and a man is most affected with that pleasure which is his, his by former en∣••oying and experience, and most intimidated with those paines which are his, his by a wofull ••ense of them, in former ••fflictions. A couetous ••erson, who hath preoc∣cupated

all his senses, filled all his capacities, with the delight of gathe∣ring, wonders how any man can haue any taste of any pleasure in any opennesse, or liberalitie; So also in bodily paines, in a fit of the stone, th•• patient wonders why a∣ny man should call the Gout a paine: And hee that hath felt neither, but the tooth-ach, is as much afraid of a ••it of that, as either of the o∣ther, of either of the o∣ther. Diseases, which we

••euer felt in our selues, ••ome but to a compassi∣•••• of others that haue ••ndured them; Nay, ••ompassion it selfe, comes ••o no great degree, if wee ••aue not felt, in some ••roportion, in our selues, ••hat which wee lament ••nd condole in another. But when wee haue had ••hose torments in their ••••altation, our selues, wee ••emble at a relapse. ••hen wee must pant ••hrough all those fierie ••eats, and saile thorow ••ll those ouerflowing

sweats, when wee must watch through all those long nights, and mourne through all those long daies, (daies and nights, so long, as that Nature her selfe shall seeme to be peruerted, and to hau•• put the longest day, and the longest night, which should bee six moneths asunder, into one natu∣rall, vnnaturall day) when wee must stand at the same barre, expect the re∣turne of Physitians from ••heir consultations, and not bee sure of the s••me

verdict, in any good In∣dications, when we must goe the same way ouer againe, and not see the same issue, this is a state, a condition, a calamitie, in respect of which, any other sicknesse were a ••onualescence, and any greater, lesse. It addes to the affliction, that relap∣ses are, (and for the most part iustly) imputed to our selues, as occasioned by some disorder in vs; and so we are not onely passiue, but actiue, in our owne ruine; we doe not

onely stand vnder a fal∣ling house, but pull it downe vpon vs; and wee are not onely execu∣ted, (that implies guilti∣nesse) but wee are execu∣tioners, (that implies dis∣honor;) and executioners of our selues, (and that implies impietie.) And wee fall from that com∣fort which wee might haue in our first sick∣nesse, from that meditati∣on, Alas, how generally miserable is Man, and how subiect to diseases, (for in that it is some degree of

comfort, that wee are but in the sta••e common to all) we fall, I say, to this discomfort, and selfe accu∣sing, & selfe condemning; Alas, how vnprouident, and in that, how vn∣thankfull to God and his instruments am I, in ma∣king so ill vse of so great benefits, in destroying so soone, so long a worke, in relapsing, by my disor∣der, to that from which they had deliuered mee; and so my meditation is fearefully transferred from the body to the

minde, and from the consideration of the sicknesse, to that sinne, that sinfull carelesnesse, by which I haue occa∣sioned my relapse. And a∣mongst the many weights that aggrauate a relapse, this also is one, that a relapse proceeds with a more violent dispatch, and more irremediably, because it finds the Countrie weakned, and depopulated before. Vpon a sicknesse, which as yet appeares not, wee can scarce fix a feare, because

wee know not what to feare; but as feare is the busiest and irksomest af∣fection, so is a relapse (which is still ready to come) into that, which is but newly gone, the nearest obiect, the most immediate exercise of that affection of fear••.

23. EXPOSTVLATION.

MY God, my God, my God, thou mightie Father, who hast beene my Physitian; Thou glorious Sonne, who hast beene my physicke; Thou blessed Spirit, who hast prepared and applied all to mee, shall I alone bee able to ouerthrow the worke of all you, and relapse into those spiri∣tuall sicknesses, from which your infinite mer∣cies haue withdrawne me? Though thou, O

my God, h••ue filled my measure with mercie, yet my measure was not so large, as that of thy whole people, the Nati∣on, the numerous and glorious nation of Israel; and yet how often, how often did they fall into relapses? And then, where is my assurance? how easily thou passedst ouer many other sinnes in them, and how vehe∣mently thou insistedst in those, into which they so often relapsed; Those were their mur∣murings

against thee, in thine Instruments, and Ministers, and their turnings vpon other gods, and embracing the Idolatries of their neighbours. O my God, how slipperie a way, to how irrecouerable a bottome, is murmuring? and how neere thy selfe hee comes, that mur∣mures at him, who comes from thee? The Magistrate is the gar∣ment in which thou apparellest thy selfe; and hee that shoots at the

cloathes, cannot say, hee meant no ill to the man: Thy people were feareful examples of that; for, how often did their murmuring against thy Ministers, end in a de∣parting from thee? when they would haue other officers, they would haue other gods; and still to daies murmuring, was to morrowes Idolatrie; As their murmuring in∣duced Idolatrie, and they relapsed often into both, I haue found in my selfe, O my God, (O

my God, thou hast found it in me, and thy finding it, hath shewed it to me) such a transmigra∣tion of sinne, as makes mee afraid of relapsing too. The soule of sinne, (for wee haue made sinne immortall, and it must haue a soule) The soule of sinne, is disobedi∣ence to thee; and when one sinne hath beene dead in mee, that soule hath passed into ano∣ther sinne. Our youth dies, and the sinnes of our youth with it; some

sinnes die a violent death, and some a naturall; pouertie, penurie, impri∣sonment, banishment, kill some sinnes in vs, and some die of age; many waies wee become vn∣able to doe that sinne; but still the soule liues, and passes into ano∣ther sinne; and that, that was licentiousnesse, growes ambition, and that comes to indeuoti∣on, and spirituall cold∣nesse; wee haue three liues, in our state of sinne; and where the sinnes o••

youth expire, those of our middle yeeres enter; and those of our age after them. This transmigra∣tion of sinne, found in my selfe, makes me afraid, O my God, of a Relapse: but the occasion of my feare, is more pregnant ••han so; for, I haue had, I haue multiplied Relap∣ses already. Why, O my God, is a relapse so odi∣ous to thee? Not so much their murmuring, and their Idolatry, as their relapsing into those sinnes, seemes to affect

thee, in thy disobedient people. They limited the holy one of Israel, as ••hou complainest of them: That was a mur∣muring; but before thou chargest them with the fault it selfe, in the same place, thou chargest them, with the iterating, the redoubling of ••hat fault, before the fault was named; How oft did they prouoke mee in the Wildernesse; and grieue me in the Desart? That which brings thee to that exasperation

against them, as to say, that thou wouldest breake thine owne oath, rather than leaue them vnpu∣nished, (They shall not see the land, which I sware vnto their fathers) was because they had tempted thee ten times, infinitely; vpon that, thou threat∣nest with that vehemen∣cie, if ye do in any wise goe backe, know for a certain∣ty, God will no more driue out any of these Nations from before you; but they shall be snares, and traps vnto you, and scourges

in your sides, and thornes in your eies, till ye perish. No tongue, but thine owne, O my GOD, can expresse thine indigna∣tion, against a Nation relapsing to Idolatry. I∣dolatry in any Nation is deadly; but when the dis∣ease is complicated with a relapse (a knowledge and a profession of a former recouerie) it is desperate: And thine an∣ger workes, not onely where the euidence is pregnant, and without exception, (so thou saiest,

when it is said, That certaine men in a Citie, haue withdrawne others to Idolatrie, and that inquirie is made, and it is found true, the Citie, and the inhabitants, and the Cattell are to bee destroi∣ed) but where there is but a suspicion, a rumor, of such a relapse to Ido∣latrie, thine anger is a∣wakened, and thine indignation stirred. In the gouernment of thy seruant Iosua, there was a voice, that Reuben and Gad, with those of Ma∣nasseh,

had built a new altar. Israel doth not send one to enquire; but the whole congrega∣tion gathered to goe vp to warre against them; and there went a Prince of euery Tribe: And they obiect to them, not so much their present de∣clination to Idolatry, as their Relapse; is the ini∣quity of Peor too lit∣tle for vs? An idolatry formerly committed, and punished with the slaughter of twenty foure thousand delinquents. At

last Reuben, and Gad sa∣tisfie them, that that Al∣tar was not built for Ido∣latry, but built as a pat∣terne of theirs, that they might thereby professe themselues to bee of the same profession, that they were; and so the Army returned without bloud. Euen where it comes not so farre, as to an actuall Relapse in∣to Idolatry, Thou, O my GOD, becommest sensible of it; though thou, who seest the heart all the way, pre∣uentest

all dangerous ef∣fects, where there was no ill meaning, how euer there were occasion of suspicious rumours, giuen to thine Israel, of relap∣sing. So odious to thee, & so aggrauating a weight vpon sinne, is a relapse. But, O my God, why is it so? so odious? It must bee so, because hee that hath sinned, and then repented, hath weighed God and the Deuill in a ballance; hee hath heard God and the Deuill plead; and after hearing, giuen

Iudgement on that side, to which he adheres, by his subsequent practise; if he returne to his sinne, hee decrees for Satan; he pre∣fers sinne before grace, and Satan before God; and in contempt of God, declares the precedency for his aduersary: And a contempt wounds deeper than an iniury; a relapse deeper, than a blasphemy. And when thou hast told me, that a relapse is more odious to thee, neede I aske why it is more dange∣rous,

more pernitious to me? Is there any other measure of the greatnesse of my danger, than the greatnesse of thy displea∣sure? How fitly, and how fearefully hast thou ex∣pressed my case, in a storm ••t Sea, if I relapse? (They mount vp to Heauen, and they goe downe againe to the depth:) My sicknesse brought mee to thee in repentance, and my re∣lapse hath cast mee far∣ther from thee: The end of that man shall be worse than the beginning, saies

thy Word, thy Sonne; My beginning was sick∣nesse, punishment for sin; but a worse thing may follow, saies he also, if I sin againe: not onely death, which is an ••nd, worse than sicknesse, which was the beginning, but Hell, which is a begin∣ning worse than that end. Thy great seruant denied thy Sonne, and he denied him againe; but all before Repen∣tance; here was no relapse. O, if thou haddest euer re-admitted Adam into

Paradise, how abstinent∣ly would hee haue wal∣ked by that tree? and would not the Angels, that fell, haue fixed them∣selues vpon thee, if thou hadst once re-admitted them to thy sight? They neuer relapsed; If I doe, must not my case be as desperate? Not so des∣perate, for, as thy Maie∣stie, so is thy Mercie, both infinite: and thou who hast commanded me to pardon my brother seuenty seuen times, hast limited thy selfe to no

Number. If death were ill in it selfe, thou woul∣dest neuer haue raised any dead Man, to life a∣gaine, because that man must necessarily die a∣gaine. If thy Mercy, in pardoning, did so farre aggrauate a Relapse, as that there were no more mercy after it, our case were the worse for that former Mercy; for who is not vnder, euen a ne∣cessity of sinning, whilst hee is here, if wee place this necssity in our own infirmity, and not in thy

Decree? But I speak not this, O my God, as pre∣paring a way to my Re∣lapse out of presumption, but to preclude all acces∣ses of desperation, though out of infirmity, I should Relapse.

23. PRAYER.

O Eternall and most gracious God, who though thou beest euer infinite, yet enlargest thy selfe, by the Number of our prayers, and takest

our often petitions to thee, to be an addition to thy glory, and thy great∣nesse, as euer vpon all oc∣ca••ions, so now, O my God, I come to thy Ma∣iestie with two Prayers, two Supplications. I haue Meditated vpon the Ie∣louzie, which thou h••st of thine owne honour; and considered, that Nothing can come nee∣rer a violating of that h••∣nor, neerer to the Nature of a scorne to thee, then to sue out thy P••rdon, and receiue the Seal••s of

Reconciliation to thee, and then returne to th••t sinne, for which I needed, and had thy pardon be∣fore. I know that this comes to neare, to a ma∣king thy holy Ordinan∣ces, thy Word, thy Sacra∣ments, thy Seales, thy Grace, instruments of my Spirituall Fornications. Since therefore thy Cor∣rection hath brought mee to such a participa∣tion of thy selfe (thy selfe, O my God, cannot bee parted) to such an intire possession of thee, as that

I durst deliuer my selfe ouer to thee this Minute, If this Minute thou wouldst accept my dis∣solution, preserue me, O my God the God of con∣stancie, and perseuerance, in this state, from all relapses into those sinnes, which haue induc'd thy former Iudgements vpon me. But because, by too lamentable Experience, I I know how slippery my customs of sinne, haue made my wayes of sinne, I presume to adde this petition too, That if my

infirmitie ouertake mee, thou forsake mee not. Say to my Soule, My Sonne, thou hast sinned, doe so no more; but say also, that though I doe, thy Spirit of Remorce, and Compunction shall neuer depart from mee. Thy Holy Apostle, Saint Paul, was shipwrackd thrice; & yet stil saued. Though the rockes, and the sands, the heights, and the shal∣lowes, the prosperitie, and the aduersitie of this world do diuersly threa∣ten mee, though mine

owne leakes endanger mee, yet, O God, let mee neuer put my selfe a∣board with Hymeneus, nor make shipwracke of faith, and a good Consci∣ence, and then thy long∣liud, thy euerlasting Mer∣cy, will visit me, though that, which I most ear∣nestly pray against, should fall vpon mee, a relapse into those sinnes, which I haue truely re∣pented, and thou hast ful∣ly pardoned.

Notes

• Psal. 78.41.
• Num. 14 22.
• Ios. 23.12.
• Deut. 13 12.
• I••s. 22.11.
• 1.12.
• Num. 25 4.
• Tertull.
• Psa. 107 26.
• Mat. 12.45.
• Io. 8.14.
• Mar. 14 70.
• Ecclus. 2.18.
• Ecclus. 21.1.
• 2. Cor. 11.25.
• Timo. 1.19.