If it be not good, the Diuel is in it A nevv play, as it hath bin lately acted, vvith great applause, by the Queenes Maiesties Seruants: at the Red Bull. Written by Thomas Dekker.
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- Title
- If it be not good, the Diuel is in it A nevv play, as it hath bin lately acted, vvith great applause, by the Queenes Maiesties Seruants: at the Red Bull. Written by Thomas Dekker.
- Author
- Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632.
- Publication
- London :: Printed [by Thomas Creede] for I[ohn] T[rundle] And are to be sold by Edward Marchant, at his shop against the Crosse in Pauls Church-yarde,
- 1612.
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- Cite this Item
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"If it be not good, the Diuel is in it A nevv play, as it hath bin lately acted, vvith great applause, by the Queenes Maiesties Seruants: at the Red Bull. Written by Thomas Dekker." In the digital collection Early English Books Online. https://name.umdl.umich.edu/A20066.0001.001. University of Michigan Library Digital Collections. Accessed April 25, 2025.
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Call you this Coronation day? woud I were ith streetes where the condu••tes run claret wine, there's some good fellowship.
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They say Monday's Shooemakers holliday, Ile fall to that trade.
We must all turne pettifoggers, and in stead of gi••t rapiers, hang buckram bags at our girdles.
Because they are easiest fetched ouer: there's some∣thing to be gotten out of them.
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That's well: better be together byth'••ares, then to goe halting to hospitalls.
What a number of tottred roagu••s wilbe turn'd into braue
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fellowes a this new change of the moone
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I am an Heluetian borne, the house from which I am descended, ancient and well knowne to many princes: Bohor is my name.
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Especially that at large if you can in red, like a Dominicall letter.
Thine owne lawes from thine owne mouth, weele proclaime, if thine owne words thou e'a••st, bee't thine owne shame.
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A mangier, a mangier, a mangier, I must needs haue a mangie voice, whē I doe nothing but ball for a company of hungry Scabs; a mangier.
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So: the Lord Priors napkin here, there the Subpi∣ors: his knife and case of pick-toothes thus: as for the co∣uent, let them licke their fingers in stead of wiping, and suck their teeth in steede of picking.
As you are nouice, you are to say grace demurely, waite on the Priors Trencher soberly, steale away a mouth∣full cunningly, and munch it vp in a corner hungerly. Ply your office, Rush.
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Au••ite fratres, they doe not onely proue it lawfull, but make it palpable, that hee who eates not good in eate is dambde.
And so cōsequenly is dambd, for who regards poore soules? and if they be not regarded they are cast foorth, and if cast foorth, then they are dambde.
Sic probo: the soule followes the temperature of the body, hee that feedes well hath a good temperature of body, Ergo, he that feedes well hath a good soule.
Anima sequitur tem••eraturā Corporis, It is a principle, & contra principia non est disputandum, All wee.
Subprior, weele heare the rest disputed at our leisure: you take too much vpon you.
Hence with this trash, we haue too long forborne to tast heauens blessings fully, which to our dutie had more en∣abled vs, Rush ••hart some Angel.
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I shall be greedy to learne of him sir, since your lord∣ship is turnde, our very Iack and his spits shall turne too,
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I told you they were curs, that cea••e to barke, no longer then you feede them.
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Very base-viall men most of 'em: besides whole swarmes of welsh harpes, Irish bag-pipes, Iewes trompes,
And french kitts. All these made I together play: But their dambd catter-wralling, frighted me away.Page [unnumbered]
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Apollo was an Asse; he let a wench whom he lou'de to be turnd into a Bay-tree, and now shees glad for a peny to stick Ale-house-windowes, and wynde dead coarses.
A school-master as I take it; and comes to present a ve∣rie prettie s••ow of his schollers in broken La••••.
A blacke Gust is comming: vp a low-there hey: A young-man vp toth Top-mast-head, and looke-out: stand to your Sayles: stand to your Top-sailes: let ••oe your Harriars, let goe, amaine louere amaine, quicke, quick, Goo••f••llowes.
Hees mad.
Whoes at Helme? beare vp hard: and hard vp: and thou beest a man beare vp; Star-borde, Port-agein: off with your Drablers, and your Banners; our with you•• Courses: Ho,—I spie two Shippes yonder, that yaw too and a∣gen, they haue both sprung a Leake, I thinke the Diuell is sucking Tabaccho, heeres such a Mist: out with your boate, and you Besmen, cut-downe Maste-bith-borde; beare vp,
Ime a B••unt-fell•••• you see, All I say is this, You that scorne 〈…〉〈…〉, shall a Sea-man misse.Page [unnumbered]
Hell! Nay, if any that are in Hell, skip vp euer so nye Heauen, as these Diuells that spit fire did, Ile drinke nothing but Gun-pouder.
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Must not leaue you behinde mee; what paines a poore Diuell takes to get into a Merchant? hees so ciuill,
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7000. Crownes.
What payment's this?
The pension of the Stewes, you neede not vntye it, I brought it but now from the sealers office: ther's not a peece there, but has a hole in't, because men may knowe where twas had, and where it will be taken againe: blesse your worship? Stew-mony sir, Stew-Prunc cash sir.
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Bu•• bare 20••. crownes.
They are bare crownes indeede sir, and they came from Animals and vermin that are more bare: wee that are clarkes of these flesh-markets haue a great deale of rotten mutton lying vpon our hands, and finde this to bee a sore payment.
Yes sir, their haire comes off fast enough, we turne a∣way crack't french crownes euery day. I haue•• suite to your worship in behalfe of all our dealers in small wares, our free∣whores sir, you know my meaning.
I should haue brought a petition from 'em, but that tis put off sir, till clensing-weeke, that they may all be able to set to their hands, or else a whores marke.
Mary sir, that all the shee-tobacco-shops, that creepe vp daily in euery hole about the Citie, may bee put to sci∣lence.
I thanke your good worsh••p, I had not such a sweete bit giuen me this 7 yeeres, honest fellow: marry sir Ile open to you your suppliants cases: they that had wont to spend a crowne about a smocke, haue now their delight dog-cheape, but for spending one quarter of that mony in smoake: besides sir, they are not contented to robbe vs of our customes on∣ly, but when their pipes are fowle with spitting and driueling in those foresaide shops, they haue no place to burne 'em in, but our houses.
Let a frost come first sir: I thanke your venerable worsh••p; the pox gnaw out so many small guts as haue payde thee crownes.
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No sir Innocentio, To morrow on your bare word will I lend you 30. crownes more: I loue you sir, and wish you beware whose hands you fall into: the worlds a serpent.
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Maister Siluerpen the procter sir, sends word, if you come not in to morrow and personally depose your paymēt of the 200. crownes, youle be non-suited.
If oathes had back-dores to come in at, without dan∣ger of damnation, to catch a mans soule bith back, swearing were braue.
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Take a good draught, twill helpe you sir: It gulpes, hees almost breathles Carolo; away.
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Or as noble-men vse their great horses, when they Are past seruice: ••ell'em to brewers and make'em drey-horses: So vse a woman.
The Indians are warme without clothes, and a man Is best at ease without a woman: or if your Highnes must 〈…〉〈…〉 haue one, haue factors to buy the fairest, do ate no•• any, 〈…〉〈…〉 the turke, regard none, yet keepe many. 〈…〉〈…〉 You heare the Iuries verdit. 〈…〉〈…〉 ••hose foreman's the diuell? 〈…〉〈…〉 counsell thee to thy destruction.
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How? Sleepe? no sir no, I am turnd a tyrant and cannot sleepe:
I stand centinell perdu, and somebody dyes if I sleepe, I am possest with the diu••ll and cannot sle••pe.The ••encers diuell▪ a fighting diuell; Rush has com∣mitted a murder vpon my body, and his carcas shall answere it; the cock of my reuenge is vp.
He has taken away my good name, which is flat man∣sl••ughter, and halfe hangd me, which is as much as murder, he told the Lord Prior and you that I was kissing a wench: Its a lye, I giue him the lye, and he shall fight with me at single pistall against my caliuer, do I looke like a whorme••monger? when haue you seene a wencher thus ••iary as I am: Rush thou diest for this treason against my members concupis∣centiallitie.
No, but Ile make him know what tis to boile a cooke in's owne grease.
I am scalding hot; I am chargd with ••urie, I carie a heart-burning within me. I kisse a whore? I shall haue boyes cry out to me, now who kis•• Mary? No Rush, Scumbroth shall giue thee suger pellets to eate, I will not be danc'de vpon.
Let me but haue one blow ats head with my cleauer Ith kitchin, and I freely forgiue him, or let me bownce at him.
Doe you thinke so•• what becomes of our roaring boyes then that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 healths one to another, doe you thinke they will be damb•• vp too?
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Well si••▪ the cold water of your counsell has laid the neate of my ••urie: he had met with his match, but I wil shoote off my anger, I will be gon, and why? Looke you, because the moone is vp and makes hornes at one of vs; As the noble∣mans coach is drawne by foure horses, the knights by two, & the cuckold by three, euen so am I drawne away with none at all. Vale, Bonos Noches: I am possest still: It buzzes, here. Vale.
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But stay, father Subprior, before we goe one step farder, what doe you thinke I haue done since I went from you?
Hurt? If I did hurt in that, how much ha••me doe Al∣ma••••ke makers, who lye coldly quiuering at it all the yeare long? I did doe nothing but stand staring at the man in the moone.
This: I thought to my selfe, what a happy fellow that man in the moone was, to see so many fooles and knaues here below, and yet neuer to be troubled with 'em, nor meddle with 'em.
If that man in the moone should write a prognosti∣cation, oh he should not neede to tell astronomicall lyes to fill his booke, nor talke in gibrish no man vnderstands, of Quartiles, Aspects, Stations, Retrogradations, Peragrations; Cen∣tricall, Eccentricall, Cosmicall, Acronicall, and such Palquo••icall, Solar, Lunar, L••naticall vaulting ouer the railes of heauen, that no Christian dare looke vpon their tricks, for feare his wit breake his necke.
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Arts profound, Arts make men as very asses as wo∣men doe, I haue no Art, and yet I knowe this Moone that shines to night, sees more than you or I doe, for all your spec∣tacles.
Which of the eyes? tis but the left eye: and the Sun is the right: and yet the left sometimes sees more than the right, and the right as much as the left, ther••'s paxonisme for you father globicall paxonisme.
No, why heres the oyster opend, I say the Sun sees much knauery in a yere, & the Moone more in a quarter▪ the Moone sees men caryed by a quarelling watch to prison, and the Sun sees the constable and the booke-keep••r share fees the next morning.
Yes, but they sweare tis well: the Moone sees ba∣stards come b••wling into the world, & the Sun sees'em shif∣ted and shuftled in dossers, away to nurse, & thats the cause we haue so many dosser-heads: the Moone sees old curmudge∣ons come reeling from Tauerns with s••pping of halfe pi••tes of Sack, and the Sun sees the same churles the next day, so∣berly cutting any mans throate for a pennie.
What here lyes: mary, father Subprior, the diuell and some Vsuters mony haue bin here at their lecherie, and see what goodly children they haue begot: if you will ile keepe the bastards at nurse.
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Farewell good father, •• foole: Ile giue the blinde a dog to lead 'em, the lame shall to the whipping-post, the sick shall dye in a cage, and the hungry leap at a crust: I seede ••o••gues, the pox shall: the world is changde: a begger ye∣sterday, and full of gold to day: an asse to day, and a prow'd scab to morrow.
Stay: stand.—Golden head ascends.
Stand: cannot a Gentleman grow rich, but he must keepe knaues about him?
That gold is none of thine.
But all the craft in that great head of yours cannot get it out of my ••angers. Zounds who the diuel art thou?
A spirit sent vp from hell to make thee ri••h.
Thanke hell for it: hell makes worse foole rich in a yeere.
That gold I laide there for thee.
When doe you lay againe, that I may haue more of these egges?
Sp••nd those I charge thee first.
Yes, Head.
And brauely I charge thee.
What neede you be at such charges, Ile do••'t: but shall the poore be a pennie the better for me, as the old fel∣low charge me, yea, or no?
No. •• Within?
No.
Whose that?
Tis thine owne Genius cryes vnto thee no.
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My Genius, I am a cooke, my Genius then belike is a s••ullion; but when this is spent, can my Genius tell mee whither I shall haue more.
More.
More.
More.
More.
Because my Genius keepes company with a great man, Ile take all their wordes; and his bond.
Ha, ha! downe downe bright spirit, thou w••t bee mist anon, hell mynt stands ydle.
You that complaine gainst Barteruile, (receiuer of all our tribute-monies) speak your wrongs; nay you haue deafl'd our cares too much already, hee does confesse your crownes (payde and receiude) but to giue backe your writings ther's no clause, If them youle win, fight it out by our lawes.
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Tis but an old mans head off. King take it, ile speake whilest this stands on my shoulders.
An honest man, thou••'st haue this, ô I beseeke thy attention to this Reuerend sub••Prior,
Who plaines against disorders of this House; Where once Deuotion dwelt and Charitie, Ther's Drunkennesse now, Gluttonie, and Lecherie, Tell thou the Tale.I would your Grace would let me purge this ••ouse of her infection; bestowe the Liuings of it on mee, ile s••eeten it 〈◊〉〈◊〉 one Moneth.
The Couent, the Demeasnes, Immunities, Rents, Customes, Chartres, what to this house of Baall soeuer is belonging—Brisco tis thine.
Wut rob the Church too, (Now th'ast nothing left▪ scarce for thy selfe?)
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Barteruile, wee haue warres, Ile haue thee lend mee some▪ 30000. Chicquines at least.
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Giuen out his kinsman, lately imployed him in Turky.
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What saies the prodigall child in the painted cloth? when all his mony was spent and gon, they turnd him out vnnecessary; then did hee weepe and wist not what to don, for he was in's hose and doublet verily, the best is, there are but two batches of people moulded in this world, thats to say Gentlemen and Beggers; or Beggers and Gentlemen, or Gentlemanlike Beggers, or Beggerlike Gentle-men; I ranck with one of these I am sure, tag and rag one with another: Am I one of those whom Fortune fauours? No no, if Fortune fa∣uourd me, I should be full, but Fortune fauours no body but Garlicke, nor Garlike neither now, yet she has strong reason to loue it; for tho Garlicke made her smell abhominably in the nostrills of the gallants, yet she had smelt and stuncke worse but for garlike: One filthy sent takes away anoher. She once smilde vpon me like a lambe, when shee gaue me gold, but now she roares vpon me like a Lion. Stay: what said hea••? Spend this brauely, and thou shalt haue more: can ••ny prodigall new••come vpstart spend it more brauely? and now to get more, I must goe into the groue of Naples thats here, and get into a blacke tree, heares a blacke tree too, but art thou he?
O'at the head, thats to say at the top: how shall I get vp? for tis hard when a man is downe in this world to get vp, I shall neuer climbe hie.
Yes, I will lead (big Head) whatsoeuer followes, Many a gallant for gold, has climbde higher on a gallowes' The storme euen as Head nodded) is comming: Cooke, licke thy fingers, now or neuer.
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On which would you all were hang'd, so I were off it, and safe at home.
Doe witches ingender here: zounds I shall bee the diuels bawde whilest he goes to his techerie.
The best is, if I be a match in the diuels tinderbox, I can stinck no worse than I doe alreadie.
I thought the diuell was turnde Merchant, theres so many Pirates at Sea.
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Are there gentlemen diuels too? this is one of those, who studies the black Art, thats to say, drinkes Tobacco.
Its no meruaile if markets be•• deere, when the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 is b••und to find the diuell roast-meate.
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Call you this, rayning downe of gold? I am wet toth' skinne in the showre, but tis with sweating for feare: had I▪
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now had the conscience that some Vintners and Inholders haue? here might I haue gotten the diuell and all. But two sinnes haue vndone me, prodigalitie, and couetousnesse: and three Pees haue pepperd me, the Punck, the Pot, and Pipe of smoake, out of my pocket my gold did soake. I cannot sweare now, zounds I am gallant: but I can sweare as many of the ragged Regiment doe, zounds I haue bin a gallant. But I am now downe, deiected, and debash'd, and can better drawe out a thirdendale gallant, thats to say, a gallant that wants of his true measure, than any 〈◊〉〈◊〉 can draw him out of his scores: thus he 〈◊〉〈◊〉 vp and 〈◊〉〈◊〉 hee's pulls downe; thus is he raised and thus declinde:
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Blacke horrors, mischiefe ruine and confusion affright vs, follow vs.
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Of father Clements Order, The Capachines Subprior: a quick messenger fetched me to be rich Bateruiles confessor, who lyes a dying.
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Put vp: feare nothing: Armies should they enter, Cannot here find you.
Send ••or your trancks and iewels, ile ship you this night meane time, this vnknowne way, leads to a ce••lar, where a world cannot fetch you forth: In, In, if danger pur∣sue you, in a dry••fa•• ile packe you hence▪
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Heres the Duke of Calabria sir if you haue made mee tell a ••ye, thei••e se•••• me of a voiage to the yland of Hogs and Diuels, (the Barmudas,) ••e Duke sir.
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Ime past rewarding in this world, I looke onely for good mens prayers, theres the key Lurchall.
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Yes, choackt: that of which men die ore-night, and are well the next morning, wine has kild the Lorde Pryor: he ••••ud in a brauerie taste the liquor of our Vines, because you thr••atned he should neuer licke his lippes after. And the Kernell of a grape stopt his winde-pipe, for want of a ••kow∣ring-sticke.
To see more throates cut, and Execution of certaine Gallants is this morning. And I came running to see them, who like a whore spoyles euery good thing that comes into his hand. The hang-man, I leaue you to the Gallowes.
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There's in't a riddle (vncle) which by none but by these Friers onely, can be don.—Enter Friers aboue. So: are you mounted? Sing now.
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If you be right Serieants, for mony youle let mee goe. 5000 Crownes ile giue but to goe home.
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I am perbold, I am stewd, I am sod in a kettle of brim∣stone, pottage.—it scaldes,—it scaldes,—it scaldes,—it scaldes—whoo••
Towers, towers, towers, towers, pinnacles & towers, battlements and pynnacles, steeples, abbeys, churches and old chimnyes.
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Without drinke: two links of my chaine for a three halfe peny bottle of mother consciences Ale: drinke.
Foh, the great diuell or els some Aquauite woman has made water, It s••alds me.
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Hell grinnes to heare this roaring: wheres this black child of faddomles perdition? rarest diuell
That euer hould in Barathrum? here, (deere pupill) Of a new damnations stamp, Saucer-eyde Lucifer, H••s drunke to thee this deepe infernall boule off, Wut pledge his vglines?Page [unnumbered]
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Oyes! All manner of soules, if they loue their owne quietnes, keepe out of hell, vnlesse they haue horrible busi∣nesse at this infernall sessions, ypon paine of being damnably plagude for their lustines. Back there, let those shackeld rake∣hels shew their faces.
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R••uillac: I am Rauillac, that laughes at tortures, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 at death, defies all mercy: Iybbets, racks, fires, pin∣cers, scalding oyle, wilde-horses, I spit in the face of all.
No: were my tongue torne out with burning flesh∣hookes, Fames 1••00. tonges shall ••••ūder ou•• Rauilla••s name, ex••oll it, eternise it, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 it! Canonise it: oh!
Downe with this diuell to'th dunge on, there let him houle.
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So: all the billets lye close; glorious bonfire? ponti∣ficall bonfire; braue heads to contriue this, gallant soules to conspire in't, resolute hand to seale this with my blood, through fire, through flint; ha, ha, ha, whither fly my selfe to heauen, friends to honour, none to the halter, enemies to massacre, ha ha, dismall tragicall Comedy now?
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Minos, thy doome is iust;—But your all-fac'de Cai••ffs.)
What fi••h in your infernall Nets, Drew you vp Ith N••pl••s Court, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 and ••••rierie? We chard'de you saile thither: Is mischiefs Riuer there d••ie?One that can buy thee and ten such as thou art out of thy Sea-coale-pits ••ere. Is not this Newcastle?
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If you giue me bags full of Saw-dust, in stead of mo∣ney, my Ghost shall walke.
Tis a burning zeale must consume the wicked, and therefore I will not bee kept out, but will chastize and correct the foule Fiend.
Wee were all smoakt out of our owne Countrey, and sent to Rotterdam.
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All the brethren and sisters for the better part are crooked, and halt: for my owne part, I neuer went vpright.