The Guls Horn-booke: OR Fashions to please all sorts of Guls.
I Sing (like the Cuckooe in Iune) to bée laught at: if therefore I make a scuruy noise, and that my tunes sound vnmusical∣ly (the Ditty being altogether lame in re∣spect of the bad féete, and vnhansome in re∣gard of the worme-eaten fashion) you that haue authority vnder the broad seale of mouldy custom, to be called the Gentle Au∣dience, set your goodly great hands to my pardon: or else because I scorne to be vpbraided that I professe to instruct others in an Art, whereof I my selfe am ignorant, Doe your worst: chuse whether you will let my notes haue you by the eares or no: hisse or giue plaudities, I care not a nut-shell which of either: you can neither shake our Comick Theater with your stinking breath of hisses, nor raise it wt the thunder claps of your hands: vp it goes in Despetto del fato: ye motley is bought, & a coat with foure elbowes (for any one that will weare it) is put to ma∣king in defiance of the seuen wise maisters: for I haue smelt out of the musty shéetes of an old Almanacke, that (at one time or o∣ther) euen he that iets vpon the neatest and sprucest leather, euen he that talkes all Adage & Apothegme, even he that will not haue a wrinckle in his new Satten suit, though his mind be vglier then his face, and his face so ill fauoredly made, that he lookes at all times as if a tooth-drawer were fumbling about his gommes with Page 2 a thousand lame Heteroclites more, that cozen the world with a guilt spurre, and a ruffled boote, will be all glad to fit themselues in Will Somme• his wardrob, and be driuen (like a Flemish Hoy in foule weather) to slip into our Schoole, and take out a lesson. Tush, Caelum p•timus stultitia, all that are chosen Cunstables for their wit go not to heauen.
A fig therefore for the new found Colledge of Criticks. You Courtiers that do nothing but sing the Gamuth-Are of comple∣mentall courtesie, and at the rusticall behauiour of our Countrie Muse, will skrew forth worse faces then those which God and the Painter has bestowed vpon you, I defie your perfumd scorne: and vow to poyson your Muske cats, if their ciuet excrement doe but once play with my nose. You ordinary Gulles, that through a poore and silly ambition to be thought you inherit the reuenues of extraordinary wit will spend your shallow censure vpon the most elaborate Poeme, so lauishly, that all the painted table-men about you, take you to be heires apparant to rich Midasle, that had more skill in Alchimy, then Kelly with the Phylosophers stone: (for all that he could lay his fingers on, turned into heaten gold) dry Tobacco with my leaues (you good dry brained Polipragmo∣nists) till your pipe offices smoake with your pittifully stinking girds shot out against me. I coniure you (as you come of the right Goose-caps) staine not your house; but when at a new play you take vp the twelue-penny roome next the stage, (because the Lords & you may seeme to be haile fellow wel met) there draw forth this booke, read alowd, laugh alowd, and play the Antickes, that all the garlike mouthd stinkards may cry out, Away with the Foole: As for thée Zoylus, goe hang thy selfe: and for thée Momus chew nothing but hemlock, & spit nothing but the sirrup of Aloes vpon my papers, till thy very rotten lungs come forth for anger. I am Snake-proofe: and though with Hanniball you bring whole hogs-heads of vinegar railings, it is impossible for you to quench or come ouer my Alpine-resolution: I will saile boldly and despe∣rately alongst the shore of ye Ile of Guls: & in defiance of those ter∣rible blockhouses their loggerheads, make a true discouery of their wild (yet habitable) Country.
Sound an Allarum therefore (O thou my couragious Muse) and like a Dutch cryer make proclamation with thy Drum: the Page 3 effect of thine O-yes, being, That if any man, woman, or child, be he Lord, be he Lowne, be he Courtier, be he Carter, of ye Innes a Court, or Innes of Citty, that hating from the bottome of his heart, all good manners and generous education, is really in loue, or rather doates on that excellent country Lady, Innocent simpli∣city, being the first, fairest, and chiefest Chamber-maide that our great Grandame Eue, entertained into seruice: Or if any person aforesaid longing to make a voyage in the ship of Fooles, would venture all the wit that his mother left him, to liue in the country of Guls, Cockneyes, and Coxcombs; to the intent that haūting Theaters, he may fit there like a popiniay, onely to learne Play-spéeches, which afterward may furnish ye necessity of his bare know¦ledge, to maintaine table talke, or else heating Tauernes, desires to take the Bacchanalian degrées, and to waite himselfe in Arte bi∣bendi magister: that at ordinaries would sit like Bias•e, and in the stréets walke like a braggart, that on foote longs to goe like a French Lacque, and on horse-backe rides like an English Tailor, or that from seuen yeares and vpward, till his dying day, has a monethes mind to haue ye Guls Horn-booke by heart, by which in time he may be promoted to serue any Lord in Europ, as his craf∣ty Foole or his bawdy Iester, yea and to be so déere to his Lord∣ship, as for the excellency of his fooling, to be admitted both to ride in Coach with him, and to lie at his very féete on a truckle-bed. Let all such (and I hope the world has not left her olde fashions. but there are ten thousand such) repaire hither. Neuer knocke, you that striue to be Ninny-hammer) but with your féete spurne open the doore and enter into our Schoole: you shall not néede to buy bookes, no, scorne to distinguish a B from a battle doore, onely looke that your eares be long enough to reach our Rudiments, and you are made for euer. It is by heart that I would haue you to con my lessons, and therefore be sure to haue most deuouring stomaches. Nor be you terrified with an opinion that our Rules be hard and indigestible, or that you shall neuer be good Gra∣duates in these rare sciences of Barbarisme, and Idiotisme: Oh fie vppon any man that carries that vngodly minde! Tush, tush, Tarleton, Kemp, nor Singer, nor all the lit∣ter of Fooles that now come drawling behinde them, neuer plaid the Clownes more naturally then the arrantest Sot of you all, Page 4 shall, if hee will but boyle my Instructions in his braine∣pan.
And lest I my selfe, like some Pedanticall Vicar, stammering out a most false and crackt latine oration to maiester Maior of the towne, and his brethren, should cough and hem in my deliueries, by which meanes you (my Auditors) should be in danger to depart more like woodcockes then when you came to me: O thou vene∣rable father of antient (and therefore hoary) customes, Syluanus, I inuoke thy assistance; thou that first taughtest Carters to weare hob-nailes, and Lobs to play Christmas gambols, and to shew the most beastly horse-trickes: O do thou, or (if thou art not at leasure) let thy Mountibancke goat-footed Fauni, inspire me, with the knowledge of all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old dunsticall world woare euen out at elbowes: draw for me the pictures of the most simple fellowes then liuing, that by their pat∣terns I may paint the like. Awake thou noblest drunkerd Bac∣chus, thou must likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for réeling) teach me ( you soueraigne Skinker) how to take the Ger∣manies vpsy freeze; the Danish Rowsa, the Switzers stoap of Rhe∣nish, the Italians Parmizant: the Englishmans healthes, his hoopes, cans, halfe cans, Gloues, Frolicks and flap dragons, together with the most notorious qualities of the truest tospots, as when to cast, when to quarrell, when to fight, and where to sléepe: hide not a drop of thy moist mystery from me, (thou plumpest swil-bowle) but (like an honest red-nosed wine bibber) lay open all thy secrets & ye mystical Hierogliphick of Rashers ath coales, Modicums & Shoo∣ing hornes, and why they were inuented, for what occupations, and when to be vsed. Thirdly (because I will haue more then two strings to my bow) Comus, thou Clarke of Gluttonies Kitchen, doe thou also bid me proface, and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in all the generall rules of Epicures and Cormorants. Fatten thou my braines that I may féede others, and teach them both how to squat downe to their meat, and how to munch, so like Loobies, that the wisest Solon in the world shall not be able to take them for any other. If there be any strength in thée, thou beggerly monarke of Indians, and setter-vp of rotten-lungd chim∣ney-swéepers (Tobacco) I beg it at thy smoaky hands: make me thine adopted heire, that inheriting the vertues of thy whiffes, I Page 5 may distribute them amongst all nations, and make the phanta∣stick Englishmen (aboue the rest) more cunning in the distinction of thy Rowle Trinidado, Leafe and Pudding, then the whitest toothd Blackamoore in all Asia. After thy pipe, shal ten thousands be taught to daunce, if thou wilt but discouer to me the swéetnesse of thy snuffes, with the manner of spawling, slauering, spetting and driueling in all places, and before all persons. Oh what songs will I charme out in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking breaths. which are easily purchast at thy hands, if I can but get thée to trauell through my nose. All the foh's in the fairest Ladies mouth that euer kist Lord, shall not fright me from thy browne presence: for thou art humble, and from the Courts of Princes hast vouch∣safed to be acquainted with penny galleries, and (like a good-fel∣low) to be drunke for company, with Water-men, Carmen and Colliers, wheras before, and so still, Knights and wis• Gentlemen were, & are thy companions. Last of all, thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolemistres of fooles and wisacres, thou hemely (but harmelesse) Rusticity, Oh breath thy dull and dunsticall spi∣rit into our ganders quill; crowne me thy Poet, not with a gar∣land of Bayes, (oh no! the number of those that steals Lawret is too monstrous already) but swaddle thou my browes with those vnhansome boughes, which (like Autums rotten haire) hang dang∣ling ouer thy dusty eye-lids. Helpe me (thou midwife of vnman∣nerlinesse) to be deliuered of this Embryon that lies tumbling in my braine: direct me in this hard and dangerous voyage, that be∣ing safely arriued on the desired shore, I may build vp Altars to to thy Vnmatcheable Rudenesse: the excellency whereof I know will be so great, that Grout-nowles and Moames will in swannes fly buzzing about thee. So Herculean a labour is this that I vn∣dertake, that I am enforcd to ball out for all your succours, to the intent I may aptly furnish this feast of Fooles, vnto which I so∣lemnely inuite all the world: for at it shall sit not only those whom Fortune fauours, but euen those whose wits are naturally their owne. Yet because your artificiall Fooles beare away the bell, all our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to fashion such a Creature.
CHAP. I. The old world & the new waighed together: T the Tailors of those times and these compared: The apparell and dyet of our first fa∣thers.
GOOD Cloathes are the embrodred trappings of pride, and good cheere the very Eringo-roote of glutto∣ny: so that fine backes, and fat bellies are Coach-horses to two of the seuen deadly sins: In the bootes of which Coach, Lechery and Sloth fit like the wai∣ting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors and Cookes stand by meanes of their offices, for both those trades are Apple-squices, to that couple of sinnes. The one inuents more phantasticke fashions, then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was laid: the other more likerish Epvcurean dishes, then were euer serud vp to Gallonius table. Did man (thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, then all his life time to make priuy searches in Bucch•n-law for Whale∣bone doublets, or for pies of Nightingale tongues in Heliogaba∣lus his kitchin? No▪ no, the first suit of apparell that euer mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercers shop, nor the Mer∣chants ware-house: Adams bill would haue béene taken then soo∣ner then a Knights bond now, yet was hee great in no bodies bookes for satten and veluets: the silk-wormes had something else to do in those dayes then to set vp loomes and be frée of the wea∣uers, his bréeches were not so much worth as K. Stephens▪ that cost but a poore noble: for Adam▪ holyday hose and doublet were of no better stuffe then plaine fig leaues, and Eues best gowne of the same péece, there went but a paire of sheeres betwéene them. An Antiquary in this towne, has yet some of the powder of those leaues dryed to shew. Taylors then were none of the twelue Companies: their Hall that now is larger then some Dorpes a∣mong the Netherlands, was then no bigger then a Dutch But∣chers shop• they durst not strike downe their customers with large hilles: Adam cared not an apple-paring for all their lowzy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the Skippers galli∣gas••: the Switzers blistred Cod-péece, nor the Danish sléeue, sag∣ging Page 7 downe like a Welsh wallet, the Italians close strosser, nor the French standing coller: your trebble-quadruple Daedalian ruffes, nor your stiffe necked Rebatoes (that haue more arches for pride to row vnder, then can stand vnder fiue London Bridges) durst not then set themselues out in print: for the pattent for starch could by no meanes bee signd. Fashions then was counted a disease, and horses dyed of it: But now (thankes to fol∣ly) it is held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden Asses liue vpon it.
As for the dyet of that Saturnian age, it was like their attire, homely: A sallad, and a messe of léeke porridge, was a dinner for a farre greater man then euer the Turke was: Potato-pies and Custards, stood like the sinfull suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chayres Crookes his ordinary in those parsimonious dayes, had not a Capons leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspicious Venecian carued not his meate with a siluer pitch forke: neither did the swéet toothd En∣glishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meale. Peirs plough∣man layd the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully is the world altered? and no maruell, for it has lyen sicke almost fiue thousand yeares: So that it is no more like the old Theater du munde then old Paris garden is like the Kings garden at Paris.
What an excellent workeman therefore were he that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: And not to make it looke like Mullineux his Globe with arownd face sleekt and washt ouer with whites of egges; but to haue it in Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels and figures, represen∣ting indéede, all the wrinckles, crackes, creuises and flawes that (like the Mole on Hartens chéeke, being os amoris) stuck vpon it at the first creation, and made it looke most louely; but now those surrowes are fild vp with Ceruse and Uermilion, yet all will not doe, it appeares more vgly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a birding-péece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouthes of Chamber-maides by féeding on so many swéet meats. And though to purge it wil be a sorer labour then the Page 8 clensing of Augeaes stable, or the scowring of Moore-ditch: yet Ille ego, qui quondam, I am the Pasquilles mad-cap, that will doot.
Draw néere therefore all you that loue to walke vpon single and simple soules, and that with to kéepe company with none but Innocents, and the sonnes of ciuill Citizens, out with your ta∣bles, and naile your eares, (as it were to the pillary) to the Musique of our instructions: nor let ye title Gullery, fright you frō schoole: for marke what an excellent ladder you are to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their lear∣ning of all offices, from the scauenger and so vpward) haue flou∣rished in London, of ye ancient familie of ye Wiseacres, being now no better estéemd then fooles and yonger brothers? This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable time when that houre-glasse is turnd vp) a rich mans sonne shall no sooner péepe out of the shell of his minority, but he shall straight waies be begd for a concealement, or set vpon (as it were by frée-booters) and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. To driue which pestilent infection from the heart, heeres a medicine more potent and more precious then was euer that mingle man∣gle of drugs which Mithrydates boyld together. Feare not to tast it, a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as this will: you néede not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: the Receipt hath béene subscribed vnto, by all those that haue had to doe with Simples with this moth-eaten Motto, Probatum est: your Diacatholicon aureum, that with gun-powder brings threa∣tens, to blow vp all diseases that come in his way, & smels worse then Assa soetida in respect of this. You therefore whose bodyes either ouerflowing with the corrupt humours of this ages phanta∣sticknesse, or else being burnt vp with the inflāmation of vpstart fashions, would faine be purgd: and to shew that you truly loath this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Pimonists, not caring either for men or their maners; doe you pledge me: spare not to •ake a déepe draught of our homely councell: the cup is full, and so •rge, that I holdly drinke a health vnto all commers.
CHAP. II. How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the charges of taking physicke: with other rules for the morning. The praise of Sleepe and of going naked.
YOU haue heard all this while nothing but the Pro∣logue, and séene no more but a dumbe shew: Our Vetus Comaedia steps out now. The fittest stay, vp∣on which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first to present your selfe, is in my approued iudge∣ment) the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you shall neuer rise till you heare it ring noone at least. Sléepe in the name of Morpheus your belly full, or (rather) sléepe till you heare your belly grombies and waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity of Salerne, that come ouer you, with
Swéete candied councell, but theres rats-bane vnder it: trust neuer a Bachiler of Art of them all, for he speakes your health faire but to steale away the maidenhead of it: Salerne stands in the luxurious country of Naples, and who knowes not that the Neapolitan, will (like Derick the hang-man) embrace you with one arme, and rip your guts with the other? theres not a haire in his Mustachoo, but if he kisse you; will stabbe you through the chéekes like a penyard: the slaue to be auenged on his enemy, will drink off a pint of poison himselfe, so ye he may be sure to haue the other pledge him but halfe so much: And it may be that vpon some secret grudge to worke the generall destructi∣on of all mankinde, those verses were composed. Phisitians I know (and none else) tooke vp the bucklers in their defence, rai∣ling bitterly vpon that venerable and princely custome of Long lying a bed: Yet now I remember me, I cannot blame them: Page 10 for they which want sléepe (which is mans naturall rest become either meere Naturals, or else fall into the Doctors hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas he that snorts profound∣ly scornes to let Hippocrates himselfe stand tooting on his Uri∣nall: and thereby saues that charges of a groates-worth of Phy∣sicke: And happy is that man that saues it: for phisick is, Non minus venefica, quàm benefica, it hath an ounce of gall in it, for euery dram of hony. Ten Tyburnes cannot turne men ouer ye pearch so fast as one of these brewers of purgations: the very nerues of their practise, being nothing but Ars Homicidiorum, an Art to make poore soules kick vp their héeles. In so much that euen their sicke grunting patients, stand in more danger of M. Doctor and his drugs▪ then of all the Cannon shots which the desperate disease it selfe can discharge against them. Send them packing therefore to walke like Italian Mountibankes, beate not your braines to vnderstand their parcell-gréeke, parcell-latine gibrish: let not all their sophisticall buzzing into your eares, nor their Satyricall canuasing of feather-beds and tossing men out of their warme blanckers, awake you till the houre that héere is prescribed.
For doe but consider what an excellent thing sléepe is: It is so inestimable a Iewell, that if a Tyrant would giue his crowne for an houres slumber, it cannot be bought: of so beautifull a shape is it, that tho a man lye with an Empresse, his heart can not be at quiet, till he leaues her embracements to be at rest with the other: yea so greatly indebted are we to this kinseman of death, that we owe the better tributary, halfe of our life to him: and thers good cause why we should do so: for sleepe is that gol∣den chaine that ties health and our bodies together. Who com∣plaines of want? of woundes? of cares? of great mens op∣pressions? of captiuity? whilest hée sléepeth? Beggers in their beds take as much pleasure as Kings: can we therefore surfet on this delicate Ambrosia? can we drink too much of that whereof to tast too little, tumbles vs into a Church-yard, and to vse it but indifferently, throwes vs into Bedlam? No, no, looke vppon Endymion, the Moones Minion, who stept thréescore & fiftéene yeares and was not a haire the worse for it. Can lying abedde till noone then (being not the thréescore and fifteenth thou∣sand Page 11 part of his nap be hurtfull?
Besides, by the opinion of all Phylosophers and Physitians, it is not good to trust the aire with our bodies till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings hath fand away the mistrie smoake of the morning, and refind that thicke tobacco-breath which the rheumaticke night throwes abroad of purpose to put out the eye of the Clement: which worke questionlesse cannot be per∣fectly finisht till the Sunnes Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest noone: so yt then, (and not till then) is the most healthfull houce to be stirring. Do you require examples to per∣swade you? At what time do Lords and Ladies vse to rise but then? your simpring Merchants wiues are the fairest lyers in the world, and is not eleuen a clocke their common houre? they finde (no doubt) vnspeakeable swéet•esse in such ly∣ing, else they would not day by day put it so in practise. In a word, mid day slumbers are golden, they make the body fat, the skin faire, the flesh plump▪ delicate and tender; they set a russet colour on the chéekes of young women, and make lusty courage to rise vp in men: they make vs thirfty, both in sparing victu∣als (for breakefasts thereby are sand from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preseruing apparell: for whilest wée warme vs in our beds, our cloathes are not worne.
The casements of thine eyes being then at this commenda∣ble time of the day, newly set open, choose rather to haue thy wind-pipe cut in péeces then to salute any man. Bid not good morrow so much as to thy father, tho he be an Emperour. An idle ceremony it is, and can doe him little good; to thy selfe it may bring much harme: for if he be a wise man that knowes how to hold his peace, of necessity must he be counted a foole that cannot kéepe his tongue?
Amongst all the wild men, that runne vp and downe in this wide forrest of fooles▪ (the world) none are more superstitious then those notable Ebritians, the Iewes: yet a Iewe neuer weares his cap thréed-hare with putting it off: neuer bends it'h hammes with casting away a leg: neuer cries God saue you, tho he sées the Diuell at your elbow. Play the Iewes therefore in this, and saue thy lips that labour, onely remember that so soone as thy eye lids be vnglewd thy first exercise must be (either sitting vpright on thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole Page 12 le••th, to yawne, to stretch and to gape wider then any oyster∣wise: for thereby thou doest not onely send out the liuely spirits (like Vaunt-currers) to fortifie and make good the vttermost bor∣ders of the body; but also (as a cunning painter) thy goodly li∣neame•ts are drawne out in their fairest proportion.
This lesson being playd: turne ouer a new leafe, and (vnlesse that Fréezela•d Curre cold winter, offer to bite thée) walke a while, vp and downe thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt onely, or else (which at a bare word is both more decent aad more de∣lectable) strip thy selfe starke naked. Are we not borne so? and shall a foolish custome make vs to breake the lawes of our Crea∣tion? our first parents so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but after they got coates to their backes, they were turnd out a doores: Put on therefore either no appa∣rel at all, or put it on carelesly: for looke how much more delicate libertie is then bondage, so much is the loosenesse in wearing of our attire, aboue the imprisonment of being neatly and Tailor∣like drest vp in it: To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready for nothing else. A man lookes as if hee hung in chaines; or like a scar-crow: and as those excellent birds (whom Pliny could neuer haue the wit to catch in all his sprindges commonly called wood∣cocks (whereof there is great store in England) hauing all their feathers pluckt from their backes, and being turnd out as naked as Platoes cocke was before all Diogenes his Schollers: or as the Cuckooe in Christmas, are more fit to come to any Knights board, and are indéede more seruiceable then when they are lapt in their warme liueries: euen so stands the case with man. Truth (because the bald-pate her father Time, has no haire to couer his head) goes (when she goes best) starke naked; But falshood has euer a cloake for the raine. You sée likewise that the Lyon, being the king of beasts, the horse being the lustiest crea∣ture, the Unicorne, whose horne is worth halfe a City, all these go with no more clothes on their backes, then what nature hath bestowed vpon them; But you Babiownes, and you Iack-an∣apes (being the scum, and rascality of all the hedge-créepers) they go in ierkins and mandilions: marry how? they are put into these rags onely in mockery.
Oh beware therefore both what you weare, and how you Page 13 weare it, and let this heauenly reason moue you neuer to be han∣some, for when the Sunne is arising out of his bed, does not the element séeme more glorious then (being onely in gray) at noone when hées in all his brauery? it were madnesse to deny it. What man would not gladly sée a beautifull woman naked, or at least with nothing but a lawne or some loose thing ouer her, and euen highly lift her vp for being so? Shall wee then abhorre that in our selues, which we admire and hold to be so ex∣cellent in others? Absit.
CHAP. III. How a yong Gallant should warme himselfe by the fire: How attire himselfe: The description of a mans head: The praise of long haire.
BUT if (as it often happens vnlesse the yeare catch the sweating sicknesse) the morning like charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome, pinching thée black and blew, (with her nailes made of yce) like an inuisible Goblin, so that thy téeth (as if thou wert sing∣ing prick-song) stand coldly quauering in thy head, and leap vp and downe like the nimble Iackes of a paire of Uirginals: be then as swift as a whirle-winde, and as boy∣strous in tossing all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which bundle filling thine armes, steppe brauely forth, crying Roome, what a coyle keepe you about the fire? The more are set round about it, the more is thy commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest ouer their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to créepe into the chimney corner: there toast thy body, till thy scorched shinne be speckled all ouer, being staind with more motley colours then are to be séene on the right side of the raine∣bow.
Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hot house of the chimney, thou féelest the fat dew of thy body (like basting) runne trickling down thy sides: for by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast that thou liuest by the sweat of thy browes.
Page 14As for thy stockings and shoos, •o weare them, that all men may point at thee and make thee▪ amous by th•t glorious name of a Male content▪ Or if thy quicksiluer can runne so •arre on thy errant as to fetch three bootes out of S. Ma•ren• let it be thy prudence to haue the tops of them wide as ye mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose ouer them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doues are accounted innocent & louing creatures: thou in obseruing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-•ooted doue, and bée held as innocent. Besides, the strawling, which of necessity so much lether betwéen thy legs must put thée into, will bee thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentle∣man-like habit.
Hauing thus apparelled thée from top to toe, according to that simple fashion which the best Goose-caps in Europ striue to imi∣tate, it is now high time for me to haue a blow at thy head, which I will not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on faster, bestowing vpon it such excellent caruing, that if all the wise men of Gottam should lay their heades together, their Iobber-nowles should not bee able to compare with thine.
To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine, strongly guar∣ded, and in good reparation, neuer suffer combe to fasten his téeth there: let thy haire grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse, lest those sixe-footed creatures that bréede in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee hunted to death by euery base barbarous Barber; and so that delicate and ticling pleasure of scratching, be vtterly taken from thée: For the H•ad is a house built for Reason to diuell in: and thus is the tenement framd. The two Eyes are the glasse windowes, at which light disperses it selfe into euery roome, hauing goodly pent∣houses of haire to ouershaddow them: As for the nose, tho some (most iniuriously and improperly) make it serue for an Indian chimney yet surely it is rightly a bridge with two arches, vnder which are neat passages to conuey as well perfumes to aire and sweeten euery chamber, as to •arry away all noisome filth that is swept out or vncle•ne corners. The cherry lippes open like the new painted gates of a Lords Maiors house, to take in prouision. The tongue is a bell, hanging iust vnder the middle of the roofe, Page 15 and lest it should be rung out too déepe (as sometimes it is when women haue a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder, but onely to tole softly, there are two euen rowes of Iuory pegs (like pales set to kéep it in. The eares are two Musique roomes into which as well good sounds as bad, descend downe two nar∣row paire of staires, that for all the world haue crooked windings like those that lead to the top of Powles stéeple: & because when the tunes are once gotten in, they should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both places are plaistred with yellow wax round about them. Now as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht with walles chimnies, chambers, & all other parts of Architecture, yet if the féeling be wanting, it stands subiect to raine, and so consequently to ruine. So would this goodly palace, which wée haue moddeld out vnto you, bee but a cold and bald habitation, were not the top of it rarely couered. Nature therfore has plaid the Tyler, and giuen it a most curious couering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht it all ouer, and that Thatching is haire. If then thou desirest to reserue that Fée-simple of wit, (thy head) for thée and the lawfull heires of thy body, play nei∣ther the scuruy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes vp all by ye rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman, who to maintaine a paltry warren of vnprofitable Conies, disimparkes the state∣ly swift-footed wild Deere: But let thine receiue his full growth that thou maiest safely and wisely brag tis thine owne Bush-Naturall.
And with all consider, that as those trées of Cob-web-lawne, (wouen by Spinners the fresh May-mornings) doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines, and adorne the swelling bo∣somes of the valleyes: Or as those snowy fléeces which the na∣ked bryer steales from the innocent nibling shéepe, to make him∣selfe a warme winter liuery, are to either of them both an excel∣cellent ornament: So make thou account that to haue fethers sticking héere and there on thy head, will embellish and set thy crowne out rarely None dare vpbraid thée, that like a begger thou hast lyen on straw or like a trauelling Pedler vpon musty flockes: for those feathers will rise vp as witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to proue that thy bed was of the softest Downe.
Page 16When your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres to their Mistresses and to Reuelling, they weare fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the fairest ensignes of their brauery: But thou a Reueller and a Mistris-seruer all the yeare by wearing fethers in thy haire▪ whose length, before the rigorous edge of any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shor∣ten the breadth of a finger, let the thrée huswifely spinsters of Destiny rather curtall the thréed of thy life. O no, long haire is the onely nette that women spread abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men be as farre aboue women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others? The merry Greekes were called 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 long haird: loose not thou (be∣ing an honest Troian) that honour, sithence it will more fairely become thée. Grasse is the haire of the earth, which so long as it is suffred to grow, it becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his mowes at it, and like a Barber) shaues it off to the stumps, then it withers and is good ••r nothing, but to be trust vp and thrown amongst Iades. How vgly is a bald pate? it lookes like a face wanting a nose: or like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of Archers, wheras a head al hid in haire, giues euen to a most wic∣ked face a swéet proportion, & lookes like a meddow newly mar∣ryed to the Spring: which beauty in men the Turkes enuying, they no sooner lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set vpon him, to make him know hées a slaue, is to shaue off all his haire close to the scull. A Mahumetan cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe bréeches and tennis balles with that, which when tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out and yet hardly catch it againe.
You then to whom chastity has giuen an heire apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to that purpose let it play o∣penly wt the lasciuious wind euē on ye top of your shoulders. Ex∣perience cries out in euery Citty, that those selfe-same Criticall Saturnists, whose haire is shorter then their eye-browes, take a pride to haue their hoary beards hang slauering like a dozen of Fox tailes, downe so low as their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and lippes of old men lick vp that excrement which they vyolently clip away from the heads of yong men? Is Page 17 it because those long béesomes (their beards) with swéeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong wiues, may tickle their ten∣der breasts, and make some amends for their maisters vnreco∣uerable dulnesse? No, no there hangs more at the ends of those long gray haires, then all the world can come to the knowledge of. Certaine I am, that when neue but the golden age went currant vpon earth, it was hither treason to clip haire, then to clip money: the combe and scizers were condemned to the cur∣rying of hackneyes: he was di•franchized for euer, that did but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman and child, woare then haire longer then a law-suit: euery head, when it stood bare or vncouered, lookt like a butter-boxes •owle hauing his thrumbd cap on. It was frée for all Nations to haue shaggy pates, as it is now onely for the Irishman: But since this polling and sha∣uing world crept vp, locks-were lockt vp▪ and haire sell to decay. Reuiue thou therefore the old buryed fashion, on▪ and (in scorne of per•wigs and shéep-shearing kéep thou that qu•lted head-péece on continually. Long haire will make thée looke dreadfully to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is in peace, an ornament: in warre, a strong helmet! It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the len•en thunip of a bullet. In winter it is a warme night-cap, in sommer a cooling •a•ne of fethers.
CHAP. IIII. How a Gallant should behaue himselfe in Powles-walkes.
BEEING weary with sayling vp & downe almost these shores of Barbaria, héere let vs cast our Anchor and nimbly leape to land in one coast•, whose fresh aire shall be so much the more pleasing to vs, if the Ninny hammer (whose perfection we labour to set forth) haue 〈…〉 much •oolish wit le•t him▪ as to choose the place where to suche in: •or that true humorous Gallant that de∣sires to powre himselfe into all fashions (〈◊〉 his ambition be such to excell euer Complement it selfe) must as well practise to di∣minish his 〈◊〉 as to bee various in his salle•s curious in his 〈◊〉; or ingenious in the tru••ing vp of a new Sretch∣hose: Page 18 All which vertues are excellent and able to maintaine him, especially if the old worme-eaten Farmer, (his father) bée dead, and left him fiue hundred a yeare, onely to kéepe an Irish hobby, an Irish horse-boy, and himselfe (like a gentleman.) Hée therefore that would striue to fashion his legges to his silke stoc∣kins, and his proud gate to his broad garters, let him whiffe downe these obseruations, for if he once get but to walke by the booke (and I sée no reason but hee may as well as fight by the booke) Powles may be prowd of him, Will Clarke shall ring forth Encomiums in his honour, Iohn in Powles Church-yard, shall fit his head for an excellent blocke, whilest all the Innes of Court reioyce to behold his most hansome calfe.
Your Mediterranean Ile, is then the onely gallery, wherein the pictures of all your true fashionate and complementall Guls are and ought to be hung vp: into that gallery carry your neat body, but take héede you pick out such an houre, when the maine Shoale of Ilanders are swimming vp and downe: and first ob∣serue your doores of entrance, and your Exit, not much vnlike the plaiers at the Theaters, kéeping your Decorums euen in phantasticality. As for example: if you proue to be a Northerne Gentleman I would wish you to passe through the North doore more often (especially) then any of the other: and so according to your countries, take note of your entrances.
Now for your venturing into the Walke▪ be circumspect and wary what piller you come in at, and take héede in any case (as you loue the reputation of your honour) that you auoide the Seruing mans Logg, and approch not within fiue fadom of that Piller, but bend your course directly in the middle line, that the whole body of the Church may appeare to be yours, where, in view of all, you may publish your suit in what manner you af∣fect most, either with the slide of your cloake from the one shoul∣der, and then you must (as twere in anger) suddenly snatch at the middle of the inside (if it be taffata at the least) and so by ye meanes your costly lining is betrayd, or else by the pretty aduan∣tage of Complement. But one note by the way do I especially we•e you to, the neglect of which, makes many of our Gallants cheape and ordinary, that by no meanes you be séene aboue foure turnes, but in the fift make your selfe away, either in some of Page 19 the Sempsters shops, the new Tobacco-office, or amongst the Booke-sellers, where, if you cannot reade, exercise your smoake, and inquire who has writ against this diuine wéede: &c. For this withdrawing your selfe a little, will much benefite your suit, which else by too long walking, would be stale to the whole spectators: but howsoeuer, if Powles Iacks bee once vp wt their elbowes, and quarrelling to strike eleuen, as soone as euer the clock has parted them, and ended the fray with his hammer, let not the Dukes gallery conteyne you any longer, but passe a∣way apace in open view. In which departure, if by chance you either encounter, or aloofe off throw your inquisitiue eye vpon any knight or Squire, being your familiar, salute him not by his name of Sir such a one, or so, but call him Ned or Iack &c. This will set off your estimation with great men: and if (tho there be a dozen companies betwéene you, tis the better) hee call a∣lowd to you (for thats most gentile) to know where he shall find you a• two a clock, tell him at such an Ordinary or such, and bée sure to name those that are déerest, and whither none but your Gallants resort. After dinner you may appeare againe hauing translated yourselfe out of your English cloth cloak, into a light Turky-grogram (if you haue that happinesse of shifting) and then we séene (for a turne or two) to correct your téeth with some quill, or siluer instrument, and to cleanse your gummes with a wrought handkercher: It skilles not whether you dinde or no, (thats best knowne to your stomach) or in what place you dinde, though it were with chéese (of your owne mothers making) in your chamber or study.
Now if you chance to bee a Gallant not much crost amongst Citizens, that is, a Gallant in the Mercers bookes, exalted for Sattens and veluets, if you be not so much blest to bée crost (as I hold it the greatest blessing in the world, to bee great in no mans bookes) your Powles walke is your onely refuge: the Dukes Tomb is a Sanctuary, and will kéepe you aliue from wormes and land-rattes, that long to be féeding on your carkas: there you may spend your legs in winter a whole after-noone: conuerse, plot, laugh, and talke any thing, iest at your Creditor, euen to his face, and in the euening, euen by lamp-light, steale ant, & so cozen a whole coup of abhominable catch-pols.
Page 20Neuer be séene to mount the steppes into the quire, but vpon a high Festiuall day, to preferre the fashion of your doublet, and especially if the singing boyes séeme to take note of you: for they are able to buzze your praises, aboue their An•hems if their v•y•es haue not lost their maiden-heads, but be sure your siluer spurres dogge your heeles, and then the B•yes will sw•rme about you like so many white 〈…〉 when you in the open Quire shall dr•we forth a 〈◊〉 embrodred purse, (the glorious •ight of which▪ will ent•ce ma•y Country-men from their deu•sion to wondring) 〈…〉 Siluer into the Boyes handes▪ that it may 〈◊〉 hea•d 〈◊〉 the first lesson, although it be reade in a voy•e as big as one of the great Organs.
This noble and notable Act being performed you are to va∣nish presently out of the Quire, & to appeare againe 〈◊〉 the •alk; But in any wise be not obserued to t•e•d there long alone, for feare you be suspected to be a Gallant, ••sh••rd from the 〈◊〉 of Captens and Figh•ers.
Sucke this humour vp especially▪ Put off to none vnlesse his hatband be of a 〈…〉•uain∣ter: but for him that 〈…〉 about his h•tte, (though he were an Aldermans sonne) neuer moue to him: for hees suspected to be worse then a Gull,• not worth the putting off to, that cannot obserue the time of his hat•band, nor know what fashiond block is most kin to his head: for in my opinion, ye braine that cannot choise his Felt well, (being the head ornament) must needes powre folly into all the rest of the members, and bée an absolute confirmed Foole, in Summa Totali.
All the diseasd horses in a tedious seige, cannot shew so many fashions, as are to be séene for nothing euery day in Duke Hum∣fryes walke. If therefore you determine to enter into a new suit, warne your T•lor to atte•d you in Powles who, with his hat in his hand, shall like a spy discouer the stuffe, colour, and fashi∣on of any doublet or hose that dare be séene there and stepping behind a pilles to fill his table-bookes with those notes, will pre∣sently send you into the world an accomplisht man, by which meanes you shall weare your clothes in print wt the first edition.
Page 21But if Fortune fauour you so much as to make you no more then a méere country gentleman, or but some▪ degrées remoud fi• him▪ (for which I should be very sor•e, because your London-experience wil cost you 〈◊〉 before you shal haue ye wit to know what you are) then take this lesson along with you: The first time that you 〈…〉Powles, passe through the body of the Church like a P•r•er, yet presume not to fetch so much as one whole turne in the middle Ile, no nor to cast an eye to Si∣quis d•o•e (pasted & plais••ed vp with Seruingmens supplica∣tions) before you haue paid tribute to the top of Powles steeple with a single penny 〈◊〉 when you are mounted there, take heede how you •oo•e downe into the yard; for the ra••es are as 〈◊〉 as your great Grand-father: and therupon it will not be 〈◊〉 if you 〈◊〉 how •it Woodros•e durst vault ouer, and what reason h• had •or•, to put his necke in hazard of repa∣rations. From hence you may descend to talke about the horse that went vp, and 〈…〉 to know his keeper, take the day of the Moneth, and the number of the steppes, and suffer your selfe to beleeue verily that it was not a horse, but something else in the likenesse of one. Which wonders you may publish when 〈…〉 into the country, to the great amazement of all Farme•s daughters that will almost swound at the report, and neuer recouer till their ba•es bee asked twice in the Church.
But I haue not left you yet: Before you come downe againe, I would desire you to draw your knife, and graue your name, (or for want of a name, the marke which you clap on your shéep) in great Caracters vpon the leades by a number of your bre∣thren (both Citizens and country Gentlemen) and so you shall be sure to haue your name lye in a coffin of lead when your selfe shall be wrapt in a winding-shéete: and indeed the top of Powles conteins more names then Stowes Cronicle. These lofty tricks being plaid, and you (thanks to your féete) being safely ariud at the st••es •oote againe, your next worthy worke is, to repaire to my Lord Chancellors Tomb (and if you can but reasonably spel) bestow some time vpon ye reading of sir Phillip Sydneyes briefe Epitaph in the compasse of an houre you may make shift to stumble it out. The great Dyall is your last monument, there Page 22 bestow some halfe of the thréescore minutes, to obserue the saw∣cinesse of the Iackes, that are aboue the man in the moone there: the strangenesse of the motion will quit your labour. Besides, you may héere haue fit occasion to discouer your watch by taking it forth, and setting the whéeles to the time of Powles, which I assure you goes truer by fiue notes then S. Sepulchers Chimes. The benefit that wil arise from hence is this, yt you publish your Change in maintaining a gilded clocke; and withall the world shall know that you are a time-pleaser. By this I imagine you haue walkt your belly ful, & therupon being weary, or (which ra∣ther I beléeue) being most Gentleman-like hungry, it is fit that as I brought you into the Duke, so (because he followes the fa∣shion of great men, in kéeping no house, and that therefore you must go séeke your dinner) suffer me to take you by the hand, and lead you into an Ordinary.
CHAP. V. How a yong Gallant should behaue himselfe in an Ordi∣nary.
FIRST, Hauing diligently enquired out an Or∣dinary of the largest reckoning, whither most of your Courtly Gallants do resort, let it be your vse to repaire thither some halfe houre after eleuen, for then you shall find most of your fashion-mongers planted in the roome waiting for meate: ride thither vpon your galloway-nag, or your Spanish Iennet, a swift ambling pace, in your hose and doublet (gilt rapier & poniard bestowd in their places) and your French Lackey, carrying your cloake, and running before you, or rather in a coach, for that will both hide you from the baseliske-eyes of your creditors, and out-runne a whole kennell of bitter mouthd Serieants.
Being ariud in the roome, salute not any but those of your acquaintance: walke vp and downe by the rest as scornfully and as carelesly as a Gentleman Usher: Select some friend (hauing first throwne off your cloake) to walke vp and downe the roome with you, let him be suited if you can, worse by farre then your selfe, he will be a foyle to you: & this will be a meanes to publish Page 23 your clothes better then Powles, a Tennis-court, or a Play-house: discourse as lowd as you can, no matter to what purpose, if you but make a noise, and laugh in fashion, and haue a good sower face to promise quarrelling, you shall bée much ob∣serued.
If you be a souldier, talke how often you haue béene in action: as the Portingale voyage Cales voiage, the Iland voiage, besides some eight or nine imploiments in Ireland and the low Coun∣tries: then you may discourse how honorably your Graue vsed you: obserue that you cal your Graue Maurice your Graue; How often you haue drunk with Count such a one, and such a Count on your knées to your Graues health: and let it bee your vertue to giue place neither to S. Kynock, nor to any Dutchman, whatsoeuer in the seuentéene Prouinces for that Souldiers complement of drinking. And if you perceiue that the vntraueld company about you take this downe well, ply them with more such stuffe, as, how you haue interpreted betwéene the French King, and a great Lord of Barbary, when they haue béen drin∣king healthes together, and that will be an excellent occasion to publish your languages, if you haue them; if not, get some frag∣ments of french, or smal parcels of Italian to fling about the ta∣ble; but beware how you speake any latine there, your Ordina∣ry most commonly hath no more to do with Latine then a despe∣rate towne of Garison hath.
If you be a Courtier, discourse of the obtaining of Suits: of your mistresses fauours, &c. Make inquiry if any gentleman at boord haue any suit to get, which he would vse ye good means of a great mans Interest with the King: and withall (if you haue not so much grace left in you as to blush) that you are (thankes to your starres) in mightie credit, though in your owne consci∣ence you know, and are guilty to your selfe that you dare not, (but onely vpon the priuiledges of hansome clothes) presume to péepe into the presence. Demand if there bee any Gentleman, (whom any there is acquainted with) that is troubled with two offices; or any Uicar with two Church-liuings; which will pol∣litickly insinuate, that your inquiry after them, is because you haue good meanes to obtaine them; yea; and rather then your tongue should not be heard in the roome, but that you should sit Page 24 (like an A••e) with your sinner in your mouth and speake no∣thing: discourse how often this Lady hath sent her Coach for you: and h•w o•ten you haue swe•t in the Tennis-court with that great Lord: for indéede the sweating together in Fraunce (I meane the society of Tennis) is a great argument ••most déere affection, euen betweene noble men and Pesants.
If you be a Poet and come into the Ordinary (though it can be no great glory to be an ordinary Poet) order your se••e thus: Obserue no man, dost not cap to that Gentleman to day at din∣ner, to whom not two nights since you were behold•n for a sup∣per, but after a turne or two in the roome, take occasion (pulling out your gloues) to haue some Epigram, or Satyre or Sonnet, fastned in one of them, that may (as it were vomittingly to you) offer it selfe to the Gentlemen: they will presently desire it: but without much coiuration from them, and a pretty kind of counterfet loathnes in yourselfe, do not read it: and though it be none of your owne, sweare you made it. Mary 〈◊〉 chaunce to get into your hands any witty thing of another mans that is somewhat better, I would councell you then, if demand bee made who composd it, you may say, faith a learned Gentleman, a very worthy friend: And this séeming to lay it on another man will be counted either modestie in you or a signe that you are not ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it vpon you for feare of the sharpnesse it carries with it. Besides, it will adde much to your fame to let your tongue walke faster then your téeth, though you be neuer so hungry, and rather then you should sit like a dumb Coxcomb, to repeat by heart, either some verses of your owne, or of any other mans stretching euen very good lines vpon the rack of censure, though it be against all law, honestie or conscience, it may chaunce saue you the price of your Ordinary, & be•et you other Suppliments. Ma•y I would further intreat our Poet to be in league with the Mistresse of the Ordinary because from her vpon condition that he will but ryme Knights and yong gentlemen to her house, and maintaine the table in good sooling) he may eas•y make vp his mouth at her cost, Gratis.
Thus much for particular men but in generall let all that are in Ordinary-pay, march after the sound of these directions▪ Be∣fore Page 25 the meate come smoaking to the board, our Gallant must draw out his Tobacco-box, the ladell for the cold snuffe into the nosthrill, the tongs and prining Iron: All which artillery may be of gold or siluer (if he can reach to the price of it) it will bée a reasonable vsefull pawne at all times, when the current of his money falles out to run low. And heere you must obserue to know in what state Tobacco is in towne, better then the Mer∣chants, and to discourse of the Potecaries where it is to be sold, and to be able to speake of their wiues as readily as the Potte∣cary himselfe reading the barbarous hand of a Doctor: then let him shew his seuerall tricks in taking it. As the Whiffe, the Ring, &c. For these are complements that gaine Gentlemen no meane respect, and for which indéede they are more wor∣thily noted, I ensure you, then for any skill that they haue in learning.
When you are set downe to dinner, you must eate as impu∣dently as can be (for thats most Gentleman like) when your Knight is vpon his stewed Mutton, be you presently (though you be but a Capten) in the bosome of your goose: and when your Iustice of peace is knuckle déepe in goose, you may without dis∣paragement to your bloud, though you haue a Lady to your mo∣ther, fall very manfully to your woodcocks.
You may rise in dinner time to aske for a close stoole, protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you a hundred pound a yeare in physicke, besides the Annuall pension which your wife allowes her Doctor: And (if you please) you may (as your great French Lord doth) inuite some speciall frind of yours, from the table to hold discourse with you as you sit in that withdrawing chamber: from whence being returned againe to the board, you shall shar∣pen the wits of all the eating Gallants about you, and doe them great pleasure to aske what Pamphlets or Poems a man might thinke fittest to wipe his taile with (mary this talke will bée some what fowle if you carry not a strong perfume about you) and in propounding this question, you may abuse the workes of any man, depraue his writings that you cannot equall, and pur∣chase to your selfe in time the terrible name of a seuere Criticke: nay and be one of the Colledge, if youle be liberall inough: and (when your turne comes) pay for their suppers.
Page 26After dinner, euery man as his busines leades him: some to dice some to drabs, some to playes, some to take vp friends in the Court, some to take vp money in the Citty, some to lende testers in Powles, others to bōrrow Crownes vpon the Ex∣change: and thus as the people is sayd to bee a beast of many heads (yet all those heads like Hydraes) euer growing as vari∣ous in their hornes as wondrous in their budding & branching, so in an Ordinary you shal find the variety of a whole kingdome in a few Apes of the kingdome.
You must not sweare in your dicing: for that Argues a vio∣lent impatience to depart from your money, and in time will betray a mans néede. Take héede of it. No! whether you be at Primero or Hazard, you shal sit as patiently (though you loose a whole halfe-yeares exhibition) as a disarmd Gentleman does when hées in ye vnmerciful fingers of Serieants. Mary I will al∣low you to sweat priuatly, and teare six or seuen score paire of cards, be the damnation of some dozen or twenty baile of dice, & forsweare play a thousand times in an houre, but not sweare. Dice your selfe into your shirt: and if you haue 〈◊〉 that your frind wil lend but an angell vpon, shaue it of• and pawne that ra∣ther then to goe home blinde to your lodging.
Further, it is to be remembred, He that is a great Gamester, may be trusted for a quarters board at all tunes, and apparell prouided if néede be.
At your twelue-penny Ordinary you may giue any Iustice of peace, or yong Knight (if hee sit but one degrée towards the Equinoctiall of the Salt-seller) leaue to pay for the wine, and hée shall not refuse it, though it be a wéeke before the receiuing of his quarters rent, which is a time albeit of good hope, yet of present necessity.
There is another Ordinary to which your London Usurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Atturney do resort: the price thrée-pence: the roomes as full of company as a Iaile, and indéede diuided into seuerall wards, like the beds of an Hospital. The complement betwéene these is not much, their words few: for the belly hath no eares, euery mans eie héere is vpon the o∣ther mans trencher, to note whether his fellow lurch him or no: if they chaunce to discourse, it is of nothing but of Statutes, Page 27 Bonds, Recognizances, Fines, Recoueries, Audits, Rents, Sub∣sidies, Suerties, Inclosures, Liueries, Indicements, outlaries, Feoffments, Iudgments, Commissions, Bankerouts, Amerce∣ments, and of such horrible matter, that when a Lifetenant dines with his punck in the next roome, hee thinkes verily the men are coniuring. I can find nothing at this Ordinary wor∣thy the sitting downe for: therefore the cloth shall bee taken a∣way, and those that are thought good enough to be guests héere, shall be too base to bee waiters at your Grand Ordinary. At which, your Gallant tastes these commodities; he shall fare wel, enioy good company receiue all the newes ere the post can de∣liuer his packet, be perfect where the best bawdy-houses stand, proclaime his good clothes, know this man to drinke well, that to féede grosly, the other to swaggar roughly: he shall if hee hée minded to trauell, put out money vpon his returne, and haue hands enough to receiue it, vpon any termes of repaiment: And no question if he be poore, he shall now and then light vpon some Gull or other, whom he may skelder (after the gentile fashi∣on) of mony: By this time the parings of Fruit and Chéese are in the voyder, Cards and dice lie stinking in the fire, the guests are all vp, the guilt rapiers ready to be hangd, the French Lac∣quey, and Irish Footeboy, shrugging at the doores with their masters hobby-horses, to ride to the new play: thats the Ran∣denous: thither they are gallopt in post, let vs take a paire of Dares, and now lustily after them.
CHAP. VI. How a Gallant should behaue himsefe in a Play-house.
THE Theater is your Poets Royal-Exchange, vp∣on which, their Muses (ye are now turnd to Mer∣chants) meeting, barter away that light com∣modity of words for a lighter ware then words. Plaudities and the Breath of the great Beast, which (like the threatnings of two Cowards) vanish all into aire. Plai∣ers and their Factors, who put away the stuffe, and make the best of it they possibly can (as indéed tis their parts so to doe) Page 28 your Gallant, your Courtier and your Capten, had wont to be the soundest paymaisters, and I thinke are still the surest chap∣men: and these by meanes that their heades are well stockt, deale vpō this comical freight by the grosse: when your Ground∣ling, and Gallery Commoner buyes his sport by the penny, and, like a Hagler, is glad to vtter it againe by retailing.
Sithence then the place is so frée in entertainement, allowing a stoole as well to the Farmers sonne as to your Templer: that your Stinkard has the selfe same libertie to be there in his To∣bacco-Fumes, which your swéet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man and Tinker claime as strong a voice in their suffrage, and sit to giue iudgement on the plaies life and death▪ as well as the prowdest Momus among the tribe of Critick: It is fit y• hée, whom the most tailors bils do make roome for, when he comes should not be basely (like a vyoll) casd vp in a corner.
Whether therefore the gatherers of the publique or priuate Play-house stand to receiue the afternoones rent, let our Gal∣lant (hauing paid it) presently aduance himselfe vp to the Throne of the Stage. I meane not into the Lords roome, (which is now but the Stages Suburbs) No, those boxes by the iniquity of custome, conspiracy of waiting-women and Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the coue∣tousnes of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into the reare, and much new Satten is there dambd by being smothred to death in darknesse. But on the very Rushes where the Commedy is to daunce, yea and vnder the state of Cambises himselfe must our fetherd Estridge like a péece of Ordnance be planted vali∣antly (because impudently) beating downe the mewes & hisses of the opposed rascality.
For do but cast vp a reckoning, what large cummings in are pursd vp by sitting on the Stage, First a conspicuous Emi∣nence is gotten, by which meanes the best and most essenciall parts of a Gallant (good cloathes, a proportionable legge, white hand, the Persian lock, and a tollerable beard) are perfectly re∣uealed.
By sitting on the stage▪ you haue a signd pattent to engrosse the whole commodity of Censure; may lawfully presume to be a Girder: & stand at the helme to stéere the passage of S•aenesPage 29 yet no man shal once offer to hinder you from obtaining the title of an insolent ouer-wéening Coxcombe.
By sitting on the stage, you may (without trauelling for it) at the very next doore, aske whose play it is: and by that Quest of Inquiry, the law warrants you to auoid much mistaking: if you know not the author, you may raile against him: and perad∣uenture so behaue your selfe, that you may enforce the Author to know you.
By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you may happily get you a Mistresse: if a méere Fleet-street Gentleman, a wife; but assure your selfe by continuall residence, you are the first and principall man in election to begin the number of We three.
By spreading your body on the stage, and by being a Iustice in examining of plaies, you shall put your selfe into such true Scaenicall authority that some Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely vpon your eyes, without hauing first vnmaskt her, rifled her, and discouered all her bare and most mysticall parts before you at a Tauerne, when you most knighly shal for his paines, pay for both their suppers.
By •itting on the stage, you may (with small cost) purchase the déere acquaintance of the boyes: haue a good stoole for six∣pence: at any time know what particular part any of the in∣fants present: get your match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps win wagers vpon laying tis copper, &c. And to conclude whether you be a foole or a Iustice of peace, a Cuc∣kold or a Capten, a Lord Maiors sonne or a dawcocke, a knaue or an vnder Shreife, of what stamp soeuer you be, currant or counterfet, the Stagelike time will bring you to most perfect light, and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted from thence though the Scar-crowes in the yard, hoot at you, hisse at you, spit at you, yea throw durt euen in your téeth: tis most Gen∣tleman like patience to endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals; but if the Rabble with a full throat, crie away with the foole, you were worse then a mad-man to tarry by it: for the Gentleman and the foole should neuer sit on the Stage to∣gether.
Mary let this obseruation go hand in hand with the rest: or rather like a country-seruingman, some fiue yards before them Page 30 Present not your selfe on the Stage (especially at a new play) vntill the quaking prologue hath (by rubbing) got cullor into his chéekes, and is ready to giue the trumpets their Cue that hées vpon point to enter: for then it is time, as though you were one of the Properties, or that you dropt out of ye Hangings to créepe from behind the Arras with your Tripos or thrée-soo∣ted stoole in one hand, and a teston mounted betwéene a fore-finger and a thumbe in the other: for if you should bestow your person vpon the vulgar, when the belly of the house is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten vp, the fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more danger to be deuoured, then if it were serud vp in the Counter amongst the Powltry: auoid that as you would the Bastome. It shall crowne you with rich commendation to laugh alowd in the middest of the most seri∣ous and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy: and to let that clapper (your tongue) be tost so high that all the house may ring of it: your Lords vse it; your Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too: your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and (many very scuruily) comes likewise limping after it: bee thou a beagle to them all, and neuer lin snuffing till you haue sented them: for by talking and laughing (like a Plough-man in a Morris) you heape Pelion vpon Ossa, glory vpon glory: As first, all the eyes in the galleries will leaue walking after the Players, and onely follow you: the simplest dolt in the house snatches vp your name, and when he méetes you in the stréetes, or that you fall into his hands in the middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you, héele cry, Hees such a Gallant, and you passe. Secondly, you publish▪ your temperance to the world, in that you séeme not to resort thither to taste vaine pleasures with a hungrie appetite; but onely as a Gentleman, to spend a foolish houre or two, because you can doe nothing else. Thirdly you mightily disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author: mary you take vp (though it be at the worst hand) a strong o∣pinion of your owne iudgement and inforce the Poet to take pitty of your weakenesse, and by some dedicated sonnet to bring you into a better paradice, onely to stop your mouth.
If you can (either for loue or money) prouide your selfe a lodging by the water side: for aboue the conueniencie it brings, Page 31 to shun Shoulder-clapping, and to ship away your Cockatrice betimes in the morning it addes a kind of state vnto you, to be carried from thence to the staires of your Play-house: hate a Sculler (remember that) worse then to be acquainted with one ath Scullery. No, your Oares are your onely Sea-crabs, boord them, & take héed you neuer go twice together wt one paire: often shifting is a great credit to Gentlemen: & that diuiding of your Fare wil make ye poore watersnaks be ready to pul you in péeres to enioy your custome: No matter whether vpon landing you haue money or no, you may swim in twentie of their boates ouer the riuer, vpon Ticket: mary when siluer comes in, re∣member to pay trebble their fare, & it will make your Flounder-catchers to send more thankes after you, when you doe not draw, then when you doe: for they know, It will be their owne another daie.
Before the Play begins, fall to cardes, you may win or loose (as Fencers doe in a prize) and beate one another by con∣federacie, yet share the money when you méete at supper: not∣withstanding, to gul the Ragga-muffins that stand a loofe gaping at you, throw the cards (hauing first torne foure or fiue of them) round about the Stage, iust vpon the third sound, as though you had lost: it skils not if the foure knaues ly on their backs, and outface the Audience, theres none such fooles as dare take exceptions at them, because ere the play go off, better knaues then they will fall into the company.
Now sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either epigramd you, or hath had a flirt at your mistris, or hath brought either your feather or your red beard, or your little legs &c. on the stage, you shall disgrace him worse then by tossing him in a blancket, or giuing him the bastinado in a Tauerne, if in the middle of his play, (bee it Pastorall or Comedy, Morall or Tragedie) you rise with a skreud and discontented face from your stoole to be gone: no matter whether the Scenes be good or no, the better they are, the worse doe you distast them: and béeing on your féete, sneake not away like a coward, but salute all your gentle acquaintance, that are spred either on the rushes, or on stooles about you, and draw what troope you can from the stage after you: the Mimicks are beholden to you, for allowing Page 30 them elbow roome: their Poet cries perhaps a pox go with you, but care not you for that, theres no musick without frets.
Mary if either the company, or indisposition of the weather hinde you to sit it out, my counsell is then that you turne plaine Ape, take vp a rush and tickle the earnest eares of your fellow gallants, to make other fooles fall a laughing: mewe at passionate spéeches, blare at merrie, finde fault with the mu∣sicke, whew at the childrens Action, whistle at the songs: and aboue all, curse the sharers, that whereas the same day you had bestowed forty shillings on an embrodered Felt and Feather, (scotch-fashion) for your mistres in the Court, or your punck in the Cittie, within two houres after, you encounter with the very same block on the stage, when the haberdasher swore to you the impression was extant but that morning.
To conclude, hoord vp the finest play-scraps you can get, vp∣pon which your leaue wit may most sauourly féede for want of other stuffe, when the Arcadian and Euphuird gentlewomen haue their tongues sharpened to set vpon you: that qualitie (next to your shittlecocke) is the onely furniture to a Courtier thats but a new beginner, and is but in his ABC of comple∣ment. The next places that are fild, after the Playhouses bée emptied, are (or ought to be) Tauernes, into a Tauerne then let vs next march, where the braines of one Hogshead must be beaten out to make vp another.
CHAP. 8. How a gallant should behaue himselfe in a Tauerne.
WHosoeuer desires to bee a man of good recko∣ning in the Cittie, and (like your French Lord) to haue as many tables furnisht, as Lackies (who when they kéepe least, kéepe none (whether he be a yong Quat of the first yéeres reuennew, or some nustere and sullen∣facd steward, who (in despight of a great heard, a satten suite, and a chaine of gold wrapt in cipers) proclaimes himselfe to any (but to those to whom his Lord owes money) for a ranck coxcombe, or whether he be a country gentleman that brings Page 33 his wife vp to learne the fashion, sée the Tombs at Westmin∣ster, the Lyons in the Tower, or to take physicke, or else is some yong Farmer, who many times makes his wife (in the country) beléeue he hath suits in law, because he will come vp to his letchery: be he of what stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and a good conscience to spend it, my councell is that hée take his continuall diet at a Tauerne, which (out of question) is the onely Rende-vous of boone company; and the Drawers the most nimble, the most bold, and most sudden proclaimers of your largest bounty.
Hauing therefore thrust your selfe into a case most in fashi∣on (how course soeuer the stuffe be, tis no matter so it hold fa∣shion) your office is (if you meane to do your iudgement right) to enquire out those Tauernes which are best customd, whose maisters are oftenest drunke (for that confirmes their taste, and that they choose wholesome wines) and such as stand furthest from ye counters, where landing your self & your followers, your first complement-shall be-to grow most inwardly acquainted with the drawers, to learne their names, as Iack, and Will, and Tom, to diue into their inclinations, as whether this fellow vseth to the Fencing Schoole, this to the Dauncing Schoole; whether that yong coniurer (in Hogsheads) at midnight, kéepes a Gelding now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he loue dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and Citizen-like quality: and protest your selfe to be extreamely in loue, and that you spend much money in a yeare, vpon any one of those exerci∣ses which you perceiue is, followed by them. The vse which you shall make of this familiarity is this: If you want money fiue or six daies together, you may still pay the reckoning, with this most Gentlemanlike language Boy, fetch me money from the Barre, and kéepe your selfe most, prouidently from a hungry melancholly in your chamber. Besides, you shal be sure (if there be but one fawcet that can betray neate wine to the barre) to haue that arraignd before you, sooner then a better and wor∣thier person.
The first question you are to make (after the discharging of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and the houshold stuffe there∣to belonging) shall be for an inuentorie of the Kitchen: for it Page 34 were more then most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in •eague with some Kitchen-wench, to descend your selfe, to of∣fend your stomach with the sight of the Larder, and happily to greaze your Acconstrements. Hauing therefore receiued this bill, you shal (like a Capten putting vp déere paies) haue many Sallads stand on your table, as it were for blankes to the other more seruiceable dishes: and according to the time of the yeare, vary your face, as Capon is a stirring meate sometime, Oisters are a swelling meate sometimes, Trowt a tickling meate some∣times, gréene Goose, and Woodcock a delicate meate sometimes, especially in a Tauerne, where you shall sit in as great state as a Church-warden amongst his poore Parishioners at Pentecost or Christmas.
For your drinke, let not your Physitian confine you to a∣ny one particular liquor: for as it is requisite that a Gentleman should not alwaies be plodding in one Art, but rather bée a ge∣nerall Scholler (that is, to haue a licke at all sorts of learning & away) So tis not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is a generall peace) to drink any stranger drinke in his owne ele∣ment of drinke, or more properly in his owne mist language.
Your discourse at the table must be such as that which you vtter at your Ordinary: your behauiour the same, but some∣what more carelesse: for where your expence is great, let your modesty be lesse: and though you should be mad in a Tauerne, the largenesse of the Items will beare with your inciuility, you may without prick to your conscience set the want of your wit against the superfluity and sawcines of their reckonings.
If you defice not to be haunted with Fidlers (who by the sta∣tute haue as much libertie as Roagues to trauell into any place, hau•ng the pasport of the house about them) bring then no wo∣men along with you; but if you loue the company of all the drawers, neuer suppe without your Cockatrice: for hauing her there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. Enquire what Gallants sup in the next roome, and if they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after the City fashion) send them in a •ottle of wine, and your name swéetned in two pittifull pa∣pers of Suger, with some filthy Apologie cramd into the mouth Page 35 of a Drawer; but rather kéepe a boy in fée, who vnder hand shall proclaime you in euery roome, what a gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearely in Tauernes, what a great gamester, what custome you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you maintaine a table, what Gentlewomen, or Citti∣zens wiues you can with a wet finger haue at any time to sup with you, and such like. By which Encomiasticks of his, they that know you not: shall admire you; and thinke themselues to bée brought into a paradice but to be meanely in your acquain∣tance: and if any of your endéered friends be in the house, and beate the same Iuy-bush that your selfe does, you may ioyne companies and bee drunke together most publikly.
But in such a deluge of drinke, take héede that no man coun∣terfeit him selfe drunck, to frée his purse from the danger of the shot: tis an vsuall thing now amongst gentlemen, it had wont bée the qualitie of Cockne•es, I would aduise you to leaue so much braines in your head, as to preuent this. When the ter∣rible Reckoning (like an inditement) bids you hold vp your hand, and that you must answere it at the barre, you must not abate one peny in any particular, no, though they reckon chéese to you when you haue neither eaten any, nor could euer abide it, raw or toasted: but cast your eie onely vpon the Totalis and no furder; for to trauerse the bill, would betray you to be ac∣quainted with the rates of the market, nay more, it would make the Uintners beléeue, you were Pater-familias, and kept a house which I assure you is not now in fashion.
If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers be as fami∣lier with you as your Barber, and venture their siluer amongst you: no matter where they had it, you are to cherish the vn∣thriftinesse of such yong tame pigions, if you be a right gentle∣man: for when two are yoakt together by the purse strings▪ & draw the Charriot of Madam Prodigalitie, when one faints in the way, and slips his hornes, let the other reioice and laugh at him.
At your departure forth the house, to kisse mine Hostis ouer the barre, or to accept of the courtesie of the Celler, when tis offered you by the drawers (and you must know that kindnes neuer créepes vpon them, but when they sée you almost cleft Page 36 to the shoulders) or to bid any of the Uintuers good night, is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming to laue your face with swéete water.
To conclude, count it an honour either to inuite, or to be in∣uited to any Rifling, for commonly though you finde much sat∣ten there, yet you shall likewise find many cittisens sonnes, and heires, and yonger brothers there who smell out such feasts more gréedily then Taylors hūt vpon sundaies after weddings. And let any hooke draw you either to a Fencers supper, or to a Players that acts such a part for a wager: for by this meanes you shall get experience by béeing guilty to their abhominable shauing.
CHAP. 8. How a gallant is to behaue himselfe passing through the Cittie at all houres of the night, and how to passe by any watch.
AFter the sound of pottle pots is out of your eares, and that the spirit of Wine and Tobacco walkes in your braine, the Tauerne doore béeing shut vppon your backe, cast about to passe through the widest and goodliest stréetes in the Cittie. And if your meanes cannot reach to the kéeping of a boy, hire one of the drawers, to be as a lanthorne vnto your féete, and to light you home: and still as you approch néere any night-walker that is vp as late as your selfe, curse and sweare (like one that speaks hie dutch) in a lofty voice, because your men haue v•d you so like a rascoll in not waiting vpon you, and vow the next morning to pull their blew cases ouer their eares, though if your cham∣ber were well searcht, you giue onely six pence a wéeke to some old woman to make your bed, and that she is all the seruing-creatures you giue wages to. If you smell a watch, (and that you may easily doe, for commonly they eate onions to kéep them in sléeping, which they account a medicine against cold) But if you come within danger of their browne bils, let him that is your candlestick, and holds vp your torch from dropping (for to march after a lin•k, is shoomaker like) let Ignis Fatuus, I say béeing within the reach of the Constables staffe, aske alowd, Page 37Sir Giles, or Sir Abram, will you turne this way, or downe that stréete? It skils not, though there be none dubd in your Bunch, the watch will winke at you, onely for the loue they beare to armes and knighthood: mary if the Centinell and his court of Guard stand strictly vpon his martiall Law and cry stand, cō∣manding you to giue the word, and to shew reason why your Ghost walkes so late, doe it in some Iest, (for that will shew you haue a desperate wit, and perhaps make him and his hal∣berdiers afraid to lay fowle hands vpon you,) or if you read a mittimus in the Constables booke, counterfeit to be a French man, a Dutchman, or any other nation, whose country is in peace with your owne, and you may passe the pikes: for bée∣ing not able to vnderstand you, they cannot by the customes of the Citie take your examination, and so by consequence they haue nothing to say to you.
If the night be old, and that your lodging bée in some place into which no Artillery of words can make a breach, retire, & rather assault the dores of your punck, or (not to speak broken English) your swéete mistris: vpon whose white bosome you may languishingly consume the rest of darkenesse that is left, in rauishing (though not restoratiue) pleasures without ex∣pences, onely by vertue of foure or fiue oathes (when the siege breakes vp, & at your marching away with bag and baggage) that the last night you were at dice, and lost so much in gold, so much in siluer, and séeme to vex most that two such Eliza∣beth twenty shilling péeces, or foure such spur-ryals (sent you with a chéese and a bakt meate from your mother) rid away a∣mongst the rest. By which tragicall▪ yet pollitick spéech, you may not only haue your night worke done Gratis, but also you may take dyet ther• the next day and depart with credit onely vpon the bare word of a Gentleman to make her restitution.
All the way as you passe (especially being approcht néere some of the Gates) talke of none but Lords, and such Ladies with whom you haue plaid at Primero, or daunced in the Pre∣sence the very same day: It is a chaunce to lock vp the lippes of an inquisitiue Bel-man: and being arriud at your lodging doore, which I would councell you to choose in some rich Citti∣zens house, salute at parting no man but by the name of Sir, Page 36〈1 page duplicate〉Page 37〈1 page duplicate〉Page 38 (as though you had supt with Knights) albeit you had none in your company, but your Perinado or your Inghle.
Happily it will be blowne abroad that you and your Shoale of Gallants swom through such an Ocean of wine, that you danced so much money out at héeles, and that in wild-•oule there slew away thus much, and I assure you to haue the 〈◊〉 of your reckoning lost of purpose, so that it may be •ublisht, will make you to be held in déere estimation: onely the danger is, if you owe money, and that your reuealing ge•s your Creditors by the eares; for then looke to haue a peale of ordinance thundring at your chamber doore the next morning. But if either your Tailor, Mercer, Haberdasher, Silkeman, Cutter, Linnen-Draper, or Sempster, stand like a guard of Switzers about your lodging watching your vprising, or if they misse of that, your downe lying in one of the Counters, you haue no meanes to auoid the galling of their small shot, then by sending out a light-horseman to call your Potecary to your aide, who encoun∣tring this desperate band of your Creditors, only with 2. or 3. glasses in his hand, as though that day you purgd, is able to driue them all to their holes like so many Foxes: for the name of taking physicke is a sufficient Quietus est, to any endangered Gentleman, and giues an acquittance (for the time) to them all, though the twelue Companies stand with their hoods to attend your comming forth, and their Officers with them.
I could now fetch you about noone (the houre which I pre∣scribed you before to rise at) out of your chamber, and carry you with mee in to Paules Church-yard, where planting your selfe in a Stationers shop, many instructions are to bée giuen you, what bookes to call for, how to censure of new bookes, how to mew at the old, how to looke in your tables and inquire for such and such Greeke, French, Italian or Spanish Authors, whose names you haue there, but whom your mother for pitty would not giue you so much wit as to vnderstand. From thence you should blow your selfe into the Tobacco-Ordinary, where you are likewise to spend your iudgement (like a Quacksaluer) vpon that mysticall wonder, to bee able to discourse whether your Cane or your Pudding be sweetest, and which pipe has the best boare, and which •urnes black, which breakes in the burning, Page 39 &c. Or if you itch, to step into the Barbers, a whole Dictiona∣ry cannot afford more words to set downe notes what Dialo∣logues you are to maintaine whilest you are Doctor of the Chaire there. After your shauing, I could breath you in a Fence-schoole, and out of that cudgell you into a Dauncing Schoole, in both which I could weary you by shewing you more tricks then are in 5. galleries, or 15. prizes. And to close vp the stomach of this feast, I could make Cockneies, whose fathers haue left them well, acknowledge themselues infinitely behol∣den to me for teaching them by familiar demonstration, how to spend their patrimony, and to get themselues names when their fathers are dead and rotten. But lest too many dishes should cast you into a surfet, I will now take away: yet so that if I perceiue you relish this well, the rest shall be (in time) prepared for you.