CHAP. III. How a yong Gallant should warme himselfe by the fire: How attire himselfe: The description of a mans head: The praise of long haire.
BUT if (as it often happens vnlesse the yeare catch the sweating sicknesse) the morning like charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome, pinching thée black and blew, (with her nailes made of yce) like an inuisible Goblin, so that thy téeth (as if thou wert sing∣ing prick-song) stand coldly quauering in thy head, and leap vp and downe like the nimble Iackes of a paire of Uirginals: be then as swift as a whirle-winde, and as boy∣strous in tossing all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which bundle filling thine armes, steppe brauely forth, crying Roome, what a coyle keepe you about the fire? The more are set round about it, the more is thy commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest ouer their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to créepe into the chimney corner: there toast thy body, till thy scorched shinne be speckled all ouer, being staind with more motley colours then are to be séene on the right side of the raine∣bow.
Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hot house of the chimney, thou féelest the fat dew of thy body (like basting) runne trickling down thy sides: for by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast that thou liuest by the sweat of thy browes.
Page 14As for thy stockings and shoos, •o weare them, that all men may point at thee and make thee▪ amous by th•t glorious name of a Male content▪ Or if thy quicksiluer can runne so •arre on thy errant as to fetch three bootes out of S. Ma•ren• let it be thy prudence to haue the tops of them wide as ye mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose ouer them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doues are accounted innocent & louing creatures: thou in obseruing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-•ooted doue, and bée held as innocent. Besides, the strawling, which of necessity so much lether betwéen thy legs must put thée into, will bee thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentle∣man-like habit.
Hauing thus apparelled thée from top to toe, according to that simple fashion which the best Goose-caps in Europ striue to imi∣tate, it is now high time for me to haue a blow at thy head, which I will not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on faster, bestowing vpon it such excellent caruing, that if all the wise men of Gottam should lay their heades together, their Iobber-nowles should not bee able to compare with thine.
To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine, strongly guar∣ded, and in good reparation, neuer suffer combe to fasten his téeth there: let thy haire grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse, lest those sixe-footed creatures that bréede in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee hunted to death by euery base barbarous Barber; and so that delicate and ticling pleasure of scratching, be vtterly taken from thée: For the H•ad is a house built for Reason to diuell in: and thus is the tenement framd. The two Eyes are the glasse windowes, at which light disperses it selfe into euery roome, hauing goodly pent∣houses of haire to ouershaddow them: As for the nose, tho some (most iniuriously and improperly) make it serue for an Indian chimney yet surely it is rightly a bridge with two arches, vnder which are neat passages to conuey as well perfumes to aire and sweeten euery chamber, as to •arry away all noisome filth that is swept out or vncle•ne corners. The cherry lippes open like the new painted gates of a Lords Maiors house, to take in prouision. The tongue is a bell, hanging iust vnder the middle of the roofe, Page 15 and lest it should be rung out too déepe (as sometimes it is when women haue a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder, but onely to tole softly, there are two euen rowes of Iuory pegs (like pales set to kéep it in. The eares are two Musique roomes into which as well good sounds as bad, descend downe two nar∣row paire of staires, that for all the world haue crooked windings like those that lead to the top of Powles stéeple: & because when the tunes are once gotten in, they should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both places are plaistred with yellow wax round about them. Now as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht with walles chimnies, chambers, & all other parts of Architecture, yet if the féeling be wanting, it stands subiect to raine, and so consequently to ruine. So would this goodly palace, which wée haue moddeld out vnto you, bee but a cold and bald habitation, were not the top of it rarely couered. Nature therfore has plaid the Tyler, and giuen it a most curious couering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht it all ouer, and that Thatching is haire. If then thou desirest to reserue that Fée-simple of wit, (thy head) for thée and the lawfull heires of thy body, play nei∣ther the scuruy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes vp all by ye rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman, who to maintaine a paltry warren of vnprofitable Conies, disimparkes the state∣ly swift-footed wild Deere: But let thine receiue his full growth that thou maiest safely and wisely brag tis thine owne Bush-Naturall.
And with all consider, that as those trées of Cob-web-lawne, (wouen by Spinners the fresh May-mornings) doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines, and adorne the swelling bo∣somes of the valleyes: Or as those snowy fléeces which the na∣ked bryer steales from the innocent nibling shéepe, to make him∣selfe a warme winter liuery, are to either of them both an excel∣cellent ornament: So make thou account that to haue fethers sticking héere and there on thy head, will embellish and set thy crowne out rarely None dare vpbraid thée, that like a begger thou hast lyen on straw or like a trauelling Pedler vpon musty flockes: for those feathers will rise vp as witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to proue that thy bed was of the softest Downe.
Page 16When your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres to their Mistresses and to Reuelling, they weare fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the fairest ensignes of their brauery: But thou a Reueller and a Mistris-seruer all the yeare by wearing fethers in thy haire▪ whose length, before the rigorous edge of any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shor∣ten the breadth of a finger, let the thrée huswifely spinsters of Destiny rather curtall the thréed of thy life. O no, long haire is the onely nette that women spread abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men be as farre aboue women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others? The merry Greekes were called 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 long haird: loose not thou (be∣ing an honest Troian) that honour, sithence it will more fairely become thée. Grasse is the haire of the earth, which so long as it is suffred to grow, it becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his mowes at it, and like a Barber) shaues it off to the stumps, then it withers and is good ••r nothing, but to be trust vp and thrown amongst Iades. How vgly is a bald pate? it lookes like a face wanting a nose: or like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of Archers, wheras a head al hid in haire, giues euen to a most wic∣ked face a swéet proportion, & lookes like a meddow newly mar∣ryed to the Spring: which beauty in men the Turkes enuying, they no sooner lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set vpon him, to make him know hées a slaue, is to shaue off all his haire close to the scull. A Mahumetan cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe bréeches and tennis balles with that, which when tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out and yet hardly catch it againe.
You then to whom chastity has giuen an heire apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to that purpose let it play o∣penly wt the lasciuious wind euē on ye top of your shoulders. Ex∣perience cries out in euery Citty, that those selfe-same Criticall Saturnists, whose haire is shorter then their eye-browes, take a pride to haue their hoary beards hang slauering like a dozen of Fox tailes, downe so low as their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and lippes of old men lick vp that excrement which they vyolently clip away from the heads of yong men? Is Page 17 it because those long béesomes (their beards) with swéeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong wiues, may tickle their ten∣der breasts, and make some amends for their maisters vnreco∣uerable dulnesse? No, no there hangs more at the ends of those long gray haires, then all the world can come to the knowledge of. Certaine I am, that when neue but the golden age went currant vpon earth, it was hither treason to clip haire, then to clip money: the combe and scizers were condemned to the cur∣rying of hackneyes: he was di•franchized for euer, that did but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman and child, woare then haire longer then a law-suit: euery head, when it stood bare or vncouered, lookt like a butter-boxes •owle hauing his thrumbd cap on. It was frée for all Nations to haue shaggy pates, as it is now onely for the Irishman: But since this polling and sha∣uing world crept vp, locks-were lockt vp▪ and haire sell to decay. Reuiue thou therefore the old buryed fashion, on▪ and (in scorne of per•wigs and shéep-shearing kéep thou that qu•lted head-péece on continually. Long haire will make thée looke dreadfully to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is in peace, an ornament: in warre, a strong helmet! It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the len•en thunip of a bullet. In winter it is a warme night-cap, in sommer a cooling •a•ne of fethers.