The guls horne-booke: By T. Deckar
Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632., Dedekind, Friedrich, d. 1598. Grobianus.
Page  9

CHAP. II. How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the charges of taking physicke: with other rules for the morning. The praise of Sleepe and of going naked.

YOU haue heard all this while nothing but the Pro∣logue, and séene no more but a dumbe shew: Our Vetus Comaedia steps out now. The fittest stay, vp∣on which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first to present your selfe, is in my approued iudge∣ment) the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you shall neuer rise till you heare it ring noone at least. Sléepe in the name of Morpheus your belly full, or (rather) sléepe till you heare your belly grombies and waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity of Salerne, that come ouer you, with

S breuis, aut nullus; tibi somnus meridianus.
Short let thy sleepe at noone be,
Or rather let it none be.

Swéete candied councell, but theres rats-bane vnder it: trust neuer a Bachiler of Art of them all, for he speakes your health faire but to steale away the maidenhead of it: Salerne stands in the luxurious country of Naples, and who knowes not that the Neapolitan, will (like Derick the hang-man) embrace you with one arme, and rip your guts with the other? theres not a haire in his Mustachoo, but if he kisse you; will stabbe you through the chéekes like a penyard: the slaue to be auenged on his enemy, will drink off a pint of poison himselfe, so ye he may be sure to haue the other pledge him but halfe so much: And it may be that vpon some secret grudge to worke the generall destructi∣on of all mankinde, those verses were composed. Phisitians I know (and none else) tooke vp the bucklers in their defence, rai∣ling bitterly vpon that venerable and princely custome of Long lying a bed: Yet now I remember me, I cannot blame them: Page  10 for they which want sléepe (which is mans naturall rest become either meere Naturals, or else fall into the Doctors hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas he that snorts profound∣ly scornes to let Hippocrates himselfe stand tooting on his Uri∣nall: and thereby saues that charges of a groates-worth of Phy∣sicke: And happy is that man that saues it: for phisick is, Non minus venefica, quàm benefica, it hath an ounce of gall in it, for euery dram of hony. Ten Tyburnes cannot turne men ouer ye pearch so fast as one of these brewers of purgations: the very nerues of their practise, being nothing but Ars Homicidiorum, an Art to make poore soules kick vp their héeles. In so much that euen their sicke grunting patients, stand in more danger of M. Doctor and his drugs▪ then of all the Cannon shots which the desperate disease it selfe can discharge against them. Send them packing therefore to walke like Italian Mountibankes, beate not your braines to vnderstand their parcell-gréeke, parcell-latine gibrish: let not all their sophisticall buzzing into your eares, nor their Satyricall canuasing of feather-beds and tossing men out of their warme blanckers, awake you till the houre that héere is prescribed.

For doe but consider what an excellent thing sléepe is: It is so inestimable a Iewell, that if a Tyrant would giue his crowne for an houres slumber, it cannot be bought: of so beautifull a shape is it, that tho a man lye with an Empresse, his heart can not be at quiet, till he leaues her embracements to be at rest with the other: yea so greatly indebted are we to this kinseman of death, that we owe the better tributary, halfe of our life to him: and thers good cause why we should do so: for sleepe is that gol∣den chaine that ties health and our bodies together. Who com∣plaines of want? of woundes? of cares? of great mens op∣pressions? of captiuity? whilest hée sléepeth? Beggers in their beds take as much pleasure as Kings: can we therefore surfet on this delicate Ambrosia? can we drink too much of that whereof to tast too little, tumbles vs into a Church-yard, and to vse it but indifferently, throwes vs into Bedlam? No, no, looke vppon Endymion, the Moones Minion, who stept thréescore & fiftéene yeares and was not a haire the worse for it. Can lying abedde till noone then (being not the thréescore and fifteenth thou∣sand Page  11 part of his nap be hurtfull?

Besides, by the opinion of all Phylosophers and Physitians, it is not good to trust the aire with our bodies till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings hath fand away the mistrie smoake of the morning, and refind that thicke tobacco-breath which the rheumaticke night throwes abroad of purpose to put out the eye of the Clement: which worke questionlesse cannot be per∣fectly finisht till the Sunnes Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest noone: so yt then, (and not till then) is the most healthfull houce to be stirring. Do you require examples to per∣swade you? At what time do Lords and Ladies vse to rise but then? your simpring Merchants wiues are the fairest lyers in the world, and is not eleuen a clocke their common houre? they finde (no doubt) vnspeakeable swéetesse in such ly∣ing, else they would not day by day put it so in practise. In a word, mid day slumbers are golden, they make the body fat, the skin faire, the flesh plump▪ delicate and tender; they set a russet colour on the chéekes of young women, and make lusty courage to rise vp in men: they make vs thirfty, both in sparing victu∣als (for breakefasts thereby are sand from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preseruing apparell: for whilest wée warme vs in our beds, our cloathes are not worne.

The casements of thine eyes being then at this commenda∣ble time of the day, newly set open, choose rather to haue thy wind-pipe cut in péeces then to salute any man. Bid not good morrow so much as to thy father, tho he be an Emperour. An idle ceremony it is, and can doe him little good; to thy selfe it may bring much harme: for if he be a wise man that knowes how to hold his peace, of necessity must he be counted a foole that cannot kéepe his tongue?

Amongst all the wild men, that runne vp and downe in this wide forrest of fooles▪ (the world) none are more superstitious then those notable Ebritians, the Iewes: yet a Iewe neuer weares his cap thréed-hare with putting it off: neuer bends it'h hammes with casting away a leg: neuer cries God saue you, tho he sées the Diuell at your elbow. Play the Iewes therefore in this, and saue thy lips that labour, onely remember that so soone as thy eye lids be vnglewd thy first exercise must be (either sitting vpright on thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole Page  12 le••th, to yawne, to stretch and to gape wider then any oyster∣wise: for thereby thou doest not onely send out the liuely spirits (like Vaunt-currers) to fortifie and make good the vttermost bor∣ders of the body; but also (as a cunning painter) thy goodly li∣neamets are drawne out in their fairest proportion.

This lesson being playd: turne ouer a new leafe, and (vnlesse that Fréezelad Curre cold winter, offer to bite thée) walke a while, vp and downe thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt onely, or else (which at a bare word is both more decent aad more de∣lectable) strip thy selfe starke naked. Are we not borne so? and shall a foolish custome make vs to breake the lawes of our Crea∣tion? our first parents so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but after they got coates to their backes, they were turnd out a doores: Put on therefore either no appa∣rel at all, or put it on carelesly: for looke how much more delicate libertie is then bondage, so much is the loosenesse in wearing of our attire, aboue the imprisonment of being neatly and Tailor∣like drest vp in it: To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready for nothing else. A man lookes as if hee hung in chaines; or like a scar-crow: and as those excellent birds (whom Pliny could neuer haue the wit to catch in all his sprindges commonly called wood∣cocks (whereof there is great store in England) hauing all their feathers pluckt from their backes, and being turnd out as naked as Platoes cocke was before all Diogenes his Schollers: or as the Cuckooe in Christmas, are more fit to come to any Knights board, and are indéede more seruiceable then when they are lapt in their warme liueries: euen so stands the case with man. Truth (because the bald-pate her father Time, has no haire to couer his head) goes (when she goes best) starke naked; But falshood has euer a cloake for the raine. You sée likewise that the Lyon, being the king of beasts, the horse being the lustiest crea∣ture, the Unicorne, whose horne is worth halfe a City, all these go with no more clothes on their backes, then what nature hath bestowed vpon them; But you Babiownes, and you Iack-an∣apes (being the scum, and rascality of all the hedge-créepers) they go in ierkins and mandilions: marry how? they are put into these rags onely in mockery.

Oh beware therefore both what you weare, and how you Page  13 weare it, and let this heauenly reason moue you neuer to be han∣some, for when the Sunne is arising out of his bed, does not the element séeme more glorious then (being onely in gray) at noone when hées in all his brauery? it were madnesse to deny it. What man would not gladly sée a beautifull woman naked, or at least with nothing but a lawne or some loose thing ouer her, and euen highly lift her vp for being so? Shall wee then abhorre that in our selues, which we admire and hold to be so ex∣cellent in others? Absit.