CHAP. I. The old world & the new waighed together: T the Tailors of those times and these compared: The apparell and dyet of our first fa∣thers.
GOOD Cloathes are the embrodred trappings of pride, and good cheere the very Eringo-roote of glutto∣ny: so that fine backes, and fat bellies are Coach-horses to two of the seuen deadly sins: In the bootes of which Coach, Lechery and Sloth fit like the wai∣ting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors and Cookes stand by meanes of their offices, for both those trades are Apple-squices, to that couple of sinnes. The one inuents more phantasticke fashions, then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was laid: the other more likerish Epvcurean dishes, then were euer serud vp to Gallonius table. Did man (thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, then all his life time to make priuy searches in Bucch•n-law for Whale∣bone doublets, or for pies of Nightingale tongues in Heliogaba∣lus his kitchin? No▪ no, the first suit of apparell that euer mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercers shop, nor the Mer∣chants ware-house: Adams bill would haue béene taken then soo∣ner then a Knights bond now, yet was hee great in no bodies bookes for satten and veluets: the silk-wormes had something else to do in those dayes then to set vp loomes and be frée of the wea∣uers, his bréeches were not so much worth as K. Stephens▪ that cost but a poore noble: for Adam▪ holyday hose and doublet were of no better stuffe then plaine fig leaues, and Eues best gowne of the same péece, there went but a paire of sheeres betwéene them. An Antiquary in this towne, has yet some of the powder of those leaues dryed to shew. Taylors then were none of the twelue Companies: their Hall that now is larger then some Dorpes a∣mong the Netherlands, was then no bigger then a Dutch But∣chers shop• they durst not strike downe their customers with large hilles: Adam cared not an apple-paring for all their lowzy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the Skippers galli∣gas••: the Switzers blistred Cod-péece, nor the Danish sléeue, sag∣ging Page 7 downe like a Welsh wallet, the Italians close strosser, nor the French standing coller: your trebble-quadruple Daedalian ruffes, nor your stiffe necked Rebatoes (that haue more arches for pride to row vnder, then can stand vnder fiue London Bridges) durst not then set themselues out in print: for the pattent for starch could by no meanes bee signd. Fashions then was counted a disease, and horses dyed of it: But now (thankes to fol∣ly) it is held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden Asses liue vpon it.
As for the dyet of that Saturnian age, it was like their attire, homely: A sallad, and a messe of léeke porridge, was a dinner for a farre greater man then euer the Turke was: Potato-pies and Custards, stood like the sinfull suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chayres Crookes his ordinary in those parsimonious dayes, had not a Capons leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspicious Venecian carued not his meate with a siluer pitch forke: neither did the swéet toothd En∣glishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meale. Peirs plough∣man layd the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully is the world altered? and no maruell, for it has lyen sicke almost fiue thousand yeares: So that it is no more like the old Theater du munde then old Paris garden is like the Kings garden at Paris.
What an excellent workeman therefore were he that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: And not to make it looke like Mullineux his Globe with arownd face sleekt and washt ouer with whites of egges; but to haue it in Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels and figures, represen∣ting indéede, all the wrinckles, crackes, creuises and flawes that (like the Mole on Hartens chéeke, being os amoris) stuck vpon it at the first creation, and made it looke most louely; but now those surrowes are fild vp with Ceruse and Uermilion, yet all will not doe, it appeares more vgly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a birding-péece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouthes of Chamber-maides by féeding on so many swéet meats. And though to purge it wil be a sorer labour then the Page 8 clensing of Augeaes stable, or the scowring of Moore-ditch: yet Ille ego, qui quondam, I am the Pasquilles mad-cap, that will doot.
Draw néere therefore all you that loue to walke vpon single and simple soules, and that with to kéepe company with none but Innocents, and the sonnes of ciuill Citizens, out with your ta∣bles, and naile your eares, (as it were to the pillary) to the Musique of our instructions: nor let ye title Gullery, fright you frō schoole: for marke what an excellent ladder you are to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their lear∣ning of all offices, from the scauenger and so vpward) haue flou∣rished in London, of ye ancient familie of ye Wiseacres, being now no better estéemd then fooles and yonger brothers? This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable time when that houre-glasse is turnd vp) a rich mans sonne shall no sooner péepe out of the shell of his minority, but he shall straight waies be begd for a concealement, or set vpon (as it were by frée-booters) and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. To driue which pestilent infection from the heart, heeres a medicine more potent and more precious then was euer that mingle man∣gle of drugs which Mithrydates boyld together. Feare not to tast it, a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as this will: you néede not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: the Receipt hath béene subscribed vnto, by all those that haue had to doe with Simples with this moth-eaten Motto, Probatum est: your Diacatholicon aureum, that with gun-powder brings threa∣tens, to blow vp all diseases that come in his way, & smels worse then Assa soetida in respect of this. You therefore whose bodyes either ouerflowing with the corrupt humours of this ages phanta∣sticknesse, or else being burnt vp with the inflāmation of vpstart fashions, would faine be purgd: and to shew that you truly loath this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Pimonists, not caring either for men or their maners; doe you pledge me: spare not to •ake a déepe draught of our homely councell: the cup is full, and so •rge, that I holdly drinke a health vnto all commers.