The bachelers banquet: or A banquet for bachelers vvherein is prepared sundry daintie dishes to furnish their tables, curiously drest, and seriously serued in. Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of vvomen, their quicknesse of wittes, and vnsearchable deceits.

CHAP. VIII. The humour of a woman that still desires to be gadding abroad.

THe next humor of a woman, is, when the husband hath bene in Lobs pound some fiue or sixe yeares, part whereof he hath spent in such pleasures as wedlocke doth at the first affoord, but now the date of these delights is out, he hath perhaps some thrée or foure children, but his wife is now big againe, and a great deale worse of this child then she was of any other. Whereat the poore man greeues not a little, who takes great paines to get her that which she longes for: well; the time of her lying downe drawes néere, and she is wonder∣fully out of temper, so that it is greatly feared that she will hardly escape. Then falls he on his kneees and praies deuoutly for his wi•…•…e, who soone after is brought to bed, wherefore he is not a little •…•…ocond, making sure account that God hath hard his p•…•…aiers. The Gossips, kinswoman, and neighbours, come in troupes to visit and reioyce for her safe deliuerie. She for her part wants no good cherishing, whereby she recouers her strength, and is as fresh and lustie as euer she was.

After her Churching, she inuited by some of her Neighbours, who also inuites fiue or six others of her Neighbors and friends, who is receiued and feasted with all kindnes; which Banquet doth perhaps cost her Husband more then would haue kept the house a whole fortnight: Amongst other, she propounds a que∣stion, and makes a match to goe all together to a certaine Faire, which wilbe within ten dayes at such a place, to the which place they shall haue a most braue and pleasant iourney by reason of the faire weather, for they will alwayes conclude such an agrée∣ment in some of the best seasons of the yeare, and she takes vpon her to make this motion, chiefly in regard of her Gossip, which was lately brought abed, that shee may after her long paine and trauaile somewhat recreate and refresh her selfe. But shee an∣swers her with thanks for her good will, saying she knowes not how to get leaue of her Husband. What (saith the other) that is the least matter of a thousand. Tush Gossip (saith another) stand not vpon that, we will all goe and be merry, and wee will haue with vs my Gossip G. T. my Cosin H. S. though perhaps he be nothing kinde to her: But this is their ordinary phrase, and they vndertake this Iourney, because they cann•…•… so well obtaine their purposes at home, being too néere their Husbands noses. After this agréement, home she comes with a heauy coun∣tenance; the Good man asketh what she aileth. Marry (quoth she) the Child is very ill at ease, (though he were in neuer better health since hee was borne) his flesh burnes as though it were fire, and as the Nurse tells me, he hath refused the Dugge these two dayes, although she durst not say so much till now. He hea∣ring this, and thinking it true, is not a little sory; goes present∣to sée his Childe, and wéepes for pittie.

Well, Night comes, to bed they goe, and then she fetching a sigh, begins thus: Husband, I sée you haue forgotten me. How meane you that (saith hee?) Mary (quoth shee) doe you not re∣member that when I was in Childbed, you said, that if it plea∣sed God that I escaped, I should goe to such a Fayre, with my Gossips and Neighbors to make merrie, and chéere vp my selfe, but now I heare you not talke of it. In troth Wife (saith hee) my head is troubled with so many matters, and such a deale or

busines, that I haue no leisure to thinke on any thing else: but there is no time past yet, the Faire will not bee this fortnight. By my troth (qd. she) I shall not be well vnles I goe. Well wife (saithe he) content your selfe; for if I can by any meanes get so much money ye shall go: You know it is not little that we shall spend there: yea, more I wis then will bee my ease to lay out. Good Christ (qd. she) is it now come to that? You promisde me absolutely, without either ifs or ands: before God I will goe, whether you will or no: for there goes my Mother, my Gossip T. my Cousen B. and my Cousen R. and his wife. If you will not let me goe with them, I know not with whom you will let me goe. Hee, hearing her thus wilfull, thinkes it best for his owne quietnes to let her goe, though he straine his Purse some∣what the more. The time comes, he hires Horses, buyes her a new riding Gowne, and doth furnish her according to her mind, peraduenture there goes in their company a lusty Gallant, that will frollicke it by the way on her Husbands cost, for his Purse must pay for all. It may be he will goe himselfe, because he hath neuer a man, or else cannot spare him from his work. But then is the poore man notably perplered, for shee will of purpose trou∣ble him for euery trifle, more then shee would doe to another; because it doeth her good to make a Drudge of him (and so much the rather) that hee may not afterwards haue any desire to goe abroade with her againe.

Sometimes her stirrop is too long; sometimes too short; and he must still alight to make it fit: Sometimes shee will weare her Cloake, sometimes not, and then hee must carry it: Then finds she fault with her Hor•…•…es trotting which makes her sicke, and then she will alight and walke on foote, leauing him to leade the horses: Within a while after they come to a water, then must he be troubled to helpe her vp againe. Sometimes she can eate nothing that is in the Inne, then must hee (being weary all day with Riding; trudge vp and downe all the Towne, to finde •…•…omething that will fit her stomacke; All which notwithsta•…•…∣ding, shee will not be quiet: and not shée onely, but her Gossips also, will be bobbing and quibbing him, saying, that hee is not worthy to be a womās man. But he is so inured to these •…•…ang∣lings,

that hee cares not for all their 〈◊〉〈◊〉 words.

Well, at length to the Faire they come; and then must he•…•… play the Squier in going before her; making so much roome for them as he can: when there is any throng or presse of people, be∣ing (very ch•…•…y of his wife, least she shuld be hurt or annoyed by thrusting.) There moyles hee like a Horse, and sweates like a Bull, yet cannot all this please her. Some Dames of the com∣panie, which are more flush in Crownes then her good man; be∣stowes money on gold Kings, Hats, silke Gyrdles, Iewels, or some such toyes, yea, costly toyes; which shee no sooner sees; but presently she is on fire, vntill she haue the like: Then must hee herein content her (if he loue his owne ease; and haue he money or not, some shift must be made to satisfie her humor. Well now imagine them going homewards, and thinke his paine & trouble no lesse then it was cōming foorth, her Horse perhaps doth •…•…oun∣der much, or trots too hard; which is peraduenture by reason of a naile in his foote, or some other mischaunce. Then must he per∣force buy, or hyre another horse; & if he haue not money enough to doe so, then must he let her tide on his, and he trot by her side, like a Lackey. By the way she will aske for twenty things, for milke, because she cannot away with their drinke; for Peares, Plums, & Cherries: When they come neere a Towne, he must run before to choose out the best Time; eue•…•… & anon as she rides, she will of purpose let fall her wa•…•…d, her Maske, her Gloues, or some thing else for him to take vp, because she will not haue him idle; When they are come home, shee will for a sortnight toge∣ther doe nothing else but gad vp and downe amongst her Gos∣sips, to tell them how many gay and straunge things shee hath seene, all that hath passed by the way, in going and comming, but especially of her good man, whom she will be sure to blame: say∣in•…•…, that he did her no pleasure in the world, and that (shee poore soule) being sicke and wearie, could not get him to helpe her, or to prouide any thing for her that shee liked: And finally, that hee hath had no more care of her, then if shee had beene a méere straunger.

But hee (poore sot,) finding at his returne, all things out of order, is not a little troubled to set them in due frame againe,

and toyles excéedingly at his labour, that hee may recouer his charges which he hath bene at in this Iourney. But she, what for Gossipping, for Pride, and Idlenes, will not set he•…•… hands to any thing; and yet if ought goe well, she will say it was through her héedfulnes, and good Huswiferie: If otherwise, then will she scold, and lay the fault thereof on him, although it be her owne doings. To be short, hauing thus gotten a vaine of Gadding, she will neuer leaue it, and hereby the poore man will be vtterly spoiled: for both his substance shalbe wasted, his limbe•…•… through labour, fild with Aches, his féete with the Gowt, and Age comes on him before his time; yet as thogh this were not eut•…•… enough, she wilbe continually brawling, scolding, and complaining, how she is broken through Child-bearing. Thus is the silly man vp to the eares in Lobs-Pound, being on each side beset with care and trouble; which hee takes for pleasure, and therein languish whiles he liues.