Wits fittes and fancies Fronted and entermedled with presidentes of honour and wisdome. Also: Loves Ovvl. An idle conceited dialogue betwene loue, and an olde man. Recta securus. A. C.

Wittes, Fittes, and Fancies. The third Part. (Book 3)

OF LOVE AND LOVERS.

ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse, and fearing least she should neg∣lect how sweet it was, wrote in a post-script vn∣derneath: I pray you (maistresse) after you haue read this letter, smell to it.

A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter, and she objecting that she was too meanly discen∣ded to be wife to so great a Lord as he: He answered: A more matter is loue then Lordship.

A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window, he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her, and at last away he pranced: Anon after he came that way again, and did as before, and so continued a good while: At last he de∣parted for good and all, and being come home, he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page: Which the Gen∣tlewoman accepting, said vnto the page: Now, I pray thee (my Lad) thanke thy maister, and tel him, that I thought his euening wind would turne to water.

A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp, was deman∣ded by a friend of his, whether he went: Who answered: To practise vpon a sinner in th'act of charitie.

Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish, and it signifieth Celestiall: A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse, she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina: Who answe∣red: Your selfe being the Originall, what would you doe with the translation?

Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine: Two Gent. came to visit a Gentlewomā, whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente

They walking in the hall together, one of them said: Lord what a fresh house is this, I haue not come in a fresher? Th'other an∣swered: No marueill, for it hath a Fuente in it: viz. a fountaine.

A Gent. had stolne a faire maid away downe at a windowe and a kinswoman of his asked him how they had the hearts to venter so dangerously: He answered: Our loues were so ardent that had we not conuaid our selues out at the window for aire, we had quite consum'd one another.

A Gentlewoman went to Church so concealed, that shee thought no body could know her: It chanced that her Louer met her, and knew her, and spake vnto her: Sir (shee answered) you mistake me, how know yee me? All too well (reply'd the Gent.) for so soone as I met you, behold my wounds fell fresh a bleeding: Oh heerof you only are guilty.

One asked a Scholler how a man ought to demean himselfe in his first loues to his Maistresse: He answered; Tell her once that you loue her, and then let the Deuil worke the rest.

A Gent. said vnto a Gentlewoman: Faire Maistresse, long haue I lou'd you, and till now haue alwayes been abasht to de∣clare you my Loue: Alasse good sir (she answered) in sooth had you told me of your loue euen at the first, you had hazarded to loose no more then you doe at this present.

A Gentleman bore certaine Gentlewomen in hande, how that by his skill in palmestry he could tel them all their fortunes: A Gentlewoman of the company, to whom hee was particu∣larly deuoted, then reacht him forth her hand, to see what judg∣ment he would giue vpon it: who after he had view'd it a good while, in the end he said vnto her: In sooth all my fortune lies in your hand.

A Gent. had been a long time suter to a Gentlewoman, who still rewarded his loue but with skorne and disdaine: Neuer∣thelesse he bore himselfe still a suter vnto her: and playing mu∣sick on a time vnder her window, shee gaue him the hearing a while, and at last threw a wispe of strawe at him in derision:

He not greatly offended therat, said: Of a bad pay-maister bet∣ter yet take straw then nothing.

A yoong Gent. being proffered a great mans daughter in mariage, deliberated many moneths vpon the mater: And be∣ing asked why hee so long delayed his consent, answered: The affair which is to be done but once for euer, ought to be large∣ly thought vpon.

A Gent. was a suter to a faire Gentlewoman, and comming in an afternoone to court her, he found her then at cards with an other Gent. whome he had in jealosie of a corriuall: And within a while she said, See, see (I pray) what bad cards he deals me: He answered: Lady, receiue them not.

A Portugall woonted to say, that fine loue consists only in talking, dauncing and feasting with faire Ladies, the rest Asses can doe as well as men.

A maid was cheapning somewhat at a Haberdashers shop, and as they were iesting together, shee asked him who was his maistresse: With that the Haberdasher took downe a looking glasse, and held it before her, and said: Loe there may you see her, if you please.

Halfe a foole went a wooing; and by the way he seem'd ve∣rie pensiue, and ful of muses: Certaine his companions that met him and knew his errand, one of them said vnto the rest: Mee thinks (sirs) maister N. goes very sollomly a wooing: He thinks belike (answered another) what foolerie to speak first vnto his maistresse: Hee need not doe so (adioyn'd the third) for in a kit∣chin well burnish'd supper is soone furnish'd.

A maide of fifty yeares of standing was proffered to a yong Gentleman in mariage, with a great portion, and besides that that she was so olde, she was withall yll-fauoured: Moreouer it was his good hap vpon a time to haue a sight of her bare leg, as she alighted from off her horse, & he saw that it was nothing but skin and bone, and as yellow as a Kytes foot. At the verie same time was also proffered him a verie faire yoong maide in

mariage of an eighteen yeers olde, but her portion simple and small: neuertheles this yoong Gallant chose her, and refused the other: And being demaunded why he did so, he answered: I view'd the figure below, & saw that there remained good 18.

A faire Gentl••woman caught a flea vpon the belly-part of her kertle, and said: Why how now Flea? what, Fleas so bolde in winter? Her suter then standing by answered: It is all sum∣mer thereawaies.

An ill fauor'd Gentlewoman ask'd a yoong Gent. whether he were in loue or no: Who answered, that he was: Then she to trie how well he could fancy her, said vnto him: If you were not, I would entertain you for my seruant: He answered: Tush you doe but say so: I dare say you would not.

One ask'd an ill-fauor'd widdow why shee did not marie: she answered: Because if any marrie me, it will be rather for my goods, then for my owne sake, and then will he be to me not as a kind husband, but only as a friend, or a wel-willer.

A widow Gentlew. who had buried her verie kind husband being perswaded to marrie again, she answered: The death of a deare husband ought not disannull the loue of a chast wife.

A sharpe dame in disdaine of her suter, sent him this mes∣sage: Who er'e shall be my husband, must haue these foure S∣ses. viz. He must be sage, sole, secrete, solatious: Wherunto her suter return'd her this answer againe: And whoeuer shall be my wife, must be none of these foure Cees. viz. Common, crooked, curst, carelesse.

One asking his inamor'd friend, how he could finde in his heart to loue such a fops, being shee was neither faire nor well fauor'd, but a very slut, & that had a stinking breath withall. He answered: Oh she makes ye most fine sops.

A reuerend Licentiate at law was a suter to a fair Gentlewo∣man, and she skorning him, stil return'd him tart & squeamish quippes: Wherupon on a time he said vnto her: Gentlewomā, you greatly forget your selfe to injure me so highly, conside∣ring

both my honest loue towardes you, as also my grauity, who am (as you know) a Licentiat in Law. Wherunto she an∣swered: Hauing lost the game, plead you now for leauings?

One being asked why he loued so extreamly such a foule, crooked, and squint ey'd creature: he answered: She makes yee a most daintie Sallade of Lettuce.

A Gentl. comming to visite his friend sore loue-sick a bed, and desiring to know his so cruell mistresse: he answered: Oh (sir) Bereft of bliss a beldame caused this.

A yoong Gent. viewing ouer-curiously a marchants faire wife, by chance a vertuous kinsman of his came by; and noting it, saide vnto him: That which cannot bee lawfully coueted, ought not to be curiously regarded.

OF HVSBANDS, AND WIVING.

A Spright appear'd to one by night, & miserably amaz'd him yet in the end being somewhat reuiu'd from feare, he thus bespake it: If thou be God or any of his good Angels, I knowe thou wilt not hurt me: And if thou be the deuill or his Dame, I likewise hope no lesse, because I haue married thy sister: mea∣ning his shrewd wife.

A seruing-man was a suter to a maids dishonestie, who as∣ked him, whether he meant to marie her yea, or no: He answe∣red No: For that better could he affoord her sheets, then ruffes.

A faire yoong wife asking her vnkinde kind-husband the cause of his jealosie: he answered: Fai••h (wife) not in respect that I any whit distrust thy true and loyall loue towards me, but be∣cause I see all the world ouer-loueth thee: So that though I dare trust thee with al the world, as being my most true turtle doue; yet dare I not trust all the world with thee, because thou art all too faire, and men ouer-loue thee.

The Earle of Orgas was woont to say, that who so submit∣teth himselfe to his wiues supremacie, doth all one as if he fed with his feet, & march'd on his hands.

A Duke being highlie offended with his slaue, wold haue hang'd him, but at last aduising vpon a worser torment (as hee thought) said: No, hanging is all too easie a death, I'le marie him to a shrowe.

One asked an acquaintance of his, whether hee were yet a married man or no: he answered: What, an Ape clogg'd vp in a chimney corner? Faith no.

In a plague time a Constable passing by his neighbors house, and hearing his wife sore lamming him, that night hee set vp a red crosse vpon his doore, whereat the neighbour the next morning highlie offended, tore it down, and complain'd to the the Alderman of the ward of the high injury the Constable had therein done him: who being presently sent for, thus he answe∣red the matter: And like your Worship, his wife sore beate him yesterday, and I think there cannot be a greater plague in a house then that, and therfore I did it.

A Musition singing vnder a Gentlemans windowe, The faire wife proou'd a shrewe, &c. The Gentleman straight arose frō out his bed, and looking out at the window, said vnto him: The faire wife you speake of, well may you goe seeke her els where, for here she is not: but as for the shrew, she is heer a bed with me

An old Gentleman had prouided a wife for the wisakre his sonne, to whome he gaue in great charge, during the bridall time not to speake any one word for feare the Brides friendes should happelie discouer his foolerie: So all dinner time there sate the wise Gentleman silly silent (God knowes) not forgetting to vse his chappes more then his tongue: At last the Brides friendes perceiuing such his foolish silence, whispered his dis∣grace in one anothers eare, & sore beflouted him. Among the rest, one of them said to his next commensall: Questionlesse the Bride-groome is a iollie wise yoong Gentleman, see how sol∣lomly he sits, and I warrant you he thinkes vpon some waigh∣tie matter: He ouer-hearing this, loudlie saide vnto his father there present: Sir, well may I now be bolde to speake, for that

(I see) they haue now discouered mee▪

One aduis'd his friend to choose his wife rather with his eares, then with his eies.

A Maid was proffered to one in marriage, and her friends were offended that the partie so long paus'd vpon the choise: Wherunto he answered: Is she foule? then is she odious: If fair? then is she hard to keep: These be the extreames I muse vpon.

One woonted to say, that to a peaceable life in mariage it were meet the husband were deafe, and the wife blind.

A faire woman tooke an yll-fac'd man to husband, and her beauty still more and more increased: A pleasant Gent. noting it, said: That he neuer in all his life sawe an apple in a cowshare continue so long vnrotten.

One vs'd to say, that the best choyse of a wife is by Areth∣meticke.

A man of worship maried a poore mans daughter, and cer∣taine his friendes questioning with his brother, what portion her friendes gaue with her, he answered: To fast with breade and water.

A Bride-groome said vnto his spouse: When as at such a time I sollicited thy chastity, hadst thou then condiscended, I should neuer haue lou'd thee after, neither had we been now man and wife, for I did it purposely to trie thee: She answe∣red: Faith I thought as much, but such a one taught mee more wit then so seuen yeares agoe.

A shrewd wise chid her husbande out of doores, and hee stepping foorth into the street, stumbled with his nose into the kennell, and at rising vp againe, hee said: Better heer yet then within door••s.

A man had a shrewd wife, and he one day broke her head, the cure whereof cost him deere expence afterward: Insomuch as his wife in regard thereof, saide on a time vnto her gossips: Faith my husband wil not dare giue me no more broken heads in hast, considering how deere he finds them in the cure: Her

husband hearing of such her braues, sent the next day for the Surgeons and Apothecaries, and in her presence paid them all their billes, & gaue ech of them twenty shillings ouer & aboue saying: Hold this (sirs) against the next time.

One vs'd to say, that the father giues the portion, but God the good wife.

Two yoong men were suters to a rich mans daughter, the one was rich, th'other poore, and hee bestow'd her vpon the poore suter? Being demaunded why he did so, he answered: Be∣cause the poore batcheller is wise, and may repaire his liuing in time, but th'other a foole, and like to bring all to nought.

One woonted to say, that the greatest pleasure a married man can haue, is the hope he hath to burie his wife shortly wherby to become a new suter to an other.

A great personage but olde withall, married a faire yoong maid in a manner perforce, and against her friends good willes: Wherupon one merrily descanted and said: That hee married her perforce, and she him sans force.

In Spaine it is lawfull to marrie by Attorney. One besought his deare friend to marrie a faire maide in his absence to his vse, affirming that they were already priuily contracted before witnesse: His friend (with licence of the Church first obtained) did so: And after the mariage ended, he & the Bride sate down together in a pew: And hee spake neuer a worde vnto her: which the neighbors marueilling at, asked him why he was so strange to the Bride: he answered: Well haue I leaue to wed her for my friende, but not to speake the first follie vnto her: that's his right, and he must haue it.

A louing wife said vnto her husbande as shee lay a dying: Deere husband, you that are voide of all sinne, I beseech you pray for me.

One ask'd a yoong Gentleman, what he meant to marie so deafe a Gentlewoman: he answered: Because I hop'd she was also dumbe.

One enueighing against such as choose their wiues chiefly for beautie, said: That such maner of wiues after the first sixe moneths, are foule to their husbands, and faire to all other men.

Of one that had maried a foule woman with a rich portion, another s••id that he took her meerly by waight, without fashiō

One Ducket a far marchant was held among his neighbors vnable in generation, & his fine wife being on a time in con∣uersation among her gossips, and talking of big husbands, shee said: And I for my part (thanks be to God) haue Ducket ynough (as you all know) and yet I assure yee, hee is too light by two graines.

One asking his neighbour how old his wife was: he answe∣re••: Her marke is not yet out.

One woonted to say: If your wife bid you throw your self out at a window, pray God that it be not far to the ground.

A Gardener being to be hang'd, his wife came to giue him her last kisse at the ga••lows: to whom he said: Fie on thee (bag∣gage) thus are wee like to thriue well at the yeares end: there cannot be a meeting in all the countrey, but still thou wilt bee sure to make one: Home and weed, home and weed with a ve∣ry vengeance.

The Admirall of Castile said: that who so takes a wife, is like a souldiour that goes to the warres, to oppose himselfe against all encounter.

One hearing a curst husband threatening his shrewd wife that vnlesse shee held her tongue hee would beate her with his dagger, said vnto him: If you beat her with the dagger, she'll beat you with the scabberd.

OF WOMEN.

ONe demanded of a Physition, why men still sue to women, & women neuer to men: Hee answered: Because women are alwaies ready for men, and men not alwaies for women.

One asked a Gentlewoman, why other femals for the most part resist the male in generation, and only women most gent∣ly yeeld vnto it: She answered: because women are no beasts.

A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plaine countrey∣man to deliuer his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man: In th' end (after manie curtesies and much a do) he answered: In sooth (Maistresse) whensoeuer a man is ready for a woman.

An vnciuill Captaine woonted to say that hee loued a wo∣man and his chamberpot alike, neither of both but for his ease.

A maiden came to an olde Grocer to buy some virgin-wax, the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a morter: then thus he answered: Hold heer (faire maid) this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax, the Deu'l a whit haue I this many a day.

A Gentleman comming to a marchants house, the Dogge flue at him at the doore, & he with his dagger smit off his taile: The good wife heerat was testie, & misus'd the Gent. in tearms: Wherupon he said: Why woman it is not a dogges taile can serue your turne.

A Gentlewoman being demanded whether shee lou'd her sons or her daughters best, she answered, her daughters: A Gent. that stood by then, said: Mee thinkes, God hauing made you a Carrier, you should loue a packneedle well.

A woman in anger said, what (I pray yee) doe you doubt of my honestie: No (answered th'other,) for it neuer stood in my way.

A maide had swallowed a dramme too much, not know∣ing that shee was with childe, but felt a paine in her belly, & car∣ried her water to a Physition, complayning to him of the grief: Who answered: Be a good cheere (wench) for I'le warrant thee within these fewe monethes you shall haue the cause of your paine in your armes.

An vnchast woman of life was commending a mans hone∣sty to his face in honest company: he disdaining such her praise

as proceeding from a woman of her infamie, said. I hope I was neuer dishonest with you, that you should thus commend mee before all this good companie.

King Edward the fourth was woont to say, that a womans greatest difficulty is, to hold her peace.

A Gent. requested a thing of an vnchast Gentlewoman: and she answered, Faith sir no: had I a hundred thinges, you should not haue any one of thē: Say you so (reply'd the Gent.) I knew the time when hauing but one onely thing, you let a hundred vse it.

An incontinent Bride thinking her mariage day ouer-long, and longing for night, said vnto her gossips. Now, would God it were euen now night, or els that I were vnmaried againe.

A chollericke person and a woman were a chyding toge∣ther, and by chance an acquaintance of his came by: who saide vnto him: Lord, what ayle yee to chyde so with that woman, I know her of olde, she is too hard a match for you: He answe∣red: Then a Gods name, let her chyde with S. Peter, S. Martin, Bristoll, Yorke, London and not with me.

One vs'd to say: Who so hath a daughter but twenty yeers olde, well may hee bestow her vpon her better, if 25. vpon her equall, if aboue 25. then vpon whosoeuer lift to haue her.

A rich man had a daughter aboue 30. yeares olde, who found her selfe greatly aggreeued that he had not all that while prouided her a husband. Vpon a time hee inuited to dinner to him his fiue sonnes, who were all maried in the same towne: Now this stale maid, their sister, then hop'd that such their me∣ting was purposely to determin vpon a good husband for her, but it fell out otherwise, For after that dinner was done, the fa∣ther said thus vnto them: (Sonnes) I haue bid you all to dinner to day, to th'end that euery of you resolue me, where you mean to be buried when you die, or whether you thinke it not best, that I build a tombe for vs altogether: Now let me heare your good aduises in this behalfe: Then the eldest sonne said: For my

part (father) I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die, & so the rest in a row all as they thought good. At last when they had all sayd, the father turn'd him about to his daughter, and ask'd her where she would be buried: She answered; Faith no where (father) for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so, well you wot, the Church allowes them no buriall at all.

A yoong Gentlewoman that went for a virgin, and was none, being child-sicke, the Physition ask'd her where her greatest griefe lay: shee answered: Me thinkes I feele my heart bounce against my bellie.

A merrie water-man said to a Gentlewoman as hee ferried her ouer the water: My boat (maistresse) hath a leak just wher∣as you sit, yet feare not a Gods name, for there's no amisse, but may be amended.

One in wrangle with a woman gaue her the lie: an other that stood by then answered: why, women are best whē they lie.

One enticing another mans wife to vnlawfull lust: shee said: All the while I was a maid I obey'd my parentes, and now that I am a vvife I obey my husband: wherfore, if your request be honest and reasonable, goe mooue it to my husband.

A faire Gentlewoman was maried away by her friends to an ill-fac'd, and a crooked person: And a kinswoman of hers comming to comfort her on a time, shee said: As for friendes (cosen) it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands, we must take them as we find them.

A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he lou'd her as his soule: She answered: I had rather you said, you lou'd me as your body.

A Gentleman being booted & spurr'd ready to take horse, came to take his leaue of his Maistresse, who answered: Well may you aske me leaue for the next time, for at this time you haue taken it of your selfe.

A Gentlewoman in extremitie of labour, sware that if it

pleas'd God she might escape death for that once, shee would neuer in all her life after hazard her selfe to the like daunger a∣gaine: but being at last safely deliuered, she then said to one of the midwiues: So, now put out the holie candle, and keepe it till the next time.

A Gentleman taking his leaue of his mistresse, said: I kisse your hands and your feete: She answered. Forget not (I pray) the station betweene.

One saying to a woman▪ Vpon my soule doe this: Shee an∣swered: Stake downe some other pawne, for that's forfeited already.

An olde Gentlewoman sent her daughter in law a boxe of preserues, who tasting therof said: Lord, how sowre is this Su∣gre: So said in reference belike that it came frō a mother in law.

Two corriuals to a Maides dishonestie, drew and fought vnder her windowe: and she looking out said: Sirres, you mi∣stake, your quarrel is not to be ended with steel, but with gold and siluer.

A lasciuious Dame conuersing among her Gossips, alluded thus cunninglie to her husbandes ingeneratiuenesse, saying: In sooth my husband (thanks be to God) hath many good parts in him, he is a good Musition, he writes wel, and he can cast an accompt no man better, saue only that he cannot multiply.

An old woman seeing the Bride her daughter vnarray her selfe fearfullie to bedward, as who would say: Lord, is this the last houre of my maiden-head? She said vnto her: Faith (Daugh∣ter) and if it pleas'd God, would I were to abide all thy paines too night.

A Gentleman saying to a yoong Gentlewoman, who had been fiue weares a wife, and neuer had any child: I greatly mar∣uell that your belly reares not: She answered: How would you haue aire puffe vp my bellie, hauing none in my head: She tax∣ed therein her husbands insufficiencie.

A Gen. meeting his mistresse late in an euening at a cōueniēt

backe side, for hastie businesse that he had, only saluted her, and passed on: An other Gentlewoman, this Gentlewomans fami∣liar, seeing and noting this out at a window, and knowing with all their mutuall loues, said the next day vnto her: How chan∣ced it that yesternight such a one meeting you in such a conue∣nient place, he so slightly forsooke you, bearing you so great good-will, as I know he doth: She answered: The truth is, he refused to take the blot, and so lost the game.

One asking another what was the reason that such a Gen∣tlewoman being but a poore widdow had so manie faire maids in her seruice: Th'other answered: Because shee affoordes them free scope, as Hanniball did to his souldiours at Capua.

A Gentlewoman disdaining her suter, said vnto him: A woman of my calling to loue so base a groome as your master∣ship, faith sir no: He answered: Yes, the rather for my basenesse, for that women are shee-Wolues, that commonly pray vpon the basest carrion.

One being asked why he enueighed so sore against women kind, considering that so many good Authours haue from time to time whole-vollumed their praises: Hee answered: They wrote what women ought to be, but I say what they are.

Pedro Mexia woonted to say, that a woman is the heauen of a mans eye, the hell of his soule, & the purgatorie of his purse.

Th'Earle of Vrenia woonted to say, that the vertuous life of a widdow bridles the wicked tongue to silence, and spurres the vertuous to commend her.

A widdow ouer-liued her two husbands, whereof the first died rich, and left her full bags, & yet withal vs'd her but hard∣ly in his life time: th'other spent all & lest her poore, yet whiles he liued vs'd her very well and kindly, These two being both buried in one Church, and neer one another, shee one day stan∣ding between both their graues, said vnto certaine her gossips there: See ye heer these two graues? Heer in this graue lieth ful bagges, and there lies spend all: now the deu'll take them both.

A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes, and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any farther, she answe∣red: Ah yes (deer Husband) now that I haue brought you thus farre on your way, faith I'le see you hang'd too, God willing.

A Gent. comming to visit a yoong Maid, found her a wor∣king of her wedding wast-coat, and he ask'd her when shee would haue done it: She answered, quicklie: and then sighingly adjoin'd: Ah heerin I am to loose my maiden-head.

A yoong wife expostulating with her midwife her neer paines in labour with the childe shee went withall, and af∣firming that questionlesse shee should neuer bee able to abide them: Yes (answered the (midwife) I warrant you (mistresse) you will refuse white bread and milk that houre. And so she did in∣deed, for the Midwife presenting her white bread and milke in that agonie, she refus'd it for verie paine.

Two gossips chatting late in an euening by the fires side, at last one of them said vnto her maid: Nann, light a candle, & with that fetch'd a great sigh, and added: For well I wot, thy old mai∣ster lou'd light aboue any earthly joy: and now I pray God the light of heauen faire befall him: Whereunto th'other gossip answered: And I for my part (Gossip had a husband that aboue all thinges lou'd a good fire well, now hell fire light on him.

The Earle of Vrenia vsed to say, that a womans greatest jayle is modesty, and silence.

Two shrewes being at ciuill brabble about one anothers honestie, th'one of them said: I faith thou sauor'st of honestie, e∣uen as a Cow doth of Aqua vitae: Th'other answered: And the honestie of thee, and the woolle of an olde dogge would make a good Cuckold-medlie.

One commending a proper woman who was an errand shrew, and withall verie talkatiue said: She is euen as gallant a woman as euer I set eie on, all but her tongue.

A Preacher in his good-friday sermon said vnto his parishi∣oners: Sirs, who of you all will not in honour of this day for∣giue

his enemie with all his heart: With that a woman stept foorth and said: Sir, I doe: Whome (said the preacher:) Marie whosoeuer (quoth she) will doe so much as kill the knaue my husband.

OF CVCKOLDS.

A Cuckold innocent being informed that such a one was a bed with his wife: he answered: Knowing him as I doe to be a right honest man, I dare aduenture my wife a bed with him.

An honest man that had but one eie and a quean to his wife, entring vpon the sudden into his bed chamber by night, a knaue chanced to be then a bed with her, who hearing her husbands voice, shifted him suddenlie behind the doore, and thus she said vnto her Goodman: What husband, is't you euen welcome my good husband: I hope in God my dreame is come to passe: I was euē now adream'd that you could see with either of your eyes, in so much as I waked for joy, and I hope to find it true: And with that she arose from out her bed, & comming toward him: Good husband (she said) let me lay my finger on your see∣ing eie, and then tell me whether you discerne anie thing with the other: He answered: No, not anie thing. In this mean time she beckened to the Adulterer to be gone: who straight slipped from behind the doore downe the staires, and so scap'd quite away.

One went a wooing, and by the way hee heard the Cuc∣koe sing: Wherupon he turn'd backe againe, and sware that by the Masse he would prooue him a lyar.

One saluted his neigbour, and he refusing to resalute him, th'other said: So God me help, I see there is a kind of people in the world, that dare not d'offe their hattes for discouering their hornes.

A countreyman came to aske for a Gent. in a place where were a many other Gent. besides, and it was his chance to aske

the Gent. himselfe: Who answered: My good friend, hee that you aske for, was hang'd many a day agoe: And wherefore I pray you sir? (reply'd the stranger:) Marie (hee answered) for a robberie: A robberie (quoth the stranger) Oh th'vngratious man, was he not content to be a Cuckold all his life, but hee would also prooue himselfe a theefe in th'end?

A poore country-man came from market, & brought home a sheepes head with him, hornes and all: His wife seeing it said: Why how now (husband) what a head like your owne?

A Spannish Cuckold was condemn'd to bee whipt by his wife at a cartes taile, condition, that if shee forbore to doe it in good earnest, she then to be whipt her selfe. So marching along in the street he after the cart, and she with rods after him, he of∣tentimes turn'd back to her, & said: Kate, good Kate, lay thou on load on me, and let not them lay it on thee.

One saying merrilie to his neighbour: Is your wife an ho∣nest woman (trow ye?) He answered: I cannot easily resolue you that question, for well may a womans dishonestie bee knowne by experience, but not her honestie.

A man being to be mark'd in the forehead for hauing three wiues at once: A Gent. that stood by, & knew the leuitie of his first, and lawfull wife, said: Aswell deserues he a forehead-mark for his first wife, as for th'other two.

A faire Gentlewoman danc'd her galliard passing well, & a Gent. highlie commended her good grace therein: The foole her husband then standing by, was proude to heare his wife so praised, and adjoyn'd. Oh but (Gent) if you knew her a bed, as I doe, you would say she were euen the sweetest woman in the world.

An English man asked a French man what was French for a Cuckold: Who answered (Cocque) Why then I pray (quoth the Englishman) is this true French to say, Monsieur ••ous estes Cocque. The Frenchman finding himself touch'd, answered▪ Yea (sir) it is true French in the plurall number, but not in the sin∣gular.

A Cuckold telling a Gentleman that he knew an Italian who made 160. pounds a yeere of a Ciuit Cat which his father left him, and affirming that it were good, if euery yoonger bro∣ther in England were so well prouided for: The Gent. answe∣red: I doubt not but your wife yeelds you twise as much eue∣ry yeere.

A Cuckold seeing out at a window his wife and another in lasciuious embraces: & hearing her protest how deerly she lou'd him aboue al the men in the world: He said aloud vnto him: Be∣leeue her not (friend) beleeue her not: for (I assure you) she hath tolde me asmuch a thousand, and a thousand times, and yet haue I still found her false.

OF BASTARDS.

THe Archbishop of Saragosa and an other Gent. who were both base borne walked together in a field, and meeting with a countrey-man, the Gent. pointed hornes at him with his two fingers, saying: How saist thou (friend) are they euen or odde? He answered: No ods (sir) and but euen a pair of Bastardes.

A Bastard was telling his friend that he was as much behol∣ding to such a one as to his owne father: Why (said th'other) can you possibly be beholding to any so much as to your own father? he answered: You haue reason: Yes (repli'd th'other) you are more beholding to your mother, that chose you such a fa∣ther, then to your father that chose you such a mother.

An olde and a yoong Gent. being at tearmes of enmitie, the yoong Gallant said: Bethinke thy selfe well, and thou shalt find that thou art a base groom to me, and that we are not fellowes by oddes: True (answered the old Gent.) for indeed I verie well remember, your father & I were fellowes & bedfellowes too, not passing nine moneths before you were borne. He spake it in reference that the world thought he had somtimes knowne

the others mother carnallie.

A yoong bastard throwing stones among a multitude of people: one said vnto him: Ware (boy) thou hit not thy father.

OF TABLE MATTER.

AN honest man inuited a Physition to dinner, and at din∣ner time drunk to him in a cup of wine: Wherunto the Physition excepted, and said: That hee durst not pledge him in wine for feare of pimples & inflammations in his face: The other then answered: A foule yll on that face that makes the whole body fare the worse.

An Italian vsed to say, that wine hath these two discommo∣dities with it: If you put water into it, you marre it, and if you put none in, you marre your selfe.

The Dutch man vseth to say, that eating is not any whit ne∣cessarie, other then in as much as it procureth a man to drinke and talke.

A sudden silence being at a table, where sate a many at din∣ner, one of the company said: Why how nowe (my maisters?) it seemes that some of vs at this boord, sitte with their legges a crosse: A Gentlewoman thereunto excepted, and said. Not I in sooth, for I haue heer somwhat between my legges: She meant the tressell of the table, but it was not so taken.

To one that sipp'd his wine, an other said: me thinkes you eate your wine▪ and all to bemangle it: True (answered th'other) I doe it to gaine the quintescence out of it.

A friend of Don Alonso de Aguilar being at dinner with him call'd for a little wine: Wherupon Don Alonso told him: In this house (sir) is neither a litle to be demanded, nor a litle to be giuē.

A Turkie-pie had been often seru'd in to a poor Gen. boord, and at last a seruing-man being to serue it in again, made some stay of it by the way, resting it vpō the buttry-hatch. By chance his maister came by, and seeing it there, ask'd him, why hee did

not carie it in: Marie sir, (answered the seruingman) I thought it could by this time a day haue found the way in alone.

On a Christmasse time the countrimen came in thick and threefold to a worshipfull mans house, & fell hungerlie to their victuals: And one of them rising vp with a full bellie, said: Sirs, God blesse you all, and the Founder: The Gent. Steward then standing by answered: And the Confounders too.

A seruing-man by mischance shed broath on his maisters boord, and his maister said. Sirra, I could haue done so my selfe: he answered: No maruell (sir) for your worship hath seen mee doe it first.

An old Doctor complaining how that hauing but one only tooth left him in his head, it was lately fallen away with eating a verie ripe fig: an other answered: But your tooth was a greate deale riper.

A Physition willed an Italian souldiour to forbeare wine after figges: Who answered: Tut (M. Doctor) you mistake: It is wine after figges, and a figge for water.

A Doctor of physicke wore his sleeues short, & very wide; and dining on a time at a Noble mans boord, hee waxed liquo∣rish of a Cranes leg: which for that it was far from his reach, he thought it better maners, to take the whole Crane out of the dish, and carue himselfe at leisure vpon his trencher, then to stretch out his arme so far, wherby to discouer vnto that hono∣rable companie all his naked wrest: And he did so: A seruing-man then seeing th'empty dish, tooke it from the boord: At last the Doctor hauing shar'd out his morsell, look'd about for it, and missing it, threwe the Crane vnder the boord, saying: Goe seeke it out.

Auenamar a Moore king commended water for two good properties that it hath, viz. It neither indebteth nor indrunken∣neth a man.

One drunke a cup of very sma••l wine, and sayd: Why how now water? shall I call thee wine?

A Gent. vsing to dine often with the Maior of London, on a time brought his friēd with him, saying: My L. heer I am come a bold guest of yours againe, & haue brought my shadow with me. The Maior welcom'd him and his shadow: Within a while after he came againe to dinner to him, and brought two com∣panions with him: To whom the Maior said: Sir, you be harti∣ly welcome: But I pray you tel me: Do you not think it a mon∣strous thing, one body to haue two shadowes?

Old M. Palmer of Agmerine was a pleasant Gent. and being one day at dinner with the Duke of Sommerset, no sooner was a dainty morsell of meate caru'd him, but straight the seruing-men were ready with cleane trenchers to receiue it from him: At last a Lady caru'd him a Partridge-wing, and a seruing-man foorthwith cleane-trencher'd him, and went cleane away with it: Which the merrie Gent. perceiuing, said aloud vnto all the honorable company: A faire flight (sirs) mark, marke it well: on the faire flight.

At a summers banquet of fruits and sweet meates, a yoong Gent. placed himselfe next to an olde man, who had scarce ere a tooth in his head: But yet the olde man out-eat him: Where∣vpon the merie youth at rising, thus be jested him, saying: Masse (father) of one that is no better shod, than I see you are, you haue run very well to day.

One came to visit a Gent. and he found him eating of cher∣ries with a paire of spectacles on his nose, whereat hee greatlie maruelled, and said: Sir, I woonder, considering you are so good of sight, that you eat your cherries with spectacles: Hee answered: The truth is, I bid my man buy me great Kentish Cherries, and he hath brought mee these little ones, as you see, wherfore I eat them thus with spectacles to make them seeme great ones, and that's as good.

Grapes were set before one at the beginning of dinner & he said: It is not good building vpon a round foundation.

A Doctor of physick was telling one how wholsome it is to

breake ones fast all the dog-day mornings, and one asked him when the dog-dayes begin, and how long they continue: Hee answered: Marie, they begin (according to Plinie always fifteen dayes before the Callend•• of August, that is, the 17. of Iulie, & continue till the 17. of September: One that stood by, then said: In sooth (maister Doctor) I haue often heard it euen as you say that Dog-day breakfasts are indeed verie wholsome, but tru∣lie I alwaies thought that those daies began eu••rmore the first of Ianuarie, and ended not till the last of December.

In Spaine Butter is daintie: and being seru'd in on a time to a time to a Noblemans boord, a Gent. at the lower ••nd took ex∣ceptions for that they had none there: Whereunto his next commensall answered: Belike my Lords steward thinkes wee haue no bowles to greaze.

An Earle came late within night to a Gentlemans house, and a fatte Capon was seru'd vp to his supper, which th'Earle seeing, straight tick'd the dish with his knife to haue it set neere him: Wherupon the Gent. then standing by, said: Your honor doth wel to take it, for it is a Trump at this time.

A poore Gent. inuited a cupple of Friers to dinner to him and their cheere was only egges. The Gentl. would faine haue excus'd the matter vnto them: but one of them perceiuing his drift, said: Why (sir) egges is very good fare, and many good dishes may be made of egs. Say you so father? (repli'd the Gent.) Hold yee heer then each of yee a cupple of egges, dresse them after your own maner.

Two Gent. went to breake their fast in a Tauerne, and a bagpiper stood piping at the doore: At last in came one, and set them downe a cupple of egges: Whereat one of the Gent. ex∣cepted, and said: Hath all this cackling been but for these two poore egges?

A man of worship had on the sudden great resort of guests, and their fare was but ssender: Wherupon he call'd his steward vnto him, and sayd: Why how chanceth it N. that we haue no

better fare too day: This dinner is like an apple, soone snatch'd vp vpon the point of a rapier.

A Gent and a Gentlewoman supping in one roome at two seueral boords wherat were a many strangers besides, the Gen∣tlewoman waxing testie and foolish at some sp••ech of his, be∣gan to misuse him vnciuillie in tearms before all the company: Wherupon the Gent. said: Some good body take away that Sallade from the Gentlewoman: What Sallad goodman As••e? (said she) He reply'd: Your sallade of nettles.

One vs'd to say, that it is good to talke of warres, but not be in warres; to talke of the sea, but not be at sea; to talke of hunting but rather to tast thereof.

One woonted to say, that po••re men want meate to their stomackes, and rich men stomackes to their meats

A rude Gentlewoman had stuft her pottage to ••hicke with bread that somewhat fell besides the dish: One seeing it, said: Gentlewoman you spill: No, (answered another) well may it fall beside, but it cannot spill.

One being caru'd the rump of Mutton, he refused it, saying: I brook no couers of close-stooles.

One was a telling a Gentlewoman how such a gallant of the Court eat euerie day eight Capons in Blank-manger: She an∣swered: Oh the Foxe.

At a Noblemans banquet, a ship of Marchpain-stuffe was set vpon the boord, wherein was all maner of fishes in the like stuffe: Euery one snatching therat, a sea-Captaine sitting far off could not reach therunto, but one of the companie gaue him a Sprat, which hee receiuing, helde it a good space to his eare: The Nobleman seeing it, asked him his conceipt therein: Hee then in reference to the little portion that came to him out of that Ma••ch-pane, thus merrily answered: And like your Grace, my father before me (as your Honour knowes) was somtimes a sea-Captaine, and it was his mischance, and my hard hap, that since his last vndertaken voyage a sea, which was some twelue

yeers ago, I neuer since could heare what was become of him: Wherefore of euery fish that falleth into my handes I still aske whether it can tell me any newes of him: And this pettie Sprat (my Lord) saith he was then a litle one, and remembers no such matter.

One drinking to a Gent. and saying: Sir, I drinke to your si∣ster Alice, & to your cosen Besse, and so vpward to your father, and to your mother, and then down againe to your little bro∣ther Robert, and little maistresse Frances, and the rest: He answe∣red: I pledge your paire of staires.

OF VISITATION.

ONe came in a morning to speake with a Gent. who was knowne to haue before time forsworne himselfe in false witnesse against a neighbour of his: and the Gent. page answered him that his maister was yet a bed: within an houre after he asked the Page againe whether his maister were yet stirring? Wherunto the boy answering no, the partie hereat all in a chafe departed, and said: Yea, neuer may he rise vp more in false witnesse against his neighbour.

Siento signifies in Spanish, I sit, and also I feele: A poore Gen. came to visit a man of worship, and they presented him a rui∣nous stoole to sit vpon: He seeing it, stood still, refusing to sit downe: The man of worship asking him why he stood, and re∣questing him withall to sit downe: He answered: Pardon mee (sir) for No me siento, that is, I doe not sit, because me siento, viz. because I feele, Hee meant that he felt himselfe aggreeued with so homely a seat.

A Scholler that vaunted what especiall interest hee had in a certaine faire Gentlewoman, went hee and his friend on a time to visite her: And she in disdain of him stil Thow'd him at eue∣ry word, and he as often ouer-titled her with Honour, Ladi∣ship, and Maiestie; Wherat the Gentlewoman waxing testie

curst, ask'd him why he so exalted her in title aboue her calling▪ Hee answered: May it please you to mount but one pointe higher, and then will I fall one lower, so shall our musicke well accord.

One came to speake with his friend, who being at that time very busie, willed his man to answer him that he was not within. But he by chance ouer-heard his voice, and knew ther∣by that hee was within: Whereupon hee departed mal-con∣tent: The next day this other came to speake with him▪ and he hearing that he was come, look'd out at a windowe▪ and tolde him that he was not at home: Not at home? (answered the o∣ther) Why (I pray sir) who are you? Who am I? (reply'd he) I hope I am one, whom you may aswell credit, saying that I am not at home, as well as I to beleeue your man, making me the like answer yesterday from you.

One that for his safety had taken Sanctuarie, a friend of his came to visit him, and sayd: Now thanks be to God, your case is just aswell out of Sanctuarie as in Sanctuarie: Th'other an∣swered: Els durst you not come visit me.

A Gentleman that had been long in the Indies, being re∣turned home with a great skar in his face, went to visit a friend of his, who knew him not of a good while, till at last the Gen∣tleman discoursing vnto him his name, and kindred, in th'end he call'd him to minde, and said: Sir, you must pardon me, for (I assure you,) your superscription being blurr'd, I could not well a read you.

A Gentleman being in conuersation among a manie foule Gentlewomen, at last in came a verie faire one: Whereat they all arose, to salute her and he said: If this Gentlewoman had not come, wee had lost the game, for want of a Courre∣card.

A Gent. comming to visite a faire Gentlewoman, and fin∣ding her playing with a tame Conie, said: God saue both your Conies.

A Gentlewoman whose name was Thorney, sitting in her chamber between two Gentlemen, wherof the one was a great drunkarde, th'other as great a Letcher: her maide came to her, and deliuered her a message in her eare, and at rising vp a∣gaine, sayd vnto her: Forsooth (mistresse) will it please you to be gone so soone? No, not verie soone (answered the Gentle∣woman) for see you not how I am heer setled between the skin and the flesh?

Paja in Spanish signifieth a messe of meate, likewise straw: A mean Gent. came on a time to visit a man of great worship, who was but newly set downe to dinner, and therefore seque∣stred himselfe into a garden in the meane time: Where after he had walk'd a good space, at last in he came again into the hall, & asked a seruing-man whether his maister had yet din'd: Who answering, No, and that the second Paja, viz. the second messe was but newly seru'd in: all in a chafe bee flung away, saying: Nay, if he be all this while in his Paja, viz. in his strawe, (as hee meant it) surely I will not stay till he haue eaten his Oates too.

The end of the third part of this booke.