Wits fittes and fancies Fronted and entermedled with presidentes of honour and wisdome. Also: Loves Ovvl. An idle conceited dialogue betwene loue, and an olde man. Recta securus. A. C.

OF WOMEN.

ONe demanded of a Physition, why men still sue to women, & women neuer to men: Hee answered: Because women are alwaies ready for men, and men not alwaies for women.

One asked a Gentlewoman, why other femals for the most part resist the male in generation, and only women most gent∣ly yeeld vnto it: She answered: because women are no beasts.

A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plaine countrey∣man to deliuer his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man: In th' end (after manie curtesies and much a do) he answered: In sooth (Maistresse) whensoeuer a man is ready for a woman.

An vnciuill Captaine woonted to say that hee loued a wo∣man and his chamberpot alike, neither of both but for his ease.

A maiden came to an olde Grocer to buy some virgin-wax, the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a morter: then thus he answered: Hold heer (faire maid) this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax, the Deu'l a whit haue I this many a day.

A Gentleman comming to a marchants house, the Dogge flue at him at the doore, & he with his dagger smit off his taile: The good wife heerat was testie, & misus'd the Gent. in tearms: Wherupon he said: Why woman it is not a dogges taile can serue your turne.

A Gentlewoman being demanded whether shee lou'd her sons or her daughters best, she answered, her daughters: A Gent. that stood by then, said: Mee thinkes, God hauing made you a Carrier, you should loue a packneedle well.

A woman in anger said, what (I pray yee) doe you doubt of my honestie: No (answered th'other,) for it neuer stood in my way.

A maide had swallowed a dramme too much, not know∣ing that shee was with childe, but felt a paine in her belly, & car∣ried her water to a Physition, complayning to him of the grief: Who answered: Be a good cheere (wench) for I'le warrant thee within these fewe monethes you shall haue the cause of your paine in your armes.

An vnchast woman of life was commending a mans hone∣sty to his face in honest company: he disdaining such her praise

as proceeding from a woman of her infamie, said. I hope I was neuer dishonest with you, that you should thus commend mee before all this good companie.

King Edward the fourth was woont to say, that a womans greatest difficulty is, to hold her peace.

A Gent. requested a thing of an vnchast Gentlewoman: and she answered, Faith sir no: had I a hundred thinges, you should not haue any one of thē: Say you so (reply'd the Gent.) I knew the time when hauing but one onely thing, you let a hundred vse it.

An incontinent Bride thinking her mariage day ouer-long, and longing for night, said vnto her gossips. Now, would God it were euen now night, or els that I were vnmaried againe.

A chollericke person and a woman were a chyding toge∣ther, and by chance an acquaintance of his came by: who saide vnto him: Lord, what ayle yee to chyde so with that woman, I know her of olde, she is too hard a match for you: He answe∣red: Then a Gods name, let her chyde with S. Peter, S. Martin, Bristoll, Yorke, London and not with me.

One vs'd to say: Who so hath a daughter but twenty yeers olde, well may hee bestow her vpon her better, if 25. vpon her equall, if aboue 25. then vpon whosoeuer lift to haue her.

A rich man had a daughter aboue 30. yeares olde, who found her selfe greatly aggreeued that he had not all that while prouided her a husband. Vpon a time hee inuited to dinner to him his fiue sonnes, who were all maried in the same towne: Now this stale maid, their sister, then hop'd that such their me∣ting was purposely to determin vpon a good husband for her, but it fell out otherwise, For after that dinner was done, the fa∣ther said thus vnto them: (Sonnes) I haue bid you all to dinner to day, to th'end that euery of you resolue me, where you mean to be buried when you die, or whether you thinke it not best, that I build a tombe for vs altogether: Now let me heare your good aduises in this behalfe: Then the eldest sonne said: For my

part (father) I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die, & so the rest in a row all as they thought good. At last when they had all sayd, the father turn'd him about to his daughter, and ask'd her where she would be buried: She answered; Faith no where (father) for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so, well you wot, the Church allowes them no buriall at all.

A yoong Gentlewoman that went for a virgin, and was none, being child-sicke, the Physition ask'd her where her greatest griefe lay: shee answered: Me thinkes I feele my heart bounce against my bellie.

A merrie water-man said to a Gentlewoman as hee ferried her ouer the water: My boat (maistresse) hath a leak just wher∣as you sit, yet feare not a Gods name, for there's no amisse, but may be amended.

One in wrangle with a woman gaue her the lie: an other that stood by then answered: why, women are best whē they lie.

One enticing another mans wife to vnlawfull lust: shee said: All the while I was a maid I obey'd my parentes, and now that I am a vvife I obey my husband: wherfore, if your request be honest and reasonable, goe mooue it to my husband.

A faire Gentlewoman was maried away by her friends to an ill-fac'd, and a crooked person: And a kinswoman of hers comming to comfort her on a time, shee said: As for friendes (cosen) it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands, we must take them as we find them.

A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he lou'd her as his soule: She answered: I had rather you said, you lou'd me as your body.

A Gentleman being booted & spurr'd ready to take horse, came to take his leaue of his Maistresse, who answered: Well may you aske me leaue for the next time, for at this time you haue taken it of your selfe.

A Gentlewoman in extremitie of labour, sware that if it

pleas'd God she might escape death for that once, shee would neuer in all her life after hazard her selfe to the like daunger a∣gaine: but being at last safely deliuered, she then said to one of the midwiues: So, now put out the holie candle, and keepe it till the next time.

A Gentleman taking his leaue of his mistresse, said: I kisse your hands and your feete: She answered. Forget not (I pray) the station betweene.

One saying to a woman▪ Vpon my soule doe this: Shee an∣swered: Stake downe some other pawne, for that's forfeited already.

An olde Gentlewoman sent her daughter in law a boxe of preserues, who tasting therof said: Lord, how sowre is this Su∣gre: So said in reference belike that it came frō a mother in law.

Two corriuals to a Maides dishonestie, drew and fought vnder her windowe: and she looking out said: Sirres, you mi∣stake, your quarrel is not to be ended with steel, but with gold and siluer.

A lasciuious Dame conuersing among her Gossips, alluded thus cunninglie to her husbandes ingeneratiuenesse, saying: In sooth my husband (thanks be to God) hath many good parts in him, he is a good Musition, he writes wel, and he can cast an accompt no man better, saue only that he cannot multiply.

An old woman seeing the Bride her daughter vnarray her selfe fearfullie to bedward, as who would say: Lord, is this the last houre of my maiden-head? She said vnto her: Faith (Daugh∣ter) and if it pleas'd God, would I were to abide all thy paines too night.

A Gentleman saying to a yoong Gentlewoman, who had been fiue weares a wife, and neuer had any child: I greatly mar∣uell that your belly reares not: She answered: How would you haue aire puffe vp my bellie, hauing none in my head: She tax∣ed therein her husbands insufficiencie.

A Gen. meeting his mistresse late in an euening at a cōueniēt

backe side, for hastie businesse that he had, only saluted her, and passed on: An other Gentlewoman, this Gentlewomans fami∣liar, seeing and noting this out at a window, and knowing with all their mutuall loues, said the next day vnto her: How chan∣ced it that yesternight such a one meeting you in such a conue∣nient place, he so slightly forsooke you, bearing you so great good-will, as I know he doth: She answered: The truth is, he refused to take the blot, and so lost the game.

One asking another what was the reason that such a Gen∣tlewoman being but a poore widdow had so manie faire maids in her seruice: Th'other answered: Because shee affoordes them free scope, as Hanniball did to his souldiours at Capua.

A Gentlewoman disdaining her suter, said vnto him: A woman of my calling to loue so base a groome as your master∣ship, faith sir no: He answered: Yes, the rather for my basenesse, for that women are shee-Wolues, that commonly pray vpon the basest carrion.

One being asked why he enueighed so sore against women kind, considering that so many good Authours haue from time to time whole-vollumed their praises: Hee answered: They wrote what women ought to be, but I say what they are.

Pedro Mexia woonted to say, that a woman is the heauen of a mans eye, the hell of his soule, & the purgatorie of his purse.

Th'Earle of Vrenia woonted to say, that the vertuous life of a widdow bridles the wicked tongue to silence, and spurres the vertuous to commend her.

A widdow ouer-liued her two husbands, whereof the first died rich, and left her full bags, & yet withal vs'd her but hard∣ly in his life time: th'other spent all & lest her poore, yet whiles he liued vs'd her very well and kindly, These two being both buried in one Church, and neer one another, shee one day stan∣ding between both their graues, said vnto certaine her gossips there: See ye heer these two graues? Heer in this graue lieth ful bagges, and there lies spend all: now the deu'll take them both.

A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes, and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any farther, she answe∣red: Ah yes (deer Husband) now that I haue brought you thus farre on your way, faith I'le see you hang'd too, God willing.

A Gent. comming to visit a yoong Maid, found her a wor∣king of her wedding wast-coat, and he ask'd her when shee would haue done it: She answered, quicklie: and then sighingly adjoin'd: Ah heerin I am to loose my maiden-head.

A yoong wife expostulating with her midwife her neer paines in labour with the childe shee went withall, and af∣firming that questionlesse shee should neuer bee able to abide them: Yes (answered the (midwife) I warrant you (mistresse) you will refuse white bread and milk that houre. And so she did in∣deed, for the Midwife presenting her white bread and milke in that agonie, she refus'd it for verie paine.

Two gossips chatting late in an euening by the fires side, at last one of them said vnto her maid: Nann, light a candle, & with that fetch'd a great sigh, and added: For well I wot, thy old mai∣ster lou'd light aboue any earthly joy: and now I pray God the light of heauen faire befall him: Whereunto th'other gossip answered: And I for my part (Gossip had a husband that aboue all thinges lou'd a good fire well, now hell fire light on him.

The Earle of Vrenia vsed to say, that a womans greatest jayle is modesty, and silence.

Two shrewes being at ciuill brabble about one anothers honestie, th'one of them said: I faith thou sauor'st of honestie, e∣uen as a Cow doth of Aqua vitae: Th'other answered: And the honestie of thee, and the woolle of an olde dogge would make a good Cuckold-medlie.

One commending a proper woman who was an errand shrew, and withall verie talkatiue said: She is euen as gallant a woman as euer I set eie on, all but her tongue.

A Preacher in his good-friday sermon said vnto his parishi∣oners: Sirs, who of you all will not in honour of this day for∣giue

his enemie with all his heart: With that a woman stept foorth and said: Sir, I doe: Whome (said the preacher:) Marie whosoeuer (quoth she) will doe so much as kill the knaue my husband.