Wits fittes and fancies Fronted and entermedled with presidentes of honour and wisdome. Also: Loves Ovvl. An idle conceited dialogue betwene loue, and an olde man. Recta securus. A. C.

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. (Book 1)

OF KINGS AND PRINCES

ALONSO de Valentia, hauing yeelded to Fer∣dinando king of Spaine, the Forte of Samora, it pleased the king at his entry therinto, to view the King of Portugall his rich wardrop there: where hauing suruaid a good space, al his roy∣all robes and iewels, hee refused in the ende to ransacke it, neither would he bestow any one garment or iew∣ell vpon any of his traine: Wherupon a Gallant then standing by, thus said vnto him. Pleaseth your Maiestie, the King of Portugall hath not forborn any rapine that euer he could attaine vnto, either vpon your Graces proper goods, or any of your subiects, and wil your Maiesty then daigne to deale thus ciuilly with him? Whereunto the King answered: All that I desire of my Nephew of Portugall, is but to take away the bad conceipts and opinions of his will, and not the attires of his person.

A Portugall deliuered a Forte to the foresaid Ferdinando, King of Spaine, and being shortly after with the King in other seruice against his Countrimen (who very brauely defended their holde) hee saide vnto him, And it like your Maiestie, I ••endred you my Forte with halfe this adoe. Yea mary (answe∣red the King) and therfore had I rather trust this defendantes sonnes with my Fortes, then yours.

A Portugall Gentleman besought his King of a protection against certaine his enemies, who had vowed his death: The King thereunto condiscended, and gaue it him. Shortly after he came againe vnto the King, and complained to him of the

great feare he went in, notwithstanding his protection: where∣unto the King answered: From feare I cannot protect you.

The Duke of Nazareth, comming to the Court to doe his dutie to the Emperour in most riche and sumptuous robes, and his liueries most gallant: The Emperess•• seeing him out at a window, saide: It seemeth that Nazareth comes rather to bee seene of vs, then to see vs.

A Moore-King of Granada, called Chiquito, yeelded the said towne to Ferdinando, King of Spaine vppon composition, and being marched away with his troops a mile or two frō thence made a stande, and from a high hill turned backe to viewe the towne, as his last farewell thereunto: and beholding it, he fell a weeping, & said: Better had I lost my life then so faire a towne. His Mother hereunto answered: You doe well (son) to weepe like a woman, seeing you did not defend it like a man.

A Moore King shewing his Nobles much treasure, and a great heap of iewelles, they all commended his Maiesty for so rich spoiles ouer his enemies. And one amongst the rest saide. And it like your Maiesty, how great a felicity were all this, if a man were to liue euer. The King answered, You haue spo∣ken very fondly, for were not men mortall, I had neuer beene a King.

Ferdinando King of Spaine asked Auennamer, a Moore king, his prisoner, how he liued so long, being a man of great yeares. He answered, I neuer stood when I might sit, I married late, I was a widower betimes, and I meane neuer to ma••ie more.

Salladine the Moore, that last of all won Ierusalem from the Christians dying, commanded a winding sheet to bee borne in pompe at his funerall vpon the point of a Launce, and a Herald to pronounce aloud these wordes Salladine great Lord of Asia, of all his wealth and glory, only this winding sheete he carri∣eth away with him.

Ferdinando King of Spaine made choice of a certaine Gentle∣mā, who was not the best of fight, to employ him in an especial

affaire, and the Queene bespake the King to choose some fitter person, namely one of a better sight: The King would not, but imployed him, who very happily effected the affaire. Shortly after, the King vsing him in another peece of seruice, it was the Gentlemans chaunce to succeed il therein: Wherupon at his succeslesse returne, the Queene commaunded her Trea∣surer to giue him two hundred poundes for his paines. The Treasurer maruelling why her Maiesty was so bountifull to one, whome she so ill conceited, and had so ill deseru'd. The Queene said: As for his former seruice, in that he did it wel, he did it out of kind, but now that he hath failed herein, I tel you, he hath duly done his kind, and fitted my expectation.

Isabell Queene of Spaine, willed a Gentleman to buy her a Nagge of such a proportion, and of such a collour: The Gen∣tleman not finding any such, presented her with a most good∣ly horse and a mare, but she still demanding the aforesaid Nag, at last he answered. And it like your Maiesty, such a Nag I can not finde, and therefore doe heere present you this horse and mare: May it but please your Grace to bid them engender you such a nagge as you would haue, and I dare say they wil doe it in the best maner.

The aforesaid Queene of Spaine woonted to say, that euery ones good gesture is a letter in his commendation.

Philip the first, King of Spaine, seeing a Faulcon kill an Ea∣gle, commanded the head to bee wrong off, saying, Let none presume against his Soueraigne.

The Earle of VVarwicke asked King Henrie the sixt, why it pleased his Maiesty to goe so meanly attyred: The King an∣swered, It beseemes a king to excell his Subiects in vertue, not in vesture.

Alonso king of Arragon washing his handes before dinner, deliuered to a Gentleman that stood by a couple of ringes of great value to holde whilst he had done: and after washing not demaunding them againe, it pleased the Gentleman to keepe

them as his owne: A ten yeeres after the King washing his hands as before, this Gentleman chanced then to stand by, and proffering to receiue his rings againe: The King knew him, and calling to mind his former villany, deliuered them to an o∣ther, and said to him: Nay, soft friend, no moe rings for you till you restore me my first couple.

Alonso King of Arragon vsed to say, that fiue olde thinges pleased him passing well, viz. Olde wood for fewel; an olde horse for easie riding; wine of a yeare olde; olde friendes, and olde books.

An Archdeacon of Ciuill in Spaine, slew a shoomaker, and the shoomakers sonne besought iustice, and he had it thus. viz. That the Archdeacon for penance of the fact, should not say Masse the space of a whole yeare after: This iustice sufficed not the young Shoomaker: but chauncing in the meane time that Pedro King of Spaine came thether in progresse: The Shooma∣ker then renued his suit to his Maiestie. Wherupon the Iudge stepped foorth and informed the King how that Iustice was already passed vpon the said Archdeacōn, and told him al how it was. Neuertheles the yong shoomaker mainly importuning his Maiesty for better iustice: at last the King asked him, whe∣ther he thought himselfe man ynough to kill the Archdea∣con: He answered: Yes: Doe it then said the King. Hereup∣on the next day, (being Corpus Christi day) and the Archdeacon passing along in procession amongst the rest of the Clergie: The Shoomaker makes me no more adoe, but rushing vppon his person, stabbes him with his dagger. The King being complained vnto of this fact, and the fellow brought before him: It pleased the King in full notice of all the matter thus to pronounce sentence against him, namely: That in as much as the Archdeacon was pennanced for his foresaid murther, but only not to say Masse of a whole yeare; that in like maner this shoomaker should now not cobble any shooes the space of a whole yeare.

Alfred King of England vsed to say, that it is much safer to take aduise of the dead, then of the liuing, meaning Bookes, which neither for feare, nor yet for flatterie abstaine to tell a trueth.

A Moore-king of Granada vnderstood the Spanish tongue reasonable well▪ and seldome or neuer spake it. Being asked why he refused so to doe when occasion was offered: He an∣swered: Because a King ought neither doe nor say any thing, bee it neuer so trifling, which may not beseeme him passing well.

A Queene asking a country Gentleman when his wife was to be brought a bed, he answered: When so euer it shall please your Highnesse to command.

Vpon the first discouery of the Indies, it was discoursed be∣fore Isabell Queene of Spaine, that hardly any of her subiectes would be found, that would aduenture so farre and daunge∣rous a voyage by sea: The Queene answered: Yes, Fooles and Misers will.

Isabell Queene of Spaine woonted to say, that shee lou'd a life these foure sightes: An armed man in the fielde, a Bishop in Pontificalibus: a Ladie in estate, and a Theefe vppon the gallowes.

Henrie the third, King of Fraunce the very same morning that he had murthered the Duke of Guize in Bloyes, comming to the olde Queene his mother with the newes, and asking her how she liked thereof: She answered: It is well done, (sonne) if it be well done.

Queene Isabell of Spaine abhorred Garlike, and it chaun∣ced on a time through the Cookes negligence that a dish of Fish was seru'd to her boorde, all couered ouer with Percely, which had laine among Garlicke: Assoone as the Queene smelt it: she said: A way with that Villaine, see where he is come disguised in greene.

The Emperour Nero hearing that his predecessor Clau∣dius was related among the Gods, and knowing that he died of a poysoned Sallade, said: I had not thought that sallades had beene the food of the Gods.

OF NOBLEMEN AND Ambassadors.

DON Iohn first Duke of Medina Sydonia, being aduertisd by his Treasurer that his expences were most excessiue, and his gifts all to liberall; he answered: I will haue the glorie of my house known to the world, not by possessing much trea∣sure, but by expending much treasure.

Don Fredericke of Tolledo, Duke of Alua, being besought vnto by a poore widdow Gentlewoman to prefer with his li∣berality her daughter in marriage; he was easily inclined so to do: Wherupon he willed his treasurer to giue her an hundred Marks: The Treasurer mistook the Duke, & gaue her an hun∣dred poundes: who shortly after comming to giue vp his ac∣compts to his L. this hundred pounds came then in sight: wher¦unto the Duke excepted, and said: Why, I awarded but one one hundred Markes. The Treasurer had then no other shift, but to say, that his eares mistooke his Honors pleasure. Nay, replide the Duke, rather do I thanke God that he hath affoor∣ded thee better eares, then me a good tongue, and so he past the accompt for currant.

A plaine Countrey-man came to demaund iustice of the Lord high Constable of Castile, and thus he said. I am come to craue Iustice of your Worship, I beseech your Excellence to dispatch me, for I am a poore man my Lord, and vnlesse your Reuerence fauour my case, I am vtterly vndone: I pray your good Mastership to bee good to mee, and I will truly pray God to blesse your Alteze whiles I liue. The Constable here∣at broke foorth a laughing and saide: This poore Swaine will

be sure to hit me either high or lowe.

The said Lord Constable of Castile, lying on his death-bed, his Treasurer came vnto him, & besought him to forgiue him the value of xi. hundred pounds, wherof he had defeated him in his former accompts. I doe (said the Constable) and I wish it were twentie millions more, that I might as frely forgiue thee ••t all, as I pray God to forgiue me all.

The Fortresse of Buitrago by negligence was set on fire, and burnt downe to the ground, the Duke of Infantasgo being therof Lord: The Captaine of the place was the first man that brought the Duke newes of the mischance, beseeching his Al∣tez, that seeing it hapned through his meere default, he would seuer his detested head from his shoulders, for an example to all carelesse Captains euer after. Then the Duke asked him whe∣ther his nettes and toyles which he had there for Deere, were also perished with the fire; he answered, No my Lord, they are safe: That's well, said the Duke: As for the Fortresse, I tell theeCaptaine, take no care, for I did mean to haue rased it long agoe.

A poore Gentleman of the country had bred vp a horse to the perfection of a daintie good one, in so much that he made accompt to be a great gainer therby, and vpon diligent inqui∣rie after a good Copesmate, hee vnderstood that the Duke of Infantasgo would out of doubt giue him more for him than a∣ny in all the country besides, so greatly that Duke delighted in choyse of good horses. To him then this Gentleman needes would with his horse, and trauelling on the way, the weather being extreame hot, and the horse no lesse fat and foggie with ouer much former ease, fell downe and died. The Gentleman neuertheles got the horse flayed, and carried the skin to shew the Duke, and said vnto him, Your Honor may iudge by this skin what a goodly horse it was, and God is my Iudge, my L. I was bringing him to offer vnto your Lordship before all o∣thers. Gramercy, said the Duke: But tel me, what did you value

the horse at. Beleeue me my Lord (he answered) not vnder an hundred pounds could haue bought him of me. With that the Duke commaunded his Treasurer to giue the poore Gentle∣man two hundred poundes, and saide vnto him: I giue you these two hundred poundes as a charge, that through your de∣fault you neuer suffer any so gallant horse miscarrie any more so mischanceablie vnder your hands.

Sir Thomas Moore woonted to say, that a Lyer as a Lyer re∣sembled counterfeit Coyne, and in his other vices is like to light Coyne.

A Pick-thanke told Don Lopez de Haro, that such a one had greatly misused him in tearmes behind his backe, aduising him to reuenge the iniurie highly: Wherunto Don Lopez answe∣red: Now I giue God thankes, that though he be able to speak ••ll of me, yet hath he not the power to hurt me.

The Earle of Vrenia meeting an Archbishoppe in the street, saluted him with all due reuerence: And the Prelate but slightlie resaluted him, touching only his hat brim: Which the Earle noting, stepped to one of his Gentlemen and tolde him: It seemes your Lord is either balde, mangie, or earelesse, that he dares not venture off his hatte, for feare belike to haue it seene.

The Earle of Vrenia being to send a letter to a faire Lady, was desirous to make proofe of the bearers su••ficiency, as con∣cerning his due performance of the ceremony thereunto be∣longing: And he called vnto him a newe page of his and said: Sirra I am to send you foorth with with a letter to a very faire Ladie, let me see how well you can doe your message: imagine that I am she, and heere hold the Letter, and get you gone out at yonder doore, and then come in againe, and l••t me heare what you will say: The Page tooke the letter, went foorth, and came in againe, and being come somwhat neere the Earle. he doft his hat, and downd his knee, and kissed the Letter, and gaue it him, saying: Madam▪ my Lord of Vrenia greets your

Ladiship, & hath sent you this Letter. The Earle at this instant his hand was in his codpiece, and stood stooping, & thus he an∣swered: Welcome my Lad, how fareth my Lady the Coun∣tesse? The Page answered: Well & like your Honor▪ And the Earle how fareth his L. what is he now a doing? He answered My Lord is likewise wel (Madam) his hand in his codpeece, all to bescratching somewhat.

A poore Gentleman seldome dined from the Earle of Vre∣nia his boord. It chaunced in a forenoone that a tumult arose in the Earles Pallace, the Gentleman not being yet come: but anon after he came (for it was dinner time) Whom the Earle seeing, sayd vnto him: Sir, you are welcome, though resem∣bling the Smithes dog, euermore awake at meale, and asleepe at the Anuill.

The Earle of Vrenia asked one that came from the Court, what was reported of him there: Who answered: Neither good nor bad (my Lord) that I could heare: With that the Earle commanded him to be throughly blowe-basted and bea∣ten▪ and then afterward gaue him fiftie Duckets, saying: Now maist thou report of Vrenia both good and bad.

An ancient Captaine, whose beard was hoare-white with age, brought word to the Earle of Vrenia how the enemy had surprisd his Forte: Trust me (Captaine) good newes, (answe∣red the Earle,) Thou hast lost the ••ort, and preseru'd the Barba∣••ane. Barbacane, signifying in Spanish, a white beard, and also a Blockhouse.

Francisco Symenes Archbishop of Tolledo being deputed high Gouernour ouer Spaine, during the Emperours absence in the lowe Countries; vpon occasion of some seruice, sent for the Earle of Vrenia to come to him to Madryll. The Earle arri∣ued as farre as Guadalaiara (which was a two dayes iourney off the Court) and walking there in the Goldsmyths street, chan∣ced to cast his eie vpon a curious peece of plate in one of the shoppes, and with that hee stept to it, and viewing it, and

liking it well, hee willed the Goldsmith to bring it to his lod∣ging. The Goldsmith knew him not, and therefore craued his name. Then the Earle remembring his olde grudge towardes the Archbishop, and taking it in foule scorne to be at his call, answered. Na, na (my friend) it skils not who I am, seeing I am come thus farre.

A Gentleman, neighbour to the Earle of Vrenia in a deere yeare of Corne, besought the Earle to supply his present neces∣sity. The Earle was well pleased so to doe, and willed his Secre∣torie to drawe a warrant to his Stewarde to measure him out twentie quarters: meane while the Earle stood talking with the Gentleman at a window. At last the Secretorie hauing drawne the warrant, brought it to the Earle to signe: Which he peru∣sing, and finding that the words went thus, I will you to deliuer twentie quarters of wheat to Don Pedro de Gusman, wherwith I am willing to pleasure him at this time. He straight tore the warrant, and all to beknau'd the Secretorie, and said: Write that he de∣liuer him twenty quarters, for that it pleaseth Don Pedro de Gusman to doe me the honour to accept it.

A Seruitor of the Earle of Vrenia, who was but a poore mans sonne, besought his Lords leaue to goe into the Cuntrey for a time, for as much as his Father had prouided him a wife there. The Earle was content and willed his Chamberlaine to giue him withall a suit of Apparel out of his Wardrop. The seruing man assaying many, and finding none to fit him, in the end the Chamberlaine came and told the Earle of it, whereun∣to the Earle answered. Then bid my Treasurer giue him an hun¦dred pounds to buy him one withal. The Treasurer paid it, and he had it.

Isabell Queene of Spaine willed Don Alonzo de Aguilar to entitle himselfe Marques of Pliego▪ (which was the name of his Manour house:) He answered: That were all one as if your Maiestie would aduise me to marrie my maide.

The Marques of Cenete was woont to say, That to bee

rich was not to increase treasure, but to diminish appetites.

Gonzalo Fernandes, a braue Spanish Generall, walking in a Church, heard a Priest loudly praying: To whome hee sayd: Father, what prayer is that you say? Hee answered, the Prime: Straine it not then so high (replyd the General) least you break it: For Prime in Spanish signifieth also a treble Lute string.

Gonzalo Fernandes vsed to passe much by a poore mans dore, who had two very faire daughters: which the poore man per∣ceiuing, and conceiuing withall that Gonzalos abusiue loue of his daughters might greatly redound to his reliefe: He came to him, and besought him to help him to some doinges in the Countrey, thinking by such his absence the better to leaue his daughters to Gonzalos lust, and without that the worlde might iustly suspect any his priuity therunto. Gonzalo perceiuing such the poore mans drift & desperation, took cōpassion of his case, & drawing him into an inner roome, gaue him two hundred Crownes in two seuerall bags, saying: I marie wil I (my friend) doe for thee: Hold heere these two bags and be gone; see thou bestow thy daughters presently therwith, and as for thy selfe, I will prouide for thee besides.

Gonzalo Fernandes still vsed to say, that he remayned debtor to none so much as to them, to whom he gaue most: So much he esteemed the honour of his bounty.

The Earle of Cifuentes woonted to say, that Noblemen in times past vsed to cast accompt with their Launces, and now adaies with compters.

Don Diego de Mendoza Earle of Melito, was woont to say, That in the house where is a fountaine, there needeth no Ce∣sterne, and the Lord that hath fee ynough, need hoord vp no treasure.

The Earle of Cenete being a verie yoong Gentleman at the siege of Perpenian, ventured close vnder the wall, and darted a Launce into the Castle, and came safe away: Anon after a cou∣ple of hors-men salied foorth of the place, and he seeing them

would haue ventured to encounter one of them, But his Tutor would not suffer him, but said: Soft Sir, first I will go before & kill one of them, and then come you after and cut off his head: Nay (reply'd the Earle) rather let me goe before and kill one of them, and then come you after and kisse his taile.

The Earle of Lenios awarded Iustice to a Vass••ll of his: wherwith the party found himselfe greatly agrieued, & high∣ly exclaimed of the Earles iniustice therin, and belike the Earle indeed mistook the matter: Whereupon he sent for the party the next day▪ and sayde vnto him: My friend, thy ••peeches de∣serue laughter, and my errour reformation.

A Duke of Feria was so honourable in his bounties, that he neuer bid his Treasurer any set value to disburse, but thus: Giue such a one fourty or fifty Crownes, 100. or 1••0. pounds: so as the Treasurer rested euermore perplexed how to perform the Dukes pleasure. Wherfore being on a time commanded to giue a certain Gentleman 200. or 250. Crownes, he came to the Duke, to demand his exact ple••sure therin: Why pesant (an∣swered the Duke) seekst thou to alter my maner of phrase, I tell thee now for good and all, vnderstand alwayes the most of my pleasure, and there an end.

Don Bernardin de Velasco delighted so exceedingly in cros-bowes, that he deputed an especial roome in his house for their safe custody. It chāced on a time, that being to purchase a good∣ly manour, & much cuntrey about it in Andaluzia, he had stored vp treasure, to the value of 60000 pounds, which, his Treasu¦rer for more safety had coffered vp, & disposed in the said cros-bow roome, as being the strongest place in all the house. Don Bernardin one day comming thether, to see his cros-bowes, and seeing those coffers there, asked what trumpery it was. The Treasurer answered: Treasure. Treasure (said Velasco) tis trash; away with it, what makes it here to endanger my cros-bowes?

A Constable cōming to arrest a shomaker within his house; the shoomakers wife so well bestirred her, that she brauely be∣lamb'd

the constable, whiles in the mean time her husband got away: The Constable then came vnto the Duke of Infantasgo & complained vnto him of the battery, and of the shoomakers vviues misusage; alledging that if so scandalous a fact were not very seuerely, & that eftsoones corrected, it would greatly re∣dound to his L. disgrace: wherunto the Duke answered: Seeing as thou saist, the disgrace will be mine, I forgiue the shooma∣kers wife.

Don Bernardin de B••badilia entring into the Earle of Beniuenta his priuy chāber, the Earle did not arise to salute him: Wher∣upō al in a chafe he flung out, & said; your L. is good for a vassal

A worshipful Gentleman saying in complement to th'Earle of Vrenia: (I rest euer your Honors poore friend) and with that suce∣sing, and adioyning afterward (and your humble seruiture.) The Earle answered: I had taken you at your first word: viz. for a friend, had you not afterward adioyned seruiture.

A King of Spaine commanded a gallerie to bee built vpon Arches all along a streete from his pallace to Don Inigo Lopez his pallace, and vnderstanding that it was all finished, hee sent a Gentleman of his priuie chamber to goe view the work, and bring him true report therof, and withall to salute in his name Don Inigo Lopez. The Gentleman being arriued there, view'd the work, and did the Kingssalute vnto the Nobleman: who answered: Most humble thankes vnto the Kings salute, and I pray tell his highnesse I am well, and doe rest ready at all his Maiesties employance, only I maruell why it hath pleased his Highnes to daigne so vnnecessary a prop to my strong house.

At the funeral of the King of Hungary, the Emperour Charles passed along in a mourning robe, & the Earle of Nassao bore vp his traine. An officious Gentleman, retainer to the said Earle supposing it no lesse curtesie to doe the like to his Lord, tooke vp his traine, and bore it vp after him a good way: At last the Earle looking backe, espy'd him, and said: Let downe sir foole and be gone in a knaues name.

A Dutchesse was iealious of a faire Gentlewoman, conceip∣ting that she vsed some vnlawfull meanes to distray her Duke to her amitie: and in this mind sent for her to murther her. The innocent Gentlewoman suspecting no such daunger, came; and being in the place of death, the Dutchesse regarding her excee∣ding rare beautie, dismist her againe, saying: It is thy beautie hath slaine me, and saued thee.

Certaine Ladies comming to visite an honorable person, who was become a Friar, and had left the world, they said: That they greatly meruelled that so high a state as hee would leaue the world, who had alwayes liued most honorably therin and at his hearts ease: He answered: Euen as you say (Ladies) I haue alwayes hetherto bestow'd my fine floure on the world, and now therfore is it meet, that at leastwise I giue my bran vnto my God, if so it please him to accept it.

A widow Gentlewoman in a dearth of corne, came to the Earle of Vrenia, and besought him of his charity to releeue her With that the Earle called his Secretarie vnto him, & bid him draw a warrant to his Bailiffe, to deliuer her so much. The Se∣cretarie, whether he mistook his L pleasure, or whether he was willing to vse his owne discretion therein, set downe lesse then the Earles award, namely but xx. bushels; and so brought it to the Earle to signe: Who seeing so small a quantity, as but twentie bushels, was highly displeasd, and blotted it out, and wrote ouer it fiue hundred. Whereat his Secretary seeming greatly to muse, the Earle sayd: Thus hath thy folly made me a more Foole: but goe to, so it shall passe for this once. And hee passed it so.

The Earle of Cabra, being a very valiant Gentleman, ar∣ming himselfe on a time to goe skirmishe the enemie, his Gen∣tlemen greatly meruelled to see him so tremble and quiuer all the time he was of arming: which the Earl perceiuing, said: See see (Sirs) how basely my flesh quakes to think in what a pecke of troubles my aduenturous hart wil put it in anon.

A Nobleman had his young sonne vp to the Court, who be∣ing a delicate youth, the Ladies eyes were neuer off him, negle∣cting all other gallants, he being in place: Which the Noble∣man perceiuing, said vnto them. Are you so ouer-ioyed with the sight of gre••ne barley, that you forget your prouander a∣fore you?

Don Bernardino Piementel had his house plentifullie furni∣shed with all maner rich and necessarie things: In so much as it pleased the King his Liege to grace it in his progresse time with his suruey: Who when he had view'd it all frō one office to another, in the end he greatly commended him, saying: That he was a good common-wealthes-man: Whereupon a Noble man, this Piementels ill-willer, then by, said vnto the King. And like your Maiestie, there is not the least citie or town in al your land, but is better furnished. True answered Piementell, and yet I assure you (my Lord) not any whit of all this prouision came from your towne of Burgos.

Alauarda in Spanish signifies a Halberd, and Aluarda a pack saddle. A Nobleman willed his Secretarie to write a Letter to a Gentleman a friend of his in Tolledo, for a dozen of Alauardas, viz. Halberds. Now the Secretarie through negligence wrote Aluardas, viz. Pack-saddles: Which the Noble man set his hand to without ere reading it, & so sent it away. The Gentle∣man meaning simply bought a dosen of Pack-saddles, and sent them to the Nobleman, according to the contents of his letter: Which being presented to his view, & withal perceiuing by the Gentlemans letter, such the contents of his own, he straight found out his Secretaries errour, whome he presently called vnto him, and gaue him in regard of such his grosse ouersight, one halfe of the pack-saddles, and th'other sixe he reserued to himself, as in respect he was so carelesse, as to set his hand to a letter before ere he red it.

The Marques of Santiliana customed to say, that ceremo∣nies are ynough for strangers, but deeds befit friends.

The Marques of Santiliana was a great student, and being on a time merrily reprehended therfore by his illiterate friends, he said: I conuerse better with my books then with you.

The Marques of Comares talking with the President of Cor∣dua said vnto him, that the Romaines maintained a rich Com∣mon wealth, and but meane houses, and the Spaniards rich hou∣ses, and but a hungrie common-wealth.

A Commendador-Maior of Spaine, whose steward was all to miserlie for his thrift, said vnto him: I pray thee N. lesse pro∣fite and more honour.

A Noble man hauing many Guestes vpon a time at dinner with him and his bord not very wel furnisht, call'd his steward vnto him and said: Why N. this dinner is like a leaden blade, the point and the pummel soon bent together.

The Earle of Cifuentes being Ambassadour for his Spanish King at the Court of Rome, & being present at a Councel hol∣den in the Popes Consistory, at which were present Ambassa∣dours from most Christian nations; and a many Cardinals, and the Pope himselfe, and seeing there the French king his chaire placed aboue his Lieges, he push'd it downe with great impa∣cience. A Bishop that sate by, rebuking him therfore, and affir∣ming that that was no meet time nor place to commit scandals. Tut reuerend father he answered) say you as beseemes a diuine and doe I as fitteth a Gentleman.

A Duke of Florence inuited to his pallace at Rome the Earle of Tendilia, Spaines Ambassadour to Supper, & the Duke wold haue placed him at the vpper end of the boord vnder his cloth of estate; but the Earle greatlie gainsaide it, and refused it. Then the Duke waxing hereat ciuilly angrie, commaunded one of his Gentlemen to bring him foorthwith the keies of his pal∣lace, to the end to yeeld them vp to the Earle,

Frances King of France in a Letter that he wrote to the Em∣perours Ambassador, endorsed it thus. To th' Ambassadour of Kings, and King of Ambassadours, &c.

Cardinall Saluiates, the Popes Legate in Spaine, at the Em∣perour Charles his espousall, being in mery conuersation, said: That Fraunce tasted of pride, Spaine of malice, Italie of wisdom, England of vanity, Portugall of fooles.

OF GENTLEMEN.

A Gentleman asking a Dier, whether he could die his silk stockings of the collour of a womans honesty: Fie, said a Gentlewomā that stood by, what a question is that? Say you fie (repli'd the Gentleman) Beleeue me I had not thought a womans honesty had been of the collour of (Fie.)

A Sodomitical Gentleman walking in a Chu••chyard with an other poore Gentleman, whom he greatly disdained, and as∣king him where he would be buried when he were dead: The other answered: With you in Sodome.

Isabell Queen of Spaine, saying to a yong gentleman, whose father had before time sustained some iust disgrace at her high∣nes hands. I trow N. you wil trimly raise vp your house again, and make vs good amends for your fathers fault. He (being a silly sot) answered Yea, and like your Maiesty, one end of my barne indeed is sore decayed with the last windes, by reason that it stands somewhat high, but my mother hath promised me to be at the charge of that reparation.

A Gentleman sitting at a play, a Marchant by chaunce sate a∣fore him, whose hat was so high and broade, that it hindered his view of the play; wherupon he saide vnto him: My good ••riend, I beseech you doe off your hatte a while, for I assure you it will greatly benefite my eie-sight.

A Spanish Gentleman had a many Moores to his slaues, and in the winter time he kept them cold and bare: A Church-man rebuking such his vncharitie and hard heart, and saying that it was a shame vnto him: He answered▪: Passe they ouer the cold and Ile passe ouer the shame wel ynough.

A Gentleman in regarde of a Gentlewomans rude behaui∣our towards him, estranged himself for a season from conuer∣sing with her. Whereupon a friend of hers asking him on a time, why hee became so great a straunger to that house, hee answered: Because better is ciuill strangenesse, than rude fa∣miliarity.

A Gentleman riding along where sate a many Gentlewo∣men at the street doore, an vgly Mastiffe curre flewe at him: Whereupon the Gentleman desirous to view the Gentlewo∣men, took this as an occasion to turne back, and said vnto thē: Gentlewoman, this Curre is hell, and all you are heauen.

A Gentleman bespake a paire of shooes of a shoomaker, who at the monthes end brought them him: Whereat the Gentle∣man somwhat angry with his so long delay, say'd vnto him: Euē as you came (my friend) so be gone; for I weare not my shooes by your foot, but by mine owne.

On S. Steuens day it is the custome, all horses to be let bloud and drench'd. A Gentleman being that morning demaunded whether it pleased him to haue his horse let bloud and drencht according to the fashion. He answered: No sirra, my horse is not diseasd of the fashions.

A young Gentleman said vnto an olde Gentleman (who was but his equal both in linage, & liuing, and all other respects onely age excepted) Sir I beseech you let mee kisse your reue∣rend hand. Th'other was content, and offered it him to kisse: But the young Gentleman, seeing such his vanitie, only shooke him by the hand, and said: Good faith Sir, you and I against any other two.

A poore Gentleman that for wealths sake had maried a rich pesants daughter, compared such his mariage to a pudding, whereinto hee had put the bloud, and his Father in law the Chibbols.

A Ge••tleman came hungry home, and called for dinner, and his man answered: That it was but new stroken tenne. Tut

(said the Gentleman) tellest thou me of ten by the clocke, being twelue by my stomacke?

A poore Gentleman dying, had three faire haukes, which he thus disposed of: viz. Th'one to be sold for the benefit of his soule; th'other for the discharge of certain dribling debts; and the third to remaine to his sonne, whome he made his Execu∣tor. This good Executor within a while after missing one of the hawkes, sayd: So wel fare thy heart (hawke) be thou gone for my fathers soule.

A Gentleman being releast out of prison, the porter at par∣ting demanded his fee, and the Gentleman gaue him but a com¦mon prisoners fee, viz. three pence: Wherunto the Porter ex∣cepting, and challenging sixe pence. The Gentleman shaming belike to haue been prisoner for so foule a matter: answered: I am content thou take me for a pesant for this once.

A very ciuill Gentleman walking in conuersation with o∣ther his companions, stayd talking by the way with a plaine Cuntryman, who met him, and deliuered him a letter: And be∣cause his parly was somewhat long, th'others were disconten∣ted and walk'd on afore, leauing him behind, who at last ouer∣taking them, said: Gentlemen, it is no lesse honourable to an∣swere an inferiour, then to comply with an equall.

A yoong Gentleman that had followed the warres, com∣plained when he came home of the Sciatica: And being asked how he came by that ache, he answered: By lying in franke te∣nements, viz. Vpon the bare earth.

One asking a Gentleman his acquaintance what good hor∣ses he had, he answered: As stately a one as euer you saw. Th'o∣ther then desirous to see it, to the stable they went; where when they came, a piteous poore iade it was (God wot) of pure skin and bone But looking still about for the foresaid stately horse, and not seeing any such there, he maruelled, and often asked where he was become. Then th'other answered: Why loe heer where he standes (pointing to the poore lade) I warrant

yee (quoth he) that he goes not aboue halfe a mile an houre to dy for it, and can you haue a statelier horse then so?

A Gentleman seeing his man gallop a horse ilfauoredly, said vnto him: I assure thee (N.) thou doest not a whit discr••dit thy mother: The seruing man asking him how so Mary (quoth he) because when one doth a thing passing wel & with a good grace (as now thou doest) I haue hard it often said: The whor∣son hath done it passing wel.

A Nobleman came to the Courte with a gallant traine of golde-chaines after him: And one of his Gentlemen being as∣ked how it chanced that he had ne'r a chaine as wel as the rest: He answered: I doe not gnawe.

A vertuous Gentleman seeing a malicious person looke downe on the ground, and continue gazing thereon a good space, said: Questionlesse either some mischiefe is befallen yon∣der man, or some good to some other body.

A Gentleman that had been to see the Peake, trauelling the same day homeward again, alighted that night in an In: where, when hee was to goe to bed, a bonny-Lasse stepped into his chamber and offred him her seruice all night: Hee seeing her impudence, answered: I lift not (wench) to enter into the Peake twise in twelue houres: and so dismist her.

A Gentleman put out his mule to a Horse-courser to break and bid him make it a widdow-mule: The horse-courser mar∣uelling at such a tearme, demanded his meaning therein. Mary (sayd the Gentleman) a widdow hath these three good proper∣ties: she is fat, she feeds well, and she goes well, such a one would I haue you make my mule.

M. William Goring of Sussex had left him by Sir Henrie his fa∣ther a chest of treasure so close pyl'd vp together, that hard it was to finger out any one peece, much les••e to gripe out any. This Gentleman hauing lost the key of that chest, offered a lock-smith in bargaine for a new, eyther to take his full gripe of mony out of it, at the opening therof; or els to stand to the

bare price of his key. The Smith chose rather th' aduenture of his gripe: Whichwhen it came to passe, & that withal the iniu∣rie he did vnto his fingers, he could neither gripe, nor pick out any one peece: At last hee was faine to stand to the Gentlemans curtesie, who like a Gentleman requited his auarice with farre more bounty then the key was worth.

An Officer whose daughter was detected of dishonestie, and generally so reported, vpbraided a gentleman that his bro∣ther was a Papist, & therfore he himselfe haply not much bet∣ter. The Gent. hereunto answered: Aswell may an honest man haue a knaue to his brother, as an errāt whore to his daughter

A Gentleman accompanying on the way a great Commenda∣dor of Spaine, who wore a huge chaine about his necke, with a great S. Iames hanging downe his breast before; at parting this Gent. horse was so vnweldy, that he could not easily rule him, but still he ••risked and carabetted & crost the Commendador on the way: Wherupon the Commendador asking him, what his horse ayled, he answered: And like your Honour, he is like a Hackney iade, which wheresoeuer it sees a signe hang out, thinks strait it is an In, & will not passe it to die. So is it with my horse, and your Honours habit about your necke.

Two Gentlemen were at factions with one an other, & the one of thē sent his trusty seruant to an old Gent. his neighbor, to sollicit his partiality on his behalf: Wherunto the old Gent. made this answere, that he for his part, was rather sorie of their mutuall enmities (being both his very good neighbors) thē that he would any waies be a party therin, other then in way to at∣tone them to his power, & make them good friendes againe. The seruing-man deliuering this answere to his maister: The Gentleman all in a snuffe said: What an old foole is he, that will be angry with no body.

A Gent conuersing merrily among a many Gentlewomen, they said vnto him: Ware you speak no more such follies, for feare we bind you, he answered: Being your selues all loose wil you bind me?

A Spanish Gentleman was buying of Porke, and another that was not a Gentleman, but so seemed, came and cheapened it of the butcher, as though he meant to buy it out of th' others hand: Wherat the Gentleman half angry, said vnto him. Well seeing you come to cheapen my porke, Ile (sure) one of these dayes come cheapen your pease.

A poore Gentleman and a rich Cormougeon being at chol∣lericke tearmes with one another, the Churle ••ware that hee was as good a Gentleman as he. Euen so (repli'd the gent••eman) then I assure thee, I am the veriest pesant in the world:

A pick-thanke was telling a vertuous Gentleman, howe such a one spake ill of him behind his back in the presence of a great many Of a great many? (answered the gētleman) Beleue me, so I had rather one should say ill of mee before many, then many before one.

One told a Gentleman that his men tatled much disgrace of him behinde his backe He answered: Let them tattle what they list, and doe I what I list.

A Gentleman hearing theeues in the night time scaling his neighbours house, sayd: Harke how yonder poultry mount vp to their pearches.

A Gentleman of Tolledo hauing a peece of riche Taffeta brought him from a friend of his out of India, sent for a Mar∣chant to buy it of him: Who seeing it, and liking it well▪ tolde the gentleman, that if it pleased him to take saffron in exchange for it, he would gladly rid him of it: Wherunto the gentleman answered: Gramercy (my good friend) But know you not that my L. Cardinals grace is at this day Inquisitor general ouer all Spaine? Goe but to him, and obtaine of his Grace, that whereas Saffron is now most vsde in fry'd meates, he to en••oine all men to vse it hereafter in boil'd meats; and this being once granted and proclaimed, then come to mee againe, and I will shew you more of my mind.

One saying to a Gentleman: Sir, me thinks you haue built

your house wel for Summer, but not for winter: He answered: Belike you thinke I haue lesse wit then wilde geese, that cannot shift my abode with euery season.

There was a certaine poore Gentleman, who, in regard of his pouerty, euery one thowed, and not any vouchsafed him the title of Mastership: Wherupon one that noted it said: This argueth that neither God nor the K. euer created mastership.

One asking a Gentleman what he thought of one that was newly taken in adultery: He answered: Taken tarde.

OF GALLANTS AND VPSTARTS.

A Presumptuous gallant besought the King of Spaine in a merim••nt to make him his Secretary; The King answe∣red▪ that hee was already prouided of a su••ficient one. Yea, well I wot (reply'd the gallant) your Mai••sty hath a Secre∣tary indeed, but he can speake no Latine, which is a foule de∣fault. The Secretary standing by, then answered. But it is a grea∣ter shame not to speake good Spanish.

Emanuell King of Portugall being to ride a hunting, willed his Steward to prouide him dinn••r in a banquetting house, which he had in the forrest, and that it should consist onely of such meats as had no bloud in them. viz. Sallades and fruites altogether. A Gallant ouerhearing such the Kinges encharge, stepped straight to a Gentleman his companion by, & drawing out his sword, presented it to the King, and sayd: It may then please your Maiesty to taste hereof, for by Iesus it neuer yet drew bloud of any and in it selfe the deu'll a whit it hath.

A merie Gentleman seeing a Gallant that was bound for the Indies walke the streets, his hat al-a fl••unt, and befeathered with all kind of colloured plumes, saide: When a Gods name will this Woodcocke flie, ••or well I see he hath all his ••ethers about him.

One that had layn first with the mother, and then afterward

with the daughter, asked a Ruffian mate, what that fact might resemble; who answered: All one, as if you should eate the hen first, and the chickin after.

A Spanish Hidalgo vsed to say, that in a case of brabble be∣tweene king Phillip and him, hee might with more right giue the King the lie, the the King giue it him, because he himselfe is a pure Spaniard, and the King but an Ostrich.

A gallant vsed to say: Trauelling on the way, let me alwaies lie in a house where I may call my Host Knaue, and my Ho∣stesse whore, viz. in an Inne.

A Gallant was brought before a merrie Recorder of Lon∣don for getting a maid with childe, and the Recorder said: It is a maruel (master N.) that you being a Gentleman of good qua∣lity, would venture to get maides with child: The Gentleman answered: Nay rather were it a maruell, if a maide had gotten me with child.

A Gallant entred into a young Noblemans chamber whiles he was a trimming, and said: What meanes your L. to haue to doe with this pack saddle groom? The barber answered: True (my Lord) for such a saddle indeed did I once make for his fa∣ther.

A Gallant bosted himselfe of much Worship and Gentrie in a place where he was not knowne: and it chaunced that hee and his Taylor squared about a bill of accompt, and he highlie vaunting his worship to the Tayler, sayde: Why Pesant, it seems, thou knowst not what Gentry means: Tel me, what is it? The Tailer answered, Yes, to be borne a hundred miles hence.

A poore creature beg'd almes of a Gallant, who gaue him a Tester. With that the begger said, that he would pray to god most truly for him. No (answered the Gallant) I pray thee pray for thy selfe, for I take no Almes-vsurie.

A young Master that had wasted a goodly inheritance in a verie short space, one said in mockage of him: Wheras earth v∣seth to cōsume al other men, this Gallant hath consumed earth.

A Portugall and a Spaniard fought, and by means of friends they were parted, and almost made friends. Then the Portugall said: I am contēt (sirs) at your earnest entreaties to let the villain liue, but as (I am a Gentleman,) Ile haue one limme or other of him, as a badge of my victorie.

A vaine Gallant ranne his head by chaunce against ano∣thers bellie, and the companie asking this other how he felt his bellie, he answered: Well, for a wind-bladder neuer giues great blowe.

An vnthrifty youth being brought to the last cast, challen∣ged in th' Arches a certaine rich Citizens daughter to wife, af∣firming, that they were at such a time, and in such a place con∣tracted together. Then the Iudge asked him, whether the mariage were neuer since consummated, yea or no? With that steps mee foorth the Maides Procter, and said: Yes (sir) his li∣uing is long agoe.

Two companions went to a wenching house, and the Lasse was not yet come according to appointment: wherupon one of them began in the meane time to conceipt the olde Vicca∣reste of that h••l, there present. Which th'other seeing, said vn∣to him: Are you so hungrie that you will eat vp the halter be∣fore the hay come.

A Gallant seeing himselfe worshipped at euery word in all places where he came, said vnto his hostesse that so beworshipt him: I pray thee hostesse, worship me no worships, would my worship were hang'd.

One asking a gallant where he lay anights, he answered: My lodging is like the point of a sagbot, that stil goes with the eie.

A yoong Maister was new come to his liuing, and his mo∣ther blaming his vnthriftines, all in a pelting chafe he sayd vn∣to her: Fayth (mother) taunt me so but once more, & for spight Ile sell ye all the land and liuing I haue. So may you doe well, Sonn (answered his mother,) yea and if you should sell it all but for sixe pence, yet should you be no looser therby, for it neuer cost you groate.

A presumptuous Gallant prickt vp vpon the Spanish Court gate a Tilt-challenge against all commers: A Lady asking her Paramour whether he would subscribe therunto, He answe∣red: No (Madam) no firme of mine, for, so fantasticall a body admits no impression, viz. Encounter.

An vpstart Gallant being determined to seeme the Gentle∣man, bought him halfe a dosen faire sutes of apparell, and put∣ting on the first day of his brauery a faire large veluet cloake, he look'd about him, and said: Me thinks this cloake stands no∣thing hansome vpon me: True (said a Gentleman that stood by) you may therfore doe well to begin with Taffeta first, and then fall to your veluet afterward.

A gallant was a boasting that he feared neither poxe nor plague: And an other adioyn'd, Nor God.

One commending an others huge strength, said: That if the world had an iron ring at it, he would lift it vp all.

A Gallant threatned one, saying: If thou offende me, Ile throw thee so high into the Element, that rather mayst thou feare famishing, then falling.

A Parish in the west Country called Lent was by fortune set on fire: and by chance a good fellow passing by at the same time, and seeing it, asked the Parishes name: They answered, Lent: Lent (quoth he) I pray ye then in with Fridayes and Sater∣dayes to, that the fire may consume them altogether.

CORONELS AND CAPTAINES.

MOnsieur de Aubenie last Generall of the French forces in the Kingdome of Naples, being, what by conquest, and what by composition, to yeelde vp to Spaine, the last townes and holdes that he there held for his Liege▪ It pleased Gonzalo Fernandes the Spanish Generall to be so honorable, as af∣ter much Festiuitie extended vnto him at his surrender, to fur∣n••sh also his decayed armie with principal good horses to pack

away: But Monsieur d' Aubenie rather regarding the pride of his mind, then the curtesie of the Spanish Generall, told him at par∣ting, that he had done very vnaduisedly, to mount his men so brauely away, in as much as vpon the same horses hee might chaunce to see him and them shortly againe in those partes, in as hostill maner as euer before. You shall be welcome (answe∣red Gonzales) whensoeuer you come, neither shal you euer find Spaine lesse honourable then now.

One Pedrarias a Portugall in a battell that hee fought against Spaine, took prisoners a many Gentlemen and Artizans of Tol∣ledo, and hauing occasion the morrow after to make a Trench & a vault vnder ground at a place called Pannionrostro, he asked them all seuerally, whether they were Gentlemen or Artizans: And such as said they were Artizans, hee imployed them in the work, saying: Why would you leaue your trades? And the Gentlemen he dismist, saying: You did but your duties to come to the warres.

Gonzalo Fernandes vsde to say: That souldiors in peace, are like chimneyes in Summer.

The saide Generall woonted to say: If thy enemy fly, make him a golden bridge.

The saide Gonzalo Fernandes marching on a time to bid the French-men battell, chanced to stumble and fall: Whereat his Army seeming dismay'd, at rising vp he said vnto them: Why (sirs) this is no worse then that the ground embraceth mee for ioy.

Diego Garcia Paredez saying to Gonzalo Fernandes: May it please your Honor to auoid that dangerous place, seeing how sore the enemie playes vpon it: He answered. Since God hath put no feare into your heart, put you none into mine.

Don Pedro Gonzales seeing his Liege at the battel of Aliube∣roto in danger to be slain, alighted frō off his horse, & mounted the King theron, and foretir'd him safe away. Which after he had done, & placed him in assured safty, he wold haue returned

backe againe to the battell, but the King would not suffer him. Pardon me my Liege then he said: I will goe. Neuer shall the women of Guadalasara say, that I train'd out their sonnes and husbands to the warres, and haue left them dead in the field, & am my selfe safe returned home.

A Spanish Captaine was sent to skirmish a multitude of ene∣mies with a few men: And of those ••ew he tooke but the one halfe, saying: Better yet a few die then all.

Chatillion, L. Admirall of France hauing giuen the Guizians a great ouerthrow in a vale, was himselfe suddenlie set vpon by a troope of enemies from a hill: Yet notwithstanding retreating his scattered Armie to saftie with the losse of only some few, he said by the way: I thought yonder mountaine cloude would at last redownd to a shoure of raine.

The King of Spaine commanded the braue Castle of Monti∣lia for the lords treason to be rased to the ground: And it chan∣ced, that as the ruine was a doing, the vnexpected fall of a tur∣ret slew fifty persons. Gonzalo Fernandes hearing of it, said: Oh what a destruction (trowe yee) would Montilia haue made a∣mongst her enemies, had it been suffred to liue, that dying hath slaine so many of her foes.

Fernando Gonzales seeing one of his souldiours a selling his horse, ask'd him why he sould him: The Souldiour answered: Because (my Lord) his fashion is to giue backe at the sight of ar∣mour. I marueile much (reply'd Gonzales) that you will sel him for the same qualitie you bought him for.

Gonzalo Fernandes being to bid the enemy battel, it fortuned that certaine barrels of powder were set on fire, wherwith the Armie was superstitiously dismai'd: which he perceiuing, said: (Sirs,) this is the bonfire of our victory.

A Souldiour came and told his Captaine, that hee thought such a Fortresse of the enemy might be wonne onely with the losse of some few men: Whereunto the Captaine answered: But will you be one of those few?

A couetous Captaine, whose name was Leonard Robiny, his Souldiours in derision, called him Captaine Rob-pennie.

A gallant Captaine leading his men foorth to seruice, & see∣ing them halfe amaz'd at the ouer multitudes of th'enemy, said: Why, (Sirs) did heauen fall, wee would (I trowe) support it with our manly Armes.

An Italian Captaine seeing fire giuen to a Canon in th'e∣nemies Fort toward his quarter, prostrated himselfe vpon the ground, and said: He that feares not thee, feares not God.

The Castle of Endouen in Brabant being surpriz'd by night▪ by the States souldiours, the Captaine thereof being an Italian, was then a bed with his wench: To whome his Lieutenant came, and said: Vp and fight (Captaine) or saue your selfe, for th'enemie is within the walles He answered. You and the rest fight there, for I haue as much as I can turne me to heere: Anon a••ter came one of his Sergeants, and said: Captain, vp and away, th'enemie preuailes: He answered: I, now I come, my launce is in the rest: At last came rushing in his Ancient, and said: Cap∣taine, your collours are lost, and the Castle tane: He answered: Yet haue I broken my Launce, what will you more? Then last of all rusht in th'enemie into his chamber, & would haue ••laine him: With that he kist his whore, and said vnto them: Oh Sirs, Bon guerre, bon guerre, see heere Bon guerre.

An Italian Captain in the Low-Cuntries leading his men to skirmish th'enemie: thus heathenlie encouraged them saying: (Sirs) remembring the Anticke honour of our Romaine nation, fight so: and as for your sinnes, if you die, know ye there is no God. So said, he fought, and was the first man was slaine. Good Reader, detest this and honour Gods iudgement therin.

OF SOVLDIOVRS.

A Captaine and a souldiour fought a combate, and the Cap∣taine hurte the souldiour in the Arme. So as downe

fel his sword from out his hand, he resting at the Captains mer∣cy. Then the Captain saying: Now yeeld (villaine) or die. Is it as I list (answered the Souldiour) know ye then, that though my Arme now failes me to fight, yet my courage serues me wel to die.

Amongst a many Portugalles that went to giue the Moores a Camesado by night a Spaniard marched amongst them, and he speaking somwhat loud, contrary to their proclaimed silence: a Portugal shent him therfore, saying: By your Spanish speech the Moores will thinke wee be all Spaniards, and then (before God) will they kill euery mothers child of vs.

A Portugall souldiour marching in a troope of Spaniardes a∣gainst the Moores vnarm'd & weaponlesse, one asked him why he was no better furnished: He answered: Mary because ther are as valiant men at foot, as at Armes.

A Spaniard at the entry of the breach of Mastricht (a Flaun∣ders town) seeing at a corner house, as he ran along to the spoile, an Image of the Virgin Marie broken and all defaced, bow'd downe his knee to the ground, and vow'd that before he pas∣sed that street he would kill seuen Dutch men in despite of the seuen deadly sinnes, and an eight in reuenge of that sacriledge done to the said Image of our Lady, and he did so.

A Spanish souldiours match in Flanders, not taking fire so presently as he would, said: Gogs Nouns, this Lutherane fyre re∣fuseth to light my Catholike match, for feare (belike) least it shuld kill some thousand Dutch Lutheranes.

A crue of Souldiours beg'd of a Gentleman as hee rode on the way, and he answered: Faith (Sirs) I doe not vse to giue ta∣kers any thing. They neuerthelesse still importuning him and one of them, saying: Happely your Worship hath sometimes beene a Marshal man your selfe (for so you seem,) and therfore we hope you wil not be vnkind to poore Souldiors in distresse. No trust me (answered the Gentleman) I neuer was Souldiour in all my life and yet (I hope in God) I am an honest man neuer∣theles.

A cowardly Gallant went forth with his company to com∣bate the Moores, and the Moores won the field: Home then re∣turned the run-away suruiuors, and brought their Generall word of al a la mort. Amongst whom this Gallant was missing; and not being heard of, was thought to have been slaine. Nay I warrant you (said an olde woman ther present) he is liuing, for well ye wot, Moores eat no Hares flesh.

A Gallego of Spaine went to the warres, and was shot with an arrowe into the head. The Surgeon searching the wound, said, that he could not possibly liue, for that the arrow had pierst his braine. The Gallego answered: That can not be, for I haue no braine at all; had I had braines, I trow I had neuer come to the warres.

At the siege of Barcelona, a Portugall horsman entred pelle melle, in th'enemies throng into the towne gate, and wrote with a chalke within the gate: Hetherto aduentured Vasco Fer∣nandes. The next day a Spaniard hearing him boast thereof, was no lesse aduenturous, and brauely hazarded himselfe the next skirmish, in at the same gate, and wrote with a cole beyond his: Hetherto Vasco Fernandes did not aduenture.

A valiant Souldiour being demaunded how many men he durst encounter withall at once, answered: If he be an honest man, one is ynough, if villaines, a whole street-full.

A nouice souldiour putting on his first harnesse, trembled, and said: Now that I see my selfe in Armes, I am afraide of my selfe.

A young souldiour brought from the warres a great skarre in his face, and chancing on a time to meet an olde Souldiour, that had as great a skar in the face as he, he stood gazing there∣vpon a good while: Then th'other asking him why he did so: He answered: I am sure I am vp, but you haue wonne it by the elder hand.

A souldiour that had a piteous mangled face brought his garment to a Tayler to mend: The Tayler gazing earnestly on

his face, at last said: You had more need bee newe made, then mended.

An Italian souldiour at the siege of Bergaine op Zome in Bra∣bant, prostrated himselfe on the ground, at the sight of a Ca∣non shot, and said. Not bow to thee, not bow to God.

A souldiour that in his mirth was most gracious, and in his rage intollerable: One said, that he was like a Quince that helps disgestion wel, and yet is it selfe hard to disgest.

A Spanish Officer brauing an English Gentleman that seru'd his king in the Lowe countries, and saying: My Liege giues thee bread to eate: els might'st thou starue wel ynough: He an∣swered: Your King indeed aduentures his purse for mee, but I my Princesse displeasure, and my life for him.

One preferred warres before peace, and his reason was, Be∣cause that in warres the fathers burie their sonnes, but in peace the sonnes their fathers.

A souldiour was a telling how that in a battell in which he was, th'enemies Arrowes were so infinite in the aire, that they darkened the sunne ouer them: Wherunto an other answered: Then had you the ods, to fight with them in the shade.

In a plaine all couered ouer with snow, a Captaine seeing a souldiour march in his doublet and hose with a pike on his shoulder all in a sweat, ask'd him how in so cold a day as that, & but in a thin doublet and hose he could possibly sweat so: The souldiour answered: Marie (Captaine) if you carried all your goods vpon your back at once, as I doe, I warrant you, you would sweat as well as I.

OF CHALLENGES AND Combates.

A Gentleman reading a letter of defiance, wherin he was challenged the field, his page holding the candle vnto him whilest he read it, & snuffing it, chanced to put it out.

Sirra (then said the Gentleman) light the candle again quicklie, for I tell thee (boy) this letter comes not to put out candles, but to kill God a mercy on his soule.

Fernando Gonzales appointed twelue Spanish souldiours to combate so many other French men hand to hand; and it fell out that the combate ended with equall honour to both nati∣ons: Whereupon Gonzales saide; I sent my Spaniardes foorth for better men.

In Spaine single combate is not allowed, but betweene per∣sons of like bloud and linage: A Spanish Gentleman hauing a quarrell with another not his equall, sent him a challenge thus: I, N. doe acknowledge my selfe as base a villaine as thou thy selfe; and therfore, see thou meet me to morrow at such a place.

A Spanish souldiour challenged an Italian Gentleman to the field: Wherunto the Italian excepted, as in respect he was his better; neuertheles (he said) I haue a boy that shall fight with thee in the right of my quarrell, where er'e thou darest to ap∣point: The Spaniard herunto thus answered: Let that boy come, for boy, or base how er'e he be, I will accompt him thy better.

It was vpbraided to one that he turn'd his back to his ene∣mie, and ranne away: He answered: No, I did but trauerse my ground in the fury of my spirits.

A Gentleman, who was none of the wisest, was deputed iudge in iest, of a Iuste betweene two other Gentlemen: And one saying vnto him; (Sir) how thinke you of this last course, hath not Master N. lost his Launce? meaning that hee had not countercrusht it vpon his aduersarie: Whereunto he answe∣red: If maister N. haue lost his Launce, let him seeke it out a∣gaine.

A gowtie Gentleman challenged to run with one for a wa∣ger: What wager (said th'other?) He answered: For humours.

An old Gentleman being a hunting, lost one of his Beagles, and vnderstanding that such a young Gallant had taken it vp,

sent to him to demand it: which the youth refusing to deliuer, the next day, he sent him a challenge to the field. But the yong gentleman return'd him this answer: That in regard of his weak old age, he would not so much distaine his vigorous youth, as to encounter him in Armes. Whereunto the olde Gentleman replyed: That notwithstanding that he was a yong boy indeed, yet was it vngratefully done of him, in that hee did not at least∣wise daigne to thank him for such proffered spurres, how euer he durst or listed not to accept them, being offred to such his in∣fant yeares of vndesert.

TRAVAYLERS BY LAND and Sea.

A Trauelling Gentleman being return'd home out of Italy discoursed to a friend of his a very vnlikely accident that had befallen him by the way. Wherat his page standing by, said: I beseech your worship giue me leaue to beleeue it.

In a common betweene two Alehouses stood a faire stone crosse, and two Gentlemen riding by it, the one of them saide: See where stands a crosse betweene two Theeues. One of the Alehouse, hostes ouer-hearing him say so, was all in a pel∣ting chafe, and fouly taunted the Gentleman therefore: Who answered: Why (my friend) thou art the good theefe.

Two Trauaylers met together at an Inne, and a fat Capon was seru'd vp to their boord: At dinner time one asked th'o∣ther, whether he had a father liuing or no: Hee answered, no: And withall told him a long discourse how, and where, and howe long since his father died: Meane time th'other eate vp the best of all the Capon: Which the tale-teller at last percei∣uing, halfe angry, said vnto him: Now that you haue heard the discourse of my fathers death: I pray you tell me, haue you also er'e a father liuing: He answered: No▪ Now I pray you then tell mee (quoth th'other) how hee died: Hee very earnest at his

vittailes, briefly answered: Suddainly, very suddainly.

A Mastiffe dog flue vpon a passenger, and he with the pike of his staffe ran him into the guttes, and kill'd him: The owner of the dog hereupon commnc'd his action against the par••ie: And the matter being brought to the vpshot, the Iudge asked him, why he did not rather strike the dog with the wood end of the staffe, then with the pike: he answered: And like your Honor, he flue at me with his teeth, not with his taile.

Don Iohn de Figueroa vsed to say: That he that euermore al∣leadgeth in his conuersation other mens sayings, is like a gow∣ty naile, that cannot enter the wood, except an augar make the way before.

A trauayler meeting a countrey man, asked him the way to such a place: The countrey man told him, & withall brought him partly on his way, and as they rode together, he tooke ex∣ceptions to the Trauailers bag, which he wore sagging down his belly before, and said: It is the maner of this country to wear bags at our sides, not vpon our bellies, as you doe. Wherunto the trauailer answered: I weare it thus, because I suppose there are a many theeues in this country.

An olde man trauelling to a farre country, and being some eight or nine dayes iourney on his way, all hot and pursie as he was, wrot a letter to his wife, in which he said. As for my health (wife) I am well (I thanke God) hetherto, only I find my breath somewhat short, in so much as I dare assure me, if euer I die, it will be for want of breath, and nothing els.

A water-man feried a Gentleman ouer a riuer, who was booted and spurt'd, and went to take horse on th'other side the water; to whō the Gentleman said: How chanceth it (my friend) that thou work'st this day, being Ascention day? he answered: It seems (sir) your Worship meanes to ride to day.

An Hostler taking a Gentlemans bootes downe to make cleane: The Gentleman said vnto him. I pray thee (fellow) let my boots alone, for th'old durt will serue to keep out the n••w.

Two Trauailers scoorst horses with one another, & when they had done, th'one of them said: Now at a word, you haue as errant a iade as euer went on foure legs: for he is foundred he hath the scratches, he is broken winded, &c. Th'other an∣swered: Then haue I but mine owne againe.

One trauayling on a frosty morning through a countrey village, was set vpon by a greate Mastiffe: Hee stooping for a stone to throw at him, and feeling it hard frozen to the earth, said: A poxe on the countrey where stones are ty'd, and dogs let loose.

A plaine Gentleman riding vpon a leane large horse, a Gal∣lant that met him, ask'd him what a yarde of his horse was woorth: With that he bid his man alight, and lift vp his horse taile vnto him, and then he answered. Enter into the shop, and they within will shew you.

A Trauailer affirming that he saw a cole-wort so monstrous huge that 500. men on hors-backe might stand in her shade. An other answered: And I for my part did once see a Chaldron so wide, that 300. men wrought therin, euery one distant twenty yardes from other. Then the Colewoort-lyar asked him, to what vse that Chaldron was made: he answered. To seeth your Colewoort in.

A Trauailer vsd to tel monstrous lyes of his iourneyes, and of the places and things he had seene. And being one day in con∣uersation with many Gent. & bosting that he had seen these & these places: One of them said vnto him: Belike you are seen in Cosmography: No (he answered) I neuer was in that City yet, but indeed I remember I once trauailed in sight of it, leauing it somwhat on the left hand, but such was my hast, that I ouerpast it, as I haue done many a faire citie more in my dayes.

One accompaned another many daies together about his affaires, and finding himself not duly comply'd withal for such his curtesie, vpbraided him with his foresaid trauaile: Where∣unto th'other answered. As much went I with you, as you with me.

One that had been whipt at a carts taile for a misdemeanure fled his country for verie shame, and embark'd away to an ob∣scure Iland in the sea, where he spent the remainder of his life: And walking one day in the high street of the towne, where he remained, hee chanced to see a poore fellowe whipt at a Carts taile along the street, and in compassion of his case, hee said: Lord, how can this poor soule endure al this whipping cheere▪ By chance one that stood by, & knew his foresaid correction at home in his own country, answered. Euen (as a man would say) as well as he that had abidden the like whipping cheer before.

Don Iuan de Vrbina vsed to say: That such as report newes of strange countries, are like vagabonds, whose garmentes con∣sist rather of patches, then of anie principall peece.

A poore young Gentleman carrying his dumb old mother before him vpon a Mu••e; the Duke of Nazareth ouertook him on the way, and he thinking it good maners to beare the Duke companie, the rather because hee had a Gentlewoman before him, offred to presse neere him, to th'end to ride cheek by iowle by him: His olde mother being more considerate, and seeing his follie, spurn'd the Mule as hard as shee could out of the waye: But the wisacre her sonne seeing her do so, thought that she did it to hasten the rather neer vnto the Duke: wherupon he in that conceit set spurres to the Mule ••o fiercelie, that the Mule wax'd stark mad withall, and in his furie ran into a ditch, where (in the Dukes sight) he threw them both downe, viz. the mother vn∣dermost with all her cloathes about her eares, and her son vpon her, and the Mule vpon them both.

Gonzalo Fernandes arriuing safe a shore in Spaine after a great tempest, and looking backe to the sea, hee espied an other ship tending to the same shore, and vpon the poop of it a gallant clad all in crimson Veluet: Whereupon Don Diego de Mendoza, asking him who he thought that might be: Hee answered: It is Santelmus, who neuer appeareth but after a tempest.

In a perillous storm at sea, a passenger of the company, whiles all the rest were a weeping and praying, and making humble vowes to God for their safeties, fell hard to his vittailes: And being for such his impietie reprehended, he answered: Being to drink by and by so great a draught of water, is it not meet (trow ye) that I vittaile my paunch well aforehand?

A Passenger at sea feeling his stomacke rise, sayd to the mai∣ster of the ship: I pray holde still the ship a while, til I vomite.

A ship sayling toward Peru, a mighty storme arose and en∣dangered it: Wherupon the Captaine charged euery man to throw into the sea, the heauiest thing he could best spare, to the ende to lighten somewhat the ship. A passenger that had his wife there, offred then to throw her ouer boord, but the com∣pany rescued her: And being asked what he ayled so to doe, he answered: She is the heauiest thing I haue, and I can best spare her.

One counsailed his friend to passe along by sea from Newca∣stle to London, affirming that with a good wind he might arriue there both soner then by land, & with half the charge. Th'other answered: No, I list not ride vpon a horse that goes an end, and that I cannot alight off him at all seasons when I list my selfe.

A waterman affirmed, that all boates were females: And his reason was, because folke vse to enter into them.

A ship being by mischaunce set on fyre vpon the coast of Peru, and past all recouery, a souldiour threw himselfe into the sea, and said: Some rost, some sod.

A Fishmonger in a tempest at sea, seeming to feare drow∣ning, The Mariners asked him, whether he fear'd to be eaten of Fishes; He answered: No, rather may Fishes fear me.

One praying his friend to lend him his cloake: The other answered: Seing it raines not, what need yee er'e a cloake? and if it should raine, why then should I need it my selfe.

OF POLITITIANS.

A Polititian wonted to say: Who so deceiues me once, God forgiue him; If twise, God forgiue him, and God forgiue me; But if thrise, still God forgiue him, but ner'e forgiue me.

One vsed to say, that men now a dayes make more of all things, then our forefathers did, all but our graues.

One would needs prooue that men now a dayes are wiser then men of old time, and his reason was: Because they could remedy euill but only with good, but men now adayes can re∣medy one mischiefe with another.

One vsed to say: That it is alwayes good to misse a friend before he be missing.

One vsed to say: Better be poore at the beginning, then at the latter ending.

Philip Duke of Burgundie was woonted to say: Of great per∣sonages speak neither good nor bad: For if thou speake good of them, happily thou belie••t them; if euill, thou maist repent it.

A Polititian alwayes wisht his enemie these three aduan∣tages, viz. A iust plea in law, to loue such as wish him ill, and to win at the beginning of play.

A polititian aduising a yoong Gentleman to deale doublie, and dissemble twentie maner of faces in the affaire hee had in hand: He answered: I list not slaue my ••elfe to so many faces, for that one good face is both better worth, and a great deale easier to represent

A Polititian aduising a wel disposed person to counterfeit a patient behauiour toward such a ones extreame rudenesse, see∣ing he was likely in time to receiue some benefite at his handes, if he please him well: Th'other answered: I list not slaue my selfe to aduantages.

The Italians vse to say, De che me ••lo, me guarde Iddio: De ch•• no me fio, me guardare Io: That is,

A fained friend God shield me from his danger, For well I'le saue my selfe from foe and stranger.

OF SVTE AND SVTERS.

ONe Henrie Goldingham that had long sued to her Maiestie for her Signe to his graunted suite and her Maiestie still saying that she had no pen and inke at hand to doe it, at last he humbled his Bill to her highnesse foote, and said: May it then please your Maiesty but to step your royall foot heerupon, and I my selfe will then warrant it for good. Her Maiestie so well liked of such his merrie conceipt, that presentlie calling for pen and inke did daigne to signe it.

The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales being 80. yeares old, a ser∣ui••or of his as old, or rather older then himselfe, besought him of the Alcaldeship of Canales, an office which was latelie fallen into his graunt: Wherunto the Cardinall answered, that hee was sorie he had spoken so late, forasmuch as hee had already granted it to another, promising that the next that fell, he should haue it without all faile: Oh my good Lord (reply'd the serui∣tor) but what thing in this worlde can sooner fall voide then your Grace or I?

An Italian Captaine in the Low-cuntries besought the Duke of Parma of an vnreasonable sute, which the Duke refused him: and he humbly thanked his Altez therfore: Wherat his friends and fellowes by marueyling, he said: Euen humble thankes for that his Excellence hath so speedily dispatcht me.

A yoong Nobleman in Spaine, suing a Duke for his Dutchie, in the midst of all his law, fell in loue with a very mean Gentle∣woman, whose name was Blanke, and married her foorthwith: Wherat his father was in a great chafe, and said: The foole su∣ing for a Dukedome, would he be pleasd with a Blanke?

A poore man was an humble suter to a Gentleman, who said vnto him: I pray thee (fellow) be gone, for thy breath stinks mi∣serablie of garlike: He answered: Not I Sir, happily it is my sute that stinks vnto you.

A Gentleman passing along vnder his Mistresse window, she chanced (spitting out therat) to spit vpon him, and foorthwith perceiuing her amisse, crau'd pardon of him therfore; who an∣swered: Forsooth (Lady) a Fisher-man wets and dables himselfe all day long, and perchance catcheth but shrimps in the end: and I to catch so faire a Trout as you, doe you thinke I can loth so slight a deaw? Faith no.

A reuerend person besought a largesse of a Prince for a friend of his, and the Prince refus'd it him: he neuertheles stil entreated & it would not be, til at last, humbling himself vpon his knee at the princes foot, with much entreatie he obtain'd it: A many gentlemen standing by, condemn'd such his too much basenes, considering his grauitie and wisdom, & told him, that he had therin greatlie discredited his reuerence & magnanimitie: He an¦swered: That is not my fault (Gentlemen) but the princes, whose eares (as you see) are in his heeles.

One besought a Iudge for iustice, and thus he said: My good Lord, wheras the iniurie that such a one hath done me, is verie hell. Now, howsoeuer it shall please your L. to end the matter, I will accompt it heauen.

OF GAME AND GAMESTERS.

A Lady had an vnthriftie son, and she being to take water on a time, and seeing the billowes rough, and the winde high, ••aid vnto him: Son, if I drowne to day, I praye thee play not away my cloathes till I be buried.

One vsed to say, that dice and purging pilles were of like nature: ••or that a litle of th'one purgeth a mans panch through∣ly, and as litle of the other a mans purse.

One dispraisd Dice, and said, that Dicers are woorse then Vsurers for that they with a hundred get but ten: but Dicers with ten▪ happely get a hundred.

A Captaine and a Marchant plaid at dice, & the Captain lost,

and swore lustily euer and anon: At last hauing lost all, he snat∣ched it all away from the marchant againe: Whereat the mar∣chant amaz'd, stood trembling and said: Captaine, if you meant I should not carie away any winnings, what a••l'd you to swear, and rage so at euery word.

Hernando Gonzales woonted to say: That a great gamester could hardly be an honest man, because he both heares that in play, which he may not well abide, and vttereth that which o∣thers may no lesse abide.

One asked a great Dicer of a pale complexion, what was the reason he stil look'd so pale and wan: He answered: So looks the money I lost at play.

One asked another what Gallant that was, that passed by so brauely towardes the Court, so stately mounted, and attyr'd all in gold: Mary (quoth he) it is one maister N. a Gentleman that maintaines himselfe so gallant as you see, only by play. By play? (repli'd the other) In truth I haue not seene any, that hath so well redressed his owne defaults by others defaults.

A friend aduisd a great gamester his kinsman to giue ouer play, affirming that it was a great sinne, and a folly both: Wher∣vnto th'other answered: Rather is it an especiall vertue, and a singular remedy against all the seuen deadlie sins. For first, how can that man be proud (trow yee) who after hauing lost an hun∣dred or a thousand pounds at dice with a Noble-man, will after∣ward be so humble, as to venture his Tester with a Lackey? Or how can that man be couetous, that cannot safegard his vtmost pennie from play? Or how can he possi••lie be lustie to women, that continually tyres himselfe out at play? Or how can he be a glutton, that dare not bestow a Tester on his bellie, for feare he should want it at play? Or how can he be enuious of other mens goods, that is so carelesse of his owne? Or how can he be easly angry, that puts vp a thousand curses euery night, for sitti••g vp so late at play? Or how can he be accompted slothful, that sits vp whole dayes and nights at play, and neuer lins playing?

One discommending bull-bayting in Spaine with dartes, where the bul is suffred to runne loose: and his reason was: Be∣cause it teacheth men to runne away.

Pedro Mexia a Spanish Croniographer, wonted to say, that belike it is a shamefull thing to runne at the ring, seeing none doe it bare-fac'd, but with their beuers downe.

A Gentleman who did greatly stut & stammer in his speech, playing at Mawe, laid downe a winning card, and then said vn∣to his partener: How sa-ay ye now, wa-was not this ca-ca-ard pa-as-assing we-we-well la-a-ayd: Yes (answered th'other) It is well layd, but yet it needs not halfe this cackling.

A Moore viewing the bull bayted with dartes in an inclo∣sed compasse of ground, where both the Bul & the men fought loosely and in daunger: A Spaniard asked him how hee liked that sport: Hee answered: Too litle for earnest, and too much for Iest.

A greasie companion lost his money at cardes, and in his rages still said: The Deu'st take me: At last a stander by hearing him say so▪ answered: So would he (I warrant you) were it not for feare of your bird-lime.

A cogging companion asking a ciuill Gentleman, whether he would play with him at dice: He answered: No, with no such lucratiue fellowes as you.

A Gamester ought a Gentleman (a friend of his) fiue pounds, and hauing lost all his money at dice, sent to borrow 5 pounds more, by the token that he ought him already fiue poundes: Wherunto the Gentleman thus answered the messenger: Bid your Maister send mee the token, and then I'le send him the fiue poundes.

The end of the first part of this booke.