Wits fittes and fancies Fronted and entermedled with presidentes of honour and wisdome. Also: Loves Ovvl. An idle conceited dialogue betwene loue, and an olde man. Recta securus. A. C.

Wittes, Fittes, and Fancies. The seuenth part. (Book 7)

OF DRVNKARDS,

A Gent. man was a great Drunkard, and falling off a ladder, broke his nose so as he was faine to weare a plaister theron so g••eat, as couered his nose all ouer: which his master seeing, ask'd him how it cam so to passe: One of his fellowes thē standing by, answered: And like your wor∣ship he is faine to case his nose (as you see) for feare to run it a∣gainst Tauernes.

A Flemming had drunke fiue quartes of wine all alone in a Tauerne, and there lay snorting vnder the boord: At last hee awaked and was sober, and the Drawer ask'd him money for sixe quartes: he answered: Why (man) that cannot be, for my bellie neuer holds aboue 5. quartes at a time: Yes, (answered the Drawer) the wine being passing good, one quart fum'd vp in∣to your head, and then the other fiue in your bellie make sixe, so is there sixe quartes. You haue reason (said the Fleming) and so paid him for sixe quarts.

On Palm-sunday a great Drunkard carried a Palm-bough in Procession, and one seeing it, said vnto him: A house so wel knowne needs nere a bush.

A Physition reprehended one for drinking wine so migh∣tilie in time of the plague: who answered: I doe it to the end the plague may take me for a tub, and so ouer-passe mee.

A great Drunkard lying sick of a burning Feuer, said vnto his Physition. I wold haue you cure my heat, but not my thirst

A Doctor of physick aduis'd a great Drunkard that had but one eie to beware of wine, least he lost the other: hee answered: Nay: Better destroy a window then the whole house.

One aduis'd a great Drunkard still to mingle water with his wine, hee answered: If that were good, God would haue ••one it in the grape.

A rich Drunkard misus'd a poore man in tearmes, and the poore man being big & grosse, said vnto him: Sir, if you please not to forbeare me for my own sake, yet (I beseech you) forbear me, because I am like a Tub.

A Drunkard that had scarse ere a good tooth in his head, one thus bejested him, saying, that the continuall water-course had quite borne away his quearnes.

Because King Philip is the noblest Dutch-bloud at this day in al the world, and a Duch-man the greatest Drunkard: Ther∣fore a Spaniard dispraising one for drunkennesse, said: Thou are euen as errand a Drunkard as King Philip.

A Drunkard passing ouer a bridge, his eies so gla••'d, that he thought they were two bridges: and stepping vpon the wrong bridge downe hee tumbled into the brooke: where drinking his bellie full of water, he continued, saying: No more nowe (Hostesse) no more now.

A merrie Officer of London passing by an Alehouse, where he saw a couple of good fellowes a drinking, stept in vnto them, and ask'd them who they were: They answered: Clearke of S. Magnes, and Sexten of Boe: He then adjoyn'd: And I Recorder of London: Hey (hostesse) fill in my pot too.

In a countrey-parish an Ale-house stood close by the church porch, & the Vicar saying seruice vpon a time, ouer-heard cer∣taine good fellowes a quaffing and carrolling in the saide Ale∣house: Wherupon he fell from his function, and said: Sirs, it is no reason that yonder fellowes should partake of our prayers, & we not taste of their Ale: And with that he shut vp his book and to the Ale-house he went, and all the parish after him.

One put a frogge into a Duch-mans pot, and hee drinking swallow'd it clean downe: Being ask'd whether he felt not any thing in his draught, he answered: No, nothing but a litle mo••e

OF NOSES.

ONe had a Nose like a bunch of grapes, and passing along the street, two women met him and seeing such a nose, stood still a while, and gazed therupon: He asking them why they stood still and went not about their busines, they an∣swered: because your nose stands in our way: With that hee wry'd his nose aside with his finger, and sayd: On (ye whoores) for (loe) now way is made yee.

One that had a huge nose hearing an other say that in Ger∣many, theeues are punished with diminution of their noses, said: Then will I goe into Germanie, and commit some halfe dozen robberies there, and so returne home again both rich and with a better nose.

One was a saying that he greatly marueill'd at Iohn a Nokes his great nose: An other answered: Say not so, but thus: that you greatly marueill at Iohn of Noses: for in saying so, you giuethe lesse to the greater, if otherwise, the greater to the lesse, wich is improper.

One that had a mighty nose, and a very thin beard, an other commented therupon, saying, that the shadow of his nose hin∣dred the growth of his beard, as doth the shadow of the Dock the growing vp of the Nettle.

In Spain it is a law, all swords & Rapiers to be of one length: A huge nos'd Constable tooke one with a Rapier aboue that skantling, and tooke it from him, and caus'd it to bee cut shor∣ter, and then deliuer'd it him again, saying: Know ye now from henceforth, that the law allowes all too-much to be diminished: Th'other answered: Diminish then your nose.

A mightie-nos'd Courtier hauing retir'd himselfe for a time into the country, ask'd a friend of his that came from the court, what newes was saide of him there, hee answered: Your Nose.

One seeing a great Drunkard with a huge nose all to bese•• with pimples blue and red, said, it was the soule of the wine as∣cended into the region of his nose, and those pimples the Me∣teors that redounded thereof.

Sir Thomas Moores Lady was very curious and neat in her attire, and going one day to Church, she bid her Gentlewoman look whether her gown-pleates stood euen behind, and whe∣ther all were well and tight about her: Sir Thomas himselfe then standing by, and noting her curiositie, and withal her wry nose said: Faith (wife) there is yet one fault more then your maid sees neither do I well see how it can be holpen. She being then ve∣rie earnest with her Gentlewoman to find it out, and halfe out of patience that shee was so long a looking it, at last ask'd Sir Thomas what fault it was: he merrily answered: Your nose.

OF BREATH.

A Great tosted cheese-eater had baited his trap with cheese, and another seeing it, said vnto him: What need you bait your Trap with cheese? doe you but sleepe with your mouth wide open a nights, and all the Mise in the chamber will enter therinto.

One asking a Cony-catchers man, how it chanced his breth stunk so fore: he answered: With keeping my masters counsel.

OF FACE AND SKARRES.

A Gent. not the best fauour'd, came early in a cold winters morning to visit a Gentlewoman, and by reason the frost had sore nipt his nose, and somewhat bluly di••figur'd it, shee said vnto him: Lord (maister N.) how ill-fauor'dly you looke this morning: he answered: Faith, neither of vs both look very well when we are at the best.

One that with ouermuch fasting & austere life, had wrought

himselfe exceeding pale and leane in the cheekes: Another see∣ing him, said: Lord, how yonder poore soule hath terrefi'd himselfe with fasting.

One disprais'd vnto his friend a certaine Gentlewomans hard fauor, & said; If you saw her by day, you would loath her by night.

A Gent. entring into a prison to visite a friend of his, the porter (who had a great skarre in his face) demaunded his wea∣pon: The Gent. gaue it him, and noting his skarre, said: Holde here (friend) and see thou make much of it, for (I assure thee) it is not it that did thee that disgrace, pointing to his face.

A Gent. hauing a quarrell with a neighbour of his, sent vp and down the country for hackstars, & good fellowes: Among others, two that had vglie great skarres in their faces proffered him their seruice, which he refused, saying: Bring me them that gaue you those skarres.

A maid accus'd a sterne-fac'd fellow before a Iustice, affir∣ming that he had rauish'd her, and the Iustice asking him, whe∣ther it were tru••, hee answered: Your Worship sees my face, other force I offred her none.

A Gent. saying to a foule-fac'd fellowe: How like you yon∣der maid? He seeing her yll-fauor'd, answered: Like mee.

OF BEARD.

ONe that had a bush-beard, and vs'd euermore to sweare thereby an other said vnto him: Keeping no Ale-house what need you sweare so by your bush?

A Iudge condemn'd a red bearded-fellow to be whipt at a cartes-taile: and it was afterward euident that hee was inno∣cent of the fact: The Iudge being told asmuch, answered: Yet is he justly whipt for hauing a red beard.

OF BLINDNES.

A Poor mans eie was strooken out with a stone, & it hong only by a little string: Going presently to a Surgion to haue it put in againe, hee whiles the Surgion was busie about his preparatiues and trinkets, said vnto him: How think you (I pray) shall I loose my eye? No (answered the Surgion) for (behold) I haue it heer in my hand.

A Gentlewoman who was blind of one eie, her rude hus∣band call'd her euermore both in mirth and anger, blind Bus∣sard: Certaine strangers being at dinner with him on a time, a Gentleman of the company was also blinde of one eie, and he then calling his wife blind Bussard, adjoyn'd afterwardes to please the Gent. Sir, I meane not you, I meane the blind Bus∣sard my wife.

One endorc'd his letter to a blind-man thus:

To him that but by smelling knowes, Nor good, nor bad before his nose.

this bee deliuered.

A Schoole-maister raising vp his Schollers early in a mor∣ning, sayd vnto them: I hauing but one eie, can see to rise at breake a day, and you with each of you two eies, can scarse see day at noone.

A sand-blind Gallant praising himselfe to himselfe, and say∣ing: Faith (N.) thou hast a comelie personage, a passing faire wife, and the world at will, what wilt thou more? A wagge behind a door ouerhearing him, answered: Out with those eies.

A one-ey'd Iudge being partiall for the Plaintiffe, threate∣ned the defendant that vnlesse he held his peace, he would com∣mit him. The Defendant then casting his eye aside vnto the companie, said: Sirres, beare witnesse what an vntoward eye he castes vpon mee: I feare mee, he will adjudge me blind anon.

A blind-man married a faire wife: and on the marriage-day bee all to imbrac'd and kist her before all the companie: Shee

in modestie requested him to forbeare till night: hee answered: Nay (Mouse) all is night with mee.

A one-ey'd Gent. seru'd a verie browne Maistresse, who on a time being sullenly dispos'd, sore beflouted such his eyes de∣fect: and hee in reference to her swart complexion, answered: I pray, be not you like the Sable-Crowe, that still peckes at the eye. Take it interrogatiuely, and it sounds better.

A Country-man that had but one eye came to the Corne-market to buy wheate, and resting there against a poste with a great sacke on his shoulder: by chance an acquaintance of his came by, and seeing him, ask'd what price corne bare: hee an∣swered: Mee thinks they hold the bushell as deere as a mans eie: wherunto th'other reply'd: What make you heere then with so great a sack, seeing you are able to buy but one bushell?

A Captaine that had but one eye, saying vnto the Mar∣ques of Pescara: My Lord, it is now late within night: I pray giue mee leaue to goe sleepe an houre: The Marques in re∣ference that hee wanted an eye, answered: You haue slept one halfe already.

A Seruing-man hauing but one eie, came into a Fence-Schoole, and play'd with an other at fence, & it was his chance to haue th'other eie strooken out too: Hee then seeing himselfe all in dark, layd downe the foyles, and sayd vnto the company: My masters, God giue you all good night.

One that had but one eye, saying to an other: How say ye? will you play with me for an e••e? th'other answered? I, but how will you see to play and stake too?

OF TALNES.

TWo sisters being in place together wherof the yoonger was tall and a maide, and th'other a wife and great with child, a Gent. in the companie said vnto th'elder: How chanceth it your yoonger sister out-groweth you in height? She answered: Because I outgrow her in thicknes.

One seeing a little man and a tall man walke together, said: Loe yonder high Almaine and lowe Almaine.

A verie little Gent. riding on the way, out-rid his men a prettie way before: They meeting with a Traueiler, ask'd him whether hee met not such a Gent. before: he answered: Not a∣nie, only I met some halfe mile hence a horse that carried a hat vpon the saddle-pummell, and a boot hanging downe on ey∣ther side.

A little Courtierran best at tilt before the Emperor Charles and the wags of the Cou••t said, that the paltry Ape did best.

A verie litle man talking with a monstrous Lunges, stept to a ladder by, and tooke it, and rested it against his shoulder, & began to clime vp therupon: The Lunges marueilling thereat, ask'd him what (a Gods name) he ayl'd: he answered: Marie, to of th'end you may heare mee.

One seeing a scab vpon a litle Dandeprats hand, said: Now see I that I neuer saw, a scab vpon a hand-worme.

One seeing a dwarfe in the street of 44. yeares old, said: If he be as long a going from a man, as he is growing to a man, out doubt the Ape will neuer die.

OF FAT AND GROSSE.

ONe Hoops was apprehended vpon suspition of Fellonie, & two very big men came to bayle him: The Iustice be∣ing thick of hearing, ask'd a Sarjeant by what they said, who answered: Marie, (sir) these Tubbes are come for Hoopes.

A big Iustice going in Circuit, a plaine country-man came to him and said. I humblie beseech your Highnesse to doe mee justice: hee answered: Thou hadst said better, My Bignesse to doe thee justice.

A Gent. was manning a fat faire Gentlewoman ouer a field, & being wearie he whispered to a friend of his, saying: How might I do to rest my selfe? he answered: Lie down vpon your packe.

One proffered his friend his big and fat daughter in marri∣age, and withall a very rich portion. The other gaue him harty thanks therfore, and said: One quarter of her will serue my turn well'ynough: wherefore you may doe well to seeke her out some other husbands for the rest.

One ask'd an aged fat man how it chanc'd, that being of those yeeres, he continued so fat withall, hee answered: Neuer was I yet a husband nor a seruant.

A fat grosse man challenged a leane man to run with him for a wager, (condition) hee to haue asmuch waight laid vpon him, as might counteruaile his waight. The leane man answe∣red: It were better your corpulence were equalled with my leannesse.

A Gentlewoman commending a Gent. to his face, and say∣ing, that he was a goodly big man: he answered: Al that is great is not good, but all that is good, is great.

One seeing a big fat Gent. and a leane Gent. standing toge∣ther, said: Loe yonder, Shroue-tide and Lent.

OF LEANNES.

A Gent. taxed a Gentlewoman of ouer-much leannesse, & shee answered: Small and delicate is the needle at the end of a Goad, that prickes the Oxe forward.

Of a very leane Gentlewoman that had no more breastes then a boord, one said, that shee was like a Hen robb'd of all her garbadge.

One seeing a grosse man and a lean man standing together, sware, that he neuer in all his life saw a Lute and a Gitterne bet∣ter consorted.

Vpon the Tombe of a verie leane Lady this Epitaph was engrauen:

Heer in this graue repose a Ladies bones, As full of flesh as when they were liuing ones.

A leane Gentlewoman whose seruants name was Ouncebred,

one thus bejested her to her face: It seemes (quoth he) you eate ••ot aboue an ounce of bread at a meale.

OF CROOKEDNES AND Lamenesse.

THe Duke of Medina Celi hauing a crook'd back-Ladie to his wife, ask'd his Iester on a time, what hee thought of his stately new hall at Madredejos: The Vice answered: A stately hall indeed (my L.) and a tall, yet can not my Lady, your Lady stand vpright therein.

One that was a litle crooked fellow and verie craftie with∣all: an other compar'd him to the common law.

One saying to a crook-back'd person that it was a great de∣fault to be crook-back'd: hee answered: Rather is it an ouer-plus

A crook-back'd Plaintiffe besought a Iudge to doe him right, and the Iudge answered: Well may I heare you, but right I can not doe ye.

A blind man of one eye met his bunch-back'd neighbour earlie in a morning, and said vnto him: Good morrow (neigh∣bour) what? your burthen on your backe so rare in a morning? The bunch-backe answered: If it be morning (as you say) how chances it you haue but one window yet open?

Some bodie hauing stolne away a stump'd-footed fellowes shooes: hee sayd: Now, I pray God who euer hath them, well may they fit him.

One seeing a very mishapen and crooked person in the street said, that he had a Camell to his Nurse.

A Gent. seeing a monstrous yll-fauor'd & crooked woman in the street, sayd to his companion: See yonder: The more a man can find in his heart to hate her, the better may hee loue the deuill.

A Captaine dispatching a lame souldiour out of his bande, the souldiour mal-content said vnto him: The warres need no men that can run away, but such as can bide by it.

One condoling his friend for hauing married a lame wife: the other answered: Why man, I mean not to lead her foorth a hunting.

One quarrelling with a lame man, threatned that he wold make him set his foote straight ere he had done: The lame man answered: In so doing I will accompt you my friend.

OF CHILDREN.

ONe said to a little child whose father died that morning, and was layd out in a coffin in the Kitchin, Alas my pre∣tie child, thy father is now in heauē: the child answered: Nay, that is he not: for he is yet in the Kitchin.

The Earle of Aymonte vs'd to say, that he is luckilie vnlucky that hath no children.

One who had 8. daughters, his wife was brought a bed of a ninth and so soone as it was christened, it died: He seeming to take it verie heauilie, a friend of his came to comfort him, and said: Hauing so manie faire daughters besides, what neede you lament so grieuouslie for the losse of one? He answered: Oh giue mee leaue, for this was truly a good one.

One vs'd to say that the benefit of children is, that now and then they tattle somewhat which delightes the father, where∣by they partly mittigate his misery at their mothers hands.

A Gent. walking without his gate, saw certain wagges tot∣tring vpon a cart, and all too brake it, and hee sore rated them therefore: In the meane time came by a neighbour of his, who ought this carte, and the Gentleman asking him whether hee went, hee answered: To seeke out a Herod to auenge mee of these boyes.

A Physition discharged a Caliuer at an old Physicke book which was left him by his Grandfather, and it was his hap to shoot it cleane through: which his little child standing by, and seing, said: I warrant you (father) my grandfather neuer courst it through halfe so soone.

The father forgot to giue his little childe meate at dinner: Wherupon the child pray'd him to giue him some salt: Salte said the Father) and wherfore salte (my boy?) Marie father (he (answered) for the meat you are to giue mee.

One whose name was Blackmere was a very foule blacke∣man, and hee had a verie faire child: Wherupon a friend of his meeting him in a morning with his sayd little one in his armes, said vnto him: Why how now? what? a Blacke a Moore tur∣ned to white?

A Schoole-maister whose name was Salter read Terence to his Schollers in a country-parish: A goodman & his wife were at ods about their pottage at dinner time, he finding fault that they were too salt, and shee affirming that they were too fresh: At last the goodman said to his little boy, there at dinner with them: Tell mee (Iacke) how saist thou? are these pottage fresh or salte? The boy answered: They may very well read Terence (Father.)

A Passenger returning backe by a blind Ale-house, where he had laine thatday seuen-night afore, desir'd his Host to boile him a joint of powder'd Veale, such as hee prouided him the time before, saying, it was the best meat that euer hee eate. You shall sir (answered the Hoste) and so departed: With that a little child of his standing by, sayd vnto the Passenger: If my Father shuld loose a horse euery week, it would be dear Veale to him.

A Physitions child was sicke of a burning feuer, and he for∣bad his folke in any case to giue him water to drink: The childe hearing such his fathers encharge, within a while after call'd for a little holy-water to drink, which they telling maister Do∣ctor of, hee then sayd: What (a deu'll) doth the Ape call for wa∣ter from heauen? Nay, then let him haue it, or any other water besides.

One that took vpon him much gentrie, and was no Gent. his litle sonnes were a tumbling in a heap of straw in the street, which a Gent. (a neighbour of his) seeing out at his windowe,

••aid vnto his wife: T'were a good deed yonder gallowses were whipp'd, see how they tumble and bedust themselues in the stravv: shee answered: No, let the•• alone, for it faire betokens their Gentrie.

The Countesse of Beneuente aduis'd a Gentlewoman her neighbour, not to dote too dearly vpon her little Babe, least the losse of it should grieue her all too neerly.

OF AGE.

ONe that had a white head & a black beard, an other ask'd him how it came so to passe: hee answered: Marie, the haire of my head is twenty yeeres older then my beard.

A Noble-man had attain'd to 86. yeares of age, and neuer in all his life had taken physick: at last he sickned verie grieuously; and at the earnest instants of his friendes condiscended to take physick: Then came the Pothecarie to him three or foure daies together with preparatiue sirrops and potions; all which he re∣ceiued, and bid his man after the Pothecary was gone, to put it al together into a close stoole. At last came maister Doctor him selfe to visit him, & viewing what filthy stuffe was in the close stoole, hee sayd: Sir, you are a happy man to be rid of these bad humours in your bodie: see heer the benefit of Phisicke, and your life preseru'd: The Noble-man answered: Gramercie close stoole.

One ask'd an old man how long he had liued: he answered: A while, but a great manie yeeres.

One vs'd to say, that a man being once arriued to 50. ought rather bethinke himselfe to receiue death well, then to enlarge his life longer.

One meeting an old man all trembling on his staffe, said vn∣to him: The house that is once come to a prop, is neer falling.

One being demaunded what was an olde mans greatest dif∣ficultie, hee answered: To affoord rewards.

One vs'd to say, that an olde man to cheere himselfe dain∣tily, is to make his death more bitter.

One woonted to say, that of all auarice th'olde mans is worst, considering that to hoord vp treasure in the age of death when a man is not likely to liue to spend it, is extreame follie.

An old Gent. woonted to say, that three thinges were in∣creast vnto him by old age: viz. To see more, to doe more, and command more: To see more, by reason hee was faine to vse spectacles to make his letters seeme the greater: To doe more, in that alighting off his horse, he was readie to draw the sadle after him: To command more, for that he was faine to speake twentie times, before ere he could get his men to stirre.

An olde Gentlewoman going to the house of office, espy'd a looking glasse that lay there vpon a shelf: Taking it, and view∣ing her selfe therin, and seeing how wrinkled and ylfauor'd she was, she threw it downe againe, saying: Fie on thee false and yl∣fauor'd glasse: euen for being such, it is meet thou lie in such an obscure place as this.

An old man viewing himselfe in a looking-glasse all wrin∣kled and hoarie, his eies deep sunke into his head, & his cheeks also for want of teeth, said: Lord, to see the differēce of looking glasses: I remēber when I was a yoong man, I took pleasure to view my self in a glasse, so wel mettled were they in those daies

An old Noble-man lay in the same chamber in a seueral bed from his Lady, and rising one night to put himself vnto her, he chanced to stumble his nose against the bed-sted: wherwith she awaking, and saying: Who is there? he answered: Somewhat it was (Ladie) was comming towards you, but now it is downe againe.

A verie olde Gentleman making loue to a gallant yoong Dame: shee said vnto him: What meane you (sir) to talke to me of such matter at Complyne time?

A yoong Gentlewoman had bestowed her selfe vpon an olde Knight whose name was Steuen Templer: wherupon one

merrily said, that she had buried her selfe quick in the Tomb of an old Knight of the Temple.

An olde Gentlemans yoong corriuall in loue meeting him in a morning said vnto him: Olde sir, sweet Loue beseemes not your yeeres: hee answered: If you meane it by mee, knowe ye that in my country a man of fiftie years is accompted yoonger then an Asse of 15.

OF GARRVLITY.

A Talkatiue Gentlewoman had lost most ofher teeth, and asking a Physition the cause of it, shee being both yoong and healthy, he answered: Your tongue beates too much against your teeth.

One that had a long skarre in his face, and was exceeding talkatiue, a friend of his said vnto him: Hauing the Reanes in your cheeke, mee thinkes you should haue the bridle in your mouth.

Vpon a passing talkatiue Gentlewomans tomb this Epitaph was engrauen.

Heer l••es interr'd a most renowned Dame, Whose lips no closure euer misbecame: But as shee liu'd, and neuer linn'd to talke, So now in death shee leaues each tongue to walke In daylie tittle tattle of such her fault.

Sir Thomas Moore hearing one tell a monstrous lie, sayd: I would not for any good heare him say his Creed, least it should seeme a lie.

OF DREAMES.

A Iester begg'd a garment of Don Alonso de Aguilar, and sayd Sir, I dream'd this last night that you gaue me that ga••ment vpon your backe, how like you my dream? he answered: Auaunt (drunken knaue) beleeue no dreames.

Iohn a Nokes had a chamber in Paules Church-yard in Lon∣don, & being one night a sleep, he dream'd that an Angel came to him, and told him that Doomsday was at hand: and therfore will'd him in any case to haue a great care of his soule, and to doe all maner of good deeds in the meane time; affirming, that when hee should heare the Trumpet sound, hee was then foorthwith to repaire to the vale of Iosaphat to judgement. Af∣ter this, as he dream'd that he was a doing all good deeds, giuing his Almes to this poore man and to that, & performing a great deale of Penance, in th'end he dream'd that he heard the trum∣pet sound: and with that vp he started from out his bed, and run¦ning ouer-hastilie to the vale, his nose being foremost, chaun∣ced against a poste, the which all to disfigur'd it: Such was his judgment.

One said to an other: I dream'd this other night that you kist my Labell: Th'other answered: Dreames goe by contraries: and therefore (belike) you must kisse mine.

OF SICKNES.

A Delicate Gent. finding himselfe somewhat distempered, sent his water to a Physition, who seeing it to bee verie good, and arguing perfect health, came anon after to vi∣site the Gent. and ask'd him how he did: hee answered: Sicke: How feele you your stomacke? Well: How sleepe you? Well: Is it euen so? (then said the Doctor) Are you sicke with eating well and sleeping well? I'le giue you somewhat shall soone re∣medy all that.

One asking a Physition whether such a one were not dan∣gerous-sicke: he answered: No, not dangerous, but in danger.

A whole-man ask'd a sick-man in his fit, how hee did: hee answered: In respect of God, euen as you doe.

A rich Farmer bestow'd his daughter vpon an old, poore, and sickly Gent. and comming on a time to visit him sick a bed,

he met his daughter at the chamber doore, and asking her how her husband did, she answered: Do as he do may for me (father:) You (for your part) to endow me with his blood, haue vndon my flesh.

A Gent. being extream sick, his kinsmen will'd him in any case to send for a Physition: he answered: No (I pray,) let me dy at leisure.

A man of worship was so sore diseas'd of the Gout that hee was faine to be caried vp & down in a chair, but at last through continuall hot bathes he recouered, and became a sound man a∣gain: & walking one day abroad lusty & in good helth, a Iester saw him, & cri'd out aloud: Chaines, chaines, no more chaires.

A sick Gent. was forbidden to drink wine, & being extream hot and thirstie, he besought the Physitions to permit him one draught and no more: They through his much importunitie condiscended (condition) he to drinke a draught of water pre∣sently after: So, off he drunk the wine: and then being afterward offered the water: he refus'd it, saying: Now am I not a thirst.

A Gent. being sicke of the dropsie, call'd for a draught of water: and his Physition will'd him in any case to forbear, affir∣ming that he could not liue aboue two houres at the most: Oh (answered the Gent.) then wil I diue those two houres in water.

A Gentlewoman hauing surfetted of green fruit, the Phy∣sition gaue her a vomit: and she in vomitting, cast vp also all the good meat she had eaten; which shee espying, sayd: Now is vertue punished with vice.

A sick old woman asking her Physition how hee thought she should die, he answered: Euen as a leafe that can no longer bide vpon the tree: She reply'd: What; like an Orange leafe (I pray?)

OF LITTLENES. This Chapter is misplaced with some of Talnesse from fol. 192.

A Channon of Toledo, who was a man of a very lowe and slender stature, scoffingly ask'd a poore Frier that had but one eie, what he vs'd to pray for at Gods hand, a••fir∣ming that it were rightnecessarie he pray'd vnto him for ano∣ther eye: Indeed sir (answered the Frier) I had need haue two eyes to discerne so pettie a goe by ground as you.

A little pretie souldiour dismounted his foe-man, and said: Now yeeld or die: Th'other looked round about him, and an∣swered: I see not to whome.

A Iew sayd vnto a pettie Spaniard his familiar: In sooth you seem a little S. Iames. The Spaniard answered: Wert thou a Moore as thou art a Iew (by his woundes) I would cut of thy head for so saying.

One being ask'd why hee married so little a wife, he answe∣red: Of euils, the least is best.

A little personage being to haue a case of debt adjudg'd a∣gainst him, said vnto the plaintiffe at the barre: If you haue any such band of mine, let's heare how it goes: Then the band was read openlie in Court, and being to this effect, that hee bound himself both bodie & goods for the repay therof: he then sayd vnto the Judge: Your Honor sees that body I haue litle or none & as for my goods, let him take all he finds (a Gods name.)

A Gent. seeing an vnlawfull tall Gentlewoman passe along the street, ask'd her hindmost man her name: Who answered: maistresse Hoap: The Gent. reply'd: Ouer-large to be so called.

Of one that was a verie tall and a big man an other said, he was good to make a Porter, because if he should chance to find the doore shut belowe, hee might discharge his packe in at the garret window.

One seeing a tall Lunges and a litle man together, said, that

it was like Paules steeple ouer S. Faithes Church.

A tall personable man offered to accompany a dwarfe in the street, saying, that the people would the lesse gaze and woonder at his miserable littlenesse: The Dwarfe answered: Rather will they woonder at my follie, to see me lead an Asse along by me, and not ride.

OF DEATH.

ONe said to an other who had a very narrow mouth: Que∣stionles, whē you die, your soul wil fly out at your breech. A Gent. being ferried ouer a riuer by a couple of boyes, the boat leaked, and was in danger of drowning: The Gent. then seeing the daunger said vnto them: Good boyes, as ye are men row boyes.

It is an ancient custome in Spaine in fauour of life, that anie lewd woman whatsoeuer, being knowne for such, and beeing neither widow nor maide, may saue anie Batcheler from the Gallowes, offering to marrie him. It chanced that a yoong Gent▪ who had been prisoner vpon suspition of fellonie, was acquitted by the Iurie: And passing that euening vnder a Gentlewomans window, who was a loose maid of life: shee said vnto him: Lord (maister N.) it is a joy to see you at liberty: how (a Gods name) haue you escap'd the gallowes to day? He looking vp vnto her, answered: I needed not feare hanging, so long as you are aliue.

A Gent. lying very sick a bed, heard a passing bell ring out, and said vnto his Physition: Tell mee (maister Doctor) is yon∣der musicke for my dauncing?

An old Gent. in his death-bed, ouerheard his wife praying at his beds feet, thus: Lord, I beseech thee, reuoke this doome of death from my deare husband, & let it light vpon me: Wher∣unto hee answered: Gramercie (good wife) I for my part am content, if God bee agreed.

A Gent. lying sicke at a Manour-house of his call'd Ponde, would needs be remooued thence to another house which he had a foure or fiue miles off, and being ask'd why he so desir'd change: he answered: Because I list not die like a fish in a Pond.

A Spanish Earle was a great swearer, and hunting one day in a Forrest, and hauing lost his companie, ranging vp and downe in the darke, chaunced to fall horse and man into a ve∣rie deep Mine-pit, where hee remained all that night, not for∣getting in the meane time to bethink himselfe of a manie good thoughtes, and namely, among the rest he was right penitent of his sinne in swearing, vowing, that if it pleas'd God to deli∣uer him out of that pickle, hee would neuer whiles hee liu'd sweare more. By chaunce his Spaniell being with him when hee fell, was so kind as he would not depart from the place, but there remained bawling and howling all the while, till at laste certaine passengers traueilling that way the next morning, and ouer-hearing the Dogs pitteous clamour, made to the place, and there looking downe into the pit, espy'd the Earle: and then with such tackles as they had about them drew him vp, and set him on firme ground. Then hee looking downe in∣to the hole to see how deeplie he had fallen, and seeing it ve∣rie deepe, rapt out a legion of huge oathes, saying: Gogges nownes and his passion, is this a fit place for a Noble-man to fall into.

A Gent. lying a dying, an olde woman came to visite him, and asking him before a great manie there present, whether he knew her or no: hee answered: Yes full well: an errand Baude thou art (so God shall helpe mee.) Then shee telling him that that was no meet time to slaunder his poor neighbour: hee re∣ply'd: Yes, it is best telling a truth in the houre of death.

A Doctor being drawne along on a hurdle to execution, casting vp his eyes, and espying a multitude of people about him, sayd: Deus bone, quot Corui circae vnum Cadauer!

A rich Churle and a begger were buried at one time in the

same Church-yard, and the belles rung out amaine for the mi∣ser: Now, the Wisacre his sonne and Executor, to the ende the worlde might not thinke that all that ringing was for the begger, but for his father, hyr'd a Trumpetter to stand all the ringing-while in the Belfrie, and betweene euerie peale to sound his Trumpet, and proclaime aloud, and say: Sirres, this next peale is not for R. but for maister N. his father.

One telling a vertuous Gentlewoman that her picture was broken; shee answered: Then is it but the shaddow of a shadow gone.

FINIS.