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A Fellowe passing through S. Pauls Church-yard, & seeing so many great free stones lie there ready squar'd out, said to one that was vvith him, I vvould I had these stones at home in my yard; vvhy, what would you doe with them, said the other? Marry said he, I would
build me a brick wall with them round about my house.
One being demanded the definition of a Bull, hee answe∣red that a Bull was an Oxe with two stones.
A great traveller swore that in the deserts of Arabia he had seene a Unicorne with two hornes.
One being at the fall of a very fat gelt Deere, was asked by one (who was no hunts∣man,
and desired to be enfor∣med) how he cal'd that Deere; to whom hee answer'd that it was a barren Buck.
One whose usual protestation was wont to be as I live, being asked how hee did, answered, dead as I live.
A Preacher at a funerall Ser∣mon lamenting the shortnesse of mans life, told the people that there were many beasts outlived a man, for example, the Raven, the Hart, and the Oake, dearly Beloved.
A Scholler complaining to his Governour, that one of his fel∣lows had vvrōg'd him, & being demanded vvherein; if it please your vvorship said he, I had no sooner turned my back, but he abused me to my face.
A fellow at dinner deman∣ded of one at the Table, vvhat part of the Bullock a Clod of Beefe vvas, the other laughing at his ignorance, told him it vvas the shoulder-bone of the flanke.
One seeing a Peare-tree ve∣ry
full, vvondered vvhat the owner could doe vvith all those Peares; vvhy said another to him, he sels them to the Bakers to make penny apple pies of them.
A fellow that vvas robb'd, said the theeves had stollen all his linnen except onely one brasse pot.
One speaking at a feast of the bravery of the great Turke then reigning: another stan∣ding by desired to know what was the great Turkes christen name.
Two passing the street in a serious discourse, a dumbe man begg'd of them after his mute manner; Sirra said one of them to the dumbe man, can not men passe the streets about their bu∣sinesse, but you must thus di∣sturbe their conference, Get you gone, or ile set you pac∣king, and with that lifted up his foot to kick him; O fie, said his companion, will you kick a dumbe man? Is hee dumbe, re∣pli'd he, why did he not tell me so then?
Many dining together at an Ordinary, after dinner was
done, one ask't another if he would play a rubber or two at Bowles, (marry will I) quoth he, if you wil play a peece Rub∣bers; No, answered the other, I never play above two shil∣lings, before (repli'd he) I will play for two shillings, I will sit downe and walke horses.
Discourse arising at the ta∣ble, of those creatures to which Nature had allotted the longest life, one pleaded for the longe∣vitie of one creature, another of another; and one amongst the rest swore hee knew that of all things in the world an Eele lived longest after it was dead.
One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court, the Ferry-mans wife at that time row'd the Boat; vvhereat hee vvonde∣ring, said to his companion, Lord blesse us, I never in my life saw a vvoman a ferry-man before.
One cōming before a Judge to be tri'd for his life, and being found guilty pleaded hard for himselfe; but his fact being no∣torious he could by no meanes obtaine any favour; whereupon he burst out into immoderate vveeping, and vvith bended
knees, and hands lift up be∣sought the Judge that he would grāt him life for his wives sake, and his fatherlesse children.
One relating to certaine friends of his vvhere hee had supt the night before, and how hard he & the company dranke; said, I never tippl'd so hard in my life, and a great vvhile I bore my drinke well, but at the length finding I was so fox'd that I could not stand▪ I tooke my cloake, & ran home as hard as I could drive.
One telling another how
healthfull a thing it was to live in a good aire, and on the con∣trary, how unwholesome to live in a bad, The other thus repli'd, vvhat you say I know to be true; for I my selfe dwelt in the Fenny Countrey; vvhere if I had liv'd till this time I had beene dead seaven yeeres agoe.
One discoursing of the suc∣cession of Popes, what brave worthy men some of them had beene, and what villains others had prov'd themselves: but for the Pope then living, how good, and wise a man he was; a subtle stander by put this question, I pray you my Ma∣sters, (quoth hee,) if this
Pope die without a sonne, who shall be Pope next?
Many sitting together at din∣ner, one of them complain'd of the scarcitie of money; how that heretofore hee could have taken up an hundred pounds upon his bare word; that now if he were to be hang'd he knew not where to borrow five pounds; one of the company said hee thanked God that for his part he need not complaine; for quoth he, I have of late met with an honest Scrivener that will lend me at any time twen∣ty pounds upon my own Bond without Scrip or Scrowle.
One comming into an Inne, and espying a handsome Ho∣stesse, fell into discourse with her; and amongst other que∣stions ask't her how long shee had liv'd there, to whom shee answered, but three dayes; I pray you, said hee, at the next word, How many Barrels of Beere doe you draw a weeke?
Divers swimming together in the Thames, at length all went out save one, who stai'd very long after the rest; where∣npon one of his fellowes cal'd to him to make hast out, in that
it was late, I pray thee, said he, stay but a litle, I will but un∣trusse a point in the vvater, and come presently.
Two playing together for a Peece, he that won finding the others Peece to bee so wash't that the image was almost quite defaced, refused to take it; whereupon the other referr'd it to the judgement of the stan∣ders by, whether it were good, I or no, The rest refusing to judge it, as not knowing what it was, by reason it was so de∣fective; one undertook to judg it, and swore he knew it to be an Elizabeth Jacobus.
A horseman passing a Ferry, and having an unruly Jade, said to the Ferry-man; honest friēd, I have a skewing horse, where∣fore I pray thee tie him to the water.
One being at Bowles in the afternoone upon a Sun-shine day, and bowling very ill, swore in excuse of himselfe, that the light of the Sunnes shade did so dazle his eyes that he could not see the Mistresse.
One in a great assembly prai∣sing
the situation of London, said it was defended from the rage of the North by hils, that to the South it had a pleasant river, that to the East & West it had beautifull plains: to which another repli'd, that indeed no exception lay against it but one; for said he, if it stood in the Countrey it were the finest Citie in Christendome.
A Citizen and a Gentleman made a match to runne their Grayhounds at a Hare for a wa∣ger, and when they came into the field, the Citizens Dogge beat the other; whereat hee much rejoycing said to the Gentleman, How doe you like the running of my Dogge, to
which the Gentleman answe∣red very wel, but withall quoth he to the Citizen, did you ever see a better Hare run; faith said the Citizen, I must confesse she ran well for a countrey Hare.
A Lord walking in a Church where all his ancestors were buried, an old servant of his then present said, O my Lord, what worthy men these were, I sweare if I live I will be buri∣ed close by them.
Two plai'd a game at Nod∣dy for halfe a Crowne, and hee that won finding the other had
stak'd but two shillings, told him hee had stak'd short, to which the other repli'd, I find where your mistake lieth, for you perceive not that one of the testers I staked is a shilling.
Two playing at Tick-tack for money, hee that lost desired they might play a while for no∣thing, to which the other assen∣ting; he that before had lost so many games, now won more; vvhereupon hee said to the o∣ther, when wee play for money you alwayes beat mee, but if youle play for nothing, ile play with you for a hundred pounds.
Two walking together in a Cloister, and vaunting of their swift running, one of them said to the other, doe you run this way, and ile run that; and ile hold you ten pounds ile meet you before you meet me.
A Gentleman being drown'd in Oxford, his Tutor sent a mes∣sēger for his Father (who dwelt a hundred miles off) to come to the funerall of his only Son. The messenger ariving at his Fathers house, found that hee was dead also; whereupon hee returned in all hast back, and
when he came to Oxford, said to the Tutor; Sir, the Son may now, if he will go, to his fathers Funerall; for he is dead also.
A singing man who alwaies bore the base, being merry on a time with the rest of the quire made this Challenge. Wee are sixe Bases onely in this Quire, and we sixe will play at any ex∣ercise with any other sixe that sing the same part in the same Quire for ten pounds of my purse.
One relating to another the death of one whom hee loved most dearely, hee thus in a ve∣ry great passion answered, It
cannot be that hee is dead; for had hee beene dead, I know he would have sent me word.
A purblind fellow in a misty day passing Pauls chaine ran a∣gainst one of the posts, and ta∣king it for a man said, I cry you merry Sir, and presently run∣ning against the other, said, I cry you mercy againe Sir, tru∣ly I thinke you and I shall meet in Heaven.
A Captaine in thr Low-Coun∣treys being in the company of one, who was a very goodly and a properman demanded his
name, and learning that he was named Bird; hee said, this is not that Bird vvhom Taverner kil'd, is it?
A Merchant hearing on the Exchange that Marshall Byron was beheaded for Treason in France asked the relator if hee lost his head before his death, or after.
A Doctor & Captaine Norris walked from Londō to Green∣witch, Where when they ariv'd the Doctor being weary, sayd, I had not thought it had beene so farre from Londō to Green∣witch
as it is, why (said Captain Noris seriously, and bound it with a great oath) no more it is not.
One having dined in an Or∣dinary, seeking round about for his Cloake at length found a Gamster sitting upon it, where∣at hee being much offended, said, What Sir, doe you make a Canopy of my Cloake; I pray you Sir, sit up, and give it me.
One relating to others a mis∣chance had befallen him; said as hee rode over a Bridge his horse skew'd, and fell with him
off from the Bridge, and that by some neare at hand hee was ta∣taken up as dead as any man li∣ving.
One passing by a Polterers shop, and seeing an exceeding fat Swan lying on the stall, said to his companion, I would that Swan were mine, why said the other, what would you doe vvith it if it vvere, Marry, re∣pli'd hee, I would make me a Goose Pie of it.
One comming by chance in∣to a very merry company, said, Gentlemen I thinke you are merry in sober sadnesse.
One asked another what a clock it was, to vvhom hee an∣swered, It is past twelve ve∣ry neare.
One reporting that ••elton had kil'd the Duke, another standing by said, There vvas never such a cruell blow given, for he cut two of his ribs, and his Magna Charta quite in two, He would have said, Ʋe∣na Cava.
One reporting what a huge great storme rose the night be∣fore,
said, it shooke the vvhole house as I would shake this pillar.
A hireling Player demanded an augmentation of his meanes from the Company, and recei∣ved a deniall; whereat being much offended he said, I pro∣test if you mend not my wages you shal see me in Ireland with∣in these two dayes.
A Player being asked how hee got his living all the sick∣nesse time, answered, I taught 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Dancing Schoole.
One said to another, I far'd bravely the last night; for I bought a breast of Mutton, and carri'd it home to my wife, and rosted her to my Supper.
Two Serving-men failling out about the dignitie of their Masters, one told the other his Master was a Knight; O but, replied the other, my Master is a Knight and a halfe, for he's a Barronet.
A Gentleman having a faire▪
but an old house, one perswa∣ded him to pull it downe, and build it up againe, to whom he said; vvhat my Masters, vvill you perswade me to pull down a house that hath stood in my great Grandfathers time, and in my Grandfathers; nay, and (as I take it) in my Fathers?
A knavish fellow who had a naturall foole to his Master, and of great ranke, apparell'd himselfe in all things like a Spaniard, and came to him and presented him with the King of Spaines commends. Whereat his Master being right joyfull askt him how the King of Spaine did, and how long it
was since his arrivall, to which he answered a moneth; what, said his Master, and can you speake no English yet? no in∣deed, repli'd the other; where∣as indeed they had spoken En∣glish all the while.
A foolish fellow making lamentable faces as if hee were in great paine, one askt him what he ail'd; O, answered he, I have such a paine in my thigh, that I cannot lift my hand to my head.
A blind Minister comming to speake with a Gentleman,
his man came and told him, that the old blind Minister was come to see him.
Two fellowes bragging what houses their Masters kept that Christmas, one of them said, my Master kil's every day an Ox; Tush, said the other, my Master kil's every day an Ox and a halfe.
One brought a Butcher be∣fore a Justice, and accused him for killing a Cow that died of her selfe, and selling her flesh in the Market.
A Gentleman sent his man out of England into the Low-Countreys, and charg'd him to make all possible hast back. The servant making a very slow re∣turne, his Master rebuked him, and ask't him the cause of his so long stay; to which hee answered that hee vvas kept at Sea a long time by a contra∣ry vvind: Why, vvhere vvas the vvind said his Master; Mar∣ry repli'd he, by North, and by South. Indeed answered his Ma∣ster that vvas a very contrary vvind.
One reporting not vvithout
indignation an affront hee had receved that day from a very Goose, another in his company said; O, I know vvhat Goose yon meane, in my conscience you meane a Goose vvith two legs.
A Citizens vvife being in the Countrey, and seeing a Goose that had many Gos∣lings; how is it possible, said she, that one Goose should suc∣kle so many Goslings.
One accused another before a Justice for stealing Peares off from his Plum-tree.
A foolish Gentleman using alwayes to wipe his britch with the letters he received, having list to goe to the retrait called to his man for a letter; who re∣pli'd that hee had none left, Then said he, take pen & inke quickly and make me one.
A fellow having a great kibe on his heele, swore it was as big ••s an ulcer, & as sore as a walnut.
One who had beene in the Indies swore hee had seene an entire Christall rock of pure Diamond.
Amongst the Quaere's sent to the Prince De La'moar one is, vvhether or no the Queene of Sheba; vvere she now living, vvould goe as farre to heare his Highnesse say nothing, as to heare Salomon speake wisely?
A fellow in way of derision said of another that hee looked
like King John amongst tho A∣postles.
One askt another whether, or no hee had ever read Venus and Diogenes.
Another askt his compani∣on whether, or no he had ever read Nero, and Leander.
One falling from his horse, and pitching on his head ran a∣mongst a great assembly of his acquaintance, and swore his neck was broken.
One espying a very fine Bitch, enquired of the standers by whose Dog that Bitch was.
One saying that hee was ta∣king a journey to Oxford, a friend of his demanded whe∣ther he rid or no, to whom hee repli'd that hee went a foot in a Waggon.
Discourse arising at Table of the miseries of this world, one amongst the rest said, I have so many 〈…〉〈…〉 that I would 〈…〉〈…〉 of this life, or out 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 world 〈…〉〈…〉 whether.
One speaking very loud to another without being heard, swore the fellow was dumbe he could not heare.
One telling his companions the danger a sonne of his esca∣ped that day, made the relation of the hazard. My boy, said he, being but three yeeres old, and playing in the street fell down, and was not able to rise; A Sca∣vinger p••••••••ng that way wi••h his Cart, and not seeing the Child, drave directly upon him, and the first Horse of the 〈…〉〈…〉 his
feet, without touching him, and so did the second; but the third had his foot up just over his head in all likelihood ready to dash out his braines, but the tender beast (as if a man had said to him, Horse hold thy hand) held his foot a long time up, in so much one who passed by, and seeing the danger the Child was in, took him up, & brought him home.
A Player having in his part, All honour to this high imperiall presence, said thus, All honour to this high infernall presence.
One bra••••ging what 〈◊〉〈◊〉
sute he had, and another stan∣ding by, askt him where it was, he answered, In my head.
One threatning another ab∣sent, meaning to say that where ere hee met him hee would kill him, though hee found him pissing against a wall, swore ha∣stily that where ere hee met him, he would run him through a wall pissing.
One calling another sonne of a whore, a stander by rebukt him for so saying; for said hee, you know his mother to bee an honest woman. It is true, re∣pli'd
the other, I know his mo∣ther to bee an honest woman, but he is the sonne of a whore.
One manning his Dogge at the Beare-garden, and falling into a quarrell with the Butch∣ers, had his head broken in divers places, and comming home, pray'd his wife to looke carefully to him; for said he, I have twenty broken heads.
One putting this qnestion to another, when shall we have a merry night? Marry, repli'd the other, of all the nights in the yeere, let it be on May day in the morning.
One praising much the Lord Major of that yeere present, another standing by swore hee had seene a thousand better.
A Butcher swore that his Dog fought with a Beare single foure houres to one.
One praying another to lend him a groat, he answer'd, he had but one about him, and that was a single three-pence.
One swore hee should never abide the Mooue more; for, said he, she serv'd mee the most fluttish trick the other night; for she shone out till I came to a Ditch, & then she slipt behind a cloude, and let me fall in.
A fellow having a very neat beard, would needs have it cut off; for, said hee, it is nothing but haire.
One being askt if hee knew such a man, yes, repli'd hee,
I know him by sight, though I never yet saw him.
One disclaiming anothers ac∣qaintaince, swore he knew him no more then a begger doe's his dish.
One being in the water pray∣ed another to come in also, to which he said, I protest I can swimme no more then a dogge, and being entreated the second time, he said, I vow I can swim no more then a post, and being more earnestly the third time, will'd to come in, he vehe∣mently swore he could swimme no more then a Goose.
One asking another in a Moone-shine night what a clock it was, hee repli'd, I have a Sunne-diall in my pocket will informe you presently.
One in a great kindnesse told another hee did indite him to break his fast with him at sup∣per.
A Case being argued before a Judge, a Lawyer with great earnestnes affirmed that his Cli∣ents right was as clear as a Can∣dle by day-light.
A Gentleman making a mo∣tion to his companion to ride to a friends house three or foure miles off, the other said, it is too farre to goe to night, weele rise early in the mor∣ning, and not goe at all.
Two laid a wager how farre it was to such a place, the one said it was ten miles distant, the other that it was above; for I am sure, said he, it was ten miles twenty yeeres agoe, and no doubt but miles, as all other things, have their encrease.
One swore to another that hee lodg'd not long agoe in a chamber, where hee was so stung with Gnats that he could not rest, but was faine to lie standing all night, and that he made his man rise to put out the candle, to the end they might not see to bite him.
One complaining of the fol∣ly of the age, swore men were farre wiser in the future times then now.
One speaking of a strange
Bird called a Phenicopter, ano∣ther standing by, said hee had read all the Treatises of foure-footed beasts, yet never read of such a Bird.
In the great roome one paire of staires high, at the St. Iohns head within Ludgate in a pain∣ted cloth is the picture of Ja∣cobs Ladder, and the Angels on it passing up and downe, and underneath is written; Here are Jacobs Angels ascending, and descending up to Heaven.
One being pray'd to s••t down to dinner said, I thanke you for
your kind invitation, but I can eat nothing; for I have had a long time no more stomack then a horse.
One earnestly desired mee, to tell him whether Shrove∣tuesday fell out this yeere, on the Saterday or no, and how many there was in the yeere.
Another asked one what Sir Timothy Thornhil; his Christian name was; another answered he had almost forgot, but cer∣taine hee was twas, George or Thoma••.
A Gentleman comming to the chamber of an associate of his; where finding him in bed (sleeping,) he waked him, say∣ing, rise sluggard, doe you not remember where wee promi∣sed to walke this morning; pray pardon me, quoth the other, I cannot goe with you, you must needes excuse mee, I came late home last night; late home, quoth the other, prethee how late was't, why 'twas five a clock in the morning quoth the o∣ther.
An other was saying all kind of Fowle were two leg'd, to
whom another standing by re∣pli'd I, but a Pig hath foure.
A fellow looking in a Lattin Booke, was ask'd by a friend (that overlook'd him) whether he could read it or no, to whom he repli'd, yes indifferently, but 'tis the brokenst English that ere I saw.
One comming to a Gentle∣man Prisoner in the Castle, in Oxford; he began to him in this complement, how doe you Sir, are you within, I rejoyce to set you; I am in some hast, but pray stay here sir till I come
againe, and ile beare you com∣pany an houre or two.
A fellow hearing one cry Sandwitch Carrets, ran to him and desired to see them; which being shewed to him, you chea∣ting rougue (quoth he) are these Sandwich Carrets, I indeed are they Sandwich Carrets (said the other) to whom he repli'd they may bee Sandwich Carrets, but they were sowne and reapt in London.
A fellow bragging of his knowledge in Musick, swore he would play exempore with
all the Musitians in London and Christendome.
A fellow having a broken groat in his pocket, comming to a Goldsmiths shop in Cheap∣side desired the prentice no give him a little peece of silver as bigg as an hazell Nut to zo∣der it againe; when you come into our countrey ile give you a peece of lead shall bee twice as bigge.
A couple of shopkeepers in the Exchāge, seeing Lords, Knights and Gentlem•••• (which they knew) 〈…〉〈…〉 into dispu∣tation
which was the handso∣mest Gentleman in that com∣pany (quoth the one) me thinks that's the handsomest Gentle∣man (pointing to a Lord) which caused the other to laugh at him; why laugh you quoth the other; why (repli'd he) hee is a Lord, I said the handsomest Gentleman.
Two Gentlemē walking in a Medow, one shewing the other a fat Bull grazing there, said to the other, will not that Bull have a brave paire of Cow heeles when he is kil'd.
A fellow having received
some abuse from his compani∣on, swore next time hee met him he would make him eat his Dagger to a Sword.
A fellow feeing his friend playing with his wife, swore they shewed like the two Ger∣mains.
A friend of mine ask'd mee once in what place of England▪ Ireland stood, and was answer'd by another, in Wales.
One told mee, reading the workes of a Philosopher: Ei∣ther
Publius Ʋirgilius, or Maro found such a Problem as hee would not now be ignorant of for an hundred peeces.
A fellow speaking in praise of his Painter, said he drew his wives picture so lively, hee did not leave undone so much as an Eye or an Nose.
A man reproving his neigh∣bour with the ungraciousnesse of his children, swore he would bring up his child to the gal∣lowes, ere hee would suffer him to be a thiefe.
A Gentleman hearing his friend speake a piece of non∣sence, admired him, saying, was ever Calfe brought to bed of a Bull before?
One jeerd a young Saylor, and said that he was but a fresh water Sea-man.
A Vintner shewing his Sel∣lar to a Gentleman, said (looke you) all these emptie vessels are full of Wine, and yet I cannot please my guests.
King James lying sicke, one prayed in publicke that hee might raigne as long as the Sun and Moone should endure, and the Prince his Sonne after him.
One being sicke of a Con∣sumptiō, being ask'd by a friend how he did, answered, I thanke God I am heart whole, but I am troubled a little with a Hectick Fever. [A Hectick Fever is either in the Spirits, or substance of the heart.]
A subtle Disputant said
sense was divided into two parts, sense, and non-sense.
A formall grave fellow said he vvas of opinion that Melan∣choly was nothing else but a kind of sadnesse.
An Engeneere threatned to blow up a Citie gates with a Petar of inundation.
One having lost his hat, said I am so forgetfull that in my conscience I should loose my britch, did I carry it about me.
One said to a Widow, that hee could find in his heart to marry a woman were shee nei∣ther beautifull nor rich; so she were wealthy.
A Sea-man describing the manner of his Captaines going aboord, said; No sooner had my Captaine set one foot a∣boord the shore, the other in the shippe.
One newly married being discover'd by another to walke
discontented, said, This fellow now hee is married walkes up and downe like an Image.
One seeing another offer in way of jest to strike at him with a Clubbe, said, take heed lest you hurt mee, tis ill jesting with edge tooles.
A foolish fellow was angry with his wife for bringing home a shoulder of Mutton without the Rumpe.
One being upon Dover Ca∣stle,
said hee, could discover in Calis by his prospective the signe of Saint Denis of England, and Saint George of France.
A Gentleman said, I stay'd but a litle while by a fish-pond, and leape sayes one fish, leape sayes another.
Two comming through a field where formes of men are cut in Ewe, the one demanded what such an Image was; why, quoth the other it is Cain, & the other demanding why Abel was not there also: marry, repli'd his companion, because he kil'd his brother.
One who dwelt in Kingstone was asked what good compa∣nions lived there; faith answe∣red he, except I. P. there is not one worth the hanging, as though hee had spoken much in his cōmendations. I. P. mee∣ting him, said, I thanke you sir that you hold me worth the hanging; No, repli'd the other, J meant there was no man in the Towne that deserv'd but you, I, That deserved hanging, answer'd the other, that is worse then the former.
One said he rod his horse till he had never a dry thred.
A certaine fellow that had a great head like a thick rind O∣range, but no juce of wit in it, was reprehended because hee spake non-sense: well said hee, it is not for want of igno∣rance that I speake non-sense.
A blind man was taking To∣bacco, but could not find the candle to light it; whereupon sayes he, pray neighbor put out the candle that I may see how to light my Tobacco.
An old woman that made water often in the night, ha∣ving fil'd the chamber-pot, so that it ranne over; O husband sayes she, the chamber-pot hath a hole in't, fetch the cullender.
A Countrey fellow being askt how old his horse was, why sayes he. He's but a yong horse considering his age.
A Seaman that was to bee hir'd, being askt what he could doe. Sir sayes hee, I doe not
love idlenesse, but whither I doe any thing or not, I love to be working.
A Traveller on the way askt one how farre it was to the next Towne. It is foure miles sayes he straight forward, but the nearest way is to goe about by the Mill, for that will bring you cleane out of your way.
A maid being askt how long shee had kept her maidenhead, why sayes shee? ever since my sister was married, and yet I scorne but to be as good a maid as she, though shee bee married before me.
A Countrey fellow being demanded, if hee thought one were an honest man. He's an honest man sayes hee, and no knave, I knew him to be one.
One askt one how he lik'd a cup of Wine which they were tasting. Marry sayes he I never tasted Wine that lik'd mee so well, but I have dranke better in France.
An old man was commen∣ding the dayes of old; wel sayes
he, there was more mirth one Holliday, then there is now in a hundred.
An old man being desired to come to banquet: Alas sayes he, I have no teeth to eat sweet meats, if it were a hard crust I could eat it.
One being advised to goe to Sea, because he was in debt: no sayes hee, I had rather goe by land all over the world, for a man need not feare drowning by land.
One askt what his Hat cost: why sayes hee, it cost mee ten shillings, for tis made of as good blew wooll, as the white sheepe can beare.
One desiring a neighbour of his to lend him a porridg-pot: faith neighbor sayes he I would not have my pot worne out; if you will make porridge without boyling, you shall have it.
One being to eat a kind of meat called a Mllian: pray
sayes he to another, do you tast them, for if they poyson an ho∣nest man, I shall never feare them.
A Gentlewomā being at table, and mincing demurely: well sayes one, this Gentlewoman has no skill to her dinner, yet me thinkes shee might fall too, and dine whē she comes home.
One being to set a Hen upon Egges: well sayes she, if my do∣zen of Egges would bring mee fourteene Chikins I would not care.
One complained that his tongs and shovell were worne out: whereupon sayes hee I will goe and buy a woodden paire of tongs, for they will serve in the Summer time to stirre up the fire when there's none in the Chimney.
A Maide that had a great deale of beauty but little wit, stood looking in her glasse, at last she set the glasse before her a pretty distance of, so that the reflection of something was seene in the glasse; whereupon shee said: well, tis no matter,
though the shadow bee rye∣mouth'd, the substance is as right as my leg.
One having an extreame cough: well sayes he, one cough is very troublesome, what shold a man doe if hee had one and twenty.
One that needs would have his cloathes made in the fashi∣on, said thus to his Taylor; prethee sayes hee make my cloathes according to the old garbe of Sir John Oldcastle, for I love to be in the newest fa∣shion.
An old woman had scratcht her breech till it bled; where∣upon shee said: well plainly I see that by scratching and scraping a body gets somewhat.
One having a tooth to draw, and being very fearefull to en∣dure the paine: prethee sayes he pluck it out gently, and then I care not if my tooth be drawn and hang'd in a Lute-string.
One that went often to the house of Office said, that his maid Joan had not scowr'd his vessell, & that was the reason he was troubled with a scowring.
A woman that had a drun∣kard to her husband: well sayes shee I care not if my husband wonld bee drunke every day, so he would not spend his mo∣ney in drunknesse.
A young man being fallen deepely in love said: I won∣der why I should stumble or fall in love, for I never went a wooing but in the day time.
One hearing a maid sing ve∣ry sweetly, said: this maid has
hath a sweet breast, I warrant shee weares muske in her bo∣some.
One being to ride over a great water: O sayes he if there were a bridge over it, I would ride over the vvater if it vvere never so deepe.
One having a creek or paine in his back: wel sayes he, a paine that takes one before in his back is worse then that vvhich takes one behind.
A young fellow being to sa∣lute
a Gentlewoman that had a mufler before her lippes: vvell sayes he, it's honour enough for me to salute the clout; it may be the Gentlewomans lippes are sweetest when they are strain'd.
A young wench going to market, being askt by a neigh∣bour how all did at home: why sayes he, my father, and mother, and rest of our folkes have bin visited with sicknesse, but all the houshold is vvell in generall.
One being to tell a tale to make the rest merry, sayes hee I vvould tell you a tale, but to
conclude in few vvords, I can remember nere a vvord on't.
One travelling on the vvay saw a faire maid making vvater under a hedge side: fie sayes he, shee might have had more mo∣desty, and made vvater on the top of the hedge, for then shee could not have beene seene.
One having a trunke that could not hold his cloaths: well sayes he, the Taylor hath made my cloaths too little, I wonder why they should be too big for my Trunke.
One having rid a horse, and alighting againe said, this horse for a trotting ambler goes the easiest that ever I felt.
A sick man askt another how he did: I am well sayes hee as you, or any body else can bee that is no better in health then I am.
One askt another vvhy hee did not marry. I am about a Wife sayes he, but I am afraid of entring into purgatory, for
then I should have a cold time on't
A Fidler being desired to play a new Tune: Sir sayes he, let me stand behind your back and ile play you a Tune was ne∣ver play'd before.
An old Churle in the Coun∣trey said, that the dayes in Queene Elizabeths time farre exceeded these for length; for now foure and twenty houres to a day is counted a great matter.
One sitting by a fire, O sayes
he these coales are exceeding good, foure pecks of them are worth a bushell of other coales.
One going to the house of Office, fie upon't sayes hee here's a house indeed adorife∣rently; I warrant they eat no sweet meats that leave this sent behind them.
One being to sing a Catch, Faith sayes hee, I had a good voyce once, but I spoyl'd it with drinking Egges and Mus∣kadine.
One askt another which was the best pot-herbe; why sayes he, in my conceit a legge of mutton is the best pot-herbe in the pot.
A drundard passing through a Forrest, and being scratcht by the Bryars; if you are loving friends sayes hee, let mee goe home, I have but one penny left, and that's in the outside of my pocket.
One speaking of the weather,
and the spring-time, we are like sayes hee to have a backward spring, for Saint Matthias day lights on a Holi-day.
One going by water, and seeing a Swan flutter on the vvater, O sayes hee, vvhat an asse is yonder Goose, that had rather live on the vvater, then on the dry land.
One riding to Rumford on a sack upon a tir'd Jade: faith, sayes hee, I never rid harder in my life, considering the slow∣nesse of my pace.
A Ditcher wading in a ditch began to sigh unto himselfe, and thus hee said: well, of all trades ditching is the worst; es∣pecially, whē a man must stand dry-shod in water up to the knees.
One that had a great Nose being laugh'd at: well sayes he, my Nose hangs indeed in my light, or else I might have seene a knave, but howsoever if I were hastie, no man might soo∣ner take pepper in the nose.
One making of Puddings said: It is very cold weather, and if my nose drop into my puddings, my wife is not so much in fault as my running head.
One looking on a Picture said: This must needs bee an excellent Art, vvho vvould not be hang'd, to bee thus drawne forth and quartered.
A Justice examining a poore fellow said: sirrah, I understand
you are a Thiefe, but take heed; for if you be once hang'd, your Booke cannot save you from the Gallowes.
One being askt how many friends hee had in the world: faith sayes he I have great store of friends that would be as glad to see me as their owne hearts.
One being troubled with a loosenesse in his belley: pre∣thee said he to his man tye my points hard, that it may stay my loosenesse, and set me a chaire in my chamber, that I may not goe to the stoole so often.
One being to reach a thing to another out of a window; but could not: friend sayes he reach it out with your left hand, for it may be the left hand is longer then the right.
A man having a wife that lay sick on her death-bed, and desired to make her will: That needs not sayes her husband, you have had your will all your life time, would you have your will when you are dead too.
One asking a schoole-boy
how farre hee had learnt in his Grammer: why sayes hee I am at finis funis; what's that sayes he; sayes he, it is an end and a halter, I sayes tother, but if it had beene an end in a halter, it had beene a better conclusion.
One being invited to a fu∣nerall feast, because he would expresse some dissembled grief: well sayes he, the party decea∣sed our brother, was an ho∣nest man: and whereas other Smiths pawne their tooles, he kept his vice to his dying day.
A Cobler was defyning the
goodnesse of Ale; well sayes he, let my wife chide never so much, if shee should cut my throat I would drinke strong Ale.
A controversie arose be∣tweene two young fellowes concerning their trade; well sayes the one, if I had follow'd my trade, I could have deceived you in my calling, for I was ne∣ver dull of reprehension.
One was speaking of the height of Pauls steeple. In troth sayes hee it is the highest steeple for the breadth in the world, and the reason is because
the steps are higher in going up then going downe.
A Traveller telling his Hoast that hee was gal'd; how came that to passe sayes his Hoast: marry sayes hee my saddle was soft enough, but I rid over a hard stony causey, and that ga∣led my breetch.
One being to take his leave of his friends: well sayes hee, friends must part, and affection will breake out of these dry conduits of my eyes, but fare∣well and be hang'd, I can but wish you well.
A fellow that had no but∣tons to his doublet before: well
sayes hee, of all fashions loopes and buttons is best, for though the buttons weare off, yet the loopes will hold a mans doub∣let together.
A wench that serv'd hogs, being ask'd what wages shee had: why sayes she I have twen∣ty shillings a yeere, that's six shillings a quarter, and please the hogs.
One was going upon the Ice which crakt under him: well sayes he if the Ice should break I should be over head & eares, but tis no matter I can swim if I were at the bottome of the water.
One having got the drun∣ken
Hiccock: this it is sayes he to drinke Aqua-vitae and Rosa Solis, and such Latin hot-wa∣ters, that a man must bee after∣ward put to decline Hic, hoc, when he cannot speake English.
One being sent by a Justice of Peace to carry a Goose in a basket to a Gentlemans house for a present: faith sayes hee, I could find in my heart to let him out, for the Justice has charg'd him to goe thither, and if hee should straggle away, the Justice can send Hu and Cry after him.
Two going in a stormy day
together they ran to the hedge side to defend themselves from the weather, when presently it begun to thunder: whereupon sayes tother, I never pray but in time of thunder, & then I can say forty prayers that I forgot seven yeers agoe, for feare will quicken a dead mans wits.
One being to passe over a narrow bridge, and another meeting him halfe way: friend sayes he, it was ill done to meet me thus full but, you might have had the manners to have come after me, and met me be∣hind.
One having his Candle gnaw'd every night by a Mouse: well sayes he, I will let my Candle burne every night, and then I shall be sure to save it from the Mice.
One telling how a dog flew upon him: sayes hee, the dog being ty'd in a chaine, came vi∣olently upon me, & so having a riding wand in my hand I strok him downe vvith my staffe, so that standing on his legs he lay panting on the ground ready to die.
One being to carry a couple of Rabbits up to a Gentlemans table, carried the legs forward, and being reprov'd for it by his Master: well sayes hee, ile carry them back againe, and it may bee they will come in a∣gaine with their heads forward and in better fashion; for they are meat of a good carriage.
One having bought twelve Aples for a penny, laid them downe againe and said; Pre∣••hee give me six Apples for a halfe-penny, for they are better ••hen twelve for a penny.
A Countrey Boy being brought to London young: where hee saw a Parret tal∣king in a Cage he said: O where might one buy such a Cage for my mother, for they say shee will talke like a Parret.
One being to buy feathers by the pound; fie on't said hee, who would think that a pound of feathers should bee as heavy as a pound of lead.
One seeing a Turky brought
to the table swore 'twas the fairest beast that ere hee saw or tasted.
A Jack a Napes was ti'd on a Dogs back, and the Dog ranne away; which an old woman see∣ing, cry'd out, well rid little young Gentleman.
One seeing in the Muses the great Horses rays'd, ask'd the Groome if that would not make a brave courser, hee stood so well on tiptoe.
One extolling an ancient
Don newly slaine in the field; another answered, no doubt he was a fine old man in his young dayes.
Two Butchers set their dogs a fighting, which one seeing cry'd out, the brinded dog will will prove himselfe the better man.
One refusing to eat Chees-cakes, was askt his reason, hee told thē he lov'd the flesh well, but was afraid of the bones.
One asking whence Lobsters
were brought, his fellow re∣pli'd, one might easily know their countrey by their coat, they are fetcht surely from the Red Sea.
One being ask'd what hee would give for a Sow and seven Pigs, nothing, quoth he, for the Sow, and lesse for the Pigs, if you'l take that bring'um in.
One pretending to pull down a Tree, his neighbour told him his onely way to pull it downe, were to pulck it up by the roots.
One making love to a coun∣trey woman, having first kickt her sow, she told him the Pro∣verbe condemn'd him, love me, love my dog.
One asking which was the highest Steeple in England, his fellow said, Lincoln without doubt, onely Pauls was much higher.
One feeding heartily on his neighbours barley bread, ask'd him what ground that wheat grew on.
One asking his neighbor for a hunting Nag, hee told him if he meant to buy a good one he must stay till leap yeere.
One laying a wager on a Mares side, the owner bid him doubt not hee should win the money; if his Horse lost the race, he would cut off his stones.
A Countrey Man hearing Pauls Organs, said London Fād∣lers made the best Musick.
One eating powderd Beefe, which was hot in the mouth, told his Hoast, that his Beasts nere dranke any thing but salt water.
One having a red Herring to breakefast, took a bit and went away; for said he, I never eat fresh fish but I am sick after it.
One told his companion that Pancrage Church was the first Church in England, that's true quoth he, for that's the mother of all; and Pauls the father.
One said Lent was the worst time in all the yeere, there were so many fridayes fell together.
One said there were two Shires in England that were most famous. It was Kent and Christendome.
A Scholler having Ink that lookt black and writ white, said sure 'twas nothing but Blacka∣mores sweat.
A young man askt a blind mans counsell how to chuse a wife, ile tell you quoth hee, let me but see her face.
One commended his Son for a good Scholler, and said hee could read any thing without book at ••irst sight.
A maid being chid for over-sleeping her selfe, told her Mi∣stresse, she would lie awake al night, but she would tell her to a minute how many houres she slept.
Two Citizens met, and one said the red Cowes gave the sweetest milke, no sayes the o∣ther, give mee the Calfe with the white face.
A begging Souldier was re∣lating his shipwracks, and said, in a fight both his Armes were cut off, and if hee had not by chance laid hands on the side he had beene drown'd.
Divers youths being jump∣ing together, one protested,
though he were now so unwel∣dy, yet he once jump'd further then ere he did in his life.
One driking small All, which was very thin, ask'd his Hoast how deare Hopps were sold when that drink was brew'd.
One complain'd that hee dream'd continually, and yet knew how long his fellow ad∣vis'd him to lay his watch at his beds head.
A Genrleman bearing love to a young maid, her father
charg'd him to forbeare the house, and told him the next time hee came in, hee would shut the doore against him.
Two walking together in the fields, were at length hem'd in by a great ditch, which when they perceived, quoth one of them we must goe back againe; for this ditch is too big for us to jumpe over; Nay, quoth the other, I protest I will jumpe over though I light just in the middle.
One going along the street in great hast with a pot in his hand, was called by a friend of
his in the way, and intreated to stay and drinke with him; to whom he replied, he could not possibly stay, in regard hee was going in great haste to fetch a pot of Ale to make a Sack Pos∣sit of.
One living in a Parish of London, espyed the Clearke of the same Parish passing by him, to whom hee said, O Clearke you are very jocund now you have bin at the buriall of your Sexton; but ere it bee long hee shall doe as much for you.
One (whoby habit seem'd to
bee a Minister) was riding a∣long the high-way neere unto a Coale-kilne; where out at that time there came a fellow very black, by reason of the smoakinesse of the place from whence hee came: The Mini∣ster, minded to make himselfe and his company merry, with a loude voyce called unto the fellow, and asked him what newes from Hell? To whom hee replied, I know none but this; The Divell wants a Chap∣lin, and if you make haste to Hell, I doubt not but you may have the place.
One being troubled with a scolding wife, O sayes he, if my
wife would but scold patient∣ly, wee should live as quietly as two Lions.
One meeting of a maide, sweetheart sayes hee, if you cannot affectt mee, pray let mee entreat your disfavour, for though I never come to visit you, yet I must needes come to see how you doe.
One being to admonish a a friend to become a good hus∣band. O sayes hee, the losse of time is the greatest benefit in the world, and therefore follow the example of those that are to come.
A milkmaid was going over a stile, and so spild her milke: wherefore sayes shee, I h•••• ra∣ther have lost twice as much milke if it had beene spil'd and never fallen on the ground.
An old man being told that hee should not sweare: well sayes he I will use to weare fal∣ling bands, for I never sweare but 'tis in my choller.
One hearing a sowgelder wind his horne: would eve∣ry Cuckold sayes hee had such an one, on that condition that I bought one.
A Capenter being askt why his wife scolded. The reason is sayes hee because my wives tongue hath got an Ague, and therefore it is now in a shaking fit.
One hearing a Fidler play very melodiously: fie upon't sayes he, this Musick makes me melt into passion like butter in a great frost.
One that had beene beyond Sea, being askt what countrey he had beene in: why sayes he
I have beene in a countrey that is so fruitful, that it flowes with Oat meale and puddings.
One being desirous to see the Lions: well sayes hee it is no wonder that I was drunke at the signe of the Lion, for a Li∣on is a terrible beast dead or alive.
One tying her shooe said: I would not bee ti'd alwayes to this, for 'tis unfit the head should stoope to the foot.
One being to pay a recko∣ning:
well sayes hee, doe you pay for all that's come in, and then i'le discharge the recko∣ning.
One being to give place to another at the table: friend sayes hee, I esteeme you for my chiefest guest, you shall sit at the upper end of the table, and I will sit in the mid∣dle right over against you.
One asking him what house hee came of: why sayes hee I came of as ancient a house as a∣ny in Covent Garden, and I was a Gentlemā before I was borne.
A Countrey fellow being askt if hee would come to din∣ner: I sayes hee, after you have made an end, ile come and dine as soone as you.
One being to ride a journey: well sayes he, I am to ride very farre to morrow, yet i'le eat somewhat in the morning, for when my belly is full, I care not if I fast all day.
A Drunkard being laid drunke upon a bed; desired
them to take away the pillow that hee might lie higher with his head.
One being very cold: well sayes he I know the reason why I am so cold, for the wind is got into my belly, and I cannot be warme before I have let a—
A milke-maid was going o∣ver a stile and spilt her milke: well sayes she, I had rather have lost my maiden-head, for this milke I cannot recover, but I could have got that againe though I had lost it over and over.
An old serving-man having lost his money at Tables, said; had I lost my money at Dice it would never have griev'd me.
A Skullion having washt his hands very white; I marry quoth he this is somewhat like, but if I had washt my hands in Snow water, then they would have beene whiter.
Two being to fight: well sayes the one if you kill mee then pray commend me to my
friends, but if I kill you, you may goe and doe your com∣mendations your selfe.
One desiring to know how old the Moone was: another told him that the Moone was out of date, so that although she doe not rise untill morning, yet she will shine all night.
A man being to teach an untoward boy to go to plough▪ sirrah sayes he, if you doe not learne by my destructions, ile take you from plough and se•• you to serve hogges: for you are my Uncles son, and there∣fore nothing a kin unto me.
One in a Sermon was say∣ing that Hanniball, that No∣ble Roman Captaine was wont to sleepe in his Armour to keepe himselfe a∣wake. ∴