Ar't asleepe husband? A boulster lecture; stored with all variety of witty jeasts, merry tales, and other pleasant passages; extracted, from the choicest flowers of philosophy, poesy, antient and moderne history. Illustrated with examples of incomparable constancy, in the excellent history of Philocles and Doriclea. By Philogenes Panedonius.

A GENTLEMAN USHER

IS his Ladies Creature; One who stands much upon his dimension and posture. A tall man he is of his Legges, and no lesse it behoves him to be tall of his Hands; being engaged to such desperate Encounters for the Wall. Pretty foole! He carries his Ladies Misset most gracefully, which she loves so tender∣ly, as she is ever putting him in mind of his charge: Prey thee Puny, doe not squeze my puppy. Continuance of imployment makes him in time grow more familiar with his Mistresse; Which makes her chastice the Sauce-boxe with her glove; meane time, the man knows her mind. Hee bestows so much time in the pointing of his Stelletto∣peake, and poudring his Locks, as he leaves little or none for his Orisons. He makes his whole Pilgrimage on earth a continued Peraembulation: and having learn'd to pace from his youth up, he can never shew him∣selfe commendable but in that garbe. He had an excellent shap't Legge, and a suffici∣ent Calfe, but every thing is worse for wea∣ring. If to reserve more state, the house be divided, and his great Lords roomes from his Ladies severed; hee is sure to be one that

must lye on his Ladies side. Should he fall of in his posture, through debility of na∣ture; her Page must be preferred before her Vsher: and the reason is, a Cock-Sparrow is more active than a Bald Bussard. He h'as a notable volubility of tongue; which he tips with such formall protests, as he will engage him yours, before ever he know you. He knows how to play the Secretary; and is oftimes put to't. Blush he will not, lest it should unrivet a Secret in his message. He reserves no time for reading, he bestows so much on walking; unlesse it be some wan∣ton Pasquill, a sociable accompt whereof he makes his Pastime. He h'as at all times ready accesse to his Lady, which procures him better successe in his Suite to her Lord. He must make no love to the Maid, lest it beget a jealous suspect in the Mistresse. Af∣fection cannot brooke Corrivals. If his La∣dy grow sickish, and desire to take fresh ayre, the Coach must he mount and jogge a∣long with her; where the Curtains must be drawn, lest the light discover her, or the ayre distemper her Here they couch as silent as a Charnell-house, but that mansion of frail∣ty they never remember. The height of his imployment principally consists in ushering his Lady to the Church; where it is admi∣rable, with what punctuall observance he conducts her to her Pew, kisseth her booke,

as if he had sworne by't; and to prevent all rash intruders, he stands at the doore, like a pious-pretending Pimpe, as if he were to keepe Centinall there for ever. And this he conceits to be one of his most tedious taskes; because Subjects of that nature doe not alto∣gether please his taste. It is rather his Ele∣ment to be versed in the perusall of Play-bils, which he presents to his Lady with great devotion; and recommends some especiall one to her view, graced by his owne judici∣ous approbation. His choyce she admits: to the Play-house she resorts: enters a prime boxe, and upon cloze of every Act, grace∣fully whispers in her Vshers care; com∣mends their action, and now and then at some amorous-moving passage, playes at Cent-foot purposely to discover the pregnan∣cy of her conceit. At Night, if her Gent∣leman heare of a Court-Maske, Show, or some other Presentment of State; Cupid be their Guide, winged is their Speed, eager is their Spirit, swifter is their Pace; so they may enjoy the Object that may please, and cloze their dayes prelude on Earth, with an Evening enterlude of Courtly mirth. But here, this Gentleman Vsher must shew him∣selfe rough, that he may get his Lady better roome. He must puffe and looke big, and swell like a pageant of State. A soft spirit would barre them both of all entertain∣ment.

By this his Lady h'as got a place, which was his Master-prize. The Present∣ment done, he must Vsher her home; which perform'd, a curious Knot of valiant Skin∣kers must Vsher him. The Cellar is their Centre; where they must drinke deepe their Ladies health to doe them honour; though a lasting surfet reave them of all health for their labour. Here he inhabits till he take a nap in the Cellar, or the napry Drawer be∣come his Gentleman Vsher to waft him to his Chamber. Now for his Place, though his revenues be but small, his vailes are great. His Ladies Purse is his portion, which sup∣plies him so long as he keepes Counsell. Her Count'nance is his greatest purchase, so as, by the losse of her favour, he dyes a Beggar. The fortune of a younger Brother call'd him to this place; since which time, he h'as ever walk'd most uprightly in his Vocation. But if the Master be a Tradesman, the Foreman of his Shoppe supplies this place, whereby he is made for ever. For if this reverend Trunke-hose turne up his heeles, whosoever stumble on his Grave, his Fore∣man Vsher is in faire possibility, to enjoy his grath. One of the greatest of his feares is Cornes on his toes : His Mistresse cannot endure halting; nor the condition of his place lumping. Vulcans polt-foot befits not an Vsher, nor his smug-looke a smooth re∣tainer.

His comfort is, as he begun with a small stock, so he cannot fall from any great state. As his risings were light, his height low, his continuance short, so his fall can∣not be great. Truth is, if he live to be his Masters survivor, (provided that he flow∣rish in strength and ability of nature) hee may prosper. But for most part, his Master out weares him, as he in his time outwrought his Master. The Meermaid h'as left him, but not without Consorts to attend him. Aches, Crampes, and Ring-bones are his incessant Associats. And now he walkes more upright than ever he did, for he cannot stoope, should a Diamond lye in his way: He remembers the follies of his youth, with —O the reines of my back! He needes no other rack, this will make him discover all. He is much troubled in his Sleepe, and awakes with an ache, which he utters in a shreeke: —O my Mistresse! 'Tis a wondrous thing to see how this spruce youth is metamorphosed! How his wild-luxurious beard growes unkemb'd, his lard-twilted doublet goes unbutton'd, and his Eve-dropping nose flowes like a common Sewer, and would bestow it selfe on any one that would wipe it. Well; he cannot possibly stand long; for his very legges, those proper Supporters of his youth, may now truly cry out with aged Milo; they

cannot beare a Calfe. It might be doubted, that death were better provided for him, than he provided for it, did not poverty bid him embrace it, and a Miriad of infirmities summon him to it. There is hope of him, for the flesh had left him, before he left the World.

* 1.1But we have insisted too long on these; let it be sufficient, that as there be some of those who reteine this name, properly ran∣ked in our Character: So be there those, whose better parts merit all approvement: But one Swallow makes no Summer: the Object of pleasure many times makes ship∣wrack of honour: whereas others, for whom we will ever reserve our deservingst approvedst thoughts, will rather chuse to leave their Coat in the hand of a loose Mi∣stresse, than lose their honour. That Ma∣xim, indeed, is too holding: if we be com∣panions to Ostriges, we shall savour of the Wildernesse. Nor, is there any Rush with∣out Mire: yet a Mirtle will shew it selfe a Mirtle amongst Nettles. And such we have of these; whom neither occa∣sion can corrupt; opportunity deprave; hope of fortunes delude: nor any indirect way decline from professing themselves just in discharging that place, wherein they stand necessarily interessed.

Now, in our diversion from these, wee

are to descend to Subjects of higher and more serious importance: yet such, as re∣flect ever upon the femall Sexe, wherein pleasure and profit, which ever make up the best Musick, shall hand in hand accompa∣ny you; to second your expectance with such variety, as our Discourse may amply recompence a retyred houre with double in∣terest to Posterity.

Notes

• * 1.1

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