Satyrical essayes characters and others. Or Accurate and quick descriptions, fitted to the life of their subiects. Iohn Stephens

ESSAY. II.

MAny aspiring fellowes you may see, Who, after they and fortune doe agree, Come (by briefe windings) to be men elect; Through priuate means, heauen knows how indirect. To flourish quickly and aduance their head, As if they tooke possessions from the dead: When all the Heralds neuer could deuise, From whence the fathers kindred might arise. Though many cal them Nephew, Brothers son (Because a thriftie garment they haue spun) Who (else) with publick shame had bin disgrac'd, And all the titles of their loue defac'd: But now they flourish, and with Worship swell, Whose poore beginnings euery Groome can tell. As if a new-found Whittingtons rare Cat Came to extoll their birth-rights aboue that

Which nature once intended: These be men Who thinke not of a Hundred yeelding Ten: They turne base copper into perfect gold: Counterfeit couzning wa••es bewis••ly sold. Men be perswaded well of prosperous fate, Giuing much credite to a crasty pa••e, But if these cowards durst discouer all, Both how they did their high estates install, How they began to make a league with hell, Or how they did in damned plots excell, Their very liues alone, if they were dead, Would make an other work for Hollingshead. Alas they dare not; these be cowards right, For whose abortiue d••eas the blackest night Is neuer black enough, nor can conceale Their shame, which lewd posterities reueale. Fine hansome outsides who so highly stand On the reputed courage of their hand: Who keepe their pages with such spacious gard (Scorning to play without a coated-card) Who keepe a large Retinue, or erect Buildings; in which they neuer can expect To dwell, with credit of their famish'd slocke; Or to maintaine the vse of one good lock.

These notwithstanding to augment their glosse, And turne some braue expences into drosse, Will be the seruile debtors to a slaue, (Who hath no remedie, but to depraue Their fortunes with inuectiue impudence, Or make petitions to defray expence) And yet these mighty Vpstarts cannot dare, To pay a single crosse: Except they spare Their pompe; which giues a lustre in the Court, And in the Citty makes aboundant sport. Spend-thrifts, & Gallants likewise (who haue lands Which beare all Saffron for their yellow bands) Those which haue onely complement, and whoope In Tauernes; may attend the former troope. Those that dare challenge any man of armes, And seeme to bear•• about them valtant charmes; Belching vnciuill Enuy, in the face Of him that meekely contradicts their grace; As if they carryed vengeance in their iawes, Or executions of the Statute-law••s. Those men if stricktly challeng'd, quake with feare, Contriuing basely how they may forbeare: And (leauing then a while their pompous pride) They best bethinke, how they may closely hide

Their contumacious heads with priuiledge: For when the flat-cap tradesman doth alle age Forfeit of payments (and because at length His wife, & so the world, doth know his strength) When he procures a Champion to demand The noble answere of his debtors hand: And dares my valiant Swaggerer to meet, His lawfull chalenge in the open street; He, rather then he will prouoke the strife, Sues by petition to my plaintifes wise: Who, if she doth not very much forget, Takes downe the quarrell, and so pa••es the debt. Another sort of Cowards you may see, (Transcending these in a more base degree) Who to preserue aduancement, or vphold Their Families, (without expence of gold) Will, in promiscuous manner, congregate Amongst good men, who blockish Papisme hate; Nay, they will be attentiue in the Church, (All to auoyd the law, and penall lurch) They will con-niue at holy arguments, And often beare a sway in Parliaments: They will agree to constituted lawes, Which almost ruine to their kingdome drawes,

(All notwithstanding) they directly dare Hope to be sau'd, as other Papists are; Expecting on some opportunitie, When they may make a traitrous vnitie: For all the truth which can excuse their fate, Is, that they finely can equiuocate: A Cowards doctrine, full of shamelesse feare, Infuses ioy to their misguided eare, And yet no equall iustice them controules, Because they haue a Curtaine to their soules; Corrupted Officers, the common curse Of publicke Law, who stuffe their gaping purse With wrongfull fees, and grow extreamely fat By their delitious trickes, or lying squat Vp to the cares in pleasant Alchymie, If these men durst bewray their infamie, And bring their holiest actions into light, The day would runne to a prodigious night. N••w fees created are, and then the match M••st something take to frame a briefe dispatch: I••formers be preuented by a feate, Which q••alifies indeed their boysterous heate, Although vniustly: Clearkes and other knaues (Who w^th their generous ruffs the court outbraues)

Will take a pention, or a quarter fee, To make their friend from information free; And (to preuent the mischiefe) will declare How other billes already do not spare To certifie the Court a day before Of that, for which the plaintiffe doth implore: So false and fained reuolutions cracke The craftie meanings that pre-caution lacke: Yet still they gape, and say they cannot saue The many pounds which th••y so freely gaue To purchase ten times more for they intend Onely on priuate meanings to depend. Before I speake, let no good Law••e•• bl••me My loue to him, though I bad vices name. Another sort of Law-professors come Within this Catalogue to craue a roome: They who depend vpon a Iudges looke More then the poynts of Littleton, or Brooke, They who procure a great mans happy smile, By Coaches, Colts, and other courses vile: Who keepe one speciall Court, and blind-sold wise Tread (Mill-horse like) the circuit of Assise: They who be fitter to maintaine the sport, Of Christmasse reuels at an Inne of Court:

Fitter to feed delitious Ladies eares, Or flattringly remoue their patrons feares: Fitter to follow the forgotten trades, Or make a reading of the knaue of Spades: To make a libell, or neate ruffes allow; And sometimes very fit to driue the Plow. Fitter then to exceed the true degrees Of merites, and conuert meere voice to fees. These men (it makes me laugh) they still contend To choose a long-liu'd patron for their friend; But if his destin'd length becomes too short To make the time of long vacations sport, Then all my fauourites be vanish't farre, And almost tremble to approach the barre. Then they perceiue, Life (vpon which they gnaw) Is more vncertaine then their common law: They trauaile home againe by weeping crosse, And bring the law much credit with their losse. But if they dare, vntouch'd, remaine still free, Another Patron dares corrupted be: Else like egregious Cowards, they withdraw, Hiding themselues, and the abuse of Law. I see a Lawyer, who hath spent his time At Innes of Court in some excessiue crime;

But being once aduanc'd to view the barre, He brings all bird-lime, and polluting tarre, With which he so defiles the Laws pure Sence, That each man will account it impudence. If a good simple Client entertaines This Mercenary Varlet, and explaines, How he hath purchas'd a conuenient field, Lordship, or Mannor, which may easly yeeld A large reuenue, that affoords full cost, Whereby he saues himselfe, and nothing's lost: The greedy Lawyer doth begin to pray He will repriue his answere till a day; Intending he perceiues poynts difficult, Through which the crafty seller may insult. Meanetime he visites some old broking knaue, And (with a sight of Angels) ties the slaue, Through nice propounded Articles to swimme, And get his Clients bargaine euen for him. Then will he basely flatter, and pretend The seller was my worshipfull deere friend, Who recollecting how commodious The bargaine was for me (so couetous) Did kindly offer me the peny-worth In which (before) I wanted putting forth.

Vngratious were it to impute disease To any men of knowledge, or to these, With a pernicious meaning to contemne The most respectfull honest Law, or them: When therefore I the name of Lawyer vse, Or (any way) the title do accuse, Imagine, I, as doe the vulgar clownes, Call those men Lawyers, who haue Lawyers gownes: Reseruing to my selfe a purer sence, Which saith a Lawyer is all innocence; A Lawyer truly taken; which implies One who doth Art and Reason exercise, Both which, and Equitie do him sustaine; Who truly doth the name of Lawyer gaine. That waking sighted Run-away, the Hare, (Which is pres••ru'd by a continuall feare) Cannot (by this) protect her innocence, So much as Officers their lewd pretence: The Fox an ancient Hierogliphicke was, In Fri••rs robes to shew the common passe Of smooth hypocrisie, and Church-mens craft; But now a formall gowne may serue to waft This badge among our prowling Officers, Which Name and Habite rightuously inferres

As much compacted villanie, as meetes Among the Stewards of rich Countrey Leetes: Both Couzen with as great conformitie, As if they held some new fraternitie: Both be so practis'd in good Vertues scorne, As if Atturnies had directly sworne To match the Officer, and powle the flecee, As if they both consisted of one peece. They both insinuate their sweating paines, Their common paiment: each (alike) constraines The hunger-bitten Client to disburse, Till they haue left his hopes euen with his purse. Yet will you dare to say those men exact? No; that were brainlesse: they so well compact Their polliticke inuentions, that the fault Of asking more then due, creepes to the vault Of Clerkes dull ignorance to purchase leaue, When their discouered proiect•• d•• deceiue A Substitute in Courts may rather take All wrested fees, that glosse may thereby make The Steward seeme lesse culpable in vice, When Substitutes are taught by his aduice: And if some one their cousenage doth betray, The Substitute can easily slinke away.

My baudy Proctor likewise, who presumes To purge mens purses▪ for vene••eall Rhumes; Who th••••atens pena••ce in agh••stly sh••ete, If Clie••ts (though they s••rip from head to feete) Be sla••k•• in paiment of extortious coine: This man who studies first how to purloine, Before he lookes vpon the ciuill Law; This man, who hath a prompt and ready paw, Who loues no Innes of Court, shutting his crackes And all his rage, vnder a nose of wax; Who, when a fornicato•• lookes awry, That he the least aduantage may espy, He will ••ff••••iously attend the Court, Because he ••••••els out the ensuing sport, And when a grieuous fi••e afflicts the purse Of ••••••shly sinners, to esc••pe the curse, He and the thriftie Iudge can closely share The foul•• taxation, which with pious c••re Is well intended to correct the sinne, Establish bridges which decay within, Reli••ue sicke persons, or amend high-wayes, Or some religious Chappell, which decayes. But they haue other vses to respect, To buy their ciu••ll garments, or affect

The wanton lust of some egregious whoore, To winne new credit, to deceiue the poore; And so deceiue the vnsuspectfull time, For (else) he durst not so insatiate clime Into the fiery region; neither dares His habite seeme acquainted with these cares. Now must I summon Parish-hypocrites, Who seeme attentiue to coelestiall rites, Who thinke the Art of him that well doth liue, Is all perform'd, if he example giue, Which may become the parish: if he pray Aloud in Chambers, or deuoutly pay The tribute of true dealing vnto all Who (can to their ass••stance) Iustice call. If in Assemblies he can shew good workes, And call offendors, Infidels or Turkes: He thinkes he hath discharg'd the finall part Of a religious or honest heart: Though he doth closely keepe a vertuous punke, Or though (on cautious t••arms) he•• can be drunk: Though in another County, and the name Of other Agents he can schedules fram••; And thinkes himselfe to be a man well blest, Though he receiues the Sinfull Interest:

For this eye-seruing-age is quickly gone To all deceit if we lacke lookers on. These be most valiant Cowards, men that dare Be boldly impious, and y••t basely feare, Least common rumour should obserue or thinke They be not still awake, though still they winke. Some false Physitians lye within the reach Of these, who true sinceritie impeach, Their glasses, glisters, oyles, ingredients (Which hope of lucre oftentimes inuents) Do carry all (as if a cowards soule Kept in their bosomes) to the dead mans rowle; Hiding their fearefull practice in the graues: Leane death, their operation still out-braues. Sometimes their crabbed Enuy doth inuent, Sometimes they kil with new experiment: For still they er••e by custome, or by chance, Ei••her by malice, or by ignorance: And (hauing spent prescriptions to each dram) He thinkes alas sure I protected am, If now I see our physicke does no good, Or seeing I haue suckt his purse and blood, If I can tell his friends there is no hope, Or that he must expect deaths fatall scope:

Then shall I be discharg'd with credits fee, And to condemne more liues, remaine still free. They shift their compasse to auoyd our scorne, Hiding their actions from the faire-fac'd morne. Now my censorious Criticks who disgrace Each worke they know not, with a scuruy face, Who banish Authors to Barbarian lands, And sling true solid matter from their hands, With a disdainfull Motto of Nonsence: Although themselues (excepting impudence) Haue nothing to excuse their vanitie: Latinle••se Lawlesse Rogues, they often be, Who hauing past their verdict, will recant: For their maintaining facultie is scant. Or if these Apish Cowards dare defend, The vice of Iudgment, brings them to their end. And yet some Writers doe deserue the name Of Cowards likewise: they be growne so tame With being often handled, often praisd, As they forget their motion, being raisd Aboue the highest spheares: they thinke it much, More then indeed enough, to haue beene such As they were once accounted: though they sleepe, Follow their ease, and sluggish silence keepe:

Nay thogh they wake, & (which doth po••son thē) F••llow the errors which they did condemne. Some worthlesse Poets also, haue the vice To write their labours as they cast at di••e: If (by aduenture) some strange happy chance, Smiles on their borrowed workes of ignorance, They can bewray their the••uish names, and giue Notice to all, how they eterni••'d liue. But if (presuming on their sickly strength) They write, and do betray their selues at length: Then, oh they came into the publicke presse Against their wils; they dare not then con••esse Who wrongs the world with such base Poetry: Nay, their owne eldest sonnes they will deny. All hide their vices. Printers also hide Errors escap'd, w••ich makes wise men deride Excellent wits, deseruing worthy praise, Whē (through distinctions lest) the truth decaies: But among all base writers of the time, I cannot reckon vp more desperate rime, (Which trauailes with a feare so damnable) As Libell-lashing measures: they excell Onely in this; that these be counted best, Which the soole-Author dares acknowledge least.

These are contemptible enough, and yet Their lines maske vnder a fictitious wit, When wit (as hitherto) was neuer seene Truly ingendred by a tr••uiall spleene. Nor can they thus reforme what is impure, Seing men so touch'd, conceiue thēselues past cure. Wel do these cowards thriue, when hauing blown Shame to the peoples Eares, they loose their own. Briefly, it were a thing preposterous, If rich men, who are nicely co••etous, Shold not be trembling cowards; when they think Vpon the ioyfull paines of death, they stinke. Nothing prouokes me sooner to confesse That Atheisme is their chiefest happinesse, Then to consider how the very best Struggle with death, declining to their rest: One pluckes away the haires which should reueale His righteous thoughts: another doth conceale The furrowed wrinkles of his tawny skinne: Another scoures his stumpes, or doth beginne To breake the glasse with foolish extasie, At the reflexe of Chap-f••lne grauitie. Can these, with safetie of a quiet minde Puffe vp themselues with an ambitious winde

Of Riches, Rumor, Lucre, and Expence, Whiles Kings and good men haue no difference? They haue Abundance, I haue some alone, They feed a hundred bellies, I feed one. Both vanish to Obliuions caue, vnlesse Our very thoughts a liuing soule expresse: Which being once admitted, no soules can Keepe their worst secrets from the face of Man.