Aristippus, or, The Ioviall philosopher presented in a priuate shew : to which is added, The conceited pedler.

THE PEDLER, AS IT WAS PRESENTED IN A STRANGE SHOVV.

Generous Gentlemen,

SVch is my affection to Phoebus, and the ninety nine Mu••es, that for the benefit of this roy∣all Vniuersity, I haue strodled ouer three of the terrestriall globes with my Geometricall rambling, vid••licet, the Asia of the Dolphin, the Afrique of the Rose, the America of the Mitre, besides the terra incognita, of many an Ale-house. And all for your sakes, whom I know to be the diuine brats of Helicon, the lawfull begotten bastards of the thrice three sisters, the learned, filly-foales to Mounsier Pegasus, Arch∣hackney to the students of Parnassus: Therefore I charge you by the seuen deadly Sciences, which you more study than the three and foure liberall sinnes, that your ha, ha, he's may be recompence of my ridiculous endeauours.

I haue beene long in trauell, but if your laughter giue my Embryon iests but safe deliuerance, I dare maintaine it in the throat of Europ, Iero••imo rising from his naked bed, was not so good a Midwife.

But I see you haue a great desire to know what profession I

am of: first, therefore heare what I am not. I am not a Law∣yer, for I hope you see no Buckram honesty about me, and I sweare by these sweet lips, my breath stinks not of any State actions: I am no souldier, although my heeles be better than my hands: by the whips of Mars and Bellona, I could neuer endure the smell of salt-Peter since the last Gunpowder trea∣son: the voyce of a Mandrake to me, is sweeter musick than those Maximes of warres, those terrible Cannons; I am no Townsman, vnlesse there be rutting in Cambridge, for you see my head without hornes; I am no Alderman, for I speak true English; I am no Iustice of peace, for I sweare by the honesty of a Mittimus, the venerable Bench neuer kist my worshipful Buttocks; I am no Alchymist, for though I am poore, I haue not broke out my braines against the Philosophers stone; I am no Lord, and yet me thinks I should, for I haue no Lands; I am no Knight, and yet I haue as empty pockets as the prou∣dest of them all; I am no Landlord, but to Tenants at will; I am no Inns of Court Gentleman, for I haue not been stew∣ed throughly at the Temple, though I haue beene halfe cod∣led at Cambridg••; Now doe you expect that I should say I am a Scholler, but I thanke my starres, I haue more wit than so; why, I am not mad yet? I hope my better Genius will shield me from a thred-bare blacke Cloke, it lookes like a piece of Beelzebubs Liuery. A Scholler? What? I doe not meane my braines should drop through my nose: no; if I was what I wish I could but hope to be; but I am a noble, generous, vn∣derstanding, royall, magnificent, religious, heroicall, and thrice illustrious Pedler.

But what is a Pedler? why, what's that to you? yet for the satisfaction of him whom I most respect, my right honou∣rable selfe, I will define him.

A Pedler is an I••diu••duum vagum, or the Primum mobile of Tradesmen, a walking Burse, or moueable Exchange, a Socra∣ticall Citizen of the vast vniuerse, or a peripateticall Iourny∣man, that like another Atlas carries his heauenly shop on's Shoulders.

I am a Pedler, and I s••ll my ware This braue Saint Barthol▪ or Sturbridge faire, I'll sell all for laughter, that's all my gaines, Such Chapm••n should be laught at for their paines. Come buy my wits which I haue hither brought, For wit is neuer good till it be bought; Let me not beare all backe, buy some the while, If laughter be too deare, tak't for a smile; My trade is iesting now, or quible speaking, Strang: trade you'l say, for its set vp with breaking; My shop and I, am all at your command, For lawfull English laughter paid at hand, Now will I trust no more, it were in vaine To breake, and make a Craddock of my braine: Halfe haue not paid me yet, first there is one Owes me a quart for his declamation, Anothers morning draught, is not yet paid For foure Epistles at the election made, Nor dare I crosse him who do's owe as yet Three elli of iests to line Priorums wit. But heer's a Courtier has so long a bill▪ 'Twill fright him to behold it, yet I will Relate the summes: Item, he owes me first, For a•• Inprimis: but what grieues me worst, A dain••y Epigram on his Spaniels taile Cost me an houre, besides fiue pots of Ale, Item an Anagram on his mistrisse name, Item the speech wherewith he courts his Dame, And an old blubberd scowling El••gy Vpon his Masters dogs sad exequy, Nor can I yet the time directly gath••r, When I was paid for an Epitaph on's father, Besides he neuer yet gaue mee content For the new coyning of's last complement, Should I speake all? be't spoken to his praise,

The totall summs is, what he thinks, or sayes, I will not let you runne so much o'th score, Poore Ducke-Lane braines, trust me, I'l trust no more, Shall's iest for nought, haue you all conscience lost? Or doe you thinke our Sacke did nothing cost? Well, then it must be done as•• I haue said, I needes must be with present laughter payd, I am a freeman, for by this sweet ryme, The fellowes know I haue secur'd the time, Yet if you please to grace my poore aduentures, I'm bound to you in more than ten Indentures.

But a pox on Skeltons ••ury, Ile open my Shop in honester prose, and first, Gentlemen, I'l shew you halfe a dozen of in∣comparable poynts.

I would giue you the definition of points, but that I think you haue them at your fingers ends, yet for your better vn∣derstanding,

A poynt is no body, a common terme, an extreme friend of a good mans longitude, whose center and circumference ioyne in one diametricall opposition to your equilaterall Doublets, or equicrurall Breeches; but to speake to the point, though not to the purpose.

1 The first point is a point of honesty, but is almost worn out, and has neuer beene in request since trunck-Hose and Codpeece••breeches went out of fashion, it's made of simpli∣city Ribbon, and tagged with plaine dealing; if there be any knaues among you (••s I hope you are not all fooles,) faith buy this point of honesty, and the best vse you can put it to, is to tye the band of affection: but I feare, this point will finde no Chapman, some of you had rather sell, than with Demosth••nes buy honesty at so deare a rate: oh, I could wish that the Bree∣ches of Bowsers, Stewards; Taxors, Receiuers, and Auditors were trussed with these honesty points; but some will not bee tyed to it, but hist To••, it is dangerous vntrussing the time.

2 The next is a point of Knauery, but I haue enow of them already, yet because I am loth to carry mine any longer about me, who giues me most, shall take it, and the diuell giue him good on't: this point is cut out of villanous Sheepeskin parchment in a Scriueners Shop, tagg'd with the gold of a Ring, which the Pillory robb'd him of, when it borrow∣ed his eares; if he doe but fasten this to the new Doublet of a yong Squire, it will make him grow so corpulent in the mid∣dle, that there will be nothing but Waste, this point of Kna∣uery has bin a man in his dayes, and the best of the Parish, foureteene of them goe to our Bakers dozen.

The definition of him may be this: a point of Knauery, is an occult quality tyed on a riding knot, the better to play fast and loose, he was borne in Buckram, h'as runne through all offices in the Parish, and now stands to be President of Bride∣well, where I leaue him, ••oping to see him truss'd at Ti∣burne.

3 Amongst all my points, a point of ignorance is the very Alderman of the dozen. This is the richest point in my packe, and is neuer out of fashion at Innes of Court: if you buy this point, you are arrant fooles, for I'l giue you this gift, that you shall haue it in spite of your teeths.

4 The next is a point of good manners, that has beene long lost amongst a croud of clownes, because it was only in fashion on this side Trent.

This point is almost found in our Colledge, and I thanke the heauens for'••, it begins to be tagg'd with Latine, it hath beene much d••fil'd, but I hope to see it cleane wash't away with the sope of good gouernment.

This point, to giue you a little inckling of it; begins from the due obseruance of a Fresh man to Sophisters, and there it ends with a cede m••ioribus.

5 Next point is a point of false doctrine, snatch'd from the codpeece of a long-winded Puritan, the breath of Ar∣m••nim will rot in him. Tag him with a piece of Apocripha, and he breaks in sunder, trusse him to the Surplesse, and his

Breeches will presently fall downe with the thought of the whore of Babylon.

Hee hates vnity and Church-discipline so farre; that you cannot tye a true loues knot on him: cut off his tags, and he will make excellent strings for a Geneua Bible; I would haue these points anathema••ized from all the religious breeches in the company: 'tis made of a dangerous stubborne Leather, tagg'd at one end with selfe-conceit, at the other with wil∣full opinion, this point is fit for no seruice, but Lucifers C••∣coti••ces: but why talke I so long of this point, it is pitt•• it is not licensed.

6 If you like my points, why doe you not buy? If you would haue a more full point, I can furnish you with a Peri∣od; I haue a Parenthesis (but that may be left out) I know not how you affect those points; but I loue them so well, that I grieue at the ignorance of my infancy, when my most auda∣cious Toes durst play at spurne-point.

Who will not pitty points, when each man sees To begging they are falne vpon their knees? Though I begge pitty, thinke I doe not feare Censuring Criticke whelps, no point Mounsier: If you ••ate points, and these like merry speeches, You may want points for to trusse vp your Breeches. And from the close-stole may ••e neuer moue, That hating points, doth clasps and keepers loue; But if my points haue ••eere at all offended, Ile tell you a way how all may be amended: Speake to the point, and that shall answer friend, All i•• not worth a point, and ther's an end.

Then the Pedler brought forth a Looking Glasse.

The next is a Looking-Glasse, but I'l put it vp againe; for I dare not be so bold as to shew some of you your owne faces; yet I will, because it hath strange operations, viz.

If a crackt Chamber-maid dresse her selfe by this Looking-Glasse, shee shall dreame the next night of kissing her Lord, or making her mistresse a shee Cuckold, and shall marry a Chaplin, the next liuing that falls.

If a stale Court Lady looke on this Reflection, shee may see her old ••ace, through her new Complection.

An Vsurer cannot see his conscience in it, nor a Scriuener his eares.

If a Townesman peepe into it, his Acteons furniture is no longer invisible: Co••rupt takers of bribes may reade the price of their consciences in it.

Some fellowes cannot see the face of a Scholler in it. If one of our Iewel-nos'd Carbunckl'd rubricke, bonifac't, can venture the danger of seeing their owne faces in it, the poore Basiliskes will kill themselues by reflection.

If a blinde man see his face in this, hee shall recouer his eye-sight.

But I see no pleasure in the contemplation of it; for when I looke into it, I finde my selfe inclined to such a dangerous disease, that I feare, I cannot liue heere aboue foure yeeres longer: Howsoeuer, I hope after my disease, we shall drinke the parting-blow.

If any this Looking-Glasse disgrace, It is because he dares not see his face: Then what I am, I will not see (faith) say, 'T was the whores Argument, when she threw't away.

Then the Pedler brought foorth a boxe of Cerebrum.

But now considering what a Philosophicall vacuum there is in most of our Cambridge Noddles, I haue here to sell a so∣ueraine boxe of Cerebrum, which by Lullius his Alchymy▪ was extracted from the quintessence of Aristotles Pericrani∣um, sodde in the sinciput of Demosthenes. The fire being blowne with the long-winded blast of a C••ceronian sentence, the whole confection boyled from a pottle to a pinte, in the Pipkin of Seneca: wee owe the first inuention of it to Sir Iohn Mandeuile, the perfection of it to Tom of Odcombe, who fetch'd it from the gray-headed Alpes in the Hobsons Wag∣gon of experience; I sweare as Persians vse, by this my Cox∣combe, this Magazine of immortall roguery: but for this Boxe of braines, you had not laughed to night; buy this boxe of braines, and the tenure of your wits shall be soccage, when as now it is but ••ee simple.

These braines haue very admirable vertues, and very strange operations: foure drops of it in the eare of a Lawyer, will make him write true Lattin: three graines will fill the Capitall of an Vniuersity Gander; the terrestriall head of a high-Constable, will be contented with halfe a dram; three scruples and a halfe will fill the braine-panne of a Bambery brother.

Come buy my braines, you ignorant guls, And furnish heere your empty sculs: Pay your Laughter as it's fit, To the learned Pedler of wit. Quickly come, and quickly buy, Or I'l shut my shop, and f••oles you'l dye. If your Coxcombes you would quoddle, Heere buy braines to fill your noddle.

Who buyes my braines, learnes quickly here, To make a Probleme in a yeere: Shall vnderstand the predicable, And the predicamentall Rabble. Who buyes them not, shall die a foole, An exotericke in the Schoole. Who has not these, shall euer passe For a great Acromaticall Asse: Buy then this boxe of braines, who buyes not it, Shall neuer surfet on too much wit.

Then the Pedler brought forth a Whetstone.

But leauing my braines, I come to a more profitable Com∣modity: for considering how dull halfe the wits of the Vni∣uersitie be, I thought it not the worst traffique to sell Whet∣stones.

This Whetstone will set such an edge vpon your inuenti∣ons, that it will make your rusty iron braines, purer mettle, then your brazen faces. Whet but the knife of your Capaci∣ties on this Whetstone, and you may presume to dine at the Muses Ordinary, or suppe at the Oracle of Apollo. If this be not true, I sweare by the Doxies Petricoates, that I'le neuer hereafter presume of a better vocation, then to liue and dye the miserable factor of Conny-skins.

Then the Pedler brought out Gloues.

I haue also Gloues of seuerall qualities: the first is a paire of Gloues made for a Lawyer, made of an intire Loadstone, that has the vertue to draw gold vnto it; they were perfumed with the conscience of an Vsurer, and will keepe scent till wrangling haue left Westminster Hall; they are seamed with

Indenture, by the needleworke of Mortgage, and fringed with a Nouerint Vniuersi. I would shew you more, but it is against the Statute, because a Latitat hath beene serued lately vpon them. And few of you need any Gloues, for you weare Cordouant hands.

Night-Caps.

My next Commodities, are seuerall Night-caps, but they dare not come abroad by Candlelight. The first is lined with Foxe furre, which I hope to sell to some of the Sophisters; it hath an admirable faculty for curing the Crapula, aboue the vertue of Iuie, or bitter Almonds; nay, the porredge pot's not comparable vnto it.

I haue another, fit for an Alderman, which Acteon by his last Will and Testament bequeathed to the City as a princi∣pall Charter, it was of Dianas's owne making; Albumazers Otacousticon was but a Chamberpot in comparison.

I could fit all heads with Night-caps, except your grane ouerwise Metaphysical heads: Marry, they are so transcen∣dent, that they will not bee comprehended within the pre∣dicant of a Night-cap.

Ruffes.

I haue also seuerall Ruffes; first, a Ruffe of pure Holland for a Dutch drunkard, a Ruffe of Cobweb-lawne for the Vniuer∣sitie statutes: I haue a Ruffe for the Colledge too: but by this badge of our Colledge (my reuerend Lambskins) our back∣biters say, our Colledge Ruffes are quite out of stocke; •• haue no more Ruffes but one, and that is a Ruffe of strong hempe, you may haue them who will, at the Royall Exchange of Ti∣burne.

As for plaine Bands, if you finde any in a Scriueners shop, there is good hope honesty will come in fashion againe.

But you will not bestow your money on such trifles: why? I haue greater wares.

Will you buy any Parsonages, Vicarages, Deanaries, or Prebendaries?

The price of one is his Lordships crackt Chamber-Maid, the other is the reseruing of his Worships tythes; or you may buy the Knights horse three hundred pound too deare, who to make you amends in the bargaine, will draw you on fairely to a Vicaridge.

There be many tricks, but the downe-right way is three yeeres purchase. Come bring in your Coyne; Liuings are Maioriinpretio now, then in the daies of Doomesday booke, you must giue presents for your presentations: there may be seuerall meanes for your institution, but this is the only way to induction that euer I knew: but I see you are not minded to meddle with any my honest Leuiticall Farmers.

Then the Pedler tooke out a Wench made of Alablaster.

But now expect the treasures of the World, the treasures of the earth digg'd from the mynes of my more then Indian paunch. Wipe your eyes, that no enuious clouds of musty humours may barre your sight of the happinesse of so rare an obiect.

Come from thy Palace, beautious Queene of Greece, Sweet Hellen of the world, rise like the morne, Clad in the smocke of night, that all the starres May lose their eyes, and then grow blinde, Runne weeping to the man i'th Moone, To borrow his dogge to leade the spheares a begging.

Rare Empresse of our soules, whose Charcole flames Burne the poore Colts foot of amazed hearts, View this dumbe Audience thy beauty spies, And then amaz'd with griefe, laughout their eyes.

Heer's now a rare beauty, oh, how all your fingers itch, who should be the first Chapman? This will be a dainty friend in a corner. And wert not better to imbrace this prer∣ty shambles of beauty, this errant Poultry of perfection, than to tumble your sopy Laundresses? Is this like your daggle-tail'd Bed-makers? when a man shall lie with Seacole ashes, and commit adultery with the dust of his chamber?

Me thinks this peerelesse Paragon of complection should be better countenanced. She would set a sharper edge on your appetites, than all the three-penny Cutlers in Cambridge.

I am a man as you are, and this naughty flesh and blood will neuer leaue tempting: yet I protest by the sweet sole of this incomparable shee, I neuer had any acquaintance with the pretty Libraries of flesh, but onely this: This is the sub∣iect of my muse; This I adorne with costly Epigrams, and such curious Encomiums, as may deserue immortality in the Chamberpots of Helicon: and thus my Furor Poeticus doth accost her.

Faire Madame, thee whose euery thing Deser••es the Close-stoole of a King: Wose head is faire as any bone, White and smooth as Pumex stone. Whose naturall baldnesse scornes to weare The needlesse excrements of bayre. Whose fore-head streakes, our hearts commands, Like Douer Clifts, or Goodwyn sands. While from those daintie Glo-worme eyes, Cupid shoots plum-pudding pyes, While from the Arches of thy nose, A Creame-pot of white Nectar flowes:

Faire dainty lips, so smooth, so sleeke, And truely Alablaster cheeke. Pure Saffron teeth, happy the meate That such pretty milnestones eate. O let mee heare some silent song, Tun'd by the Iewes-trumpe of thy tongue. Oh, how that Chin becomes thee well, Where neuer hairy beard shall dwell: Thy Corall necke doth statelier bow, Then Iös when she turn'd a Cow: O let mee, or I shall ne'r rest, Sucke the blacke bottles of thy brest: Or lay my head, and rest mee still On that dainty Hogmagog hill. Oh curious, and vnfathom'd waste, As slender as the stateliest Mast: Thy fingers too breed my delight, Each Wart a naturall Margarite, Oh pitty then my dismall mo••ue, Able to melt thy heart of stone. Thou know'st how I lament and howle, Weepe, snort, condole, looke sad and scowle. Each night so great, my passions be, I cannot wake for thought of thee. Thy Gowne can tell how much I lou'd, Thy Petticoate to pitty moou'd. Then let thy Pedler mercy finde, To kisse theo once, though it be behinde. Sweet kisse, sweet lips, delicious sence, How sweet a Zephyrus blowes from thence? Blest Peiticoate, more blest her Smocke, That daily busseth her Buttocke: For now the Prouer be true I finde, That the best part is still behinde. Sweet dainty soule, daigne but to giue The poore Pedler, this hanging Slee••••.

And in thine honour, by this kisse, I'le dayly weare my Packe in this, And quickly so beare thee m••re fame, Then Quixot the Knight Errants dame: So farewell sweet, daign•• but to touch, And once againe re-blesse my Pouch.

Is it not pitty such ware should not bee bought? Well, I perceiue the fault is in the emptinesse of your learned poc∣kets: well, I'le to the Court, and see what I can sell there, and then carry the Reliques to Rome.

The Pedler cals for his Coltstaffe.

Some friend must now per••or••••, Make haste, and bid my Boy To saddle me my woodden Horse: For I meane to conquer Troy.

FINIS.