Thalia's banquet furnished with an hundred and odde dishes of newly deuised epigrammes, whereunto (beside many worthy friends) are inuited all that loue in offensiue mirth, and the Muses. By H.P.

To my Reader. Epigram 1.

REader, if that thy curious eye will needes Dwel on a while these rude & ranker weedes, Take leaue; and ere a while this Muse of ours Shal bring thee lapfuls of her choisest flowers.

Vpon TVLLVS. Epigram 2.

TVLLVS who was a Tailor by pro••ession, Is late turn'd Lawyer, and of large possession: ••o who before did cut but countrey freeze, Now cuts the Countrey in excessiue fees.

To LAELIVS. Epigram 3.

Pri'thee LAELIVS do•• me but the grace, T' expresse thy s••lfe in that aboue thy gate 〈◊〉〈◊〉 written, Here we haue no dwelling place: ••hat, doost thou meane, our worldly fickle state, Or rather (which I take to be the right) Thou canst endure no guest aboue a night?

Vpon FVMOSO. Epigram 4.

FVMOSO now beginning to decline Takes onely care how he may come by coyne, And dayly wisheth these BOHEMIAN ••arres Would set all Christendome at deadly warres, For him t'were better vpsie Gull doth sweare, Moreouer England very well might spare Ten hundred thousand men, enow to bea••, The Emp'rour, Pope and Turke out of his seate: Not that FVMOSO, trust me, meanes to fight, Or dares march further then his chymneie•• sight, A noted coward, but the ••ruth to tell, ••e hat•• a rusty musquet he would sell.

To M^r. B••N IOHN••ON: Epigram 5.

SInce more cannot be added to thy Fame, Enough tis onely to expresse thy Name.

To M^r. I. Selden of the Inner Temple. Epigram 6••

LOoke how a late-come Painter to the strand Doth formost place the Pour••raicture in ••ight••

Of some remarqued Statesman of our Land, To grace his shop, ••nd buyers to inuite; So learned Sir, I here prefixe your n••me, And looke to thriue the better for the same••

To M^r. Edward Hayward. ••pigram 7.

I Know it were but highly to offend, To seuer you si••, fro•• so t••ue a frend, When eue•• ENVY is enforc'd to blesse Your (••ach enioying either) Happinesse.

Vpon LAVINA. Epigram 8.

LLAVINA brought abed, her husband lookes, To knowe's child's fortune throughout his bookes: His neighbors think h'had need search backward rather, And learne for certaine who had beene the father.

Vpon DARE an vpstart Poet. Epigram 9.

DARE a fresh Author to a fri••nd did boast, Hee'd shew in Cheape his name vpon a post, But did DARE•• friend to's hostesse house but walke, Shee'ld shew'•• him there on euery post in chalke.

Vpon TAMB••RRO. Epigram 10.

TAM••VRRO now, what ere his friends do say, At last will thriue, and all his debts go pay, For by his wit (he boasts) and pleasing tongue, H••hath won a ••ench that's wondrous faire and young, Well borne, well qualifi'd, rich, modest, wise, And shall be worth, if that an Vnckle dies, In land foure hundred by the yeere, at least, Beside odde remnants in her mothers chest: 'Tis true, the match is halfe concluded, he Is wondrous willing with it, but not she.

Vpon SORANZO. Epigram 11.

SOR••NZO'S broad-brimm'd hat I oft compare To the vast compasse of the heauenly sphaere, His head, the Ea••th's Globe fixed vnder it, Whose Center i•• his wondrous little wit.

To VFLLIVS. Epigram 12.

Thou swear'st I bowle as well as most men doe, The most are bunglers•• therein thou ••aist true.

Epigram 13.

THe Countrey, God be thanked, well is rid Of Beggers, which, they say, Iudge ••opham did: But if he could the Court as well haue f••e••d, Then he had done a worthy Act indeed.

Vpon the Turkish Alkar••n. Epigram ••4.

TThe Turkes hold this opinion very odde, That madme••s soules are talking still with God, And that to be an Ideo•• o•• a Vice, Is th'onely way ••o purchase Paradis•• If t••is be true their Alka••ons relate, Our Puritans were sure in happy state.

Vpon BOONE. Epigram 15.

VVHen vnto Boone a booke was brought to sweare, He prayd the Iudge he would that labour spare, For there's no oath (quoth Boone) that you can n••me•• But perfect I wit••out booke haue the same.

In Diuites. Epigram 16.

RIch men their wealth as children ra••••les keepe, When plaid a while with't, then ••hey fall asleepe.

Vpon Richard. Epigram 17.

THrough Paules Church-yard as Dick came reeling drun••, He stumbling fell into an empty trunke, And laine a while did verily suppose, He had beene buried quicke and in his clothes, Saue that the vpper stone vpon his graue, By night was stollen by some cunning knaue. Dick halfe awake, be••hought him of his si••ne, And that lewd cou••se of life he liued in, Yet long hereof for thi••st Dick could not thinke, But drawer cries, now for thy smallest drinke.

Vpon Gellia. Epigram 18.

VVHen G••llia went to schoole and was a girle, Her teeth for whitenes might cōpare with pearl, But after she the taste of swee••e meates knew, They turn'd all Opals to a pe••fect blew, Now Gellia t••kes Tobacco, what should let, But last they should conue••••ed be to let?

Vpon Nasu••o. Epigram 19.

VVHen at the Table once I did auerre, Well taken Discords best did please the eare,

And would be iudg'd by any Qu••rister, Were in the Chappell, Paules or Westmi••ster, Nasuto sitting at the neather end, (First hauing drun••e and cough'd) quoth he my frend, If that were true, my wife and I, I feare, Should soone be sent for to the Arch-dukes Quire.

Vpon the A••se. Epigram 20.

THe A••se a Courtier on a time would be, And trauaild forraine fashions for to see, But home returned, foshi••n he could none, Hi•• mane and taile were onely larger growne.

Vpon Vertue, Mistrisse Milla's maid. Epigram 21.

SAith Aris••otle, Vertue ought to be Communic••••iue of her selfe and free, And hath not V••rtue Milla's maid beene so, Who's growne hereby as big as she can go?

To the nobly-disposed, modest, and faire Sisters, M••••stresse Aleezia, and my euer-honored Mistresse, Mist••esse Anne Dudley. Epigram 22.

IF to admire and tell the world yee are, Of all I know (sweete Maids) aboue compare,

For bounty, beauty, wit, and goodly grace, Th'extracted quint'sence of your noble race, Would pay that euerlasting summe I ow To your respectfull fauours well I know•• I should as much adde to your worth as he That guilds his di'mond, inke•• the Iuorie, And by these Titles rather you dishonor, Which euery wayting maid hath pinn'd vpon her Now by her Masters Clarke; since praises commo•• As perruke•• are growne stale with euery woman. So let me thriue as euer I abuse Chaste Poesie, and prostitute my Muse, T'vnworthinesse, or follow the hot sent Of rising Greatnesse, with the rablement, Or letter of an idle name rehearse, Tha••'s empty of Desert in all my verse.

To the learned and euery way accomplished, Sir Hamond Straunge, Knight. E••igram 23.

SIr, though you are a stranger to our time, And liue a farre as in another clime, Our Muse her flight with nimble wing doth take, To gratulate you for good Letters sake; "So with the same stone needles touch'd, agree, "And hold one motion, though remote they ••ee.

Vpon a Spanish Souldier. Epigram 24.

A Spanish Souldier sicke vnto the death, His Pistoll to's Physition did bequeath,

Who did demand, what should the reason be, 'Boue other things to giue him that (quoth he) This with you•• practise ioyned you, may kill, Sir, all aliue, and haue the world at will.

To Laura. Epigram 25••

IF true as common that old prouerbe be, A blacke man is in beautie•• eye a pearle; To prooue thy selfe as faire as any she, Then Laura loue, and liue with me my girle.

Vpon Count Surly. Epigram 26.

COunt Surly will no scholler entertaine, Or any wiser then himselfe, ••ow ••o? The ••••ason is, when fooles are in his traine, His wit amongst them, makes a goodly show.

Vpon Corydon. Epigram 27.

A Home-spunne peasant in his manner rude, His Vrine brought close stopped in a glasse, Vnto his Doctor, who when it had view'd, Demanded straight what countrieman he was, Quoth Corydon, with making legs full low, Your worship that shall by my water know.

Vpon Otho. Epigram 28.

THree daughters Ot•••• hath his onely heires But will by no mean••s h•••••• the•• l••arne to write, Cause (after hi•• own•• humou••) 〈◊〉〈◊〉 he feares, The'••l one day lea••ne lo•••• l••t••••••s to ••ndi••••, The young••st now's with ••hild, ••ho taught her th••n, Or of her sel••e learn'd she to hold her pen?

To the Noble minded and most worthy, Maister Thomas Knyvet of Ashwel••h••rp. Epigram 29.

YOur Great learn'd Grandsire to you at his death, Accomplish'd¹* 1.1 Mars with ••allas ² did bequeat•••• And since I heare you so laid your plot, That* 1.2 Venus ³ (or a fairer) you haue got.

To the Towne of Wimondham in Norfolk.

Epigram 30.

WIndham I loue thee, and I loue thy soile, Yet euer loath'd that neuer ceasing toile Of thy faire Schoole, which while•• that it was free, My selfe the Maister lost my libertie.

Vpon Indee••la. Epigram 31.

INdeedla grumbles much that hee a penny, Is leuied in collection to the poore: Indeedla but you are the first of any, Will contribute vnto a handsome —

In Dianam ma••itum alloq••ent••m. Epigram 32.

ALthough my name Diana (husband) he, Y'are no A••••eon I am sure, quo••h she. Thankes wife, replie•• hee, I did ne•••••• feare, Thoul'dst lay vpon mee more then I could beare.

To Maister William Baker, S••cretarie vnto my L. G. of Cantuarburie. Epigram 33.

SIr midst the great employments and the toile, That do distract you in affaires of State,

Remit your cares and high raisd thoughts a while, And see what Flo••ers our ba••ren soile o•• late, Vnth••ught of h••••h prod••c'd, or rather weedes, That ••hew the•••• head•• bef••re the better seedes.

Though like a cuning Herbalist you know, Such haue their s••as••ns and their virtues all, Yet if you finde that heerein ought doth grow Vnwh••lesome, ill, I'le h••••l•• it o're the wall. Wh••le others censure gl••dly w••e do heare, Your iudgment onely puts v•• in a fea••e.

To Maister Christopher Sherland of Graies Inne. Epigram 34.

BEloued Sir, since you haue followed me, In your vnthought of Iourney thorough France, The lower Belgia and high Germanie, I wish againe it were my happy chance, To follow you, and my estate to raise, By thrift the onely trauaile of our daies.

Vpon an Italian Prouerbe. Epigram 35.

Three women met vpon the market day, Do make a market, (they do vse to say In Italy) and why their ••on••ues do w••••ke, As loud as if an hundred men did talke. Some hea••ing th••, sw••••e, had his wife beene there, And made a fourth, there might haue beene a Faire:

Vpon Hugh. Ep••gram 36.

HVgh should haue gone to Oxfo••d th'other day, But turu'd at Tiborne, and so lost his way.

An Epitaph vpon a Colliar. Epigram 37.

He••re lies the Colliar 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Dash••••, By whom death nothing gain••••, h•• swore; For liuing he was du••t and ashes, And being dead he is no more.

To Maister Micha••l Dr••••••on. Epigram 38.

WHat thinkst thou worthy Mich••el of our Times, When onely Almanack and ball••d rimes Are in request now, where those Worthies be, Who formerly did cherish poesie, Where is Augustus? oh no rather she, Would lend an eare vnto thy Melodie. Sweete poe••resse her s••l••e, where•••• S••rvey and, Our Phoenix Sydney,, E••sex, Comberl••••••? With numbers moe, of whom we are bereft, That scarce a prop th' abandon'd M••s•• ha••h l••ft. But what's the reason? they th••t l••st define For mee, except the same of Aret••n••.

Who one day asked why that Great ones now, Will no•••• ••••••d to Poet••y a••••ow? Re••lied beca••s•• 〈…〉〈…〉 doth suggest, In Poet〈…〉〈…〉. 〈…〉〈…〉 take in h••n••, To Pa••••••••n•• 〈…〉〈…〉

Vpon D••umm•••• Ep••••••am ••9.

DRumme by descent swear•••• he•••• a Gentleman, For•••• fa••her can set stone•• ••••d 〈…〉〈…〉 I••well, And Drumme, as we••l as he, ••epor••s he can, Set stones, but how? in morter with a trowell.

O•• my sel••e. Epigram 40.

I do not loue to ••uild or reare my friends, Beyond dese••t, ••hich rather discommends: Thei•• wor••h and me, and li••e g••••••t ••a••••ons tombe, Keepes some good a••ter-comme••s from a roome.

To Mistris Alice Apsley daughter to the virtuous Lady the L. Apsley. ••••••g••a•• 41.

AS Virgin•• when with dainty singers wea•••••• 〈…〉〈…〉 pl••ce the fai••e••t flower•• in vi••w, So 〈…〉〈…〉 beauty by you•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉, To grace my booke (••aire maide) and honor you.

To Sir Iohn Heueningham. Epigram 4••.

IF Honesty in any one pl••ce rest, She, Si••, hath tane he•• loging in yo•••• b••est.

Vpon Pr••••uso. Epigram 43.

VNstaid Pr••fuso hath run thorough a••l, Almo••t he story o•• the P••o••••••••ll. Long since his portions spent, ••nd o•••• of ••oore••, He doe•• confesse he bea••en wa•• 〈…〉〈…〉. And in a Co••n••ry farre hence I'le be sworne, I saw him all to ••ar••er'd and be torne. Yet s••ea••es, he neue•• with the Hoggs did din••, That'•• true, for none durst t••ust him with their swin••.

Vpon Santomar. Epigram 44.

WHen of my wit Santomar vse w••uld make, My Hop•••• he suckles with vaine p••otestations, Of this and that he will do for my sake, And all to saue hi•• pu••••e (as is the f••••hion:) As if by fauour of his P••inc•• he rise, I as his braunch withall my head ••••••ll rear••; Or if his old and wealthy father d••••s•• My Fortunes then are made, I need not feare••

Keepe to himselfe his Hypothetique Tone, Giue me the Catego••ique, or ••lse non••.

To Ems••••. Epigram 45.

EMson thou onc•• in Dutch wouldst court a wench, But to thy cost she answer'd thee in French.

Vpon Drug. Epigram 46.

THe Cuckold Drug a chymicall professor, Once with his wife a wager venture would, Hee'ld ride to Stanes and backe ere she could dresse her. From head to foote, make al the hast she could. They both agreed, away then rid the mo••e, While she dre••s'd him, and rid as fast at home.

Vpon my ••riend a certaine Yeoman of Norfolk. ••pigram 47.

A Norfolke Yeoman faine E••quire would be, And one day ask'd me what an Armes would co••t: Desert, qu••th I, must winne gentility; Or e••se both labo•••• and you•• monie's l••st. Ye•• say but wherein you haue well deserued, Perh•••••• I ca••se the Herald stand your friend, My ••art (quoth he) now thrice the king hath serued.

And once I was a pikeman at Mile-end•• Then would I wish (quoth I) your arm••s might be, The bloudie pike, and broken Axel-tree. And for your cr••st, the law of Armes allow'th, A Tumbler with a dumpling in his mouth.

Vpon Sir Hugh. Epigram 48.

A Free-schoole Maister in a Country Towne, For••s Idlenesse was brought bef••••e the Maior; W••o wi••h his Brethren, each in's Fo••-••u••r'd gowne, Examind him one day vpon their Fai••e. And ••old him how ••he neighbours did complaine Abhominably of his negligence, And that within a while he must be fa••e Prouide him el••ewhere, and be packin•• thence. An Alderman who seemed was his friend, This hearing, humble Maister Maior did pray, He might stay still, because he could commend Hi•• diligence, what ••'re the rest did say. For (I quoth he) haue three boies of mine owne, And towardly who sons though I say't that should not, That now these ten yeares with Sir H••gh haue gone•• And at their comming first v••to h•••• ••ould not One line or letter of the Booke•• but now They haue so profit••d, that (by my say) I'le venter on their heads my brin••led ••ow With any Boy at dust-point they s••all play, ('Tis much quoth Maister Maior) ••ay more then that, Take them who dares at nine-ho••••••, cardes or ca••.

To my kind and learned friend Maister Owen Hughes of Remerston•• in N. Epigram 49.

THere was a time when all ••ur songes and tales, O•• Welch••••en, Sir, were made and of your Wales: But since w•• see those times ar•• altered so, That now for wond••ous honest men yee go••

To some kinde of Readers. Epigram 50.

THis booke of min•••• liken to a glasse, Wherein the foole may looke and laugh his fill: He ha••in•• done 〈◊〉〈◊〉, R••ader••, as yee passe, Heere take and vse it as long as you will.

To Maister Sam. Simson ••ellow of Trinitie Colledge in Cambridge. Epigram 51.

SO let me Sir of heauen beloued bee, As I do loue my N••••se your Trinitie; Whereof I was a memb••••, bleedin•• yet, To thi••ke how 〈…〉〈…〉 from it: But wholy not diuided th••ugh in part, Since (fellowes) yet am••n••••t y•••• li••e•• my heart.

Vpon Septimio. Epigram 52.

SEptimio with strong arguments aver••es, That women are your onely counsellors. And ••hewes examples out of antique stories; What Troph••••••s haue beene reared to 〈◊〉〈◊〉 glories. What States and goodly commonwea•••••••••• w••••e seene, Where onely women haue commanders beene. Septimius, il'•• ••o women heere dispraise, Yet thus much say, hadst thou in th•••••• our d••ies, By some bene rul'd, for all thy reasoning thus, Tiborne had put thee to a foule 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Vpon Sir Lanfranke and his dog. Epigram 53.

SIr Lanfrankes dog a Capon toasted wh••t, At a Lords tab••e out the dish had got•• Enquiry m••••e when all wer•• set to di••e, Wh••••e sawcy cu••re it was (quoth 〈◊〉〈◊〉) mine; I pra•• your Lordship not offended 〈◊〉〈◊〉, I vse 〈◊〉〈◊〉 dog as Courtier, do•• q••oth ••e, Their followe••s he ge••t••th n••u••••t 〈…〉〈…〉, I giue ••••m count••nance, and so let him 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

To the Nobly dispos••d and ••••••••ly Honora∣bly minded Sir Thomas Southwell.

Epigram 54.

HOw euer Heauens haue sorted my estate, They neuer, sir, could make me yet ingrate•• Or to forget (much lesse abuse) the bow, From whence I pluck'd the mellow peare but now•• Like the ba••e meane, who beside their food, Will ••en•• off armes, and carrie 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the wood. No, with respect ••••e euer bl••sse the tree, Whose fruite hath fed, or shelt•••• shaded me•• Nor••olk the noblest plant in all thy countie, For euen vp••••ght••es, s••l••d ••ea••t, and bou••ti••.

To the onely sauourer of the Muse and all Excellencie, Maister Dru Drurie of Riddlesworth. Epigram 55.

BEloued Sir, I oft haue thought vpon, But neuer saw, as ye••, your Helicon, Where with the Muses sole you sit retired, And most vnseene when you are most admired.

To either Vniuersitie, Epigram 56.

INdulgent Mother and kind * Aunt•• no where Throughout all Europe ••ind I such a paire, Of matchles Sisters, who (〈…〉〈…〉 sayd, Of English beauties) all the world vpbraid

With your transcendent worths, and daze the ei•• Of wonders selfe with loue and maiesty. That Salama••ca nor the Oliue vale, Th•• f••m'd Conimbra in burn'd Portugale, Appollo'•• garden by the banke•• of Po, Paris (our Harries sometimes) Luge nor Ley, Do better heare in other landes, ••hen ••ee. From whose faire brestes those sacred Springs arise, That tu••ne our ••le ••nto a Pa••adise. From whose faire br••sts th••se milkey riuers runne, That thousands feede, else ••housande•• were vndone. Oh were it not t••at so•••• a••e wea••••d too young, And some do suc•• (like Essex calues) too long!

To Perseus. Epigram 57.

GOOd Perseus who venturd'st many a knock, To saue Andromed fr••m the d••eary rock. Though he•• hard hap t'was af••erwa••d to be, In faster bands then when thou s••••st her free.

To my true friend and euery way accom∣plished Maister Wentwoth ••radburie. Epigram 57.

BEloued Sir, if that your Norfolk should, Conceale some one man from the c••mmon view, Who le••••ned Learning iust••y va••ew 〈◊〉〈◊〉, And giue both Artes and all good 〈◊〉〈◊〉 their due. (Not from a vulg••r iudgement and a minde,

That's meerely Norfolk, barten, hard and drie, But from e••p••••••••nce and your skill re••ind By ••••aua••le, ••o••h in ••rance and Italie:) And bad m•• name ••••m from am••ng the rest, Your selfe the Man I presently had ghess'd.

To my Kind friend Captaine Henry Lucy, the Paragon of Chiualry. Epigram 58.

SIr, if true ••alour with sound honesty, A hart & hand that neuer fail••s his friend, The Bad••es of the br••••est spi••its be, And best that man can euen in man cōmend: I wish I might the whol•• wor••d one day see, Your men to weare them with your liuery.

Vpon Podarges. Ep••g••am 59.

POdar•••••• h••th one onely sonne and heire; An 〈◊〉〈◊〉, which put'•• him in a ••eare, If he were d••••d•• he would bee b••gd by some, Wheref••re he ••oth for learned counsell come To Gru•• his ne••ghbour dwelling on the green, Who of th•••• hundred best in law i•• seene•• Grub doth aduise him to strike vp a match,

With Dol the daughter of his neighbour Patch, Or, for a foole before that he be cited, And lose his land, with speed to get him knigh∣ted.

Vpon Rosimus. Epigram 60.

MIshap•• aswell by water as by land, Our humane f••ailty euery houre attend, With all his wit which man cannot withstand. As may appeare by Rosimus my friend, Who going to Duke Humphries to ••up, Was on the Thames by Baylies snapped vp.

Vpon Sir R. Epigram 61.

HIs wife or seruant to be halfe a foole, A knight I know by London, wi••he••h of••: But what's his reason•• ma••ty Sir O Toole, Himselfe would make the other halfe, tis thought.

To Maister Bartholomew H••les Iustice of the pea•••• ••n the towne of Warwicke.

Epigram 62.

WHethersoeuer Sir, it be my chance, To see your ••ace yet once again, or no•• You euer liue in my rememberance. And since I cann•••• pay the debt I ow To your desert•• yet will I h••u•• it told, To one vnthankfull you gaue not your gold:

To Maister Thomas Townsend of Testerton. Epigram 63.

RIght worthy sir, for that respect and cheere, I found at your comparelesse Testerton, With my best friends I do inuite you heere. Vnto our Muses mea••e collation. Which far your bounteous entertaine put downe, The only best housekeeper in your towne.

Vpon Gemma. Epigram 64.

HIs orders Gemma quite hath throwne away, And turnd in colours roaring Boy, they say••

His friends though thinke hee'le preach and pray agen, His clarke the Hangman but must say Amen.

To Anthony my Stationer. Epigram 65.

A Souldier, Scholler, and an honest man, I euer loued Anthon•• as life: Thou art no Souldier, but a••t honest, whan We know for certaine that thou hadst a wife, And I dare sweare by sacred Hip••oc••ene, Thou wantst no learning (in thy shop I meane.)

Vpon Gloriosos house. Epigram 66.

SEe yee yon braue house which Glorioso built, Another Babell to diuulge hi•• name, Or rather Bable with the tu••••et•• guilt, An hundred smokeles chymneies in the same, Whose frontispice is window all and glasse, That doth both high-way & the town affront, As if it bade obeisance to the Asse Sir Coun••er-Puffe who is the owner on't. You'ld little thinke that Barley and the Beant, Affordes their purest manchet when they dine; And that their only curre is growne so leane, He is not able for to hold a Swine, While he and••s Mule lie in the Citty stabled, All winter long t' auoid the parish poore;

His coltes and groomes though yonder still are tabled•• The dog, a girle, the shepheard, and no more.

Vpon the God-dammee's band. Epigram 67.

WHat is the reason of God-dammee's band Inch deepe, and that his fashion doth not alter? God-dammee saues a labour, vnderstand, In pulling't off when he puts on the halter:

Vpon two Ladi••s. Epigram 68.

TWo Citty Ladies pendants of the Court, Where late I liu'd, did commonly resort; And in the garden one day as they walked, Thus gathering flowers each to either talked•• What liues (good Lord) these Country creatures leade, O're one of vs within the Citty bred? What dainty flowers, what arbors, walkes, and trees, Poore soules they haue; and looke where stand the bees•• Goodnesse a mee, see Madam where Thrist growes, My Sweet-hart loues not it shold ••ouch his nose•• And by my patience, quoth the other, I A•• ill abide this scuruy Honesty, It beares no flower, nor carrie•• any smell, Yet Country Ladies wear't and like it well.

To my Reader. Epigram 69.

MY Person is another as I list, I now but act the Epigramma••ist.

To my towardly and hopefull Scholer Mai∣ster Edward Chamberlaine of Barnham Broome. Epigram 70.

NED, neuer looke againe those daies to see, Thou liud'st, when thou appliedst thy booke with me, What true affection bare we each to either, How often walking in the fields together: Haue I in Latin giu'n the names to thee, Of this wild Flower, that Bent, this blossom'd tree, This speckled Flie, that Hearb, this water rush. This worme, or weed, the Bird on yonder bush? How often when yee haue beene ask'd a play, With voices viols haue we pass'd the day, Now entertaining those weake* 1.3 aires of mine, Anon the deepe delicious Transalpine, Another while with pencill or with pe••, Haue limnd or drawn our friends pourtaies•• & then Commixing many colours into one, Haue imita••ed some carnation, ••trange field-found flower, or a rare seene flie, •• curious land-schap or a clouded sky?

Then haply wearie of all these would goe, Vnto that“ 1.4 Poeme I haue labourd so: Thus past our leasu••eable howers away; And yee did learne ••uen in the midst of play.

Vpon Corax. Epigram 71.

OLd Corax putting on glassen eine, Bids Trudge his man to reach this booke of mine; And by the fire in his w••eker chaire, (One foote vpon the ••onges) me think I heare Him cough, & say, this Author hath some wit, Pitty hee made no better vse of it.

Vpon Sir Acolastus. Epigram 72.

HOdge art awake, what shall we do to day, To cardes, go drinke, or else go see a play? Not I Goddammee, I was last night drunke, Rogue hold yee this key, & from my truncke, Go fetch me out my sa••••en su••e de Roy, My Mistres bracelet, and de'yee heare me boy, A light, a pipe, and some Tobacco vp, With ale, a to••t, a nut-meg, and a cup:

Let Patricke saddle chest-nut; and bid Meg, Prouide's a dish of butter and an egge. Thus like a mil-horse Acolastus treades The selfe same circle, and this life he leade••, Saue when he heares perhaps the sermon bel, He•• keepes his bed, and that day is not well.

Vpon my selfe. Ep••gram 73.

LOoke how a Citie Tailor when he make•• A iouiall summer iourney to his mind, In euery Towne will call for ale and cake••, His wife set smiling in her coach be••ind, Rapt with deligh•• to see the pride of May, The frisking lambe••, & green geese by the way.

So now this Spring my merry Muse and I, Must walke the world abroad & take the ai••e, Who at our worke all Winter close did ly; And our decaied spirits go repaire. Then Enuy none our Mirth vpon the way, For once a yeare, Apolo laughe•• they say.

Vpon Mildred. Epigram 74.

MIldred my Ladie Too-goods chambermaid, Hath now her wage•• by her Maister paid, Not quarterly, but duely once a yeare, And in a purse as bigge as she can beare.

Vpon Mend-sh••••. Epigram 75.

MEnd-shoo did wa••e so deepe to dig for roote••, At last he ran himselfe quite or'e ••he bootes.

Vpon Sir Simon Harpax. Epigram 76.

SIr Harpax when a Benefice doth fall, Enqui••es about for him that will giue most•• For meri•• mooues him not a whit at all, But must without it emptie kisse the post. Yet if he feele some farmer gin ••o bite, For's late commenced sonne, he tells him ••ha••, His many yeares true seruice to requi••e, He hath bestow'd the Graunt vpon his man; Who to him goes, agrees & takes the gold, To's Maister vse, when without more ado Re••urning it, and by Sir Harpax ••old, He pockets vp pe••haps a peece or two: Hence Harp••x sweares, among his other shifts, He none preferres but men of passing gif••s.

Vpon Crab. Epigram 78.

CRab being caught, and in the Sergeants power, For shame and anger look'd both red and sower.

To Maister Iohn Browne of Sp••••kes in Tacolneston. Epigram 79.

I Told you, though you haue the world at wil•• To happines there somewhat wanteth still, Which is not (as you haue) to haue a wife, Tha••'s young and passing faire, to leade a life Without disturbe, to haue a perfect health, Abound in chargeles and vnpurchas'd wealth; These are without one, and vnto a mind, Soule-sick, skil-poore, or with ambition blind, Confere no more vnto it's ease, say I, Then do rich curtaines and a Canopie, With pearle and gold embroyder'd all about, Vnto my Lord who lies vpon the gout: Though much content her•• from a man may find, Who can denie? the fo••ntaine is ••he mind, Whence must the soft and siluer streame arise, To fence aswell as feede our Paradise. Then as yee would some ••oodly fabrick r••••re, Lay your foundation sure, the heauenly feare••

And pu••e religion, hereon let be pight, Your liues strong frame that's ••onest and vprigh••, Make ch••ise (a•• studdes) of ••rusty friends that will Like hea••t of oke, not s••rinke for good or ill, Not the rude rout who onely frendship measure As they get by you, and one does them pleasure. Of frendship, these, the base subsistence be, And surfe•• of all ingenuitie, These are the pies that on your peare-tree ••op, But build to ea••e the fruite in Autumne vp, Or these doubl••d throated layes, you find, To ea••e your ••heries, leaue the stones behind: Or haply fill'd their bellies f••om the ••ree, Beray the bow, and so away they fl••e. I then aduise you for to make your light, Behind experience & a fore fore-sight, Sith none knowes what may fall, close co∣uerd lay Vp somewhat to withstand a rainy day. Let artes, good partes, a conscience cleere of sin, Bee your best pride and household stuffe within, Then lest the circle in your center rest, And hold your selfe aboue a monarch blest.

Vpon my selfe. Epigram 80.

I thinke the * 1.5 place that gaue me first my birth, The genius had of epigram and mirth, There famous Moore did his V••opia wright, And thence came Heywoods Epigrams to light,

And then this breath I drew, wherewith (our owne) These shaken leaues about the world are blowne.

Vpon Grantorto. Epigram. 81.

THe morrow after iust, Saint Georges day. Grantorto pi••••ous drunke, sa••e in a di••ch, His handes by••s side, his gelding straid away, His scarlet hose, and doublet very rich, With mudde and mine all beastly raid, and by His feather huge & broad brimm'd hat did ly.

We ask'd the reason of his sitting there, Zounds cause I am King Solomon (quoth hee) And in my throne•• then for the loue we beare, Replied my selfe, vnto your Maiestie, Wee'le pull you out, & henceforth wish your grace Would speak your prouerbs in a warmer place.

Vpon D••••••••. Epigram 8••.

I Du•••••• ask'd as we at supper sate, How long he had liu'd in the married sta••e, Sir, iust (quoth Du••mo) with my wife I met, In the great plague time, I remember yet, And ••ighing, as he would haue burst in twaine, Said•• now almost the thirtieth of her raigne.

To R.H. my iouiall host at Viroche. Epigram 83.

I Wish old Robin that we had thee heere, To lie a little with Sir Rossicleere, He sweares the Persian summers are so whot, That while he drank the Sun did melt the pot: Thou swear'st, in Russia that it freezeth so, That men with sneezing, off their noses throw. He sayes that one day in a skirmish hot, On's rapier point he tooke the flying shot. Thou toldst me how an Irishman was slaine, Shot through the braines, & after seru'd again. He vo'wd that mans flesh was his only meate In Rome, and neither bread not salt could get••

And thou reportedst, how at Remingham, A leaguet was, and thou therein the same, Where th' horse dranke vp so dry a running flood, That some were choak'd with fishes in the mud. He saies the Morgor mus'd how England can, As was himselfe afford so braue a man. Thou in all townes throughout the Netherland, Swearest thou hast swordes lie prest at thy command. Thus at the Tru•••• yee much at one do roame, Saue thou liest neerer, fa••••her hee from home.

Vpon Rinaldo and Reiner. Epigram 84.

RInaldo meeting Reiner in the streete, Deepe in his debt, he thus doth ••einer greete, You know some money is betwixt vs two, That welny now these ten yeares hath beene due•• Quoth Reiner, looking downe vnto his f••ete, I' faith and we will part it, if I see't, But as I liue Rinaldo I find none, As faine as you, I would you had your owne.

Vpon Saburro. Epigram 85.

SAburro now hath sold both house and lands, Exceeding much vpon his gentry stands, Auer••ing how his Ancestrie and name, From Normandi•• in with the conquest came. Saburro should thy gentries plea stand good, Then ••ag and rag might be of gentle blood.

Vpon Milo. Epigram 86.

MIlo beleeues and hath a wager laid, The world will end within these fourteene yeare, By whom or where the mony sh••ll be paid, But if he winnes is Milo's onely feare.

To my ingenious pupill, and most honest atturney Maister Iohn Cock, of Deepham. Epigram 87.

IF Reason be the soule of law, I faine In this point (pupill) would resolued bee, How is it that a statute doth maintaine, That when the law defines the contrarie, Yet reason though far stronger, must giue place; And law against reason carry cleare the case.

To my very friend Maister Thomas Augush. Epigram 88.

VVIth other friend•• I bid you to my feast, Though comming last, yet are you not the least.

Vpon Lodronio. Epigram 89.

LOdronio like a huge Westphaly swine, Lies close and neuer stirres without his doore••, Feedes of the best, drinkes sack and claret wine, And at command'ment hath his lease of whores, That death this hog would stick, the parrish pray, For to his hand hee's soundly sing'd they say.

Vpon Rombo. Epigram 90.

ROmbo doth banne, chase, deepely curse and sweare, And vowes reneng'd o'th parish for to bee, For that his name's not in their Register, Which he so foule a iourney tooke to see, (Not that he is to take vp any landes; And one and twentie, that lost labour were, But of his last abode to bring some hands, To saue him from a burning through the eare) That for it now he must be faine to looke, In Newgate or the Poultry Counter booke.

Vpon Rusco. Epigram 91.

RVsco to London hauing brought his sonne, To bind him prentise, asked of the lad,

What trade best lik'd him, for he must take one, And onely stick to that he chosen had: Then father, if vnto an Alderman, For seuen yeares I were bound, I did not care, So after I my time had seru'd (quoth Io••n) I might be sure for to be Lord Maior.

Vpon Augustus Caesar. Epigram 92.

AVgustus hearing how a Roman knight, Whose goods could not pay halfe his debts, was dead, Yet liuing slept at quiet ••uery night, Sent to his house and needes would buy his bed, Beleeuing sute it had some virtue rare, That in his case could keepe a man from care.

Of a Spaniard and a Hollander. Epigram 93.

AN Hollander and a Spaniard one day met, Within their Inne, and downe to dinner set, Each did begin his country to commend, And rec••on vp the riches it did lend. What ••ay you (quoth the Spaniard) to our land, Where (taking vp an Orenge in his hand) These golden apples thrice a yeare do grow, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 faire as those Hesperides in show, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 they which nimble Atalanta staid, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 it which Paris gaue the Cyprian maid?

〈◊〉〈◊〉 on a Holland cheese by, claps his hand; And in the honor of his Belgick land, Replies, And what can you to Holland say, Of these that yeelds vs thousands * 1.6 thrice a day?

To Sir Ninian Ou••c••••••. Epigram 94••

AS Tarlion when his ••ead was onely seene, The Tire-house doore and Tapistrie betweene, Set all the mulltitude in such a laughter, They could not hold for scarse an houre after, So (Sir) I set y•••• (as I promis'd) ••orth, That all the world may wonder at your worth.

Vpon Albi••••s. Epigram 95.

ALbinus much the other day did blame, Neates-foote his man for haunting common whoores, And somewhere wish'd him get a wife ••or shame, Or else next quarter get him out of doores. A wife (quoth Neates-foote) neuer while I breath, I got one lately, but within this mile, When as I thought to die no other death, For iust her husband tooke vs in the while.

Vpon Methusus. Epigram 96.

MEt••usus asked me why I called him so••, I answere made, because he lou'd the pot, For while Met••usus busie i•• with it, The foole I'me sure's as busie with his wit.

Impresa's. To Maister William R••rd, the glory of our Nation for Musique. Epigram 97.

A Swan set dying, singing, and the word In golden letters, Neuer such a bird.

To my La. M. Epigram 98.

A Scepter Lady, yours within your fist, Your mo•• plaine engli••h, I do what I li••••.

To Maister Doctor D••••l••nd. Epigram 99.

YOur word, Hine ille lach••im••, beneath, A Venice Lute within a laurell wreath.

To my true friend Maister William Frost lately gone for Ireland. Epigram 100.

A Flock of Feld-fares, thine, vpon the coast, Taking their leaue••, and by them, Fare-well Frost.

To honest Rafe. Epigram 101••

AN embleme, R••••e, thou didst request of me, A cudgell lying in an apple tree, Be thine, and since, thou art i'th Gaole•• I heare Thy Po'sie, I am lodged for thi•• yeare.

Epigram 102••

WHy do Sir Iohn, Sir H••ry, and Sir H••gh, All winter long themselues like cucko••es hide, Wi••hin good Townes, and seldome come in view, Saue euery halfe yeare when their rent•• are paid? I do imagine (though but my presumption) They lie at Physick for the Purse consumption.

To the ingenious and excellent in Po••sie Maister Thurstane Smith. Epigram 103.

MY noble Thurstane, I do maruaile much, How thy braue Muse did find her selfe employ'd

In Norwic••, spun she Iersey with the Dutch, O•• lo••t she ought, and so there had it cri'd? May be, she look'd for ••omething in the waggon, Or wish'd to make a speech befo••e the dragon.

To my euer loued scholler Maister H••••∣mond Claxton. Epigram 104.

I Prithy Ham••ond do thy labour spare, To aske me what I lacke, as I do passe Your shop in Cheape, with sir, Heere ••a••tens are, Good three pil'd veluets, taffa••a••, gold lace: But let me Hammond go in quiet by, For thou knowst what I lacke as well as I.

Vpon Dorinda. Epigram 105.

THe faire Dorinda dressed c••p a pie In state, resembles Cambridge Trinitie, Her, her all turret, and of wondrous cunning, Her back-side broade, and front full faire in shew, Onely her teeth stand like old rotten Row.

Vpon Sir Dolphin. Epigram 106.

SIr Dolphin can endure no disgrace, And present death 'tis to giue him the lie,

Yet is he drunke in euery ale-house base, In Tapsters, Whoores, and Tinkers companie.

Vpon Sir Gra••eles. Epigram 107.

WHile grim God-damm••e, at my Ladies table, Chewing the cudde of vengeance still did fit; And (lately bastinado'd) was not able, For melancholy to digest a bi••, But tearing heauen with feareful oathes did threate, The flesh of that base slaue must be his meate; And would haue sayd, A dagger he should bui••, Mistaking swore, A begger he would die.

A Lattin dis••ich which a Frier of Shertogen Bosch in Brabant wrote in my Greeke Testament, while I was busie p••rusing some bookes in their Library, intituled••

Ad Angliam ve••tram. Epigram 108.

ANgelus indiderat, dicas, anne Anglia no••en, Spirituum siquis Lucifer ille fuit.

Thus in English.

Say England, did an Angell christen thee? If any, surely Lucifer wa•• he.

His back being turn'd, I left this behind me, in the first printed page of a faire Arias Montanu•• bible, to re∣quire him.

Ad Syluam D••cis. Epigram 109.

DIcere. Sylua Ducis cur falso nomine, sylu•• Cum ca••••as, sterilis stagnet et om••is ager? Fallor, an in d••••os arb••r mutatur adse••s, In Monachum stipes qu••m stipe vulgus ali••.

Which is in English,

Why falselie art thou•• call'd the Dukes-wood, when Thou hast no woods, and all thy feildes are fenne? Thy Trees (I ghe••se) are turn'd to sainted stocks, And begging Friers haue robb'd thee of thy blocks.

Vpon Ell•••• Epigram 110.

FRom Norwich e're since Ello had his wife, He neuer led one minute quiet life, For if but steppes with friends to drinke, he sweares She comming beates the po••s about his eares, Or if the Hos••esse in his presence be, Downe go the windowes, and yee rogue, saies she, Faith haue I found your haunt, what close with her, Directly home yee foule toad••bellied curre: Haue patience Ello, who knew euer yet, B••t that a piece of No••wich stuffe would fret?

Epigram 111.

I One thing Coriat like, whe•• I was ouer, Obs••ru'd in Andwarp, Arnhem, and Scon••ouer Among the Du••ch, which was they write aboue, Inne doores, the name (as euery man did loue) Of seuerall beeres within the house t••ey haue, As R••••mers, Wesops Andwarps, and the ••ra••, With Delfts, Breda's, Lubbs, Boga••'••, Engl••sh, and As many ••orts as Cities in the land. Yet though the beere of sund••y natures be, In their being drunke no difference did •• see.

Vpon Apodemon. Epigram 112.

GReat Apodemon surely much hath seene, Since in all l••nde•• he vnder heauen ha••h beene; And can of ••••tch as readily relate, Their liuing lawes, their boundes, their wealth and star•• As if in twice twelue houres he had gone, With Sol the worlds bounds in procession. Arabi•• much be praiseth for her smell••, Persis ••o•• silkes, her gemmes and pearly shells; For poo••e and barren then he doth condemne, The land of Iury with Hierusalem, Virginia, he likes not, cause their aire is f••ggy, Swede's rich in siluer, Hungary in gold, E••gland is temp' rate, Muscouie's too cold, But since the pox some few daies since he got, He neuer ••els how Fran••e he found too hot••

Vpon Saint Maries Steeple. Epigram 113.

SAint Maries steeple's vp and ready soone, But Paules 'tis thought will lie abed till noone••

Vpon Oenopolio. Epigram 114.

ERewh••le there was in Nigers streame (I read) A Iewell found of price inualued. For Nature this, one rude and massy stone, Had cemented of euery pretious one, To shew her skill or make some finder, poore For wealth, to equall the greatst Emperour. The Diamo••d disdaining borrowed light, Was heere ioyn'd with the golden Chrysolite,, The Iacyn••th mixed with the Sa••byre blew, The Topaze Rubie with his fiery hew: He••re Opals Emeralds of glassy greene, The Sardonyx with Nigers Pearles were seene: I neuer saw this wonder, but suppose, It much resembled Oenopolio's nose.

Vpon Furno. Epigram 115.

FVrno (ith gaole) commends the dayes of old, And those same times, our Poets say, were gold,

His fate vpbraiding which did giue him birth, In this worst age of iron, when from earth, A••trea's fled (his) valour wants regard, Religion practise, learning her reward, An iron age indeed that Furno fe••••es, When iron hourely followe•• him at heeles••

Vpon a Duch Boore, and his answere to Charles the fif••. Epigram 116.

THe famous Charles when hauing lost his way, By Hessens Lan••graue Maurice hard pursu'd, And all a winters rainy night did s••ray, He knew not whither thorough thick••ts rude, He saw a light, the dwelling of a Boo••e, And thither rode and knocked at his doore.

And calling to him kenneld in his bed, In gentle wise did craue the time of night; Tis all by three, in churlish wise he sayd; The Emperour asking how he knew so right Without a clock, Gots sacreloten, how (Replied the Boore) ••••skellam, pi••••'d but ••ow.

Vpon Theorbo. Epigram 117.

THeorbo both in earnest and in sport. Must beare a part in euery company; And will be heard the loudest in consort,

〈◊〉〈◊〉 s••ldome mute or out of tune is he, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••hen he wants a case vnto his back, Or fe••res (at Tyborne) a base string to crack.

Vpon Taurus. Epigram 118.

I'St true that Taurus late hath lost his wit? How can that be when neuer he had it? I could beleeue it, had he fought a fray, And so perhaps his fingers cut away.

Vpon Sir Tristram. Epigram 129.

SEe yee Sir Tristram yonder on the stage, With the huge feather and his snout-faire page, A fearefull neate•• tongue hanging by his side, With a stilletta to his girdle tied, The very same whom Druso's prentise met, The other day and challeng'd for a d••bt Some nine yeares owing; when Sir Tristra•• drew, And in his furie at the prentise flew, Who mildly crau'd a word within his eare, (For shame, ••aid he, it is to quarrell heere) And 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••••emselues they might but next day meete, In Fi••soury, where he hit debt should quit By valour, or be lyable to it. It was ag••eed, next morrow both gone out, Met, drawne, and ready for to haue about, How long to fence, quoth Tristram, hast thou gone, S••••uen ye••res, quoth' prentise: twenty now ••nd one,

My sword, sayd Tri••••ra••, haue I practised: Th••n he••re me fellow, it may not be ••ayd, I euer wrong'd thee (for by all the God••, A gentleman •• am, and scorne the oddes,) Go four••te••ne yeares yet longer to thy fenc••, I'le meete thee heere ag••ine two seuen yeares ••••nc•••• On equall termes, and then God-damme•• ••ight, And by this hand-la do thee any right.

Epigram 120.

SArtor at Leyde•• hath commenc'd, they say, And come a leaden Doctor thence away.

To my very worthy and honest ••riend Maister Robert Constable of Hingham, high Constable of the hundred of Foreh••w. Epigram 121.

As pretious wares we see are often wrapt In paper•• small, so farc•• it with me now, Who in these leaues my deares•• loue haue lapt And sent it as a token vnto you, Who of a Constable deseru•• to be, A Iustice for your brain•• and honestie.

Epigram 122.

GReat Bomb••s heire, whose golden suite and face•• Shew like a Citterne in •• guilded case,

〈1 page〉〈1 page〉

••••igr•••• 127.

NO dull conceite, no left th••t'•• p••••••e 〈…〉〈…〉 No halting feete, or te••mes ••hat be obs•••••••• ••ome neer•• my vers•••• those graces I resign••, ••o Cherilus and foule mouth'd Areti••e: For as my mind is merry, honest, fre•• I't•• image, so my veine ••nd verse•• be••.

FINIS.

Notes

• * 1.1

  A goodly Armory of as any in all Norfolk, with an excel∣lent fur••ish••d Library cho••se bookes, and very rare antiqui∣ties.
• * 1.2

  The ••raue and beautifull Gen••lewoman his wife, daugh∣ter to the Lord Borough, vnto whom he was lately married.
• * 1.3

  A set of 4 and 5 partes of the Authors re••dy for the presse.
• “ 1.4

  A second volume of Emblemes, done into Latine verse with their pictures.
• * 1.5

  Northmimmes in Hertfordshire neere to Saint Albanes.
• * 1.6

  For in Holland as oft as they milke they make their ••••eeses, which is thrice a day: