Bartholmew fayre : a comedie, acted in the yeare, 1614 by the Lady Elizabeths seruants, and then dedicated to King Iames, of most blessed memorie ; The diuell is an asse : a comedie acted in the yeare, 1616, by His Maiesties seruants ; The staple of newes : a comedie acted in the yeare, 1625, by His Maiesties seruants by the author, Beniamin Iohnson.

ACT. V. SCENE. II.

IVSTICE. WIN-WIFE. GRACE. QVAR∣LOVS. PVRE-CRAFT.

THis later disguise, I haue borrow'd of a Porter, shall carry me out to all my great and good ends;

The Iustice comes in like a Porter.

which how euer interrup∣ted, were neuer destroyed in me: neither is the houre of my seue∣rity yet come, to reueale my selfe, wherein cloud-like, I will breake out in raine, and haile, lightning, and thunder, vpon the head of enormity. Two maine works I haue to prosecute: first, one is to inuent some satisfaction for the poore, kinde wretch, who is out of his wits for my sake, and yonder I see him comming, I will walke aside, and proiect for it.

WIN.

I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that hee returnes not, it may be he is strucke in here to seeke vs.

GRA.

See, heere's our mad-man againe.

QVA.

I haue made my selfe as like him, as his gowne, and cap will giue me leaue.

Quarlous in the habit of the mad-man is mis∣taken by M^rs Pure-craft.

PVR.

Sir, I loue you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.

WIN-W.

How! my widdow in loue with a mad-man?

PVR.

Verily, I can be as mad in spirit, as you.

QVA.

By whose warrant? leaue your canting. Gentlewoman, haue I found you? (saue yee, quit yee, and multiply yee) where's your booke? * 1.1 'twas a sufficient name I mark'd, let me see't, be not afraid to shew't me.

GRA.

What would you with it, Sir?

QVA.

Marke it againe, and againe, at your seruice.

GRA.

Heere it is, Sir, this was it you mark'd.

QVA.

Palemon? fare you well, fare you well.

WIN-W.

How, Palemon!

GRA.

Yes faith, hee has discouer'd it to you, now, and there∣fore 'twere vaine to disguise it longer, I am yours, Sir, by the be∣nefit of your fortune.

WIN-W.

And you haue him Mistresse, beleeue it, that shall ne∣uer giue you cause to repent her benefit, but make you rather to thinke that in this choyce, she had both her eyes.

GRA.

I desire to put it to no danger of protestation.

QVA.

Palemon, the word, and Win-wife the man?

PVR.

Good Sir, vouchsafe a yoakefellow in your madnesse, shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that would draw with you, in truth.

QVA.

Away, you are a heard of hypocriticall proud Igno∣rants, rather wilde, then mad. Fitter for woods, and the society of beasts then houses, and the congregation of men. You are the se∣cond part of the society of Canters, Outlawes to order and Disci∣pline, and the onely priuiledg'd Church-robbers of Christendome. Let me alone. Palemon, the word, and Winwife the man?

PVR.

I must vncouer my selfe vnto him, or I shall neuer enioy him, for all the cunning mens promises. Good Sir, heare mee, I am worth sixe thousand pound, my loue to you, is become my racke, I'll tell you all, and the truth: since you hate the hyporisie of the party-coloured brother-hood. These seuen yeeres, I haue beene a wilfull holy widdow, onely to draw feasts, and gifts from my in∣tangled suitors: I am also by office, an assisting sister of the Deacons, and a deuourer, in stead of a distributer of the alms. I am a speciall maker of marriages for our decayed Brethren, with our rich wid∣dowes; for a third part of their wealth, when they are marryed, for the reliefe of the poore elect: as also our poore handsome yong Virgins, with our wealthy Batchelors, or Widdowers; to make them steale from their husbands, when I haue confirmed them in the faith, and got all put into their custodies. And if I ha' not my bargaine, they may sooner turne a scolding drab, in to a silent Minister, then make me leaue pronouncing reprobation, and damna∣tion vnto them. Our elder, Zeale-of-the-land, would haue had me, but I know him to be the capitall Knaue of the land, making him∣selfe rich, by being made Feoffee in trust to deceased Brethren, and coozning their heyres, by swearing the absolute gift of their inhe∣ritance. And thus hauing eas'd my conscience, and vtter'd my heart, with the tongue of my loue: enioy all my deceits together. I beseech you. I should not haue reuealed this to you, but that in time I thinke you are mad, and I hope you'll thinke mee so too, Sir?

QVA.

Stand aside, I'le answer you, presently. * 1.2 Why should not I marry this sixe thousand pound, now I thinke on't? and a good trade too, that shee has beside, ha? The tother wench, Winwife, is sure of; there's no expectation for me there! here I may make my selfe some sauer, yet, if shee continue mad, there's the question. It is money that I want, why should I not marry the money, when 'tis offer'd mee? I haue a License and all, it is but razing out one name, and putting in another. There's no playing with a man's fortune! I am resolu'd! I were truly mad, an' I would not! well, come your wayes, follow mee, an' you will be mad, * 1.3 I'll shew you a warrant!

PVR.

Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire.

IVS.

Sir, let mee speake with you.

QVA.

By whose warrant?

IVS.

The warrant that you tender, and respect so; Iustice Ouer∣doo's! I am the man, friend Trouble-all, though thus disguis'd (as the carefull Magistrate ought) for the good of the Republique, in the Fayre, and the weeding out of enormity. Doe you want a house or meat, or drinke, or cloathes? speake whatsoeuer it is, it shall be supplyed you, what want you?

QVA.

Nothing but your warrant.

IVS.

My warrant? for what?

QVA.

To be gone, Sir.

IVS.

Nay, I pray thee stay, I am serious, and haue not many words, nor much time to exchange with thee; thinke what may doe thee good.

QVA.

Your hand and seale, will doe me a great deale of good; nothing else in the whole Fayre, that I know.

IVS.

If it were to any end, thou should'st haue it willingly.

QVA.

Why, it will satisfie me, that's end enough, to looke on; an' you will not gi' it mee, let me goe.

IVS.

Alas! thou shalt ha' it presently: I'll but step into the Scriueners,

The Iustice goes out.

hereby, and bring it. Doe not go away.

QVA.

Why, this mad mans shape, will proue a very fortunate one, I thinke! can a ragged robe produce these effects? if this be the wise Iustice, and he bring mee his hand, I shall goe neere to make some vse on't. Hee is come already!

IVS.

and returns.

Looke thee! heere is my hand and seale, Adam Ouerdoo, if there be any thing to be written, aboue in the paper, that thou want'st now, or at any time hereafter; thinke on't; it is my deed, I deliuer it so, can your friend write?

QVA.

Hee vrgeth Mistresse Purecraft.

Her hand for a witnesse, and all is well.

IVS.

With all my heart.

QVA.

Why should not I ha' the conscience, to make this a bond of a thousand pound? now, or what I would else?

IVS.

Looke you, there it is; and I deliuer it as my deede a∣gaine.

QVA.

Let vs now proceed in madnesse.

IVS.

He takes her in with him.

Well, my conscience is much eas'd; I ha' done my part, though it doth him no good, yet Adam hath offer'd satisfaction! The sting is remoued from hence: poore man, he is much alter'd with his affliction, it has brought him low! Now, for my other worke, reducing the young man (I haue follow'd so long in loue) from the brinke of his bane, to the center of safety. Here, or in some such like vaine place, I shall be sure to finde him. I will waite the good time.

Notes

• * 1.1

  He desires to see the booke of Mistresse Grace.
• * 1.2

  He consider with him∣selfe of it.
• * 1.3

  He takes her along with him.

  The Iustice calls him.