The workes of Beniamin Ionson

Act IIII. (Book 4)

Scene I.

PHANTASTE, PHILAVTIA, ARGVRION, MORIA, CVPID.

I Would this water would ariue once, our trauailing friend so com∣mended to vs.

ARG.

So would I, for hee has left all vs in trauaile with expecta∣tion of it.

PHA.

Pray IOVE, I neuer rise from this couch, if euer I thirsted more for a thing, in my whole time of being a courtier.

PHI.

Nor I, I'le be sworne: The very mention of it sets my lips in a worse heate, then if he had sprinkled them with MERCVRY. Reach me the glasse, sirrah.

CVP.

Here, ladie.

MOR.

They doe not peele, sweet Charge, doe they?

PHI.

Yes, a little, Guardian.

MOR.

O, 'tis an eminent good signe. Euer when my lips doe so, I am sure to haue some delicious good drinke, or other approching.

ARG.

Mary, and this may be good for vs ladies: for (it seemes) tis far-fet by their stay.

MOR.

My palate for yours (deare Honor) it shall proue most elegant, I warrant you: O, I doe fancy this geare that's long a comming, with an unmeasurable straine.

PHA.

Pray thee sit downe, PHILAVTIA, that rebat•• becomes thee singularly.

PHI.

Is't not queint?

PHA.

Yes faith. Me thinkes, thy seruant HEDON is nothing so obse∣quious to thee, as he was wont to be; I know not how, hee's growne out of his garbe a late, hee's warpt.

MOR.

In trunesse, and so me thinkes too; hee's much conuerted.

PHI.

Tut, let him bee what hee will, 'tis an animall I dreame not of. This tire (me thinkes) makes me looke very ingeniously, quick, and spiri∣ted, I should be some LAVRA, or some DELIA, me thinkes.

MOR.

As I am wise (faire Honors) that title shee gaue him, to bee her Ambition, spoild him: Before, hee was the most propitious and obseruant young nouice—

PHA.

No, no, you are the whole heauen awry, Guardian: 'tis the swag∣gering coach-horse ANAIDES, drawes with him there, has beene the di∣uerter of him.

PHI.

For CVPIDS sake, speake no more of him; would I might ne∣uer dare to looke in a mirror againe, if I respect ere a marmaset of them al, otherwise, then I would a feather, or my shittle-cock, to make sport with, now and then.

PHA.

Come, sit downe; troth (and you be good Beauties) let's runne ouer 'hem all now: Which is the properst man amongst them? I say, the trauailer, AMORPHVS.

PHI.

O, fie on him, he lookes like a venetian trumpetter, i' the bat∣taile of Lepanto, in the gallerie yonder; and speakes to the tune of a coun∣trey ladie, that comes euer i' the rereward, or traine of a fashion.

MOR.

I should haue iudgement in a feature, sweet Beauties.

PHA.

A bodie would thinke so, at these yeeres.

MOR.

And I preferre another now, far before him, a million at least.

PHA.

Who might that be, Guardian?

MOR.

Mary (faire Charge) ANAIDES.

PHA.

ANAIDES! you talk't of a tune PHILAVTIA, there's one speakes in a key: like the opening of some Iustices gate, or a poste-boies horne, as if his voice fear'd an arrest for some ill wordes it should giue, and were loth to come forth.

PHI.

I, and he has a very imperfect face.

PHA.

Like a sea-monster, that were to rauish ANDROMEDA from the rocke.

PHI.

His hand's too great too, by at least a strawes breadth

PHA.

Nay, he has a worse fault then that, too.

PHI.

A long heele?

PHA.

That were a fault in a ladie, rather then him: No, they say, hee puts off the calues of his legs, with his stockings, euery night.

PHI.

Out vpon him: turne to another of the pictures, for loues sake. What saies ARGVRION? whom doo's shee commend, afore the rest?

CVP.

I hope, I haue instructed her sufficiently for an answere.

MOR.

Troth, I made the motion to her ladiship for one to day, i' the presence, but it appear'd shee was other-waies furnisht before: Shee would none.

PHA.

Who was that, ARGVRION?

MOR.

Mary, the poore plaine gentleman, i' the blacke, there.

PHA.

Who, CRITES?

ARG.

I, I, he. A fellow, that no body so much as lookt vpon, or re∣garded, and shee would haue had me done him particular grace.

PHA.

That was a true tricke of your selfe, MORIA, to perswade AR∣GVRION, to affect the scholer.

ARG.

Tut, but shee shall be no chuser for me. In good faith, I like the citizens sonne there, ASOTVS, mee thinkes, none of them all come neere him.

PHA.

Not, HEDON?

ARG.

HEDON, in troth no. HEDON'S a pretty slight courtier, and he weares his clothes well, and sometimes in fashion; Mary, his face is but indifferent, and he has no such excellent body. No, th'other is a most delicate youth, a sweet face, a streight body, a well proportion'd legge and foot, a white hand, a tender voice.

PHI.

How now, ARGVRION?

PHA.

O, you should haue let her alone, shee was bestowing a copy of him vpon vs. Such a nose were inough to make me loue a man, now.

PHI.

And then his seuerall colours he weares; wherein he flourish∣eth changeably, euery day.

PHA.

O, but his short haire, and his narrow eyes!

PHI.

Why, shee dotes more palpably vpon him, then ere his father did vpon her.

PHA.

Beleeue mee, the young gentleman deserues it. If shee could dote more, 'twere not amisse. Hee is an exceeding proper youth, and

would haue made a most neate barber-surgeon, if hee had beene put to it in time.

PHI.

Say you so? me thinkes, he lookes like a taylour alreadie.

PHA.

I, that had sayed on one of his customers sutes. His face is like a squeezed orange, or—

ARG.

Well, ladies, jest on: the best of you both would be glad of such a seruant.

MOR.

I, I'le be sworne would they, though hee be a little shame-fac'd.

PHA.

Shame-fac'd, MORIA! out vpon him. Your shame-fac'd seruant is your onely gull.

MOR.

Goe to, Beauties, make much of time, and place, and occasion, and opportunitie, and fauourites, and things that belong to 'hem, for I'le ensure you, they will all relinquish; they cannot indure aboue another yeere; I know it out of future experience: and therefore take exhibition, and warning. I was once a reueller my selfe, and though I speak it (as mine owne trumpet) I was then esteem'd—

PHI.

The very march-pane of the court, I warrant you?

PHA.

And all the gallants came about you like slyes, did they not?

MOR.

Goe to, they did somewhat, that's no matter now.

PHA.

Nay, good MORIA, be not angrie. Put case, that wee foure now had the grant from IVNO, to wish our selues into what happie estate wee could? what would you wish to be, MORIA?

MOR.

Who I? Let me see now. I would wish to be a wise woman, and know all the secrets of court, citie, and countrie. I would know what were done behind the arras, what vpon the staires, what i' the garden, what i' the Nymphs chamber, what by barge, & what by coach. I would tel you which courtier were scabbed, and which not; which ladie had her owne face to lie with her a-nights, & which not; who put off their teeth with their clothes in court, who their haire, who their complexion; and in which boxe they put it. There should not a Nymph, or a widdow be got with childe i' the verge, but I would guesse (within one or two,) who was the right father: and in what moneth it was gotten; with what words; and which way. I would tell you, which Madame lou'd a Monsieur, which a player, which a page; who slept with her husband, who with her friend, who with her gentleman-vsher, who with her horse-keeper, who with her monkie, and who with all. Yes, and who jigg'd the cocke too.

PHA.

Fye, you'ld tell all,

MORIA.

If I should wish now, it should bee to haue your tongue out. But what sayes PHILAVTIA? who would she be?

PHI.

Troth, the verie same I am. Onely I would wish my selfe a lit∣tle more command, and soueraignetie; that all the court were subiect to my absolute becke, and all things in it depending on my looke; as if there were no other heauen, but in my smile, nor other hell, but in my frowne; that I might send for any man I list, and haue his head cut off, when I haue done with him; or made an eunuch, if he denyed mee: and if I saw a bet∣ter

face then mine owne, I might haue my doctor to poyson it. What would you wish, PHANTASTE?

PHA.

Faith, I cannot (readily) tell you what▪ But (mee thinkes) I should wish my selfe all manner of creatures. Now, I would bee an em∣presse; and by and by a dutchesse; then a great ladie of state; then one of your miscelany madams; then a waiting-woman; then your cittizens wife; then a course countrey gentlewoman; then a deyrie maide; then a shepheards lasse; then an empresse againe, or the queene of fayries: And thus I would prooue the vicissitudes, and whirle of pleasures, about, and againe. As I were a shepheardesse, I would bee pip'd and sung too; as a deyrie wench, I would dance at may-poles, and make sillabubbes; As a countrey gentlewoman, keep a good house, and come vp to terme, to see motions; As a cittizens wife, bee troubled with a iealous husband, and put to my shifts; (others miseries should bee my pleasures) As a waiting-woman, I would taste my ladies delights to her; As a miscellany madame inuent new tyres, and goe visite courtiers; As a great ladie, lye a bed, and haue courtiers visite mee; As a dutchesse, I would keepe my state: and as an empresse, I'ld doe any thing. And, in all these shapes, I would euer bee follow'd with th' affections of all that see mee. Mary, I my selfe would af∣fect none; or if I did, it should not bee heartily, but so as I might saue my selfe in 'hem still, and take pride in tormenting the poore wretches. Or, (now I thinke on't) I would, for one yeere, wish my selfe one woman, but the richest, fairest, and delicatest in a kingdome, the very center of wealth, and beautie, wherein all lines of loue should meet; and in that person I would prooue all manner of suters, of all humours, and of all complexi∣ons, and neuer haue any two of a sort: I would see how Loue (by the po∣wer of his object) could worke inwardly alike, in a cholericke man, and a sanguine; in a melancholique, and a phlegmatique; in a foole, and a wise man; in a clowne, and a courtier; in a valiant man, and a coward: and how he could varie outward, by letting this gallant expresse himselfe in dumbe gaze; another with sighing, and rubbing his fingers; a third, with play-ends, and pittifull verses; a fourth, with stabbing himselfe, and drinking healths, or writing languishing letters in his bloud; a fifth, in colour'd ribbands, and good clothes; with this lord to smile, and that lord to court, and the t'other lord to do••e, and one lord to hang himselfe. And then, I to haue a booke made of all this, which I would call the booke of humours, and euery night reade a little piece, ere I slept, and laugh at it. Here comes HEDON.

Act IIII. Scene II.

HEDON, ANAIDES, MERCVRIE, PHANTASTE, PHILAVTIA, MORIA, ARGVRION, CVPID.

SAue you, sweet and cleere beauties: By the spirit that moues in me, you are all most pleasingly bestow'd, ladies. Onely, I can take it for no good omen, to find mine Honor so deiected.

PHI.

You need not feare, sir, I did of purpose humble my selfe a∣gainst your comming, to decline the pride of my ambition.

HED.

Faire Honor, Ambition dares not stoope; but if it be your sweet pleasure, I shall lose that title, I will (as I am HEDON) apply my selfe to your bounties.

PHI.

That were the next way to distitle my selfe of honor. O, no, rather be still ambitious, I pray you.

HED.

I will be any thing that you please, whilst it pleaseth you to bee your selfe, ladie. Sweet PHANTASTE, deare MORIA, most beautifull ARGVRION—

ANA.

Farewell, HEDON.

HED.

ANAIDES, stay, whither goe you?

ANA.

S'light, what should I doe here? and you engrosse 'hem all for your owne vse, 'tis time for me to seeke out.

HED.

I, engrosse 'hem? Away, mischiefe, this is one of your extra∣uagantiests now, because I began to ••alute 'hem by their names—

ANA.

Faith, you might haue sp••rde vs Madame Prudence, the Guardian there, though you had more couetously aym'd at the rest.

HED.

S'heart, take 'hem all, man: what speake you to me of ayming, or couetous?

ANA.

I, say you so? nay, then, haue at 'hem: ladies, here's one hath distinguish'd you by your names alreadie. It shall onely become me, to aske, How you doe?

HED.

Gods so, was this the designe you trauaill'd with?

PHA.

Who answeres the brazen head? it spoke to some bodie.

ANA.

Lady Wisedome, doe you interpret for these puppets?

MOR.

In truth, and sadnesse (Honors) you are in great offence for this, goe too: the gentleman (I'le vnder-take with him) is a man of faire li∣uing, and able to maintaine a ladie in her two carroches a day, besides pages, munkeys, and parachitos, with such attendants as shee shall thinke meet for her turne, and therefore there is more respect requirable, how∣soere you seeme to conniue. Harke you, sir, let mee discourse a sillable with you. I am to say to you, these ladies are not of that close, and open behauiour, as happily you may suspend; their carriage is well knowne, to be such as it should be, both gentle and extraordinarie.

MOR.

O, here comes the other paire.

Act IIII. Scene III.

AMORPHVS, ASOTVS, HEDON, ANAIDES, MERCVRIE, CVPID, PHANTASTE, PHILAVTIA, ARGVRION, MORIA.

THat was your fathers loue, the Nymph ARGVRION. I would haue you direct all your courtship thither, if you could but en∣deare your selfe to her affection, you were eternally en-gallanted.

ASO.

In truth, sir? pray PHOEBVS I proue fauour-some in her faire eyes.

AMO.

All diuine mixture, and increase of beautie to this bright beuy of ladies; and to the male-courtiers, complement, and courtesie.

HED.

In the behalfe of the males, I gratifie you, AMORPHVS.

PHA.

And I, of the females.

AMO.

Succinctly return'd. I doe vale to both your thankes, and kisse them: but primarily to yours, most ingenious, acute, and polite ladie.

PHI.

Gods my life, how hee doe's all to bee qualifie her! ingenious, acute, and polite? as if there were not others in place as ingenious, acute, and polite, as shee.

HED.

Yes, but you must know, ladie, hee cannot speake out of a di∣ctionarie method.

PHA.

Sit downe, sweet AMORPHVS: When will this water come, thinke you?

AMO.

It cannot now belong, faire ladie.

CVP.

Now obserue, MERCVRY.

ASO.

How? most ambiguous beautie? loue you? that I will by this hand-kercher.

MER.

S'lid, he drawes his othes out of his pocket.

ARG.

But, will you be constant?

ASO.

Constant, Madam? I will not say for constantnesse, but by this purse (which I would be loth to sweare by, vnlesse 'twere embroider'd) I protest (more then most faire ladie) you are the onely, absolute, and vn∣paralelld creature, I doe adore, and admire, and respect, and reuerence in this court, corner of the world, or kingdome: Mee thinkes you are me∣lancholy.

ARG.

Do's your heart speake all this?

ASO.

Say you?—

MER.

O, he is groping for another oth.

ASO.

Now, by this watch (I made how forward the day is) I doe vnfeignedly vow my selfe (s'light 'tis deeper then I tooke it, past fiue) yours entirely addicted, Madame.

ARG.

I require no more, dearest ASOTVS, hence-forth let mee call you mine, and in remembrance of me, vouchsafe to weare this chaine, and this diamond.

ASO.

O god, sweet ladie!

CVP.

There are new othes for him: what? doth HERMES taste no alteration, in all this?

MER.

Yes, thou hast strooke ARGVRION inamour'd on ASOTVS, the thinkes.

CVP.

Alas, no; I am no-body, I: I can doe nothing in this disguise.

MER.

But thou hast not wounded any of the rest, CVPID?

CVP.

Not yet: it is enough that I haue begun so prosperously.

ARG.

Nay, these are nothing to the gems I will hourely bestow vpon thee: be but faithfull, and kind to me, and I will lade thee with my richest bounties: behold, here my bracelets, from mine armes.

ASO.

Not so, good ladie, By this diamond.

ARG.

Take 'hem, weare 'hem: my iewels, chaine of pearle, pendants, all I haue.

ASO.

Nay then, by this pearle, you make me a wanton.

CVP.

Shall not shee answere for this, to maintayne him thus in swearing?

MER.

O, no, there is a way to weane him from this, the gentleman may be reclaim'd.

CVP.

I, if you had the ayring of his apparell, couss', I thinke.

ASO.

Louing? 'twere pitty I should be liuing else, beleeue me. Saue you, sir. Saue you, sweet ladie. Saue you, Monsieur ANAIDES. Saue you, deare Madame.

ANA.

Do'st thou know him that saluted thee, HEDON?

HED.

No, some idle FVNGOSO, that hath got aboue the cup-board, since yesterday.

ANA.

S'lud, I neuer saw him till this morning, and he salutes me as fa∣miliarly, as if we had knowne together, since the deluge, or the first yeere of Troy-action.

AMO.

A most right-handed, and auspicious encounter. Confine your selfe to your fortunes.

PHI.

For sports sake, let's haue some riddles, or purposes; hough.

PHA.

No faith, your prophecies are best, the t'other are stale.

PHI.

Prophecies? we cannot all sit in at them; wee shall make a con∣fusion. No; what calld you that we had in the fore-noone?

PHA.

Substantiues, and Adiectiues. Ist not HEDON?

PHI.

I, that, who begins?

PHA.

I haue thought; speake your Adiectiues, sirs.

PHI.

But doe not you change, then?

PHA.

Not I, who saies?

MOR.

Odoriferous.

PHI.

Popular.

ARG.

Humble.

ANA.

White-liuer'd.

HED.

Barbarous.

AMO.

Pythagoricall.

HED.

Yours, Signior.

ASO.

What must I doe, sir?

AMO.

Giue forth your Adiectiue, with the rest; as, prosperous, good, faire, sweet, well—

HED.

Any thing, that hath not beene spoken.

ASO.

Yes, sir: well-spoken, shall be mine.

PHA.

What? ha' you all done?

ALL.

I..

PHA.

Then the Substantiue is Breeches. Why odoriferous Breeches, Guardian?

MOR.

Odoriferous, because odoriferous; that which containes most varietie of sauour, and smell, we say is most odoriferous: now, Breeches I presume are incident to that varietie, and therefore odoriferous Breeches.

PHA.

Well, we must take it howsoeuer, who's next? PHILAVTIA.

PHI.

Popular.

PHA.

Why popular Breeches?

PHI.

Mary, that is, when they are not content to be generally noted in court, but will presse forth on common stages, and brokers stalls, to the publique view of the world.

PHA.

Good: why humble Breeches? ARGVRION.

ARG.

Humble, because they vse to be sate vpon; besides, if you tie 'hem not vp, their propertie is to fall downe about your heeles.

MER.

Shee has worne the breeches, it seemes, which haue done so.

PHA.

But why white-liuer'd?

ANA.

Why? 'shart, are not their linings white? besides, when they come in swaggering companie, and will pocket vp any thing, may they not properly be said to be white-liuer'd?

PHA.

O, yes, wee must not denie it. And why barbarous, HE∣DON?

HED.

Barbarous, because commonly, when you haue worne your breeches sufficiently, you giue them to your Barber.

AMO.

That's good: but now Pythagoricall?

PHA.

I, AMORPHVS. Why Pythagoricall Breeches?

AMO.

O, most kindly of all, 'tis a conceit of that fortune, I am bold to hug my braine for.

PHA.

How ist, exquisite AMORPHVS?

AMO.

O, I am rapt with it, 'tis so fit, so proper, so happy—

PHI.

Nay, doe not racke vs thus?

AMO.

I neuer truly relisht my selfe, before. Giue me your eares. Bree∣ches Pythagoricall, by reason of their transmigration, into seuerall shapes.

MOR.

Most rare, in sweet troth. Mary, this young gentleman, for his well-spoken—

PHA.

I, why well-spoken Breeches?

ASO.

Well-spoken? mary well-spoken, because—whatsoeuer they speake, is well taken; and whatsoeuer is well taken, is well-spoken.

MOR.

Excellent! beleeue me.

ASO.

Not so, ladies, neither.

HED.

But why Breeches, now?

PHA.

Breeches, quasi beare-riches; when a gallant beares all his ri∣ches in his breeches:

AMO.

Most fortunately etymologiz'd.

PHA.

Nay, we haue another sport afore this, of A thing done, and Who did it, &c.

PHI.

I, good PHANTASTE, let's haue that: Distribute the places.

PHA.

Why, I imagine, A thing done; HEDON thinkes, Who did it ; MORIA, With what it was done; ANAIDES, Where it was done; ARGVRION, When it was done; AMORPHVS, For what cause it was done; you PHILAVTIA, What followed vpon the doing of it; and this gentleman, Who would haue done it better. What? is't conceiu'd about?

ALL.

Yes, yes.

PHA.

The speake you, sir. Who would haue done it better?

ASO.

How! do's it beginne at me?

PHA.

Yes, sir: This play is cal'd the Crab, it goes backward.

ASO.

May I not name my selfe?

PHA.

If you please, sir, and dare abide the venture of it.

ASO.

Then, I would haue done it better, what euer it is.

PHA.

No doubt on't, sir: a good confidence. What followed vpon the act, PHILAVTIA?

PHI.

A few heate drops, and a moneths mirth.

PHA.

For what cause, AMORPHVS?

AMO.

For the delight of ladies.

PHA.

When, ARGVURION?

ARG.

Last progresse.

PHA.

Where, ANAIDES?

ANA.

Why, in a paire of pain'd slops.

PHA.

With what, MORIA?

MOR.

With a glyster.

PHA.

Who, HEDON?

HED.

A trauailer.

PHA.

Then, The thing done was, An oration was made. Rehearse. An oration was made.

HED.

By a trauailer.

MOR.

With a glyster.

ANA.

In a paire of pain'd slops,

ARG.

Last progresse.

AMO.

For the delight of ladies.

PHI.

A few heat drops, and a moneths mirth followed.

PHA.

And, this silent gentleman would haue done it better.

ASO.

This was not so good, now.

PHI.

In good faith, these vnhappie pages would be whipt, for stay∣ing thus.

MOR.

Beshrew my hand, and my heart, else.

AMO.

I doe wonder at their protraction!

ANA.

Pray VENVS, my whore haue not discouer'd her selfe to the ras∣cally hoyes, and that be the cause of their stay.

ASO.

I must sute my selfe with another page: this idle PROSAITES will neuer be brought to wait well.

MOR.

Sir, I haue a kinsman I could willingly wish to your seruice, if you would deigne to accept of him.

ASO.

And I shall bee glad (most sweet ladie) to imbrace him: where is hee?

MOR.

I can fetch him, sir, but I would bee loth to make you turne a∣way your other page.

ASO.

You shall not, most sufficient ladie, I will keepe both: pray you lets goe see him.

ARG.

Whither goes my loue?

ASO.

Ile returne presently, I goe but to see a page, with this ladie.

ANA.

As sure as fate, 't is so; shee has opened all: A poxe of all cocka∣trices. Dam'me, if she haue plai'd loose with me, I'le cut her throat, within a haires breadth, so it may be heal'd againe.

MER.

What, is he jealous of his Hermaphrodite?

CVP.

O, I, this will be excellent sport.

PHI.

PHANTASTE! ARGVRION! what? you are sodainely strooke, me thinkes! for loues sake let's haue some musike, till they come. Ambition, reach the lyra, I pray you.

HED.

Any thing to which my Honour shall direct mee.

PHI.

Come, AMORPHVS, cheare vp PHANTASTE.

AMO.

It shall bee my pride, faire ladie, to attempt all that is in my power. But here is an instrument that (alone) is able to infuse soule in the most melancholique, and dull disposde creature vpon earth. O! let mee kisse thy faire knees. Beauteous eares attend it.

HED.

Will you haue the Kisse, Honour?

PHI.

I, good Ambition.

SONG.

O, That ioy so soone should waste! or so sweet a blisse as a kisse, Might not for euer last! So sugred, so melting, so soft, so delicious, The dew that lyes on roses, When the morne her selfe descloses, is not so precious.

O, rather then I would it smother, Were I to taste such another; It should bee my wishing That I might dye kissing.

HED.

I made this dittie, and the note to it, vpon a kisse that my Ho∣nour gaue me; how like you it, sir?

AMO.

A prettie ayre, in generall, I like it well: but in particular, your long die-note did arride me most, but it was somwhat too long. I can shew one, almost of the same nature, but much before it and not so long, in a composition of mine owne. I thinke I haue both the note, and dittie a∣bout me.

HED.

Pray you, sir, see.

AMO.

Yes, there is the note; and all the parts if I mis-thinke not. I will read the dittie to your beauties here, but first I am to make you fami∣liar with the occasion, which presents it selfe thus. Vpon a time, going to take my leaue of the Emperour, and kisse his great hands; there being then present, the kings of France, and Arragon, the dukes of Sauoy, Flo∣rence▪ Orbeance, Bourbon, Brunswicke, the Lantgraue, Count Palatine, all which had seuerally feasted me; besides, infinite more of inferiour persons, as Counts and others it was my chance the Emperour detain'd by some ex∣orbitant affaire) to wait him the fift part of an houre, or much neere it. In which time (retyring my selfe into a bay-window) the beauteous ladie ANNABELL, neece to the Empresse, and sister to the King of Arragon, who hauing neuer before eyde mee, (but only heard the common report of my vertue, learning, and trauaile) fell into that extremitie of passion, for my loue, that shee there immediately swouned: physicians were sent for, she had to her chamber, so to her bed; where (languishing some few daies) after many times calling vpon me, with my name in her lips, she expirde. As that (I must mourningly say) is the onely fault of my fortune, that, as it hath euer beene my hap to be sew'd to, by all ladies, and beauties, where I haue come, so, I neuer yet sojourn'd, or rested in that place, or part of the world, where some high-borne admirable faire feature died not for my loue.

MER.

O, the sweet power of trauaile! are you guiltie of this, CVPID?

CVP.

No, MERCVRIE, and that his page (COS) knowes, if he were here present to be sworne.

PHI.

But, how doth this draw on the dittie, sir?

MER.

O, she is too quicke with him; he hath not deuis'd that yet.

AMO.

Mary, some houre before she departed, she bequeath'd to mee this gloue; which golden legacie, the Emperour himselfe tooke care to send after me, in sixe coaches, couer'd all with blacke vellet, attended by the state of his empire; all which he freely presented mee with, and I recipro∣cally (out of the same bountie) gaue to the lords that brought it: only re∣seruing the gift of the deceas'd ladie, vpon which I composde this ode, and set it to my most affected instrument, the lyra.

SONG.

THou more then most sweet gloue, Vnto my more sweet loue, Suffer me to store with kisses This emptie lodging, that now misses The pure rosie hand, that ware thee, Whiter then the kid, that bare thee. Thou art soft, but that was softer; CVPIDS selfe hath kist it ofter, Then e're he did his mothers doues, Supposing her the Queene of loues, That was thy Mistresse, Best of gloues.

MER.

Blasphemie, blasphemie, CVPID.

CVP.

I, I'le reuenge it time inough; HERMES.

PHI.

Good AMORPHVS, let's heare it sing.

AMO.

I care not to admit that, since it pleaseth PHILAVTIA to re∣quest it.

HED.

Heere, sir.

AMO.

After he hath sung.

Nay, play it, I pray you, you doe well, you doe well—How like you it, sir?

HED.

Verie well in troth.

AMO.

But very well? O, you are a meere mammothrept in judgement then. Why, doe you not obserue how excellently the dittie is affected in euerie place? that I doe not marrie a word of short quantitie to a long note? nor an ascending sillable to a descending tone? Besides, vpon the word (best) there, you see how I doe enter with an odde minnum, and driue it thorow the briefe, which no intelligent Musician (I know) but wil affirme to be verie rare, extraordinarie, and pleasing.

MER.

And yet not fit to lament the death of a ladie, for all this.

CVP.

Tut, heere be they will swallow any thing.

PHA.

Pray you let me haue a coppie of it, AMORPHVS.

PHI.

And me too, in troth, I like it exceedingly.

AMO.

I haue denied it to princes, neuerthelesse to you (the true fe∣male twinnes of perfection) I am wonne, to depart withall.

HED.

I hope I shall haue my Honours coppie.

PHA.

Who is return'd from seeking his page.

You are ambitious in that, HEDON.

AMO.

How now, ANAIDES! what is it hath conjur'd vp this distem∣perature in the circle of your face?

ANA.

S'lood, what haue you to doe? A pox vpon your filthie trauai∣ling face, hold your tongue.

HED.

Nay, doo'st heare, mischiefe?

ANA.

Away, muske-cat.

AMO.

I say to thee, thou art rude, debauch't, impudent, coorse, im∣polisht, a frapler, and base.

HED.

Heart of my father, what a strange alteration has halfe a yeeres haunting of ordinaries wrought in this fellow! that came with a tuss-taf∣fa••a ierkin to towne but the other day, and a paire of penilesse hose, and now he is turn'd HERCVLES, he wants but a club.

ANA.

Sir, you with the pencill on your chinne; I will garter my hose with your guts, and that shall be all.

MER.

S'lid, what rare fireworkes be heere? flash, flash.

PHA.

What's the matter HEDON? can you tell?

HED.

Nothing, but that hee lackes crownes, and thinkes weele lend him some, to be friends.

ASO.

Asotus returnes with Moria, and Morus.

Come, sweet ladie, in good truth I'le haue it, you shall not de∣nie me. MORVS, perswade your aunt I may haue her picture, by any meanes.

MOR.

Yes, sir: good aunt now, let him haue it, hee will vse mee the better, if you loue me, doe, good aunt.

MOR.

Well, tell him, he shall haue it.

MOR.

Master, you shall haue it, she saies.

ASO.

Shall I? thanke her, good page.

CVP.

What, has he entertain'd the foole?

MER.

I, heele wait close, you shall see, though the begger hang off, a∣while.

MOR.

Aunt, my master thankes you.

MOR.

Call him hither.

MOR.

Yes, master

MOR.

Yes, in veritie, and gaue me this pursse, and he has promis'd me a most fine dogge; which he will haue drawne, with my picture, he saies: and desires most vehemently to bee knowne to your ladiships.

PHA.

Call him hither, 'tis good groping such a gull.

MOR.

Master ASOTVS, master ASOTVS.

ASO.

For loues sake, let me goe: you see, I am call'd to the ladies.

ARG.

Wilt thou forsake me then?

ASO.

God so, what would you haue me doe?

MOR.

Come hither, master ASOTVS. I doe ensure your ladiships, he is a gentleman of a verie worthie desert: and of a most bountifull nature. You must shew and insinuate your selfe responsible, and equiualent now to my commendment. Good Honors, grace him.

ASO.

I protest (more then most faire ladies) I doe wish all varietie of diuine pleasures, choice sports, sweet musique, rich fare, braue attire, soft beds, and silken thoughts attend these faire beauties. Will it please your ladiship to weare this chaine of pearle, and this diamond, for my sake?

ARG.

O.

ASO.

And you, Madame, this iewell, and pendants.

ARG.

O.

PHA.

Wee know not how to deserue these bounties, out of so slight merit, ASOTVS.

PHI.

No, in faith, but there's my gloue for a fauour.

PHA.

And soone, after the reuells, I will bestow a garter on you.

ASO.

O Lord, ladies! it is more grace then euer I could haue hop'd, but that it pleaseth your ladiships to extend. I protest, it is enough, that you but take knowledge of my—if your ladiships want embroidered gownes, tires of any fashion, rebatu's, iewells, or carkanets, any thing whatsoeuer, if you vouchsafe to accept.

CVP.

And for it, they will helpe you to shooe-ties, and deuices.

ASO.

I cannot vtter my selfe (deare beauties) but, you can con∣ceiue—

ARG.

O.

PHA.

Sir, we will acknowledge your seruice, doubt not: henceforth, you shall bee no more ASOTVS to vs, but our gold-finch, and wee your cages.

ASO.

O VENVS, Madams! how shall I deserue this? if I were but made acquainted with HEDON, now, I'le trie: pray you away.

MER.

How he praies Money to goe away from him!

ASO.

AMORPHVS, a word with you: here's a watch I would be∣stow vpon you, pray you make me knowne to that gallant.

AMO.

That I will, sir. Monsieur HEDON, I must intreat you to ex∣change knowledge with this gentleman.

HED.

'Tis a thing (next to the water we expect) I thirst after, sir▪ Good Monsieur ASOTVS.

ASO.

Good Monsieur HEDON, I would be glad to be lou'd of men of your ranke, and spirit, I protest. Please you to accept this paire of bracelets, sir: they are not worth the bestowing—

MER.

O, HERCVLES, how the gentleman purchases! this must needes bring ARGVRION to a consumption.

HED.

Sir, I shall neuer stand in the merit of such bountie, I feare.

ASO.

O, VENVS, sir; your acquaintance shall bee sufficient. And if at any time you neede my bill, or my bond.

ARG.

Argurion swoune••.

O, Ô.

AMO.

Helpe the ladie there.

MOR.

Gods deare, ARGVRION! Madame, how doe you?

ARG.

Sicke.

PHA.

Haue her forth, and giue her aire.

ASO.

I come againe strait, ladies.

MER.

Well, I doubt, all the physique hee has will scarce recouer her: shee's too farre spent.

Act IIII. Scene IIII.

PHILAVTIA, GELAIA, ANAIDES, COS, PRO∣SAITES, PHANTASTE, MORIA, A∣MORPHVS, HEDON.

O Here's the water come: fetch glasses, page.

GEL.

Heart of my body, here's a coile indeed, with your iea∣lous humours. Nothing but whore, and bitch, and all the vil∣lanous swaggering names you can thinke on? S'lid, take your bottle, and put it in your guts for me, I'le see you poxt ere I follow you any longer.

ANA.

Nay, good punke, sweete rascall; dam' mee, if I am iea∣lous now.

GEL.

That's true indeede: pray let's goe.

MOR.

What's the matter, there?

GEL.

S'light, he has mee vpon intergatories, (nay, my mother shall know how you vse me) where I haue beene? and, why I should stay so long? and, how ist possible? and withall, calls me at his pleasure, I know not how many cockatrices, and things.

MOR.

In truth and sadnesse, these are no good epitaphs, ANAIDES, to bestow vpon any gentlewoman; and (Ile ensure you) if I had knowne you would haue dealt thus with my daughter, she should neuer haue fan∣cied you so deeply, as shee has done. Goe too.

ANA.

Why, doe you heare, mother MORIA. Heart!

MOR.

Nay, I pray you, sir, doe not sweare.

ANA.

Sweare? why? S'lood, I haue sworne afore now, I hope. Both you and your daughter mistake me. I haue not honor'd ARETE, that is held the worthiest ladie in court (next to CYNTHIA) with halfe that ob∣seruance, and respect, as I haue done her in priuate, howsoeuer outward∣ly I haue carried my selfe carelesse, and negligent. Come, you are a foo∣lish, punke, and know not when you are well imploi'd. Kisse me, come on. Doe it, I say.

MOR.

Nay, indeed I must confesse, shee is apt to misprision. But I must haue you leaue it, minion.

AMO.

How now, ASOTVS? how do's the ladie?

ASO.

Faith, ill. I haue left my page with her, at her lodging.

HED.

O, here's the rarest water that euer was tasted: fill him some.

PRO.

What! has my master a new page?

MER.

Yes, a kinsman of the ladie MORIAS: you must waite better now, or you are casheer'd, PROSAITES.

ANA.

Come, gallants, you must pardon my foolish humour: when I am angrie, that any thing crosses mee, I grow impatient straight. Here, I drinke to you.

PHI.

O, that we had fiue, or sixe bottles more of this liquor.

PHA.

Now I commend your iudgement, AMORPHVS, who's that knockes? Looke, page.

MOR.

O, most delicious, a little of this would make ARGVRION well.

PHA.

O, no, giue her no cold drinke, by any meanes.

ANA.

S'lood, this water is the spirit of wine, I'le be hang'd else.

CVP.

Here's the ladie ARETE, Madame.

Act IIII. Scene V.

ARETE, MORIA, PHANTASTE, PHILAVTIA, ANAIDES, GELAIA, COS, PROSAITES, AMORPHVS, ASOTVS, HEDON, MERCVRIE, CVPID.

WHat! at your beuer, gallants?

MOR.

Wilt please your ladiship drinke? tis of the new fountayne water.

ARE.

Not I, MORIA, I thanke you. Gallants, you are for this night free, to your peculiar delights; CYNTHIA will haue no sports: when shee is pleas'd to come forth, you shall haue knowledge. In the meane time, I could wish you did prouide for solemne reuels, and some vnlook't-for deuice of wit, to entertaine her, against she should vouchsafe to grace your pastimes with her presence.

AMO.

What say you to a Masque?

HED.

Nothing better, if the proiect were new, and rare.

ARE.

Why, Ile send for CRITES, and haue his aduice; be you ready in your indeauours: He shall discharge you of the inuentiue part.

PHA.

But, will not your ladiship stay?

ARE.

Not now, PHANTASTE.

PHI.

Let her goe, I pray you, good ladie Sobrietie, I am glad wee are rid of her.

PHA.

What a set face the gentlewoman has, as shee were still going to a sacrifice?

PHI.

O, shee is the extraction of a dozen of Puritans, for a looke.

MOR.

Of all Nymphs i' the court, I cannot away with her; 'tis the coursest thing—

PHI.

I wonder, how CYNTHIA can affect her so aboue the rest! Here be they are euery way as faire as shee, and a thought fairer, I trow.

PHA.

I, and as ingenious, and conceited as shee.

MOR.

I, and as politique as shee, for all shee sets such a fore-head on't.

PHI.

Would I were dead, if I would change to be CYNTHIA.

PHA.

Or I.

MOR.

Or I.

AMO.

And there's her minion CRITES! why his aduice more then AMORPHVS? haue not I inuention, afore him? Learning, to better that

inuention, aboue him? and infanted, with pleasant trauaile—

ANA.

Death, what talke you of his learning? he vnderstands no more then a schoole-boy; I haue put him downe my selfe a thousand times (by this aire) and yet I neuer talkt with him but twice, in my life: you neuer saw his like. I could neuer get him to argue with me, but once, and then, because I could not construe an Author I quoted at first sight, hee went away, and laught at me. By HERCVLES, I scorne him, as I doe the sod∣den Nymph, that was here e'en now, his mistris ARETE: And I loue my selfe for nothing else.

HED.

I wonder the fellow do's not hang himselfe, being thus scorn'd, and contemn'd of vs that are held the most accomplisht societie of gallants!

MER.

By your selues, none else.

HED.

I protest, if I had no musique in me, no courtship, that I were not a reueller and could dance, or had not those excellent qualities that giue a man life, and perfection, but a meere poore scholer as he is, I thinke I should make some desperate way with my selfe, whereas now (would I might neuer breathe more) if I doe know that creature in the kingdome, with whom I would change.

CVP.

This is excellent: well, I must alter all this soone.

MER.

Looke you doe, CVPID. The bottles haue wrought, it seemes.

ASO.

O, I am sorry the reuels are crost. I should ha' tickled it soone. I did neuer appeare till then. S'lid, I am the neatlyest-made gallant i' the companie, and haue the best presence; and my dancing—well, I know what our vsher said to me, lasst time I was at the schoole: would I might haue lead PHILAVTIA in the measures, and it had beene the gods will. I am most worthy, I am sure.

MORVS.

Master, I can tell you newes, the ladie kist mee yonder, and plaid with me, and sayes shee lou'd you once, as well as shee do's me, but that you cast her off.

ASO.

Peace, my most esteemed page.

MORVS.

Yes.

ASO.

What lucke is this, that our reuels are dasht? Now was I be∣ginning to glister, i' the very high way of preferment. And CYNTHIA had but seene me dance a straine, or doe but one trick, I had beene kept in court, I should neuer haue needed to looke towards my friends againe.

AMO.

Containe your selfe. You were a fortunate yong man, if you knew your owne good: which I haue now proiected, and will presently multiply vpon you. Beauties, and Valors, your vouchsaf'd applause to a mo∣tion. the humorous CYNTHIA hath, for this night, with-drawne the light of your de-light—

PHA.

Tis true AMORPHVS, what may we doe to redeeme it?

AMO.

Redeeme that we cannot, but, to create a new flame, is in our power. Here is a gentleman my scholer, whom (for some priuate reasons me specially mouing) I am couetous to gratifie with title of Master, in

the noble, and subtile science of Courtship: For which grace, he shall this night in court, and in the long gallery, hold his publique Act, by open challenge, to all Masters of the mysterie whatsoeuer, to play at the foure choice, and principall weapons thereof, viz. the bare Accost, the better Regard, the solemne Addresse, and the perfect Close. What say you?

ALL.

Excellent, excellent, AMORPHVS.

AMO.

Well, let vs then take our time by the fore-head: I will instant∣ly haue bills drawne, and aduanc'd in euery angle of the court. Sir, be∣tray not your too much ioy. ANAIDES, wee must mixe this gentleman with you in acquaintance, Monsieur ASOTVS.

ANA.

I am easily intreated to grace any of your friends, AMORPHVS.

ASO.

Sir, and his friends shall likewise grace you, sir. Nay, I begin to know my selfe, now.

AMO.

O, you must continue your bounties.

ASO.

Must I? why, I'le giue him this ruby on my finger. Doe you heare, sir? I doe heartily with your acquaintance, and I partly know my selfe worthy of it; please you, sir, to accept this poore ruby, in a ring, sir. The poesie is of my owne deuice. Let this blush for me, sir.

ANA.

So it must for me, too. For I am not asham'd to take it.

MORVS.

Sweet man! by my troth, master, I loue you, will you loue me, too? for my aunts sake? Ile waite well, you shall see. Ile still bee here. Would I might neuer stirre, but you are a fine man in these clothes, Ma∣ster, shall I haue 'hem, when you haue done with them?

ASO.

As for that, MORVS, thou shalt see more hereafter: in the meane time, by this aire, or by this feather, Ile doe as much for thee, as a∣ny gallant shall doe for his page, whatsoeuer, in this court, corner of the world, or kingdome.

MER.

I wonder, this gentleman should affect to keepe a foole! mee thinkes, he makes sport enough with himselfe.

CVP.

Well, PROSAITES, 'twere good you did waite closer.

PRO.

I, Ile looke to it; 'tis time.

COS.

The reuels would haue beene most sumptuous to night, if they had gone forward.

MER.

They must needs, when al the choisest singularities of the court were vp in pantofles; ne're a one of them, but was able to make a whole shew of it selfe.

ASO.

Within.

Sirrah, a torch, a torch.

PRO.

O, what a call is there! I will haue a canzonet made, with no∣thing in it, but sirrah; and the burthen shall be, I come.

MER.

How now, CVPID, how doe you like this change?

CVP.

Faith, the thred of my deuice is crackt, I may goe sleepe till the reuelling musique awake me.

MER.

And ther too, CVPID, without you had preuented the Foun∣tayne. Alas, poore god, that remembers not selfe-Loue, to bee proofe

against the violence of his quiuer! Well, I haue a plot vpon these prizers, for which, I must presently find out CRITES, and with his assistance, pur∣sue it to a high straine of laughter, or MERCVRIE hath lost of his mettall.