The workes of Beniamin Ionson

Act IIII. (Book 4)

Scene I.

FALLACE. FVNGOSO.

WHy, are you so melancholy, brother?

FVNG.

I am not melancholy, I thanke you, sister.

FALL.

Why are you not merrie then? there are but two of vs in all the world, and if wee should not bee comforts one to ano∣ther, god helpe vs.

FVNG.

Faith, I cannot tell, sister, but if a man had any true melancho∣ly in him, it would make him melancholy, to see his yeomanly father cut his neighbours throats, to make his sonne a gentleman: and yet when he has cut 'hem, he will see his sonnes throat cut too, ere he make him a true gentleman indeed, before death cut his owne throat. I must bee the first head of our house, and yet he will not giue me the head till I bee made so. Is any man term'd a gentleman that is not alwayes i'the fashion? I would know but that.

FALL.

If you bee melancholy for that, brother, I thinke I haue as much cause to bee melancholy, as one: for I'le be sworne, I liue as little in the fashion, as any woman in London. By the faith of a Gentlewoman, (beast that I am to say it) I ha'not one friend i'the world besides my hus∣band. When saw you master FASTIDIVS BRISKE, brother?

FVNG.

But a while since, sister, I thinke: I know not well in truth. By this hand, I could fight with all my heart, me thinkes.

FALL.

Nay, good brother, be not resolute.

FVNG.

I sent him a letter, and he writes me no answere neyther.

FALL.

Oh, sweete FASTIDIVS BRISKE! Ô fine courtier! thou art hee mak'st me sigh, and say, how blessed is that woman that hath a cour∣tier to her husband! and how miserable a dame shee is, that hath neyther

husband, nor friend i' the court! O, sweet FASTIDIVS! Ô, fine courtier! How comely he bowes him in his court'sie! how full hee hits a woman betweene the lips when hee kisses! how vpright hee sits at the table! how daintily he carues! how sweetly he talkes, and tels newes of this lord, and of that lady! how cleanely he wipes his spoone, at euery spoonfull of any whit-meat he eates, and what a neat case of pick-tooths he carries about him, still! O, sweet FASTIDIVS! Ô, fine courtier!

Act IIII. Scene II.

DELIRO, MVSICIANS, MACILENTE, FVNGOSO.

SEe, yonder shee is, gentlemen. Now (as euer you'll beare the name of musicians) touch your instruments sweetly, shee has a delicate eare, I tell you: play not a false note, I beseech you.

MVSI.

Feare not, siguior DELIRO.

DELI.

O, begin, begin, some sprightly thing: Lord, how my imagi∣nation labours with the successe of it. Well said, good yfaith! heauen grant it please her. I'le not be seene, for then shee'le be sure to dislike it.

FALL.

Hey—da! this is excellent! I'le lay my life, this is my husbands dotage. I thought so; nay, neuer play peeke-boe with me, I know, you doe nothing but studie how to anger me, sir.

DELI.

Anger thee, sweet wife? why didst thou not send for musicians to supper last night, thy selfe?

FALL.

To supper, sir? now, come vp to supper, I beseech you: as though there were no difference between supper time, when folkes should be merry, and this time when they would be melancholy? I would neuer take vpon me to take a wife, if I had no more iudgement to please her.

DELI.

Be pleas'd, sweet wife, and they shall ha' done: and would to fate, my life were done, if I can neuer please thee.

MACI.

Saue you, lady, where is master DELIRO?

DELI.

Here, master MACILENTE: you are welcome from court, sir; no doubt you haue beene grac't exceedingly of master BRISKES Mi∣stris, and the rest of the ladies, for his sake?

MACI.

Alas, the poore phantasticke! hee's scarce knowne To any lady there; and those that know him, Know him the simplest man of all they know: De••ide, and play vpon his amorous humours, Though he but apishly doth imitate The gallant'st courtiers, kissing ladies pumps. Holding the cloth for them, praising their wits, And seruilely obseruing euery one, May doe them pleasure: fearefull to be seene With any man (though he be ne're so worthy)

That's not in grace with some, that are the greatest. Thus courtiers doe, and these he counterfeits. But sets not such a sightly carriage Vpon their vanities, as they themselues; And therefore they despise him: for indeed Hee's like the Zani, to a tumbler, That tries tricks after him, to make men laugh.

FALL.

Here's an vnthankfull spitefull wretch! the good gentleman vouchsaft to make him his companion (because my husband put him into a few rags) and now see, how the vnrude rascall back-bites him!

DELI.

Is he no more grac't amongst 'hem, then? say you?

MACI.

Faith, like a pawne, at Chesse: fills vp a roome, that's all.

FALL.

O monster of men! can the earth beare such an e••uious caytiffe?

DELI.

Well, I repent me, I e're credited him so much: but (now I see what he is, and that his masking vizor is off) I'le forbeare him no longer. All his lands are morgag'd to me, and forfeited: besides, I haue bonds of his in my hand, for the receit of now fifty pound, now a hundred, now two hundred: still, as he has had a fan but wagg'd at him, he would be in a new sute. Well, I'le salute him by a Sergeant, the next time I see him, yfaith, I'le sute him.

MACI.

Why, you may soone see him, sir, for hee is to meet signior PVNTARVOLO at a Notaries, by the Exchange, presently: where he meanes to take vp, vpon returne—

FALL.

Now, out vpon thee, IVDAS; canst thou not be content to back-bite thy friend, but thou must betray him? wilt thou seeke the vn∣doing of any man? and of such a man too? and will you, sir, get your li∣uing by the counsell of traytors?

DELI.

Deare wife, haue patience.

FALL.

The house will fall, the ground will open, and swallow vs: I'le not bīde here, for all the gold, and siluer in heauen.

DELI.

O, good MACILENTE, let's follow and appease her, or the peace of my life is at an end.

MACI.

Now pease, and not peace, feed that life, whose head bangs so heauily ouer a womans manger.

FALL.

Deliro follow's his wife.

Helpe me, brother: 'ods body, and you come here, I'le doe my selfe a mischiefe.

DELI.

Nay, heare me, sweet wife, vnlesse thou wilt haue mee goe, I will not goe.

FALL.

Tut, you shall ne're ha' that vantage of me, to say, you are vn∣done by me: I'le not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's foure angels, I'le giue you toward your sute: for the loue of gentry, and as euer you came of christen creature, make haste to the water fide (you know where Master FASTIDIVS vses to land) and giue him warning of my hus∣bands malitious intent; & tel him of that lea••e rascals trechery: O heuens!

how my flesh rises at him! nay, sweet brother, make haste: you may say, I vvould haue writ to him, but that necessitie of the time would not permit. He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me: and com∣mend me, to him, good brother, say, I sent you.

FVNG.

Let me see, these foure angels, and then, fortie shillings more I can borrow on my gowne in Fetter-lane. Well, I will goe presently, say on my sute, pay as much money as I haue, and sweare my selfe into credit vvith my taylor, for the rest.

DELI.

Deliro, and Ma∣cilente, passe o∣uer the stage.

O, on my soule you wrong her, MACILENTE, Though shee be froward, yet I know shee is honest.

MACI.

Well, then haue I no iudgement: would any vvoman (but one that were wild in her affections) haue broke out into that immodest and violent passion against her husband? or is't possible—

DELI.

If you loue me, forbeare; all the arguments i' the world shall neuer wrest my heart to beleeue it.

GREX.

COR.

How like you the decyphering of his dotage?

MIT.

O, strangely! and of the others enuie too, that labours so seri∣ously to set debate betwixt a man, and his wife. Stay, here comes the knight aduenturer.

COR.

I, and his scriuener vvith him.

Act IIII. Scene III.

PVNTARVOLO, NOTARIE, CARLO, SERVANTS.

I Wonder, Monsieur FASTIDIVS comes not! but, NOTARIE, if thou please to draw the indentures the vvhile, I will giue thee thy in∣structions.

NOTA.

With all my heart, sir; and I'le fall in hand with 'he•• presently.

PVNT.

Well then, first, the summe is to be vnderstood.

NOTA.

Good, sir.

PVNT.

Next, our seuerall appellations, and character of my dog, and cat, must be knowne: shew him the cat, sirrah.

NOTA.

So, sir.

PVNT.

Then, that the intended bound, is the Turkes court in Constan∣tinople: the time limited for our returne, a yeere: and that if either of vs miscarry, the whole venter is lost. These are generall, conceiu'st thou? or if either of vs turne Turke.

NOTA.

I, sir.

PVNT.

Now for particulars: That I may make my trauails by sea or land, to my best liking: and that (hyring a coach for my selfe) it shall bee lawfull for my dog, or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.

NOT.

Very good, sir.

PVN.

That I may choose to giue my dogge, or cat fish, for feare of bones: or any other nutriment, that (by the iudgement of the most au∣tenticall physicians, where I trauaile) shall be thought dangerous.

NOT.

Well, sir.

PVN.

That (after the receit of his monie) he shall neyther in his own person, nor any other, eyther by direct or indirect meanes, as magicke, witchcraft, or other such exoticke artes, attempt, practise, or complot a∣••iething, to the preiudice of mee, my dogge, or my cat: Neyther shall I vse the helpe of any such forceries, or enchantments, as vnctious, to make our skinnes impenetrable, or to trauaile inuisible by vertue of a powder, or a ring, or to hang any three-forked charme about my dogges necke, se∣cretly conuey'd into his collar: (vnderstand you?) but that all be perfor∣med, sincerely, without fraud, or imposture.

NOT.

So, sir.

PVN.

That (for testimonie of the performance) my selfe am to bring thence a T••rkes mustachio, my dogge a Gracian hares lip, and my cat the traine, or taile of a Thracian rat.

NOT.

'Tis done, sir.

PVN.

'Tis said, sir, not done, sir: but forward. That vpon my re∣turne, and landing on the Tower-wharfe, with the aforesaid testimonie, I am to receiue fiue for one, according to the proportion of the summes put forth.

NOT.

Well, sir.

PVN.

Prouided, that if before our departure, or setting forth, either my selfe, or these be visited with sicknesse, or any other casuall euent, so that the whole course of the aduenture bee hindered, thereby; that then, he is to returne, and I am to receiue the prenominated proportion, vpon faire and equall termes.

NOT.

Verie good, sir, is this all?

PVN.

It is all, sir: and dispatch them, good NOT ARIE.

NOT.

As fast as is possible, sir.

PVN.

O, CARLO! welcome: saw you Monsieur BRISKE?

CAR.

Not I: did he appoint you, to meet here?

PVN.

I, and I muse he should be so tardie: hee is to take an hundred pounds of mee in venter, if he maintaine his promise.

CAR.

Is his houre past?

PVN.

Not yet, but it comes on apace.

CAR.

Tut, be not iealous of him: he will sooner breake all the com∣mandements, then his houre, vpon my life, in such a case trust him.

PVN.

Me thinkes, CARLO, you looke verie smooth! ha?

CAR.

Why, I come but now from a hot-house, I must needes looke smooth.

PVN.

From a hot-house!

CAR.

I, doo you make a wonder on't? why it's your only physicke.

Let a man sweate once a weeke in a hothouse, and be well rub'd, fro∣ted, with a good plumpe juicie wench, and sweet linnen: hee shall ne're ha' the poxe.

PVNT.

What, the French poxe?

CARL.

The French poxe! our poxe. S'bloud we haue 'hem in as good forme as they, man: what?

PVNT.

Let mee perish, but thou art a salt one! was your new-created gallant there with you? SOGLIARDO?

CARL.

O, porpuse! hang him, no: hee's a lieger at Hornes ordinarie yonder: his villanous GANIMEDE, and he ha' beene droning a tabacco pipe there, euer sin' yesterday no one.

PVNT.

Who? signior TRIPARTITE, that would giue my dogge the Whiffe?

CARL.

I, hee. They haue hir'd a chamber, and all priuate to practise in, for the making of the Pato••••, the Receit reciprocall, and a num∣ber of other mysteries, not yet extant. I brought some dozen, or twentie gallants this morning to view 'hem (as you'ld doe a piece of Perspectiue) in at a key-hole: and there wee might see SOGLIARDO sit in a chaire, holding his snowt vp like a sow vnder an apple-tree, while th' other ope∣n'd his nostrils with a poking-sticke, to giue the smoke a more free deliue∣rie. They had spit some three, or fourescore ounces betweene 'hem, afore we came away.

PVNT.

How! spit three, or fourescore ounces?

CARL.

I, and preseru'd it in porrengers; as a barber does his bloud▪ when he opens a veine.

PVNT.

Out, Pagan: how dost thou open the veine of thy friend?

CARL.

Friend? Is there any such foolish thing i'the world? ha? S'lid I ne're rellisht it yet.

PVNT.

Thy humour is the more dangerous.

CARL.

No, not a whit, Signior: Tut, a man must keepe time in all. I can oyle my tongue when I meet him next, and looke with a good slicke fore-head; 'twill take away all soyle of suspicion, and that's ynough: what LYNCEVS can see my heart? Pish, the title of a friend, it's a vaine idle thing, only venerable among fooles: you shall not haue one that has any opinion of wit affect it.

Act IIII. Scene IIII.

DELIRO, MACILENTE.

To them.

SAue you, good sir PVNTARVOLO.

PVNT.

Signior DELIRO! welcome.

DELI.

Pray you, sir, did you see Master FASTIDIVS BRISKE? I heard he was to meet your worship here.

PVNT.

Your heard no sigment, sir, I doe expect him at euery pulse of my watch.

DELI.

In good time, sir.

CARL.

There's a fellow now, lookes like one of the Patricians of Spar∣ta, mary his wit's after tenne i'the hundred. A good bloud-hound, a close-mouth'd dogge, he followes the sent well, mary he's at a fault now, me thinkes.

PVNT.

I should wonder at that creature is free from the danger of thy tongue.

CARL.

O, I cannot abide these limmes of sattin, or rather Sathan in∣deed, that 'll walke (like the children of darknesse) all day in a melancho∣ly shop, with their pockets full of blankes, readie to swallow vp as ma∣nie poore vnthrifts, as come within the verge.

PVNT.

So! and what hast thou for him that is with him, now?

CARL.

O, (dam' mee) Immortalitie! I'le not meddle with him, the pure element of fire, all spirit, extraction.

PVNT.

HOW, CARLO? ha, what is he, man?

CARL.

A scholler, MACILENTE, doe you not know him? a lanke raw-bon'd anatomie, he walkes vp and downe like a charg'd musket, no man dares encounter him: that's his rest there.

PVNT.

His rest? why has he a forked head?

CARL.

Pardon me, that's to be suspended, you are too quicke, too ap∣prehensiue.

DELI.

Troth (now I thinke on't) I'le deferre it till some other time.

MACI.

Not, by any meanes, signior, you shall not lose this opportuni∣tie, he will be here presently now.

DELI.

Yes saith, MACILENTE, 'tis best. For looke you, sir, I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in't, that—

MACI.

Your wife? now for shame lose these thoughts, and become the master of your owne spirits. Should I (if I had a wife) suffer my selfe to be thus passionately carried (to and fro) with the streame of her humour? and neglect my deepest affaires, to serue her affections? S'light I would geld my selfe first.

DELI.

O but, signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you would—

MACI.

Such a wife? Now hate mee, sir, if euer I discern'd any wonder in your wife, yet, with all the speculation I haue: I haue seene some that ha' beene thought fairer then she, in my time; and I haue seene those, ha' not been altogether so tall, esteem'd properer women; and I haue seen lesse noses grow vpon sweeter faces, that haue done verie well too, in my iudge∣ment: but in good faith, signior, for all this, the gentlewoman is a good pretie proud hard-fauour'd thing, mary not so peerelessely to bee doted vpon, I must confesse: nay, be not angrie.

DELI.

Well, sir, (how euer you please to forget your selfe) I haue not deseru'd to bee thus plai'd vpon, but henceforth, pray you forbeare my house, for I can but faintly endure the fauour of his breath at my table, that shall thus iade me for my courtesies.

MACI.

Nay, then, signior, let me tell you, your wife is no proper wo∣man,

and, by my life, I suspect her honestie, that's more, which you may likewise suspect (if you please:) doe you see? Ile vrge you to nothing, a∣gainst your appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.

DELI.

Good, sir.

MACI.

Good sir? Now horne vpon horne pursue thee, thou blinde e∣gregious dotard.

CARL.

O, you shall heare him speake like ennie. Signior MACILEN∣TE, you saw monsieur BRISKE lately? I heard you were with him at court.

MACI.

I, BVFFONE, I was with him.

CARL.

And how is he respected there? (I know youle deale ingenu∣ously with vs) is he made of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?

MACI.

Faith I, his ciuet and his casting-glasse, Haue helpt him to a place amongst the rest: And there, his Seniors giue him good sleight lookes, After their garbe, smile, and salute in French With some new complement.

CARL.

What, is this all?

MACI.

Why say, that they should shew the frothie foole, Such grace, as they pretend comes from the heart, He had a mightie wind-fall out of doubt. Why, all their Graces are not to doe grace To vertue, or desert: but to ride both With their guilt sputres quite breathlesse, from themselues. 'Tis now esteem'd Precisianisme in wit; And a disease in nature, to be kind Toward desert, to loue, or seeke good names: Who feeds with a good name? who thriues with louing? Who can prouide feast for his owne desires, With seruing others? ha, ha, ha: 'Tis folly, by our wisest worldlings prou'd, (If not to gaine by loue) to be belou'd.

CARL.

How like you him? is't not a good spitefull slaue? ha?

PVNT.

Shrewd, shrewd.

CARL.

Dam'me, I could eat his flesh now: diuine sweet villaine!

MACI.

Nay, pr'y thee leaue: what's he there?

CARL.

Who? this i'the starcht beard? it's the dull stiffe knight PVN∣TARVOLO, man; hee's to trauaile now presently: hee has a good knottie wit, marry he carries little o't out of the land, with him.

MACI.

How then?

CARL.

He puts it forth in venter, as hee does his monie; vpon the re∣turne of a dogge, and cat.

MACI.

Is this he?

CARL.

I, this is hee; a good tough gentleman: hee lookes like a shield of brawne, at Shrouetide, out of date, and readie to take his leaue:

or a drie poule of ling vpon Easter-eue, that has furnisht the table all Lent, as he has done the citie this last vacation.

MACI.

Come, you'le neuer leaue your stabbing smile's: I shall ha' you ayming at me with 'hem by and by, but—

CARL.

O, renounce me then: pure, honest, good deuill, I loue thee aboue the loue of women: I could e'en melt in admiration of thee, now! gods so, looke here, man; Sir DAGONET, and his squire!

Act IIII. Scene V.

SOGLIARDO, SHIFT.

To them.

SAue you, my deare GALLANTO'S: nay, come approch, good CAVA∣LIER: pr'y thee (sweet knight) know this gentleman, hee's one that it pleases mee to vse as my good friend, and companion; and there∣fore doe him good offices: I beseech you, gentles, know him, know him all ouer.

PVNT.

Sir (for signior SOGLIARDO'S sake) let it suffice, I know you.

SOGL.

Why (as I am true gentleman) I thanke you, knight, and it shall suffice. Harke you, sir PVNTARVOLO, you'ld little thinke it; he's as resolute a peece of flesh, as any's i'the world.

PVNT.

Indeed, sir?

SOGL.

Vpon my gentilitie, sir: CARLO, a word with you; Doe you see that same fellow, there?

CARL.

What? CAVALIER SHIFT?

SOGL.

O, you know him; crie you mercy: before me, I thinke him the tallest man, liuing within the walls of Europe.

CARL.

The walls of Europe! take heed what you say, signior, Eu∣rope's a huge thing within the walls.

SOGL.

Tut, (and 'twere as huge againe) I'ld iustifie what I speake. Slid, he swagger'd e'en now in a place where we were: I neuer saw a man doe it more resolute.

CARL.

Nay, indeede swaggering is a good argument of resolution. Doe you heare this, signior?

MACI.

I, to my griefe. O, that such muddy flags, For euery drunken flourish, should atchieue The name of manhood; whil'st true perfect valour (Hating to shew it selfe) goes by despis'd! Heart, I doe know now (in a faire iust cause) I dare doe more then he, a thousand times: Why should not they take knowledge of this? ha? And giue my worth allowance before his? Because I cannot swagger! Now the poxe Light on your Pickt-hatch prowesse.

SOGL.

Why, I tell you, sir, he has beene the only Bid-stand that euer kept New-market, Salisbury-plaine, Hockley i'the hole, Gads-Hill; all the high places of any request: he has had his mares and his geldings, he, ha' been worth fortie, threescore, a hundred pound a horse, would ha' sprung you ouer hedge, and ditch, like your grey-hound, he has done fiue hun∣dred robberies in his time, more or lesse, I assure you.

PVNT.

What? and scapt?

SOGL.

Scapt! yfaith I: he has broken the jayle when he has beene in yrons, and yrons; and beene out, and in againe; and out, and in; fortie times, and not so few, he.

MACI.

A fit trumpet, to proclaime such a person.

CARL.

But can this be possible?

SHIFT.

Why, 'tis nothing, sir, when a man giues his affections to it.

SOGL.

Good PYLADES, discourse a robberie, or two, to satisfie these gentlemen of thy worth.

SHIFT.

Pardon me, my deare ORESTES: Causes haue their quiddits, and 'tis ill iesting with bell-ropes.

CARL.

How? PYLADES, and ORESTES?

SOGL.

I, he is my PYLADES, and I am his ORESTES: how like you the conceit?

CARL.

O, it's an old stale enterlude deuice: No, I'le giue you names my selfe, looke you, he shall be your IVDAS, and you shall bee his Elder tree, to hang on.

MACI.

Nay, rather, let him be captaine POD, and this his Motion; for he does nothing but shew him.

CARL.

Excellent: or thus, you shall bee HOLDEN, and hee your Camel.

SHIFT.

You doe not meane to ride, gentlemen?

PVNT.

Faith, let me end it for you, gallants: you shall be his Counte∣nance, and he your Resolution.

SOGL.

Troth, that's pretty: how say you, Caualier, shalt be so?

CARL.

I, I, most voices.

SHIFT.

Faith, I am easily yeelding to any good impressions.

SOGL.

Then giue hands, good Resolution.

CARL.

Masse, he cannot say, good Countenance, now (properly) to him againe.

PVNT.

Yes, by an irony.

MACI.

O, sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as he is, be alto∣gether grim, and vnpleasant.

Act IIII. Scene VI.

FASTIDIVS BRISKE.

GOod houres make musicke with your mirth, gentlemen, and keepe time to your humours: how now, CARLO?

PVNT.

Monsieur BRISKE! many a long looke haue I exten∣ded for you, sir.

FAST.

Good faith, I must craue pardon; I was inuited this morning ere I was out of my bed, by a beuie of ladies, to a banquet: whence it was almost one of HERCVLES labours for me, to come away, but that the re∣spect of my promise did so preuaile with me: I know they'le take it very ill, especially one that gaue me this bracelet of her haire but ouer-night, and this pearle another gaue me from her fore-head, mary, shee—what? are the writings ready?

PVNT.

I will send my man to know. Sirrah, goe you to the Notaries, and learne if he be readie: leaue the dog, sir.

FAST.

And how does my rare qualified friend, SOGLIARDO? oh, sig∣nior MACILENTE! by these eyes, I saw you not, I had saluted you soo∣ner else, o'my troth: I hope, sir, I may presume vpon you, that you will not diuulge my late checke, or disgrace, indeed, sir.

MACI.

You may, sir.

CARL.

S'heart, he knowes some notorious iest by this gull, that hee hath him so obsequious.

SOGL.

Monsieur FASTIDIVS, doe you see this fellow there? does he not looke like a clowne? would you thinke there's any thing in him?

FAST.

Anything in him? beshrow me, I; the fellow hath a good in∣genious face.

SOGL.

By this element, he is an ingenious tall man, as euer swagger'd about London: he, and I, call Countenance, and Resolution, but his name is CAVALIER SHIFT.

PVNT.

CAVALIER, you knew signior CLOG, that was hang'd for the robbery at Harrow o'the hill?

SOGL.

Knew him, sir! why, 'twas hee gaue all the directions for the action.

PVNT.

How? was't your proiect, sir?

SHIFT.

Pardon me, Countenance, you doe me some wrong to make that publike, which I imparted to you in priuate.

SOGL.

Gods will! here are none but friends, Resolution.

SHIFT.

That's all one; things of consequence must haue their re∣spects, where, how, and to whom. Yes, sir, hee shewed himselfe a true CLOG in the coherence of that affaire, sir; for if he had manag'd matters as they were corroborated to him, it had beene better for him by a fortie, or fiftie score of pounds, sir, and he himselfe might ha' liu'd (in despight

of fates) to haue fed on wood-cocks, with the rest: but it was his heauie fortune to sinke, poore CLOG, and therefore talke no more of him.

PVNT.

Why, had he more aiders, then?

SOGL.

O god, sir! I, there were some present there, that were the nine Worthies to him, yfaith.

SHIFT.

I, sir, I can satisfie you at more conuenient conference: but (for mine owne part) I haue now reconcil'd my selfe to other courses, and pro∣fesse a liuing out of my other qualities.

SOGL.

Nay, he has left all now (I assure you) and is able to liue like a gentleman, by his quality. By this dogge, hee has the most rare gift in ta∣bacco, that euer you knew.

CARL.

S'heart, hee keepes more adoe with this monster, then euer BANKES did with his horse, or the fellow with the elephant.

MACI.

He will hang out his picture shortly, in a cloth, you shall see.

SOGL.

O, hee do's manage a quarrell, the best that euer you saw, for termes, and circumstances.

FAST.

Good faith, signior, (now you speake of a quarrell) I'le ac∣quaint you with a difference, that happened betweene a gallant, and my selfe sir PVNTARVOLO, you know him if I should name him, signior LVCVLENTO.

PVNT.

LVCVLENTO! what in-auspicious chance interpos'd it selfe to your two loues?

FAST.

Faith, sir, the same that sundred AGAMEMNON, and great THETIS sonne; but let the cause escape, sir: Hee sent mee a challenge (mict with some few braues) which I restor'd, and in fine we met. Now indeed, sir, (I must tell you) he did offer at first very desperately, but with∣out iudgement: for looke you, sir. I cast my selfe into this figure: now he, comes violently on, and withall aduancing his rapier to strike, I thought to haue tooke his arme (for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he could not recouer his guard) Sir, I mist my purpose in his arme, rasht his doublet sleeue, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his haire. He againe, lights me here (I had on, a gold cable hatband, then new come vp, which I wore about a murrey French hat I had) cuts my hatband (and yet it was massie, gold-smithes worke) cuts my brimmes, which by good fortune (being thicke embrodered with gold-twist, and spangles) disappointed the force of the blow: Neuerthelesse, it graz'd on my shoulder, takes me away sixe purles of an Italian cut-worke band I wore (cost me three pound in the exchange, but three daies before.)

PVNT.

This was a strange encounter!

FAST.

Nay, you shall heare, sir: with this wee both fell out, and breath'd. Now (vpon the second signe of his assault) I betooke me to the former manner of my defence; he (on the other side) abandon'd his bo∣dy to the same danger, as before, and followes me still with blowes: But I (being loth to take the deadly aduantage that lay before mee of his left side) made a kind of stramazoun, ranne him vp to the hilts, through the

doublet, through the shirt, and yet mist the skin. Hee (making a reuerse blow) falls vpon my emboss'd girdle (I had throwne off the hangers a lit∣tle before) strikes off a skirt of a thick—lac't sattin doublet I had (lin'd with some foure taffataes) cuts off two panes, embrodered with pearle, rends through the drawings out of tissew, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.

CARL.

I wonder he speakes not of his wrought shirt!

FAST.

Here (in the opinion of mutuall dammage) wee paus'd: but (ere I proceed) I must tell you, signior, that (in this last encounter) not hauing leisure to put off my siluer spurres, one of the rowels catcht hold of the ru••••le of my boot, and (being Spanish leather, and subiect to teare) ouerthrowes me, rends me two paire of silke stockings (that I put on, be∣ing somewhat a raw morning, a peach colour and another) and strikes me some halfe inch deepe into the side of the calfe; Hee (seeing the bloud come) presently takes horse, and away. I (hauing bound vp my wound with a peece of my wrought shirt)—

CARL.

O! comes it in there?

FAST.

Rid after him, and (lighting at the court-gate, both together) embrac'd, and marcht hand in hand vp into the presence: was not this bu∣sinesse well carried?

MACI.

Well? yes, and by this we can gesse what apparell the gentle∣man wore.

PVNT.

Fore valour, it was a designement begun with much resoluti∣on, maintain'd with as much prowesse, and ended with more humanitie. How now, what saies the Notarie?

SERV.

He saies, he is ready, sir, he staies but your worships pleasure.

PVNT.

Come, we will goe to him, Monsieur. Gentlemen, shall we en∣treat you to be witnesses?

SOGL.

You shall entreat me, sir: come Resolution.

SHIFT.

I follow you, good Countenance.

CARL.

Come, signior, come, come.

MACI.

O, that there should be fortune To clothe these men, so naked in desert! And that the iust storme of a wretched life, Beats 'hem not ragged, for their wretched soules, And, since as fruitlesse, euen as black as coales!

GREX.

MIT.

Why, but signior, how comes it, that FVNGOSO appear'd not with his sisters intelligence, to BRISKE?

COR.

Mary, long of the euill angels that she gaue him, who haue in∣deed tempted the good simple youth, to follow the taile of the fashion, and neglect the imposition of his friends. Behold, here hee comes, very worshipfully attended and with good varietie.

Act IIII. Scene VII.

FVNGOSO, TAYLOR, SHOO-MAKER, HABERDASHER.

GRamercie, good shoo-maker, I'le put to strings my selfe. Now, sir, let me see, what must you haue for this hat?

HABER.

Here's the bill, sir.

FVNG.

How does't become me? well?

TAIL.

Excellent, sir, as euer you had any hat in your life.

FVNG.

Nay, you'll say so, all.

HABE.

In faith, sir, the hat's as good as any man i' this towne can serue you; and will maintayne fashion as long: ne're trust me for a groat else.

FVNG.

Do's it apply well to my sute?

TAIL.

Exceeding well, sir.

FVNG.

How lik'st thou my sute, haberdasher?

HABE.

By my troth, sir, 'tis very rarely well made, I neuer saw a sute sit better, I can tell, on.

TAIL.

Nay, we haue no arte to please our friends, we.

FVNG.

Here, haberdasher, tell this fame.

HABE.

Good faith, sir, it makes you haue an excellent body.

FVNG.

Nay (beleeue me) I thinke I haue as good a body in clothes, as another.

TAIL.

You lack points, to bring your apparell together, sir.

FVNG.

I'le haue points anon: how now? is't right?

HABE.

Faith, sir, 'tis too little, but vpon farther hopes—Good morrow to you, sir.

FVNG.

Farewell, good haberdasher. Well, now master SNIP, let mee see your bill.

GREX.

MIT.

Me thinkes he discharges his followers too thicke.

COR.

O, therein he fancily imitates some great man. I warrant you, though he turnes off them, he keepes this taylor, in place of a page, to follow him still.

FVNG.

This bill is very reasonable, in faith (harke you, master SNIP) Troth, sir, I am not altogether so well furnisht at this present, as I could wish I were, but— If you'le doe mee the fauour to take part in hand, you shall haue all I haue, by this hand—

TAIL.

Sir—

FVNG.

And, but giue mee credit for the rest, till the beginning of the next terme.

TAIL.

O lord, sir—

FVNG.

Fore god, and by this light, I'le pay you to the vtmost, and

acknowledge my selfe verie deeply engag'd to you, by the courtesie.

TAIL.

Why, how much haue you there, sir?

FVNG.

Mary I haue here foure angels, and fifteene shillings of white monie: it's all I haue, as I hope to be blest.

TAIL.

You will not faile me, at the next tearme, with the rest.

FVNG.

No, and I doe, pray heauen, I be hang'd. Let me neuer breathe againe, vpon this mortall stage, as the philosopher cals it. By this aire, and (as I am a gentleman) I'le hold.

GREX.

CORD.

He were an yron-hearted fellow, in my iudgement, that would not credit him vpon this volley of othes.

TAIL.

Well, sir, I'le not sticke with any gentleman for a trifle: you know what 'tis, remaines?

FVNG.

I, sir, and I giue you thankes in good faith. O fate! how hap∣pie am I made in this good fortune! Well, now I'le goe seeke out Mon∣sieur BRISKE. 'Ods so, I haue forgot ribband for my shooes, and points. Slid, what lucke 's this! how shall I doe? Master SNIPPE, pray let me re∣duct some two or three shillings for points, and ribband: as I am an honest man, I haue vtterly disfurnisht my selfe, in the default of memorie, pray'¦le me be beholding to you, it shall come home i'the bill, beleeue me.

TAIL.

Faith, sir, I can hardly depart with ready mony, but I'le take vp, and send you some by my boy, presently. What colour'd ribband would you haue?

FVNG.

What you shall thinke meet i'your iudgement, sir, to my sute.

TAIL.

Well, I'le send you some presently.

FVNG.

And points too, sir?

TAIL.

And points too, sir.

FVNG.

Good lord! how shall I studie to deserue this kindnesse of you, sir? Pray, let your youth make haste, for I should haue done a businesse an houre since, that I doubt I shall come too late. Now, in good faith, I am exceeding proud of my sute.

GREX.

COR.

Doe you obserue the plunges, that this poore gallant is put to (signior) to purchase the fashion?

MIT.

I, and to bee still a fashion behinde with the world, that's the sport.

COR.

Stay: O here they come, from seal'd, and deliuer'd.

Act IIII. Scene VIII.

PVNTARVOLO, FASTIDIVS BRISKE, SER∣VANTS CARLO, SOGLIARDO, MA∣CILENTE, SHIFT. FVNGOSO.

To them.

WEll, now my whole venter is forth, I will resolue to depart shortly.

FAST.

Faith, sir PVNTARVOLO, goe to the court, and take leaue of the ladies first.

PVNT.

I care not, if it be this afternoones labour. Where is CARLO?

FAST.

Here he comes.

CARL.

Faith, gallants, I am perswading this gentleman to turne cour∣tier. He is a man of faire reuenue, and his estate will beare the charge well. Besides, for his other gifts of the minde, or so, why, they are as nature lent him 'hem, pure, simple, without any artificiall drug or mixture of these two thred-bare beggarly qualities, learning, and knowledge, and therefore the more accommodate, and genuine. Now, for the life it selfe—

FAST.

O, the most celestiall, and full of wonder, and delight, that can be imagin'd, signior, beyond all thought, and apprehension of pleasure! A man liues there, in that diuine rapture, that hee will thinke himselfe i'the ninth heauen for the time, and lose all sense of mortalitie whatsoeuer; when he shall behold such glorious (and almost immortall) beauties, heare such angelicall and harmonious voyces, discourse with such flowing and ambrosiam spirits, whose wits are as suddaine as lightning, and humo∣rous as nectar, Oh: it makes a man al quintessence, and flame, & lifts him vp (in a moment) to the verie christall crowne of the skie, where (houering in the strength of his imagination) he shall behold all the delights of the HESPERIDES, the Insulae Fortunatae, ADONIS gardens, Tempe or what else (condfin'd within the amplest verge of poesie) to bee meere vmbrae, and imperfect figures, conferr'd with the most essentiall felicitie of your court.

MACI.

Well, this Encomion was not extemporall, it came too perfe∣ctly off.

CARL.

Besides, sir, you shall neuer need to goe to a hot-house, you shall sweat there with courting your mistresse, or losing your monie at primero, as well as in all the stones in Sweden. Mary this, sir, you must e∣uer be sure to carrie a good strong perfume about you, that your mistresse dogge may smell you out amongst the rest; and (in making loue to her) ne∣uer feare to be out: for you may haue a pipe of tabacco, or a base violl shall hang o'the wall, of purpose, will put you in presently. The trickes your Resolution has taught you in tabacco, (the whisse, and those sleights) will stand you in verie good ornament there?

FAST.

I, to some perhaps: but, and hee should come to my mistresse with tabacco (this gentleman knowes) shee'ld reply vpon him, yfaith. O, (by this bright sunne) shee has the most acute, readie, and facetious wit, that—tut there's no spirit able to stand her. You can report it, sig∣nior, you haue seene her?

PVNT.

Then can hee report no lesse, out of his iudgement, I assure him.

MACI.

Troth, I like her well enough, but shee's too selfe-conceited, me thinkes.

FAST.

I indeed, shee's a little too selfe conceited, and 'twere not for that humour, she were the most-to-be-admir'd ladie in the world.

PVNT.

Indeed, it is a humour that takes from her other excellencies.

MACI.

Why, it may easily be made to forsake her, in my thought.

FAST.

Easily, sir? then are all impossibilities easie.

MACI.

You conclude too quicke vpon me, signior, what will you say, if I make it so perspicuously appeare now, that your selfe shall confesse nothing more possible?

FAST.

Mary, I will say, I will both applaud, and admire you for it.

PVNT.

And I will second him, in the admiration.

MACI.

They whisper.

Why, I'le shew you, gentlemen. CARLO, come hither.

SOGL.

Good faith, I haue a great humor to the court: what thinkes my Resolution? shall I aduenture?

SHIFT.

Troth, Countenance, as you please; the place is a place of good reputation, and capacitie.

SOGL.

O, my trickes in tabacco (as CARLO sayes) will shew excel∣lent there.

SHIFT.

Why, you may goe with these gentlemen now, and see fashi∣ons: and after, as you shall see correspondence.

SOGL.

You say true. You will goe with me, Resolution?

SHIFT.

I will meet you, Countenance, about three or foure of clocke, but, to say to goe with you I cannot, for (as I am APPLE-IOHN) I am to goe before the Cocatrice you saw this morning, and therefore pray', present mee excus'd, good Countenance.

SOGL.

Farewell, good Resolution, but faile not to meet.

SHIFT.

As I liue.

PVNT.

Admirably excellent!

MACI.

If you can but perswade SOGLIARDO to court, there's all now.

CARL.

O let me alone, that's my taske.

FAST.

Now, by wit, MACILENTE, it's aboue measure excellent: 'twill be the onely court-exploit that euer prou'd courtier ingenious.

PVNT.

Vpon my soule, it puts the ladie quite out of her humour, and we shall laugh with iudgement.

CARL.

Come, the gentleman was of himselfe resolu'd to goe with you, afore I mou'd it.

MACI.

Why then, gallants, you two, and CARLO, goe afore to

prepare the iest: SOGLIARDO and I will come some while after you.

CARL.

Pardon me, I am not for court.

PVNT.

That's true: CARLO comes not at court indeed. Well, you shall leaue it to the facultie of monsieur BRISKE, and my selfe, vpon our liues wee will manage it happily. CARLO shall bespeake supper, at the miter, against we come backe: where we will meet, and dimple our cheekes with laughter at the successe.

CARL.

I, but will you all promise to come?

PVNT.

My selfe shall manfrede it for them: he that failes, let his repu∣tation lye vnder the lash of thy tongue.

CARL.

Gods so, looke who comes here!

SOGL.

What, nephew!

FVNG.

Vncle, god saue you; did you see a gentleman, one monsieur BRISKE? a Courtier, he goes in such a sute as I doe.

SOGL.

Here is the gentleman, nephew, but not in such a sute.

FVNG.

He swounes.

Another sute!

SOGL.

How now, nephew?

FAST.

Would you speake to me, sir?

CARL.

I, when he has recouered himselfe: poore poll.

PVNT.

Some Rosa-solis.

MACI.

How now, signior?

FVNG.

I am not well, sir.

MACI.

Why, this it is, to dogge the fashion.

CARL.

Nay, come gentlemen, remember your affaires; his disease is nothing but the fluxe of apparell.

PVNT.

Sirs, returne to the lodging, keepe the cat safe; I'le be the dogs Guardian my selfe.

SOGL.

Nephew, will you goe to court with vs? these gentlemen and I are for the court: nay, be not so melancholy.

FVNG.

By gods lid, I thinke no man in christendome has that rascal∣ly fortune that I haue.

MACI.

Faith, your sute is well enough, signior.

FVNG.

Nay, not for that, I protest; but I had an errand to Monsieur FASTIDIVS, and I haue forgot it.

MACI.

Why, goe along to court with vs, and remember it, come. Gentlemen, you three take one boat, and SOGLIARDO and I will take a∣nother: we shall be there instantly.

FAST.

Content: good sir, vouchsafe vs your pleasance.

PVNT.

Farewell, CARLO; remember.

CARL.

I warrant you: would I had one of Kemps shooes to throw af∣ter you.

PVNT.

Good Fortune will close the eyes of our iest, feare not: and we shall frollicke.

GREX.

MIT.

This MACILENTE, signior, begins to bee more sociable on a suddaine, mee thinkes, then hee was before: there's some portent in't, I beleeue.

COR.

O, hee's a fellow of a strange nature. Now do's hee (in this calme of his humour) plot, and store vp a world of malicious thoughts in his braine, till hee is so full with 'hem, that you shall see the very torrent of his enuie breake forth like a land-floud: and, against the course of all their affections oppose it selfe so violently, that you will almost haue won∣der to thinke, how 'tis possible the current of their dispositions shall re∣ceiue so quick, and strong an alteration.

MIT.

I mary, sir, this is that, on which my expectation has dwelt al this while: for I must tel you, signior (though I was loth to interrupt the Scene) yet I made it a question in mine owne priuate discourse, how he should properly call it, Euery man out of his Humour, when I saw all his actors so strongly pursue, and continue their humours?

COR.

Why, therein his art appeares most full of lustre, and approcheth neerest the life: especially, when in the flame, and height of their humours, they are laid flat, it fils the eye better, and with more contentment. How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud exalted tree lopt, and cut downe by degrees, when it might bee feld in a moment? and to set the axe to it before it came to that pride, and fulnesse, were, as not to haue it grow.

MIT.

Well, I shall long till I see this fall, you talke of.

COR.

To helpe your longing, signior, let your imagination be swifter them a paire of oares: and by this, suppose PVNTARVOLO, BRISKE, FVNGOSO, and the dogge arriu'd at the court gate, and going vp to the great chamber. MACILENTE, and SOGLIARDO, wee'le leaue them on the water, till possibilitie and naturall meanes may land 'hem. Here come the gallants, now prepare your expectation.