The workes of Beniamin Ionson

Act I. Scene II.

SOGLIARDO, CARLO BVFFONE, MACILENTE.

NAy looke you CARLO: this is my Humour now! I haue land and money, my friends left me well, and I will be a Gentleman what∣soeuer it cost me.

SOG.

Tut, and I take an humour of a thing once, I am like your tay∣lors needle, I goe through: but, for my name, Signior, how thinke you? will it not serue for a gentlemans name, when the Signior is put to it? Ha?

CAR.

Let me heare: how is't?

SOG.

Signior In••ulso Sogliardo: me thinkes it sounds well.

CAR.

O excellent! tut, and all fitted to your name, you might very well stand for a gentleman: I know many Sogliardos gentlemen.

SOG.

Why, and for my wealth I might be a Iustice of Peace.

CAR.

I, and a Constable for your wit.

SOG.

All this is my Lordship you see here, and those Farmes you came by.

CAR.

Good steps to gentility too, mary: but SOGLIARDO, if you affect to be a gentleman indeede, you must obserue all the rare qualities, humours, and complements of a gentleman.

SOG.

I know it, signior, and if you please to instruct, I am not too good to learne, He assure you.

CAR.

Inough sir: Ile make admirable vse i'the proiection of my me∣dicine vpon this lumpe of copper here. Ile bethinke me, for you sir.

SOG.

Signior, I will both pay you, and pray you, and thanke you, and thinke on you.

GREX.

CORD.

Is not this purely good?

MACIL.

Sbloud, why should such a prick-card hine as this, Berich? Ha? a foole? such a transparent gull That may be scene through? wherefore should he haue land, Houses, and lordships? O, I could eate my entrailes, And sinke my soule into the earth with sorrow.

CAR.

First (to be an accomplisht gentleman, that is, a gentleman of the time) you must giue o're house-keeping in the countrey, and liue al∣together in the city amongst gallants; where, at your first apparance, 'twere good you turn'd foure or fiue hundred acres of your best land into two or three trunks of apparel (you may doe it without going to a coniu∣rer) and be sure, you mixe your selfe stil, with such as flourish in the spring of the fashion, and are least popular; studie their carriage, and behauiour in all: learne to play at Primero and Passage, and (euer when you lose) ha'two or three peculiar othes to sweare by, that no man else sweares: but aboue all, protest in your play, and affirme, Vpon your credit; As you are a true gentleman (at euery cast) you may doe it with a safe conscience, I warrant you.

SOG.

O admirable rare! he cannot choose but be a gentleman, that ha's these excellent gifts: more, more, I beseech you.

CAR.

You must endeuour to feede cleanly at your Ordinarie, sit me∣lancholy, and picke your teeth when you cannot speake: and when you come to Playes, be humorous, looke with a good startch't face, and ruffle

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your brow like a new boot; laugh at nothing but your owne iests, or else as the Noblemen laugh. That's a speciall grace you must obserue.

SOG.

I warrant you, sir.

CAR.

I, and ••it o'the stage, and stout: prouided, you haue a good suit.

SOG.

O, I'le haue a suit only for that, sir.

CAR.

You must talke much of your kinred, and allies.

SOG.

Lies! no Signior, I shall not neede to doe so, I haue kinred i'the city to talke of: I haue a neece is a marchants wife; and a nephew, my brother SORDIDOS sonne, of the Innes of Court.

CAR.

O, but you must pretend alliance with Courtiers and great per∣sons: and euer when you are to dine or suppe in any strange presence, hire a fellow with a great chaine (though it be copper it's no matter) to bring you letters, feign'd from such a Nobleman, or such a Knight, or such a Ladie, To their worshipfull, right rare, and noble qualified friend or kins∣man, Signior In••ulso Sogliardo; giue your selfe stile enough. And there (while you intend circumstances of newes, or enquiry of their health, or so) one of your familiars (whom you must carry about you still) breakes it vp (as 'twere in a iest) and reades it publikely at the table: at which, you must seeme to take as vnpardonable offence, as if he had torne your Mi∣stris colours, or breath'd vpon her picture; and pursue it with that hot grace, as if you would aduance a challenge vpon it presently.

SOG.

Stay, I doe not like that humour of challenge, it may be accep∣ted; but I'le tell you what's my humour now: I will doe this. I will take occasion of sending one of my suites to the Taylors to haue the pocke•• repaired, or so; and there such a letter, as you talke of (broke open and all) shall be left: O, the Taylor vvill presently giue out what I am, vpon the reading of it, vvorth twentie of your Gallants.

CAR.

But then you must put on an extreme face of discontentment at your mans negligence.

SOG.

O, so I vvill, and beat him too: I'le haue a man for the purpose.

MACIL.

You may; you haue land and crownes: O partiall fate!

CARL.

Masse well remembred, you must keepe your men gallant, at the first, fine py••d liueries, laid vvith good gold lace, there's no losse in it, they may tip't off and pawne it, vvhen they lacke victuals.

SOG.

By'r Ladie, that is chargeable Signior, 'twill bring a man in debt.

CAR.

Debt? why, that's the more for your credit sir: it's an excellent policy to owe much in these daies, if you note it.

SOG.

As how good Signior? I would faine be a Polititian.

CAR.

O! looke where you are indebted any great summe, your credi∣tor obserues you with no lesse regard, then if hee were bound to you for some huge benefit, and will quake to giue you the least cause of offence, lest he loose his money. I assure you (in these times) no man has his ser∣uant more obsequious and pliant, then gentlemen their creditors: to whom (if at any time) you pay but a moitie, or a fourth part, it comes more acceptedly, then if you gaue them a new-yeares gift.

SOG.

I perceiue you, sir: I will take vp, and bring my selfe in credit sure.

CAR.

Mary this, alwaies beware you commerce not with bankrupts, or poore needie Ludgathians▪ they are impudent creatures, turbulent spi∣rits, they care not what violent tragedies they stirre, nor how they play fast and loose with a poore gentlemans fortunes, to get their owne. Mary, these rich fellowes (that ha' the vvorld, or the better part of it, sleeping in their counting-houses) they are ten times more placable, they; either feare, hope, or modestie, restraines them from offering any outrages: but this is nothing to your followers, you shall not run a penny more in arrerage for them, and you list your selfe.

SOG.

No? how should I keepe 'hem then?

CAR.

Keepe 'hem? Sbloud let them keepe themselues, they are no sheepe, are they? What? you shall come in houses, where plate, apparrell, iewels, and diuers other pretie commodities lye negligently scattered, and I would ha' those Mercuries follow me (I trow) should remember they had not their fingers for nothing.

SOG.

That's not so good, me thinkes.

CAR.

Why, after you haue kept 'hem a fortnight, or so, and shew'd 'hem ynough to the world, you may turne 'hem away, and keepe no more but a boy, it's ynough.

SOG.

Nay, my humour is not for boyes, Ile keepe men, and I keepe a∣ny; and Ile giue coats, that's my humour: but I lacke a cullisen.

CAR.

Why, now you ride to the citie, you may buy one, Ile bring you where you shall ha' your choise for money.

SOG.

Can you, sir?

CAR.

O, I: you shall haue one take measure of you, and make you a Co•••• of armes, to fit you of vvhat fashion you vvill.

SOG.

By word of mouth, I thanke you, Signior; Ile be once a little prodigall in a humour, i' faith, and haue a most prodigious coat.

MACI.

Torment and death! breake head and braine at once, To be deliuer'd of your fighting issue. Who can endure to see blinde Fortune dote thus? To be enamour'd on this dustie turfe? This clod? a whorson puck-fist? O god, god, god, god, &c. I could runne wild vvith griefe now, to behold The ranknesse of her bounties, that doth breed Such bull-rushes; these mushrompe gentlemen, That shoot vp in a night to place, and vvorship.

CAR.

Let him alone, some stray, some stray.

SOG.

Nay, I will examine him before I goe, sure.

CAR.

The Lord of the soile ha's al vvests, and straies here? ha's he not?

SOG.

Yes, sir.

CAR.

Faith, then I pitty the poore fellow, he's falne into a fooles hands.

SOG.

Sirrah, who gaue you commission to lye in my lordship?

MACI.

Your lordship?

SOG.

How? my lordship? doe you know me, sir?

MACI.

I doe know you, sir.

CAR.

S'heart, he answeres him like an eccho.

SOG.

Why, who am I, Sir?

MACI.

One of those that fortune fauours.

CAR.

The Perphrasis of a foole; Ile obserue this better.

SOG.

That fortune fauours? how meane you that, friend?

MACI.

I meane simply. THat you are one that liues not by your vvits.

SOG.

By my wits? No sir, I scorne to liue by my wits, I. I haue bet∣ter meanes, I tell thee, then to take such base courses, as to liue by my wits. Sbloud, doest thou thinke I liue by my wits?

MACI.

Me thinkes, Iester, you should not relilsh this well.

CAR.

Ha? does he know me?

MACI.

Though yours bee the worst vse a man can put his wit to, of thousands, to prostitute it at euery tauerne and ordinarie; yet (mee thinkes) you should haue turn'd your broad side at this, and haue beene readie with an Apologie, able to sinke this hulke of ignorance into the bot∣tome, and depth of his contempt.

CAR.

Sbloud 'tis MACILENTE! Signior, you are well encountred, how is't? O, we must not regard what he saies man, a trout, a shallow foole, he ha's no more braine then a butter-flie, a meere stuft suit, he looks like a mustie bottle, new vvickerd, his head's the corke, light, light. I am glad to see you so well return'd, Signior.

MACI.

You are? Gramercie, good IANVS.

SOG.

Is he one of your acquaintance? I loue him the better for that.

CAR.

Gods precious, come away man, what doe you meane? and you knew him as I doe, you'ld shun him, as you'ld doe the plague?

SOG.

Why, sir?

CAR.

O, hee's a blacke fellow, take heed on him.

SOG.

Is he a Scholler, or a Souldier?

CAR.

Both, both; a leane mungrell, he lookes as if he were chap∣falne, with barking at other mens good fortunes: 'ware how you offend him, he carries oile and fire in his pen, vvill scald vvhere it drops: his spi∣rit's like powder, quick, violent: hee'le blow a man vp with a jest: I feare him vvorse then a rotten wall do's the cannon, shake an houre after, at the report. Away, come not neere him.

SOG.

For Gods sake let's be gone, and he be a Scholler, you know I cannot abide him, I had as leeue see a Cockatrice, specially as cockatrices goe now.

CAR.

What, you'le stay, signior? this gentleman SOGLIARDO, and I, are to visit the knight PVNTARVOLO, and from thence to the citie, wee shall meet there.

MACI.

I, vvhen I cannot shun you, vve will meet. 'Tis strange! of all the creatures I haue seene, I enuie not this BVFFON, for indeede Neither his fortunes, nor his parts deserue it: But I doe hate him, as I hate the deuill, Or that brasse-visag'd monster Barbarisme. O, 'tis an open-throated, black-mouth'd curre, That bites at all, but eates on those that feed him. A slaue, that to your face will (serpent-like) Creepe on the ground, as he would eate the dust; And to your backe will turne the taile, and sting More deadly then a scorpion: Stay, who's this? Now for my soule, another minion Of the old lady Chance's: I'le obserue him.