Gynaikeion: or, Nine bookes of various history. Concerninge women inscribed by ye names of ye nine Muses. Written by Thom: Heywoode.

Zantippe and Mirho.

HEieronimo writ a booke against Iouinian, in which hee copiously discourses of the praise of Virginitie, reckoning a cattalogue of diuerse famous and renowned in that kind amongst sunderie nations,* 1.1 besides the discommodities and inconueniences of scolding and contentious wiues: and amongst other husbands much troubled in that kind, hee speakes of Socrates, who hauing two curst queanes and both at once (for the law of Athens did allow duplicitie of wiues) could indure their scouldings and contumacies with such constancie and patience; for hauing Zantippe and and Mirho the daughters of Aristides, the house was neuer without brawling & vprore. One Euthidemus comming from the wrastling place, and Socrates meeting him by chance, compelled him home to supper: and being sate at board and in sad and serious discourse, Zantippe spake many bitter and railing words of disgrace and contumelie against her husband; but he nothing mooued therewith, nor making her the least answer, she tipped vp the Table and flung downe all that was vpon it. But when Euthi∣demus being therewith much mooued, arose to be gone and instantly depart, Why what harme is there (quoth Socrates) did not the same thing chance at your house when I dined with you the last day, when a cackling henne cast downe such things as were vpon the bord, yet we your guests notwithstanding left not your house vnmannerly. Another time in the open market, she snatch∣ing his cloake from his backe, the standers by persuaded him to beat her: but he replyde, So whilst she and I be tugging together, you may stand by laughing, and cry, ô well done Zantippe, ô well done Socrates. Another time shee with her much loquacitie had made him wearie of the house, therfore he sat him downe vpon a bench before the street doore; but she at his patience beeing the more impatient, and much more angry because she was notable to mooue in him the least anger, she mounts vp into a garret window, and from thence pours a full pispot vpon his head: such as came by, extreamely mooued, as much in derision of his person, as at the suddennesse of the action; he tooke vp a laughter as high and loud as the best, expressing no more anger than in these words, Nay I thought verily in my mind and could easily iudge by the weather, that after so great a thunder wee must necessarily haue raine. Aulus Gellius writes,* 1.2 that Alcibiades demanding why he

would keepe two such scolding queanes in his house and at once, who neuer ceased brawling, when either of them both were sufficient to put any man of the gentlest temperance quite beyond his patience? hee thus answered him: These women (ô Alcibiades) teach me at home that sufferance which I ought to practise when I am abroad, for being (as you see I am) well exercised and bro∣ken with the factions of these two, I shall be the more gentle to deale withall in the societie of other men: and so much for Zantippe and Socrates. But since I am falne into a discourse of Shrowes, let it not seeme much impertinent to in∣sert what mine owne opinion was, when a gentleman demanded of me the dif∣ference betwixt a Shrow and a Sheepe. I considering with my selfe that there was so many of the one partie and so few of the other, thought it the most ge∣nerous to take the weaker side: and therefore because some speake too much for themselues, and the modesty of the others will not giue them boldnesse to say what is sufficient, I thus determined in their behalfe.

Whats hee can teach me by their seeming show, Whethers the best to chuse, a Sheepe, or Shrow? * 1.3A Sheepe, whats that? A beast of gentle kind, Harmles in nature, and of modest minde, (If mind may be in beasts) she's of voice low, Affraid of the least clamour: when the Shrow, * 1.4In calmes makes tempests, and to all mens wonder, Speakes in the fairest weather, fire, and thunder. Whats he thats wise, and would in warm'th compare To th'English wooll, the Barbarie lions haire? Th'Hircanian Tygars, or the Musco Beares, The Spanish Iennets trapt in all his geares, The Lapland Hart, or the swift Finlands Dow, The Arabian Panther (spo••••ed for the show?) Doth not the Indian Dromodarie want Her riches? or the ioyntlesse Elephant? Or can the Italian Fox, or German Bore, The Danish Elke, or Cammell, boast her store? Who that loues warm'th, and would desire to pull The Irish Woolfe and leaue the English wooll? When as the first would ayme to teare thy throat, The latter gently cloath thee in her coat. Yet were it best a modest medium keepe, Chuse neither compleate Shrow, nor perfect Sheepe, I would haue my wife neither tongue-tide quite Nor yet all tounge; so much as could accit•• To affability and amorous prate, So much I'd haue her vse, and more I hate. But with a voyce like Steutors should she raile, Or like Xantippe skould, and when words fayle, Bee sulleine, dogged, po••t and lowre, and whine, Or chide, or be still dombe; if such were mine, From her I'd wish my selfe remote as farre, As such from vertue and true goodnesse are. She of the two extreames, if you demand

With which I would be troubled, vnderstand, I'd take the gentler beast, the h••rmelesse Sheepe, Whose calmenes would not fright me from my sleepe, Or make the downe within my bed appeare Like knotted flockes, or curles of a rough Beare, Or the sof•• holland sheetes for rest prepar'd, Feele in my nightly wallowing course and hard, Or the smooth pillow on the which my head I turne and tosse, seeme as if stuft with lead. These can the furie Shrow doe; when the tother, Her amorous silken selfe, will seeme to smother In my warme besome, cling to me as fast As Salmacis, two in one bodie plac't, Whisper into mine eare soft ••u••es of loue, And be the sphere in which I sole may mooue, Shrinke me ••n smooth embracements, her white arme Skarffe 'bout my necke, whil'st euery words a charme, And euerie touch a motiue to desire, To kindle in my brest inchanted fire, Vpon whose smooth brow cannot ••it a frowne, She can make flints seeme feathers, bare boords downe.

I will now trouble thy patience gentle Reader,* 1.5 with a discourse that hath in it more mirth than murther, and more sport than spight, and yet a touch of both. A mad fellow newly married, had onely one yong child by his wife, of some quarter old, whom he deerely and tenderly loued, as being his first; but he was much giuen to good fellowship, and shee altogether addicted to spa∣ring and good huswiferie: still when he vsed to come merrie from the tauerne, where he had beene frollicke with his boone companions, she being as sparing of his purse as prodigall of her tongue (for she was little better than a skold) would often vpbraide him with his expences, that what hee wasted at the Ta∣uerne, were better bestowed at home, that he spent both his mony & time, and that being so often drunke, it was preiudiciall both to his bodie and estate, with many such matron-like exhortations: but alwaies concluding her admoniti∣ons with a vow, That if euer he came home againe in that pickle, shee would (happen what could come) fling the child into the moat (for the house was moated about.) It hapned about some two daies after, that he reuelling till late in the euening in a cold frostie winters night, and she hauing intelligence by her scouts where he was then drinking, and making no question but he would come home flustred; she commanded her maide to conueigh the infant to the further part of the house, and to wrap the cat in the blankets and put it in the cradle and there to sit and rocke it; presently home comes the husband, shee falls to her old lesson and beginnes to quarrell with him, and he with her: Ill words begot worse, and much leaud language there was betwixt them, when the woman on the sudden stepping to the cradle (hauing spyde her aduantage) I haue long sayth she threatned a mischiefe, and that reuenge I cannot worke on thee, come dogs come diuells I will inflict vpon the brat in the cradle; and instantly snatching it vp in her armes, ran with it to the moate side and flung it into the middle of the water:* 1.6 which the poore affrighted man following her and seeing, leauing to pursue her, and crying, saue the child, ô saue the child, in

that bitter cold night leapt vp to the elbowes in water, and waded till hee brought out the mantell, and with much paine comming to the shore, and still crying alas my poore child, opened the cloathes; at length the frighted cat crying mewe, being at libertie leapt from betwixt his armes and ran away: the husband was both amased and vexed, the woman laught at her reuenge, and retyred her selfe: and the poore man was glad to reconcile the difference before she would yeeld to allow him either fire or dry linnen. Considering this, me thinkes it was not amisse answered of a gentleman, who being persua∣ded by a friend of his not to marry with such a gentlewoman to whom hee was a suitor, his reasons alleadged were, because she had no quicke and volu∣ble tongue, neither was she of any fine witte or capacitie: to whom he instant∣ly replyde, I desire to haue a woman to bee my wife that shall haue no more tongue to answer mee to a question than yea, or nay; or to haue more wit than to distinguish her husbands bed from another mans.

Another woman hauing a husband who customably came drunke home, and shrinking from his stoole or chaire would oft fall vpon the floore and there lie along: & stil when she cald him to bed, he would answer her, Let me alone, the tenement is mine owne, and I may lye where I list, so long as I pay rent for the house. Some few nights after comming home in the like tune, and sitting asleepe in a chaire before the chimney, his wife being gone to bed, presently the man falls into the fire: the maide cryes out to her Mistresse, Oh mistresse, my master is falne and lyes in the fire, euen in the midst of all the fire; shee lay still and turning her on the other side, sayd, so long as hee payes rent for the house, he may lye where he please. But to more serious businesse, for I haue now done sporting.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Petr. Crinit. lib. 1. cap. 11.
• * 1.2

  Aulus Gel.
• * 1.3

  A sheepe.
• * 1.4

  A shrow.
• * 1.5

  A tricke of an English skold.
• * 1.6

  A pretie re∣uenge.