The English traueller As it hath beene publikely acted at the Cock-pit in Drury-lane: by Her Maiesties seruants. Written by Thomas Heyvvood.
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- Title
- The English traueller As it hath beene publikely acted at the Cock-pit in Drury-lane: by Her Maiesties seruants. Written by Thomas Heyvvood.
- Author
- Heywood, Thomas, d. 1641.
- Publication
- London :: Printed by Robert Raworth: dwelling in Old Fish-street, neere Saint Mary Maudlins Church,
- 1633.
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http://name.umdl.umich.edu/A03195.0001.001
- Cite this Item
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"The English traueller As it hath beene publikely acted at the Cock-pit in Drury-lane: by Her Maiesties seruants. Written by Thomas Heyvvood." In the digital collection Early English Books Online. https://name.umdl.umich.edu/A03195.0001.001. University of Michigan Library Digital Collections. Accessed June 10, 2024.
Pages
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Remember you, I haue had so many memorandomes from the multiplicities of your bounties, that not to remember you were to forget my selfe, you are both most ingeniously and nobly welcome.
And why ingeniously and nobly?
Because had I giuen your welcomes other attributes then I haue done, the one being a Souldier, and the other seeming a Scholler, I should haue lied in the first, and shewed my selfe a kind of block∣head in the last.
Small doings at home sir, in regard that the age of my Master corresponds not with the youth of my Mistris, and you know cold Ianuary and lusty May seldome meet in coniunction.
I doe not thinke but this fellow in time may for his wit and vnderstanding make Almanackes?
Not so sir, you being more iudicious then I, ile giue you the preeminence in that, because I see by proofe you haue such iudgement in times and seasons.
And why in times and seasons?
Because you haue so seasonably made choise, to come so iust at dinner time; you are welcome Gentlemen, ile goe tell my Master of your comming.
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And to supper too sir, I know not how the day goes with you, but my stomacke hath strucke twelue, I can assure you that.
Ile stand too't, that in good hospitality, there can be nothing found that's ill, he that's a good house-keeper, keepes a good table, a good table, is neuer without good stooles, good stooles, seldome without good guests, good guests, neuer without good cheere, good cheere, cannot bee without good stomackes, good sfomackes, without good digestion, good digestion, keepes men in good health, and there∣fore all good people, that beare good minds, as you loue goodnesse, be sure to keepe good meat and drinke in your houses, and so you shall be called good men, and nothing can come on't but good, I warrant you.
Actus Primus. Scena Secundus.
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To heere a Woman, that thinks her selfe so wise, speake so foolishlie, that knowes well, and does ill.
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Teach me wherein I erre.
Ile tell thee Daughter; In that thou knowest thy selfe to bee beloued of so many, and setlest thy affection, only vpon one; Doth the Mill grinde onely, when the Wind sits in one corner? Or Shippsonely Saile, when it's in this, or that quarter? Is hee a cunning Fencer, that lies but at one Guard? Or he a Skilfull Musician, that plaies but on one String? Is there but one way to the Wood? And but one Bucket that belongs to the Well? To affect one, and despise all other, becomes the precise Matron, not the Prostitute; the loyall Wife, not the loose Wanton: Such haue I beene, as you are now, and should learne, to Saile with all Windes, defend all Blowes, make Musicke with all Strings, know all the wayes, to the Wood, and like a good trauelling Hackney, learne to drinke of all Waters.
Well looke too't when 'tis late, and then repent at leasure, as I haue done; Thou see'st, heeres nothing but Prodigallity and Pride, Wantoning, and Wasting, Rioting, and Reuelling, Spoyling, and Spending, Gluttony, and Gormondising, all goes to Hauocke, and can this hold out? When he hath nothing left, to helpe himselfe, how can he Harbour thee? Looke at length, to Drinke from a dry Bottle, and feed from an emptie Knap-sacke, looke too 't, 'twill come to that.
Liue to one man? a ieast, thou may'st aswell, tie thy selfe to one Gowne; and what Foole, but will change with the Fashion, Yes, doe, Confine thy selfe to one Garment, and vse no Varietie, and see how foone it will Rot, and turne to Raggs.
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Actus Secundus.
Scena Prima.
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Who, I Sir, From a Lodging of Lardgesse, a House of Hospita∣lity, and a Pallace of Plenty; Where there's Feeding like Horses, and Drinking like Fishes; Where for Pints, w'are serued in Pottles; and in stead of Pottle-pots, in Pailes; in stead of Siluer-tanckards, we drinke out of Water-tanckards; Clarret runs as freely, as the Cocks; and Canarie, like the Conduits of a Coronation day; Where there's no∣thing but Feeding and Frollicking; Caruing in Kissing; Drinking, and Dauncing; Musicke and Madding; Fidsing and Feasting.
And where, I pray thee, are all these Reuels kept?
They may be rather called Reakes then Reuells; As I came a∣long by the doore, I was call'd vp amongst them; Hee-Gallants, and Shee-Gallants, I no sooner look'd out; but saw them out with their Kniues, Slashing of Shoulders, Mangling of Legs, and Lanching of Loynes, till there was scarce a whole Limbe lest amongst them.
A fearefull Massacre.
One was Hacking to cut off a Necke, this was Mangling a Brest, his Knife slip from the Shoulder, and onely cut of a Wing, one was picking the Braines out of a Head, another was Knuckle deepe in a Belly, one was Groping for a Liuer, another Searching for the Kid∣neyes; I saw one plucke the Sole from the Body (Goose that she was to suffer't) another prickt into the Breast with his one Bill, Wood∣cocke to indure it.
How fell they out at first?
I know not that, but it seemes, one had a Stomacke, and ano∣ther had a Stomacke; But there was such biting and tearing with their teeths, that I am sure, I saw some of their poore Carcasses pay for't.
Did they not send for Surgeons?
Alas no, Surgeons helpe was too late; There was no stitching vp of those Wounds, where Limbe was pluckt from Limbe; Nor any Salue for those Scarrs, which all the Plaister of Paris cannot Cure.
Where grew the quarrell first?
It seems it was first Broacht in the Kitchin; Certaine crea∣tures being brought in thither, by some of the House; The Cooke be∣ing a Colloricke fellow, did so Towse them and Tosse them, so Plucke them and Pull them, till hee left them as naked as my Naile, Pinioned some of them like Fellons; Cut the Spurres from others of their
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Heeles; Then downe went his Spits, Some of them he ranne in at the Throat, and out at the Back-side; About went his Basting-Ladle, where he did so besawce them, that many a shrode turne they had amongst them.
But in all this, How did the Women scape?
They fared best, and did the least hurt that I saw; But for quietnesse sake, were forc'd to swallow what is not yet digested, yet euery one had their share, and shee that had least, I am sure by this time, hath her belly full.
And where was all this hauocke kept?
Marry Sir, at your next neighbours, Young Master Lionell, Where there is nothing but Drinking out of Dry-Fats, and Healthing in Halfe-Tubs, his Guests are fed by the Belly, and Beggers serued at his Gate in Baskets; Hee's the Adamant of this Age, the Daffadill of these dayes, the Prince of Prodigallity, and the very Caesar of all young Citizens.
Belike then, 'twas a Massacre of meat, not as I apprehended?
Your grauity hath gest aright; The chiefest that fell in this Battell, were wild Fowle and tame Fowle; Phessants were wounded in stead of Alfaresse, and Capons for Captaines, Anchoues stood for An∣tiants, and Cauiare for Corporals, Dishes were assaulted in stead of Ditches, and Rabbets were cut to pieces vpon the rebellings, some lost their Legs, whil'st other of their wings were forc'd to flie; The Pioner vndermind nothing but Pie-crust; And—
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This is like a hastie Pudding, longer in eating then it was in making.
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As to one, that in my Bosome hath a second place, next my deere Husband.
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By all that you haue said, I sweare, and by this Kisse Confirme.
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No such thing, for you shall beare your Sweet-heart com∣pany, And helpe to cheere the rest.
Onely the Key; for I must play the goaler for your durance, To bee the Mercurie in your release.
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Actus Tertius.
Seena Prima.
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Enough; One onely thing remaines, which on thy part per∣form'd, Assures firme credit to these thy protestations.
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Where's your master, yong Lionell, it something troubles me, That hee should breake his day.
We know you haue a throat, wide as your cons••ience; You need not vse it now—Come, get you home.
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Faith we may doe how we list for you, you are growne so Great a stranger: We are more beholding
To Master Dalauill, Hee's a constant Guest: And howsoe••e to some, that shall bee namelesse, His presence may be gracefull; Yet to others— I could say somewhat.Euer your name is in my Masters mouth, and sometimes too In hers, when she hath nothing else to thinke of:
Well well, I could say somewhat.Fill Boy: Here Besse, this glasse to both their healths; Why do'st weepe my wench?
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Oh Sir, you are the Needle, and if the whole County of Mid∣dlesex had bin turn'd to a meere Bottle of Hay, I had bin inioyn'd to haue found you out, or neuer more return'd backe to my old Master: There's a Letter Sir.
I shall Sir: This is Market-day, and heere acquaintance com∣monly meet; and whom haue I encounter'd my gossip Pint-pot, and brim full; nay, I meane to drinke with you before I part, and how doth all your worshipfull kindred? your sister Quart, your pater-Pottle, (who was euer a Gentlemans fellow) and your old grandsier Gallon; they cannot chuse but be all in health, since so many healthes haue beene drunke out of them: I could wish them all heere, and in no worse state then I see you are in at this present; howsoeuer gossip, since I haue met you hand to hand, I'le make bould to drinke to you—Nay, either you must pledge me, or get one to doo't for you; Doe you open your mouth towards me? well, I know what you would say; Heere Roger, to your Master and Mistris, and all our good friends at home; gramercy gossip, if I should not pledge thee, I were worthy to be turn'd out to Grasse, and stand no more at Liuery: And now in requitall of this courtesie I'le begin one health to you and all your society in the Oeller, to Peter Pipe, Harry Hogshead, Bartholo∣mew Butt, and little master Randall Rundlet, to Timothy Taster, and all your other great and small friends.
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I am something obliuious; Your message would bee the true∣lier deliuered if it were set downe in blacke and white.
Actus Quartus.
Scena Prima.
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This is the Garden gate; And heere am I set to stand Centinell, and to attend the comming of Young Master Geraldine: Master Da∣lauill's gone to his Chamber; My Mistresse to hers; 'Tis now about Mid-night; A Banquet prepared, bottles of Wine in readinesse, all the whole Houshold at their rest; And no creature by this, honestly stir∣ring, sauing I and my Old Master; Hee in a bye Chamber, prepared of purpose for their priuate Meeting; And I heere to play the Watch|
A Friend.
The Word?
Honest Roger.
That's the Word indeed; You haue lea••e to passe freely Without calling my Corporall.
How goe the affaires within?
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According to promise, the businesse is composed, and the ser∣••ants disposed, my young Mistris reposed, my old Master according as you proposed, attends you if you bee exposed to giue him meeting; Nothing in the way being interposed, to transpose you to the least danger: And this I dare be deposed, if you will not take my word, as I am honest Roger.
Till the mouthes of the bottles yawn•• directly vpon the floore, and the bottomes turne their rayl••s vp to the seeling; Whil'st there's any blood in their bellies, I'le not leaue them.
Talke you by your selues, whilest I find something to say to this: I haue a tale no tell him shall make his stony heart relent.
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This is the House, but where's the noyse that was wont to be in't? I am sent hither, to deliuer a Noate, to two young Gentlemen that heere keepe Reuell-rout; I remember it, since the last Massacre of Meat that was made in't; But it seemes, That the great Storme that was raised then, is chast now; I haue other Noates to deliuer, one to Master Rycott—and—I shall thinke on them all in order; My Old Master makes a great Feast, for the parting of young Master Ge∣raldine, who is presently vpon his departure for Trauell, and the better to grace it, hath inuited many of his Neighbours and Friends; Where will be Old Master Geraldine—his Sonne, and I cannot tell how many; But this is strange, the Gates shut up at this time a day, belike they are all Drunke and laid to sleepe, if they be, I'le wake them, with a Murraine.
And I aduise thee Friend, for thine owne good, stand not be∣twixt mee and the Gate, but giue me leaue to deliuer my er••ant; Hoe, Reignald, you mad Rascall.
Ghosts; Indeed there has bin much walking, in and about the House after Mid-night.
Strange noyse oft heard.
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Yes, terrible noise, that none of the neighbours could take any rest for it, I haue heard it my selfe.
My corporall oath; And you know Sir, a Corporall is an office belonging to a souldier.
They say my old Master's come home; I'le see if hee will turne me out of doores, as the young man has done: I haue laid rods in pisse for some-body, scape Reignald as hee can, and with more free∣dome then I dust late, I bouldly now dare knocke.
My old seruant? before I shall demand of further busin••••. Resolue me why thou thunder'st at these doores,
Where thou know'st none inhabits?Page [unnumbered]
You may doe well to pay't then, for heere's witnesse Sufficient of your words.
I speake no more then what I purpose; lust so much I owe you, And ere I sleepe will tender.
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〈…〉〈…〉 Har∣bour long, and now it must bee my Sanctuary; Dispute now, and I'le answere.
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Oh sir, the man you kil'd is aliue at this present to iustisie it: I am, quoth he, a Trans-marine by birth—
Why, challenge me receipt of Moneys, and to giue abroad, That I had sold my House?
So the warrant in my Masters pocket, will serue for my Mur∣der; And euer after shall my Ghost haunt this House.
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The one you have nothing to doe withall, here's his Ticket for his discharge; Another for you Sir, to Summon you to my Masters Feast, For you, and you, where I charge you all to appeare, vpon his displeasure, and your owne apperils.
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Come downe then Reignald, first on your hands and feete, and then on your knees to your Master; Now gentlemen, what doe you say to your inuiting to my Masters Feast.
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Actus Quintus.
Scena Prima.
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But see Gentlemen, these whom we most expected, come at length; This I proclaime the master of the Feast,
In which to expresse the bounty of my loue, I'le shew my selfe no niggard.Page [unnumbered]
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Goe take her Vp, whom thou hast oft throwne Downe, Villaine.
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Hee went presently to the Stable, put the Sadle vpon his Horse, put his Foote into the Stirrup, clapt his Spurres into his sides, and a∣way hee's Gallopt, as if hee were to ride a Race for a Wager.