A curtaine lecture as it is read by a countrey farmers wife to her good man. By a countrey gentlewoman or lady to her esquire or knight. By a souldiers wife to her captain or lievtenant. By a citizens or tradesmans wife to her husband. By a court lady to her lord. Concluding with an imitable lecture read by a queene to her soveraigne lord and king.

CHAP. X. (Book 10)

Pleasant discourse betwixt a Noble man and a Mer∣chant. Lectures read by country Gentlewomen and Ladies to their husbands. By the souldiers wife, to her Captaine or Leiv••e∣nant. And of Court Ladies to their Lords.

A Nobleman and a wor∣thy Merchant jesting together freely, without a∣ny exceptions to bee taken, saith the Nobleman to him, I wonder at you Merchants, who for the most part have very beautifull and faire wives, that dare trust them

here at home, whil'st you take such long voyages into Countries so farre remote: surely it cannot choose but bee a great trouble to your minds being abroad, for feare they should violate their conjugall tie at home: when wee Noblemen deale more securely; for if we take a journey either from the Court to the Country, or from the Country up to the Court, we leave our Ladies well accommodated & guar∣ded by Servants, Groomes, and Pages. The Merchant perceiving how hee plaid upon him, said unto him againe (by your Lordships

favour, and without offence be it spoken) How comes it to be a proverb, that Noble∣mens children are not (for the most part) so well featu∣red and favoured, as the sons and daughters of Citizens? If your Lordship will not be offended, I can shew you the reason. I pray thee doe, saith the Noble man, I give thee free leave and libertie to speake. Then thus, saith the Merchant, In the ab∣sence of all such Merchants as have houses in the City, it being so populous, there are choice either of young Aldermens sons, or of such lusty young Gallants as use

to insidiate the chastities of beautifull women in the absence of their husbands; and they having their choice, will commonly picke out the properest men to trans∣gresse with; and so betwixt them commeth a faire and well featured issue: when you Noblemen taking your journeies, take all your Gen∣tlemen along to attend you, leaving none with your La∣dies, but a Chamberlaine, Cooke, or a Coachman, and they in your absence being glad to make use of such course groomes, I suppose that may be the reason why your children are not so faire

and well favoured as ours. At which answer, the No∣bleman smil'd, and taking the retort as well as the Merchant did the jest put upon him at first, they par∣ted without any further ex∣cep••ion. But ere I come to the Court, I must first looke backe upon the, Country, and see how the Gentle∣woman there bred useth to lecture to her Esquire or Knight: and after how the Souldiers wife useth to read to her Lievtenant o•• Cap∣taine.

An Esquires wife, be∣ing an excellent housewife, but of a very loud tongue

withall, used to taxe him for being too free in his kit∣chen, sellar and at his table; for keeping too many in∣pertinent servants, too ma∣ny horses and dogs, hounds, grey-hounds and spaniels, hawkes, &c. which drew him to unnecessary char∣ges. Then laied the law to him, what hee might save in the yeere, which he vainely and profusely wasted; with divers other things to the like purpose, with so often iteration (as preaching still upon one text) both at boord and in bed, that tired with her continuall clamours, and withall shee often forbea∣ring

his imbraces, unlesse he would reforme all things according to her minde, and leave all his estate to her sole management, he grew not to love her so well as at the first, and casting his eie upon a pretty slut, his Gardeners wife, hee neg∣lecting his own, grew very much enamored of her, but durst not come to the house, by reason of his wives jea∣lousie; yet he wrought so by one of his servants, who dealt for him to the woman, that shee was willing to yeeld to any thing to doe her Master a pleasure, so it might bee done safely, and

without suspition, either from her husband or her mistresse. It was then con∣cluded, that they should meet in a lodge some halfe a mile from the Mannor house, and to that purpose, hee had sent his Gardener some twenty miles out of the towne; and the better to conveigh her thither, he commanded his man to pro∣vide a large basket into which to put the woman, and cover it with strewing flowers, hearbs, and sallets; which was accordingly done. The Master of the house got up early to keepe this appointment: so was

the Mistresse to dogge her husband, as mistrusting his early rising: and in the way meets this fellow with his basket, the bottome of which, by reason of the weight of the woman, was quite broken, and her legs and feet hung downe be∣low his knees: which shee perceiving, call'd the fel∣low unto her, and asked him what hee had in his basket? Sallets Mistresse; saith hee: Sallets, and nothing else? Nothing Mistresse, saith he, but hearbs and sallets. Well saith shee, carry them to your Master, and tell him from mee, this is a fish day,

and bid him beware what flesh hee tasteth with those sallets. The fellow no∣thing perceiving all this while▪ makes way to the lodge, and delivers his bur∣then; the Gentlewoman fol∣lowes, and before her Hus∣band discovers the woman. The cause was at first some∣what bitterly debated be∣twixt them; but all the choler being vented, they fell to a more mild attone∣ment: in which it was con∣cluded, He would ever after forsake his lust, so long as shee would forbeare her Lecture.

A Knights wife in the

Country was perfect in the same doctrine, and read it as freely as the former; and ti∣ring him one morning with a tale of an houre long, he not interrupting her in one syllable, she vexing all this while that he made her no answer, at length for meere wearinesse she gave over. Then he knockt as lowd as he could, till one came up: he then commanded him to call up the servants of the house, men-servants and maid-servants, up into the chamber, and that instantly: who presently ran downe as he was commanded; she in the meane time wondring

what it might meane: (I forgot to tell you that hee bade them to bring their Church books with them.) Well, all of them came up thus accommodated, and de∣manded what his Worships pleasure was? Marry (saith he) this was the cause I sent for you, my wife hath prea∣ched to me a very learned Sermon, in which she bor∣rowed somewhat of the houre-glasse, and exceeded her time, and it is but now ended, and I desire it may not goe off without a Psalme; and therefore saith he (and was going on) when she interrupting him, said,

Get you all downe about your severall affaires, and that I charge you instantly, or you shall heare from me in another kind. Which they incontinently did: when she, ashamed of the ••ricke he had put upon her, desired him to use it or the like no more, and she would never trouble him either in his nights sleep or his mor∣nings rest after.

I come now to the Soul∣diers wife. It is recorded of a brave and noble Captaine to have a brauling shrew to his wife, from which turbif∣lency he could by no gentle meanes reclaime her; and

therefore hee so awed her with threats and menaces, and now and then with a kicke or a blow, that she was forced to give her un∣seasonable Lectures quite over. Then she going often to confession, still when she came to her ghostly father, in stead of her owne faults reckoned up all that she ei∣ther knew or could devise of her husband. In so much that the good man meeting with the Captain, gave him courteous admonitory coun∣sell, as to leave drinking, swearing, rioting, and the like; by which the Captaine might perceive that some

or other had complained of him. Not long after, the woman insinuates with her husband, that for any thing that had ever past betwixt them either in words or blows, in which she was the sole sufferer, she did heartily forgive him, and desired the like forgiveness from him, if by her lowd tongue she had any way offended him, pro∣mising a reformation of all her misdemeanours for ever after; and therefore that lasting unity might continue betwixt them, she desired him to goe to her ghostly father, and heartily confesse him of his sins, which would

be a mean to ratifie and con∣firme all conjugall love be∣twixt them. The Captaine was perswaded, and went, and comming before the grave Church-man, told him he was desired to come unto him, and now being here (saith he) I would know what your will is with me. Who said, I would wish you to consider with your selfe, and rub up your re∣membrance, and calling to mind all your sins and offen∣ces, riots and disorders, and what else; for which (repen∣ting of them unfeignedly) I will give you present ab∣solution. Nay if that be all

(said the Captaine) that la∣bour is sav'd already, and needs no second iteration; I know you are my wives Confessour, and she hath told unto you all my sinnes, and more than I ever did or thought to doe al∣ready: and so bluntly left him.

A brave Lievtenant a∣mongst many other wounds lost an eie in the wars, and af∣terward retiring himself in∣to his own Country, where he had some meanes to live on, bethought himself, after all those tumultuous dan∣gers past, to betake himselfe to a peaceable and quiet

life; and to that purpose in∣tended to marry. A match was presently offered him, a Virgin (supposed) both of good feature and competent dower. The marriage day came, and was past with great joy and solemnity, and the Bride and Bride∣groome (according to the custome) brought to their bed. The curtaines were drawne, and they left to their rest; when he com∣ming to doe the office of an husband, perceived she had bin before devirginated, and was not a true maide; and thrusting her from him in great anger, said, A way thou

strumpet, I tooke thee for a perfect Virgin, and now I find thee to be a woman flaw'd and unperfect. Who boldly answered him again▪ And is not the match equall▪ since I have accepted of the•• being maimed, and wanting one eye? But (repli'd he) I received my hurt from mine enemie. And I (an∣swered she) received th•••• which so much troubles thee from my best friend.

I must be sparing to speak of the Court: yet no questi∣on even your Court Ladies are women, and have tongues, though they know by their noble breeding bet∣ter

how to governe them, than others, who have not had their generous educati∣on and breeding. Amongst the rest, I have read one short story in an approved Au••hor, that a Basket-maker in the country, having with his best care and cunning made an end of an extraordi∣nary Basket, which had been bespoke, & finding it finisht to his owne desire and fan∣cy, (his wife then sitting by him) he said, Now God be thanked, I have finisht my Basket, and I pray thee wife say so too. But she being ref••actory and obstinate, held her tongue; and the

more he intreated her, the more adverse shee was to him, giving him foule and course language. Which 〈◊〉〈◊〉 not able to endure, fell upon her with a good cudgell, and beat her till she was forc'd to crie out. A Noble man comming then by acciden∣tally, with a great traine a•• his heeles, finding her wee∣ping, began at first to com∣miserate the woman, and to chide the man for striking her: but being by him true∣ly informed of the cause, he commended the fellow for justly correcting her dis•••• bedience, and told her 〈◊〉〈◊〉 had her mends in her 〈◊〉〈◊〉

hands: so left them; and rid home to his house. At sup∣per he related all the cir∣cumstance (before discour∣sed) to his Lady, and asked her opinion of the matter. Who answered, The Bas∣ket-maker vvas a Knave to offer to beat his wife upon so sleight an occasion. Who replied unto her, Why Ma∣dam, vvould you be so per∣verse and obstinate unto me, if I should command you to speake these words? In∣deed my Lord, answered she, I would. How, saith he? I charge you to say these vvords before all this com∣pany, God be thanked, I

have finisht my Basket. Who answered againe, My Lord I vvill die before I vvill doe it. At vvhich he mightily enraged; rose from the table, and taking a battoone in his hand, had he not beene held by maine force by his noble guests and his Gentlemen about him, there had been as grea•• a fray betwixt them, as there vvas vvith the Basket-ma∣ker and the shrew his vvife. Now what manner of Le∣cture she read after to her Lord I cannot relate, being then not present to heare it.