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How Curtaine Lectures are read in the Citie, and how severally read by sundrie Tradesmens wives, with variety of delightfull hi∣stories to that purpose.
THere be foure things (saith mine Authour) which women most covet; To be beloved of young men, To be the mothers of fine children, To weare
rich and costly clothes, and to domineere and beare rule in their houses.
A Tailor in the Citie, who kept his wife very gal¦lant (who was indeed a very choice girle, and well be∣came those cloathes which she wore) before he had beene married a full twelve-moneth, perceiving divers young Citizens, and other Gallants, often to pass by his doore, and sometimes make impertinent businesse to his house, he thinking to pre∣vent the worst, call'd up his wife one day into a pri∣vate chamber, and began to question her about sundry
things, of which the woman was meerely innocent: all this would not perswade the man, but being absolute∣ly jealous of her honesty, he began to schoole her in very rough and course lan∣guage; which wakened a fire in her bosome which till then lay hid, and now brake forth at her tongue. Then she told him what matches she might have had when she was a maid, and what fortunes she had neglected in making choice of him▪ how she might have beene married to a man, and now she had cast her selfe away upon a Tailor; with the like:
in so much that when shee had once begun she knew not how to make an end, but call'd him foole, and jealous coxcomb, putting him to such a silence, that he had not one word to utter; but waiting till the storme was over, he then began to flat∣ter her, and give her the best language that he could de∣vise, with which they were reconciled betweene them∣selves, and made friends.
He then began to breake with her further, that for their continuance of love, and to avoid all suspicion or controversie that might af∣ter arise betwixt them, she
would sweare unto certaine Articles which he would propound unto her? Who answered, she would with all her heart; but upon con∣dition, that afterall, he would sweare her also to one thing which her selfe would pro∣pound. Who gladly answe∣red that he would. This be∣ing constantly agreed be∣twixt them, he began thus; Sweet wife, will you never depart over this threshold without my leave, but ac∣quaint me first with the bu∣sinesse which you goe a∣bout? Who answered him, Sweet husband I will. Next saith he, Will you never of∣fer
to cast a wanton glance upon any man? Or whoso∣ever shall offer to tempt your chastity, to deliver un∣to me his name? Willing∣ly, saith she. Will you also sweare, saith he, whilst you live to be true 〈◊〉〈◊〉 my bed, and never 〈◊〉〈◊〉 that con∣jugall tie 〈◊〉〈◊〉 is past be∣twixt u••? Who answered, With all my heart. And ob∣serving his palpable jealou∣sie, asked him if these vvere all? Who answered, Yes: and withall sweet wife (saith he) novv vvhat is that fur∣ther vvhich you de••ire that I should bind you to by oath? Who replied, Onely this
svveet husband, that after these oathes taken, you vvill svveare me that I shall not keepe any one of these arti∣cles vvhich you vvould have me svvorne to. Which said, she stept out of the chamber, dovvne into the kitchin, and left him ruminating upon this ansvver.
Another Tradesmans wife (for I vvill name no particu∣lar Trade, to avoid offence) her husband being at a Faire in the Countrey, the Fore∣man of his shop, vvhom he had left to manage his af∣faires at home, cast many a vvanton looke upon his Mi∣stresse, and she failed not
to ansvver him vvith the like: at length he put on that audacity to move her in the businesse, but she coun∣terfeited anger, and seemed altogether averse to his suit, threatning him, if he per∣sisted to prosecute it any further, she vvould acquaint his Master vvith it at his comming home; vvhich made him at that time to urg•• it no further. But still such interchange of vvanton glances continued betvvixt them, that it emboldened him in a second encounter: in vvhich he desired her to take the advantage of his Masters absence; but still she
ansvvered him vvith No; till at length hee urging still further, from No shee said nothing at all; vvhich gave him such encourage∣ment, that the same night, leaving his Mistresse making her selfe unready in the kitchin, hee stole into her chamber, and stripping him∣selfe, got into the bed, and covered himselfe over head and eares. At length up comes his Mistresse, and ha∣ving lockt her chamber fast to her, unclothes her selfe to her next linnen; and be∣fore the candle vvas out, o∣pening the bed to step in, ••pi'd him as he lay: at which
she began to rate him, and call'd him all the bad names she could (but softly:) at which the fellow, fearing she would have call'd out, and made an uproare in the house, and so have taken him before he was napping, de∣sired her of pardon, and said he would willingly rise and goe from thence unto his owne chamber. To whom she replied; Fellow, thou dost not heare me talke of thy rising, nor of thy going hence to thine ow•• chamber, for it is not that which I speake of; but it is thy sau∣cinesse and boldnesse that I blame, who wouldst offer
to creepe into thy Masters place without the consent of thy Mistresse. Well, for this time I pardon thee, but charge you, without first getting my good will, to do so no more hereafter; and without more words put out the candle, and went to bed to him.
The like to this was rela∣ted me of another, who im∣portuned his mistresse to lewdnesse in the absence of his master; to which act shee would no way appeare to give any consent at all: but he thinking to prove her to the full, told her that he had vowed to steale into
her chamber that night, nay more, into her bed. Wilt thou saith she? doe it then upon thine owne perill, and I will leave the doore open a purpose; but withall I tell thee before hand, I will lay a knife ready drawn un∣der my beds head, with which (if thou offerest to enter) I will kill thee. Night came, and she stript her selfe, put out the candle, and went to bed: anone after in comes hee▪ and softly stealing (whilst she counterfeited a sound and dead sleep) to the bed side, he began to open the sheetes, but finding her not to move at all, doubted
to enter, left being suddenly started, shee with the knife might doe him a mischiefe; and therefore thought to goe ••oftly out as he came in: which shee perceiving, as if shee had suddenly awaked out of sleepe, asked, Who art thou? who is there? Hee answered againe, It is I. What I, saith shee a∣gaine? So hee told her his name. And whats your bu∣sinesse here at this time of the night? Marry saith he, I had thought to have come to bed to you, but that I durst not for your knife, and therefore I am going hence: which hearing, she
replied, Now beast that I was to forget the knife, and leave it below in the kitchen; and therefore if thou shouldest stay and ven∣ture, there could be no great danger in it.
A lusty stout fellow in the Suburbs having a curst shrew to his wife, for all his valour could never master her tongue, but early and late shee would so whisper in his eares, that all the whole street might ring of her. At length he beat her so soundly, that shee durst not thunder unto him for some weekes after; in so much that hee verily presu∣med
he had got the victory over her, and so hee stick't not to boast to all his neigh∣bours about: which vexed her not a little, and there∣fore she thought in her selfe, to be revenged upon him at one time or other, and for that she but waited for some fit oppor••unitie or other. 〈◊〉〈◊〉 hapned that upon a summer evening, he and his Wife, sitting amongst others of the neighbours and their wives, she made the motion that they should goe to a sport call'd All-hid, which is a meere chil••rens pastime; to which they, then being set upon a merry pin, agreed.
Now shee had perswaded her husband to creepe into a Sacke, which he, in regard of her late conformitie su∣specting nothing, was wil∣ling to do: and when she had tied the Sackes mouth fast, she call'd in two or three of her like conditioned Gos∣sips, to whom shee had ac∣quainted her project, and they every one with a good cudgell did so bast the gen∣tleman, that hee thought his very bones to rattle in his skin; and notwithstanding all his intreatie or faire pro∣mises, they would not let him out, or suffer him to take breath, till hee had sworne
unto them, not to take up so much as a small sticke to strike her ever after; to which (being almost stifled) he was forced to sweare; nor did hee offer the lest blow after, in regard of his oath. But not long after, a great Wedding being kept in that street, and he and his wife invited amongst the rest, af∣ter dinner they fel to dance: amongst the rest hee tooke his wife to taske, and being in a measure where the men are to take the women in their armes, and lift them up from the ground, hee took up his wife, and turning round with her till hee came
to the top of the staires, and then letting her fall head∣long, she tumbled downe to the bottome, and great odds she had not broke her neck; and this hee did laughing. But such was her good for∣tune that shee was onely bruised, as hee had before been beaten; and finding it no advantage for her further to contend with him, shee submitted her selfe, and hee accepted of her submission; which on both sides was so unfainedly done, that they lived in great unity and love all the rest of their life after.
But not altogether to tire
the Reader with quarrelling and scolding: I was told of a very faire virgin of the Ci∣ty, who by her fathers en∣forcement (but farre against her owne minde) was com∣peld to matcht with an anci∣ent and grave Citizen; who finding her sitting very sad and pensive the same day of her marriage, came to com∣fort her: and grasping her a∣bout the waste, said, Bee of good cheere my faire wife, an old horse will travell and goe through a long journey as wel as a young. At which words she fetching a grea•• sigh, and laying her hand upon the bottome of her
belly, said, I, but I feare Sir, not in this rode way.
Another Tradesman ha∣ving a drunken queane to his wife, whom he could ne∣ver keepe from the ale∣house, but whatsoever hee got she was ready to spend: or if shee had no monie, she would pawne vvhatsoever vvas about the house; and sittippling among her Gos∣sips, somtimes till past mid∣night, & then be led home, or carried when her owne legs vvere not able to beare her. And he having read ma∣ny a Lecture unto her (as telling her vvhat a loath∣some sin drunkennesse vvas,
that the end thereof vvas no other then hell fire, with the like good admonitions, but all in vaine. Upon a night, vvhen vvith Ale and hot vvaters shee vvas so o∣vercome, that shee vvas brought home both speech∣lesse and senselesse, hee thought to trie a conclusi∣on, if possible it vvere to ••e∣forme it in her: and causing her to bee laid upon a cold earthen floore, he made a great fire, vvhich compast her about, and calling in his neighbours, for vvhom he had provided (as for him∣selfe) furies coates, and every one with a fire-brand in his
hand, attending her a∣waking; vvho by reason of the heat which compast her, rowsed her somewhat be∣fore her time, and looking about her, she began verily to thinke shee vvas in Hell fire, vvith vvhich her hus∣band had so often before threatned her, and the ra∣ther, because so many like Devils stood about her: then fetching a deep sigh, the first vvords she uttered vvere, Alas poore wretched soule that I am, to be thus in∣compast vvith the flames of Hell: Is there never a ghost amongst you all so thirsty as I am novv, that vvill joyn
their pennie vvith mine, that vvee may send for a double pot of Ale? At which the neighbours brea∣king out into a lowd laugh∣ter, they discovered them∣selves unto her; and finding her no vvay to bee re∣claimed, got her to bed, and left her to bee a perpetuall torment to the honest man her husband.
〈◊〉〈◊〉 hath beene related to me, that in the time of auri∣cular confession, three young Citizens vvives came to a devoute man, vvho vvas their ghostly Father, to be shriven: and he demanding of them what grievous ••ins
they had committed, saith the first, The greatest sinne that I suppose my selfe to be guilty of, was that upon a time, I tooke a strange knife which was not mine owne, and put it into my sheath. The good man not much considering upon the mat∣ter, but thinking that young timerous vvomen vvould take the least errour to be a very hainous offence, past it slightly over, and de∣manded of the second, How shee had offended? Who made ansvver that shee had put two into hers: hee past her over with the like slight∣nesse, and demanded the like
of the third? Who made answer that indeed she was guilty of putting three knives into hers. Is this all said hee? They answered, Yes. Then, saith he, I will dis∣patch you presently, and ha∣ving quickly absolved the two first, and comming to the third, he began to con∣sider with himselfe, what sheath it was which should hold three knives, when hee never saw any that held more then two and a bod∣kin; and asked her what she meant by those knives? To whom she plainly answered, that three severall men had had the use of her body, be∣sides
her husband: when presently finding the errour, he call'd the former whom he had ignorantly absolved, and said, Get you hence for, three pestilent and cun∣ning baggages; I absolve none of you all, you have confest amisse: What, would you make me beleeve, that betwixt Penis and Cultellus is no difference? And so unshriven in a great anger he dismist them.