A curtaine lecture as it is read by a countrey farmers wife to her good man. By a countrey gentlewoman or lady to her esquire or knight. By a souldiers wife to her captain or lievtenant. By a citizens or tradesmans wife to her husband. By a court lady to her lord. Concluding with an imitable lecture read by a queene to her soveraigne lord and king.

CHAP. VII. (Book 7)

What manner of Lectures Wives in the Country re•••• to their Husbands. The severall dispositions of Wives, and humours of Husbands, illustrated by divers selected Histories. The morosity of the mar∣riage bed.

YOu see what marriag•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 or at least what it oug••••

to be. But hitherto I have onely read a Lecture unto women, but I come now to shew you what manner of Lectures wives use to read unto their husbands: and for method sake I will devide them into severall heads. And first begin with the Country. I find in a Prog∣••ostication or Almanac••e, continued from the date ••••ereof to the end of the world, written by Iacobus Henrichmanus, & 〈…〉〈…〉 to the generous S. Christo∣phar••s Baron of Schwar∣ze••••berg: and the illustrious Poet Henric••s ••ebelli••s; to this purpose. In this

yeere, saith he, Virgins an•• Wives shall have long haire and short memories: women shall participate in their domesticall govern∣ment with their husband••▪ and strive to rule alike, if not with precedence; and when they are willing to sleepe, whisper many pri∣vate lectures in their eares, which they would not listen unto: old strumpets shall be apt to negotiate betwixt young men and new mar∣ried wives, to make sinfull bargaines: moreover, there are divers which shall be•• suspected to be honest, and though they be not so, yet

shall they be glad to take the injury upon themselves.

The same Bebellius, in his fecetiae, saith, that from wo∣men: themselves hee hath received three things, in which there is no credit to be given unto them. First, when shee weepes, because she can command teares at her will: next, if she feigne her selfe to bee sicke, for there is no trust to bee im∣posed upon her till thou seest her quite dead: and lastly, if having invited her friends unto a great feast, she simper or eate nothing, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 is to be presumed that she ••ath first dined in the kitchen,

or else she hath reserved th•• choicest bit of all, to please her owne palate after the guests be departed.

Foure things ••ill a man before his time; a sad or sorrowfull family, meate or drinke immoderately taken, a pestilent aire, and a faire wife. Foure other thing•• wee are also to take gre•••• care, that we fo••beare: first, how we read another 〈◊〉〈◊〉 letters, the contents nothing concerning us; next how wee meddle with any thing in a Smi••hs shop, lest 〈◊〉〈◊〉 burn our fingers; then to b•• carefull what we taste 〈…〉〈…〉

light upon poison; lastly, how we adventure upon any woman, to grow into any private familiarity with her, whose condition•• we know not. Others have a proverb frequent in their mouthes, that those men grow soone rich, whose Bees prosper and their wives perish; or whose sheepe and oxen th••ive with them, and their ••ives faile them.

If a man would have an exact wife, indowed with all the gifts of nature, the better to dec••re her, she must have an hand from Prague, a face from Brittaine or England, breasts from Austria, a belly

from France, a backe from Brabant, white thighes and hands from Colonia Agrip∣pina, feet from the Rhine, pudibu••da from Bavaria, and nates from Suevia. But from the constitution of the bo∣dy, I come now to the con∣dition of the minde.

As there are many sorts of wives, so there are many kinds of husbands: as one for instance (I begin with the country.) A plaine coun∣try fellow, upon some ex∣traordinary occasion com∣ming from plow before his houre, found a young 〈◊〉〈◊〉 his neighbours sonne, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 busie with his wife, and

came suddenly upon them before they could any way ••vade it; which hee seeing, said to his wife, O sweet heart, what is this I see? could'st thou not have pickt out a more private place then this? Ile put it to thy selfe, how scurvily would this have showne, if any stranger but my selfe had come in, and seene what I doe how? and with this gentle admonition departed 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

But all husbands (as I said before) are not of the like temper; for instance: An handsome country-wife, and well reputed of amongst her

neighbours, used every night as soone as her hus∣band came to bed, to cate∣chize him, what companie he had kept? and how hee had spent the day? and still used to keepe him wa∣king past midnight, when the poore honest man, who had travelled hard all the day, had rather been at rest; and that shee would have read him asleepe. But at length observing that shee was somewhat precisely gi∣ven, and that shee used often to goe to confession, he be∣gan to consider what great sins she might be guilty of, of which she need so often

to desire absolution: and to that purpose watching the time when shee used to goe unto her Confessour, he had gotten into the Church be∣fore, and privately hid him∣selfe, so neere to the Altar that hee might easily heare whatsoever passed betwixt them: and when amongst o∣ther quotidian (or as some call them venial sins:) she be∣gan to proceed further, and say that she had committed adultery with such a man so often, and so often with such a neighbour: her Conf••ssor began with her and said, in∣deed sister the sinne of adul∣tery is a great and hainous

crime▪ and therefore leaving the rest, I will begin to ••l∣lot you pennance for that: at which word the fellow rising out) of his place 〈◊〉〈◊〉, No good Sir you shall not need to doe that, I pray you absolve her of all the rest of her sinnes, but for tha•• of adultery ile give her such pennance ile warrant her, that she shall not need com∣plaine, and desire other from you: so taking her by the arme led her home and basted her soundly.

Poggius the Florentine, an excellent Oratour, in his F••∣cetiis, reporteth this storie. A woman amongst us (saith

••e) 〈◊〉〈◊〉 so contrary unto her husband in all things, that whatsoever shee had said, how absurd, ••oever it 〈◊〉〈◊〉▪ 〈…〉〈…〉 maintaine it even to death; who scol∣ding and bitterly railing against her husband, one day amongst many other ••••veries which shee gave him to weare for her sake, she called him lowsie knave▪ 〈◊〉〈◊〉 which words 〈◊〉〈◊〉 wondrous 〈◊〉〈◊〉, hee beate her with his 〈◊〉〈◊〉, and ••ickt her with his heeles; 〈…〉〈…〉:

〈…〉〈…〉 so tired himselfe with ••ea∣••ing her, that he was 〈◊〉〈◊〉 able to lift his arme so high 〈◊〉〈◊〉 his head, and yet vowing to himselfe that hee would then get the must••ry or ne∣ver, he b••th ought himselfe of another 〈◊〉〈◊〉, and tying her fast to a cord, let 〈◊〉〈◊〉 downe into a Well, there threatning to drowne 〈◊〉〈◊〉 unlesse she would 〈◊〉〈◊〉 that language: but the more 〈◊〉〈◊〉 menac't her, the lowde•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 talk't, not changing a sylla∣ble: at length he 〈…〉〈…〉 bodie so farre as to the 〈◊〉〈◊〉, and yet nothing was in he••

mouth but lowsie 〈◊〉〈◊〉, which she often repeated; hee then ducked her over head and eares; when not being able to speak because the water choa••ed her, what ••she could not doe with her tongue she expressed with her•• fingers, and holding her armes above water, by joyning the nailes of her two thumbs together, she did that in action, which she was not able to deliver in words; in so much that her 〈◊〉〈◊〉 obstinacy prevai∣ling above his punishment, hee was forc't to draw her 〈◊〉〈◊〉 againe, being ever af∣ter a subject to her mo∣rosity

and 〈…〉〈…〉 Another Countrey 〈◊〉〈◊〉 wife, when no Lecture she could reade unto her husband (though 〈…〉〈…〉 him with many▪ and those not empty of variety) could prevaile with him, when she found that she 〈◊〉〈◊〉 not able to being him 〈◊〉〈◊〉 her owne bow, in a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 malicious despaire 〈…〉〈…〉 river side, and leap•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉, and so drowned her self••. At length the place being shewed to the good man where she plunged in, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 her body not appearing 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the water, he 〈◊〉〈◊〉 dragge for i•• against the

streame; but his neighbours advising him not to take that course, but rather to search for her with the streame; he made answer, My good neighbours no such matter, for know that in her life time she was so obstinate, froward, and con∣trary to all reason, that even in death her very body must needs swim against the tide, though it be preposterous against nature.

This calls to my remem∣brance that of the Cyn••••ke D••ogenes, who was wont to 〈◊〉〈◊〉, he allowed of them who were in a readinesse to saile upon the sea, but sailed

not▪ who were about to gi••e other mens children their breeding, but bred them not; who advised with themselves to take upon them the affaires of the Common-weale, but tooke them not; and who was al∣waies towards wiving, but wedded not: intimating those persons to be wise who runne not rashly into such things of which they have not before made proofe and triall. For when men are once entred into them, they forfeit their own liberty, as not able to retract or withdraw themselves at their pleasure. Whoso com∣mitteth

himselfe to the mercy of the seas, must stand to the grace of the windes and weather: whoso undergoeth publike office or magistracy, cannot at his will 〈◊〉〈◊〉 himselfe to a pri∣vate state and condition of living: and whosoever mar∣rieth a wife, if he be said not 〈…〉〈…〉.

The same Philosopher 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a very faire woman 〈◊〉〈◊〉 in a•• horse 〈◊〉〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉〈◊〉, he said to one that stood by him, Now surely another cage than that had beene more 〈…〉〈…〉

of that kind: noting that such froward creatures as some women be, are more fitting to looke out of a grate than a casement. The Le••tica in Greece, which I here call a horse-litter, was a certaine manner of ••eat neere unto that fashion; in which noble women and great Ladies w••re used to be born through the streets, not by horses, but upon some sixe mens shoulders; being made with Lattice windows, and grates cro••••e-barred; which our late Se∣dans in some things imitate. Those casements were to o∣pen and shut at pleasure, that

they might looke and bee seen, or not: so that it shew∣ed and represented to the eie the manner and likenesse of a cage for birds, or a pen, in which to keepe divers strange beasts: which was in great frequency among the Grecians. And in such did the wives of the Areopagi∣tae, or chiefe S••natours, and other great Ladies use to be borne through the streets; and in imitation of them, of∣tentimes loose and wanton damsells: for great persons cannot devise that for state, which the proud (how poor soever) will not strive to i∣mitate.

I have read further, of a Countrey-man, who had a notorious scold to his wife; and whether he came from the market, or from the field; or whether hee sate downe to meat, or prepared himselfe for bed, she was al∣waies thundring in his eares: nay she would not cease do∣ctrinating him in his neigh∣bours house, but home and abroad were both alike u••••to her; and still the more he threatned or cudgeled her, her contumelious railing was still more insolent and l••wd, abusing him in language by no allowance. At length he thought to try conclusions,

and provided himselfe of an harsh tun'd pipe, on which he could not play any thing that tended to musicke; and ever when shee began to s••old, he streight without a∣ny reply began to play, but so untunably and shrill, that it almost drowned her lan∣guage: this fretted her worse, in regard that he•• gave her no other answer at all, whereby to give her matter to worke upon, in so much that for very anger and despight she left off rai∣ling, and fell to skipping and dancing: of which being weary, as having tired her selfe, she flew up to his face,

〈2 pages missing〉〈2 pages missing〉

other (having a shrew to his wife); I marry Gossip, this is a good sight, it were hap∣py for us in the countrey if all the rest of our trees had the like fruit hanging upon them. I conclude this chap∣ter with that of Iuvenall in his 6. Satyr.

The marriage bed hath sel∣dome yet been free From mutuall braules and nuptiall calumny; Sleepe in their resting place hath no abiding, She'l keep thee waking with continuall chiding. Jealous shee must bee thou hast gone astray,

Then worse than Tigers (who have lost their prey) She rageth, and t'encourage this debate, Those children shee best loves shee'l seem to hate. Some strumpet she will fa∣shion in her minde, And sweare that thou to her art far more kind. With one or other shee up braids thee still, Then weeps amain, for sh•• hath teares at will.