The most elegant and witty epigrams of Sir Iohn Harrington, Knight digested into foure bookes: three vvhereof neuer before published.

Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epi∣grams, the first Booke. (Book 1)

Against MOMVS. 1 That his Poetrie shall be no fictions, but meere truths.

SCant wrate I sixteene lines, but I had newes, Momus had found one fault, past all excuse, That of Epistle I the name abuse. No, gentle Momus, that is none abuse, Without I call that Gospel that ensues. But read to carpe, as still hath been thine vse: Fret out thine heart to search, seeke, sift and pry, Thy heart shall hardly giue my pen the ly.

2 Against Sextus, a scorner of Writers.

OF Writers, Sextus known a true despiser, Affirmes, that on our writings oft he lookes, And confesseth he growes ne're the wiser. But Sextus, where's the fault? not in our bookes. No sure, tis in your selfe (Ile tell you wherefore)

Bookes giue not wisedome where was none before. But where some is, there reading makes it more.

3 Against Lesbia, both for her patience and impatience.

LEsbia, I heard, how ere it came to passe, That when old P••leus call'd thy Lord an Asse, You did but smile; but when he cald him Oxe, Straight-waies you curst him with all plagues & pox. There is some secret cause why you allow A man to scorne his braine, but not his brow.

4 Of a poynted Diamond giuen by the Author to his wife, at the birth of his eldest sonne.

DEare, I to thee this Diamond commend, In which, a modell of thy selfe I send, How lust vnto thy ioynts this circlet sitteth, So iust thy face and shape my fancies fitteth. The touch will try this Ring of purest gold, My touch tries thee as pure, though softer mold. That metall precious is, the stone is true As true, as then how much more precious you? The Gem is cleare, and hath nor needes no foyle, Thy face, nay more, thy fame is free from soile.

••oule deem this deare, because from me you haue it, •• deem your faith more deer, because you gaue it. This pointed Diamond cuts glasse and steele, Your loues like force in my firme heart I feele. But this, as all things else, time wasts with wearing, Where you, my Iewels multiply with bearing.

5 Against Writers that carpe at other mens bookes.

THe Readers, and the Hearers like my bookes, But yet some Writers cannot them digest. But what care I? For when I make a feast, I would my Guests should praise it, not the Cookes.

6 Of a young Gallant.

YOu boast, that Noble men still take you vp, That whē they bowle or shoot, or hawke or hunt, In Coach, or Barge, on horse thou still art wont, To runne, ride, row with them, to dine or s••p: This makes you scorne those of the meaner sort, And thinke your credit doth so farre surmount; Whereas indeed, of you they make no count, But as they doe of hawkes and dogges, for sport. Then vaunt not thus of this your vaine renowne, Lest we both take you vp, and take you downe.

7 To my Lady Rogers, the Authors wiues mother, how Doctor Sherehood comm••nded her house in Bathe▪

I Newly had your little house erected, In which I thought I had made good conueiance, To vse each ease, and to shunne all annoyance, And prayd a friend of iudgement not neglected, To view the roomes, and let me know the faults. He hauing view'd the lodgings, staires, and vaults, Said all was excellent well, saue here and there. You thinke he praysd your house. No, I doe sweare, He hath disgrac'd it cleane, the case is cleere, For euery roome is either there, or here.

8 Of Lesbia, a great Lady.

LEsbia doth laugh to heare sellers and buyers Cald by this name, Substantiall occupyers: Lesbia, the word was good while good folke vsd it, You mard it that with Chawcers iest abusd it: But good or bad, how ere the word be made, Lesbia is loth perhaps to leaue the trade.

9 Of one that begd nothing, and had his sute granted.

WHen thou dost beg, as none begs more importu∣nate, And art deny'd, as none speeds more infortunate,

With one quaint phrase thou doost inforce thy beg∣ging, ••y mind vnto thy suite in this sort egging. ••las, sir this? Tis nothing, once deny me not. ••ell then, for once content, henceforth bely me not. Your words so wisely plaste, doe so inchaunt me, Sith you doe nothing aske, I nothing graunt yee.

10 Another of asking nothing.

SOme thinke thee Lynus of a Fryer begotten, For still you beg where nothing can be gotten; Yet oft you say, for so you haue been taught, ••ir, grant me this, tis but a thing of nought. And when indeed you say so, I belieue it, As nought, vnto a thing of nought I giue it. Thus with your begging, you but get a mock, And yet with begging little, mend your stock. Leaue begging Lynus for such poore rewards, Else some will begge thee in the Court of Wards.

11 Of liberality in giuing nothing.

I Heare some say, and some belieue it too, That craft is found eu'n in the clouted shoo▪ Sure I haue found it with the losse of pence, My Tenants haue both craft and eloquence. For when one hath a suite before he aske it. His Orator pleades for him in a basket. Well Tenant well, he was your friend that taught you▪ This learn'd Exordium, Master, here cha brought you.

For with one courtesie and two Capons giuing, Thou sauest ten pounds in buying of thy liuing. Which makes me say, that haue obseru'd this quali∣ty In poore men not to giue, is niggerality.

12 Of learning nothing at a Lecture, vpon occasion of D•• Reynolds at Oxford, afore my Lord of Essex, and di∣uers Ladies and Courtiers, at the Queenes last beeing there, on these words:

I do him nihil est, An Idol is nothing.

WHile I at Oxford stay'd, some few months since, To see, and serue our deare & Soueraigne Prince▪ Where graciously her Grace did see and show The choisest fruits that learning could bestow, I went one day to heare a learned Lecture Read (as some said) by Bellarmines correcter, And sundry Courtiers more then present were, That vnderstood it well saue here and there: Among the rest, one whom it least concerned, Askt me what I had at the Lecture learned? I that his ignorance might soone be guile▪ Did say, I learned nothing all the while. Yet did the Reader teach with much facilitie, And I was wont to learne with some docilitie. What learn'd you, Sir, (quoth he) in swearing moode? I nothing learn'd, for nought I vnderstood, I thanke my Parents, they, when I was yong, Barr'd me to learne this Popish Romane tong,

And yet it seemes to me, if you say true, •• without learning learn'd the same that you, Most true, said I, yet few dare call vs Fooles, That this day learned nothing at the Schooles.

13 A Paradox of Doomes day.

SOme Doctors deeme the day of Doome drawes neere: But I can proue the contrary most cleere, For at that day our Lord and Sauiour saith, That he on earth shall scant finde any faith, But in these daies it cannot be denyde, All boast of onely faith and nought beside: But if you seeke the fruit thereof by workes, You shall finde many better with the Turkes.

14 Against a foolish Satyrist called Lynus.

HElpe, friends, I feele my credit lyes a bleeding, For Lynus, who to me beares hate exceeding, I heare against me is eu'n now a breeding, A bitter Satyr all of Gall proceeding: Now sweet Apollos Iudge, to be his speeding, For what he writes, I take no care nor heeding. For none of worth wil think them worth the reeding. So my friend Paulus censures them who sweares, That Lynus verse fuits best with Mydas eares,

15 Of a faire woman; translated out of Casaneus his Catalogus gloriae mundi.

THese thirty things that Hellens fame did raise, A Dame should haue that seeks for beuties praise▪ Three bright, three blacke, three red, 3. short, 3. tall, Three thick, three thin, three close, 3. wide, 3. small: Her skin, and teeth, must be cleare, bright, and neat, Her browes, eyes, priuy parts, as blacke as Ieat: Her cheekes, lips, nayles, must haue Vermillian hiew, Her hāds, hayre, height, must haue ful length to view. Her teeth, foote, eares, all short, no length allowes, Large brests, large hips, large space betweene the browes, A narrow mouth, small waste, streight () Her fingers, hayre, and lips, but thin and slender: Thighs, belly, neck, should be full smooth and round, Nose, head and teats, the least that can be found. Sith few, or none, perfection such attaine, But few or none are fayre, the case is plaine.

16 Of a Hous-hold fray friendly ended.

A Man & wife stroue earst who should be master, and hauing chang'd between thē hous-hold spee∣ches, The mā in wrath broght forth a pair of wasters, & swore those 2. shuld proue who ware the breeches. She that could break his head, yet giue him plasters, Accepts the challenge, yet withall beseeches,

••••at she (as weakest) then might strike the first, ••nd let him ward, and after doe his worst. ••e swore that should be so, as God should blesse him, ••nd close he lay him to the sured locke. ••e flourishing as though she would not misse him, ••••id downe her cudgell, and with witty mocke, ••he told him for his kindnes, she would kisse him, ••hat now was sworne to giue her neuer knocke. ••ou sware, said she, I should the first blow giue. ••nd I sweare I'le neuer strike you while I liue. ••n flattring slut, said he, thou dar'st not fight. •• am no Larke, quoth she, man, doe not dare me, ••et me point time and place, as 'tis my right By Law of challenge, and then neuer spare me. Agreed, said he. Then rest (quoth she) to night, To morrow at Cuckolds hauen, I'le prepare me. Peace, wife, said he, wee'le cease all rage and rancor, Ere in that Harbor I will ride at Ancor.

17 Of Blessing without a crosse.

A Priest that earst was riding on the way, Not knowing better how to passe the day, Was singing with himselfe Geneua Psalmes. A blind man hearing him, straight beg'd an almes. Man, said the Priest, from coyne I cannot part, But I pray God blesse thee, with all my heart. O, said the man, the poore may liue with losse, Now Priests haue learn'd to Blesse without a crosse.

18 Of writing with a Double meaning.

A Certaine man was to a Iudge complaining, How one had written with a Double meaning▪ Foole, said the Iudge, no man deserueth trouble, For Double meaning, so he deale not Double.

19 Against Cosmus a great Briber.

THis wicked age of ours complaines of Bribing, The want of iustice most to that ascribing: When Iudges, who should heare both with equalitie By one side brib'd, to that shew partialitie. But Cosmus in this case doth well prouide, For euer he takes Bribes, of euery side: Wherefore on him complaine can no man rightly, But that he still may sentence giue vprightly. I first would chuse one that all Bribes doth loath, I next could vse him that takes bribes of both.

20 Of a Precise Tayler.

A Tayler a man of an vpright dealing, True, but for lying, honest, but for stealing, Did fall one day extremely sicke by chance, And on the sudden was in wondrous trance. The Friends of hell mustring in fearfull manner, Of sundry coloured silke display'd a banner,

••hich he had stolne, and wish't as they did tell, ••••at one day he might finde it all in hell. ••he man affrighted at this apparision, ••pon recouerie grew a great Precision. ••••e bought a Bible of the new translation, ••nd in his life, he shew'd great reformation: ••e walked mannerly, and talked meekely; ••e heard three Lectures, and two Sermons weekely; ••e vowed to shunne all companies vnruly, ••nd in his speech he vsde none oath, but truely: ••nd zealously to keepe the Sabboths rest, His meate for that day, on the e'ue was drest. And lest the custome, that hee had to steale, Might cause him sometime to forget his zeale, He giues his iournymen a speciall charge. That if the stuffes allowance being large, He found his fingers were to filch inclin'd, Bid him but haue the Banner in his minde. This done, I scant can tell the rest for laughter, A Captaine of a Ship came three daies after, And brought three yards of Veluet, & three quarters To make Venetians downe below the garters. He that precisely knew what was enuffe, Soone slipt away three quarters of the stuffe. His man espying it, said in derision, Remember, Master, how you saw the vision. Peace (knaue) quoth he, I did not see one ragge Of such a colour'd silke in all the flagge.

21 Of one Paulus a great man that expected to be followed.

PRoud Paulus late aduanc't to high degree, Expects that I should now his follower be. Glad I would be to follow ones direction, By whom my honest suits might haue protection. But I sue Don Fernandos heyre for land, Against so great a Peere he dare not stand. A Bishop sues me for my tithes, that's worse, He dares not venter on a Bishops curse. Sergeant Erifilus beares me old grudges, Yea but, saith Paulus, Sergeants may be Iudges. Pure Cinna o're my head would begge my Lease, Who my Lord. — Man, O hold your peace. Rich widdow Lesbia for a slander sues me. Tush for a womans cause, he must refuse me. Then farewell frost: Paulus, henceforth excuse me. For you that are your selfe thrall'd to so many, Shall neuer be my good Lord, if I haue any.

22 Of a terrible Temporall non-resident.

OLd Cosmus hath of late got one lewd qualitie, To rayle at some that haue the cure of soules, And his pure sprite their auarice controules, That in their liuings is such inequalitie, That they that can keepe, no good hospitalitie, And some that would, whose fortune he condoles,

••ant meanes: which comes, he sayes, in generalitie, ••ecause of these same To••••••••ts, and Pluralitie; Affirming as a sentence full discust, One Clergie man haue but one liuing must. ••ut he, besides his sundry ciuill offices, ••ath brought in fee, fiue fat Impropriations, ••welue Patronages rights, or Presentations, ••ll which he keepes, yet preaches not nor prophesies. ••el Cosmus hold thy tong, else some wil scoffe at this. Thoud'st haue vs thinke a Priest should haue but one, Wee'le thinke, nay say, nay sweare thou shouldst haue none. ••l sutes it thee to blame, then for non Residents, That giuest thereof such foule and shamefull Presi∣den••••.

23 A Tale of a Rosted Horse.

ONe Lord, 2. Knights, 3. Squires, 7. Dames at least, My kind friend Marcus bade vnto his Feast, Where were both Fish and Flesh, and all acates, That men are wont to haue that feast great States. To pay for which, next day he sold a Nagge, Of whose pace, colour, Raine, he vs'd to bragge. Well, Ile ne're care for red, or fallow Deere, And if a Horse thus cookt can make such cheere.

24 Of Madam Dondrages with her faire brest.

A Fauorite of Charles late King of France, Disporting with the King one day by chance,

Madam Dondrages came among the rest, All bare, as still she vsed 〈◊〉〈◊〉 her brest. The King would needs haue notice of his Minion; Of this free Dame what was his franke opinion? I say, and dare affirme, my liege, quoth he, That if the crupper like the pertrell be, A King a Loue I worthy can account, Vpon so braue a trapped beast to mount.

25 The Author to his wife, of a womans eloquence.

MY Mall, I mark that whē you mean to proue me To buy a Veluet gowne, or some rich border, Thou calst me good sweet heart, thou swearst to loue me, Thy locks, thy lips, thy looks, speak all in order, Thou think'st, and right thou think'st, that these doe moue me That all these seuerally thy sute do further: But shall I tell thee what most thy suit aduances? Thy faire smoothe words? no, no, thy faire smoothe banches.

26 Of Peleus ill-fortune in burying his friends.

OLd Peleus plaines his fortune and ill chaunce, That still he brings his friends vnto the graue. God Peleus, I would thou hadst led the daunce, And I had pointed thee what friends to haue.

27 To my Lady Rogers, of breaking her bitches legge.

••Ast night you laid it (Madam) in our dish, How that a mayd of ours, whom we must check, ••••d broke your bitches legge, I straight did wish ••••e baggage rather broken had her neck: 〈◊〉〈◊〉 tooke my answer well, and all was whish. But take me right, I meant in that I said, Your baggage bitch, and not my baggage mayd.

28 Of Paying.

A Captaine late arriu'd from losse of Sluce, Hearing some friend of mine did him abuse, ••ow'd he would pay him when he met him next. ••y friend with these great threats nothing perplext, Prayd that the promise faild not of fulfilling, For three yeeres past he lent him fortie shilling.

29 The Author, of his owne fortune.

TAke fortune as it falles, as one aduiseth: Yet Heywood bids me take it as it riseth: ••nd while I think to doe as both doe teach, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 falles and riseth quite beside my reach.

30 Of the cause of dearth.

I Heare our Country neighbors oft complaine, Their fruits are still destroyd with too much rai•• Some gesse by skill of Starres, and Science vaine, Some watry Planet in the heauens doth raigne: No, Sinne doth raigne on earth, the case is plaine Which if we would repent, and then refraine, The skyes would quickly keepe their course againe. Now that with lewdnesse we be luld asleepe, The heauens, to see our wickednesse, doe weepe.

31 To Sir Hugh Portman, in supping alone in too much company.

WHen you bade forty guests, to me vnknowne, I came not, though you twice for me did send, For which you blame me as a sullen friend. Sir, pardon me, I list not suppe alone.

32 Of Sextus, a bad husband.

HAd I, good Sextus, well considered first, And better thought on phrases of ciuilitie, When I said, you of husbands were the worst, I should haue said, excepting the Nobilitie. Well, none, to speak more mannerly and true, The Nobles, and great States-men, all foreprised,

••n husband worse then you, I neuer knew. ••hen mend, yet thus in mending be aduised: Be no good husband, for as some haue thought, Husbands that will be good, make huswifes nought.

33 Of writing with double pointing. It is said, that King Edward of Carnaruan lying at Berk∣ly Castle prisoner, a Cardinall wrote to his Keeper, Ed∣wardum occidere noli, timere bonum est, which be∣ing read with the point at timere, it cost the King his life. Here ensues as doubtfull a point, but I trust, not so dan∣gerous.

DAmes are indude with vertues excellent? What man is he can proue that they offend? Daily they serue the Lord with good intent: Seld they displease their husbands: to their end Alwaies to please them well they doe intend: Neuer in them one shall finde shrewdnes much. Such are their humors, and their grace is such.

34 To my Lady Rogers.

GOod Madame, in this verse obserue one point, That it seemes the Writer did appoint With smoothest oyle of praise your eares to noynt; Yet one his purpose soone may disappoint. For in this verse disparting but a point. Will put this verse so clearely out of ioynt, That all this praise will scant be worth a point.

35 To her Daughter, vpon the same point, reading the same verse with an∣other point.

DAmes are indude with vertues excellent? What man is he can proue that? they offend Daily: they serue the Lord with good intent Seld: they displease their husbands to their end Alwaies: to please them well they doe intend Neuer: in them one shall find shrewdnesse much. Such are their humors, and their graces such.

36

MY Mall, the former verses this may teach you, That som deceiue, some are deceiu'd by showes. For this verse in your praise, so smooth that goes, With one false point and stop, did ouer-reach you, And turne the praise to scorne, the rimes to prose, By which you may be slanderd all as Shrowes: And some, perhaps, may say, and speake no treason, The verses had more rime, the prose more reason.

37 Comparison of the Sonnet, and the Epigram.

ONce, by mishap, two Poets fell a-squaring, The Sonnet, and our Epigram comparing; And Faustus, hauing long demurd vpon it, Yet, at the last, gaue sentence for the Sonnet,

Now, for such censure, this his chiefe defence is, Their sugred taste best likes his likresse senses. Well, though I grant Sugar may please the taste, Yet let my verse haue salt to make it last.

38 Of an accident of saying grace at the Lady Rogers, who vsed to dine exceeding late. Written to his wife.

MY Mall, in your short absence from this place, My selfe here dining at your mothers bord, Your little sonne did thus begin his grace; The eyes of all things looke on thee, ô Lord, And thou their foode doost giue them in due season. Peace boy, quoth I, not more of this a word, For in this place, this Grace hath little reason: When as we speake to God, we must speake true. And though the meat be good in taste and season, This season for a dinner is not due: Then peace, I say, to lie to God is treason. Say on, my boy, saith shee, your father mocks, Clownes, and not Courtiers, vse to goe by clocks. Courtiers by clocks, said I, and Clownes by cocks. Now, if your mother chide with me for this, Then you must reconcile vs with a kisse.

39 Of Don Pedro and his Poetry.

SIr, I shall tell you newes, except you know it, Our noble friend Don Pedro, is a Poet.

His verses all abroad are read and showne, And he himselfe doth sweare they are his owne. His owne? tis true, for he for them hath paid Two crownes a Sonnet, as I heard it said. So Ellen hath faire teeth, that in her purse She keepes all night, and yet sleepes ne're the worse. So widdow Lesbia, with her painted hide, Seem'd, for the time, to make a handsome bride. If Pedro be for this a Poet cald, So you may call one hairie that is bald.

40 A comfort for poore Poets.

POets, hereafter, for pensions need not care, Who call you beggers, you may call them lyers, Verses are growne such merchantable ware, That now for Sonnets, sellers are, and buyers.

41 Against a foolish Satyrist.

I Read that Satyre thou intitlest first, And layd aside the rest, and ouer-past, And sware, I thought, that th'author was accurst, That that first Satyre had not been his last.

42 An Epitaph in commendation of George Tur∣beruill, a learned Gentleman.

WHen rimes were yet but rude, thy pen ende••uore•• To pollish Barbarisme with purer stile:

••hē times were grown most old, thy heart perseue∣red ••incere & iust, vnstaind with gifts or guile. ••ow liues thy soule, though frō thy corps disseuered, ••here high in blisse, here cleare in fame the while; To which I pay this debt of due thanks-giuing, My pen doth praise thee dead, thine grac'd me liuing

••3 To the Queenes Maiestie, when shee found fault with some particular matters in Misacmos Metamorphosis.

O Read Soueraign, take this true, though poore ex∣cuse, Of all the errors of Misacmos Muse, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 hound that of a whelpe my selfe hath bred, ••nd at my hand and table taught and fed, When other curres did fawne and flatter coldly, ••id spring and leape, and play with me too boldly: For which, although my Pages check and rate him, Yet stil my self doth much more loue thē hate him.

••4 To the Ladies of the Queenes Priuy-chamber, at the making of their perfumed priuy at Richmond,

The Booke hanged in chaines saith thus:

FAire Dames, if any tooke in scorne, and spite Me, that Misacmos Muse in mi••th did write, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 satisfie the sinne, loe, h••re in chaines, ••or aye to hang, my Master he ordaines. ••et deeme the deed to him no derogation,

But doome to this deuice new commendation, Sith here you see, feele, smell that his conueyance Hath freed this noysome place from all annoyance. Now iudge you, that the work mock, enuie, taunt, Whose seruice in this place may make most vaunt: If vs, or you, to praise it, were most meet, You, that made sowre, or vs, that make it sweet?

45 To Master Cooke, the Queenes Atturney, that wa•• incited to call Misacmos into the Starre-chamber, but refused it; saying, he that could giue another a Ven••e, had a sure ward for himselfe.

THose that of dainty fare make deare prouision, If some bad Cookes marre it with dressing euill, Are wont to say in iest, but iust derision, The meat from God, the Cookes came frō the diuell. But, if this dish, though draffe in apparision, Were made thus sawst, a seruice not vnciuill, Say ye that taste, and not digest the Booke, The Dee'le go with the meat, God with the Cooke.

46 Against Lynus, a Wryter, that found fault with the Metamorphosis.

LYnus, to giue to me a spightfull frumpe, Said that my writings sauourd of the Pumpe, And that my Muse, for want of matter, takes An Argument to write of from the Iakes. Well, Lynus, speake each Reader as he thinks, Though thou of Scepters wrat'st, and I of sinks,

Yet some will say, comparing both together, My wit brings matter thence, thine matter thither.

47 Of Garlick to my Lady Rogers.

••F Leckes you like, and doe the smell disleeke, Eate Onions, and you shall not smell the Leeke: 〈◊〉〈◊〉 you of Onions would the sent expell, ••ate Garlick, that will drowne th'Onyons smell. But sure, gainst Garlicks sauour, at one word, I know but one receit, what's that? (go looke.)

48 A dish of dainties for the Diuell.

A Godly Father, sitting on a draught, To doe as need, & Nature hath vs taught, ••umbled, as was his manner, certaine prayers: ••nd vnto him, the Diuell straight repaires, ••nd boldly to reuile him he begins, ••lleaging, that such prayers are deadly sinnes; ••nd that it prou'd he was deuoyd of grace, ••o speake to God in so vnfit a place. ••he reuerend man, though at the first dismayd, ••et strong in faith, thus to the Diuell said; ••hou damned Spirit, wicked, false, and lying, ••espayring thine owne good, and ours enuying: ••ach take his due, and me thou canst not hurt, ••o God my prayer I meant, to thee the durt. Pure prayer ascends to him that high doth fit. Downe falls the filth, for fiends of hell more fit.

49 Of Don Pedro his sweet breath.

HOw ist, Don Pedros breath is still perf••m'd, And that he neuer like himselfe doth smell? I like it not, for still it is presum'd; Who smelleth euer well, smells neuer well.

50 Misacmos against his Booke.

THe Writer and the matter well might meet, Were he as eloquent, as it is sweet.

51 Of Cloacina and Sterquitius.

THe Romanes euer counted superstitious Adored with high titles of Diuinitie, Dame Cloacina, and the Lord Sterquitius, Two persons in their State of great affinitie. But we, that scorne opinions so pernitious, Are taught by Truth well try'd, t'adore the Trinitie. And, who-so care of true Religion takes, Wil think such Saints wel shrined in AIAX.

52 To the Queene when she was pacified, and had sent Misacmos thankes for the inuention.

A Poet once of Traian begd a Lease, (Traian, terror of Warre, mirror of Peace)

••••d doubting how his writings were accepted, ••••inst which he heard some Courtiers had excepted; •••• came to him, and with all due submission, ••••liuered this short Verse, with this Petition: ••••are Soueraigne, if you like not of my Writings, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 this sweet cordiall to a spirit daunted. 〈◊〉〈◊〉 if you reade, and like my poore enditings, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 for reward let this small sute be granted. Of which short Verse, I finde insu'd such fruit, The Poet, of the Prince obtain'd his sute.

53 A Poets Priuiledge.

PAinters and Poets claime by old enroulement, A Charter, to dare all without controulement.

54 To Faustus.

FAustus findes fault, my Epigrams are short, Because to reade them, he doth make some sport: I thanke thee, Faustus, though thou iudgest wrong, Ere long I'le make thee sweare they be too long.

55 Against Faustus.

WHat is the cause, Faustus, that in dislike Proud Paulus still doth touch thee with a Pike? 〈◊〉〈◊〉 breedeth in my minde a great confusion, ••o thinke what he should meane by such elusion.

Trowst thou hee meanes, that thou mightst make a Pikemā? That cānot be, for that thou art no like man. Thy crazed bones cannot endure the shocke, Besides, his manner is to speake in mocke. Or ist, because the Pike's a greedy Fish, Deuoures as thou dost many a dainty Dish? And in another sort, and more vnkinde, Wilt bite, and spoile those of thy proper kinde? Or doth he meane thou art a quarrell-piker, That amongst men, wert neuer thought a striker? In this he sayes, thou art a Christian brother, That stricken on one eare, thou turnest the other. Or doth he meane that thou would'st picke a thanke? No sure, for of that fault I count thee franke. How can thy tale to any man be gratefull, Whose person, manners, face and all's so hatefull? Then, Faustus, I suspect yet one thing worse, Thou hast pickt somwhat else. What's that? a purse?

56 Of mis-conceiuing.

LAdies, you blame my verses of scurrilitie, While with the double sense you were deceiu'd. Now you confesse them free from inciuilitie. Take heede henceforth you be not misconceiu'd.

57. How the Bathe is like Purgatory.

WHether it be a Fable, or a Story, That Beda and others write of Purgatory:

•• know no place that more resemblance hath With that same Purgatory, then the Bathe. Men there with paines, doe purge their passed sinnes, Many with paines, purge here their parched skins: ••rying and freezing are the paines there told, Here the chiefe paine, consists in heate and cold. Confused cryes, vapour and smoke and stinke, ••re certaine here: that there they are, some thinke There fire burnes Lords and Lowts without respect, Our water for his force workes like effect: Thence none can be deliuered without praying, Hence no man is deliuered without paying. But once escaped thence, hath sure saluation, But those goe hence, still feare recidiuation.

58 Of going to Bathe.

A Common phrase long vsed here hath beene, And by prescription now some credit hath: That diuers Ladies comming to the Bathe, Come chiefely but to see, and to be seene. But if I should declare my conscience briefely, •• cannot thinke that is their Arrant chiefely. For as I heare that most of them haue dealt, They chiefely came to feele, and to be felt.

59 Of Plaine dealing.

MY writings oft displease you: what's the matter You loue not to heare truth, nor I to flatter.

60 Against Paulus.

BEcause in these so male contented times, I please my selfe with priuate recreation; In reading or in sweetest contemplation, Or writing sometime prose, oft pleasant rimes: Paulus, whom I haue thought my friend sometimes, Seekes all he may to taint my reputation: Not with complaints, nor any haynous crimes, But onely saying in his scoffing fashion, These writers that still sauour of the schooles, Frame to themselues a Paradice of fooles. But while he scornes our mirth and plaine simplicitie, Himselfe doth sayle to Affricke and Ind. And seekes with hellish paines, yet doth not finde That blisse, in which he frames his wise felicitie. Now which of twaine is best, some wise men tell, Our Paradice, or else wise Paulus hell.

61 Of Caius hurts in the warre.

CAius of late return'd from Flemmish warres, Of certaine little scratches beares the skarres, And for that most of them are in his face, With tant plus beau hee showes them for his grace.

••et came they not by dint of Pike, or Dart, ••ut with a pot, a pint, or else a quart. But he ne're makes his boast, how, and by whom, He hath receiu'd a greater blow at home.

62 Of two Welsh Gentlemen.

I Heard among some other pretty Tales, How once there were two Gentlemen of Wales, Of Noble bloud, discended of his House, That from our Ladies gowne did take a Louse. These two (thus goes the tale) vpon a day, Did hap to trauell vpon London way: ••nd for 'twas cumbersome to weare a boote, ••or their more ease, they needs would walke afoote. Their fare was dainty, and of no small cost, ••or euery meale they call'd for bak't and rost. ••nd lest they should their best apparell lacke, Each of them bore his Wardrobe at his backe. Their Arrant was, but sore against their wils, ••o Westminster to speake with Master Milles. ••o maruell men of such a sumptuous Dyet, Were brought into the Star-chamber for a Ryot. These Squires one night arriued at a towne, To looke their lodgings, when the Sun was downe. And for the Inne-keeper his gates had locked, ••n haste, like men of some account they knocked. The drowsie Chamberlaine doth aske who's there. They told that Gentlemen of Wales they were.

How many, quoth the man, is there of you? Quoth they, Here is Iohn ap Rice, ap Iones, ap Hue; And Nicholas ap Steuen, ap Giles, ap Dauy. Then Gentlemen, adue, quoth he, God saue ye. Your Worships might haue had a bed or twaine, But how can that suffice so great a traine?

63 To Master Maior of Bathe, that Bathe is like Paradice.

SIr, if you either angry were or sory, That I haue lik'ned Bathe to Purgatory: Loe, to re-gaine your fauour in a trice, I'le proue it much more like to Paradice. Man was at first in Paradice created, Many men still in Bathe are procreated. Man liu'd there in state of Innocence, Here many liue in wit, like Innocents. There sprang the heads of foure most noble streames From hence flow springs, not matcht in any Realme•• Those springs & fruits, brought helpe for each disease These vnto many maladies bring ease. Man, there was monylesse, naked and poore. Many goe begging here from dore to dore. Man there did taste the Tree he was forbidden. Here many men taste fruits, makes them be chidden Angels dwell there in pure and shining habit. Angels like faces, some this place inhabit. Angels let in all are admitted thither, Angels keepe in all are admitted hither.

Many are said to goe to heauen from thence, Many are sent to heauen, or hell, from hence. But in this one thing likenesse most is fram'd, That Men in Bathe goe naked, not asham'd.

64 Of Don Pedro's debts.

DOn Pedro's out of debt, be bold to say it, For they are said to owe, that meane to pay it.

65 Of one that vow'd to dis-inherit his sonne, and giue his goods to the poore.

A Citizen that dwelt neere Temple-barre, By hap one day fell with his Sonne at Iarre; Whom for his euill life, and lewd demerit, He oft affirm'd, he would quite dis-inherit, And vow'd his goods, and lands, all to the poore, His sonne what with his play, what with his whore, Was so consum'd at last, as he did lacke Meate for his mouth, and clothing for his backe. O craftie pouerty! his father now, May giue him all he hath, yet keepe his vow.

66 Of a Precise Cobler, and an igno∣rant Curat.

A Cobler, and a Curat, once disputed Afore a Iudge, about the Queenes Iniunctions,

And sith that still the Curat was confuted, One said 'twas fit that they two changed functions. Nay, said the Iudge, that motion much I lothe, But if you will, wee'le make them Coblers both.

67 Of Lynus Poetrie.

WHen Lynus thinkes that he and I are friends, Then all his Poems vnto me he sends: His Disticks, Satyrs, Sonnets, and Exameters, His Epigrams, his Lyricks, his Pentameters. Then I must censure them, I must correct them, Then onely I must order, and direct them. I read some three or foure, and passe the rest, And when for answere, I by him am prest, I say, that all of them, some praise deserue, For certaine vses I could make them serue. But yet his rime is harsh, vneu'n his number, The manner much, the matter both doth cumber. His words too strange, his meanings are too mistic•• But at one word, I best indure his Disticke: And yet, might I perswade him in mine humor, Not to affect vaine praise of common rumor, Then should he write of nothing: for indeede, Gladly of nothing I his verse would reade.

68 Of one that seekes to be stellified being no Pithagorian.

AN vse there was among some Pithagorians, If we giue credit to the best Historians: How they that would obserue the course of Starres, To purge the vapors, that our cleere sight tarres, And bring the braine vnto a settled quiet, Did keepe a wondrous strict and sparing dyet, Drinke water from the purest heads of springs, Eate Hearbs and Flowers, not taste of liuing things: And then to this scant fare, their bookes applying, They call'd this sparing Dyet, Stellifying. Then thinkest thou, professed Epicure, That neuer couldest vertuous paines endure, That eat'st fat Venson, bowzest Claret Wine, ••o'st play till twelue, and sleepe till after nine, And in a Coach like Vulcans sonne dost ride, That thou art worthy to be stellified?

69 Against Momus.

LEwd Momus loues, mens liues and lines to skan, Yet said (by chance) I was an honest man. ••ut yet one fault of mine, he strait rehearses, Which is, I am so full of toyes and verses. True, Momus, true, that is my fault, I grant. ••et when thou shalt thy chiefest vertue vaunt,

I know some worthy Sprites one might entice, To leaue that greatest Vertue, for this Vice.

70 Of Galla, and her Tawny fanne.

WHen Galla and my selfe doe talke together, Her face she shroudes with fanne of tawny Fether, And while my thought somewhat thereof deuiseth, A double doubt within my minde ariseth: As first, her skin or fanne which looketh brighter, And second whether those her looks be lighter, Thē that same Plume wherwith her looks were hid∣den, But if I cleer'd these doubts, I should be chidden.

71 To his Wife for striking her Dogge.

YOur little Dogge that barkt as I came by, I strake by hap so hard, I made him cry, And straight you put your finger in your eye, And lowring sate, and askt the reason why. Loue me, and loue my Dogge, thou didst reply: Loue as both should be lou'd. I will, said I, And seald it with a kisse. Then by and by, Cleer'd were the clouds of thy faire frowning sky. Thus small euents, great masteries may try. For I by this, doe at their meaning ghesse, That beate a Whelpe afore a Lyonesse.

72 Against a Wittall Broker that set his wife to sale.

I See thee sell Swords, Pistols, Clokes, and Gowns, With Dublets, Slops, & they that pay thee crowns; Doe, as 'tis reason, beare away the ware, Which to supply, is thy continuall care. But thy wiues ware, farre better rate doth hold, Which vnto sundry chapmen's dayly sold. Her Fayre lasts all the yeere, and doth not finish, Nor doth her ware ought lessen, or diminish.

73 Of his translation of Ariosta.

I Spent some yeeres, & months, & weeks, and dayes, In Englishing the Italian Ariost. And straight some offered Epigrams in praise Of that my thankelesse paines, and fruitlesse cost. But while this offer did my spirits raise, And that I told my friend thereof in post: He disapprou'd the purpose many wayes, And with this prouerbe prou'd it labour lost: Good Ale doth need no signe, good Wine no bush, Good verse of praisers, needs not passe a rush.

74 Of Cinna's Election.

PVre Cinna makes no question he's elect, Yet lewdly liues: I might beleeue him better, If he would change his life, or change one letter, And say that he is sure he is eiect. An holy, true, and long preserued purity, May hap, and bu•• perhap breede such securitie.

75 The Author to a Daughter of nine yeere olde.

THough pride in Damsels is a hatefull vice, Yet could I like a Noble-minded Girle, That would demand me things of costly price, Rich Veluet gownes, pendents, and chaines of Pearle Carknets of Aggats, cut with rare deuice, Not that hereby she should my minde entice To buy such things against both wit and profit, But I like well she should be worthy of it.

76 To the Earle of Essex, of one enuious of Ariosto translated.

MY Noble Lord, some men haue thought me prou•• Because my Furioso is so spred, And that your Lordship hath it seene and read, And haue my veine, and paine therein alowd. No sure, I say, and long time since haue vowd,

My fancies shall not with such baits be fed, Nor am I fram'd so light in foote or head, That I should daunce at sound of praises crow'd: Yes I'le confesse this pleas'd me when I heard it, How one that euer carpes at others writings, Yet seldome any showes of his enditings: With much adoe gaue vp this hungry verdit, 'Twas well he said, but 'twas but a translation. Is 't not a Ramme that buts of such a fashion?

77 Of a speechlesse woman. To his wife.

A Curst wife, of her husbands dealings doubting, At his home comming silent was and mute, ••nd when with kindnesse he did her salute, ••he held her peace, and lowring sate and pouring, Which humor that he thought to check with flou∣ting: He caus'd one secretly to raise a brute That she lay speechlesse: straight the Bell doth toule, ••nd men deuoutly giuen, pray'd for her soule. Then some kinde Gossips made a speciall sute ••o visit her, her hard case to condole: ••he wondred at the cause: but when she knew it, ••rom that time forward, so her tongue did role, ••hat her good man did wish he had been breechlesse, When first he gaue it forth, that she was speechlesse. Well then, my Moll, lest my mis-hap be such, Be neuer dumbe, yet neuer speake too much.

78 Of a dumbe Horse.

WHen you and I, Paulus once Hackneys hired, Rode late to Rochester, my Hackney tired: You that will lose a friend, to coine a iest, Play'd thus on me, and my poore tyred beast. Marke, in Misacmos Horse, a wondrous change, A sudden Metamorphosis most strange. His horseway lay at rising of the Sunne, And now you plaine may see his Horse is downe. Well, Paulus, thus with me, you please to sport, But thus againe, your scoffe I can retort. Your haire was blacke, and therein was your glory: But in two yeeres, it grew all gray and hoary. Now like my Hackney worne with too much trauell, Mired in the clay, or tired in the grauell. While two yeere more ouer your head are runne, Your haire is neither blacke, nor gray, 'tis dunne.

79 Of Leda that plaid at Tables with her Husband.

IF tales are told of Leda be not Fables, Thou with thy Husband do'st play false at Tables. First, thou so cunningly a Die canst slurre, To strike an Ace so dead, it cannot sturre. Then play thou for a pound, or for a pin, High men are low men, still are foysted in.

Thirdly through, for free entrance is no fearing, Yet thou dost ouerreach him still at bearing: If poore Almes-ace, or Sincts, haue beene the cast, Thou bear'st too many men, thou bear'st too fast. Well, Leda, heare my counsell, vse it not, Else your faire game may haue so foule a blot, That he to lose, or leaue, will first aduenture, Then in so shamefull open points to enter.

80 Of Soothsaying, to the Queene of England.

MIght Queenes shun future mischiefe by foretel∣ling, Thē among Soothsayers 'twere excellent dwel∣ling: ••ut if there be no means, such harms expelling, The knowledge makes the grief, the more excelling. Well, yet deare Liege, my soule this comfort doth, That of these Soothsayers very few say sooth.

81 How an Asse may proue an Elephant.

••T hath beene said, to giue good spirits hope, A Knight may proue a King, a Clarke, a Pope▪ ••ut our yong spirits disdaining all old Rules, Compar'd by holy Writ, to Horse and Mules: Tis vaine with ancient Prouerbs, to prouoke ••o vertuous course, with these such beare no stroke. Then their old pride, let my new Prouerb dant, An Asse may one day proue an Elephant.

82 Of a Precise Lawyer.

A Lawyer call'd vnto the Barre but lately, Yet one that lofty bare his lookes, and stately, And how so e're his minde was in sinceritie, His speech and manners shew'd a great austeritie. This Lawyer hop'd to be a bidden ghest, With diuers others to a Gossips feast. Where though that many did by entercourse, Exchange sometimes from this, to that discourse: Yet one bent brow, and frowne of him was able, To gouerne all the talke was at the table. His manner was, perhaps to helpe digestion, Still to Diuinitie to draw each question: In which his tongue extrauagant would range, And he pronounced Maxims very strange. First, he affirmd, it was a passing folly, To thinke one day more then another holy. If one said Michaelmas, straight he would chide, And tell them they must call it Michaels tide. If one had sneezde to say (as is the fashion) Christ helpe, 'twas witchcraft, & deseru'd damnation▪ Now when he talked thus, you must suppose, The Gossips cup came often from his nose. And were it the warme spice, or the warme wether, At least he sneezed twice or thrice together. A pleasant ghest, that kept his words in minde, And heard him sneeze, in scorne said, Keepe behinde At which the Lawyer taking great offence, Said, Sir, you might haue vs'd saue reuerence.

I would quoth th' other, saue I fear'd you Would then haue cal'd saue reuerence witchcraft too.

83 A Prophesie when Asses shall grow Elephants.

1 WHen making harmful gunnes, vnfruitfull glasses, Shall quite consume our stately Oakes to ashes: 2 When Law fils all the land with blots and dashes, 3 When land long quiet, held concealed, passes. 4 When warre and truce playes passes and repasses, 5 When Monopolies are giu'n of toyes and trashes: 6 When courtiers mar good clothes, with cuts & sla∣shes, 7 Whe Lads shal think it free to ly with Lasses, 8 Whē clergy romes to buy, sell, none abashes, 9 Whē fowle skins are made fair with new found wa∣shes, 10 Whē prints are set on work, with Greens & Nashes, 11 When Lechers learn to stir vp Lust with lashes, When plainnesse vanishes, vainenesse surpasses, Some shal grow Elephants, were knowne but Asses.

84 To my Lady Rogers of her seruant Paine.

YOur seruant Payne, for Legacies hath sued Seuen yeeres. I askt him how his matter passes. He tels how his Testator left not assets. By which plea him th'executor would allude. •• in this Lawyers French both dull and rude, Replide, the plea my learning farre surpasses.

Yet when reports of both sides I had view'd In Forma paper, this I did conclude; He was left Pauper, and all his Counsell asses: Yet you would giue a hundred crownes or twaine, That you could cleare discharge your seruant Paine.

84 Of one that is vnwilling to lend money.

WHen I but buy two suites of rich apparrell, Or some faire ready horse against the running, Rich Quintus, that same Miser, slye and cunning, Yet my great friend, begins to pick a quarrell, To tell me how his credit is in perill; How some great Lord (whose name may not be spo∣ken, With him for twenty thousand crownes hath broken. Then, with a fained sigh, and signe of sorrow, Swearing he thinks these Lords will quite vndoe him, He cals his seruant Oliuer vnto him, And sends to the Exchange, to take on vse One thousand poūds, must needs be paid to morrow. Thus would he blind mine eyes with this abuse, And thinks, though he was sure I came to borrow, That now I needs must shut my mouth for shame. Fie, Quintus, fie, then when I speak deny me. But to deny me thus, before I try thee, Blush and confesse that you be too too blame.

85 Against Promoters.

BAse spies, disturbers of the publike rest, With forged wrongs, the true mans right that wrest: ••acke hence exil'd to desart lands, and waste. And drinke the cup that you made others taste. But yet the Prince to you doth bounty show, That doth your very liues on you bestow.

86 Against too much trust.

••F you will shrowde you safe from all mis-haps, And shunne the cause of many after-claps: Put not in any one, too much beliefe: Your ioy will be the lesse, so will your griefe.

87 Of dangerous reconciling.

DIcke said, Beware a reconciled foe, For, though he sooth your words, he seekes your woe: ••ut I would haue my friend late reconciled, ••eware then Dicke, lest he be worst beguiled.

88 Of Leda that saies she is sure to be saued.

SInce Leda knew that sure she was elected, She buyes rich clothes, fares well, and makes her boast:

Her corps, the Temple of the Holy Ghost, Must be more cherrished, and more respected: But Leda liueth still to sinne subiected. Tell Leda, that her friend Misacmos feares, That till she get a mind of more submission, And purge that corps with Hysope of contrition, And wash that sinful soule with saltish tears, Though Quailes she eates, though Gold & Pearle she weares, Yet sure she doth with damned Core & Dathan, But feed and clad a Synagogue of Sathan.

89 To the Lady Rogers, of her vnprofitable sparing.

WHen I to you sometimes make friendly motion, To spend vp your superfluous prouision, Or sell the same for coyne, or for deuotion, To make thereof among the poore diuision; Straight you answere me, halfe in derision, And bid me speake against your course no more: For plenty you doe loue, store is no sore. But ah, such store is enemy to plenty, You waste for feare to want, I dare assume it: For, while to sell, spend, giue, you make such dainty, Keepe corne and cloth, till rat and rot consume it, Let meat so mould, till muske cannot perfume it, And by such sparing, seeke to mend such store, Sore is such store, and God offending sore.

90 Against Church-robbers, vpon a picture that hangs where it is worthy.

THe Germans haue a by-word at this houre, By Luther taught, by Painters skill exprest, How Sathan daily Fryers doth deuoure, Whom in short space he doth so well disgest, That passing downe through his posterior parts, Tall souldiers thence he to the world deliuers, And out they flie, all arm'd with pikes and darts, With halberts, & with muskets and caliuers. According to this Lutheran opinions, They that deuoure whole Churches and their rents, I meane our fauourites and Courtly Minions, Void Forts and Castles, in their excrements.

91 A Tale of a Bayliffe distraining for rent. To my Ladie Rogers.

I Heard a pleasant tale at Cammington, There where my Lady dwelt, cald The faire Nun, How one that by his office was Deceiuer, My tongue oft trips) I should haue said Receiuer, Or to speake plaine and true, an arrant Baylie, Such as about the Country trauell daily, That when the quarter day was two daies past, Went presently to gather rents in hast.

And if, as oft it hapt, he brake good manner, He straight would plead the custome of the Mannor, Swearing he might distraine all goods and chattell, Were it in moueables, or else quick cattell. This Bayliffe, comming to a tenement, In the Tenants absence, straynd his wife for rent; In which the beast so pliable he found, He neuer needes to driue her to the pound. The Tenant, by intelligence, did ghesse, The Bayliffe taken had a wrong distresse: And to the Bayliffes wife he went complaining, Of this her husbands vsage in distraining; Requesting her like curtesies to render, And to accept such rent as he would tender. She, whether moued with some strange compassion, Or that his tale did put her in new passion, Accepts his payment like a gentle wench; All coyne was currant, English, Spanish, French: And when she taken had his sorrie pittance, I thinke, that with a kisse she seal'd the quittance. Whē next these husbands met, they chaft, they curst▪ Happy was he that could cry Cuckold furst. From spightfull words, they fell to daggers drawing▪ And after, each to other threatned lawing. Each party seekes to make him strong by faction, In seuerall Courts they enter seuerall action, Actions of Battery, actions in the Case, With riots, routes, disturbed all the place. Much bloud, much money had been spilt and spent,

About this foolish straining for the rent; Saue that a gentle Iustice of the Peace, Willing to cause such foolish quarrels cease, Preuail'd so with the parties by entreatie, Of concord both agreed to haue a treatie: And both refer'd the matter to the Iustice, Who hauing well obseru'd what a iest is: To thinke two Cuckolds were so fairely parted, Each hauing tane the blow, that neuer smarted, He charged each of them shake hands together, And when they meet, to say, Good morrow, brother. Thus each quit other all old debts and dribblets, And set the Hares head, 'gainst the Gooses giblets.

92 Of casting out Spirits with fasting, without Prayer.

A Vertuous Dame that for her state and qualitie, Did euer loue to keepe great Hospitalitie, ••er name I must not name in plaine reciting, ••ut thus the chiefest instrument in writing, Was, by Duke Humfreys ghests so boldly haunted, ••hat her good minde thereby was shrewdly daunted. ••he sighing said one day to a carelesse Iester, ••hese ill bred ghests my boord and house so pester, ••hat I pray God oft times with all my heart, ••hat they would leaue this haunt, and hence depart: ••e that by his owne humor hap'ly ghest, What manner sprite these smel-feasts had possest,

Told him, the surest way such spirits out-casting, Was, to leaue prayer awhile, & fall to fasting.

93 Against Itis a Poet.

ITis with leaden sword doth wound my Muse, Itis whose Muse in vncouth termes doth swagger▪ For should I wish Itis for this abuse, But to his leaden sword, a woodden dagger:

94 Of Wittoll.

CAyus, none reckned of thy wife a poynt, While each man might, without all let or cūbe•• But since a watch o're her thou didst appoint, Of Customers she hath no little number. Well, let them laugh hereat that list, and scoffe it, But thou do'st find what makes most for thy profi••

The end of the first Booke.