High life below stairs: A farce. Written by David Garrick, Esq. Taken from the manager's book at the Theatre Royal Drury-Lane.

ACT I. SCENE, An apartment in Freeman's house.

Freeman and Lovel entering.

Freeman.

A Country boy! ha, ha, ha! How long has this scheme been in your head?

Lov.

Some time.— I am now convinced of what you have often been hinting to me, that I am confoundedly cheated by my servants.

Free.

Oh, are you satisfied at last, Mr. Lovel? I always told you, that there is not a worse set of servants in the parish of St. James's than in your kitchen.

Lov.

'Tis with some difficulty I believe it now, Mr. Free∣man; though, I must own, my expences often make me stare.— Phillip, I am sure▪ is an honest fellow; and I will swear for my blacks— If there is a rogue among my folks, it is that surly dog Tom.

Free.

You are mistaken in every one. Phillip is an hypro∣critical rascal; Tom has a good deal of surly honesty about him; and for your blacks, they are as bad as your whites.

Lov.

Prithee, Freeman, how came you to be so well ac∣quainted with my people? None of the wenches are handsome enough to move the affections of a middle-aged gentleman as you are—ha, ha, ha!

Free.

You are a young man, Mr. Lovel, and take a pride in a number of idle unnecessary servants, who are the plague and reproach of this kingdom.

Lov.

Charles you are an old-fashion'd fellow. Servants a plague and reproach! ha, ha, ha! I would have forty more, if my house would hold them.—Why, man, in Jamaica, before I was ten years old, I had a hundred blacks kissing my feet eve∣ry day.

Free.

You gentry of the western isles are high-metled ones, and love pomp and parade. I have seen it delight your soul, when the people in the street have stared at your equipage; especially if they wispered loud enough to be heard, "That is squire Lovel, the great West-Indian"—ha, ha, ha!

Lov.

I should be sorry if we were splenetic as you northern islanders, who are devoured with melancholy and fog—ha, ha, ha! No, Sir, we are children of the sun, and are born to diffuse the bounteous favour which our noble parent is pleased to be∣stow on us.

Free.

I wish you had more of your noble parent's regularity, and less of his fire. As it is you consume so fast, that not one in twenty of you live to be fifty years old.

Lov.

But in that fifty we live two hundred, my dear; mark that—But 〈◊〉〈◊〉 business—I am resolved upon my frolic—I will know whether my servants are rogues or not. If they are, I'll bastmado the rascals; if not, I think I ought to pay

for my impertinence. Pray tell me, is not your Robert ac∣quainted with my people? Perhaps he may give a little light into the thing.

Free.

To tell you the truth, Mr. Lovel, your servants are so abandoned, that I have forbid him your house. However, if you have a mind to ask him any question, he shall be forth∣coming.

Lov.

Let us have him.

Free.

You shall: But it is an hundred to one if you get any thing out of him; for though he is a very honest fellow, yet he is so much of a servant, that he••ll never tell any thing to the disadvantage of another.—Who waits?—

[Enter ser∣vant.]

Send Robert to me.

[Exit servant.]

And what was it determin'd you upon this project at last?

Lov.

This letter. It is an anonymous one, and so ought not to be regarded; but it has something honest in it, and put me upon satisfying my curiosity—Read it.

[Gives the letter.

Free.

I should know something of this hand—

[Reads.

To Peregrine Lovel, Esq Please your honour,

I take the liberty to acquaint your honour, that you are sadly cheated by your servants—Your honour will find it as I say—I am not willing to be known; whereof, if I am, it may bring one into trouble.

So no more from

your honour's Servant to command.

—Odd and honest! Well—and now what are the steps you in∣tend to take?

Lov.

I shall immediately apply to my friend the manager for a disguise.—Under the form of a gawky country boy, I will be an eye-witness of my servants behaviour. You must assist me Mr. Freeman.

Free.

As how, Mr. Lovel?

Lov.

My plan is this—I gave it out that I was going to my borough in Devonshire; and yesterday set out with my servant in great form, and lay at Basingstoke.

Free.

Well?

Lov.

I ordered the fellow to make the best of his way down into the country, and told him that I would follow him; in∣stead of that. I turn'd back, and am just come to town:— Ecce fignum!

[Points to his boots.

Free.

It is now one o'clock.

Lov.

This very afternoon I shall pay my people a visit.

Free.

How will you get in?

Lov.

When I am properly habited, you shall get me intro∣duced to Philip as one of your ••enants sons, who wants to be made a good servant of.

Free.

They will certainly discover you.

Lov.

Never fear; I'll be so countryfied, that you shall not

know me. As they are throughly persuaded I am many miles off, they'll be more easily imposed on. Ten to one but they begin to celebrate my departure with a drinking bout, if they are what you describe them.

Free.

Shall you be able to play your part?

Lov.

I am surprised, Mr. Freeman, that you, who have known me from my infancy, should not remember my abili∣ties in that way.—How I play'd Daniel in the Conscious Lo∣vers at school, and afterwards arrived at the distinguished cha∣racter of the mighty Mr. Scrub.

[Mimickin.

Free.

Ha, ha, ha! that is very well—Enough—Here is Robert.

Enter Robert.

Rob.

Your honour order'd me to wait on you.

Free.

I did, Robert.—Robert—

Rob.

Sir—

Free.

Come here. You know, Robert, I have a good opi∣nion of your integrity.

Rob.

I have always endeavoured that your honour should.

Free.

Pray, have not you some acquaintance among Mr. Lo∣vel's people?

Rob.

A little, please your honour.

Free.

How do they behave?—We have nobody but friends—you may speak out.

Lov.

Ay, Robert, speak out.

Rob.

I hope your honours will not insist on my saying any thing in an adair of this kind.

Lov.

Oh, but we do insist—If you know any thing—

Rob.

Sir, I am but a servant myself; and it would not be∣come me to speak ill of a brother-servant.

Free.

Psha! this is false honesty—speak out.

Rob.

Don't oblige me, good Sir. Consider, Sir, a servant's bread depends upon his carackter.

Lov.

But if a servant uses me ill—

Rob.

Alas, Sir! what is one man's poison is another man's meat.

Free.

You see how they trim for one another.

Rob.

Service, Sir, is no inheritance.—A servant that is not approved in one place, may give satisfaction in another. Every body must live, your honour.

Lov.

I like your heartiness as well as your caution; but in my case, it is necessary that I should know the truth.

Rob.

The truth, Sir, is not to be spoken at all times: it may bring one into trouble, whereof if—

Free.

[Musing.]

Pray, Mr. Lovel, let me see that letter again.

[Lovel gives the letter.]

—Aye—It must be so—Ro∣bert.

Rob.

Sir.

Free.

Do you know any thing of this letter?

Rob.

Letter, your honour?

Free.

Yes, letter.

Rob.

I have seen the hand before.

Lov.

He blushes.

Free.

I ask you if you were concerned in writing this letter? You never told me a lie yet, and I expect the truth from you now

Rob.

Pray, your honour, don't ask me.

Free.

Did you write it?—Answer me.

Rob.

I cannot deny it.

[Bowing.]

Lov.

What induced you to do it?

Rob.

I will tell the truth. I have seen such waste and ex∣travagance, and riot and drunkenness, in your kitchen, Sir, that as my master's friend, I could not help discovering it to you.

Lov.

Go on.

Rob.

I am sorry to say it to your honour, but your honour is not only imposed on, but laughed at by all your servants espe∣cially by Philip, who is a very bad man.

Lov.

Philip? An ungrateful dog! well?

Rob.

I could not presume to speak to your honour; and therefore I resolved, though but a poor scribe, to write your honour a letter.

Lov.

Robert, I am greatly indebted to you—Here—

[Offers money.

Rob.

On any other account than this, I should be proud to receive your honour's bounty; but now I beg to be excused.

[Refuses the money.

Lov.

Thou hast a noble heart, Robert, and I'll not forget you. Freeman, he must be in the secret. Wait your master's orders.

Rob.

I will, your honour.

[Exit

Free.

Well Sir, are you convinced now?

Lov.

Convinced? Yes; and I'll be among the scoundrels before night. You or Robert must contrive some way or other to get me introduced to Philip as one of your cottagers boys out of Essex.

Free.

Ha, ha! You'll make a fine figure.

Lov.

They shall make a fine figure.—It must be done this afternoon:—Walk with me across the park, and I'll tell you the whole.—My name shall be Jemmy; and I am come to be a gentleman's servant—and will do my best, and hope to get a good carackter.

[Mimicking.

Free.

But what will you do if you find them rascals?

Lov.

Discover myself, and blow them all to the devil.— Come along.

Free.

Ha, ha, ha!—Bravo—Jemmy—Bravo, ha, ha!

[Exeunt.

SCENE, The Park. Duke's Servant.

What wretches are ordinary servants, that go on in the same vulgar track every day! eating, working, and sleeping, —But we, who have the honour to serve the nobility, are of another species. We are above the common forms—have ser∣vants

to wait upon us, and are are as lazy and luxurious as our masters. Ha! my dear sir Harry.

Enter sir Harry's Servant.

How have you done these thousand years?

Sir Har.

My lord duke! your grace's most obedient servant.

Duke.

Well, baronet and where have you been?

Sir Har.

At Newmarket my lord. We have had dev'lish fine sport.

Duke.

And a good appearance, I hear. Pox take it, I should have been there; but our old Dutchess died, and we were ob∣liged to keep house, for the decency of the thing.

Sir Har.

I picked up fifteen pieces.

Duke.

Psha! a trifle!

Sir Har.

The viscount's people, have been bloodily taken in this meeting.

Duke.

Credit me, baronet, they knew nothing of the turf.

Sir Har.

I assure you, my lord, they lost every match; for Crab was beat hollow, Caresess threw his rider, and miss Slam∣merkin had the distemper.

Duke.

Ha, ha, ha! I'm glad on't. Taste this snuff, sir Harry:

[Offers his box.

Sir Har.

'Tis good rappee.

Duke.

Right Strasburgh, I assure you; and of my own importing.

Sir Har.

Aye!

Duke.

The city-people adulterate it so confoundedly that I always import my own snuff—I wish my lord would do the same; but he is so indolent—When did you see the girls? I saw lady Bab this morning; but, 'fore Gad, whether it be love or reading, she looked as pale as a penitent.

Sir Har.

I have just had this card from Lovel's people.—

[Reads.]

"Philip and Mrs Kitty present their compliments to Sir Harry, and desire the honour of his company this even∣ing, to be of a small party, and eat a bit of supper."

Duke.

I have the same invitation.—Their master it seems is gone to his borough.

Sir Har.

You'll be with us, my lord?—Philip's a blood.

Duke.

A buck of the first head. I'll tell you a secret,—he's going to be married.

Sir Har.

To whom?

Duke.

To Kitty.

Sir Har.

No!

Duke.

Yes, he is; and I intend to cuckold him.

Sir Har.

Then we may depend upon your grace for certain ha, ha, ha!

Duke.

If our house breaks up in a tolerable time, I'll be with you.—Have you any thing for us?

Sir Har.

Yes a little bit of poetry.—I must be at the Cocoa tree till eight.

Duke.

Heigh-ho! I am quite out of spirits—I had a

damned debauch last night, baronet.—Lord Francis, Bob the bishop, and I, tipt off four bottles of Burgundy a piece.—Ha! there are two fine girls coming!—Faith—lady Bab—aye, and lady Charlotte.

[Takes out his glass.

Sir Har.

We'll not join them.

Duke.

O yes—Bab is a fine wench, notwithstanding her complexion; though I should be glad she would keep her teeth cleaner.—Your English women are damned negligent about their teeth.—How is your Charlotte in that particular?

Sir Har.

My Charlotte!

Duke.

Ay the world says you are to have her.

Sir Har.

I own I did keep her company; but we are off, my lord.

Duke.

How so?

Sir Har.

Between you and me, she has a plaguy thick pair of legs.

Duke.

Oh! damn it that's insufferable.

Sir Har.

Besides, she's a fool, and miss'd her opportunity with the old countess.

Duke.

I am afraid baronet, you love money. Rot it, I never save a shilling. Indeed I am sure of a place in the ex∣cise. Lady Charlottee is to be of the party to night; how do you manage that?

Sir Har.

Why, we do meet at a third place; are very civil, and look queer, and laugh, and abuse one another, and all that.

Duke.

A-la-mode, ha! Here they are.

Sir Har.

Let us retire.

[They retire.

Enter lady Bab's maid and lady Charlotte's maid.

L. Bab.

Oh fie, lady Charlotte! you are quite indelicate; I am sorry for your taste.

L. Char.

Well I say it again, I love Vauxhall.

L. Bab.

O my stars! Why there is nobody there but filthy citizens.

L. Char.

We were in hopes the raising the price would have kept them out, ha, ha, ha!

L. Bab.

Ha, ha, ha! Runelow for my money.

L. Char.

Now you talk of Runelow, when did you see the colonel lady Bab!

L. Bab.

The colonel! I hate the fellow. He has had the assurance to talk of a creature in Glocestershire before my face.

L. Char.

He is a pretty man for all that, soldiers you know have their mistresses every where.

L. Bab.

I despise him. How goes on your affair with the baron••t?

L. Char.

The baronet is a stupid wretch, and I shall have nothing to say to him. You are to be at Lovel's to night lady Bab,

L. Bab.

Unless I alter my mind. I don't admire visiting these commoners, lady Charlotte.

L. Char.

Oh, but Mrs Kitty has taste.

L. Bab.

She affects it.

L. Char.

The duke is fond of her, and he has judgment.

L. Bab.

The duke might shew his judgement much better.

[Holding up her head.

L. Char.

There he is, and the baronet too. Take no notice of them. We'll rally them bye-and-bye.

L. Bab.

Dull souls! Let us set up a loud laugh, and leave em.

L. Char.

Aye, let us be gone; for the common people do so stare at us we shall certainly be mobb'd.

Both.

Ha, ha, ha! ha, ha, ha!

[Exeunt.

Duke and Sir Harry come forward.

Duke.

They certainly saw us, and are gone off laughing at us. I must follow.

Sir Har.

No, no.

Duke.

I must I must have a party of raillery with them, a bon mot, or so. Sir Harry you'll excuse me adien. I'll be with you in the evening, if possible—Though, bark ye! there is a bill depending in our house, which the ministry make a point of our attending; and so you know, mum! we must mind the stops of the great fiddle. Adieu.

[Exit.

Sir Har.

What a coxcomb this is! and the fellow can't read. It was but the other day that he was cow boy in the country, then was bound 'prentice to a periwig maker, got into my lord duke's family, and now sets up for a fine gentleman. O tempora! O mores!

Re-enter Duke's servant

Duke.

Sir Harry, prithee what are we to do at Lovell's when we come there;

Sir Har.

We shall have the fiddles, I suppose.

Duke.

The fiddles! I have done with dancing ever since the last sit of the gout. I'll tell you what, my dear boy, I possitively cannot be with them, unless we have a little—

[Makes a motion as if with the dice box.

Sir Har.

Fie, my lord duke.

Duke.

Look you, baronet, I insist on it. Who the devil of any fashion can possibly spend an evening without it? bu•• I shall loose the girls, how grave you look, ha, ha, ha, Well let there be fiddles.

Sir Har.

But, my dear lord, I shall be quite miserable with∣out you.

Duke.

Well, I won't be particular; I'll do as the rest do. Tol, lol, lol.

[Exit singing and dancing.

Sir Har.

[solus.]

He had the assurance, last winter, to court a tradesman's daughter in the city, with two thousand pounds to her fortune, and got me to write his love letters. He pre∣tended to be an ensign in a marching regiment, so wheedled the old folks into consent, and would have carried the girl off, but was unluckily prevented by the washerwoman who hap∣pened to be his first cousin.

Enter Philip.

Mr. Philip your servant.

Phil.

You are welcome to England, Sir Harry, I hope you received the care, and will do us the honour of your company. My master is gone into Devonshire. We'll have a roaring night

Sir Har.

I'll certainly wait on you.

Phil.

The girls will be with us.

Sir Har.

Is this a wedding supper, Phillip.

Phil.

What do you mean, sir Harry.

Sir Har.

The duke tells me so.

Phil.

The duke's a fool.

Sir Har.

Take care what you say; his grace is a bruiser.

Phil.

I am a pupil of the same academy, and not afraid of him, I assure you. Sir Harry we'll have a noble batch I have such wine for you!

Sir Har.

I am your man, Phil.

Phil.

Egad the cellar shall bleed: I have some Burgundy that is fit for an emperor my master would have given his ears for some of it t'other day, to treat my lord what d'ye call him with. But I told him it was all gone ha! Charity begins at home ha; Odso, here is Mr. Freeman, my masters intimate friend; he's a dry one. Don't let us be seen together he'll suspect something.

Sir Har.

I am gone.

Phil.

Away, away; remember, Burgundy is the word.

Sir Har.

Right long corks! ha, Phil?

[Mimicks the draw∣ing of a cork.]

Your's.

Phil.

Now for a cast of my office a starch phiz, a canting phrase and as many lies as necessary hem!

Enter Freeman.

Free.

Oh, Philip! how do you do, Philip? You have lost your master, I find.

Phil.

It is a loss, indeed, sir, so good a gentleman▪ He must be nearly got into Devonshire by this time. Sir, your servant.

[Going.

Free.

Why in such a hurry, Philip?

Phil.

I shall leave the house as little as possible, now his honour is away.

Free.

You are in the right, Philip.

Phil

Servants at such times are too apt to be negligent and extravagant, sir.

Free.

True; the master's absence is the time to try a good servant in.

Phil.

It is so, sir, sir, your servant.

[Going.

Free.

Oh, Mr, Philip! pray stay; you must do me a piece of service.

Phil.

You command me sir

[Bowing.

Free.

I look upon you, Philip, as one of the best behaved, most sensible, completest—

[Philip bows.]

rascals in the world.

[Aside.

Phil.

Your honour is pleased to compliment.

Free.

There is a tenant of mine in Essex, a very honest man Poor fellow, he has a great number of children and they have sent me one of 'em, a tall gawky boy, to make a servant of; but my folks say they can do nothing with him.

Phil.

Let me have him, sir,

Free.

In truth he is an unlik'd cub.

Phil.

I will lick him into something. I warrant you, sir. Now my master is absent, I shall have a good deal of time upon my hands; and I hate to be idle, sir in two months I'll engage to finish him.

Free.

I don't doubt it.

[Aside.

Phil.

I have twenty pupils in the parish of St. James's and for a table, or a side-board, or behind a equipage, or in the delivery of a message, or any thing.

Free.

What have you for entrance?

Phil.

I always leave it to gentlemen's generosity.

Free.

Here is a guinea. I beg he may be taken care of.

Phil.

That he shall, I promise you

[Aside.]

Your honour knows me.

Free.

Thoroughly.

[Aside.

Phil.

When can I see him, sir?

Free.

Now; directly call at my my house, and take him in your hand.

Phil.

Sir, I will be with you in a minute. I will but step into the market to let the next tradesmen know they must not trust any of our servants, now they are at board wages Humph!

Free.

How happy is Mr. Lovel in so excellent a servant!

[Exit.

Phil.

Ha; ha, ha! This is one of my master's prudent friends, who dines with him three times a week, and thinks he is mighty generous in giving me five guineas at Christmas. Damn all such sheaking scoundrels, I say.

[Exit.

SCENE, The Servants Hall in Lovell's House.

Kingston and Coachman drunk and sleepy.

[A knocking at the door.

King.

Somebody knocks coachy, go, go to the door coachy!

Coach.

I'll not go do you go, you black dog.

King.

Devil shall fetch me if I go.

[Knocking.

Coach.

Why then let him stay I'll not go damme. Ay, knock the door down and let yourself in.

[Knocking.

King.

Ay, ay, knock again, knock again.

Coach.

Master is gone into Devonshire, so he can't be there So I'll go to sleep.

King.

So will I, I'll go to sleep too.

Coach.

You lie devil, you shall not go to sleep till I am asleep, I am king of the kitchen.

King.

No, You are not king; but when you are drunk, you are sulky as hell. Here is cooky coming she is king and queen too.

Enter Cook.

Cook.

Somebody has knocked at the door twenty times, and nobody hears, Why, coachman, Kingston, ye drunken bears! why don't one of you go to the door?

Coach.

You go, cook, you go.

Cook.

Hang me if I go.

King.

Yes, yes, cooky, go, Mollsy, Pollsy, go.

Cook.

Out, you black toad. It is none of my business, and go I will not.

[Sits down.

Enter Philip with Lovel disguised.

Phil.

I might have stayed at the door all night, as the little man in the play says, if I had not had the key of the door in my pocket. What is come to you all?

Cook,

There is John coachman and Kingston as drunk as two bears.

Phil.

Ah, ha, my lads! what finished already? These are the very best of servants. Poor fellows; I suppose they have been drinking their master's good journey ha, ha!

Lov.

No doubt on't.

[Aside.

Phil.

Yo ho! get to bed, you dogs, and sleep yourselves sober, that you may be able to get drunk again bye-and-bye. They are as fast as a church Jemmy.

Lov.

Anon.

Phil.

Do you love drinking?

Lov.

Yes I loves ale.

Phil.

You dog you shall swim in Burgundy.

Lov.

Burgundy! what's that?

Phil.

Cook, wake those honest gentlemen, and see them to bed

Cook.

It is impossible to wake them.

Lov.

I think I could wake 'em sir, if I might, heh

Phil.

Do, Jemmy, wake 'em, ha, ha, ha!

Lov.

Hip, Mr. Coachman.

[Gives him a great slap on the face.

Coach.

Oh! oh! What! Zounds! Oh! damn you.

Lov.

What blackey, blackey!

[Pulls him by the nose.

King.

Oh, oh! What now, Curse you! Oh

Lov.

Ha, ha, ha,

Phil.

Ha, ha, ha,—Well done, Jemmy. Cook see those gentry to bed.

Cook.

Marry come up, I say so too; not I indeed.

Coach.

She shan't see us to bed. We'll see ourselves to bed.

King.

We got drunk together, and we'll go to bed together,

[Exeunt reeling.

Phil.

You see how we live, boy.

Lov.

Yes, I sees how you live.

Phil,

Let the supper be elegant, cook.

Cook.

Who pays for it?

Phil.

My master to be sure; who else? ha, ha, ha, He is rich enough, I hope, ha, ha, ha,

Lov.

Humph?

Phil.

Each of us must take a part, and sink it in our next weekly bills; that is the way.

Lov.

Soh!

[Aside.

Cook.

Prithee, Phillip, what boy is this?

Phil.

A boy of Freeman's recommending.

Lov.

Yes, I'm 'squire Freeman's boy—heh—

Cook.

Freeman is a stingy bound, and you may tell him I say so. He dines here three times a week, and I never saw the colour of his money yet.

Lov.

Ha, ha, ha! that is good—Freeman shall have it

[Aside.

Cook.

I must step to the tallow-chandler's to dispose of some of my perquisites; and then I'll set about supper.

Phil.

Well said cook, that is right; the perquisite is the thing, cook.

Cook.

Cloe, Cloe! where are you, Cloe?—

[Calls.

Enter Cloe.

Cloe.

Yes, mistress—

Cook.

Take that box, and follow me.

[Exit

Cloe.

Yes, mistress—

[Takes the Box.]

—Who is this?

[Seeing Lovel.]

—He, he, he!—Oh—This is pretty, boy —He, he, he!—Oh—This is pretty red hair—He, he, he! You shall be in love with me bye-and-bye—He, he!

[Exit Chuckling Lovel under th•• chin.

Lov.

A very pretty amour

[Aside.]

〈◊〉〈◊〉 la! what a fine room is this!—Is this the dining room 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Sir?

Phil.

No; our drinking-room.

Lov.

La! la! what a fine lady 〈◊〉〈◊〉—This is madam I ••••ppose.

Phil.

Where have you been Kitty?

Enter Kitty.

Kit.

I have been disposing of some of his honour's shirts and other linen, which it is a shame his honour should wear any longer.—Mother Barter is above, and waits to know if you have any commands for her.

Phil.

I shall dispose of my wardrobe to-morrow.

Kit.

Who have we here?

[Lovel bows.

Phil.

A boy of Freeman's; a poor, silly fool—

[Aside.

Lov.

Thank you

Phil.

I intend the entertainment this evening as a compliment to you, Kitty.

Kit.

I am your humble. Mr. Phillip.

Phil.

But I beg I may see none of your airs, or hear any of our French Gibberish with the duke.

Kit.

Don't be jealous, Phil.

[Fawningly.

Phil.

I intend, before our marriage, to settle something handsome upon you; and with the five hunderd pounds which I have already saved in this extravagant fellow's family—

Lov.

A dog!

[Aside]

O la, la! what! have you five hundred pounds?

Phil.

Peace, blockhead.

Kit.

I'll tell you what you shall do, Phil.

Phil.

Ay, what shall I do?

Kit.

You shall set up a chocolate-house, my dear

Phil.

Yes, and be cucko••ded.

[Apart.

Kit.

You know my edu••ation was a very genteel one.—I was a half-boarder at Chelsea, and I speak French like a na∣tive Comment vous portez vous Mounfi••ur?

[Aukwardly

Phil.

Psha, psha!

Kit.

One is nothing without French. I shall shine in the bar. Do you speak French, boy?

Lov.

Anon.

Kit.

Anon O the fool! ha, ha, ha! Come here, do, and let me new-mould you a little. You must be a good boy, and wait upon the gentle folks to-night.

[S••…••…ties and powders his hair.

Lov.

Yes, an't please you, I'll do my best.

Kit.

His best! O the natural! This is a strange head of hair of thine, boy. It is so course, and so carotty.

Lov.

All my brothers be red in the pole.

[P••illip and Kitty laugh.

Kit.

There, now you are somthing like Come. Phillip, give the boy a lesson, and then I'll lecture him out of the Ser∣vant's Guide.

Phil,

Come, Sir, first, Hold up your head; very well; turn out your toes, Sir; very well; now call coach.

Lov.

What is call coach?

Phil.

Thus, Sir! Coach, coach, coach!

[Loud.

[Imitating.

Phil.

Admirable! the knave has a good ear Now, Sir tell me a lie.

Lov.

O la! I never told a lie in all my life.

Phil.

Then it is high time you should begin now; what is a servant good for that can't tell a lie?

Kit.

And stand in it Now I'll lecture him

[Takes out a book.]

This is "The servant's guide to wealth, by Tymothy Shoul∣dernot, formerly servant to several noblemen, and now an offi∣cer in the customs; necessary for all servants."

Phil.

Mind, Sir, what excellent rules the book contains, and remember them well. Come, Kitty, begin.

Kit.

(Reads.)

Advice to the footman.

"Let it for ever be your plan "To be the master, not the man, "And do as little as you can.

Lov.

He, he, he! •…•…es, I'll do nothing at all, not I.

Kit.

"At market never think it stealing "To keep with tradesmen proper dealing? "All •…•…ewards have a fellow-fee••ing.

Phil.

You will understand that better one day or other, boy.

Kit.

To the groom,

"Never allow your master able "To judge of matters in the stable:

"If he should roughly speak his mind, "Or to dismiss you seems inclin'd, "Lame the best horse, or break his wind.

Lov.

Oddines! that's good he, he, he!

Kit.

To the coachman. "If your good master on you doates, "Ne'er leave his house to serve a stranger; "But pocket hay, and straw, and oats, "And let the horses eat the manger.

Lov.

Eat the manger! he, he, he!

Kit.

I won't give you too much at a time Here, boy, take the book, and read it every night and morning before you say your prayers.

Phil.

Ha, ha, ha! very good; but now for business.

Kit.

Right I'll go and get one of the damask tablecloaths. and some napkins; and be sure, Phil, your sideboard is very smart.

[Exit.

Phil.

That it shall. Come, Jemmy

[Exit.

Lov.

Soh! soh! It works well.

[Exit.