Memoirs of the extraordinary life, works, and discoveries of Martinus Scriblerus. By Mr. Pope:

CHAP. VIII.

ANATOMY.

COrnelius, it is certain, had a most superstitious veneration for the Ancients; and if they contradicted each other, his Reason was so pliant and ductile, that he was always of the opinion of the last he read. But he reckon'd it a point of honour never to be vanquish'd in a dispute; from

which quality he acquir'd the title of the Invincible Doctor. While the Pro∣fessor of Anatomy was demonstrating to his son the several kinds of Intestines, Cornelius affirm'd that there were only two, the Colon and the Aichos, accord∣ing to Hippocrates, who it was impos∣sible could ever be mistaken. It was in vain to assure him this error proceed∣ed from want of accuracy in dividing the whole Canal of the Guts: Say what you please (he reply'd) this is both mine and Hippocrates's opinion. You may with equal reason (answer'd the Professor) affirm that a man's Liver hath five Lobes, and deny the Circula∣tion of the blood. Ocular demonstra∣tion (said Cornelius) seems to be on your side, yet I shall not give it up: Show me any viscus of a human body, and I will bring you a Monster that differs from the common rule in the structure of it. If Nature shews such variety in the same age, why may she not have extended it further in several ages? Produce me a man now of the age of an Antidiluvian; of the strength

of Sampson, or the size of the Giants. If in the whole, why not in parts of the body, may it not be possible the present generation of men may differ from the Ancients? The Moderns have perhaps lengthen'd the channel of the guts by Gluttony, and diminish'd the liver by hard drinking. Though it shall be demonstrated that modern blood circulates, yet I will still believe with Hippocrates, that the blood of the Ancients had a flux and reflux from the heart, like a Tide. Consider how Luxury hath introduced new diseases, and with them not improbably alter'd the whole Course of the Fluids. Con∣sider how the current of mighty Rivers, nay the very channels of the Ocean are changed from what they were in an∣cient days; and can we be so vain to imagine, that the Microcosm of the human body alone is exempted from the fate of all things? I question not but plausible Conjectures may be made even as to the Time when the blood first began to circulate.—Such dis∣putes as these frequently perplex'd the

Professor to that degree, that he would now and then in a passion leave him in the middle of a Lecture, as he did at this time.

There unfortunately happen'd soon after, an unusual accident, which re∣tarded the prosecution of the studies of Martin. Having purchased the body of a Malefactor, he hir'd a Room for its dissection near the Pest-fields in St. Giles's, at a little distance from Tyburn Road. Crambe (to whose care this bo∣dy was committed) carry'd it thither about twelve a clock at night in a Hack∣ney-coach, few House-keepers being very willing to let their lodgings to such kind of Operators. As he was softly stalking up stairs in the dark, with the dead man in his arms, his burthen had like to have slipp'd from him, which he (to save from falling) grasp'd so hard about the belly that it forced the wind through the Anus, with a noise exactly like the Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not comprehend how this part of the Animal Oeconomy could remain in a dead man) was so terrify'd,

that he threw down the body, ran up to his master, and had scarce breath to tell him what had happen'd. Martin with all his Philosophy could not pre∣vail upon him to return to his post. You may say what you please (quoth Crambe) no man alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay, he seemed to be mightily relieved by it. The rolling of the corps down stairs made such a noise that it awak'd the whole house. The maid shriek'd, the landlady cry'd out Thieves; but the Landlord, in his shirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand and a drawn sword in the other, ventur'd out of the Room. The maid with only a single petticoat ran up stairs, but spurning at the dead body, fell up∣on it in a swoon. Now the Landlord stood still and list'ned, then he look'd behind him, and ventur'd down in this manner one stair after another, 'till he came where lay his maid, as dead, up∣on another corps unknown. The wife ran into the street and cry'd out Mur∣der! the Watch ran in, while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar,

were coming down stairs. The Watch imagin'd they were making their escape, seiz'd them immediately, and carried them to a neighbouring Justice; where, upon searching them, several kind of knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them. The Justice first examin'd Crambe. What is your Name? says the Justice. I have acquir'd (quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me Crambe or Crambo, no mat∣ter which, as to my self; though it may be some dispute to posterity.—What is yours and your Masters pro∣fession?—It is our business to imbrue our hands in blood; we cut off the heads, and pull out the hearts of those that never injur'd us; we rip up big-belly'd women, and tear children limb from limb. Mar∣tin endeavour'd to interrupt him; but the Justice being strangely astonish'd with the frankness of Crambe's Con∣fession, order'd him to proceed; upon which he made the following Speech.

May it please your Worship, as touch∣ing the body of this man, I can answer each head that my accusers alledge against

me, to a hair. They have hitherto talk'd like num-sculls without brains; but if your Worship will not only give ear, but regard me with a favourable eye, I will not be brow-beaten by the supercilious looks of my adversaries, who now stand cheek by jowl by your Worship. I will prove to their faces, that their foul mouths have not open'd their lips without a fal∣sity; though they have shewed their teeth as if they would bite off my nose. Now, Sir, that I may fairly slip my Neck out of the collar, I beg this matter may not be slightly skin'd over. Tho' I have no man here to back me, I will un-bosom my self, since Truth is on my side, and shall give them their bellies full, though they think they have me upon the hip. Whereas they say I came into their lodg∣ings, with arms, and murder'd this man without their Privity, I declare I had not the least Finger in it; and since I am to stand upon my own legs, nothing of this matter shall be left till I set it upon a right foot. In the vein I am in, I cannot for my heart's blood and guts bear this usage: I shall not spare my

lungs to defend my good name: I was ever reckon'd a good liver; and I think I have the bowels of compassion. I ask but justice, and from the crown of my head to the soal of my foot I shall ever acknowledge my self your Worship's hum∣ble Servant.

The Justice stared, the Landlord and Landlady lifted up their eyes, and Mar∣tin fretted, while Crambe talk'd in this rambling incoherent manner; till at length Martin begg'd to be heard. It was with great difficulty that the Ju∣stice was convinc'd, till they sent for the Finisher of human laws, of whom the Corps had been purchas'd; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No sooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a passion at Crambe. What Daemon, he cry'd, hath possessed thee that thou will never forsake that imper∣tinent custom of punning? Neither my council nor my example have thus misled thee; thou governest thy self by most erro∣neous Maxims. Far from it (answers Crambe) my life is as orderly as my

Dictionary, for by my Dictionary I or∣der my life. I have made a Kalendar of radical words for all the seasons, months, and days of the year: Every day I am under the dominion of a cer∣tain Word: but this day in particular I cannot be misled, for I am govern'd by one that rules all sexes, ages, con∣ditions, nay all animals rational and ir∣rational. Who is not govern'd by the word Led? Our Noblemen and Drunk∣ards are pimp-led, Physicians and Pul∣ses fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a New-married Man and an Ass are bride-led, an Old-married Man and a Pack-horse sad-led; Cats and Dice are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are sty-led, a Coquet and a Tinder-box are spark-led, a Lover and a Blunderer are grove-led. And that I may not be te∣dious—Which thou art (reply'd Mar∣tin, stamping with his foot) which thou art, I say, beyond all human toleration—Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unprofita∣ble—There it is now! (interrupted Crambe) this is your Day for Uns.

Martin could bear no longer—however composing his Countenance, Come hi∣ther—he cry'd, there are five pounds, seventeen shillings and nine pence: thou hast been with me eight months, three weeks, two days, and four hours. Poor Crambe upon the receipt of his Salary, fell into tears, flung the money upon the ground, and burst forth in these words: O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a crime I have learned from thee: O Bias, Bias! if to pun be a crime, by thy example was I bias'd. Whereupon Martin, (considering that one of the greatest of Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had punned,) hesit∣ted, relented, and re-instated Crambe in his Service.