John Bull still in his senses: being the third part of Law is a bottomless-pit. Printed from a manuscript found in the cabinet of the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth: and publish'd, (as well as the two former parts) by the author of the New Atalantis.

CHAP. VIII. A Continuation of the Conversation betwixt John Bull and his Wife.

Mrs. Bull,

IT is a most sad Life we lead, my Dear to be so teaz'd paying Interest for Old Debts, and still contracting new Ones. However I don't blame you for vindicating your Ho∣nour and chastizing old Lewis; to curb the Insolent, protect the Opprest, recover ones own, and defend what one has, are good Effects of the Law: The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an End of your Money before you finish'd your Law Suit.

John Bull.

I was told by the Learned in the Law, that my Suit stood upon three firm Pillars: More Mo∣ny for more Law, more Law for more Mony, and no

Composition. More Money for more Law was plain Demonstration, for who can go to Law without Mony? and it was as plain, that any Man that has Mony, may have Law for it. The third was as Evident as the other two; for what Composition could be made with a Rogue that never kept a Word he said?

Mrs. Bull.

I think you are most likely to get out of this Labyrinth by the second Door, by want of ready Money to purchase this precious Commodity: But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have paid too dear for what you have bought; else how was it possible to run so much in Debt, when, at this very time the yearly Income of what is Mortgag'd to those Usurers would discharge Hocus's Bills, and give you your Belly full of Law, or all your Life, without run∣ning one Six Pence in Debt? You have been bred up to Business; I suppose you can Cypher, I wonder you never us'd your Pen and Ink.

J. Bull.

Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear Wife, hold thy Tongue. Suppose a young Heir, heedless, raw, and unexperienced, full of Spirit and Vigour, with a favourite Passion, in the Hands of 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Scriveners: Such Fellows are like your Wire 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Mills, if they get hold of a Man's Finger, 〈…〉〈…〉 pull in his whole Body at last, till they squeeze 〈…〉〈…〉 Blood and Guts out of him. When I wanted Mon••••, half a dozen of these Fellows were al∣ways waiting in my Antichamber, with their Securi∣ties ready drawn. I was tempted with the Ready, some Farm or other went to Pot. I receiv'd with one Hand, and paid it away with the other, to Lawyers; that, like so many Hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the Rogues would plead Poverty, and Scarcity of Money, that always ended in receiving Ninety for the Hundred After they had got Possessi∣on of my best Rents, they were able to supply me with my own Mony. But what was worse, when I look'd into the Securities, there was no Clause of Redemp∣tion.

Mrs. Bull.

No Clause of Redemption, say you; that's hard!

John Bull.

No great matter, for I cannot pay them. They had got a worse Trick than that; the same Man bought and Sold to himself, paid the Mony, and gave the Acquittance: The same Man was Butcher and Grasier, Brewer and Butler, Cook and Poulterer. There is something still worse than all this; there came twenty Bills upon me at once, which I had given Mo∣ny to discharge; I was like to be pull'd to Pieces, by Brewer, Butcher, and Baker, even my Herb-Woman dun'd me as I went along the Streets (thanks to my Friend Sir R••ger, else I must have gone to Goal). When I askd the meaning of this, I was told, the Mony went to the Lawyers; Counsel won't tick, Sir; Hocus was urging; my Book-keeper sat Sotting all Day, playing at Purt, and All-fours: In short, by griping Usurers, devouring Lawyers, and negligent Servants, I am brought to this pass.

Mrs. Bull.

This was hard usage! but methinks, the least reflection might have retriev'd you.

J. Bull.

'Tis true, yet consider my Circumstances, my Honour was engag'd, and I did not know how to get out; besides, I was for Five Years often Drunk, always mud∣dled, they carried me from Tavern to Tavern, to Ale∣houses and Brandy-shops, brought me acquainted with such strange Dogs: There goes the prittiest Fellow in the World (says one) for managing a Jury, make him yours. There's another can pick you up Witnesses. Serjeant such a one has a Silver Tongue at the Bar. I believe, in time I should have retain'd every single Person within the Inns of Court. The Night after a Trial, I treated the Lawyers, their Wives and Daughters, with Fid∣dles, Hautboys, Drums and Trumpets. I was always hot-headed; then they plac▪d me in the middle, the Attorneys and their Clerks dancing about me, hoop∣ing and hallowing, Long live John Bull, the Glory and Support of the Law!

Mrs. Bull.

Really, Husband, you went through a very notable Course.

John Bull.

One of the things that first alarm'd me was, that they shew'd a Spite against my poor Old Mother;

Lord (quoth I) what makes you so Jealous

of a poor, old, innocent Gentlewoman, that minds only her Prayers, and her Practice of Piety, she never meddles in any of your Concerns? Foh (say they) to see a handsome▪ brisk, genteel▪ young Fel∣low, so much govern'd by a doating old Woman; why don't yo and suck the Bubby? Do you consider she keeps you of a good Jointure? she has the best of your Estate settled upon her for Rent-Charge: Hang her, old Thief, turn her out of Doors, seize her Lands, and let her go to Law if she dares. Soft and fair, Gentlemen (quoth I) my Mother's my Mother, our Family are not of an unnatural Temper. Tho I don't take all her Advice, I won't seize her Jointure; long may she enjoy it, good Woman, I don't grudge it her: She allows me now and then a Brace of Hun∣dreds for my Law-Suit; that's pretty fair.

About this time the old Gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a Distemper; it began with a Coldness and Numb∣ness in her Limbs, which by degrees affected the Nerves (I think the Physicians call them) seiz'd the Brain, and at last ended in a Lethargy. It betray'd it self at first in a sort of Indifference and Carelesness in all her Actions, Coldness to her best Friends, and an A∣version to stir or go about the common Offices of Life. She that was the cleanliest Creature in the World, ne∣ver shrunk now if you set a Close-stool under her Nose. She that would sometimes rattle off her Servants pretty sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual Charities to deserving Persons, she threw away her Money upon roaring swearing Bullies, and randy Beggars, that went about the Streets. What is the mat∣ter with the old Gentlewoman (said every Body) she nev•••• us'd to do in this manner? At last the Distemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into ravi•••• Fits; in which she shriek'd out so loud, that she d••••¦sturb'd the whole Neighbourhood. In her Fits 〈◊〉〈◊〉 call'd out upon one Sir William. Oh! Sir William, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 hast betray'd me! kill'd me! stabb'd me! sold me 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Cuckold of Dover! See, see, Clum with his bloody Kni••…••… seize him, seize him, stop him! Behold the the Fury, 〈◊〉〈◊〉

her hissing Snakes! Where's my Son John! is he well! is he well! poor Man, I pity him! And abundance of such strange Stuff, that no Body could make any thing of. I knew little of the Matter, for when I enquir'd about her Health, the Answer was, that she was in a good mo∣derate way. Physicians were sent for in haste; Sir Ro∣ger with great difficulty, brought R_+_+ff; G_+_+th came upon the first Message. There were several o∣thers call'd in; but, as usual upon such Occasions, they differ'd strangely at the Consultation. At last they divided into two Parties, one sided with G_+_+th, and the other with R_+_+ff. Dr. G_+_+th. This Case seems to me to be plainly Hysterical; the Old Woman is Whimsical; it is a common thing for your Old Women to be so: I'll pawn my Life, Blisters with the Steel Diet, will recover her. Others suggested strong Purging and Let∣ting of Blood because she was Plethorick. Some went so far as to say the Old Woman was mad, and nothing would do better than a little Corporal Correction. R_+_+ff. Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this Case, it is plainly an accute Distemper, and she cannot hold out three Days, without she is supported with strong Cordials. I came into the Room with a good deal of Concern, and ask'd them what they thought of my Mother? In no manner of Danger, I vow to God (quoth G_+_+th) the Old Woman is Hysterical, Fanciful, Sir, I vow to God. I tell you, Sir (says R_+_+ff) she can't live three Days to an end, unless there is some very effectual Course taken with her, she has a Malignant Fever. Then Fool, Puppy, and Block∣head, was the best Words they gave. I could hardly restrain them from throwing the Ink-Bottles at one another's Heads. I forgot to tell you, that one Party of the Physicians desir'd I would take my Sister Peg into the House to Nurse her, but the Old Gentlewoman would not hear of that. At last one Physician ask'd if the Lady had ever been us'd to take Laudanum; her Maid answer'd, not that she knew; that indeed there was a High German Livery-Man of hers, one Van Pts∣chirnsooker, that gave her a sort of a Quack Powder. The Physician desir'd to see it; Nay, says he, there is Opium in this, I am sure.

Mrs. Bull.

I hope you examin'd a little into this Matter.

John Bull.

I did indeed, and discover'd a great My∣stery of Iniquity. The Witnesses made Oath, That they had heard some of the Livery-men frequently railing at their Mistress.

They said, She was a troublesome fiddle faddle old Woman, and so ceremonious that there was no bearing of her. They were so plagu'd with bowing and cringing as they went in and out of the Room, that their Backs ach'd; she us'd to scold at one for his dirty Shoes, at another for his greasie Hair, and not combing his Head: Then she was so passionate and fiery in her Temper, that there was no living with her; she wanted something to sweeten her Blood; that they never had a quiet Night's rest, for getting up in the Morning to early Sacraments; that they wish'd they could find some way or another to keep the old Woman quiet in her Bed.

Such Dis∣courses were often overheard among the Livery-men, that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this Matter. A Maid made Affidavit,

That she had seen the said Van Ptschirnsooker one of the Livery-Men, frequently making up of Medicines and administring them to all the Neighbours; that she saw him one Morning make up the Powder which her Mistress took; that she had the Curiosity to ask him whence he had the Ingredients? They come (says he) from several Parts of de World; dis I have from Geneva, dat from Rome, this White Powder from Amsterdam, and the Red from Edinburgh; but the chief Ingredi∣ent of all comes from Turkey.

It was likewise proved, that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequent∣ly seen at the Rose with Jack, who was known to bea•• an inveterate Spite to his Mistress; That he brought 〈◊〉〈◊〉 certain Powder to his Mistress, which the Examina••…••… believes to be the same, and spoke the following Word••▪ Madam, here is grand Secret van de Warld; my sweetni••…••… Powder, it does temperate de Humour, despel de Wind•…•… and cure de Vapour; it lulleth and quieteth de Animal Sp••¦rits, procuring Rest, and pleasant Dreams: It is the infall•…•…¦ble Receipt for de Scurvy, all Heass in de Bloodt, and Br•••…•••…∣ing

out upon de Skin; It is de true Blood Stancher, stopping all Fluxes of de bloodt. If you do take dis, you will never ail any ding; it will Cure you of all Diseases: And abun∣dance more to this purpose, which the Examinant does not remember.

John Bull was interrupted in his Story by a Porter, that brought him a Letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows.