Flame and shadow / Sara Teasdale [electronic text]

SONGS FOR MYSELF
XII

THE TREE

OH to be free of myself, With nothing left to remember, To have my heart as bare As a tree in December;

Resting, as a tree rests After its leaves are gone, Waiting no more for a rain at night Nor for the red at dawn;

But still, oh so still While the winds come and go, With no more fear of the hard frost Or the bright burden of snow;

And heedless, heedless If anyone pass and see On the white page of the sky Its thin black tracery.

AT MIDNIGHT

NOW at last I have come to see what life is, Nothing is ever ended, everything only begun, And the brave victories that seem so splendid Are never really won.

Even love that I built my spirit's house for, Comes like a brooding and a baffled guest, And music and men's praise and even laughter Are not so good as rest.

SONG MAKING

MY heart cried like a beaten child Ceaselessly all night long; I had to take my own cries And thread them into a song.

One was a cry at black midnight And one when the first cock crew— My heart was like a beaten child, But no one ever knew.

Life, you have put me in your debt And I must serve you long— But oh, the debt is terrible That must be paid in song.

ALONE

I am alone, in spite of love, In spite of all I take and give— In spite of all your tenderness, Sometimes I am not glad to live.

I am alone, as though I stood On the highest peak of the tired gray world, About me only swirling snow, Above me, endless space unfurled;

With earth hidden and heaven hidden, And only my own spirit's pride To keep me from the peace of those Who are not lonely, having died.

RED MAPLES

IN the last year I have learned How few men are worth my trust; I have seen the friend I loved Struck by death into the dust, And fears I never knew before Have knocked and knocked upon my door— "I shall hope little and ask for less," I said, "There is no happiness."

I have grown wise at last—but how Can I hide the gleam on the willow-bough, Or keep the fragrance out of the rain Now that April is here again? When maples stand in a haze of fire What can I say to the old desire, What shall I do with the joy in me That is born out of agony?

DEBTOR

SO long as my spirit still Is glad of breath And lifts its plumes of pride In the dark face of death; While I am curious still Of love and fame, Keeping my heart too high For the years to tame, How can I quarrel with fate Since I can see I am a debtor to life, Not life to me?

THE WIND IN THE HEMLOCK

STEELY stars and moon of brass, How mockingly you watch me pass! You know as well as I how soon I shall be blind to stars and moon, Deaf to the wind in the hemlock tree, Dumb when the brown earth weighs on me.

With envious dark rage I bear, Stars, your cold complacent stare; Heart-broken in my hate look up, Moon, at your clear immortal cup, Changing to gold from dusky red— Age after age when I am dead To be filled up with light, and then Emptied, to be refilled again.

What has man done that only he Is slave to death—so brutally Beaten back into the earth Impatient for him since his birth?

Oh let me shut my eyes, close out The sight of stars and earth and be Sheltered a minute by this tree. Hemlock, through your fragrant boughs There moves no anger and no doubt, No envy of immortal things. The night-wind murmurs of the sea With veiled music ceaselessly, That to my shaken spirit sings. From their frail nest the robins rouse, In your pungent darkness stirred, Twittering a low drowsy word— And me you shelter, even me. In your quietness you house

The wind, the woman and the bird. You speak to me and I have heard:

If I am peaceful, I shall see Beauty's face continually; Feeding on her wine and bread I shall be wholly comforted, For she can make one day for me Rich as my lost eternity.