Page I K. N. PEPPER, And other Condiments.
Page III "'Vive la Bagatelle!" K. N. PEPPER, And other Condiments; PUT UP FOR GENERAL USE BY JACQUES MAURICE.~A4J "Forgive my general and exceptiess rashness, Perpetual-sober Gods I" Timoe of Atheese. "Mr. Pepper's voice is as sweet as a bagpipe." M~cGRiwixaa, in PauZ GUfrd%L NEW YORK: RUDD & CARLETON, 3P0 BROADWAY, M DCCC LIX.,
Page IV Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by JAS. W. MORRIS, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York. B. ORAIGHEAD, Printer, Stereotyper, and Electrotyper, 5(axton 8euilbing, 81, 88, and 85 Centre Street.
Page V TO Louis GAYLORD CLARK, EsQ. -0 -DEAR CLARK, I remember a winter evening when we sat chatting together in your san&um, sipping a mild and wholesome beverage (tea, was it not?), or answering some exaggerated shriek of the passing wind with the mild satire of a peaceful pipe. Little Elliott had climbed the paternal knee, and mischievous Jos6 hovered near, in no wise " afraid of her father." The bright coal fire sent a cheerful gleam through the roomO cosy snuggery!-and made the indolent wreath of smoke that had settled about your head appear like an indifferent halo. It was the place for that delicate coronation. The lapidary-work of this literary Mosaic was hardly yet begun; but it happened that, by a nervous anticipation, I fell a musing, in one of the natural pauses of our chat, on a certain
Page VI vi Dedicatory Letter. after-question which had needlessly perplexed me. At length, putting myself in communication with my heart, I heard that organ say, distin&ly, "Jacques, if thou canst not find here the man to whom thou shouldst dedicate thy work, thou mayest go farther and fare worse." I have presumptuously taken my own advice. Considering our friendship, your kindness to Mr. Pepper, and the liberal use I have made of your name in these pages, perhaps it is a wonder I should ever have debated the point at all. When you have inspe&ed the volume, you will have found it "full of I's within," like the Four Beasts of the Revelation; and it must be confessed, that in neither interior can we see much need of them. But it is my wish and timid anticipation one day to possess a greater fund of modesty-or the counterfeit of it-my youth and ripening worldly knowledge lending some encouragement to the desire. Take kindly, my dear Clark, these firstlings of a "vagrom" genius; and share with me the fervent hope that it may sometime "bourgeon and blossom" toward a better fruit. Your attached friend, JACQ.UES MAURICE. NNW YORK, Sept. 1, 1858.
Page VII PREFACE. (WRITTEN BY P. PEPPER PODD, Esq.) -0 -MY young friend, the Editer and part Auther of this book, Informs me that, having wrote a great many prefaces for it-some Hundred, I Understood him to say-and finding the last one somewhat poorer than the first, which he declares was not fit to be perused before a Dog or other animal, he will Depend on me to Do it for him. I gladly undertake almost Any thing for a friend like what he is: but I Confess my pulse runs up to 80 when I Surrender myself to the Task. Preface is hard to write, for the Generality of Mankind. Mankind are not use to it. When they go to write on it, they can Not think of any thing to say. It is Compleatly so now. Mr. M---- said (I remember his words): Now, no Fooling, Mr. Podd. None of your nonsense. Be plain, brief, and to the point. To Say this, is uncommonly easy; to Do it, is particularly Difficult. In my Opinion, a Work of Literatoor ought to be its own Excuse or else it should be Consigned to the fire, or perhaps Mutilated by
Page VIII viii Preface. Tairing. As long as the Wonderful genus of PEPPER consents tc illuminate a Book, that Book, in my opinion, can not Need a Excuse, I may be Mistaken, but that is my Opinion. But to think Different, is the Lot of Mankind. Mankind scarcely ever agrees. Mr. M- thinks perhaps he himself has not Done as well as he might, and says he is Afraid he will be Overshadowed by Mr. PEPPER'S genus, and thrown into a unpleasant Shade by that Individual. That Effect will of course be Produced. Iexpect to share that Gloom with him. But we should be Proud to Prostrate ourselves at the Foot of GENUS, regardless of its size; and let our Gaze wander up his lims and body, until it rests with Satisfaction on his glorious Feachers. Mr. M-- has (1) Talents and (2) Education, but no (3) Genus; Mr. PEPPER has (3) Genus and (1) Talents, but no (2) Education; (1) and (3) hiding (2) pretty Much. From this Statementmade not without Study-it is so vividly Apparent as to be quite Plane, that PEPPER is (to Employ the Languige of Racers and inferier men), A-head. Upon my showing the Foregoing to Mr. M--, he Remarked that I had Done it. That is what I intended. I Meant to Do it. I am glad he is Satisfied. He says he will not Detain me any Longer now, and will continue the subject of himself himself, in another Department. My Readers must not be offended if I take my Leaf before an Introduction. I act for Another; and when he demands, in a Imperative voice, "Go," I must of course Stop. P. P. P.
Page IX CONTENTS. -0 - " Are you looking for any one in particular? microscope."-Punch. -0 - as the mite said to the To the Reader, Page * 13 Biographical,... Genus: a Sketch. By Mr. Podd. Juvenile Poem by Mr. Pepper. Alegaiter & Wotter Snaik. Astronomy,... In a familiar (but not impertinent) Lecture. S 15 27 Mr. Pepper's Second Feat,... 54 Soliliqy: Adrest to a Berd onto the fens. The Anguished Bride,.... 58 A Tale. By Willie Wilton Willoughby.
Page X x Contents. Page Mr. Pepper's Third, 73 The Suferings ov a Man. The Erie Canal,..... 76 A Mild Rhapsody. Mr. Pepper's Fourth Achievement,. 85 A noad to the Comeck. A Tedious Story,..... 9 To Angelina,... 105 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor,... 108 Letter and Poem: To mi littel hous. A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke,.. 115 Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth,...120 Letter and Poem: To the aingel as is gone. On Noses,...... 125 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode,... 132 To the Greek Slaiv. Phrenology of the Heavens,... 137 Copy of a Painting by Mr. Pepper. The Little Frenchman,....141 A Poem (and Poet) Cut Short,.. 150 A Pause,...... 152
Page XI Contents. xi Mr. Pepper in the Vale of Shadows, Letters from Podd and Pepper. Lager Bier Lyric,... Taken from the lips of an imported Cockney. On the Clam,.... Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving, Weelbarer. Into z parts. An Adventure in the Dark, (Calculated for the meridian of several small places.) Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth, Eklips. Page 157 161 164 171 18o 189 Pharaoh,... A Tale of Bricks. December in the Country, Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter, To Venus,... Answers to Correspondents, By a quondam Editor. Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh, Tirkel: a Pome. Mr. Podd's Essay, To the World... 193.. 200 I. 202.. 209.. 212.. 219 *. 231
Page XII xii Contents. Page Pepper Redivivus,..... 236 Sonnet to Pete. A Warning,...... 239 Effects of the Abolition of Capital Pun-ishment. Mr. Pepper re-Pete's himself,... 243 Pete: an averij pome (for length.) A Delibation on Style,.... 250 L'Envoi,...... 255
Page 13 TO THE READER. -0 -F RIENDLY READER: In this page-the Vestibule, as it were, at a small Museum of FanciesI welcome you to the show, and wish very heartily you had brought your friends. You entered my " grounds" at a Gate constructed by that finished architect, Mr. Podd; and had I not chosen to set it near my house, you might have been obliged (or get in, quite unhandsomely, the back way) to tire yourself in an Avenue dark and dreary, rough, and horribly winding: the clumsy work of the proprietor himself. That modest gentleman (who has stepped from the first person and gone aside to view himself), with a winning smile and bow of ineffable courtesy now opens the "inner door;" and having whispered an assurance that he will be ever at your elbow--explain
Page 14 14 To the Reader. ing that which refuses to explain itself, and at times warning you not to handle " the things" too roughly, as they are mostly air, and slightly made, at that-he exclaims, in silvery tones, and a manner new and striking as his words: Go IN.
Page 15 BIOGRAPHICAL. -0 -TT is all well enough to talk of the ease with which biographies of common men-generals, statesmen, and the like, are written; it is quite another thing when the subject happens to be a genius, like Mr. Pepper. I made that discovery before I had thought of my work five minutes. Had not my good angel served me (proof of his existence was getting necessary) I really think I should have given up the taskappalled by my reverential notion of the poet, and a sad lack of material. Indeed, I had at last reached that pitiable state-oppressed by the necessity of saying something -under this head, and the fear of not being able to say it-I fell to asking of the circ-umambient air, in a feeble whimper, Why was I born? in the -received style of heroes (and girls) in a bad way.
Page 16 16 Biographical. The surrounding ether keeping a judicious silence on the subject, notwithstanding several urgent prayers for a confidential communication, I made up my mind it didn't know why I was born-and was just discussing the expediency of extreme measures, when the step of a mercurial youth smote my ear, as also the finale of that stirring air, "Pop goes the weasel," whistled by the same young person. He burst into my room-displayed a package-I seized it eagerlyI read it by intuition: and pop! went the weasel of my woes! With trembling hands I gave the boy a cent-meaning of course a quarter-and soon he left me to my bliss. The package was from Mr. Podd. This extract from the accompanying note will explain its object: "' Hearing that a Person (and that Person an honored Friend), who considered Mr. Pepper in his true light, was about to Unfold him to the World; and remembering the Buckler of Obscurity which was once the principal garment of that Infant Genus; I have concluded to supply that Person and, through him, the rest of our fellow creatures, with a View of his early life, Divested of that Appendage." Now for the naked truth and Mr. Podd's paper;
Page 17 Biographical. '7 for which he will please accept, here, the thanks of one who ranks him second only to the great Pote himself: GENUS: A SKETCH. " A CREEK. A House, a lowly Tenement, on that creek. A BOY, a Small boy, in that creek, Paddling. Geese in the Distance. That Creek, every Drop of which is sacred, is Squab Creek. That Tenement is the Residence of the elder Mr. PEPPER. Those Geese are his. But who is the Child with the Golden Locks? That is the future Individual, Mr. K. N. PEPPER, Esq. He Paddles as only a Poet can Paddle: and grows up as only a Poet can grow up. "' Genus tells him he must not mind his Father: and he does not mind that Father. He has been destined to Dig. Genus Dig? Genus can not Dig: genus does not Dig! He Soars, living on Apples. But that great and mighty Spirit could not express itself in a manner to do justice to hardly Any thing. It often felt Ashamed of itself. Only once (in its twelf year) did it do much. But what more do we want? What will we have? " Here it is, with the stile preserved. It has been
Page 18 18 Biographical. in my Possession upward of ten year; and I know it Genuine. Notice how Brief it is: A-FISHIN. "WEN I go a-fishin I kepe a-wishin With al mi mite fur fish to Bite Wen i ketch small i fele no fun Wen i ketch biger i say thats the figer ef you wos moar fish ide hev my wish after al ive tryde i ant Satisfyde fishin is smal onles you git god Hol demosthens 4 corns 5 guly ' "How Wonderful and Good that is! Genus was then but twelve! "As Mr. PEPPER may Prefer to write an Auto Birography of himself himself I cannot be asked to Do it without Pain. The World would rather I would not. The World will wait with Pleasure for Mr. PEPPER. It will be enough if I say that after his
Page 19 Biographical. 19 Flash of Genus at twelve, I watched over the tender Twig of Mr. PEPPER'S Brain until it grew into the Hardened Wood you now see it. " He often had pains in his Bowels. Severe as they was, he bore them. It does me good to write: He Bore Them. His Genus told him not to take Campher. He did not take Campher. No true Poet will repine at the Severity of internal Pains. They School him: they make him Great. "I watched over all of Mr. PEPPER'S Poems. I rejoiced when his first Master Piece was wrote. I also rejoiced when the second one came into existence. I have been in a continual state of rejoicing ever since. "If he had not gone into the Country, to be alone, and commune with the Voice of NATURE, he would not have wrote to me. Then my name would never appeared to a Note in the KNICKERBOCKER. But when that letter came, I knew it belonged to the World. And in giving it to the Owner, I found my Humble Name throwed in. " Such as it is, and being, as I am, the Bosom Friend of Genus, I hope the World is not Averse to "Its Humble Friend, "P. PEPPER PoDD."
Page 20 20 Biographical. Thanks, dear Podd! "The World" owes you much, for this; and how fervently it is to be hoped you may get your due I do not well know what can be added to the comprehensive sketch of Mr. Podd's. The subject of this memoir had few adventures, during the eight years in which his genius was a-blossoming. Like that of a kindred spirit (Shakspeare,) his seems to have been rather a tame youth; affording no salient points to any but the most elaborate biographer. He did not even steal a deer, or small dog. The tranquillity of his life, during this period, was ruffled by nothing more tempestuous than an occasional thrashing at the hands of his father; who seems, rather unreasonably, to have insisted on having his son do violence to his instincts by occasional vulgar work. But we may forgive the elder Pepper these rude inflictions: he thought he was right, undoubtedly. And he was unconsciously perfecting his son's genius; for the "Divine Flatness"* is conditioned on a certain amount of suffering. Little did the harsh father think that while he "' tanned the hide" of his son, he dusted both his jacket and mind! * Mrs. Partington.
Page 21 Biographical. 21 Passing over, then, the petty incidents of those eight years: gladly leaving them to some future and more drivelling biographer, we find him at twenty obeying the now well-defined instincts of his higher nature, and taking a stand on the ramparts of poetry, as one of the sentinels of that perfecter taste which the rude world is ever assailing. How naturally do we advert to his First Great Poem, which burst on the world more than four years ago, and dazzles it a little even now! There is some mystery connected with this poem, that does not attach to the later ones. 'It was first sent to one C. Conklin Neppins, editor of a Magazine called the Quog Ladies' Litery Gem; but as he was himself a poet, of. small capacity but ridiculous pretensions, he saw how imminent was the cutting of his literary throat with the razor of a greater genius, and was silent. When Mr Pepper had grown tired, waiting for Neppins' recognition, he sent a copy of the poem, which he had fortunately preserved; to a man above these petty jealousies, Mr. Clark, of the Knickerbocer; and with it the following note:
Page 22 22 Biographical. "demosthenes, 4 corners, "febuerry the 5, 1853. "Mr. C. "in mi distres & travil i am 4st to apeal to you to redres mi greaviances, which hes ben al but toar nakid by the roothlis edditer ov the quog ladys litery Gem. i cent the encloaged specimin ov blanc vers to him, & he oanly remarc with a noath it wos too blanc fur his collums. ef you shood onfortinetly thine diferen you will ov coars faver your reders bi a printin ov it, to sho that Genus aint confined concloosively to the larg Potes. " sir yours with Respec, "K. N. PEPPER," What a firm and undying consciousness of Genius does that note present! See how nobly the editor there addressed came to the rescue:" It must have been sheer envy, on the part of Mr. C. CONKLIN NEPPINS, that excluded the following stirring 'pome' from the columns of ' The Quog Litery Gem.' We take an early occasion to do justice to the talents of the author, K. N. PEPPER, Esq., who has ' chose' the hydraulic measure, because, next to hydrameters, he seems to consider it the most 'effectooal':"
Page 23 Biographical. 23 SUBJECK: A COLUSION BETWEEN A ALEGAITER AND A WOTTER-SNAIK: TRIUMTH OV THE WOTTER-SNAIK: DETH OV THE ALEGAITER: CONCLOOSION. Their is a niland onto a river lyin, Wich runs into Gautimaly, a worm Kedentry lyin near the Troppicks, cuverd with sand: Here & their a symtum ov a Wilow, Hangin ov its umberajus lims & branches over the clere streme a-meanderin fur below. This wos the Hoam ov the now silent Alegaiter, Wen not into his uther Elemen confind: Here he wood set onto his egs a slepe, With 1 i observant ov flis and uther pasin objecks. a wile it kep a-goin on so: Fereles ov dainger wos the hapy Alegaiter But alas! in a nevil Our he wos 4st to Waik! that dreme ov Blis wos too swete fur him. 1 mornin the son aroas with unusooal splender: Wich also did our Alegaiter, a-comin from the wotter, His scails a-flingin ov the rais ov the son baco to the fountin-hed wich thay ariginly cum frum. But hevin hed nothin fur to ete fur sum time, he Wos slepy, & gapt, in a short time, widely,
Page 24 24 Biographical. Unfoaldin sune a welth ov perl-wite teth. the rais ov the son sune shet his sinister i, Becos ov thayr mutooal splender & wormth. the Evil Our (wich i sed) wos now cum: Evidently a good chans fur a wotter-snaik ov the large Speshy-wich sune apeard into the horrison, nere the bang ware repoasd Camly in slepe the Alegaiter be4 spoken ov. about 60 foot wos his Length, (not the 'gaiter,) & he wos aperiently a wel propoarshund snaik. Wen he wos al ashoar, he glared onto the iland with approval-but wos sune "Astonished with the vew & lost to wonder," (frum Wors.) (fur gest then he begund fur to se the Alegaiter.) Bein a nateral Ennemy ov hisn, he werct hisself into a fury, also a ni posishun. Be4 the Alegaiter wel cood ope His i, (in uther werds, perceve his dainger,) the Snaik hed envellupd his body gest 19 times with "foalds voloominous & vast," (frum MILTON,) & hed toar of severil Scails into the confusion, Besides a-squesin him awfuly onto his stomick. gest then, bi a fortinat turn into his affairs, He ceased into his mouth the cairless tale ov the unreflectin wotter-Snaik!-groan desperat, He, findin that his Tale wos fast, squesed terrible, wile thay roald al over the iland.
Page 25 Biographical. 25 it wos a wel-conducktid Afair: no nois Disturbd the Harmony ov the seen-exsep l's, wen a Wilow wos snaped into bi the roalin. each ov the combatens hedent a minit fur holerin. So the Conflic wos naterally tremenjus! But sune bi grate 4s the tale wos bit compleatly of: but the eggzershun wos too much Fur his dellicat Constitooshun. he felt a compreshun onto his chest, & generaly over his boddy: Wen he egsprest his brethin it wos with grait Dificulty that he felt inspird agin l's moar. ov coars this Stait must sufer a Revolooshun. So the Alegaiter giv but 1 yel, & egspird. the wotter-Snaik realed hisself of, & sirvayd, Fur say 10 minits, the condishun ov His Fo: then, a-wunderin wot maid his tale hirt, He sloly went of for to cool. Poor hapiles Alegaiter tis sad to thine Like the Lemons you onfortinatly went in. But rest onto the Sand, ef you hevent roald into the wotter: & rest into the Wotter, ef so be youv roald in. How menny air ap to thine not, wen in dainger, But fall into slepe cairles! sech air woak Frekently wen al cuite too lait, & thay sadly fele the Embrais of the Enemy: growin weker & weker, 2
Page 26 26 Biographical. Be4 thay no it thay cant fech thayr breth& the consekens is, thay sune di. From the time of the appearance of this poem, the " movements" of the distinguished Pote are sufficiently well known, through his own writings, and those of his excellent relative, Mr. Podd. Hence the author of this brief biography has little more to do. That little he has preferred to divide into lesser bits, which the reader will find prefixed to the several effusions of the bard, as they appear in this volume. Had not Mr. Podd already furnished an eloquent analysis of Mr. Pepper's character (contained in his note introducing one of the poems), it would be proper for me to fulfil the whole duty of man as a Biographer, and attempt that difficult task. But, thankful that my labors have been thus essentially lightened, and congratulating both my readers and myself that I have now so nearly finished, I close this sadly inadequate sketch, with the expression of my deliberate conviction, that Fame-'" if she understand herself: and she think she do "-will " never desert" her favorite Pepper.
Page 27 ASTRONOMY: IN A FAMILIAR (BUT NOT IMPERTINENT) LECTURE. -0 -Let us reason together.-HOLLOWAY. I hope here be truths.-MEASURE FOR MEASURE. -0 -INTRODUCTORY. SELECT a clear night. Now take a plummet, and if you hold the string between your thumb and finger, so that the ball is free to move, it will not move, but point directly toward the centre of the earth. To be frank, this has nothing whatever to do with our subject. I may remark, however, that if it pointed upward, instead of downward, it would call your attention to a number of glistening little spots on the firmament, and perhaps one large one, all of which you have probably noticed before. If you have not, you will be obliged to me for turning your attention that way: and I must say, pareithetically, I think this the dullest audience I ver lectured before. You will please not applaud. It is of these celestial luminaries I intend now to speak.
Page 28 28 Astronomy. HISTORICAL. ASTRONOMY is that science which treats of the opinions of people in regard to the heavenly bodies. In the light of this definition, perhaps it would not be proper to call it one of the "exact sciences;" but fortunately for the objects of this lecture it will not be necessary to class it at all. The science was invented by an Italian, whose name was Tronomi. As Christian names were unknown in the remote age in which he flourished, he was distinguished from his elder and less renowned brother in the manner peculiar to the period, and which still obtains among primitive nations-as for instance the aborigines of America. Like many other scientific men, even of our own day, in ordinary affairs he was very much of a donkey, and of course was better known to the populace by his mistakes than his discoveries. Indeed, with the usual justice of popular decisions, he came to be called " Ass Tronomi;" and, while the 4 name obtained, it was in time transferred from the savan to the science of which he was the founder. He was the friend of Paul, afterwards the Apostle, and died about the year twelve.
Page 29 Astronomy. 29 GENERAL VIEW. The heavenly bodies have no resemblance whatever to human bodies, or the bodies of the lower animals, and are not necessarily in heaven; but the word Heaven, in an astronomical sense, is supposed to mean simply Space, and therefore may include places which cannot be found in the biblical heaven. These heavenly bodies consist of fixed stars, planets, and comets; of which, those first named are by far the most numerous; indeed, it is supposed that were the stars no larger than hazelnuts it would take an ablebodied man, forty-five years of age, twenty years to measure them in a half-bushel measure, or rather longer by the peck. It is however believed that, upon an average, their size is somewhat greater than that of the Nut with which they have been compared. At their present immense distance from us, they are not as great objects of interest as they would be if nearer. It is thought by some philosophers that, were they as convenient to the hand as railroad stocks or government securities, this interest would reach as high as twenty-five per cent. It will readily be seen that their distance from us must be enormous, when
Page 30 30 Astronomy. we reflect that none compute it to be less than two sabbath-days' journey, while some have placed it at upwards of five thousand miles. It is believed by many that, notwithstanding the anxiety sometimes evinced by poets and others to convert favorite stars into permanent residences, they would prove but indifferent lodging-places, except perhaps in the summer months. In the familiar expression " My stars!" one is supposed to refer to stellar property of the above-mentioned description to which his title has been proved, and which has been duly surveyed and staked out. Upon paper, stars are usually represented as having five points; theatrical stars generally have more. These points, in the first instance, are the rays; but it has sometimes been found that the innumerable points of an actress do not make the expected raise. FIXED STARS. The fixed stars-so named by some Yankee, to signify that they have been properly repaired-are now pretty generally believed to be suns. It is a significant fact, however, that many of them have female names. From their singular habit of twink
Page 31 Astronomy. 31 ling on all occasions, they look like so many struggling beetles which have been fixed to the wall with a pin. Many suppose them to have been named from this circumstance, rather than from the one first named; but I think that no one can weigh the claims of the two hypotheses calmly and dispassionately and fail to decide in favor of the Repairing Theory-as it has been beautifully named by a distinguished modern astronomer, whose name I am forbid mentioning by an innate sense of propriety. No one should think meanly of the stars for making their greatest displays on the clearest nights: man, himself so arrogant, ought never to censure the pride of a little star! THE PLANETS. All the heavenly bodies of any consequence, with the two exceptions of the fixed stars and the comets, are Planets. They are between thirty and fifty in number, if we include the asteroids-and perhaps it is but kind to do so, since it is only of late these have had the justice done them to be recognised at all. The planets do not consider it a mark of disrespect in anyone to call them by their given names; though
Page 32 32 Astronomy. they do not "come".when thus called, sooner than the President of the United States, or a very bad dog. They revolve about a certain fixed star which their own inhabitants have named the Sun; his real name, however, is Daniel Phoebus. This Sun gives away annually immense quantities of light and heat; which is very good of him, considering the pitch at which the times have arrived. In truth, he is so kind and generous and unsuspecting, that many of his pretended friends are enabled to work him vast injury. The planets are remarkable for their financial ability in effecting loans of the before-mentioned necessaries from him, and coming around him regularly year after year. Instead of returning the Sun's light when they have done with it, they distribute it broadcast among their friends and dependants-which perhaps is more creditable than keeping it to themselves, as they do the heat; and this circumstance would afford us encouragement to hope for their ultimate reclamation were it not that they have continued in their present circle of dissipation beyond the memory of the oldest inhabitant. These impositions are likely to continue so long as their warm-hearted subject has light to lend, or is represented in the pictures
Page 33 Astronomy. 33 with a face of such rotundity and preternatural goodnature as must continually encourage them. VENUS, being the only female among the planets, and a very handsome one besides, should have the place of honor, and is therefore mentioned first on the list. It will excite the sympathies of the tenderhearted to learn that Venus has all her life been persecuted-in point of fact, overwhelmed, with the impertinent attentions of the other planets. It is believed she was formerly partial to one MARS, a warlike neighbor, of hers, with a remarkably red face; but their many quarrels and fallings-out came to disturb the harmony of the spheres to such a degree, that it was found necessary to separate them. EARTH therefore stepped between; but while the peace has been effectually preserved, I regret to state that he has been made the subject of much unjust obloquy and reproach. It is thought, however, that Earth will keep moving on-performing his accustomed revolutions as per programme till further notice. JUPITER is a very good-sized planet-indeed, quite large for his 'age-and is expected soon to be old enough to set up for himself. He has suffered ex. 2*
Page 34 34 Astronomy. tremely, at times, from water on the brain; and that fluid enters largely into his general composition. Indeed, the theory is gathering strength that he has wholly changed to water-whether salt or fresh cannot be learned. Many interesting speculations might be indulged in here, one of which I may be pardoned for treating at length. The pressure of water, even at moderate depths, is known to be immense. At the depth of one foot, perhaps, it is scarcely perceptible; but at one mile it would be sufficient to force a confession of alienage from the obdurate Matsell. Think then of the central parts of Jupiter as sustaining the incalculable weight of a superincumbent mass of water a thousand miles or so in thickness. Why, we cannot resist the conviction that the whole of the interior of that watery planet, after we reach the depth of two or three hundred miles, must be squeezed entirely dry! The energy of my language, with a theme so glorious, will certainly be pardoned. To the astronomer, the reflection is one to move the heart, and throw the insensible perspiration out on the surface. SATURN is a young planet who has the weakness to
Page 35 Astronomy. 35 think himself handsome. He is quite vain of a number of rings-only two, I think, after all-which have been presented him by some infatuated foreign planet of the other sex. He is in no way remarkable, and we pass to URANUs, or You-rein-us-who named himself out of compliment to the Sun, at a time when he supposed himself the farthest from the sway of that luminary, and that the title might serve the latter as a perpetual reminder of the allegiance of all his subjects. He is sometimes called Herschel-from the two words her and shell; but the difficulty of determining with any satisfaction what female is thus mysteriously placed in the possessive case has latterly thrown the name into disfavor. Uranus is a good planet. Little MERCURY is page and errand-boy to the Sun, who keeps the sprightly planet about his person, and may be said almost to carry him in his pocket. Being so near the fountain of heat, Mercury never freezes, and thinks nothing of going up to five hundred in the shade. A crop of little planets-at present called Asteroidsare springing up around Mars and Venus, and four
Page 36 36 Astronomy. of them have gone in society for a considerable time.* They seem disposed to band together and move in a circle by themselves. It will not be necessary (or indeed easy) to repeat their names. Hanging on the confines of the Sun's estates, and apparently looking for a weak place in the fence, a planet called LEVERRIERt has been observed and * Should any question the soundness of the theory wrapped up in this sentence, they will find it strongly supported in "L HORN'S Examiner into ihe Laws of Nature," in which may be found the following eloquent passage: " The planets Jupiter, Saturn, Herschel, and so on, bring forth their seeds in like manner. What a lot of young planets they have revolving about them I" Professor Horn, the learned author of the above-mentioned work, is a deep thinker and profound philosopher. In the same book may be found this remarkable axiom: "A man or woman possessing a contracted skull, prevents expansion of mind in man." Farther extracts from my learned friend will be given in the course of the lecture. His is no common mind; remote ages will do me honor for having been the first to say it. t This planet was discovered by a Frenchman; and as a proud and perpetual assertion that Uranus, discovered by an English rival, was not the very last and farthest of the planets, he called
Page 37 Astronomy. 37 warned off the premises. He has the appearance and actions of a vagabond, and it is hoped he will sheer off in time to save himself trouble. This I fear quite exhausts our list of planets for the season. I may say, however, we are in constant communication with discoverers (and manufacturers) and hope to be able soon to swell the number very considerably. MOONSHINE: AN ANECDOTE. One day, in turning over the playthings which had amused his youth, old father Sun discovered a number of ten-pin balls, parts of various sets. It occurred to him that here was an acceptable present for his little planets. So, calling out-" Look sharp, my lads!" he threw them all out from an upper window, in one handful. A glorious scramble ensued. Jupiter, being very much of a gentleman, would take but four, though entitled, from his age and respectability, to at least half of them. Earth, having been unaccountit the very-er-or, in French, Le Verrier. Some have proposed naming it Neptune or Nap-tune, as its " part," in the perpetual concerted celestial music, must, from its mortal slowness, have a tolerably soporific effect.
Page 38 38 Astronomy. ably timid on that occasion, secured but one. But the forward and greedy Saturn was known to have seven after the division, if division it may be called, and is supposed to have secreted several more. What became of the others, is not certainly known. Uranus, it seems, got several-six, it is said; and some declare they have seen one in possession of Mars. Nobody was gallant enough to bring one to Venus, so she remained without. But the pith of the story remains to be told. He discovered that they who had been fortunate enough to secure any of the balls, had conceived the idea of having solar systems of their own; and having set their globular gifts flying around their heads, in imitation of their great patron, were nearly bursting in the effort to afford them the necessary light. This sight so tickled the ribs of old Phoebus, that a fit of inextinguishable laughter seized him,-so to this day it is animating his visage. In the excess of his sly humor, he allowed himself to shine on the little moons-well knowing the planets would be deceived into the belief that they were doing it themselves. It is even said that the infant planets which have sprung up between Mars and Venus are only fragments of a
Page 39 Astronomy. 39 larger planet which had burst itself in the ridiculous endeavor to illuminate its moon. This, however, is not probable. The lava from eruptions, so frequent on the earth, is also thought to be no more than the perspiration consequent on similar and super-terrestrial exertions. MORAL EPISODE. The animalcula which infest Earth-called human beings-annoy him very much by persistent attempts to excoriate him, and penetrate to his vital parts. It makes him angry also to be called " Mother Earth." In one way and another, they had at one time goaded him to that pitch of madness that he nearly exterminated them by drowning. He has since been sorry he did not do the work more thoroughly. He has however contrived another method of effecting his purpose, that bids fair to accomplish his end with very little trouble to himself. By the raising of little wrinkles and ridges on his skin in various places, he has divided them off into separate bodies or nations; who imagine that naturally they are each other's enemies, and have been long engaged trying to exterminate one another. At the latest dates* there is every * Written in 1855.
Page 40 40 Astronomy. prospect of a success equal to that which attended the exertions of the Kilkenny cats. They are intolerably conceited, withal; and every nation is inclined to think every other barbarous, cruel, and rapacious. There is, however, but very little difference in this respect-the human nature pervading them all. Yet one of these is far too modest to praise itself; it is called the Yankee Nation. George Washington-an individual who flourished a sword in the eighteenth century, and left his markbelonged to this nation; and so do a great many at the present day. We belong to it. There are over twenty-five millions of people now living in this country: and the most of these are slaves-some to others, and the remainder to themselves. [Who can think of his country without emotion! My enthusiasm should now be pardoned; for, having carried me away, it has at length in the kindest manner restored me to society, friends, and my subject.] THE MOON, AND TELESCOPES. All nations have united in praising the Moon for her modesty and good sense-in both which relations she is quite above reproach, and stands unimpeached.
Page 41 Astronomy. 41 An "exiled Italian" once remarked, that the moon was more useful to us than the sun; because the former shone in the night, when there was the greater need of light. The observation illustrates anew the extraordinary acuteness and sense for which his people have been praised so long. We, therefore, take the warmest possible interest in that luminary, and even call her the Moon, as a token of distinction and pledge of encouragement. From the intense desire of astronomers to bring the moon into something like a friendly vicinity, they have been led to the invention of instruments, whose action is calculated to entice her. The Telescope-a round instrument, long in use-is in great repute for this purpose; and one species, called from its habit of mind the reflecting telescope, is said to possess a sort of fascination for her. This fact illustrates in a remarkable manner the good sense which has been already mentioned as one of her attributes. Many claim, however, that she will come farther for a good refracting telescope than for the other kind; and a somewhat peculiar experience inclines me to this view of the case myself.
Page 42 42 Astronomy. SOMEWHAT PECULIAR EXPERIENCE. A few years since I sat about improving, and, if possible, perfecting the refracting telescope. It is well known (to at least fifty men of science) that the great desideratum in this instrument is a material which shall unite in itself quite a number of nearly opposite qualities; such as, for a single instance, high "refractive" with a low "dispersive" powerthere being a limit to the size of glass lenses, and consequently to the number of rays of light admitted from the object, on account of the rapidity with which this fatal propensity to " disperse" strengthens when we increase their size and refractive power.* * ' Achromatic telescopes"-characterized at first as a "lame invention"-are said to get over this difficulty quite handsomely, notwithstanding their rheumatism. At the time of which I write, I had not seen them. Mr. RICHARD (vulgarly called DICK), in his Sidereal Heavens, speaks of Aerial Telescopes: but I have no time for such light matters. He pronounces the Dorpatrick (sometimes abbreviated to Dorpat) Telescope in Russia, a very capital instrument. He thinks it is capable of " multiplying" almost as fast as the Babbage Calculating Machine; and that it can " bring up" anything except a family of children: domestic pursuits being somewhat out of its
Page 43 Astronomy. 43 Having observed the extraordinary amount of light which recently has been received through the Spiritual mediums, I conceived the idea of 'doing away entirely with the secondary lenses, and of filling the instrument with fourth-proof whiskey. I am rejoiced to announce that the experiment was successful, though unfortunate. REMARKABLE LUNAR PHENOMENA. Having at length made everything ready, and prepared myself by silent meditation,-not forgetting to establish a communication with the medium by means of a stop-cock in the side of the instrument,-I covered the moon with my telescope, and took a view. For a space, all was darkness. At length a voice of more than mortal sweetness exclaimed, in thrilling, technical accents,-" Uncover your object-glass!" The darkness was accounted for. In my haste and agitation I had endeavored to look through a plate of brass, of considerable thickness. I did as I was directed; and as I looked again I was not disap'scope. Mr. Dick is not addicted to extravagance in his statements. Of his predictions it is said that, mirabile dictu I they all "come true," as the darkey said of the auger.
Page 44 44 Astronomy. pointed to find the moon within eight rods of me. I at once observed that the "man in the moon" was nothing more than a huge, fantastical erection,-in truth, a house;-whose two upper windows, being illuminated, were plainly the eyes. In one of these windows, the sash being up, a man in his shirt-sleeves was leaning carelessly, and smoking a short black pipe. As soon as he perceived me, he shaded his eyes with his hand for a moment, and then, as if assured, started up eagerly and shouted at the top of his voice,-" Maurice I! my old boy,-how are you?" I replied, through my tears,-" Very well, thank you, old fellow,--how are you?" " 0, so-so,-so-so," said he, as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand; " the old 'ooman's be'n complaining, lately, and I'm a little anxious on her account, but I'm very well myself." His classic language and elegant tastes at once showed me he was a gentleman of education and refinement. In the course of an animated conversation with him, I gleaned facts which, while they are unsurpassed in interest, are of the utmost irnportance to the scientific world.
Page 45 Astronomy 45 AEROLITES. The mystery which has hitherto enveloped these singular and dangerous visitants he at once and for ever dispelled by this episodical remark: " Them 'hot shot' I throw down once't in a w'ile,-how often I've thought of the fun they must make i Tc see a chap run to pick 'em up, and how quick he concludes to drop 'em!-and to hear him wonder where the d-1 they come from, too!-O! ho! ho! ho! 0-0-0! ho! ho! ho!"-and the excessive laughter made him turn black in the face. ECLIPSES. The marked frequency of eclipses, of late, has come to be an immense annoyance to him. Many a valuable day has been lost to him; and many a time and oft has he missed his way, being overtaken by the sudden darkness when far from home. He says we on the earth have no idea of the terrible nature of a solar eclipse at the moon. And indeed it must be terrible, in its suddenness, from the absence of that twilight shading which the presence of an atmosphere would induce.
Page 46 46 Astronomy. ATMOSPHERE. A BREEZE. I inquired what possible use one's lungs could be to him where there was no air?* "A very proper question," said he, gravely; "it is a bore to be without it: but my wife is musical; and twenty times a day she gives me an 'Air, with variations,' by some windy composer,-and by the time I've heard two or three I don't want anything." On the uttering of this piece of sarcasm, a portentous face appeared over his shoulder. "It's awful dull, up here," said he, after a pause: " I wish, a thousand times a day, I was back to your planet." "What!" I exclaimed, in wonder,-" were you ever one of us?" "Why, bless you, yes!" he replied; "I come here to fill the place of t'other man." "Yes! yes!" shrieked his * In reference to this interesting subject Professor Horn remarks as follows:-" It is no wonder that the scientific astronomer can see no atmosphere round the moon that carries vapors of water; the moon is too young yet; the moon has not yet matured. The moon cannot produce vegetation as yet, and consequently don't require atmosphere to carry off vapor of water, until the moon arrives to her degree of perfection to bring forth vegetation."
Page 47 Astronomy. 47 wife, tauntingly,-no longer able to contain herself,"he had to come, Maurice,-he had to come!" "Hold your tongue, will ye!" said the Benedick, sternly,-" what do you know about war?" "War!" she thundered,-" it wasn't war!-it was that foolig piece o' poetry you wrote!" " W'at piece, hussy!w'at piece?-tell 'im 'f y' kin!-tell 'im 'f y' kin!" said the husband, curtly and doggedly, with his hands in his pockets; upon which he ejected slowly a slender stream of tobacco-juice from between two front teeth. " What, you wretch!-do you dare to say you didn't write ' Hi diddle diddle!' and git sent here for speakin' so disrespectful of the moon!" " Wrote 't y'self, wife,-know y' did!" said the man, nervously, and looking uneasily at her from the corners of his eyes. " O-0-Oh! you villain!" she shrieked, with energy; and, with that, ran back,-her " noble form " being lost in the " dim profound " of the room. There was no time lost, however; for I had not yet begun to wonder " what next?" when" Take that!" issued from the distance-also one of my friend's "hot shot,"-which, to his great joy, missed him and passed out at the window. The next moment an accident occurred. The " falling body"
Page 48 48 Astronomy. struck the object-glass of my instrument exactly in the centre, and penetrated even unto its heart and veins-performing the office of a purge. My eyes were injured somewhat by the explosion, and became greatly inflamed. When I had returned to my friends, they took the liberty to disbelieve my account of the accident; and invented a theory which, singularly enough, when taken with the other, precludes the idea of an experimentum crucis,-the lunar phenomena, the damage to the instrument, and the redness of my eyes, being explained on either hypothesis. COMETS. These heavenly bodies resemble snakes in being all head and tail. They are unlike snakes in having a very fiery appearance: red snakes, much to the regret of naturalists, being astonishingly rare. Comets lead a very irregular life, and are a scandal and disgrace to all their connexions. We have seen the eagie descend from a great height and take the newlyacquired means of subsistence from the industrious hawk,-flying away from the astonished bird as quickly as he came. Before the hawk recovers the
Page 49 Astronomy. 49 ordinary use of his senses, the eagle is lost to sight, and not particularly dear to memory. The efforts of the comet are attended with the same disgraceful success. Watching his opportunity, he rushes down when the sun is so distracted by his many cares as to see nothing apart from them; and taking from that unsuspecting luminary as much fire-wood as would last him, if frugally used, twice the length of his natural life, flies away to his own country,wasting incredible quantities of light and heat, as he goes, in vulgar and ridiculous display. He has the unblushing audacity to come back again, after a few years, sometimes very much shorn of his splendor, and presenting a very ordinary appearance indeed. When sufficiently near, he repeats his disgrace, and provides himself with a new tail. Comets frequently rise to that pitch of variety and extravagance that they will unfeelingly sport two, three, and even six tails, at one and the same time,-flaunting them in the very face and eyes of the injured sun. But Justice at last overtakes the offender: six-tailed comets are never seen but once. At a time when people did not know everythingwhich we may suppose to have been before the 3
Page 50 50 Astronomy. advent of the present generation-comets were looked on with a jealous eye.* No sooner was the cry," The Comet 1" raised, than one-half thought there would be war directly, and the remainder that he designed staying his stomach with two or three of the planets. While these induced a tremendous and infernal clamor by means of shoutings, tin-pans, and calabashes, the former ordered an infinite number of Misereres to be sung, and made appropriations for ammunition and the public defences. When we con* Much of the honor of having removed such of these vulgar prejudices as passed to this generation may be claimed by Professor Horn: " Comets should not be looked at with alarm and terror where they appear in the countries of our solar system. They can only be organized bodies, for the purpose of moving out of the great city or great empire of solar systems into infinite space, there to collect matter, and return into the city, distributing their matter through the solar systems to nourish and compose the young planets. The long tails which they drag after them, can be nothing more than matter they leave behind them; the sun shining on it gives it the color of the rainbow." How plausible the premises, how ingenious the argument, how convincing the conclusion! Mark the play of fancy at the close. Verily, this " Horn" shall be exalted I
Page 51 Astronomy. 51 sider that while on the one hand the earth remains a tempting but untasted morsel, on the other wars innumerable have taken place, and that these theories were equally plausible,-we cannot avoid the conclusion that, when war or other calamities threaten a nation, it is better to bluster and make a great noise than to waste money in appropriations or piety in prayers. CONCLUSION. It is manifestly impracticable to embrace, within the limits of a single lecture, more than a tithe of the details of that science to which it may be devoted. Many astronomers, in similar cases, have tried to get in two-tenths, and have ignominiously failed. I might perhaps have touched off the " Nebular Theory" of Newton, were it not already exploded; or expanded on the " Contraction of the Earth;" or stopped to inquire if the "Motion of the Sun in Space" was seconded,-I might have driven the car of Speculation along the Via Lactea, only that my way was clear: but, nilly willy,* I have now reached the end. I think I hear some one ask, Who held the stakes when Constellation trotted against Galaxy? I reply,-O'Rian; * Latin.
Page 52 52 Astronomy. the studs were groomed by Boots and the Little Bare, and ridden by those stars in the sporting firmament, L. D. Baran and Ark Toorus. Again I am questioned: one of my hearers inquires if I am a lineal descendant of the great " Ass Tronomi "? I hanswer,'Ardly. His mine the Hitalian haccent? ADVICE TO ASTRONOMERS. From the heedlessness consequent on professional enthusiasm, astronomers are liable to affections of the lungs and throat. When you have had tightness at the chest for a week, accompanied by difficulty of breathing,-lungs inflamed,-expectoration difficult, -much fever,-flesh disappearing;-then know you have a cold: I may say-a SEVERE cold. Don't neglect it. I repeat, with affectionate earnestness, don't neglect it. Consumption, that hollow-eyed monster with such an extraordinary appetite, begins to lick his gory chaps when he hears an astronomer say " Astrodoby" for Astronomy. My SIDEREAL PILLS are now afforded at one dollar a box. BrTAKE THEM.jg They are not for a day, but for all time. They absolutely pounce with delight on Dis. ease, and tear him with hideous yells from the
Page 53 Astronomy. 53 body. Their cry is,-" Buy us, and we'll do you good." Astronomers!-AVOID THE NIGHT AIR; and when you feel particularly well, and know you ought to feel ill, do not lull yourselves into fatal security; but commence at once taking these pills (one at a dose), morning, noon, and night. Cultivate both your equanimity of mind and your taste, by the daily perusal of my Circular. t^jPERSEVERE,. and you will be happy.
Page 54 MR. PEPPER'S SECOND FEAT. H AVING learned, soon after the appearance of his first poem, that many papers had copied the effusion, with laudatory comments, the excitable poet could contain himself no longer; yielding to the impulses of his higher nature, heimmediately conceived and gave birth to a sentimental " Solileqy," which, with daring license, he addressed to a " Berd on the fens." Fearing the consequence of his indulging much in hasty composition (so ruinous to young authors), I affected to disparage his first poem, declaring he was fortunate in getting it published at all, shorn as it was of its moral, and that nothing but care and faithfulness could keep him in the place he occupied. His reply satisfied me that I had been officious, and did not well understand him. There is a fine
Page 55 Mr. Pepper's Second Poem. 55 contrast between the fire and energy of the " Colusion," and the tender melancholy and melting pathos in which the "Solileqy" abounds. SOLILEQY, ADREST TO A BERD ONTO THE FENS. COMPOASED BY MR. K. N. PEPPER, ESQ., WHILST RECLININ ONTO A SHED CLOAST BI. Mi pirty litle Animel, a-settin onto the pickits!How fur hev you floo to-day-say, pirty Berd? (doant ster-i aint lookin; so be not in hury.) How ide like fur to set thayr, onto the next pickit, ef it woodent hirt, & mi heft woodent braik down the fens, & you wood stay & let me smooth of the fethers. (its moast butiful Ploomig, i swow 1-but to resoom:) How i long fur your wings, pirty Bird, so i cood fli of. ide leve this werld, i wood, & go sumers els. Your vois is so swete, too,-i wunder if thay put shuger in Wen it wos maid! How i wood like to be asingin al day, & at nite go to roost onto a lim, CairlesI-in slepe ide dreme ov mi mait, & say: "Hope your a-dremin ov me likewais, mi mait." Ken you fli to the clowds & bac in a minit? So cood i, mi pirty, ef i oanly hed your wings. But you woodent kech me a-comin back tho, after ide got sech a start: o no, pirty AnimelI.de fly to the Hevins. & git prict onto the pints ov the stars
Page 56 56 Mr. Pepper's Second Poem. ide pic at the man in the Moon, & maik him wine his left iide-wots the use a-tockin, wen you doant no nothin? You aint me. Your oanly a swete pirty Berd, always a chirupin, & you aint Mellencollic & sad. But i am: ime full ov potry & felin, & author ov varis pomes: but o ide say go to al, ef i cood oanly fli with wings. How ide looc doun & se rivers a-runnin, with men onto the bangs a-kechin ov fish, & Bufalows a-roamin the prayris, with hair al stremin, & injans a shootin at ramden with bos & ars. ide fli to south ameriky & se the Snaiks in the gingles a-crawlin & a-swallerin ov little Bois. & then ide fly to afriky & se the Elefans, 1 a-fitin with the Rinoserus, & a-givin ov him fits with his trunc, wile he wos a-gittin ov his bowls chaingd bi the ivery Tuse ov his Ennemy. afoar ide got much tand bi the rather worm Son belongin to afriky, ide fli to aishy, inhailin the C air on mi way to the Kedentry, & a-tryin to Banish the smel ov the afriken nativs. in gloris aishy ide se menny a Tiger a-chaisin the chines & a-bitin a pese frum the leg, Wich wood maik me so sad ide pressently cum over to rooshy a-wunderin wot maiks Mr. CEZAR so prowd ov his Cussax1st taikin a lingerin looc at the tal fouls in chiny. next from rooshy ide cum into tirky, bein so ni,
Page 57 Mr. Pepper's Second Poem. 57 not expectin fur to se much on acount ov the smoak, But not riskin a sques onto the nec with a bo-string Bi a-refusin to talk a litle Sublim Poart with the sultin. But, dere litle Berdy, aint you tired a-folowin mi fortins, & not hevin no help from your wings? onhapy Animel! how sory i am ime so crule I Ef i hedent a-sudenly thougt ov your felins i mite hev onfortinetly carrid you all over urup. But cumin hoam ore the oshun wil sune restoar helth. now youre hoam 1-want that did quic, pirty Berdy? But the cus hes floo & desertid the pickit, & nothin is left but i & the shed & the fensnun ov wich cant fli. ongraitful litle rip: after al my delliket atenshuns, hese throo bac Sech welth ov afeckshun into mi pend up boosumI So it alers hes been. o i shel di i thinc, Bi sooiside, after ive roat 2 or 3 moar pomes. in 1 i shel bid fairwel to a Werld onfelin, & maik it so harrowin & afecktin that every boddy cant help sheddin torrens ov teres, & bein blindid-like, fur severil days, bi Wo. & al the laydis wil were " K. N. Pepper, Esq.," onto pincushins, & wish he hedent cum to sech a woilent End: He so young and hansum too.-but i cant go on. i fele bad: ile desend frum mi eminens & taik suthin worm. Fairwel wicked Werld; & you, onfelin Berd, adoo I 3*
Page 58 THE ANGUISHED BRIDE; OR, THE ECHOING PISTOL. A TALE. BT WILLIE WILTON WILLOUGHBT. "Such is life." CHAPTER I. EDOUARD. A spirit yet unquelled and high, That claims and seeks ascendency.-BYRoN. His was the gifted eye, which grace still touched As if with second nature; and his dreams, His childish dreams, were lit by hues of heavenThose which make Genius.-L. E. L-. HAM.-He was a man, take him for all in all, I shall not look upon his like again.-DAvID COPPERFIELD. E DOUARD BLANCHFORD, in Body and Fortune -in everything but Mind-had been Frowned on by a cruel Fate! He was born of poor but honest
Page 59 The Anguished Bride. 59 parents, and marked slightly by the small-pox. In spite of these great Obstacles to Success-to which may be added an unfortunate reddish tinge to his hair-he had a noble Mind; indeed, he was possessed of, and as usual made miserable by, the most exalted Genius! At the early age of ten, he had constructed, entirely alone, a perfect Wheelbarrow, with side-boards and all! It is related, that immediately on completing this miracle of Mechanical Genius, and without waiting for the plaudits of the World, he put on the sideboards, and filling it with the largest stones he could find, magnanimously wheeled it off a Precipice-in his enthusiasm very nearly going with it. There was true Greatness of Mind! He had already risen above the Smiles and Nods of a Hollow World, and was calmly happy in the contemplation of his Genius, and in planning similar great and noble Deeds for the Future! " What if I am poor, and slightly marked with the small-pox! " he would ejaculate, in a burst of proud, disdainful Rapture,-" what if my hair is a little reddish -or entirely brick, for that matter;-my Genius, I am happy to say, is not marked by that fell disease,-it has never had a complaint of any kind. I know I'm
Page 60 6o The Anguished Bride. smart! Something whispers it in the sweet balmy gales of Heaven, and thunders it quite distinctly in the Cataract! I am determined to impress the conviction on the World. Oh! I am as certain, as I am of the unfortunate color of my hair, that I shall Do Something in Time! and mayhap (for who knows what Heaven has in store for him?) the Whole World may yet be at my feet!" Edouard did not always talk in this way. No; far from it! At times he was frigid with sad Melancholy! In fact, this was his unfortunate condition most of the time. His worldly-minded parent would often address him, at these moments, in the most unfeeling manner. Thus, on one occasion, observing his unhappy son plunged in deeper melancholy, by half, than he had ever seen him in before, he insulted him by this remark: " Cheer up, Ned! [by such short diminutives would he presume to approach his talented son!] cheer up, my boy, and take a little so'thin'." The reader will at once infer, from this remark, that the elder Mr. Blanchford was not a stranger to the Fatal Bowl. Did his noble-minded son accept
Page 61 The Anguished Bride. the parental advice? Quite the contrary. He replied as follows: " Sire'! tempt me not! You can't comprehend my nature. * * * * * * * * Oh! Father" * * * * * * What he would have said, is lost to his besotted Parent and the World, and can only be conjectured; some Noble Sentiment would undoubtedly have escaped his lips. As it was, overcome by his wounded Feelings, and a certain shock his spirit always received at the very thought of the Intoxicating Draught-intensified by the fumes of his Parent's breath-he fainted in that Parent's arms. CHAPTER II. HORTENSIA. A thing of beauty is a joy for ever.-KEATS. Of such is the kingdom of heaven.-WALTER SCOTT. HORTENSIA AMELIA PLANTAGENET lived on an eminence in the outskirts of the village, in an elegant and expensive mansion of White Marble. Her father was worth Millions of Sordid Dollars, and of course he was a proud, cold, unfeeling Wretch. There was
Page 62 62 The Anguished Bride. a hard look about his eyes, and he seemed to be always thinking of some new scheme to increase his wealth, or oppress his Poor but Honest neighbors. Hortensia Amelia-although no reader would perhaps expect it-was a Noble Girl, and despised all the lovers her sordid father and proud mother had provided for her. These lovers were all members of the Wealthy Classes, and were very ignorant and conceited. Cain Sharkey, one of them-being possessed of nearly five hundred thousand dollars, and belonging to a high Family-was looked on with great favor by both of Hortensia Amelia's Parents. She, on the contrary, in her artless way, would frequently remark that she "couldn't bear him!"............ a.o o 0,0 0 0 90oco. 00 When her Parents began one day to remonstrate with her on this apparently reasonless prejudice, she burst into a passionate flood of silent tears, and then, for the space of half an hour, gave herself up to unconscious musing. When she had recovered from her emotion-which her Parents had observed with astonishment-she frankly confided to them her views of Destiny, the World, Happiness, the Unattainable, and Communion of Mind.
Page 63 The Anguished Bride. 63 "' Parents!-progenitors I" she at length concluded, Surge me not! I can never be Cain Sharkey's wife! I loathe him!-I detest him I" Whom did she love? Alas!-poor Stricken Deer -as yet, no one possessed the priceless treasure of that Noble Heart............ One night-a terrible night-I may say, a Tempestuous night 1-a solitary rush-light gleamed from that proud Mansion, quite late in the evening. Let us not be mistaken. We will now state distinctly that it was past one o'clock. The Parents were talking in Low Tones, cruelly deciding the fate of their daughter, without making her a party to the scheme. Soon finishing their consultation, and shaking hand sover the agreement to this Deed of Injustice-perhaps Blood!-the Father went to the door and called sternly to Hortensia Amelia. She was not awake * * * * * She had gone to bed at nine o'clock, and had consequently been four hours reveling in the sweet dreams of Unconscious, Unsuspecting Innocence. She was a sound sleeper-innocence is ever sound asleep
Page 64 64 The Anguished Bride. by one o'clock-and she was not easily roused. Alas better that she had never been awakened!-in which case she would have awoke of herself, in a Better Place. She came to the head of the flight of magnificent marble steps that led to her bedroom-saw her father's stern face glowering on her from the footand, comprehending at once the extent of her Misery, gave an unearthly shriek, and sank upon the floor CHAPTER III. THE RESCUE. Alas, sir! are you here? things that love night, Love not such nights as these.-KING LEAR. The night was dark and fearful, The blast went wailing by.-MILToN. EDOUARD was abroad that night. Yes his fevered brain was on the rack! His thoughts were too mighty for rest! He went out to hold communion with the elements. They soothed his soul, even while wetting him to the skin. The hoarse voice of the astounding blast shouted " Return!"-the deafen
Page 65 The Anguished Bride. ing thunder made the same appeal! Their entreaties were in vain! He kept on. Why did he direct his steps toward the dwelling of Hortensia Amelia? Because his thoughts were there! He had long dreamed in silence of that Angelic Face, and often, of a dark night, had he paced before her window, braving the generally savage watch-dog, and hoping for a gleam of her lamp to cheer him. All that prevented his being frequently cheered in that way, was the fact of her always retiring so early. * What means that solitary rush-light-that angry call-that fearful shriek? Instinct told him immediately that the Being he had so long in secret worshipped-devotedly but despairingly-was in danger! Further directions, from Instinct or any other person, were superfluous. Knowing, through some superhuman Agency, that the window just over him, in the second story, was the one he must enter, if any-and having a secret conviction that the door was both double-bolted and strongly barred-he stepped back a few paces, and for part of an instant communed with himself. * ^ ~
Page 66 66 The Anguished Bride. What did he do next? Any common man-considering that the window was upward of twenty feet from the ground-would have done nothing. Edouard Blanchford was not a common man. His actions, his habits-the very fact of his being in such a place at such a time, prove that he was no common man. His very next Action-so Brave and Difficult-has a tendency to make the fact still more apparent. Collecting all his energies (of which he possessed many), and receiving just then some Supernatural Aid, he ran with the velocity of lightning, and sprang through the window-dashing the sash to atoms! and lacerating his hand to such a frightful degree that several drops of blood seemed on the point of bursting from the wound! * * & HORTENSIA AMELIA had had a Presentiment that Deliverance was to come through the third window from the right, looking south (the very window!) and for several minutes had been watching it with anxiety. When she saw that Noble Form burst through it, and with the acquired momentum run
Page 67 The Anguished Bride. 67 forward several steps to save himself from falling-. she uttered a Shriek of Pleasure, and with the most touching tenderness of tone inquired anxiously if he were hurt. "Are you?" he asked, with frantic eagerness. " I am very well, now!" she replied, casting down her eyes; and then, in some confusion, was about to say nothing, when, catching a sudden glimpse of the Bloody Hand of Edouard, she shrieked once more, and immediately tore a strip of linen from one of her under-garments to bind up the wound. Touched and melted by this evidence of affection, and partly overcome by the Superhuman Effort he had made, as well as the loss of blood, Edouard asked Hortensia for a glass of water. Casting upon him a look of mingled mild reproach and Unfathomable Love, she said: "I How can you think of water, love, at such a moment?" " Then fly, love-fly with me-at once-at once/ he cried, seizing her unresisting form, and leaping madly from the window! M M.g
Page 68 68 The Anguished Bride. CHAPTER IV. THE FATAL FIREARM. - Last scene of all, That ends this strange, eventful history.-As You LIKE IT. To be. or not to be; that is the question.-ANoN. O death! where is thy sting?-IRVING. This is the last of earth.-DR. JOHNSON. How Edouard found himself at the door of a clergyman two miles distant, with the insensible form of Hortensia in his arms-is every whit as miraculous as his wonderful leap. Oh! ye Worldly ones of this Earth! learn, in this humble Tale, that the only Magician, the only real Wonder-Worker, is LOVE I A slight application of hartshorn to the nose of Hortensia Amelia having "brought her to," they were quickly made one; and Hortensia having feed the clergyman, as Edouard had forgotten his purse, they at once repaired to the Beautiful Valley which he had selected as their future residence. Precisely a minute after their departure from the clergyman's house, Mr. Plantagenet and Cain Sharkey arrived-their six horses, as well as themselves, all breathless and foaming.
Page 69 The Anguished Bride. 69 " Here's a go!" cried Cain Sharkey, in the elegant phraseology for which he was distinguished. " Plantagenet I my intended Father-in-law!" he proceeded, "' mark me! I must have vengeance! damn me I" " Certainly," replied the obsequious, fawning Plantagenet,-" of course." With that they leaped furiously into their carriage, and drove impetuously away. It was eve; or, rather, it had been eve, and was now night. Edouard and Hortensia had passed the evening in a state of bliss unspeakable-holding each other by the hand, and gazing fondly into each other's eyes. "My love!" at length said the blushing bride, "my eyes grow heavy, and I am weary; I think I will retire." Upon which, kissing Edouard affectionately, she glided from his presence like a thing of grace. Edouard then rose; and, after yawning wearily, and rubbing his heavy eyes, began to pace the room furiously, and weep briny tears, at the same time tearing his already thin hair, and rending
Page 70 7~ The Anguished Bride. his apparel. At last his surcharged heart found relief in words: " Alas I what have I done? Wretch that I am I Villain I Monster! Cold-hearted Abortion I I have doomed Hortensia, the tenderly-reared, to a life of Misery and Want I I am poor, and the World has not yet done me justice. How can I repair the Mischief I have done? Alas! there is but one way! Come, sweet Friend," he continued, drawing a richlymounted Pistol from his bosom, and kissing it"comeI relieve me! Oh! relieve me-I pray, relieve me from this Load which seems large enough for six! Hortensia Amelia, my fond Bride-a last adieu!" A report rang through the little cot, and reverberated for Miles along the valley. A Shriek soon followed, ten times as loud and Appalling. Cain Sharkey and Mr. Plantagenet heard both! "I know Hortensia's voice!" said the elder of the two Travellers, in a confident tone-leaping from the carriage and clearing the fence at a single bound. He saw an object clothed in white, standing at the corner of the house, with a handkerchief at her face. Reader, that Object-that Weeping Object-clothed in white-standirg at the corner of the house-in
Page 71 The Anguished Bride. 71 Agony-was-HORTENSIA AMELIA BLANCHFORD! Bride and Widow in one, or rather five, short hours! "Father!" she shrieked, without removing the handkerchief from her face-" go in! and behold Your Work I Your Son-in-law, Sir, is dead I" It is, Sir, a Sad Fact! * * * * * Reader! she lives-but she has never married. A constant melancholy shades her fine features and impairs her appetite. When Edouard Blanchford is mentioned in her presence (which has never but once happened, as her friends avoid the painful topic), she weeps. I saw her turning the crank at the well in her father's yard. I mentioned Edouard Blanchford. She wept and turned away. Her only comfort is in Labor. Consequently she weeds the garden, in her Widow's weeds, and affects the passer-by to tears by such a touching sight. Cain Sharkey, after a life of dissipation, fell a victim to his passions, and died very Unhappy. Hortensia Amelia's father has Changed! He is
Page 72 72 The Anguished Bride. now a good man. His wife is now a good womanold, but happy, and devoted to her daughter. Edouard's father now sleeps by the side of his Noble Son. Reader, farewell! and, in your intercourse with your brothers and sisters of the great Human Family, ever "Speak gently to the erring."
Page 73 MR. PEPPER'S THIRD EFFORT. -0 -T HE forebodings of Genius are of the nature of prophecies in embryo; but when they happen to fail of their realization, as did the forebodings of Pepper, alluded to in the following paragraph, which the Knickerbocker prefixed to the poem-the world rejoices, and looks out as usual for new poems: "Again are we favored with a spirited 'Pome' by Mr. K. N. Pepper, who touches nothing that he doesn't ornament. In a private note to the Editor, he intimates that his poetical power may be failing him. Not so: there are parts of 'IThe Suferings ov a Han' which are fully equal to portions of the 'Lines to a Berd onto the Fens.' Oh, no; Mr. Pepper must not lose confidence in himself. He has only just commenced his career; he has been writing, as it were, 4
Page 74 74 Mr. Pepper's Third Effort. 'with one arm tied behind him.' Macte virtute, Mr. Pepper:" THE SUFERINGS OV A MAN. COMPOASD INTO RIME BI MR. K. N. PEPPER, ESQ. As he traveld bi the way, this Man wos herd fur to say (al aloan he wos, you se,) i wish i hed sum 1 fur curnpany. But thair he wos, al aloan, & that is Suferink, we oan. But as he wos a-goin frum hoam, gitin kind ov loan-sum, He side severil times cuite hard, mournfuly a-stroaking ov his baird, until his Suferings wos so intens He bload his noas bi the fens, Becos ov his absens ov mindHe not bein eny ways so inclind: Sech Wo I-but cumpany wos ni to him moast sertinly: He heerd a yel, sum distens of &, as he afterwerds sed, it wos a Dog, & that Dog wos hisnthe saim as he hed left a prisen
Page 75 Mr. Pepper's Third Effort. er to hoam at 11 in the 4 noon. this maid him kind ov mad soon; & as the Animel cumd lickin around He swoar Venjens onto him imejitly. o sed he, as he stompt onto the ground, ime mad enuf, i am, to fli: So it bein a litle cus ov a Dog, He jest tooc him by the nap ov the nec & felt amungst his togery; tooc out a fresh cud into his chec (ov tobacker) & scuirted the guse into his fais & i's moast perfuse, & maid him yel sum, i shood thine: Pereodikelly a-wantin ov drinc fur to whet up his parchment tung. & now mi song is moast sung: the Dog becaim (spekin perlite) much regused; in fact, he dide:& so did the Man, sum time after, ov the scarlit Feiver 75
Page 76 THE ERIE CANAL: A MILD RHAPSODY. -oI QUESTION if there is a single "packet" now "running" on this canal. Ten years ago, there were fleets of them. Alas, that Time should work so grievous changes! Unblest as I am by reminiscences of experience in the elegant recreation of guiding a "leader,"-or the more absorbing and scientific pastime of "steering;" accomplished in naught that pertains to the responsible post of "bowsman;" and never-to forget an occasional timid Jew, in Chatham street-having been hailed as "Captain," afloat or ashore: still, gentle reader, I know the Erie Canal, well. I know, too, that the not-infrequent and familiar tales of
Page 77 The Erie Canal. 77 "tempestuous passages" through endless surges, the "mountain-waves," the trepidations of the " cook," and the imperatively-necessary "'reefs in the stovepipe," are baseless and shameless inventions of the projectors of " rail, and other roads,"-or the slanderous attacks of would-be " dead-heads," who were obliged to pay for dinners the same as when on land. For, look you, it never in such-wise befell the writer hereof; who, favored by gentle gales, clear skies, and glassy waites, had ever reached the "haven where he would be," unvexed by the strife of elements, or lashings of rebellious surges. 0 that those halcyon days would come, once more! Holland! be ever blessed in thine honest fondness for slow motion! America! let rail-roads curse thee -kill thy children-warn thee of that fell destroyer -Haste! What whilome traveller on this canal can be presumed to have forgotten the soothing strains that were wont to steal from the horn of the steersman, as with his brown right hand he placed it against the side of his mouth and breathed his soul through a very small aperture? the left meanwhile guiding the swan-like motions of the boat! And the noble craft,
Page 78 78 The Erie Canal. "thing of life" as it was, how the gates of the lock would joyfully open to receive it: like the arms of a paternal one, who was about to fold in his embrace the prodigal, at last returned, from husks, to veal and his father! I Ah! then we could feel that Music is a spirit, not partial in respect of tenements, but, with a sweet forgetfulness of self, tobacco, and horns, (whether of tin, or fluid mixtures,) ready to further the ends of her benevolent mission by dwelling in the humble breast of a steerer of boats. For a time we forgot the idle distinction of "passengers" and "crew," and united in heart-felt eulogiums on the wonderous skill of the enchanter. The Erie Canal is no imaginary affair-a kind of myth, that men talk about, but never see: it does not float on the sea of idea. Oh! no; it is confined by an immense number of locks; and statistical writers, in their honest moods, call it, in language singularly appropriate, a "fixed fact." In contemplating this wonderful (I had nearly said preposterous) Ditch, the mind is missed from its accustomed place: it is, in short, lost. A feeling of awe comes over us; and, in the eloquent language of the ancient matron who feasted her eyes and
Page 79 The Erie Canal. 79 curiosity on the novel sight of an elephant, we are led to wonder if this be The Canal "all the way along." It is like "linked sweetness" in the length of its drawing-out. What is it but a silver String to the great Violin, the Empire State? How it trembles, between its " bridges," when crossed by the rays of a summer sun! The music is translated into audible sounds by ten hundred steersmen-- Who play to the rocks, As they come near the locks, The music of heavenly spheres: How the echoes awaken When the tin horn is taken By the "stern" man who blows it, and steers!which little burst of poetic enthusiasm may serve to assure many who long suspected that the Divine Afflatus may be evolved by the contemplation of canals. To illustrate the possibilities of the imagination, let let us conceive the Erie Canal to be eliminated: wiped out with an adequate sponge, or ejected from its place by one of the " roads" afore-mentioned. Better still,
Page 80 8o The Erie Canal. believe it never to have been: a faith which will resemble, in magic power, that of those who count Shakspere to have been a myth. To have a favor of such magnitude granted so readily, at the risk of emaciating the conscience through starvation, exposure, and neglect, emboldens me to follow this career of infamy awhile longer. We will now suppose the New York Historical Society to have discovered, near Buffalo, an Obelisk-an undoubted Pompey's Pillar, which never supported anything and has long ceased to support itself; or a Cleopatra's Needle, with no " eye" to be " drilled, counter-sunk, and warranted not to cut," but beyond a peradventure a genuine article, if we may judge from the few feet of it still left above ground. Inspired by a sort of traditionary instinct, the Society above named determines to transport the Obelisk to their own city, for erection in the Park. It comes within the limits of our "supposition" to have them consult with engineers, and finally, with any but humorous intentions, quote the language of Confucius and confess it to be " no go." Disdaining the aid of the hackneyed yoke of oxen which " drew the inference," cuffing the ears of the wag who suggests a "poor-man's plaster," and hopeless of the
Page 81 The Erie Canal. 81 efficacy of " moral suasion," even when couched in the most "moving accents," they yield themselves to as deep despair as philosophers can feel, and never cease to regret that Obelisks, like facts, are such "stubborn things." But aid is vouchsafed. Omnipotent Fancy will have a "streak of lightning," the plough of Time, or five thousand Irishmen, excavate a Furrow through the centre of the State; she fills it with water, on whose bosom she launches "scows," ornamented with captains, bowsmen, and steersmen; she kindly whispers a preliminary warning,-and then, in a commanding, rough, military voice, shouts to the column, " Advance " Every hieroglyphic on its time-worn surface squirms with reluctance, and all its figures "grin horribly a ghastly smile;" yet the AngloSaxon energy of the gallant boatmen makes light of the pillar, and it becomes a Pillar of Light: illuminating its own darkness by the diabolical glare of interior, stony curses. To the music of horns and raving of glazed hats, this venerable Relic of a former age bids farewell to the hole whence it was exhumed, and is soon lowered into, and resting in, its "long home," the scow. In an insignificantly brief 4*
Page 82 82 The Erie Canal. space of time, if we compare it with eternity or a year of the new planet, the Needle reaches New York, and threads the streets, at the head of a procession,-inspecting everything with its eye, as it goes along, and discovering a good many fine points; but, not yet recovered from its astonishment at the changes that have been going on since its day, making but few remarks. The Park at last receives it, standing; the Fountain has a holiday, and is allowed to play; and on the current "list of new arrivals" one may read: " 0. B. LISK, from Buffalo." In these latter days of economy and moral restraint, they who " go down to the deep" of locks, and are vexed with the toils of inland navigation, do not indulge, to the same extent as formerly, in the luxury of the Sulphureous Oath. Truly, the "canaler" of early times may be said to have been "clothed with curses as with a garment." But the world, including the world of fresh-water "salts," is growing better: on the canal may now be found many "moral" men-yea, many "praying" men. Yet is the canal not a fine-spun paradise; the towns through which it threads its shining course have not
Page 83 The Erie Canal. 83 come as yet to cry to the distant hamlets and villages, " We are holier than ye." "Drivers" may still be heard communicating unpleasant sentiments to stupid " leaders," and invoking celestial aid to the consigning the lights, hides, souls, and other component parts of those offending beasts, to regions infernal, or spirits diabolical. But the millennium is coming. Already a goodly number of the " vips " can read, and many consent to peruse the tracts and volumes left with them by the plain, simple-hearted, but earnest men who have taken our inland waters as the "field" of their labors. Verily, a great and happy change shall have taken place, when the captain, though it be only of a scow or log-raft, shall be a gentleman; when every bowsman and steersman shall take "Watts's" to his bosom, shouting spiritual songs; when the cook shall season his dishes with a prayer; when each driver shall eschew profanity and tobacco, and take the hand of every other driver, calling him "brother;" when the lock 'tender shall joyfully hasten to "hurra the lock!" summoned thereto by a warning strain from the Old Hundredth Psalm-the delight of the steersman; when the collector shall lay down his
Page 84 84 The Erie Canal. Bible with a placid smile, that he may make out a "clearance:" when, in short, the Millennium does come. [If steam is really to come into general use on the Canal, where, I would ask, are we to go who are in love with the romance of inland navigation? Away with this base, utilitarian project! Who wants to be blown up on a Canal? There would be no attractive notoriety in it-no chance for damages against the Company. Keep off this steam, or I pack up for Holland.]
Page 85 MR. PEPPER'S FOURTH ACHIEVEMENT. -0-- THE Great Comet of 1853 was not without its " mission "-which evidently was to inspire our poet, and thus proclaim the majesty of intellect. His ode is in blank-verse-" a deviation," said a critic, "from the shackles of poetical rule, which marks the man of ' genus.' But the thought, the thought is the thing. Observe the variety and ' reach' of the poet's fancy:" A NOAD TO THE COMECK. ROTE INTO THE SUMMER, BY MR. K. N. PEPPER, ESQ. All hail, grait Loominarry-twicet al hale I Grand fizzikel Visiter, youm welcum in regions ov Spais, wair al is silens,
Page 86 86 Mr. Pepper's Fourth Achievement. & there4 no nois is herd, its dificult to traivel & not waik up sumthin: But you hev dun it so fur moar than 50 yeres, to the satisfacshun ov al present. With untirin perseverens se him sail onto a rowt as no 1 ever thougt ov goin. Wen hese frose the har al of ov his hed, & lost so meny milds ov tail that he cant tel wether hese a-goin forids or bacards,then he shutes down to the Son fur to worm up, & put on a litle bam of Columby or warpean. Sech hard were it is fur him to stop, that hese lost the nac throo wont ov practis. o Comeck!-a-goin round & round the son,Wi not sum time or uther wind him up, &, a-taikin the rains ov Guverment into your teth, up & giv the soaler Cistim a nairin? Cum,--blo your wissel; the plannits is on a train: Emigrans into the frunt; ov colusion no dainger: Gupitter '11 doo fur a balens-weleSatern '11 ring wen thays sumthin ahedMars fite al irishmen as wont pay the fair& venous so swete ile ride with her miself. (wot a nidee, now, fur a singul man!) Wele notifi the smal stars onto the rowt to looc out for the Comeck wen the bel rings I
Page 87 Mr. Pepper's Fourth Achievement. 87 Wele saw up the milky Way fur fire-wood, & yous the orory Boryals fur a signel-lite: Wich wood caws a stonishment to spring frum the i. But act your Plesure-we doant wonto dicktaitoanly we shood be hapy to cum the perpoasd arraingmeant, Miss Terious Comeck!-wens doo you shoot? Ware wos you wen you 1st thougt ov flyin? Wot put it into your hed to cum this way, a-surprisin ov the natyvs?-is the stait ov your financys-sech you cant supoart moar tale? o Comeck l-peraps its loansum, traivelin soBut you doant no the mizzery ov a felin hart: Youm al hed & tail; so ov coars cant fele. i sumtimes wish i hedent no boddy, too,fur then i mite be hapy.-plese ex-kews mi present emoshun-i cant always Banish the thougt ov Wo. o mity Loominarry I immens Miss Terry!-say now, wos it troo You hed sum thougts ov a-soin up the Erth? You aint noomeris for that persedin! o no, Mr. Comeck,-youm too smal. You mite hac of a mountin or 2, praps, Bi a snubbin ov your tale onto a pyrrymid; But the Morril part ov Comunity Woodent se no libbertys tooc with the muther Erth-.
Page 88 88 Mr. Pepper's Fourth Achievement. o no, Mr. Comeck, as wos sed be4. 1st egsersise, & git sum mete onto your ribs, & like samson let your bar gro long.we no your tallent into the sailin linewe acnollig youm sum onto fire-wercs: But doant be foolish becos you no how. You cant sercumnavoygrait Erth like you doo the son, Without a-gittin ov your hed noct of. the son is indulgent, & not a tal snapish; & hes so much biznes, atendin to al the plannits, that a-givin ov fits to Comecks is soopirfloous. But its a litle diferent here. so bewair, & talk the folowin advise frum a fren: We shel alwais be very glad to se you, Wen actin ov your part into the grait Sercus, & not gittin out ov the ring & a-throwin dert. But the idee ov fitin onto sech a scail, We cawl prepostrious into the egstreme. After al, i doant thine your intenshuns wos cereus: the grait Comeck is too magnannymus to hev sech a nidee. i hoap your felins Hessent bein hirt; if so, plese taik notis Your admirer is rash almoast to canker, & lashed hisself cuickly into angry waivs wen he wos be4 cuite cam & slepy-like; & al fur nothin, as we air hapy to se. So doant be rash yourself, Miss Terious Comeck,
Page 89 Mr. Pepper's Fourth Achievement. 89 But folow into the trac ov your ilustris predysessers. Your frens into this seckshun air noomeris, & thay expeck the illustris Comeck to doo his dootyWich is, to sail around & say nothin to noboddy: Not hittin the plannits, & a-steerin clere ov the stars. (n. b.) plese tri & let out a litle moar tail
Page 90 A TEDIOUS STORY. --- HOR. 0 day and night, but this is wondrous strange! HAM. And therefore as a stranger give it welcome. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.-HAMLET. -0 -THE other evening I sat at my table, writing. A little chilly rain was falling, and the wail of the September wind, in the trees, sounded strangely like the hum of a vast mosquito. " Thank Heaven!" I murmured, with much emotion, " the rascally pests will trouble us no more this season!" This appeared so just a reflection, I laid down my pen, and leaned back in my chair, supporting my head in my hands, spreading my well-turned legs with some complacency, and idly musing on a young female friend
Page 91 A Tedious Story. 91 who (by reason, doubtless, of the rich, youthfully. pure nectar in her veins), is every season two-thirds devoured by the egregious vampires. At length, rousing from this somnolent reverie, and bending toward my task, I was surprised, and I own a little startled, at seeing an immense, venerable-looking mosquito, resting on the margin at the head of my sheet. I knew the case demanded promptness. " Thus falls the Last of the Mohicans!" I cried, with less wit than exultation, aiming a stroke with my ruler, " That might determine, and not need repeat." On the instant, the threatened insignificant raised one of its fore-limbs with a deprecatory gesture, and, in the tiniest voice imaginable, cried, " Hold!" "Humbug!" interposes the reader: " Away with this Munchausen-this Gulliver!-Remember we are not marines! Try again! Get a- " Peace! How know you it was not a miracle, like that which astonished Balaam, a few thousand years ago? To tell the truth, reader-to confide to you a favorite but oddish fancy of mine-I have long believed
Page 92 92 A Tedious Story. there are times when it is permitted us, if we then desire it, to have communion with the usually mute orders of inferior creation. That such intercourse has been rare, in these latter years, is no proof it is not possible; and I am sure, if a stupid animal has ever "conversed like a native," a sprightly, intelligent, ingenious, cunning insect might be thought to have that power. I confess I have upon occasioii addressed cows or other animals, half hoping, half believing, they would not only understand, but speak. I do not doubt I was always apprehended, and feel a little disappointment at having but just been favored in the way I have desired, and not, after all, by an animal (which was my dearest wish), but by an insignificant insect, for whose race I have all along entertained not only disrespect but hate. You shall presently see, my reader, there must have been a purpose in the sudden gift of speech to the insect, having reference to the very feelings I have mentioned. I can very readily imagine your further murmurings of incredulity, and querulous general disapproval. " The mosquito had no organs of speech," you are on the point of remarking. Had the venerable donkey of Scripture? How know you
Page 93 A Tedious Story. 93 this, about the organs? "But his voice would be inaudible," you protest. I think I have observed it was very faint; and one may readily believe my hearing (which is generally excellent), was on that occasion helped by some peculiar state of the air, or of my system. But I do not think it dignified to have engaged in this effort to make my relation appear plausible; perhaps I should have made no digression at all, and have depended for defense on a note at the end. I am in hopes the story will be found to speak for itself, as did the mosquito. Now I am naturally a weak and tender-hearted man; I do never needlessly afflict or maim a living thing, or indeed much mar inanimate ones. I am even particular to have my newspapers preserved, in neat files; and when one is torn, there is a certain feeling in my breast, growing out of a sense of fitness, just as carelessly torn and lacerated. But a sort of instinct has always prompted me to kill mosquitoes. I have even been led, through a prejudiced estimate, to ask, What were they made for? I own I was a little surprised with the conduct of the venerable insect; but I have since been exercised
Page 94 94 A Tedious Story. with wondering I was not more astonished. Struck at once with a sense of the enormity of the act I contemplated, I dropped my weapon, and said, ' I beg your pardon-I really had no malice. It was but the mere following a habit." "I have no hard feelings, sir," replied the mosquito. "I almost beg your pardon for stopping you, for I could easily have avoided the blow, and left you to your reflections; but I have looked forward to this moment for many a day. Instinct advises me the time has at length arrived when I may safely and profitably communicate with one of your race. You perceive, sir, my size is somewhat unusual; and when I assure you my age and experience are equally uncommon, you will, I hope, be ready to treat me with more consideration than you have lavished on an innumerable martyred throng of my fellows." A sigh, of considerable profundity for such a little body to heave, escaped the loquacious insect, which uow paused an instant and panted vigorously for oreath,-its former stock of which, considering its volume of voice, I had begun to wonder was not spent before. At length it thus resumed: 1" I do not imagine that anything I could say would
Page 95 A Tedious Story. 95 have the effect to change the opinion your race has of mine. Indeed, my hopes did not look that way. You regard us-reasonably enough, I admit-as bloodthirsty and inhuman creatures. You jest desperately about our 'warlike trump,' and illustrate your hate, in the absence of physical proof, by the uncomplimentary titles you heap on us, and the general tone of the language you employ against us. Thus, you would not credit the assertion that the droning sound you dread and stigmatize is a sigh of regret at being obliged to pursue our horrid trade, in obedience to the cursed instincts of our race. We are not fond of blood, but absolutely know of nothing else that will sustain our existence. We must live, you know." I was about to quote here the well-known reply of Dr. Johnson to a similar remark. Smiling with melancholy gaiety, and waving a dextral limb as though asking a favor, he immediately continued as follows: "I think I anticipate what you would say; at least, I am sure there was some sarcasm in it. But, could you realize it, we are not without our importance in the scale of creation, and subserve a purpose
Page 96 96 A Tedious Story. by much more useful than any your philosophers have grudgingly assigned to us. This, however, though not altogether foreign to my design, is not the subject in my mind and heart at present." The mosquito here smiled grimly, and said, "It must doubtless amuse you to hear me speak of these possessions, which you have all along believed were peculiar to the genus homo; but how could I address you, without a mind; and how exhibit feeling, without a heart? and, I assure you, my kinsmen are not themselves disqualified to boast in that regard. "I will proceed to say, my object-which, I confess, is a little selfish-has reference more to myself than to my race in general. From my youth, sirI see you smile again; but a lifetime is a lifetime, whether it be a man's or a mosquito's-from my youth I have been painfully conscious I am not like other mosquitoes. My life has been spent in lonely thought and distracting speculation. The bitter, jealous, utterly uncharitable tongues of detraction and defamation have been busy against me almost from the hour of my birth. The wittier and more malicious of my race have cracked an infinity of jokes at my expense, while the graver and more
Page 97 A Tedious Story. 97 respectable have consistently frowned on all the plans and new ideas I have spread before them. I have aspired, sir, to the character of reformer and philanthropist. But, alas! my heart has ever stood in the way of my success. Had I been worldly-minded and sordid, my talents would speedily have asserted their claims, and secured me, in their exercise, both honor and wealth. I see you smile again; you are ready to ask in what consists the 'wealth' of the mosquito? What! do you fancy we are for ever on the wing, and have 'no home to call our own?'-as one of your great poets, Mr. Bunn, so beautifully and touchingly says? Try and think better of us. A mosquito with an ordinary sucker can draw, it is calculated, in one flight (which may consume an hour of time as you reckon it), enough sustenence from the veins of your fellow-creatures to answer his needs for a whole day. Of course, then, with the day's work so readily accomplished, he may dispose of his time pretty much as he pleases; and were you curious enough, you might chance to find him decorating his abode, or sitting at the feet of some philosopher of our race, learning wisdom, and, I am free to admit, cunning. But I digress: I have intimated to you that I am unfor5
Page 98 98 A Tedious Story. tunate as regards the relations in which I stand with my fellows. It has all along been my fate to be misunderstood, and (of course) unappreciated. My pretensions to the character of philosopher have been scouted, and my general claims to excellence unmercifully derided. It is hard, sir," said the insect, with much emotion, and betraying once more some symptoms of fatigue, "it is hard, when one has devoted his life to his race, to be misunderstood and suspected by the very ingrates over whom his spirit has been poured 1" Here he wrung his lancet in agony, and a microscopic tear trembled on his eyelid. I essayed to cheer him; but, with the mournful flourish of a disengaged fore-limb, he politely waved me back to silence Having once more recovered his breath and spirits, he steadied himself on several legs hitherto unemployed, and proceeded, as follows: "I have no desire to bore you, either with my tongue or my Ijavelin,' as we facetiously call it,-and will not, therefore, rehearse the innumerable disappointments and mortifying repulses that have been visited on me. I may, perhaps, be pardoned, however, if I mention two of them, as they by much
Page 99 A Tedious Story. 99 transcend the others, and stand, like mountains, on what I may, in this connexion, call the general plain of my life. Above a month ago, I broached a longconsidered scheme for the public good, which I was confident would be received with approbation and gratitude. Expressed at length, my plan was an 'University for the training and perfecting of our youth in the art of pursuing a maintenance with safety and success.' I need not say what were my feelings on achieving but ridicule and abuse, in lieu of that long-courted fame I knew I deserved. L Experience is the only teacher,' they cried. 'But of what consequence is experience to one who has been crushed in gaining it?' I would respond. 'IBy my system, few or no valuable lives will be sacrificed; and thus, a reigning fear being quite dethroned, the general happiness must be infinitely promoted.' With equally cogent arguments did I sustain the other features of my plan, and combat the several objections that were urged against them. But I was a stranger, and totally unused to the employment of winning friends. I failed; was called a visionary; and was absolutely driven back to my haunts by the jeers and even execrations of the people. Nevertheless, I did
Page 100 100 A Tedious Story. not relax my efforts to serve my kind, and in due time was ready with another plan, this time founded on a principle of benevolence still more abstract, but exacting so little of any one, and working such an immensity of good, on the whole, that I fondly hoped none would seriously object to it, while the many would at once reverse their former hard decision, and welcome joyfully my scheme and me. I will briefly explain: I discovered, quite by accident, while supping on the superabundant blood of an alderman, that by a simultaneous mental and physical effort, the matter usually deposited in the puncture, and operating as a local poison, might be retained; and thus the pains I had often witnessed with tears-obliged to inflict the wound, yet powerless to avert the painmight be for ever prevented. With a heart bounding with joy, I made haste to proclaim my discovery,-seeing in it a new and quite practical means of not only sparing the human race much pain, but, as a natural consequence, very much lessening the anxiety of that race to compass the extermination of ours." "Noble insect!' I could not here avoid exclaiming. "You will presently see how highly I must needs
Page 101 A Tedious Story. 101 appreciate your generous expressions," returned the mosquito, apparently much affected. "You will, I hope, believe me, sir, when I assure you that, instead of being hailed as a philanthropist, I was universally derided as a preposterous, milk-hearted ninny, and advised to by all means put in practice my darling theory without delay. There was even some talk of having me privately strangled, as a no longer tolerable nuisance. It almost broke my heart, sir," said the much-moved insect, struggling with its passion, and soon so far giving way to that tender flood as to cease entirely and vent a diminutive sob. My efforts to comfort and re-assure it were long unsuccessful, but finally were so fortunate as to inspire it with an appearance of cheerfulness. "I have done," it said, with a sigh. " The gift and privilege of your human speech are at length afforded me; and I see I have not been mistaken in the one I have selected to hear me rehearse my woes, and hand my name and history down to an admiring posterity." " I will gladly do as you desire," I hastened to say; " and it shall not be my fault if you are ever forgotten."
Page 102 102 A Tedious Story. The mosquito, much moved, bowed its acknowledge* ments, and seemed at a loss for expressions sufficiently warm to convey its feelings of gratitude and attachment. After this was gone through I remarked, "Though I have not a superabundant stock of blood in my veins, I would be pleased to have you illustrate your discovery by a painless operation on any part of my body you may select: for, as you justly remark, it is the pain that vexes us, and not the loss of blood." "Nothing would give me greater pleasure," said the mosquito, with an alacrity that a little surprised me, considering its hitherto air of languor. "Many of our race," it said, with sprightliness, "prefer to attack the feet or neck of a subject, as being usually less exposed to the elements, and therefore tenderer, than the hands and face; but an experienced mosquito is not so particular, and could even get a tolerable living from so unpromising a tract as a thumb-nail." With that, the loquacious insect took the air, and was at the point of alighting on my hand, when drawing back timidly, it said, "I feel it is weak to doubt you, yet I own I am seized with misgivings lest your old prejudices sur
Page 103 A Tedious Story. 103 prise your newer judgment, and I should be crushed in the general result." This notion appeared so quaintly whimsical I could not forbear laughing, as I re-assured my tiny friend, declaring that, whatever happened, its person should be held absolutely sacred. At length, appearing to have quite overcome its timidity, it alighted on that soft part of my hand between the base of the thumb and the knuckle-joint of the fore finger, and at once inserted its amiable tube. I could not help observing that now it looked uncommonly like a very common mosquito. In my speculations as to the cause of this apparent change, and general admiration of the talented pest, I now think I must have spent a good halfminute; but then I was surprised to find he had so soon finished his meal. Fancying, all at once, I felt much of the usual pain (and certainly a most preposterous swelling at once testified he had not wasted his time), I was about to murmur a little, when he cut me short by this most expressive gesture: Standing on the summit of the living mound his treachery had raised-which, swelling and rising every moment, seemed destined shortly to place him in apogee-he coiled one of his fore-limbs around his ensanguined
Page 104 104 A Tedious Story. tube and flourished the doubled end of another before it as though turning an imaginary crank fixed in the end. He heightened the effect of this expressive pantomime by pronouncing, in a cheerful, even triumphant tone, the sententious apothegm, " Sold " Upon which, staying barely to wink his sinister eye in an aggravating but wonderfully knowing manner, he took his flight. Somewhat bewildered, I rubbed my eyes a little, although I was never half so wide awake, and groaned in much bitterness of spirit, eyeing meanwhile the huge, inflamed, aching mound of poisoned flesh on my hand. " Sold! and by such a contemptible little 'cus!' " I murmured spitefully, as I went in search of some. hartshorn.
Page 105 From the fatigue of "heavy reading" nothing relieves one so effectually as a quiet and tender strain of genuine poetry-such, perhaps, as the following:TO ANGELINA. THE.-This passion, and the death of a near friend, would go near to make a man look sad.-MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. OW oft to thee, sweet one-eyed friend, Must I confess my errors! ilere at thy feet again I bend, In your prim, tidy little room; And own I envy one, for whom Strabismus has no terrors. From hobbies, and that sort of thing, No man could well be freer; I sing of twenty when I singI talk of hundreds when I talk; But when I tread my lonely walk You are my one-eyed dear. 5*
Page 106 io6 To Angelina. Oh I who can scent that breath, so rich, Or note those blooming freckles, Or spy that jaunty wig, (you witch 1) Without admiring you a "heap," And rating you "uncommon" cheap At twenty thousand sheckels Talk not of gold-for you will bring A fortune in your "grinders;" Those bilious ramblers, staggering, With "ample room and verge" for most To play at "hide (for some are lost) And seek "-with Dental finders I The line of beauty in your nose Beats Hogarth's grandest notion; For his, I think, had but two bows, But yours has half-a-dozen crooks To heighten your angelic looks, And seal my rapt devotion I And need I praise thy skinny lips, Thou well-preserved old angel Thou seest my muse but lightly skips Those wrinkles-which, I doubt me not, Are "lines of beauty " too, and ought Not to be deemed a strange ill.
Page 107 To Angelina. 107 That sword-like chin I often dream Is very near another Owned by myself; and then I seem To smack by instinct-while the paint Which I rub off seems like a faint Impression of-" MY MOTHER I" Graceful machine!-contrived (Gods I-how ) In some past generation: What is a limp, when such as thou Are lame?-When we o'er earth have swept, Where shall we find your match-except In your imagination I Then take, thou free-gift of the skiesWith bulbous feet so tiny, Oh I take, before thy lover dies, His wretched heart, and make it beat Like your prepost'rous Dutch repeatEr, dearest ANGELINA I
Page 108 MR. PEPPER'S FIFTH LABOR. ----oTHE poet had long been silent. The editor of the Knickerbocker had received from some misguided imitator, who thought to step into the shoes of his exemplar, a poem entitled, " Stanzays Adresed to mi Suetart," and which he had declared inadmissable: exclaiming with fervor: "' Is the sword unswayed? Is the chair empty?' Mr. PEPPER is 'himself alone!'" At this stage, the following letters arrived, and cleared up the mystery. " We thought it very strange," said the editor, " that a poet like himself, whose reputation has become so thoroughly established, should be content to repose upon his laurels:" " DEMOSTHENES FOUR-CORNERS, June 20, 1854. " MR. CLARK, EDITOR: " SIR: Since your fruitless investigations saying that you hoped the sword was not sheathed, or asking if the sword was
Page 109 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor. 109 sheathed-meaning my friend Mr. PEPPER'S pen, I conclude-I have now made up my mind to inform you definitely relative to that Great man. " First: I may say that I adore Mr. PEPPER'S geniusialthough different. I am, as you may say, one of his Antipodes. I am his friend. I and Mr. PEPPER have sprung up into manhood's ripening Sheaf side by side, and called ourselves Friends from earliest infancy. Sir: He has been a blessing to me: I'm proud to have been the first that see into him, and I discovered much. He has got a mind. He is playful but gloomy: Humorous but solemn: Simple but intricate: Pathetic but ridiculous. Sir: I hand you a letter from Mr. PEPPER. It reveals much that perhaps ought to be sacred. It was wrote to me, and the Autograph is genuine. I would not lose that letter for five dollars. " I send it because it contains one of those Gems that have so delighted, astonished, and entranced the civilized world. It is peculiarly PEPPERIAN. "I send the whole letter because a Gem always looks better in a setting. His setting is wonderful. "The private life of great men is a topic at once interesting and good. Good, because it invites people to leave busy cares and live as they live. It is no damage to Mr. PEPPER, because he will be deprived of the Magazine this summer in consequence of not being within fifty miles of a post-office. He will not therefore see it. But pardon me: I keep you from the rich repast in store for your mind. " With consideration. Sir: Yours. P. PEPPER PODD.
Page 110 110 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor. "P.S. You will notice how Mr. PEPPER'S poetic mind transfers bodies of water, when I inform you that the one which he has called PEPPER'S Lake* is but six rods in width and two feet eight inches in depth. Its former name was ' Mudsucker Pond.' " Oh I the powers of that individual's Genius! I am proud that any part of my name resembles his, and I give it prominence in hono: of him. P. P. P." PEPPER'S LAIK, Gune 15th. DERE FELLER: Wot wood you thincs ef you shood see me now Here i am, a rusty katin, fur away frum everthing, bi the side ov a lovly egspans ov wotter-wich, as i hev 1st discuverd its Beutys, & doant no no other naim, i apli mi oan cignacher to it. Hevin retired frum the werld fur a sesun, to comune with Nacher, & giv mi genus a restin spel, i liv like a nankerite, al aloan bi miself-a-fishin & aromin & a-seein ov the things gro. i doant wair nothin but a shirt & pant, as here the cloathin is soopirfloous; mi baird hesent ben teched fur suthin over a weke, & i looc savig, i ken tel you 1-but o how Tran* "THAT something might serve to perpetuate Greatness and be the Tristing-place for Genus."
Page 111 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor. 111 kil i am!- i breth now, & slepe cuiet. ime a-gainin al the wile; & ef I doant stop soon i must bi a noo soot. i am a-compoasin a Grait Pome, mi boy, bi spels, & 1's in a wile i thro of a litle feller, bi way ov varity. mi genus is ever a-sterrin, & kepes me oncumfertabel moast ov the time, bi resun ov the presher. wot it wood doo ef it hed a chans, i donno. but the consekenses wood be dredful to mi helth. You no we Littery men air trubbeld a good dele with pane in the bowls, &c4th. o how i delite to rise with the Son, wen the doo is onto the gras, 4 wock into the woods wair its dri!--i hear the Berds a-cherrupin so hapy it maiks me fele bad; & i ask Wi it is ime so mellancolly & sad?-wi Wo kepes a-hangin aroun & maiks me carry his cloak? No boddy spekes, so i anser: Genus. thairs the cecrit. o wot a cus wen youve got too much!-ef i hed a litle moar, ide spine away, & finelly di. as it is, ime verry febel; so i fish, & dyit strong, & roam into the darknis ov the Ainshen Forrist. You smil, and thine ov Musketer. but youm rong. musketer is a blessing, ef propperly tooc. doant the scrachin maik you onhapy, & aint onhapines the food ov genus? wi, ime so onmindful i let him
Page 112 112 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor. bite, & scaisly doo nothin,-oanly i hev swoar tc thine seeh a appetite is denid to hewman Beings. musketer must liv. he is the part ov profidens as bites, & nothin wotever ken chaing him but a-bringin ov him up bi hand. egskews the goak. i inkerd a naxident wilst a-salin onto the laik the uther day. i wos a-lyin onto mi ores in the senter ov the laik, a-dremin ov Faim &c4th, & wile so doin i fel into a depe studdy-also shallo wotter, wich was mity fortinet, wosent it? i waidid out sloly, a-thinkin wot a nar escaip it wos; & thougt ef it wos deper eny wers nerer the shoar ide bi a life-preserver. Wilst a-reclinin onto the bang, a-dryin on miself bi the Son, the mews caim suddently, & i compoased the folowin lines: TO MY LITLE HOUS: A-FRUNTIN ONTO THE LAIK. o Hous!-altho you speke not, i speke, & say you shant be forgot: Altho youmn nothin but boards, & ov Goald hevent no hoardslikewais no Windos, egsept 1 lite in the bac, to let in the Son, (bein wair i slepe and stay wen it rains).
Page 113 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor. 113 i must say ive tooc no pains to consele my afeckshun fur your presinks. o no!-altho youm a Hut, your fren thincs a Pallis wood be inconveanyent: Becos no i likes to be sent Wen hese tierd, up 3 or 4 pair stairs to bed. hese got uther Afairs to fateag him onto the 1st floor. o no, dere Hous!-Ambishun is ore; & i liv in you contentid as the Cezar duz into his largist glas Pallis, wich cost 2000 dollers. So it is allus. Nachers scollers lerns how to be hapy evry wair: Wen trubbel cums, they doant cair, But fle away to the Woods & git setteld. Hoo wonts goods, or munny, wen he may git chetid, & hev al ov his hapines defetid Bi a-puttin ov his trust into Prinsis & uther Tirans as doant settel thayr biznis? no, dere Hous!-giv me Nacher & you, & ile travvil this Werld throo, a-fishin, & a-roamin, & a-compogin potry: &may i be AT HOAM wen i di. Wot doo you thine ov that last line: aint it Huj? -thats ariginel, mi Boy. Genus dwels into that line.
Page 114 J 4 Mr. Pepper's Fifth Labor. But i must stop a-ritin. rite to me al about Nickerbocker, &c4th. it doant cum here. i wonder ef its stopt a-publishin. i hevent roat fur it now fur a good wile. Now mi Boy, be cairful ov your helth, & anser this imejitly. frum your fren K. N. PEPPER. 0t~~ ~"4r93~ 0f ~ 0 0
Page 115 A LYTELL GESTE OF LEWYS CLARKE. -0 -" Lead forth, 0 clarke, the chaunting quire."-LENORA. -0 -[The origin of this fine old ballad, is enveloped in considerable mystery. It may possibly have been contemporaneous with "Clym of the Clough," or even "The Nut-Browne Mayde;" but a more plausible supposition is, that it was written about the time of (Mr. Pitbladdle thinks a little before) the well-known "Robyn Hode." It is certainly a very old and very singular production; and it is amazing that neither Percy's " Reliques," Ritson's two collections, Evan's "Old Ballads," "The Crown Garland of Golden Roses," nor indeed any important work, should contain it. It seems to have existed in Folio MS. for many years, and, so far as the editor can learn, has never even sparkled from a broadside, or the pages of a black-letter tract. From some data in the possession of the editor, and furnished by the very old but still intelligent person who sang it to him, it is rendered tolerably certain that the hero, " Lewys Clarke," was the editor of a (for those days) very good magazine, called the Nyker Bogger-whatever that may have meant-and at the time the poem was written had begun to cultivate the full
Page 116 116 A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke. beard-being jealous of his friend "Charlys Elyott," a painter, of great celebrity, because Charlys had an uncommonly fine one, of that pattern, and was much admired by the ladies. The appearance of Lewys, at that time-his beard being about a quarter of an inch in length-is said to have been formidable in the extreme. A little boy, aged four years-the son of religious parents-is reported to have been so crazed at the sudden sight of him, as to fall a swearing with great vehemence; which habit it never afterward left off, much to the grief of those excellent people. It died, of a compound curse, after lingering fourteen years in extreme profanity.] Zile ~Jirst fvtte. X 'ITHE (I) and lyften, gentylmen," SAnd well my florye marke; " I hall you tell of a good yeman," Hys name was LEWYS CLARKE. He was a man that myrthes cowde, (2) " Whiles he walked on grounde; So courteyfe a yeman as he was one, Was never none yfounde." Ynne (3) mani bokes had he delyght, Yet was he fcaunt of baird: For fhauvynge was he bende betymes Ynne mornyng: fo he cared. Lewys toke hym a gode wyfe, Shope (4) to hys harts defyres; Full mony yere he dwalt with hyr, Ynne hows of hys own hyre.
Page 117 A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke. 117 On (5) tyde (6) he lode ynne hys gardaun "And lened hym to a tre;" And by hym ftode hys cumly feir, (7) And wurds thys Much spake she: Lewys, to thys my rede (8) geffe (9) ere: Ynne pyt6 let thi here, (io) Lyke eremite or goodlye clerk, (I I) Comen (I2) upon thy lere. (13) Elf muft I wepe my eyen owt:" Hyr (i4) teres begond comyn; (15) Then befpake hym Lewys Clarke All unto hyr wyth wynne: (16) " Gramercy, (17) luve," fayd Lewys, And kyft hyr lytell hond; " For newe (I 8) heft thou fyxit my mynde: (19) Thilk (zo20) teres I pray commond." 1zt ZieconZte fttc. XjgYTH (21) and lyfien, gentylmen, All that now be here," To Lewys what lhold nowe befall, Ynne (zz) londe where that he were. Now is (23) Lewys went to the toun, Hys baird he ftrokyt wel; And prefilye (24) chaunted of a fonge: " Al rowynde my hatte," (25) yt felle.
Page 118 118 A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke. Then fpake that gentyll yeman: The teres fland ynne hys eyen"GODAMARCEY! (z6) longe (27) yehone (28) Thilk manli heres of myne! "Thys ylke (29) day CHARLYS ELYOTT (30) Sail (31) paynt wone blythe of blee: (32) And eke (33) we (34) envye dy nerly, That nere flike (35) baird hath hee." Thos pleaufantly hee recht Charlys, Woo (36) toke hym for fum noder: (37) " Ynne confeyuence, (38) neybor, wold you goo? (39) I lyk not of your odour." Sone as Elyott kent (40) Lewys, Hym feyd: "Now, Lewys, doe Ynne pyte choppe (41) for hewman feem, Or call me frend ne mo." (z2) "Alas!" then fayd good Lewys, "Alas, what have I do! (43) What ys to me a flowynge baird, Yf Charlys ys my foo?" (44) Now have Lewys ifwore hys othe, For home hee begond to serch: He was as will of rede, (45) ynne trouthe, As ever was hare ynne Merch. EXPLYCIT (46) LEWYS CLARKE AND CHARLYS ELYOTT: QUOTH JACQUES MAURICE.
Page 119 A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke. 119 1. Crowd up. 2. Could raise a laugh at his own expense. 3. In: not hotel. 4. Constructed. 5. One: half of two. 6, Morning before breakfast. 7. Own heart's queen. 8. Advice: gratis. 9. Give, or lend, according to disposition. 10. In fact, neither here nor there. The word is significant of bristles. 11. Savan. 12. The same without the n. 13. Cheek: in which Lewys was not lacking. 14. Lewys's wife's. 15. " Coming, Sir." 16. Joy: not wine. 17. Much obliged to you: no allusion to Park of that name. 18. Now, if ever. 19. Mind: no great matter. 20. These: not silk. 21. Another way of spelling it. 22. The same house. 23. As: you're one if you don't remember it. 24. Wretchedly, in this case. 25. The title of an ancient hymn. 26. God be thanked. 27. Along of. 28. Each one: not OchI Hone 29. Very: very likely. 30. Pinxit. 31. Shall: not Sarah. 32. Of majestic countenance. 33. Also: sometimes Ezekiel. 34. With: as, will you drink we me? 35. Such-like. 36. Who: thus, woo be you? 37. Other: not sonnambulist. 38. Conscience: a myth: a good joke, to talk of Lewys's conscience. 39. Go: (0!) 40. Kenned: in justice, caned. 41. Change: no small change here. 42. No more: being as near as our ancestors thought it prudent to come. 43. Done: as, do brown: meaning, done to that tint. 44. Foe: not foo-foo. 45. Disturbed in mind: displeased: angry: mad. 46. "That's all, about," &c........ZB
Page 120 MR. PEPPER'S MOURNFUL SIXTH. -0 -NOW for it. Brace yourself with a little cordial, and then take my hand. Feel along carefully, and-there; stand still a moment. Mr. PoDD is speaking: "Demosthenes Four-Corners, July 20,1854. "MR. CLARK. EDITOR. SIR: Since I favored you with my last, great changes have obscured the face of the sun of Liberty and Happines, which have been in the Habit of shining in favored spots regular. Despots continue to sway the aspect of things. But their reign is short, Sir. I repeat it: Short. Changes must come. As a significant fact, Mr. PEPPER has changed. He is no longer playful. He is gloomy-gloomy. I am afraid his genus is about to sink in a blaze of glory and go out. Yes Sir: I begin to be alarmed for his Existence. His heart is too susceptible: Altogether. It has been touched, Sir: Rudely touched. Many of the strings have I fear been snapped. But let the eloquent and feeling letter he wrote upon the subject tell the tale.
Page 121 Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. 121 It will be seen that he is the combined victim of Affection and a Tyrant. But my hand is influenced by the emotions of my heart. It trembles. Adieu. "P. PEPPER PODD." " Pepper's laik, guly 12. "' DERE FELLER: Hevin l's moar a opertoonity ov cendin you a few lins, i avail miself ov it to 1'st, moar pertickeler as i hev much to inform you wich i cant berry into mi oan boosum. "' PODD, PODD, wot hapines-wot misery-wot rapcher and goy-wot mizzery & Wo ive sufferd sens i rote be4. it semes moar like a dreme-oanly i no it aint, & a dreme woodent maik me loos so much in boddy. ime thin as a waifer, dere boy-& a good dele witer onto the serfis. mi apetite (wich you no wos alus precaris) hes now dwindeld into nothin, & i doant beleve ive ete a hanful in 4 days. i kepe insid the house & lay onto mi fais, a-groanin dredful, & a-syin al the time i doant groan. but i no it must be a speshy ov ageny to hev to wait long fur a explanashun ov this miss tery. ile releve you in but few werds. it wos the 21th ov gune. erly in the mornin. i- o my felins is sech i doant no as i ken revele. wi did i comens the haroin tale? but ile subdoo mi emoshuns & persede with camnes. rite pen!-kepe a-ritin. paws not. "'i hed jest got threw a-washing out side the doar, & wos a-wiping miself onto the toul, wen i herd a shrik giv by a butiful yung lady in ageny. i looct around in frensy, & saw nothin. in a instant a 1 hors wagon floo around the corier, drawed by a frantic animel. in that wagon wos a man a-hoaldin ov the lins & a yung Lady. mi resolooshun wos tooc. i put a stun into 6
Page 122 122 Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. the toul, & wen the hors caim up i spotted him. he dropt so cuick the man & yung lady boath picht forids, & wos a-pickin thayrselves up wen i turnd around. wot a Vizzion she wos! throo al the dert i cood se Buty 1 'Mi preserver I' sed she, in a angilic vois, a-settin ov herselft onto a stun. i floo to her, & maid a faint ov follin onto 1 ne. 'doant,' said she, 'youl derty your pans:' wich wos troo, besids bein considerit. so i dident, but i tooc her hand & sed she wos welcum to mi servis, wich wos no trubel, & ide be hapy to spot a hors fur her evry day. she smild hevinly, & sed i wos 'A-JACK' (a cmart ainshen.) i cald her HELIN, wich she sed wos a mistaik, as her naim wos HANAH GANE WALTERS. i then sed she hed also mistooc my cignacher, wich wos Mr. K. N. PEPPER Esq. Youd orter seen the looc ov surpris & plesyour as her fechers wos spred with wen i opend onto her with that anounsment I she tooc notis ov me for a ninstant kind ov wild, then sudently giv way to her emoshuns & wept. in a short time the toul sacherated with her teres, & i wos a-thinkin ov gittin a dry 1, wen she dride up the fount, & she & the man wich she cald pa, as wos hirt onto his hed, staid with me severil days. i red al mi pomes to her, & we got pirty thic. al to l's the Faither rekiverd & anounst that thay must go hoam. 'Ken you leve?' sed i, in broken ax cents & a thid vois. hers wos thic wen she sed she coodent no way. we then hugd. wot bliss! but the crule Faither put in his ore, & AL wos ore. he hed to choak her of. as he wos a-levin he remarct that he wos worth $900 dolars, & he thougt it wos redickalus, raither. but ef it wos spoart to him, it wos deth to me &
Page 123 Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. 123 her. She sed 2 or 3 times she shoodent ete eny thing; & the onfelin Rech at last spoak & sed it wood saiv vittels. Wen thay disapeard roun the corner-she a-waivin her hankerchif, i ahoaldin up mi hans in mewt dispair,-i sune onto the floar, & in my ageny toar of al mi vest buttons in 1 gerk, & struc sumthin hard onto the floar. it wos 1 ov mi aingels puf-coams, as fel in the hart rending struggel. i dident mind the ile, but kist it al the rest ov the day. its be4 me now. its al as kepes me aliv. heres wot i rote wen i becum cam enuf to hoald a pen: "'TO THE AINGEL AS IS GON. ''o HANAH, HANAH, HANAH dere: GANE WALTERS! wers the vizzhun now? Dispers fur ever moar i fere (bi) Your Faither with the angry Brow. "'o HANNAH ken i say youm gon? To a onkind Fait must PEPPER bow? A. then wele pile our cursis on(to) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " '0 wot a load to carry round! To fre hisself he donno how: A onhapy man now wock the ground(its) Your Faither with the angry Brow. "'but, lovly HANAir, doant dispair, doant taik on bad, doant rais no row; 1 man '11 feel remors & cair(its) Your Faither with the angry Brow.
Page 124 124 Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. " wot chaing hes cum it oar our dremes 1 Wot Hap'nis l's, wot miz'ry now I But Gustis lay the blaim, it semes, (onto) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " 'in Graiv we mete, ef no waris els, Mi HANAH dere, i make a vowOr sooner ef Deth the spirrit cuels (ov) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " 'o PODD, PoDD-i wos afraid i shood di be4 i got that dun. but its dun now, & i doant no wether to send it to her or let it be found amungst mi efex. ef i doant hury it wil be the last. Dere PODD, good bi-peraps fur ever. PODD good bi, good bi. 1's moar good bi, from your old fren K. N. PEPPER. "'n. b. encloased is a loc ov mi hair. ef i di, let my funerl be privit. let HANAH GANES puf-coam be berrid with me. tel her i wos troo, & dide fur her. S'Fair wel. K. X. P.'"
Page 125 ON NOSES. -0 -"Said Aaron to Moses, Let's cut off our noses. Said Moses to Aaron, 'It's the fashion-to wear 'em.' " 1 OW the above amusing and authentic anecdote has been preserved to us, would be an interesting question for the antiquary. Considering the lapse of time since the date of that remarkable conversation, it ought not to surprise us that so little of the lighter chit-chat of these humorous High Priests should now remain, but rather that any scrap could have clung to the memory of man for so long a period. Where Aaron acquired a notion so absurd, cannot now be learned. It would appear that the influence of the
Page 126 126 On Noses. more sensible Moses was sufficient to prevent the precipitate Aaron from ridding himself of a feature which, however unornamental, was certainly useful, if not indispensable. After reading a statement so disparaging, one cannot help losing somewhat of that respect for Aaron which, in a general way, attaches to the cloth. No matter if his nasal protuberance was as homely as that of the little boy who complained to his mother that his nose " grew pugger and pugger every day;" he could on no principle be excused for severing it from the face for which it was made. And if the act proposed would have been one of pure wantonness-which we suspect was the case-we cannot find words sufficiently energetic for the adequate expression of our shocked-nay, horrified feelings. On the other hand, we honor Moses with peculiar homage for his manly and dignified stand upon the nose of his friend. Note his gentlemanly deference to the opinions and usages of the community. In his laconic but comprehensive reply he says only, 'L It's the fashion to wear 'em." It is proper to infer that this reply had the happiest effect upon Aaron. It presented to him the inconvenience of being without a nose, in connection with the idea of singularity-of being " out of
Page 127 On Noses. 127 fashion;" which, in those days-when a man at two or three hundred was still thought young-must have been the most terrible one that Moses could have suggested. We may also believe that Moses had a reverence for the nasal feature, as a feature; and that it pained his sense of fitness and proportion to imagine the human countenance as divested of it. It is this feeling with which we sympathize most deeply in the present article; for the question of fashion has come to affect the shape, rather than the existence, of the nose. It may sound oddly to some to speak of the nose in this technical way; but let them ask almost any mother to describe how, by innumerable pinches, she fashioned the noses of her offspring-redeemed them from "pug "-ness, or checked their banian-like tendency to turn toward the root-and they may begin to realize that the idea is not absurd. Beside the notion of mere servile imitation, in these artist-minded mammas-shaping a nose after the rich Mr. A's, or the fashionable Miss B's-two ideas may be mentioned, as having a particularly controlling effect. First, and most widely prevalent, is that of beauty. Few are insensible to the beauty or effect of a well-turned nose. After the eyes and mouth, per
Page 128 128 On Noses. haps the nose takes the first place in a description of features. " She's very pretty-that is, would be, were it not for that horrid nose!" or, " what a fine nose Mr. C. has!" are expressions familiar to every one. The other idea is that of character. There is a great deal of character in a nose. That is, the nose is often made quite an index of character; not always, or perhaps often, willingly-but insensibly, and not the less surely. Both these ideas will be further illustrated in the following analysis. The Grecian nose is usually considered the finest and most noble of all the varieties. It is distinguished by its being " well planted" between the brows, and straight upon the ridge, and by its firm, well-turned nostrils. It lends dignity and grace to the countenance, and is significant of truth, honor, purity, and delicacy of mind. Nobleness, openness, and liberality of mind and heart are suggested by it. It may be mentioned here, however, that these signs are by no means infallible, and the same may be said in relation to those which follow. (My pocket was once picked by a Grecian-nosed thief.) The Roman nose is also much admired, as being indicative of manliness and vigor of mind, and lofti
Page 129 On Noses. 129 ness of purpose. The ridge, instead of being straight, is raised in the middle, generally so as to form an obtuse angle, though sometimes it has a continuous curve. This variety of nose is suggestive of strength rather than delicacy of mind, and of prudence than generosity. Both the varieties which have been mentioned depend much for their favorable significance upon the purity of their "lines," and degree of per fection of " chisseling." The Aquiline nose is curved and hooked, like the bill of the eagle. It is usually accompanied by sharpness and activity of mind, but is indicative rather of acuteness than solidity. It is also an accompaniment of cunning, selfishness, and rapacity. (If the reader, or his wife, has such a nose, he will of course know the case is an "exception.") The Retrousse nose is vulgarly called the " turn-up." It is rarely accompanied by nobleness or greatness of mind, but rather signifies one absorbed by self. The possessor of such a nose may be witty, sensitive, and " thin-skinned," but rarely generous, manly, or highsouled. On this kind of nose "1hats " have been suspended. The "Pug "-nose-the poor little pug-nose; what 6*
Page 130 130 On Noses. need be said of the pug-nose? Everybody knows the pug-nose. Not "big enough to pull," or small enough to be called a wart, it can neither be blown nor worn with satisfaction, and is only possessed by men as little in proportion as the excrescence itself. Napoleon gave small-nosed men a particularly wide berthand there was reason. There are modifications of all these varieties; and, indeed, a great portion of all the noses may be termed modifications. Then we have the " bottle-nose," the "carbuncle nose," the "rum-blossom nose," the "squab-nose," the "flat nose," and the nose with the knob at the end. The next to the last-named variety embraces the African nose. A wide nostril denotes a deep, full chest. A very red and highly-inflamed nose is significant of " apple-jack," which is a " weakness." Washington had a very fine, wide-ridged Grecian nose. The Greeks are generally supposed to have Grecian noses. Wellington had a remarkable Roman nose, and most Romans have them likewise. John Randolph and Tristram Burgess had aquiline noses. "Turn-up," and "pug" noses are not commonly sported by great men.
Page 131 On Noses. 131 A race of people-thank Heaven becoming extinct -called Yankees, have succeeded in converting the nose into a musical instrument,-of wondrous power, but somewhat deficient in sweetness. It is not commonly considered so good as the natural organ, and, it is to be fervently hoped, will in time be disused. We have only to fancy the human countenance divested of the nose, to agree with Moses that the nasal appendage is " very good in its place." The advocates of Aaron's theory are becoming rare.
Page 132 MR. PEPPER'S GREAT ODE. - 0----- SEADER, I have not the heart to add to the eloquent words which follow, introducing to the world what seemed Mr. PEPPER'S last letter and poem:" The ' Great Pote' has emerged from the desolateness of his transient rusticity into the light of society and 'frens.' But alas I PEPPER is a wreck I Let his note revele.' Its sombre shadows disclose a ponderous 'wo' which his sensitive delicacy alone warns him to withhold, in all its magnitude and tragic horror, from a too-easily-affected community. PHncBUS how much 'genus' can suffer, and not 'cavel' But the reader must not be kept longer in suspense SDemosthenes proper, "Octobir lth, '54. "MR. L. GALERD CLARK, ESQ.: " MR. EDITER-after a long silens ov uperds ov 8 munths (in consekens ov bein fir remoov rum feverything bi a
Page 133 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. 133 laik, a fishin fur mi helth) i hev now returnd hoam to Di. theres no resun wi i shoodent, as i hevent got nothin fur to liv fur, now. mi tale shel never be toald to no boddy-much les to hir. i hev only comunicatid the cecrit to 1 fren. no boddy els coodentbi it fur munny. but i mene to kepe a-ritin potry al the wile, til i cant hoald a pen. then ses i, Goast, go up I ile welcum deth cuickly, onles a sertin oald tiren soon egspires, wich aint probble, as meen men never di. But the Werld shel thine ime gay -mi pomes shel be rote so cairles. encloased is a noad to the grek Slaiv, wich plese cend to the comitty,* ef not too lait, as i feer. ef so, plees keep the saim, as a me Mente ov the moril Kerig ov Yours fur a few days oanly, K. N. PEPPER. "p. s. i doant cair about the $100 dollers. giv the munny to sum yung man as is gest marid to the objeck ov his chois & startin into biznes. wot doo i wont ov munny? ide lik it peraps ef that oald tiren- but i say no moar. egskews my emoshuns. thaym overpowrin & daingerus. K. N. P. "A NOAD TO THE GREK SLAIV. " 's moar, mi Pen, asoom 1's moar the trasis ov blanc Vers: 1's moar spring litely into em. doant gerk. go cam & cuiet; but git on fire gradily, mi pen, & giv the subjeck Convulshuns I * The "Cosmopolitan Art Association " offered a prize for the best Ode to the Greek Slave. Mr. PEPPER had a mind to contend for it.
Page 134 134 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. "STATOO (good hevins! wers mi i's?-ime blind!) STUN PICTER! hail!-in consekens ov your glory i shel be compeld to hev a operashun performd fur Cat a rack, immejitly. i thougt i cood go this slo; But i se it cant be dun: youm al powrful: your influens is sech, ime al ov a trembel, & fele a sort ov sicnes a-crepin into mi stomic slo but shoor-like a gimblit into a board. wos you al sculp frum I pese? say, Perfeckshun!hevent you got no goints maid ov putty, nor nothin? But no; i feel yoijn perfeck: i thinc, at leest, that POWERS'S story otto be giv ear towich ses youm al hac out ov a marble stun. (imortel gowns I wot a genus fur sculp!) distingguisliht Femail! a-standin thayr onto 1 legin silens admired bi hundreds, i supoasyou ken apreshait the felings ov her as went in swimmin, & soon aperin 1's moar, discuverd nothin into the plais ov a good soot ov Cloas, as wos a-lyin thayr But 1 short minit previs-supoasd to be hern. (pardon me, grek, for the alooshun.) But wot need hes Buty, fur menny artikels ov aparril? how menny ladys you se wich sertinly thine EVE's fashion wos the handyest, but thay parshelly giv in to custum, out ov the nateral kindnis ov thayr harts I
Page 135 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. i35 wos that the stile wen you wos animaitid? then wot did you cawl makin ov a toy lit? frum your compleckshun i shood thine peraps you dined prinsiply onto your natyv Air. it must hev ben ov a solider maik than nited Staitsen air, wich is mity thin dyit wen used egscloosiv, as i otto no. o Slaiv- but i leve you to ges wots hapend: oanly remarkin that 3 wekes ive livd onto it; But at last poor Nacher hes cum round to vittels. " wot butiful hans-so delekit & wite! thats rmoastly dun bi activly a-doin nothin. i no a yung lady as hes got sech hansoanly not cuite so very wite & teanty, oin to a crule Faither as maiks her were. her naim is HANAH G. W. her feet air larger, But woodent be ef her shoos & stockins wos of. her arm, ef anything, is bigern yourn; & shes raither better lookin into the fais. firther comparrisuns wood be but ges were, owin to the present inconvenyent fashins; But no dout thay wood be faverbel to HANAH. i no her figers shorter, likewais her noas; But in them fechers statoos must be pardond, fur sculpers hev inoomeribel rinkels. roWRS thincs Buty lays in hite & lengthBut 1 looc at HANAIH wood chaing his hul idee.
Page 136 136 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. yet hoo wood hev al Buty ov a peese? STATOO fur your stile youm perfeck I your looc ov cam disgust is probbly rite, altho sum harts wood gladly se thee smiL your air is forin, sos your nashun too; you air the verry Picter ov a grek in chains, & no dout a 1st chop sampel. it doant tan you much to traivil, i se: youm prQbbly well cloathed, exsep wen shoad; then your dres is egstreemly lo in the nec: Bein a vizzionery Bloomer, without enny pans-- or a full dress, posessiv cais under stood. " i must now bid you a abrupt adoo, fair STATOO! felin al the distressin simtums ov a pereodikel atact ov pain into the bowls. MARBLE STUN ENTERPRIS I-FAIR THEE WEL 1'
Page 137 PHRENOLOGY OF THE HEAVENS. A PAINTING. BY MR. PEPPER. -0---- ON the next page but two, will be found an engraving from a " Shove Dover," by Mr. Pepper-who, like T. Buchanan Read, is an artist-poet. The following extract from the remarks of J- M-, the eminent critic, it will be perceived, even from the engraving, are profound and lucid, as well as just: " This remarkable work is the first of its kind. We are at a loss where to place it. We cannot, perhaps, put it before the greatest of the 'Chef d'oeuvre Productions' of Landis, the celebrated apostle of 'High old Art and Literature,'-he of 'the
Page 138 138 Phrenology of the Heavens. Capitol of this Commonwealth, contiguous to which, lie 'is a native;' nor can it be placed behind that painting; for then it could not be seen at all. It must take its own place." "The chiaro-'scuro effects, in this painting, are very fine: so fine that most unassisted eyes will not be able to perceive them. Mr. Pepper's handling is quite-nay, excessively, free; and he works up his inspirations with-in short, his brush. His coloring cannot be excelled, for intensity of blue; while the general tone, considering the subject, is uncommonly moral. Were we hypercritical, it might be obvious to remark, that the best painters of celestial scenery represent stars with five points instead of six; but of course it does not become a liberal critic to notice such a trifling blemish: the artist may have seen stars with six points. "It is interesting to note those little inaccuracies which evince the carelessness of true genius. Thus, the left fore-leg of the bear is fore-shortened too much by' about the thirty-second of an inch. But how amply is this oversight atoned for in the extraordinary amount of intelligence thrown into the face of the bear I The tip of this celestial animal's nose is full of meaning. And the grace and repose of his figure-particularly the tail-challenge the encomium of every lover of extremely High Art. "The accessories are well managed; the artist has them under complete control. Indeed, they have never been managed in quite the same way before. On a careful inspection of certain marks, we cannot resist the impression that the picture was at
Page 139 Phrenology of the Heavens. 139 first intended as a-mere skiagram; but that the suggestiveness of the subject induced the artist to fill it up, with all that elaborateness of finish now observable in it. How exquisitely faithful are the claws of the bear How delicately pencilled are his ears 1" S e $ $ $ $ $ + SWe understand that an engraving of this admirable painting is being prepared, and impressions will be ready for subscribers by about the middle of September. Artists' proofs-with a giftbook-one dollar. Without the gift-book, four cents. The exquisite jokes, in parentheses, were invented by Mr. Podd-whose spirits went so high, on the final completion of the painting, that for the space of half an hour his gravity entirely forsook him." cf D
Page 140 FRE NOLLIG OV THE HEVINS. FROM TIHE ORIGINAL PICTURE, IN THE POSSESSION OF P. PEPPER PODD, ESQ. -0 -[REMAARc.] ileer we hev a picter ov the H-evins, as thay apeerd be4 the stars wos fixt acordin to Act ov congriss: fur wich we cant be too graitful. Venous-al bloody-is seen onto the rite, gest a-settin-peraps fur to hach (wich goak is pirfeckly arigenal): Grait Bair, rampan, with his tail a-flyin, is the prinsipal objeck into the frunt-sed bi Connysoors to hev a pecoolyerly sagashus looc out ov his left i: Moon, over the left-wich is a bad sine; shood chaing with Venous. (End ov the Remare.) (Desined & painted, & the Remare compoased, with grait expens-espeshelly the arigenal Goak-fur to be shoad hi Mr. Winter: wich the pris he coodent pay:-remarkin that cheep Genus wos al he cood afoard to encurrig. n.b. no Solt must be put onto the Bairs tail.)
Page 141 THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN. -0 -OWING to the continued operation of those natural laws which govern the motions of the earth, and the impossibility of the sun's rays penetrating the bodies of the planets, it was night in Bugtown. I will conceal nothing: the hour was eleven, and it was dark! for as yet there was no gas in Bugtown, and the moon was away that night, attending to a little business-in fact, pursuing her reflections in the groves of Persia, where she has been, from the earliest ages, afflicted with a passion for wandering. I am not prepared, of myself, to assert that it was very dark; but I firmly believe it was, because Rose Water, who had been standing for ten minutes on the steps of her father's house, trying to see her own hand, which she held before her face for that purpose,
Page 142 142 The Little Frenchman. said it was; and I have no intention of disputing a lady. An insect-which, in flying about with unusual ardor, had covered itself with perspirationhappening to touch the hand of the lady, just as she had delivered the opinion ascribed to her, and lightened herself of a ponderous sigh, she added, in a tone of considerable vexation, "And, I declare, it's raining. How provoking 1" A sigh followed, compared with which, the other was as nothing, in point of weight and general dimensions-the latter being decidedly longer, while at least as broad and thick as its predecessor. She then went in. [It is probable that a portion of my readers are surprised that I do not lengthen the preceding sentence by the addition of the word "lemons;" supposing, of course, that our heroine immediately engaged in some unique employment, with considerable energy-all of which may be expressed in that brief and elegant phrase. No; she went in, as I said-feeling sour enough, I dare say, but nothing near as acid as the fruit mentioned. Another intelligent and acute portion of my friends are, doubtless, ready to suggest the substitution, for "went in," of the phrase "turned in," as more comprehensive, and
Page 143 The Little Frenchman. 143 savoring of probability, at that hour of the night. I confess I am not smitten with a mania for economy in words. In due time I should, perhaps, have alluded to Rose's going to bed; though I doubt if I would have been quite so minute, in the description of that process, as Mr. Keats, in his "Eve of St. Agnes." Let all readers leave the narration of the story to me, and read on with child-like confidence in the excellence of its management.] Why had Rose Water for so long a time exposed herself to the night air of Bugtown-knowing full well, as she did, that fever-and-ague was prevalent in that section? It is quite probable that Rose had her own reasons for it. It is no affair of ours. It may not be thought particularly impertinent, however, for me to mention that she was friendly to one Count La Vendre-or "Lavender, the little Frenchman," as he was good-humoredly termed by the boys of the village-who was spending the summer in the country, his home being, since his exile, in New York city. Every one except Rose seemed to think the count of no great account, and found it difficult to account for her preference. [I fancy a sneer of ineffable scorn to be wreathing
Page 144 144 The Little Frenchman. the lips of some critical readers. Not for the titled foreigner do they feel that contempt. Oh no! they already love the little Frenchman. That scorn is for me, the author. "A man who will pun," they say, in tones of cutting severity, " or attempt the ringing of changes on words, merits the contempt of the general reading public, and the reprehension of his friends." All the same to him, if he don't get it. Losing sight of even the truth, in my devotion to a whim, I shall go on to say that-] The little Frenchman could count on one good friend, at least, in Bugtown: one whose slightest taste never ran counter to his own; one who delighted to hear him recount his Othello-nian adventures-the account of which would often make her heart beat faster than she could count; one who, to all appearance, received the veracious narrative without any hesitation or mental discount: counting the count as honest as any he in the county, or, indeed, the country-not mentioning the continent, as unwilling to countenance that wholesale manner of statement. There! Rose went in. [Which makes the third time I have alluded to that sensible action, and lays me
Page 145 The Little Frenchman. 145 open to censure on the score of redundancy in language. No one but a fool would again repeat the assertion.] Leaving her to grope her way up to her room-muttering, as she went, that the various 'i stories" were " not so interesting as some she had gone through," I return to the count-whom, by the way, I do not remember to have left. The count was standing-no, I can't lie: sitting-at his window in the village hotel, at the same hour (the reader will remember-eleven-how significant!) and also chiding, but in bad English, the unpropitious elements. To add to the horrors of his condition, the wretched little Frenchman was drunk. Like any other conquered son of Gaul, he did not seem to be aware of his situation, but conversed with the inhabitants of Pandemonium, and other low society, in a strain of energetic, but tipsy volubility, that must have disgusted even the lowest of that class, and estranged for ever the friendship of the more intelligent devils. " By gar! zis is too bad!" he at length remarkedcooling a little in both language and feeling. "Rose VattareI she vill say I am ze dem foo-oo-ool! I vill go, if it shall r-r-rain peech-fork!" So spake brave 7
Page 146 146 The Little Frenchman. La Vendre, the little Frenchman-adding the single expletive, "Sacre I" [The sagacious reader has, doubtless, already guessed-much to my surprise, and entirely contrary to my intention-that our Gallic friend, the vivacious La Vendre, and Rose Water had made some arrangement, probably clandestine, to be consummated that night: say running away, getting married, and coming back, repentant and forgiven, after many years, with a coach-and-six, six children and half-adozen servants. "It would be so nice!" murmurs some pretty blue-eyed creature in curls and 'teens. "Just the plot for a short novel," pronounces her literary and elderly sister. Ge-urls, it shall be as you say. That was the plan. I swear to you, that was the plan. Let us watch its fortunes.] The solemn tones of the village clock tinkled musically and sadly as they tolled: no-struck: nomarked with feeling emphasis the hour of eleven. The hour-hand gravely pointed to the Roman characters XI., on the dial-face, and, in conjunction with the more mercurial minute-hand, embraced affectionately the hour included between them. Soon the minutehand, with ill-timed levity, offered to bet his brother
Page 147 The Little Frenchman. 147 that he would give him eleven-twelfths of the whole course the start, and overtake him in less than an hour and a half. "Done!" said the self-conceited senior, forgetting his dignity in the excitement of the moment, and at once engaging in the race. Racing was no new thing to them; in fact, they were old hands at it. While this undignified farce was acting in the steeple, the little Frenchman, all unconscious of that, and nearly everything else, pursued below his eccentric course towards the dwelling of his charmer. When he had arrived within a block or two of the house, continuing his recitations by the way, the shocked and distressed elements could no longer restrain their grief, and wept profusely. Notwithstanding this evidence of atmospheric agony the profane Gaul continued to rail, until he stood beneath the window of Rose Water. It would seem that he felt a little disappointed at the general aspect of things on his arrival. Though straining his eyes to a dangerous degree of tension, he had not been able to discern the rope-ladder hanging from the window of his Dulcinea; and it would have been a very singular discovery if he had, considering that there was none there. There was no sign of Rose; no indication of a desire on her
Page 148 148 The Little Frenchman. part to change her quarters, even though she should thus secure the " eligible, well-watered and every way desirable piece of property, soon to be sold." The count had thought he had known what sadness was, in days gone by. Indeed, he had often feelingly observed the same to Rose; but now he was certain he knew. While his feelings were getting ready to culminate in some affecting speech, the window above him slowly raised, and two young ladies peered cautiously into the darkness. "There he is!-he has come, after all," whispered Rose to her companion, as a flash of lightning for a moment revealed the dripping and melancholy figure of the little Frenchman, now rushing to and fro in a state of dismal distress and unhealthy excitement. Was the elopement, then, to take place, and make a happy man of the count, notwithstanding the unpromising aspect of affairs? We shall see. At length, as the accumulative, blighting unhappiness of his state, without and within, came upon him with resistless force, he clasped his hands, and gave vent to his injured feelings. " By gar! zis is tr-r-riste diffecultee I shall be mad I ROSE VATTARE I Vous make dem foo-oo-ool
Page 149 The Little Frenchman. 149 of me I It is not kind! I shall str-r-rike mon head on ze wall! I vill now r-r-run!"-which intention was hardly called for, as he had been running all the while. Nevertheless, it served to quicken the speed of the unhappy Frenchman, who now made directly for the wall as though he were charging a battery. Suddenly he stopped and clapped both his hands to his stomach, losing at once both his color and animation. The bad liquor, the excitement, the rain, and the melancholy had done their office. "I am ZEE-EEEEK!" whimpered the miserable little Frenchman. I' I will go back to ze hotel!" He was too thoroughly plunged in distress to be aware of the smothered laugh which stole down from Rose's window, and followed him merrily a good distance. Mightily glad to reach his destination was the Count La Vendre. Shutting his door on the world with its cares and troubles, including a portion of his share in both, the still unhappy Gaul stood for a moment contemplating himself in the glass. Then, with a muttered " Sacre 1!" the little Frenchman, now thoroughly disgusted, rushed to the bed, threw himself on it, and groaned himself to sleep.
Page 150 A POEM (AND POET) CUT SHORT. ----o" One dem'd grind."-MANTALINI. STROPHE. O SHADE of Mother Goose: that long since fled (No one knows when, exactly,) to the sky: Bend, pr'ythee, bend thy venerable headLook down, good Ghost, if with but half-an-eye, And see a struggling poet rhyming here. Oh! for a moment lay your knitting by For work more fitting: write, make blunders, cryDrop but a line, a stitch-a pitying tear; Do anything, to prove you sympathize In his distress; so will you hush his sighs, Warm his cold heart, inspire his lazy penAnd make him yours devotedly. Amen. ANTISTROPHE. METHINKS a voice, all thin and quavery, cracked, Steals down in whispers: "I am Mother Goose.
Page 151 A Poem (and Poet) cut short. 151 Take my advice: Unless by Want attacked, Never again thy Pegasus unloose: For I should now be living on the earth, If Fate had with my genius made a truce, Consigned my well-known Melodies to the deuce. And spared those labouring pains which marked their birth:" And here, a sob assaults my tender ear, So natural and "old," I think it queer Those vocal sounds should have the least existence, Just travelled, quavering, such an awful distance. EPODE. GOOD heavens 1--can it be so-is " Mother" right? Is "Goose" aufait in matters of this kind?O Matron, Sage-ess, Wisdom's Shade!-this night I bend an old twig to your turn of mind. The world should know, that a tremendous poet Majestically leaves himself behindHimself thus martyrs, whistles down the wind. 'Tis sad to have much genius (and to know it)Compelled to choke it down, or lose a life; But she was all unequal to the strife,And I-my poems, or my breath resigning, Make now my choice-and straightway stop my whining.
Page 152 A PAUSE. -oPERHAPS it is just as well, my tender-hearted reader, to postpone the shock of Mr. PEPPER'S harrowing next. Suffer yourself to be detained a little while by a few trifles. Try a crumb from the Orient:FABLE FROM THE ARABIC. One morning the Sun said to himself: " This is the day I have fixed on for the annihilation of Raschid al Ferez, the bareheaded despiser of my power. The wretch must die! I have said it." He then began to travel over the sandy plain, which soon was ready to fuse with the extraordinary heat. But what astounding sight has filled the sun with wonder, and checked his blazing progress across the heavens? Raschid al Ferez is no longer bareheaded! " Alas I" said the over-heated luminary, in a terrible perspiration, "why am I always a day too late? A friend
Page 153 A Pause. 153 to my intended victim has robbed me of my prey by sending him, from New York, one of' Whang's Gossamer Hats.' I know them! I They are proof against anything I can do in Arabia. When I get directly over the corner of Broadway and T'other Street, I will endeavor to burn up their establishment."* Or a sententious and oracular home-made tit-bit: A HAPPY EXPEDIENT. One day, when Time was young, the Graces, clustering round him, desired to know how long he was to exist. Conscious of his ignorance, but, because his locks were already grey, wishing to be thought wise, he thus replied: "For Man was I created. He dies: to him I exist no longer." (This is very funny.) Or a sentimental taste:UNREST. Alas I what strangers we are to sweet content I What trifles move us I Geometricians tell us points have "neither length, breadth, nor thickness, but position only." Our school-days being over, how many of us-dwelling in blest obscurity, but lacking neither in length, breadth, nor thickness-are ever vainly sighing to be points I * Picked up in the street: supposed to be intended as an advertisement. 7*
Page 154 154 A Pause. Or a narrative and anecdotical morsel:AUTHENTIC INCIDENT IN WASHINGTON'S LIFE. Washington was one day walking in his front yard, when who should come in, unperceived, but La Fayette. Bursting with the humor of his idea, the Marquis stole up to the General and slapping him on the back, roared out: " Wash I my old boy -how are you?" " Tol'ble, Mac," said Washington, with that perfect self-possession which he always exhibited,-" I feel-but stop: I smell dinner I Wait here a few minutes, and I'll fetch you out a bite." Or a biographical slice:TORRICELLI. This was the Italian gentleman who discovered the vacuum. While engaged in a bustling search for it, he originated a style of answer to impertinent inquiries, that has since become common. His inquisitive uncle observed the flurry he was in, and cried: "What are you looking for, Torry?" " Oh, nothing," was the reply,-which both incensed and silenced the old man. Torricelli, being a man of genius, was modest, and did not make much of his discovery; but modern scientific men affect to see a good deal in it. Nature is said to abhor a vacuum: but it is thought she resembles many other solid old women, who are remarkable for making a prodigious fuss about nothing at all. Or a jocose sip or two:
Page 155 A Pause. 155 A HEAVY JOKE. (EXPECTED TO GO THE ROUNDS.) The most amusing geological curiosity is a " Grin' stone " ANOTHER. The most emblematical one (significant of a stupid cow-fight) is the greenish mineral " Hornblende." CONUNDRUM. Why is this book like the Russians at Sebastopol? Because it is pretty well Pepper-ed. Or an epigrammatic final puff:JENNY LIND'S LAST NOTE. A-sighing in her garden, one damp morning, She looked where Goldy in the window satWho, dozing there, that moment dropped his hat. She picked it up, the act with song adorning, But shook her head,-that instant having warning Her sighs would hardly let her reach A flat. "But, soft: behold!" A Tribute to Genus. Thus Clark, with energy: "MR. U. C. SKIPPERS sends us 'A Dress to K. N Pepper,' from which we segregate the following. But, Mr. SKIPPERS, PEPPER can't be imitated-he can only be approached at a very great distance:"
Page 156 156 A Pause. " GREAT PEPPER I thou star ov 1st magnitude In the litterrary cistem, receve mi offerinks In yur own stile ov blanc vers witch dont Yu nevr fursak. Youm eeny about the fust Poik livin witch kums up 2 mi idees. Wat a free an unparalel han yu strik the Kords with, dont yu? Youm grat youm punkins! Yu ken sale on, grat barb, like the elektrik spare Witch darts the hevinks thru an rips the klowds Considrable, an sumtimes strikes barns; Jes so youl rip the klowds of ignerens & erer. Yu ken beet eny livin poek & not - tri Ile bet, with yur rite han tide behin ye." JPOV 0003 ~ 000~~t~ l~ 0~~f 0 0~~~~~ 0 000 0f m00~0~ 0E~ 0 0
Page 157 MR. PEPPER WALKS IN THE "VALLEY OF SHADOWS." 0 -THERE is much, in Civil War, to justify our fears when threatened with it: much, very much, in Toothache. But when a man, and that man a poet: a man of imagination, feeling, sympathy, affection: has reasoned with himself, and come to the conclusion that Suicide is the only thing that can make existence supportable, we infer at once, that man has suffered, and very likely been unable to sleep much for several nights. We know it I Reader! fancy yourself possessed of the organization of a PEPPER. It is hard to do it, but-fancy it. Then, in imagination, overwhelm your gentle spirit with misfortune, neglect, enmity, disappointment, and the hereditary misery of Genius: go on,-goad
Page 158 158 Walks in the Valley of Shadows. ing yourself to that pitch of madness that life becomes "a burthen and a curse:" keep up this unpleasant "posture of affairs" a few days or weeks:-then cal culate yourself up, and see what you come to. You will think (and SKIPPERS will agree) that it is " not exactly the cheese" to be in, a great while. You may have desperate thoughts of-but no; even then, compared with PEPPER, you would be happy. For he must leave the angelic HANNAH JANE. The "rub" was to rub himself out of her society; and not to yield up beefsteak and the light of day. That part cannot be imagined. The annexed correspondence, when it appeared in the Knickerbocker Magazine, spread (very evenly) a gloom over the continent of North America, from the Isthmus of Darien to 820 50'; which is giving Melancholy the largest latitude that can be afforded in the present state of our geographical knowledge: " Demosthenes Four-Corners, Jan. 10, 1855. "MR. CLARK: EDITOR: " SIR: After reading the inclosed letter which I have just had the melancholy Pleasure of receiving from our mutual friend Mr. K. N. PEPPER, Esq., you will of course lay aside all other Considerations and weep with me. Sir: Tears are good. He was
Page 159 Walks in the Valley of Shadows. 159 worth rivers of them, or, if I am extravagant, creeks. I say was, for I consider him a Relict. He was, but is not. He is dead to the world, although he may feel alive. He is a singular instance of the experimentum Crucis. It is not too much to say that I regret his absence. He has left a void which I fear Aches. My children were wont to greet him playfully, and received Brazilian nuts at intervals. The three-cornered productions of South America may be supplied, but where is the Benefactor? Perhaps you do not wonder that I am weeping; perhaps you do not wonder that four children and an angelic Woman have streaks of dirt on their cheeks. You can feel for them. You have been in the same painful situation. "But a flood of emotion appears to be rising. I must close before I am carried away. "With consideration: Sir: Yours, "P. PEPPER PODD. "P. S. As the Transaction will be unknown to Mr. PEPPER, I will send you Part First of the Great Pome as soon as I receive it from him. P. P. P." " DEER FELLER: "' 'ive fled. fal to were a-makin up your mind as soon as you reed this, & resine yourself to the idee. i no it will hert your felings, but it wil soon be over. PEPPER is a-goin to kil hisself. His fren PODD wont never, never be a witnes ov his ageny, & ketch his last breth. His axcents must be waisted onto the desert air, & his i's wil never be cuverd with smal coins. o the hapines ov a-sayin Fairwel to Wo, & a-lookin for'ids to
Page 160 160 W alks in the Valley of Shadows. " 'A good time a-comin, Boys, onto the uther side ov Gordon!' But ive got a grait Were to finish-wich wont be under severil weeks (the saim as i aloodid to last summer wen i felt so gay & hapy). i am a-goin to dedecait it to you into 2 parts. the 1st i wil send soon. you air to kepe it al til you no i have deseized miself: after wich event you may egsersize your plesyour. amungst mi efex is severil smal pomes as i throo off bi od spels. if you ever colect mi wercs, they air to go in. Thers no use atryin to find me. ime invizzibel to the hewman Speshy; ime effectooally conseled by nothin. " 'ef i doant git time to rite to you 1's moar be4 i 'shovil up this mortel coal' (frum SHAIK.) talk this fur the last. PODD, i fele distres. i cant rite. Fairwel. "'frum your suferin but soon releved fren. " NK. N. PEPPER.' a 7-l~
Page 161 LAGER BIER LYRIC. TAKEN FROM THE LIPS OF AN IMPORTED COCKNEY. - 0------ ---- Sense and reason show the door, Call for my BIER, and point me to the dust. NIGHT THOUGHTS. LOVEL. How much, Sir, may a man with safety drink? JOHN. Sir, three half pints a day is reasonable; I care not if you never exceed that quantity. LAMB'S JOHN WOODVIL. -0--- YEN Hingland vos my dwelling-place, an' "boots's" vos my station, I thought our hale an' porter vos complete in hopperation; And not a Scotchman come to us but vos ableeged to hown, That vos the jolliest juice o' malt vich 'e 'ad hever knownThe jolliest hever known.
Page 162 162 Lager Bier Lyric. I couldn't think o' Halbion without a tear o' pride; An' ven the day vos finished, with my pewter by my side, In 'appiness I'd smoke my pipe, a stoppink for to quaff My liquor, vether it vos porter, hale, or 'alf-an'-'alfOr jolly 'alf-an'-'alf. And ven I vos aboard the ship, a-goink for to leave My native land so fur avay, I 'isted of my sleeve, An' finding of it vet with tears, I vent atween the decks, A-feelin' wery mis'able without my Double XMy jolly Double X. But ven I'd j'ined the stars and stripes, and dropped my haccent too, I found a German custom 'ere, as vos a little new; So now I takes my Lager Bier vith all the other fellers, And finds it hev'ry block or two in all the hoyster cellarsThe jolly hoyster cellars. They keeps this precious " Lager"' in the jolliest little kegs And all the more you drinks of it the more you keeps your pegs; Yun man 'ad drunk five gallons, and vos takin' of another, Ven, feelin' werry generous, he give it to his brotherHis dry and jolly brother. The Germans thinks the vorld of it, and vell the fellers may, For it is meat an' drink to 'em, and bed and clothes, they say
Page 163 Lager Bier Lyric. 163 And every child has Lager, too, it's fed to ev'ry babbyFor givin' of 'em milk would be to treat 'em rayther shabby-- Too jolly mean and shabby. The papers they'm hall full of it, heach jolly writer too; And many says hif you should give the inwentor vot's his due, You'd go and make a saint of him-a sort of Dutch re-Peter, To tell vot time our hale give in to somethink rayther better-- The Lager, vich is better. So, 'ere's my jolly Germans, vith their jolly yellow 'air; My spry and vitty Germans, hall so 'appy and so fair; And 'ere's the 'uman Blessing as ve prinsiply 'old dear: The jolly, jolly German, as inwented Lager BierThe jolly Lager Bier.
Page 164 ON THE CLAM. -0 -0 THOU queer creature-thou mixture of meat Sand drink, and miracle of oddity; thou that art neither " animal, vegetable, nor mineral:" in a word, BIVALVE!-look up, and behold thy champion! It was well thus to commence with an apostrophe to the genus. Let me now address myself to the species. Ineffable Clam!-But hold! what noise was that? Why this fearful tension? Startled Clam, allay your fears; for here no sacrificial knife is thirsting for your vitals. The mouth may " water," the inner man may " yearn "-but shall they be satisfied? The fatal steel is far, indeed, from these bloodless haunts; so are the "pepper and vinegar." In the
Page 165 On the Clam. 165 light of these encouraging facts, dear Clam, dismiss your agitation; silence your "," and be ca(l)m. What! harm thee, dear Clam, after this brief and interesting acquaintance? Rather than see thee injured, I would see dozens, yea, bushels of oysters swallowed, and feel no pity. Let us be friends, then; we are friends. There! I knew you would be open and frank with me. Now please be quiet till IShut again " Still suspicious." Too-sensitive Clam. But am I doing justice, either to the character of the Clam or of my own sentiments, by this untimely levity? Far from it; all Clam-dom shall bear me witness. It is impossible to contemplate these interesting objects without emotion-a watering of the eyes, and mouth. The genus Bivalve has many varieties, but in none other of these can we feel a tithe of the melancholy interest that attaches to the Clam. Spurned by his aristocratic relative, the oyster, and treated by humans with comparative indifference when both are subjects of contemplation, the Clam, by nature sensitive, feels his degradation deeply; and, although conscious of his many and decided
Page 166 166 On the Clam. merits, submits meekly to be misunderstood rnd undervalued, and even to have his modesty mistaken for an ignorant and stupid acquiescence. Injured bivalve! Thy delicate organization must needs suffer many rude shocks during thy brief but troubled existence. While thy mental sufferings are of a character and intensity known only to Clams, thy body, after enduring the buffetings of many a rude wave, and the jealous attacks of the injurious oyster, is almost certain to undergo violent torture and a cruel death at the hands of the genus Shomo." Inoffensive and long-suffering creature Is he responsible for the flavor of his flesh? we indignantly ask; must his amiable disposition change? Must he become proud and haughty like his cousin, the oyster? Must he sink his native dignity of character, and herd with his fellows, in schools, from a cowardly idea of safety? Must he leave his modesty and the mud together? The meanest and most pusillanimous Clam in existence would spurn the idea with an indignation approaching to anger, if Clams are capable of so gross a feeling. No; thanks to the native independence of his race, each Clam is
Page 167 On the Clam. 167 to himself a king, and to his foes an armed republic! To an equal he never yields; to a proven superior he submits with a graceful dignity. In times of peace the Clam is a philosopher; and, as far as possible, passes his even, quiet, and peaceful life in lofty meditation and the cultivation of the graces. How rational, how pleasing a life is this! Alas! that it should be perpetually disturbed by traditions of a ruthless foe in the upper world! Ah! could these prove but airy visions whose fabric were baseless! I Alas! that dread experience proves them but too true!-A dire calamity cuts short the meditations of genius. Into those classic haunts the rake descends; and the peaceful philosopher, feeling that resistance were worse than useless, drops a silent tear-which, were he an oyster, would turn to a pearl-and sighing a tender farewell to his native mud, with Stoical firmness rises to untried scenes in another element. These " untried scenes" are generally of a very harrowing description, and need not be enlarged upon-the single word knife suggesting as much horror as a kind-hearted person would care to have expressed in words. Even when he escapes
Page 168 168 On the Clam. this almost inevitable fate, it is only to die a more lingering and cruel death from exposure and neglect; in fact, he pines away. How melancholy, then, is the compliment to human nature when we say, " As happy as a Clam!" Happy! He is never happy, even at "high-tide." Even upon his calmest reveries will intrude the painful thought, the fatal certainty, of final separation from all he holds most dear. Happy! When a man is happy he mingles with his fellow men. But when he is wretched, does he not brood in silence over his woes, and cultivate retirement as his only solace? Tis thus, ah! yes-thus with the unhappy Clam! " Wrapped in the solitude of his own originality," and giving his genius play, he may for awhile forget his woes; so do disconsolate mortals. But happy! IName it not, even in a jest. Let us not wantonly trifle with feelings doubtless more keen and sensitive than our own. There is hope that for the Clam a brighter day is dawning. Already a sense of justice inclines the lover of bivalves to victimize the callous oyster rather than his tender cousin. The oyster is gay
Page 169 On the Clam. 169 because he has no fine feelings. He looks down upon the modest Clam, who does not care to enter his circle, and while rightly judging his thoughtful connexion unfitted for hollow amusement, he affects to despise while he really envies him. The oyster is light and trifling; the Clam, solid and practical. The latter may improve with time; the former must retrograde. If we must choose, then, let our cry be, "Death to the oyster!" The question has been asked: "Do oysters ever fall in love?" I must answer, rarely, if ever; Clams, always. The ordinary oyster is incapable of the sentiment. There can be no more melancholy subject for contemplation than that of a Clam that is the victim of hopeless love. What could sooner check the violence of mirth, and subdue us to a state of trembling commiseration, than the thought of a Clam in tears? But there, I touch a too tender chord. In the ardor of defence I have gone too far. If, in the absence of oysters, we are ever reduced to the melancholy necessity of dining off Clams, let us treat them gently: disengaging them quickly from the shell, and, without mangling, effecting an instant 8
Page 170 170 On the Clam. deglutition. Then let us invoke the Discontented Shade, and humbly ask forgiveness: pleading a dire necessity, and engaging to so regulate our taste for bivalves, and confirm our discrimination of the species, that we may come to look upon the CLAM as sacred,
Page 171 MR. PEPPER'S EIGHTH UPHEAVING. 0 -SEADER, how gladly would I spare thee every tear thou must shed over the woes of PEPPER I But the stern duty of the faithful chronicler must be done. Read MR. PODD'S affecting note: Demosthenes Four Corners, March 12, 1855. " MR. CLARK: EDITOR: " Sir: The Repository of the most wonderful Poem of modern times has the pleasure of transmitting it to you. It came last night, enveloped in Mystery. If that is too poetical an expression, allow me to substitute Brown Paper-which appeared to have been taken from a package of candles. "This will justify the expression. It is significant. No note or direction-explanation. Again significant. His name signed in his own Blood, which Skepticism would call red ink. Alas I significant A faint but perceptive odor of Lanterns. Significant I
Page 172 172 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. " Is it not wonderful? Was he ever equalled in Pathos by even Ancient Authors-as, for instance, GULLIVER? (And between ourselves, Sir, were the Poems of SOCRATES so remarkable as to forbid the rising Impulse to honor the Descriptive powers of PEPPER?) Sir, in Sickness he is Great. All of his Poems show it. He never alludes to sickness without affecting me to tears: in fact, I often feel sick myself. You will not fail to notice his great improvement in Penmanship. I think he has Practised. I know he has. If he did not spurn such things he would always spell as well as he writes. But what part of Genius is orthography? " If he has gone-oh! if he has!-and the thought is Madness-or at least unpleasant-let us be thankful that his Great Work is finished. It Lives! And Posterity will not (I am confident) willingly allow it to Decease! "From a surcharged heart. " Yours, P. PEPPER PODD." WEELBARER. INTO 2 PARTS: PART THE ITH. DEDECAIT TO P. PEPPER PODD BI THE AUTHER MR. K. N. PEPPER. ESQ. NOT that ime in eny thing ov a hurry, o muse, (its cumfertin to no youv got a muse,) Wood i adress Thee on the subjeck ov A large Pome. For varis is the oportoonitys ive giv Thee to wock up to the Captins ofis & their to settel or maik your frend a nofer;
Page 173 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. 173 But you hev slited al mi Overtoors. o is my preshus muse a-goin to leev & finelly be no moar herd ov enywers? Ken nothin worm her (at present) coald shoalder? Return & smile on PEPPER, O his muse I Remember hees desolved al pardnership With evry thing, & is a onhapy Berd as thincs ov flyin oanly a few days longer. cum & help smooth his delekit wite ploomig, & teech his poor vois oanly 1 moar song: So then he'll go in pese, & you may find consolashun in funerls & sech. (Now hevin be praisd-mi muse she is a-comim.) Go 4th & se the Yelow Berd so hapy I Go witnes Blu-Gay, a-spoartin in the son! A. se the Ant a-pilin up the dert sereen & smilin, likewais industris. Behoald the Elefant, a-floppin ov his eers, Mindles ov Driver wot pecs onto his hed. Sech wos ABNER. wOS he moar? he wos. His Faither followd chopin, & his Grand Muther wos religis. His oan muther onfortinetly dide from the effecks ov Sassig. as she wos pius wen she thus did di, she tooc her oanly son & frely sed:
Page 174 174 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. " ABNER, your muther is egspected up, & reely cant stay & talk of her things. ABNER, mi preshus-youm a oanly son, & ov coars your bruthers aint noomeris. Wot i say you ken at last depend on. mi prinsipel last werds is, Never Cus. Your Faither, ABNER, never did but l's, & he wos sic fur uperds ov 2 wekes." so ABNER cuicly swoar he woodent cus, & then she looct at him & the oald man: a-regrettin as the Sassig wos so harty: & a-sayin Good Bi, in a febel vois, Wos a-travelin Hoamerds in about 1 minnit. SABNER, shes gon i" the oald man then remarct, Bi way ov comfortin his wepin son: "so she is, Faither," the yung man replied; "she wos, a good un, ABNER," then he sed; "so she wos, Faither," the son sed agin: & then the oald man fel 1's moar to chopin. ABNER gest then hed tooc a gob ov weelin Dert frum a seller as a man wos digin. Being wel paid, & very stout hisself, He dident loos no time in bein onhappy. He felt gest like sum hefty Berd a-flyin, or wel-grode Ant a-bizzyin ov itself; Hede sing & wissel al the liv long day,
Page 175 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. 175 & oanly stop fur vittels & terbacker, or at a Pig to gerc a stun so playful. o Hapines I wot maid Thee up & leve? o Fait wy wos you so fixt that you coodent Help a 1's desewiin yung man cald ABNER? Alas I sech is Hewman Nater, i feer. Wen maid to go rite, wi shood it be pervers? As wi shood ABNER hev spile-t the pirrymid ov Blis bi a-settin ov it onto the cmal end? But so he did, in an onfortinet moment,As in the next Part we shel presently sho. PART THE 2TH. o MUSE, pervide a hankercher & weep I also, peraps it wil be rite to refews vittels & drinc as long as you ken stan it. Weer a-comin to the dare side ov the picter, Wair WO is roat in blac al round the fraim. Be cairful, muse, in a-roalin up the kertin, as it is maid ov Craip, & is cuite esy toar. o hev you seen the fond maternel Hen, With al ov her egs cmashed bi a roothles Fo? Hev you discuverd Egel, a-cumin down on wings ov Nite, becos hers wos shot of bi a shot-gun? & the astonished Dog Looc round with indignashun at his tale
Page 176 176 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. severd bi crule Boy be4 his i's? Wot Disapointment fur the helples Dog I Wot straing Dissatisfacshun fur the Egell Wot Wunder fur the long secloodid Hen I Al these hev felt the inflooens ov a chaing. (e-speshelly the onfortinet ca9 Dog.) Hen wos l's hapy-Egel wos-Dog wos Wair air thay now? at present Chaingd & gon ABNER WOS a-weelin. as a Berd wos ABNER; (Feelin, not weelin-as a Berd doant weel;) oft a-playin ov his oald gaim with the Pigs, & a-wisselin cairles, wen he dident sing, or a-thinkin ov Buty as wos fur away. But al to l's the hefty 'barer dropt, fur ABNER felt a tiresum fit cum on. Wos ABNER huffy? ime afeerd he wos, Becos the fit wos sudent, dnbenoanst-like. He set doun onto the 'barer with a gerk, & in a ninstan keched onto a nail & toar his pans a gash wich say 3 inches. Wos thay a Nevil Spirit a-hangin round About that time, with nothin fur to do? Wos this the Evil Our? Wos Perteckshun Gon frum mortels fur about I minit? no matter, now, wot wos gon: ABNER CUSSEDI
Page 177 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. 177 there wos comoshun amungst things direcly: the Hevins shoad simtoms ov a-turnin blac: the winds wos evidently a-prepairing fur to houl: erth giv a oder like rotten pertaters; & wot wos wunderful-WEELBARER GROAND I Evry thing seemd to be a-waitin fur sumthing. About that time, it seems, sumthing cum: WEELBARER SPOAK! (Bi the way, ABNER Wos a-felin dredful, as you mite supoas, & altho he wonted to git up, he coodent.) " ABNER I" sed the stern Weelbarer, "ABNER I Youm aweer as youv ben a-Cussin, ABNER: You swoar to your oald mother how you woodent, & now you'll see L, ABNER, perty cuic." so then it riz & pitched him of ov the trac: & the Hevins, as hed ben kindly a-waitin, Dide blac imejitly, & the winds roard cuite savig fur sech short notis. Raither displeesd With the aspec things wos a-wairin jes then, He keched his breth, & put fur sumers els. But Egsersize ov runnin spiles the cistim, onles you feel like a-goin..So, as these onpleasant sercumstansis follered ABNER, He dident engoy the goak. He felt insultid; His felings hed ben teched with a rood hand: Besides, it hert wair he strue frum the 'barer, 8*
Page 178 178 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. & he wosent wel hisself. He hed setteld into a nesy trot fur severil mild, a-beginnin fur to hoap fur plesenter wether; Wen SCUEKEI SCUEKE! SCUEKE! he hears a sound behind Like a immens WEELBARER a-comin awful I o ABNER, fli & to your speed ad. ings (frum MILTON.) No need to tel him, fur the cus did fli. He cairn soon to a River, (bangs wos hi,) & a-thinkin it mite be Gordon, wos afeerd. a littel sercumstans confermed his suspishins. He heerd the SCUEKE, & a awful rumblin sound, & afoar bein cuite prepaired, wos buct in. this wos a noo cos for Dissatisfacshun; So he swum acros the rifs cuite angry-like, But got out so refresht that he maid 2:40 With a ese unparaleld, considerin the straingness ov the kedentry. (al this wile the furis wind kep up 1 awful shrik, a-displayin abillity ov no common order; Darcnes wos a-perspirin ov blac inc; & the elemens generally wos onfrenly.) Soon anuther unplesent thing cum up. ABNER SMELT FIRE! & a-lookin al around Saw into the frunt (gest rescuin ov hisslf,) a HOAL I it smoakd sum, & hed a fire down in I He smelt Brimstun l's in a wile! He heerd
Page 179 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving, Groanin1 He heerd Cussin! He heerd Fites! He wos a-thinkin ov a-goin away kind ov cairles, Wen a awful deep vois sed-PIcH IN, ABNER I He heerd a rumblin! WEELBARER caim up & goind into the entrety I Go IN, ABNER, It sed, astonisht at his hangin of: & then, cuite axidentel, run agin him. He saw the mistaik wos a-goin to proov faitel, So he braist hisself, & giv a shrik as left the furis Wind seclooded into Ekos; & a-felin sertin as a nuther oath Woodent be ap fur to increas the expens, He indulged hisself as he wos a-goin doun. n. b. let us heap the last Cus wosent notist in the confuzion. MORL IS OBYIS. 179
Page 180 AN ADVENTURE IN THE DARK. (CALCULATED FOR THE MERIDIAN OF SEVERAL SMALL PLACES.) -0---- TUESDAY, August 18. M R. EDITOR:-There is not a quieter person in the village than I am: I rarely have an adventure, and do not often have the good fortune to be astonished into a new sensation. When I am thus favored,--when I really do have an adventure,-why, all my friends are pretty sure to hear of it, sooner or later. Last nightIt is really a wonder I have so commanded myselfI Perhaps you'll not believe me, but actually I have not told a single person (nor any married ones); having determined to be strictly impartial, and tell every body at once.
Page 181 An Adventure in the Dark. 181 Last night-- I am afraid people will not credit so strange a recital: it is rare, nowadays, to find any one who has seen the - but stop! let me not anticipate. Last nightI am half a mind, now, to keep it to myself. Yes -no, people will call it an idle tale: yes, I will tell it. It may do some good; at any rate it will be a relief to me. Last night I had occasion to visit the upper part of the town, and was going up the side-walk, in the direction of a certain liberty-pole. It was quite dark, and the hour was late; so I was obliged to proceed with some caution. Notwithstanding every care, I ran against a post in front of the Doctor's office, and received such a shock as I don't care to experience again very soon. A little farther on, I damaged myself by a full length contact with the fence, in my anxiety to avoid posts, and then concluded to avail myself of the guidance it afforded. At the corner by the pole, I had taken my bearings, and was about to strike out for the fence on the next corner, when a shrill, though faint feminine voice called out, as though from a distance:
Page 182 182 An Adventure in the Dark. " Hallo-o-o-o I" I judged, from the tone, that the possessor of the voice was not so much in immediate danger, as in some sort of predicament, in the extrication from which she required aid; but I had not the slightest idea what direction I should take. "Hallo 1" I shouted, in return. " Hallo-o-o-o!" again came from the distance. "All right, it's up the street," I muttered, starting on. I soon discovered I was mistaken. " Don't go-I am up he-e-e-re 1" As true as I am writing here, Mr. Editor, it came from the top of the liberty-pole! " What the d-- 1 are you abo-o-o-ut?" I sang out, at the top of my lungs. (I am always a little profane when excited.) " Come up and I'll te-e-e-ell you 1" replied the oddly-situated female. Rather provoked that she had not sense enough to come down, instead of inviting me up to break down with her-yet determined not to yell again, for obvi ous reasons-I commenced the ascent. I reached the " cross-trees " with some difficulty, but to my surprise found no one there.
Page 183 An Adventure in the Dark. 183 "Hallo I" I barked, a little angrily " Oh I how you frightened me I" said the femaleapparently about twenty feet higher up. "1Don't say another word," she went on, - and you shall soon know why I am here." " How do you stick there?" I asked. "Oh I I can't tell," she said, " it astonishes me, too. But I must hurry and tell you why I came here. I've been here at least two hours. I was going by that empty house on the corner, when I thought I saw a light shining under the door. 'Something going on here,' I said to myself; 'this must be looked into.' So I mounted the steps, and had just got my eye well to the key-hole, when the door flew open, and two horrible-looking objects, in black, seized me and ran through to the cellar door. A sort of bluish flame was coming up the stairs, and with it a smell of sulphur that almost choked me. Notwithstanding my shrieks and struggles, they hurried me down, and left me, half dead, on the ground or pavement of the cellar. When I had a little come to myself, I saw that the sulphurous flame came from a large, circular opening in the ground, by the side of which sat a being who I at once knew must be the d-- 1! 0 1 I can't
Page 184 184 An Adventure in the Dark. describe him! To use a common phrase-' he must be seen to be appreciated.' Black, diabolical, terrible, -he seemed to chain me where I stood, by the very magic of his awful eye.! ' Ha! ha! old woman!' said he, ' have I caught you at last?-I don't know what to do with you, now I've got you. You'll set all my dominions by the ears, if I take you with me. Although you've done me an immense amount of good in this village, I can't make up my mind to think of you as you deserve. I positively can't keep from despising you.' " " Rather complimentary, from him /" I remarked. " Awful,-awfu /" she replied;-" but don't interrupt me. 'Old woman!' said he, ' you can't see me, by day-light; but many a Sunday morning have I sat on the steps of those temples, in which I am so abused, in order to observe the people as they come in. You should see me skip nimbly aside, at times, to avoid being trampled on; you should see me follow in some old fool who is soon to become my prey,some sanctimonious hypocrite, grown grey in his whining habits of mock piety,-who has almost included himself in the list of converts to the belief in
Page 185 An Adventure in the Dark. 183 his holiness. At the church up there on the hill, I have been better pleased at one thing, than I have been in all my travels-pretty extensive, too, they have been. Not even in the larger cities, like New York, is spiritual snobbishness carried farther. They come in so late, sometimes, I can't contain myself, but skip about those ample steps for joy; I climb the lightning-rod, and tap softly on the bell, in mockery of their tardiness.-That's reverence, is it?that's Christian regard for propriety, and the feelings of your fellow Christians? Aha! were it not for Fashion, and especially for the respect which those pay her who can't even claim acquaintance with her, I think I should despair of quite a large portion of your fellow creatures. (For the real truth is-it is not the fashion, except in some out-of-theway place like this, to be late at church.)-But1 forget myself. I shall try and like you, old woman. It does me good to think of all you're doing for me here. The bickerings, jealousies, and general ill-feelings you create, incite, or circulate,-the mighty mountains you continually make of mole-hills-that kind of service saves me a world of trouble. There!
Page 186 186 An Adventure in the Dark. I have bored you long enough. You will stand by me, won't you?"-What could I do but promise him? I would have done any thing to get away from that horrid place. He let me go. Before I reached the top of the stairs I looked behind, such was my curiosity, and he had vanished; the ground was closed up, and all was smooth as before. Yet such was my fright and agitation, I rushed out, and, for safety, scarcely knowing what I did, climbed this pole, on which I have hung ever since." "Got through, have you?" said I. "Yes," she replied, "and I'd thank you, now, to take me from this horrid pole." "Who are you?" I asked. "I would prefer not to tell you, till you have helped me down; for I'm afraid my name will prejudice you against me. I may say that I have long resided here-as I find many congenial spirits, and am heartily welcomed to half the homes in town." "I ought to know you," I remarked, " for youi voice is familiar enough; but I really don't recog. nise you, and I am resolved not to assist you till
Page 187 An Adventure in the Dark. 187 you make yourself known." I was thus severe, because, from all she had said, I was a little suspicious of her. "Oh! well," she said, with forced resignation, "if you oblige me, of course I must tell; for if you leave me here, I shall die-and I have many friends in this village who will weep for me. I belong, sir, to a numerous family, mostly daughters. My family name (it is one of great antiquity) is Gossip. I am sometimes called Innuendo (a pretty name, I think), and sometimes, Sneer; but my proper title is Scandal. I -" "You needn't go any further," said I; " and you won't, if I can help it. Good night, Miss, and pleasant dreams." With that, I descended, unheeding the dismal howling of the hag (or the assurance that she had something interesting to communicate), and stumbled along home-having run into five trees, two posts, and an old cow, besides filling my hands with slivers from the fence. Whether the "old woman" finally got down of herself, or was blown away in the night, I know not. She wasn't there this morning, and I discovered no
Page 188 188 An Adventure in the Dark. "mangled remains" at the foot of the pole. I'll bet you a year's subscription she is alive and well, and has made twenty calls since daylight. Your fatigued friend, BORED-TO-DEATH, Chief of the Own-no-doggies. ^X^^, f0 PAY~IIYa^s
Page 189 MR. PEPPER'S ASTONISHING NINTH, -0----- " Our noble Prince is found! Let the woods with joy resound."-CINDERELLA. RooM there for Mr. PODD! DEMOSTHENES FOUR CORNERS, May 16. ~4 R. CLARK, EDITOR.-SIR: Although the emotion of joy is yet agitating this mortal Frame, I can at least compose myself sufficiently to inform you that the immortal Poet still lives! My despairing search after the Body was changed into a joyful discovery of the Soul, still in connexion with that body. Just as I was giving up the search in despair, I found him reclining upon the summit of a Shed, in the attitude in which he composed that most affecting of Poems, the ' Address to a Bird on the Fence.' His eyes were closed: Genus was sleeping. Having with some difficulty attained the elevation alluded to, I Joggled him. Over the next ten minutes, with your permission, I will drop a veil. * * * * *
Page 190 19o Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth. "Sir: He has suffered. He is now at my home, slowly recovering from the exhaustion and Misery, which he assures me always follow a Great Effort. "He has even ventured upon another Poem, in which we discover strong traces of his master Hand. I am confident no other Poet-certainly no mere Philosopher-could so clearly explain his subject, and at the same time bathe it so effectually in the Eternal Waters of Genus. The Arcana of Nature are mere trifles to an Intellect like his. " I never shall forget the answer he once gave to the Proposition of a shallow wise Acre. It was so philosophic and so Just. The intelligent Acre said he had no doubt that in digging towards the centre of the Earth, we get warmer as we go down. To which Genus (with a face like STEPHENSES) answered, like an Oracle: ' What makes water the coldest in deep wells? ' "But my feelings have carried me too far. I could write on this Theme (I think) a week-having, at stated times, a Meal and a few hours' sleep. "I send the Poem alluded to, warm from PEPPER'S Brain. "With consideration, Sir, Yours, "P. PEPPER PODD." Mr. CLARK received that Poem. What did he say-what could he have said of it but this:"We thought so I When we saw the moon in eclipse pale her ineffectual light in the still mirror of the Tappain-Zee, we
Page 191 Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth. 191 said, 'in'erdly,' Surely, surely PEPPER is looking at that phenomena ' We were right; for here is the proof of it. And what a perfect thing it is, in its way l-what a Torso of a glorious statue of Genus! " EKLIPS. "BEHOALD the moon, diminisht into nothinl At l's hese chect, his brite career cut of. l's he wos rejoicin that he wos abel to afoard sech a good artikel ov lite, He bein smal & not yet got his groath. But the praises as wos lavisht onto him Hed the efect fur to onsettel his mind. He thougt ov his rivels as wos gellus, & wos afraid hede git hert; or wots wers to a sensitiv loominery-squencht. " His wers feers, alas! air sadly realizd. Altho he wood shine, yet we se he cant: in consekens ov a peculer arraingment Al ov his eforts doant doo no good. Wi did Erth Step in so furis, & elbo of ov the trac The sweet moon as hed delited thousans? Wi? did i say wi? i sed wi. Evidently becos he wos a-burnin too much ile. He wos a-exertin ov hisself in a onnateral maner. Cood he expec to shine so alus? Dident Erth no it? Dus Erth no eny thing?
Page 192 192 Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth. Hes he administerd a chec onto the occaishun? Wi did the clowds cum up & compleet the seen? Wi? Becos al nacher simpathizes. They regelates each uther. Wen 1 goas it too fast fur his helth, thay al resun with him,1st mild; & ef that doant doo no good, then raither stronger, as we se. its supoasd that 2 or 3 sech corecshuns in a year is al as keeps him frum a-maikin a fool ov hisself. " But mi muse she is a-levin. Shese afeerd to trust her PEPPER sens the Grait Pome. i expec it wos raither hard on her, Gugin frum mi oan melancolly sitooashun, Wich is Bad. alas! like unfortoonat Moon, the Pote wos too cairles in the yuse ov his ile. His firewercs wos fine, but too egspensiv: So Nacher steps in, noes Genus concaiv, & he is presently a agerwaited Hewman Eklips cv the wers kind. sech is the misfortoons ov Genus."
Page 193 PHARAOH: A TALE OF BRICKS. -0 -T HERE unhappily exists a widely-extended preju. dice against Pharaoh. He is charged with having hindered the children of Israel from leaving their lodgings in Egypt on the first of May, thus forcing them, by construction, to stay another year. But how he can have incurred this charge, I cannot conceive, when it is well known that this good king would not lay a straw in their way. True, we are told, and believe, that he refused to let them go: but all hard feelings must melt away when it is known that he was here playing the part of the philanthropist, if the date of the transaction would hardly let him play the Christian. 9
Page 194 194 Pharaoh. There is a game with cards called Poker, easily to be learned, but wonderfully fascinating to those who engage in the practice of it. This enticing game was indulged in to a frightful excess by the younger and even the older Israelites of that day. It is well known that amongst the phraseology peculiar to that game, is found the word ' Go,' which, perverted from its integrity, means to stay, and stake more money. Now these youthful but sadly profligate Hebrews did nothing, in their leisure hours, but play at poker; and the suburbs of the city, in which they principally resided, would at those times ring with the technical chanting: " I'll GO you three pieces better 1" " I'll Go you six pieces better!" etc., etc., the sound of which discordant tumult would often reach the ears of the king in his royal palace. Filled with solicitude for the welfare of his beloved people, the good and generous Pharaoh questioned with his prime minister in regard to the best means of suppressing the game, and preventing the ruin of his subjects, speaking as follows:-" I don't want to say, Children of Israel, d-n you, you must stop playing Poker! for that would perhaps hurt their feelings, and indeed might end in hurting mirne, which you are well aware are
Page 195 Pharaoh. 195 very tender. What are you forward enough to ad. vise?" Upon which the prime minister bowed three times to the ground, each time casting a little dirt on his head (which, having watched his opportunity, he took occasion to wipe carefully off on the skirt of the king's robe), and went on in the following tiresome manner: "Your Royal Highness is aware that your Royal Highness could put an end to those pernicious practices among a portion of your Royal Highness's subjects- " " Stop there!" cried the king, with some irritation; "don't 'Royal Highness' me so much: it's annoying!" "Very well, your Royal--" " D-n you!" shouted the now enraged king, " I'll have you drowned in my fish-pond if you say that word again!" "As your Majesty pleases," said the compliant minister. "As I was going on to say, when your Majesty cursed me-" "Nor 'Majesty' either," interrupted Pharaoh, getting a little unreasonable, which is so very odd in a king. "Well, Sir-you old fool--
Page 196 196 Pharaoh. "There, now-go on," said the pacified Monarch. "I think," pursued the minister, "I think- " "First I've heard of it," said Pharaoh. " It's so!" said the minister, being the first recorded use of that now common expression, of which he was undoubtedly the originator. " Or at least I was thinking," pursued the conscientious minister. " Oh!" was the laconic interjection of the king. " I was thinking you might give out that there was one word in the Egyptian language, to hear which always afflicts you with a species of moral insanity, and- " "What the d-1 is that?" cried the profane but otherwise exemplary king. " Oh! it's something you'll hear enough of, if you live long enough 1" which was literally true. "Well, go on," said the impatient potentate. "You therefore decree that the obnoxious word shall be no longer used-that word being 'GO.' Now, if you rob a game- " " Ketch me!" chuckled Pharaoh, using a popular phrase of the day. " I ain't like the common run of kings: I don't rob. I 'take' though."
Page 197 Pharaoh. 197 "So do I," added the minister. "I was going to say if you take from a game its technical phrases, you destroy it. Think of it, old boyI the abolition of one little word, of two letters, will save the twelve tribes of Israel from damnation!" "Eloquent, saucy, and correct," said the king. So the edict was issued: and unjust history records, without comment, that Pharaoh would not let the children of Israel GO I True, those unfortunate children "didn't like it much," as some of them remarked at the time; it was not in human nature for them to like it. But, at the same moment, they could not justly attach much blame to Pharaoh. Their feelings are perhaps significantly expressed in the following couplet, which, at jovial meetings of the grand-children of Israel, was wont to be given as a toast, and drunk with groans, and other more antique demonstrations of disapproval: "LET the toast ne'er vary, 0, ' Insanity' to Pharaoh I" in which amusing lines many affirm to discover only a playful allusion to the innocent ruse of the king.
Page 198 198 Pharaoh. Many other things might be mentioned of our hero; as, for instance, his having given its name to the neighboring sea, from a bright expression of his little son, then just three years, ten months, and nine days old; who, being taken for the first time near the water, thought he detected a vermilionish shade in it, and in his laconic way cried out: " Red! See!" But Pharaoh was not one to be talked about like any common man. We are apt to insult the shades of great men by "letting on" all we know about them. This is wrong. One other little incident may be mentioned, which, as it wound up Pharaoh, may serve to wind up this sketch of him. Pharaoh, it is well known, was drowned one fine winter, while skating on the Red Sea. He was following Moses, who had "dared" him; but being a much "heftier man than what Moses was," unfortunately "went under " at a thin place, at the same going over Jordan; which (what with his skates, etc.) we may imagine to have been rather "a hard road to travel " than otherwise, particularly as that river was not yet frozen over. It is related that Moses went on, unconsciously, for a dozen miles or more, and then,
Page 199 Pharaoh. 199 thinking it was "mighty still behind," turns around, and finding a reason for it, says: "Where's Pharaoh?" We may fancy the inimitable sly humor which Moses threw into this remark, as he undoubtedly fancied he had "distanced him," and knew well enough where he was. He had " rather left him." Pharaoh was a good man. Let him requiescat if he wants to, selecting for the locality, C, or any other convenient Red letter of the alphabet.
Page 200 DECEMBER IN THE COUNTRY. --o---- THESE falling flakes, which fill the streetWith mud, Cover yon cow, which slowly chews Its cud, With such a coat!-so white, and neat IIn spite of this defence against the dews She must feel cold. She's old: You see it in the horn. That monstrous pigSo big And dirty it can well adorn " No place like home "Trots forward in its known, invisible trail, (How that deep grunt its fat sides shook 1) And sways its tail In agony.
Page 201 December in the Country. You see How shivering bipeds look, And walk, And talk: And how they swear I Good gracious! Bob-see there Mud two feet deep! What's in it? Let's take a peep: I've seen it I What news? Two overshoes I 201 9g
Page 202 MR. PEPPER'S THRILLING LETTER FROM NEW YORK. -0------ THE thinness of the poet having become excessive, and, to the affectionate PODD, alarming, that gentleman reasoned with himself, and finally and munificently concluded to send him to New York, for a change of air; hoping that he would return with health, both of body and mind. Soon after his arrival, he wrote to his benefactor the following letter, giving an account of his varied adventures: "ST. NICKOLAS HOus, New York, Oct., 1855. " FREN PODD: "DEER FELLER: Hevin got setteld into mi new corters, i imejitly remember mi oald reverens & Aw fur your karicter, wich is simular to WASHINoTONS oanly you haint hed no chans to. fite & develup your talens. Youm a partickelerly mute
Page 203 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. 203 HAM DONE & a raither ingloris MILTON (wich tribyout plees acsept in remembrens ov me.) " altho we New Yorkers doant thine nothin ov it, praps a breef discripshun ov this sity wood be interestin & instrucktiv 2 a kedentry feller like you. New York is comprised onto a iland wich is sevral mild long & raither less brod. the prinsipel road is Brodway, besides wich their is as* much as 19 or 20 uthers, be the saim moar or less. in varis plaisis is a liburty Poal, oald with aig. this is al i ken thinc ov now. so ile giv you discripshun ov mi adventers sens i left your hospital Manshun. "It wos al rite onto the boat. dident you notis how the Captins i's sparkeld wen you introdoost me? So thay did al the way down. he wos a-complainin ov soar i's wen we got heer. he giv me the 1st chop ov everything, & i dident hev to pay a red sent. I heerd a lady wisper 'hoos that distingish furrin lookin individooal, a lenin so graisfully onto his elbo?' wen she found out, she coodent help fallin into luv imejitly. but as i discuverd her faither wos oanly a aldurman, i very properly looct coald onto her. (besides, how cood i furgit HANAH GANE!) wen i wos a-comin of ov the boat, the yung lady stood thayr with her frens, & sed, 'heer cums the redhaird foo-foo agin!' wich wos verry kind ov her, as ime alus angshus to be noan. frum the 'red hair,' & not noin wot 'foofoo' ment, I thougt at 1st she wos mad a littel; but a yung man wich i saw afterwerds sed 'foo-foo' ment 'german Barren,' & that the germans (espeshelly the Barrens) wairs red hair out ov
Page 204 204 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. chois. how strong is womans afeckshun! she doant chaing fut nothin. "How they pull a feller onto the docks! wen i got of, sum littel Bois cumd a-runnin up, & sed al to l's-'cary your carpit-bag, mister!'-techt bi sech kindnes, i wos a-givin ov it to 1 ov em wen a nuther 1 sed-' ile cary it fur 5 sents;' 1 moar yeld, with tears intohis i's, '4 sents,' & so thay kep a-goin down, a-hunchin ov ech uther, til 1 sed, 'ile cary it fur nothin,' & as i coodent wait fur em to git to payin me fur the chans, i let the last boy hev it, fur wich privelig he seemd moar thankful than i wos to git it dun so cheep. as i wos a-goin to Nickerbocker Offis 1st, i askt a man with a wip wair Brodway wos, & he sed '4 mild further on,' & askt me ef 'ide hev a carrig-oanly a doler.' noin i coodent afoard it, i toald him i wos fond ov wockin, wich he sed it wos cuite lucky i wos. after goin 3 or 4 blocs i cumd to a nice wide road & a L ov a nois. i askt a man wot it wos cald, wich looct at me a spel as ef struc with Astonishmeant, & sed-' wair did you cum frum, greny? that's Brodway'-& then i noo the man with the wip hed ben a-lyin. i wos a-goin bac to lie him, but thougt i woodent. " wen ide got up a littel ways i met a wel drest yung man wich looct egzackly as i looc into a glass: it wos gest as ef a man wocks out & sees hisself a-comin along. i cood se Genus into his i. he notist i wos a-lookin at him, so he cumd up & sed he thougt he noo me. wen i toald him hoo i wos he went into rapchers, & sed he admird me so much he didnt no as hede be abel to expres hisself. he oferd to show me sum sites,
Page 205 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. 205 so we went along together. we soon cum to a plais dug out in the side wock wair thay wos a-buildin a cuppel ov uvens-hke. he sed wede hev wor soon, & them wos to put Bums in, to blo up the British & French. he sed evry hous hed 1 or 2, reddy to tech of. wot a awful plais fur a horstil Army! i thine i heer somethin go of now-& se about 1000 evacuatin ov the sity. i thine i se a hul Army fall bac d i thine i heer em cus / & then i thine i doant. "Perty soon we cum to a corner, wen mi fren remarct that a man wonted to se him, a few doars down this street, & toald me to wait fur him. i ges likely he found his fren, fur i waitid so long that foalks toald me to moov on, or els git mi feet out ov the way; boath ov wich i finelly did. wen i got to 348 i found i hed to cros the road, & bi giminy I how the drivers swoar at me I i cum purty neer gittin run over, too, also ov afallin down & a-gittin mi pans derty. wen the Boy giv me mi carpit-bag, wot wos mi serpris to hev him put out his hand & say -cum, mister, hand over that shad-scail! ' Sech lyin ' i wos so astonisht i stood putrifide to the spot. i raisd mi bag to strike at him, wen he run of, observin-'peraps i dident se no boddy ahandlin ov your oald silver watch nor nothin /'-wich alas I PODD, wosent no goak. it wos gone! i went up stairs with a hevy Hart, & a teer into mi i. " wen MR. HEWSTON discuverd hoo wos his visiter, he manifest deep emoshun; & a-smoothin ov his gray & wite Baird, sed'this is the prowdest moment ov mi life!' wich i thougt cuite likly. a yung man cald SLY fel onto his nee, & gaisd at me with
Page 206 206 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. speechles addorashun. 'SLY,' sed MR. HEWSTON, 'we woant were no moar to-day. MR. PEPPER, air you fond ov Appel?' wen i replide i wos, he toald MR. SLY to go out & git me 1: wich roas & went. i found how rite wos his naim, wen he cair bac. the Appel hed a peese bit out. wen i remarct onto the goodnes ov proffidens in a-maikin ov the Appel, he sed Appel wos good. then he sed the Publishers Assosiashun, hevin herd i wos a-comin, wantid me to oner the cristel Palis with mi presens at a Feast ov Authers, amungst wich i stood so elevatid. 'thayr,' sed he, 'you'll git lots ov the produckshuns ov the Orcherd,' ef you doant git nothin els;' wich las part he spoak into a meloncolly toan, as i afterwerds discuverd he hed resun for. he now giv me a wite card, about 2 foot wide, with 'G. P. P.' roat onto it in ritin, wich evidenly ment-Giv Pepper Plais. eny ways i no it hed that effect. " wile i wos a-settin thayr, hoo shood cum in but MR. CLARK. he noo me bi instinc, imejitly, & in a Profetic vois sed-' i noo as how Graitnes wos heer! & now how doo you find yourself, o yooth?'-to wich i replide into mi usooal graisful stile; after wich we went down & hed Clamb onto the - shel. He sed i must go hoam with him, up the river, & inhail the patriotic air ov WASHINGTON'S Hed is, & JOHN ANDERSON'S gallus. no sooner sed than dun. at 3 p. m., wich wos a few ours after, we startid; & into a incredibel short spais ov time we glided oar the lower part ov the Hudson, & found ourselves - way up a hill in Piermont, a-standin be4 a Butiful cottig, & a-engoyin a splendid vew ov the river, conseeld bi fo'. i aint got time, & it woodent be
Page 207 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. 207 fair te tell al about wot i saw, & did, & herd, & thougt, &c., but ile oanly remarc, that thay wos so kind it seemd as ef i wos bac to mi deer fren PODD'S agin! 1 thing as hapend next day efectid me to teers. wile we wos to dinner, in cum MR. N(wich is a fine man) with 3 red peppers, maid into a bokay, wich he sed his wife sent fur a triboot to Genus. MR. CLARK got up & maid a Butiful speech, a-presentin ov em to me, & sot down 1's moar to his Lam. i tooc the triboot with emoshun, & wen i roas to respon, mi teers run so, i coodent. i never wos so afectid into mi life-& i hoap i never shel be agin, at leest not into the saim way. mi apetite was compleetly spile't. *' i thine i must rite about seein the Relicts ov the Revolooshun sum futer time: but i cant help spekin ov MR. FOLGER, the gentelmanly oaner & proprieter ov the '76th Hous.' ef his i shood pirseeve this, may it lite onto it with plesoor & a smil: his wifes i also. "i am a-stoppin now at St. NICKOLAS Hous, becos it sounds so much like NICKERBOCKER. How different frum mi littel Hous afruntin onto the Laik!' altho i git the werth ov mi munny, i shant hev no munny to git the werth ov, ef i stay heer much longer: i shel hev to looc fur a hoam kep bi sum Benevolen femail, wot gives you cheep vittels. "i went up to cristle Palis amungst the uther authers, & hed a golly time. severil ov em sed how thay coodent thine ov ritin eny moar boocs, now ide commenst. MR. BRIANT (a pote) with a wite Baird, sed mi stile wos a long shot ahed ov hissen. he confest mi ' Grek Slaiv' cuite noct the spots of ov his Tanny
Page 208 208 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. topsy.' he sed, oald as he wos he ment to beet me yet: but he ca-a-a-nt, you se; no youst a-tryin. no dout he'll conclood to stic to his Poast, like a sensibel man, & not tri to fli like Egul. " WASHINGTON IRVING shed teers wen he se me. he sed 1 reminded nim ov somnolent Jo, in Pickwic. (wots that, i wunder?) not to sho mi ignorens, i sed-' so a grait menny hev toald me;' wich seemd to pleese him. he sed he wisht he cood go out & drine with me, but he supoasd hede hov to stay thayr, & droun hisself in the Aquis Elemen. * rulu Appel their. Appel wos good. 1 long-windid feller, at '. onm a pair ov tin Lungs maid (as i am creditably informd)- --- -but i must stop. ila tel you moar in mi next. "Yours wile the Vito, Spare continoos to shine, "K. N. PEPPvu " To P. PEPPER PODD, EsQ., "Demosthenes: 4. C." ^iC14
Page 209 TO VENUS. -0 -IT having been remarked, in the presence of Miss I,that "1WEAN-us" was probably the evil star of infants, the justly indignant lady felt it incumbent on her to issue a Vermillion Edict, commanding from the perpetrator of the unfeeling "joke," a Poem and retraction, on pain of perpetual banishment from her presence. Hastily seizing a pencil, the unfortunate youth commenced the following lines, just as the clock was striking seven: MOST lady-like and admirable VENUS! I call upon those worthy "1coves" of oldThat fifer, Pan, and his rare chum, Silen-is, To aid me in a liquid measure, bold; And I'm resolved the Afflatus sha'n't get cold Till we have hatched a poem up, between us. 4&nd let "1same angel guide my pencil;" (stamped
Page 210 210 To Venus.. "'BROOKMAN and LANODON: No. 2:') I'm cramped, But not for thoughts-only for skill to word 'em, They're all mixed up: his Majesty has stirred 'em. These lines I pen for you; and if I've blurred 'em Please to remark: " reductio ad absurdum." I know it seems invidious to select, To other stars-who can " shine," for they prove it; But they forget, Ma'am, the profound respect I feel for you, and what there is to move it.. For though you "1cast reflections," as they say, And borrow splendor from old Father Sun, I'm sure the old man gladly lends a ray Or two, to such as you;-and, now I'm on The subject, I may say, in all affection, That you, without this much abused "reflection," Would not be nbticed; even your connexion With some "First Families" we~re no protection. We're pleased with all your habits, Madame Venus, And only laugh at this vague Stellar charge. We "view" you, oft;-perhaps you may have seen us, With "1naked eye" or telescope so large (How small we must look through the other end!1) Admiring your proportions by the hour. We think a deal of you, celestial friend, And learn to like your odd displays of power.
Page 211 To Venus. 211 When you "get up," you are our " Morning Star": And when you don't, our " Evening Star" you are. But, pardon me: I'm too familiar quite; Allow me one verse more-and then, good night. Pale Goddess I-Empress of the starry host I Thy gaze serene, it hath a wondrous power: I dream at times thou hast a soul, almost, Thy beam doth so ensanctify the hour. And now, thou star, I could a pman raise, In measure grand, triumphant in its praise! Sweet monitor: so, when I'm lost in sleep, Thy cold, pure beams upon my senses creep: I deem them rays, tinctured with love and truth, Strayed from the altar of immortal youth; They flood my soul with rapturous dreams of bliss, And seal each vision with a shadowy kiss.
Page 212 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. BY A QUONDAM EDITOR. -0-- THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT. W ILHELMINA ERNESTINA.-Will the Editor of the Prime Mover tell me what is to be done with a silly fellow, who lives opposite us, and does notlhing, all day, but sit in his window and stare at me and my sisters? Is there no way of stopping his impertinence? A way-and an effectual one-occurs to us at once. Let the sisters persuade their father to remove to some other quarter of the city, without letting the young man know the new locality. It must be a serious annoyance to our fair (she must be fair) correspondent, and her (perhaps) equally fair sisters, to be bored throughout the whole of every day, in the manner
Page 213 Answers to Correspondents. 213 described. We presume the young man is the son of wealthy parents; that he has discovered the secret of living without food or exercise, and that news and knowledge come to him by intuition. We judge this from the described inveteracy of the youth's habits. We have not the right to suggest that Wilhelmina Ernestina and her sisters may look through some others of the (no doubt) numerous windows in their house, or else for a few days absent themselves from their accustomed and (it seems) habitual seats-that the enamored youth may either die of grief, or get the impression that they have gone to the country, and so go to the country too. We say we have not the right to make the above suggestions, because we fancy it would be impertinent. The sisters have doubtless long ago discovered and rejected all our plans in turn, except, we think, the first-of which we take new occasion to remind them. Were we of a violent temper, "sudden and quick in quarrel," and much more to the same effect, we should perhaps have advised our correspondent to procure the assassination of the offender, or resort to some dreadful display of vengeance more condign and signal. Doubtless the pulling-out of his nails with red hot pincers, would very
Page 214 214 Answers to Correspondents. soon have occurred to us as extremely suitable-but perhaps not, on the whole, so significant as searing his eyeballs with a fiery instrument prepared for that purpose. But we are naturally phlegmatic, and are now very cool; consequently we do not think a resort to these extreme measures quite the thing, however just or beautiful in idea. We cling to our first suggestion; with a last reference to which, we take our leave of the ladies-not forgetting our best bow and simper. FITZ JAMES FITZ JAMES.-I am an idler, for it is my disposition-my nature, to be lazy. My excuse is, I can afford to be the drone I have described; and, furthermore, I have an " aim in life," notwithstanding. I am an observer of men (and women) and manners. I am a philosopher; I intend to be a novelist. I have been engaged making a study of three frights, who live opposite, and have ogled me, by the half day, for many weeks. They appear to be eaten up with pride and vanity, and are so idle and worthless, not Lo say unornamental, they must certainly be a burthen, as they are a disgrace, to their parents. It has been their habit, till recently, to divide their attention between me and the passers-by in the street. Every young man, of more than passable appearance-especially if his apparent condition betokens wealth, is subjected to the battery of their glances, and sought to be enticed by their immodest charms. The young (?)
Page 215 Answers to Correspondents. 215 ladies seem at last to despair of any important impression cn me, and have come to affect a prudish indignation whenever they catch my admiring gaze. As my studies in that quarter are now complete, I turn them over to you, Mr. Editor, and anticipate at your hands such a management of their case as shall happily result (to all appearance) in a salutary reform. If Fitz James's description of the three (idle) graces be correct, we do not accept his offer to "turn them over" to us. We should be in a sad case to know what to do with such unproductive property. Our plan is this:-Of course everybody, including every idle young lady, reads the Prime Mover. Let the three graces see Fitz James's letter. It will make them very indignant-perhaps, for a while, furious; but it will do them good. They will then see themselves as others see them: a most desirable realization. But if F. J. F. J. has exaggerated his picture in any particular, we warn him of perilous consequences. We will not interpose to save him-he must miserably perish. SORROWS OF AN ORGAN-GRINDER. DEAR MR. PRIME MOVER:-I am a poor Italian. The Italians, you are aware, are born in Italy:-0O Italy-my country!shall I never, &c.
Page 216 216 Answers to Correspondents. Forgive my emotion: I was once, sir, a Duke. I owned an island near Corsica, and was a man of considerable consequence. One day my island-with castle, horses, cattle, domestics, fowls, wife, park, children, summer-house, servants-in fine, everything I had in the world, sunk in the sea, [which is very deep there;] and when I came back at night in my boat, [I had been gone since breakfast,] I missed my possessions very much. I had a horse that I perfectly idolized. I became exceedingly mad. " I will have some of them," I shouted, very loud; and letting down a rope with a hook at the end, I drew up, at the third haul, the very organ which I now turn for you and my other friends. " It has been my plaything in happier days; now it shall be my support and solace," I again spoke, [very loud,] to the surrounding sea. I rowed to the main-land quite cheerfully, and commenced my travels. I need not tell you I at last arrived at the Land of the Free, &c., for happily my presence confirms my story, and makes all further proof superfluous. I find, much to my sorrow and grief, [also astonishment,] that the organ is not reverenced in this land as it is in Italy. Oh, Italy! when shall I see thee? &c. I find, here, that to guide the delicate ventages of the Organ's sweet-toned stops, is not a dignified and respectable employment. AlasI where is the taste of America? in which land I am hailed with indecent familiarity by even policemenwhose savage tones, as they hoarsely shout "move on! " indicate contempt, and awaken the Italian blood in my Ducal veins. Are
Page 217 Answers to Correspondents. 217 they respectful enough to a Duke, even granting that Duke is in exile, and has lost his possessions? My talented countrymen Bellini, Rossini, Verdi and Donizetti, [most melodious of them all; you ought to hear me play his Finale to Lucia /] are not understood in this country by the mass of the people. When I interpret their divine melodies, even my sweetest cadences, my most graceful turns, are all unheeded, unappreciated. A vulgar copper or two is all I get for Rossini! a curse may follo w Bellini! a contemptuous "get out I " is almost certain to insult the name of Donizetti. Why is this? ANGELO PAESIELLO GORGONT. Sure enough-why is it? Gorgoni has ground out a pitiable case. We are afraid the mischief lies deep (probably in the pedal-base) among the organic elements of society. Mankind have many wretched quips and cranks to answer for, and among them are prominent those which are turned at the expense of the organ-grinder. Some organs, we confess it, are intolerable; they are out of tune, and out of place, always. Their tone is squeaky, and their average harmony very inharmonious. But (how providential!) there are degrees in organic excellence, or perhaps we should say demerit; and there are some we tolerate-nay, admire. To 10
Page 218 218 Answers to Correspondents. this latter class we gladly believe Gorgoni's organ belongs. We think no one can reasonably include, in one sweeping denunciation, the whole class of these instruments, since Thalberg has seen fit to play on a French musical contrivance that cannot compare, in tone, with some street organs we have heard, and thus dignified an occupation which before, as Angelo Paesiello intimates, has not been in much repute among us. There may be a " brighter day dawning" for our Ducal correspondent and his fellows-for the common run of whom we sincerely wish better organs, more willing and liberal listeners, and the completest exemption from the sneers, taunts, kicks and general injurious and prejudicial treatment of the world. Selah.
Page 219 Mr. PEPPER'S AMAZING ELEVENTH. --o-- PERHAPS it may be doubted by some over-sagacious critics, whether Mr. Pepper-K. N. Pepper, Esq.-is really the author of the subjoined great work. I see no other way but to let these people go on doubting. If the internal evidence of its authenticity is not strong enough to satisfy them, I firmly believe that even a sight of the poet himself-swearing by a large-sized terrapin-would fail to convince them. Perhaps, infact, there is no real foundation for this fancy. I sincerely hope it is but a fancy. TIRKEL: A POME. DEDECAIT TO MR. HUESTON INTO 3 PARTS. PART THE ITH. DIBTINGUISHT MUSE I your humbel fren stil livs I Throo 1 yeres streem he hes sadly Navvigaited
Page 220 220 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. & not ben swalerd by the bilos. Muse He hes ben coald-his clothe ben also wet, His helth verry poor. He hes hed inflooenzy & Alas! soar throat. Biles hes continued fur to maik pereodikel aperens, & his hart hes ben wel ni broak compleetly. Muse 1 your humbel fren wil not complain: The glory ov his acheevments pays him wel Fur evrything inflicted onto him. The imortel pome wich gest 1 yeer ago You helpt him fur to rite, wil ever liv, & magnify his naim like telescoaps Wich maiks a grait Werld ov a litle star. o Muse I no fire, no wotter, pain in bowls, or even Hanah's Faither cant him stop; Fur Potry is the spirrits as preserves His Soal frum a-spilin: talk Potry away, & onfortinet PEPPER must dri up & Vannish. Ken you, o Muse, then hev the cruelty to hang of like you did be4, & peraps Not cum at al? likely you may thine, Becos i dident di wen i sed i wood, ime never a-goin to-wich is a mistaik. i feel this time, o Muse, as ef i coodent Deseev you ef i tride. besids, the goak (Ef youm onfelin enuf to cal it sech) is raither stail; & wel you no i doant
Page 221 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 221 Doo-nothin twicet alike: beleve me, Muse, this time i di without reserv-to l's. i hev prepaired a loc to send to HANAH, tooc frum the moast conspicyous ov my hairShoin how i doant cair now fur loocs, & never did much-but now no moar-alas I o Muse-as wos so offish about the WeelbarerGood Muse-without wich evry pote hes got A bad coald & cant sing: i talk my oath ile never cum to you fur help agin. Wot doo you doo fur egsersize wen you Aint a-puttin up ov potes fur to rite? it seems you otto be thankful fur a oppertoonity fur to maik a yung man faimus. Now cum & help me, Muse, doant be a afeerd-- PEPPER must rite the pome-he feels his Our Hes cum, & wood be glad ov your assistens: o thine a minit ov the onborn Milions Mi gentle Muse, as '11 be ableeged to you I At last youv roas abuv your pregudisi feel your fire a wormin up mi bludi kech your breth so sweet & bamy too: Mi preshus Muse! beleev me yourn til deth! "Ambishun! powerful soars ov Goody Nil I" So sung the Copper pote with silver toung(onhappy she, with sech a misabel faither I)
Page 222 222 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. How ken you be a-settin pepel up to dooin things wich soon thay find thay cant! its perfeckly yousles to deni the charg& ime hapy to se you aint a-goin to. Fur shaim you otto be in beter biznes. You rooind NAPOLIN-a cmart man, Also CESER, ELICK SANDERS, Mr. CRUMMEL, & 100 uthers into the saim serkelAl likly men til you saild in & spilet em. it wos a onwarrantabel Libberty, & cus you fur it & wen you leev the Hewman Speshy a minit, its oanly fur to insite a Resareckshun into the peesful brest ov sum onfortinet Animel. i now alood to TIRKEL: ded & gonWich his story i shel now perseed fur to sing. FUR away, bi shoars ov the wild Oshun, Sitooaited about 20 rods frum the wotter, Lay a peesful pond-not larg, not deep, But a fair sise fur a moderat Tirkel. On it wos varis logs, good for to set on Wen the sun shines, & dive of wen Man Cums with stun or dubbel-barild shot gun. Nise tender frogs wos plenty & not shi: Evrything wos faverbel: & heer livd Hapy & contentid fur meny yeers-a TIRKEL. He wos the kind cald MUD, becos he never
Page 223 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 223 Mindid the dirt, but tooc to it wen persood. in cam Contentment he wood set fur days onto a log, a-dreemin in the Son. Ketch him a worryin! wot shood he wory for? He hed al he cood ete & drinc & wair(Wich last sounds good, but doant signifi much; Like haf the comon potry-but to perseed:) He wos satisfide he coodent doo no beter. the sentiment ov Wor he never felt, Consekently wos mild & Lam-like: Peraps his oanly folt al that time wos His not hevin Energy enuf naterally, & afterwerds his not noin wen he wos wel of. the Berds, a-flyin over, wood say to thayrselves: "Hapy, hapy Tirkel! Thayr he sets, esy, With no cair onto his mind, no trubbel Fur to liv; wilst we, poor fethered Songsters, Must fli & look sharp wether we wonto or not." His mind rund moastly onto a femail Tirkel Wich livd into a nuther pond like hisn & hedent no cruel faither fur to order her: Consekently thay wos together moast ov the time. o, hapy wos these 2 inosent Animels! Like Bobby-lines as wissel al the daySweet Tirkel-Flowers, a-bloin side by side I
Page 224 224 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. PART THE 2TH. (HARK I doo i heer a roar?-i heer a roar.) Go stand onto the shoar & vew grait Oshun I Se the ships, skooners, & morfodite Brigs Wich carry such imens cuantitys ov every thing in varis direckshuns oar his boosum! Se em leev the inteligent Shoars ov germeny Also ov ireland, Liverpool, Frans, afriky, A-caryin ov pepel, iern, wimmen, Umbrels, & salers, with uther things too tegus Fur to menshun: se clowds ov nite obscure sweet Moon, (Wich i l's adrest a pome to-& sed everything:) Behoald Darcnes kech evry 1 bi sirpris, & Ship pichin verry much: waivs roalin bad: in plais wair its 60 or 80 feet deep: Alas I sum a-cryin: captin raither afeerd: Waivs (as i sed be4) a-roalin awful l ý 'SE-TIRKEL is cam. " he wocks the botom Like a thing ov life." (frum BYRON.) wot cairs this awful Savig ov the briny Sees Fur eny sech smal maters? cuite nothin I Alus cam, he sleeps-dreems-etes minnysRoams in feroshus mewsings throo the wotters. Wen he gits disgustid with 1 kind ov food, (Wich Se-Tirkels air raither apt fur to doo,) He goas & dyits onto sumthin els
Page 225 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 225 Cuickly-becos Helth speeks & ses: "TIRKEL I Taik mi advis-be cairful, or youm gon I " Wich consekently results into Eels & sech. Wen his feerful i gits set onto a Clamb, His inerds is Regoised with it to l's; Oister likewais. nothin escaips his vizzhun: Wich pirsipitaits the berth ov the yung Wail, the muther bein so confuged bi its glans& maiks the faither trembil & bring tribyout ov ile. Wots mity Swoard-fish into his hans-wots Se-snaik, Conkerer ov Alegaiter? Wacks 1 Wot ef this mity objeck ses: " ile go ashoar! " He dus so direckly, a-dispisin ov paspoarts. Wen he apeers abuv the Aquis Elemen, Wot dus he say? Thees werds with Dignity: " Fairwel, oshun! fur a few minits, Adoo! ef i choos fur to taik fresh air, Hoos biznes is it? Let eny ov these cussid land Animels Sho thayr fais: How i pitty em ef thay doo I ile sho em how the magisty ov Se-Tirkels Hes got to be observed onto al ocazisns I i woodent yous no pirsonel egzershuns: o no I ide depend onto mi i entirely;-ide Wither em I - i wish fur to hev these Egs preservd. thay shel be! & be the Mejum fur fewter Tirkels " So sayin (& wot cood he ad to sech remarcs?) He graisfly retirs like the meek-ide fon (frum MOoR), 10*
Page 226 226 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. & leevs 2 or 3 mild ov the onhapy shoar A-moarnin fur his los. His Magestic tail Waivs a Eligant fairwel to everything, & he is seen a-goin doun like the settin Son, With splender & enthugyastic Aplos. PART THE 3. AMBIsnuN I remembring wot i sed to you into the 1st part, it wont be nessary to Ashoor you ov mi contemp; but peraps Youm 2 bizzy a-rooinin ov pepel to go bac-- in wich cais cus you, with immens disrespec. Cum forids & looc at sum ov your were I Stand & observ that silen pond thairDride up with Sorow almoast into nothin I Sise cum up frekently frum the cuiet mud: A vois moarns & ses, " Alas! poor Tirkell taik fur away his meloncoly shelGether up the trankil inosent clos& berry em in silens, cuietly. o, he wos al mi fansy panitid him: (frum Moon) & he is gon-sweet, luvly Tirkel " -that vois hes stopt-hes dride up like the pondor wot is left ov boath is verry smal sise. the wind wos a-blowin worm frum the South-est, (it wos the time ov the Yelow feiver),
Page 227 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 227 & brot the smel ov orangis & afrikens Frum the troppicks cuite fresh & saloobris. the pond ov the Mud-Tirkel wos cam-also His mind, maid trankil bi a good nites rest. Hevin servayd his fechers into the wotter, He adrest ov hisself into these few werds: "TIRKEL I Wil you taik a wock this fine mornin? " To wich he replide with plesyour: " Sertinly, & much ableeged to you: " wich setteld ov the pint. o, se that graisful Animel a-wockin! Wot dus he dreem ov? HAPINES, OV COarS: A-winkin to the tre-toads as he goasWich resolvs fur to serenaid him bi nite, Pirformans to comens a 8 o'clock persisely. Alas I-but Muse keep cuiet fur a few minits. Fait toald him fur to taik the bangs ov Oshun, (Wich he hed been thair, so thougt nothin straingBein a admirer ov grait boddys ov wotter:) So he went, wel pleesd with hisself & everything, A-hummin, also a-tryin fur to wissel. then he wocked fur a wile, a-lookin down, Wile WO set a-straddel ov his shel, A-lookin verry Meloncoly, & a-sheddin ov teers. o, ef sum 1 cood hev turnd him around imejitly, wot diferens it wood hev maid!I But noboddy dident-hens the Catastrofy. Sudently Mud-Tirkel cum fur to looc up:
Page 228 228 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. Wot wos a-hed? nothin ony a SE-TIRKEL: As ef that wosent enuf-wich i raither thine it wos. he stood with Magisty-a-wunderin Wot that littel cus wos thair, a-cumin. His douts wos soon dispeld bi actool facs. " Wen wos you born? " sed he, wen " Mud " cum up: "A-4 you wos! " sed Mud-Tirkel, with DignityNot imejitly pirsevin ov his sise; "Say that agin! " sed he. Mud-Tirkel sed it: & then thay roas & stood onto thayr hind legs. "Arize! my son-strech evry nerv!" (frum WOTS) then sed Se-Tirkel, a-lookin doun & a-holerin so the uther 1 cood heer; " o, i ken heer you, verry plain I" sed Mud: & imejitly discuverd he wos smal. With al his egzershuns, wich wos verry grait, He felt he wos a inferor kind ov Tirkel; so, a-lettin ov hisself doun as esy as he cood, He cast his long & lingerin tail behind (frum GRAY,) & a-syin deeply, startid fur the pond. in goin bac he stopt fur 1 moar efert, Bein afeerd he hedent dun his best: He sweld so hard his shel begund fur to crac& yet remaind a verry smal Tirkel. " How hard it is fur to swel much wen youv got A shell" he sed, in Considerbel ageny, A-givin away to the preshoor ov his felings.
Page 229 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 229 He felt bad. he wos sory he tooc the wock: " Cus him," sed he, " fur a imens Humbug I" (Aloodin to the uther Tirkel). after wich His spirrits forsooc him, & he wos tooc sic. His femail fren did evrything she cood: " Cheer up 1" sed she, 1000 times per day: But no youst-he dident talk no interest. she begund fur to git scairt-& wel she miteto se him a-sinkir in spirrits & in mind. At last he refewsd fur to hoald no moar Conversashun, & orderd her of ov the premisis. Wich persedings tooc her with serpris: "Mi sweet Tirk-y is a-gittin huffy, aint he?" sed she, in a afectin vois, cuite sorowfulWich maid worm wotter ov his isy hart, & cuverd ov his shel with perspirashun: " Furgiv me, luv, & stay-ile go miself!" sed he: & then onfortinetly went. the settin sun went doun as he went up. He hed prepaird a few remarcs fur hir, Aloodin in onplesant terms to AmbishunWich Deth cut short in a onfelin maner. the tre-toads sung-but cuite a diferent song: (it wos a Disapointment to em al, Fur thay wosent verry fond ov miner mewsic:) it broak the femail Tirkel's hart to heer it: Her Spirrit now hangs round the silen pond
Page 230 230 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. & speeks the werds aloodid to abuv. se Tirkel's egs wos al wosht away in a awful storm as hapend that saim nite; & he wos finisht bewtfuly hisself, Bi a larg & splendid stroak ov litenin Wich overtooc him wilst a-huntin fur em. Mi preshus Muse your PEPPER taiks his leef He wont hev no moar ocaishun fur your servis. His WERC is finisht-also his poor Life, Neerly. he thanos you verry much fur al Your kindnes, wich hes bein the maikin ov him., He hoaps the Warnin wich we se abuv Wont be cuite lost onto the Hewman SpeshyTo wich, also to you & mi deer HANAH, i leev mi faim, & say at last: FAIRWEL I
Page 231 TO THE WORLD. AN ESSAY.* FOUNDED ON SENSE AND DR. CYRUS THOMSON. BY P. PEPPER PODD. - 0---- THE World is sometimes called the Earth. Sometimes we lead of the Corners of the Earth: the earth being round has no Corners. The earth is * As it would be a pity, should any part of this valuable paper fail of its due effect, I will do what I can to elucidate it by annexing such portions of the note by which it was originally introduced to the public, as have a particular bearing on the subject. Mr. Podd "was recently much struck with a brief literary work entitled 'A:hort Treatise on the County of Onondaga,' and written exclusively by Dr. Thomson, of that county, botanic physician, probably with his left hand tied behind. Mr.
Page 232 232 To the World. round, as we see: eclipses showing it, through smoked glass, at the proper seasons. The seasons are four, viz.: Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter,the last being the coldest. People have been frozen to death in this season. Seasoning is used in Victuals. Victuals cannot be eat on a full Stomach. [What say the Geologists: Red Sandstone is the oldest Rock in P. reveres the world's Benefactor and Friend, now that he has perused the pamphlet I have mentioned, and in the effusion I annex has, in his humble way (as he modestly says), emulated the classic model afforded in the Doctor's style. Mr. Podd desires me, however, to disclaim for him any hopes of having attained to real excellence, in this composition; and to say that all he really expects is some slight credit for having called the attention of men to one greater than he, and whom, he thinks, the world should not willingly let die-if herbs and praise can save him. " The Doctor's powerful essay is addressed to a reasonably large and somewhat comprehensive circle of acquaintance; thus:" 1st, To the Ladies. " 2d, Mechanics, Farmers, Lakes, Rivers, Mills, Soil, Roots Herbs, Crops, Rocks, Gravel, Land, Clay, Brick [being a thoroughly-baked one himself], Lime, Plaster, and Salt.' " Mr. Podd's is addressed simply ' To the World.'"
Page 233 To the World. 233 the world. It is called Red Sandstone because it is Red and Sandy. Here we see its advantage over Hair. Hair never being Red and Sandy at the srme time.] To return to the Stomach: This wp could not do if the Stomach was full. FIRST FOR THE STOMACHS. Suppose a Man: This we have a Right to do. Agree that he has a Stomach: Man being a Digestive Animal. Reflect that this Stomach may be abused: Not by low Language, but by high Diet. Poor Stummy [which playful Term means Stomach], he gits Sick. Is not here a call for the healer? No more (at present) for the Stomachs. AGAIN FOR HERBS. The World has places where vegetable Substances grows: These are Plants. Plants: Herbs. The transition is effected in a Minute, because there is no transition to make. Now, suppose an Herb. Agree that it has got into it a Juice: Which stands to Reason. Allow a Medicine in the Juice that hits Stomachs. Grant there is one [or more] Physician with a name that he conceals: This Doctor not only being
Page 234 234 To the World. " Death on Fits,"-to use a playful expression-but Attentive to Stomachs.-Mark the effect! He sees the Relation [a Blood Relation]. He takes and gits the Medicine out of the Juice. In a commanding method, he says to the Stomach: Git Well/ The tone of his Voice gives tone to the Stomach, and he proposes to Heal all Diseases, at a very low Charge: Considering first the number of Stomachs. Next the World growing such immense quantities of Herbs: Which are for the Healing of the Nations. No more for the Herbs and Stomachs. ODE TO DISEASE. It is important that you should be cured. First, because you can't be endured. Again, people have been known to die: Therefore fly! fly I fly! fly! fly I Disease leave I No more deceive I Disease I ring your Nell Sick people git well! git well I Git well! git well! git well I No more for Disease.
Page 235 To the World. 235 A TOAST TO THE LADIES. You are the Motherwort, Man Root, Ladies' Slipper, Angelica, Archangel, Fern, Queen of the Meadow, Ladies' Sorrel, Nanny Bush, Rose Willow, Squaw Weed, Lovage, and Sweet Flag, of the World. No more for the Ladies. No more for the World. FINIS.
Page 236 PEPPER REDIVIVUS. -0 -I HAVE been told that, soon after the completion of the " Tirkel," a very happy accident prevented the sudden extinction of the fire in Mr. Pepper's breast, and consequent vainless sighing of the world for a few more poems " of the same sort." Having actually resolved on self-destruction, as intimated in his last work, he stood, tall in his desperation and stockings, on the brink of a fearful precipice-a terrible illustration of the lengths to which poor human nature may be driven. Swinging his arms with mournful energy, he began, with awful meaning, the well-known couplet:" One, to begin; two, to show; Three, to make ready; and "--
Page 237 Pepper Redivivus. 231 " Four, not to go!" shouted Mr. Podd, who that instant arrived, in time to complete the thrilling extract and perform (himself being the only instrument) a thrilling extraction: viz., his friend from the jaws of Death! (The best professional dentist in the world would have called for his forceps.) Seizing the desperate Pepper, he made the glad announcement that old Walters was dead, and Hannah Jane free I That the terrible revulsion of feeling produced in the poet's breast by this overwhelming news, should have caused him to swoon with joy-who can wonder? He did swoon. About the next thing he did, when he had revived, I should judge to have been something that made the following note and poem possible, even in the natural cause of events:--* North-Demosthenes, Sept. 15,1857. " Mr. CLARK: i supoas you doant need to be informd that 'i stil liv,' & am part ov the firm ov PEPPER & WALTERS, delers in Domestic Hapines, & sech: ef you doo, heerbi taik notis to that efec: ime a ni naber ov fren PODDS, wich livs at the 4 corners. "i raither giv out, in my last pome, that mi Muse hed ben set * Clark says, PEPPER'S long silence was a consequence of his "disgust at the temerity of his puny tribe of imitators." I think it belonged to love and happiness.
Page 238 238 Pepper Redivivus. fre, & coodent be cald on at site fur no moar inspirashun: wot may astonish you, i hev roat a littel pome without consultion ov her; bein a adres to my infant Son, now severil munths & a number ov days oald, & constantly gitin oalder. ef you thine it wil doo to print fur mi frens, & isent entirely behind mi oald stile, plees insert & ablige yours, K. N. PEPPER. N. B.: i coodent git it al into 14 lines (wich maiks a sunnit), so ive roat the rest into proas. SUNNIT TO MI LITTEL SON PETER. ' WELCUM, sweet cus, to your faither's family-serkel 1 sech littel Red republikens as you Wercs revolooshuns every wers, 't is troo. taik your oan faither, now, wich rote the " Tirkel," " Weelbarer," & a few moar sech pomes: youv maid him hapy; but youv sp'ilt his genus. No moar imortel Wercs I but PETE, between us, i shel git up a practikel were, on Hoams, With cullerd cuts (youm 1) on evry sheet, ile cal it PBPPER'S last & graitest Aim, (1 wich i raither thine is hard to beet.) Domestic Hapines shel be the naim: inspird bi HANAH GANE, your nateral muther, & roat bi your faither, onles youv got sum uther parrent, wich aint likely. PETER I gro up & maik a distinguisht man-is the prair ov your luving faither, K. N. PEPPER.
Page 239 A WARNING: OR, THE EFFECT OF THE ABOLITION OF CAPITAL PUN-ISHMENT. -0-- "Here are a few of the unpleasant'st words That ever blotted paper."-MERCHANT OF VENICE. " Punster: A quibbler, a low wit."-WALKER. I AM melancholy when I think how often time and ingenuity are wasted, in efforts to distort words from their legitimate meanings and achieve a questionable popularity by the paltry trick of childish plays upon words. All such wretched stuff is foreign to the dignity of established writers. Entertaining these views, how was I pained and grieved, the other day, to receive a note which convinced me there exists a person who finds his happiness in the very pursuit my taste has condemned I How I pity that
Page 240 240 A Warning. young man! How glad I am to know (as I have lately learned) the vice is not so rooted in his nature, by the practice of a long life, that it may not in time be extirpated! In that benevolent hope, I indulge the youth (for he is no more), and consent to the inevitable disfigurement of this volume, both to please him, and afford the world the startling evidence of his present dreadful condition. It will be seen, that he rarely or never arrives at a good pun (if such an adjective may be coupled with so very common a noun), nor indeed does he seem to aim that way; but contents himself with wretchedly lack-lustre quibbles and forced conjunctions of similar sounds. Below is his wretched effusion; but I am not in haste to reach it.-I think he should never die: at least his shade (when he does) should "keep shady" when Dr. Johnson's approaches. (How true it is, that " evil ' communications' corrupt good manners"-and habits! I have caught myself at last indulging in the pitiful luxury of a pun! I am consoled by the reflection that it is a very good one, when compared with his, and by the resolution I herewith firmly make, never to attempt another). Indeed, from a horrible discovery I have this day made, I think he
Page 241 A Warning. 241 will never die. He called upon me, and in the course of our brief conversation confessed he was once guilty of an act still more criminal than the composing that piece. Then I said, commiserating the poor wretch, "Sir, if you are the Wandering Jew, heaven help you." His brief and melancholy reply was: " I am 1" -and sighing deeply, he vanished with a sad grace. "TO TWO TOADS. PRO-LOG. " 0 Great, full, grateful sound: a nightly payment-though there is no pay meant-by my little customers, those cuss'd hummers of the pond. I owe them, now; and soon my Muse shall '0' them. No strange topic to pick up, while those pond,erous tones, seemingly by tons, come forth, and forthwith shake all the air with their 'air'-which has no 'variation,' nor 'shadow of 'turn'-ing,' nor shakes,' nor 't(h)rill'ing harmony. Come here, and hear! That awful strain is an awful strain on my tympanum. I should be pleased at the prospect of being eased: seized by death: deceased-without being diseased. Open, 0 pen in puny pun-y style, a stylish poem that I owe 'em; which, in its witchery of numbers, may make numbers of others (m-others, br-others, and all t'others) cut short, by a short cut, these 'winding bouts' in which they are winding about; and as these two 'come to,' let others come too, and 11
Page 242 242 A Warning. all come to a stand-taking a standee, where they can 'stand easy' (say form into position), safe from interposition. "THE VIR* SAYS: "Songsters! your song stirs my bosom. (Such a stir has your singing effected 1) I'm affected-I soon shall 'boo-hoo' some, Not checked by your singing 'affected.' Your 'key' you keep pitched, when you pitch on it; The reason was ever a mystery: To hold it so, do you keep pitch on it?A key were never amiss, tarry. "But, Toads!-to des-cribe this scribe's raptures, Must take (you must 'take!') two long chapters. Some salve?-(Oh, that salvo!)-I've wrapped yours About a girl's hand (too long chapped, hers); With the small box I plastered-then pitied her, As the small-pox soon mastered, then pitted her: Thus kin being wholly unfitting herThe skin being hole-y, and fitting her.' " Sweetness could no further go," the author adds, in a quotation. There is no need of it. "Sweetness" has gone quite far enough. Poor JEW I * The Hebrew knows Latin.
Page 243 Mr. PEPPER RE-" PETE" S HIMSELF. -0- - N O one can reasonably expect a happy man to be very sentimental. The poet is happy: hence the subjoined great Poem is cheerful in its general tone, and (like the denouement of a novel) very ap. propriately terminates the list of his remarkable achievements. Whether he will ever again court his Muse, is a question which time alone can determine:PETE: AN AVERIG POME (FUR LENGTH:) DEDECAIT TO L. GALERD CLARK. BY MR. K. N. PEPPER, ESQ. SING PETE, o Muse!-he bein mi littel BoyMi oanly son-with short & strait wite hair, & (at present) the Mezels. wot he wil go into next, peraps you no, but i doant. His culler isent good, & the saim remarc
Page 244 244 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. Wil apli to his apetite. The Doctor ses PETE hes got the moast Mezels he ever see onto a boy. he likewais ses, gudgin bi the stoc, He'll wip em, & giv em haf to start with. (Wairin i agre with doc, & go him sum better.) Now go it Muse-give us a good 1 on PETE. PAws, strainger, & taik a looc at a Cradel about 1 yeer ago. wot doo you se into it? (as the man sed wen he saw the feller a-lookin into Futoority.) 1st observ that luvly Form, a-rockin ov it. thats HANAH GANE, a mild wooman, week as a fool, & thinkin ov Baby, ile bet 50 sents. thairs a wooman, now, a man ken be proud ov. But taik a nuther looc into the littel Cradel I se suthin Red? thats the present PETEsay 1 day oald I hees a-yellin. taint much Fur a yel, but as good as moast yung yels. a-smilin kind ov plesent, HANAH settels him, &presently gits him so he doant even grunt. Wot a uncomon luvly thing is a yoothful infant! Droolin doant spile it, for its pa & ma I its a kind ov Bud-a ignorant Buda no-nothin Flour, wich aint - Floura inosent Aingel, a-chaingin into a Man & a-gittin cuite smal wilst a-goin throo I
Page 245 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete"s Himself. 245 its littel hed is al smooth; it haint no teth; its fechers aint worth menshunin, thaym so teanty. different frum dog, it ken se to 1's. (Cat doant se wel, long at 1st.) Wot is rich, youm releevd, the very 1st thing, about thayr bein born Dum, &c4th. How the littel cusses wil yel, sumtimes 1 PETES a good exampel ov the yellin kind. But thats pain in Bowls-Genuses complaint: i hed it, this mornin, so i thougt ide dL thats wi ime a-ritin this minit. But to return, as the Comeck sed. TAIK a nuther vew. j dozen at saim pris (as the man sed wen he giv his boy a lickin.) Wot do you cal that, a-wigglin onto the floar? thairs the Potry ov Moshun, dun up smal. thats PETE, at 6 munths. How he creeps, tho I Few Babys are cmart at 6 munths. its nothin but yel, yel, yel, with moast on em. How different PETE I PETE incuires. PETE lerns. Wots he a-lookin at now? a hoal into the carpit. He noas it otto be fixt. He almoast ses so. fix it PETE, wile your hand is in. (He Dus it throo HANAI; heer she cums, with a nedeL) industry & Pete!-wot a site for a faither I the contemplaishun ov Babys at 6 munths is fine.
Page 246 246 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. How interestin, to se a littel rip gro I How Astonishin that Milk is al he wonts I Wots ham & egs, or sider, or a pipe, to him? He thincs ov nothin but a-groin. wot a pity Hees got to go throo so much, incloodin Sicnes I so much a-goin throo him at the saim time. HANAH GANE stiCS to it PETE sed pa as plain as eny body, at 6 munths. His i's wos a kind ov blooish wite at that perid. not a hair onto his hed eny wers. HANAH sed his noas wos exacly like mine. or wil be wen he gits a noas, i replideAt wich HANAH laft moast mewsikel. But to cum agin, as the Collery sed. LOOC 1's moar, pervidin time aint presin. Wot doo you se now? as the mise sed to the Owl in a corner ov the Gardin (the north corner) a angelic Form, under a plum tre, a-hoaldin a Baby. (PETE at 12 munths.) looc twist; 2nd time a good wile, with both i's. aint the Bud a cumin on Grand? HANAH too is uncommon wel, you se. everything is a-smilin, incloodin the cmal dog. Sorry to trubbel you, but looc gest over-hed. Without a-strainin ov your i's much, youl probbly se
Page 247 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. 247 A clowd blacker than wot scairt ABNER, wen he cut. thats cuttin teth & canker Rash, boath raither haisty. the clowd cums down: you se nothin: but Mity I how you ken heer, tho 1 A rip with'good lungs stans a good chans. PETES chans is uncomon good. 1st clas. Babys at 12 munths air plesent fur to looc at. thair is sumthin fine in a yeer oald Boy. Hair cums on good; likewais teth & noas. thay begin for to swel! sumtims wock I thay say ma & pa cuite distinct! thay Doant drool much; thay ete masht tater: & engoy life pooty cumferbel, considerin. Wot a gurl dus at 1 yeer i doant reely no. ef PETE, now, wos a gurl, i supoas i shood. i doant talk no interist into gurls. But to leev that pint, as the man sed to the Bagnit. TAIK 1 moar looc, as the drowin man sed Wen he cum up fur the 3rd time. thairs a Vew (PETE at 18 munths.) Air you struc much? as the litenin sed to the man. Wot a cus, at a yeer & I, aint he? oanly 18 munths! wot a chaing, in 6! taik away the Mezels, & wair is his ekal! How the Mezels spots a boy tho! How HANAH laft, wen i askt ef GoDFRYS Corjal wos good
Page 248 248 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. fur the Mezels! opodildoc maid her agin. i thine i tooc sulfer & molasis, but aint shoor. PETE is pashenitly fond ov Caster ile! Becos i supoas it is sech an egspensive drinc. He raither prefers coald Prest ile. (Worm, with milk: i taik it coald without.) At 18 munths, Baby's air a rich site. With sum atenslun to noas, &c4th, (not moarn a minit in a day, at that,) You ken maik em shine! thayr conversashun isent wot you may cal instructiv; but it kind ov melts into a parrens felings, & pleses al but uther parrens, with yung V's-- Wich thincs thay aint no grait shaiks after al, Compaird with sum thayv seen. (HANAH herd Missis JEFERS say them verry werds to her husban, wen thayd ben a collin hear, Be4 thayd fairly got to the gait; thay Hevin 2 or 3 squockers ov thayr oan, i beleev. Youd thine twos I dozen, bi the nois.) Wen thay git a littel oalder thayr kind ov handy about a Hous; fedin pigs &c4th, fechin wotter, Splittin kindlin wood, & a duzen uther choars. i shel feel bad the 1st time i wail PETE. i reely doant no as i ever ken, hese so pooty. i ges ile let HANAH doo it wen nessary, & tri & keep onto the rite side. But
Page 249 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete"s Himself. 249 enuf onto that hed, as the man sed wen hede kild his wife. Muse much ableeged. Fairwel. WOT doo you thine ov PETE? I now dismiss the gifted PEPPER: muttering, with an air of mingled confidence and timidity, this venerable and deprecatory apothegm:( MALA GRAMMATICA NON VITIAT CHARTAM." 11* 0,
Page 250 A DELIBATION ON STYLE. -0-------- EMANATING FROM MY ANTRE. AS I grow older-I am so old, now, I am almost a fool,-my taste for really fine writing grows stronger and stronger. An elegant piece of composition affects me much as a fine painting does. I presume, reader, you are impatient to know my ideal of fine writing. I am not only impatient but anxious to lay that ideal before you. If you have thought but little on this subject, you will be amazed at the simplicity of my method of arriving at excellence, and charmed with the ease of attaining to heights quite inaccessible before. To show the wonderful grasp of my own unaided mind, I will now condense, into one sentence, everything in my system that is at all essential. The prime and
Page 251 A Delibation on Style. 251 ultimate desideratum of him who aims at nothing below the mountain-peaks of excellence in style should be the shunning all common features. Thus, he should employ only unhacknied terms; avoid all idioms; and preserve, under every phase of subjectmatter, a certain dignity, a quiet loftiness of tone, beyond the reach, or indeed comprehension, of mediocrity. Let the composition in hand be high-sounding in terms, and majestic in its general flow,-and whether you are likely to be understood or not, you may safely count on the admiration and respect of all your readers. Let me elucidate my system. I will suppose the case of an audience assembled to witness some performance at the Academy of Music-a delay-and an unexpected speech by a stranger. At the risk of offending you by associating, with excellence, a very uncomplimentary shadow, I will indulge myself in two reports of the affair; the first, a humble approach to the style I worship, and the other, a re-cast of the subject, in a commoner mould. Among other and more important advantages of my system, you will perceive that, by it, length may be secured-which writers will allow is no slight advantage.
Page 252 252 A Delibation on Style. FIRST REPORT. " AN immense, luctating throng was collocated. All ages and conditions were there commingled; senile sires, and grandames long in drear senescence, alternated with unablactated infants and the intervenient growths of humanity. For a period there was something quite lethargic in the quiet; but ere long the deferring began to commove the people, and ominated a general concitation-the prognostic and final diagnostic of which was the now frequent allision of hands, opertaneous curses, and streporous, vague shouts with no apparent purpose. The catacoustic results of this resounding prolusion were astounding; the reboition by the walls commingling and unsignificising the sounds, and distracting as well as deafening the unbfrtunate being necessitated to be a listener. But at last the effect of this popular commotion was manifest. An orgillous, ponderous, englutted, oleaginous, atrabilarous individual with a cane, took his operose way to the centre of the space before the curtain; upon which, a seeming prolocutor among the people ejaculated 'Order!' and caused the tumult to subside. The obese stranger possessed rather a plebeian than aristocratic look; and his ver SECOND REPORT. " A regular crowd was jammed into the Academy. Old foozles, of both sexes, were there-so were squalling brats. In ten minutes from the time the affair was advertised to come off, the jolliest row could be confidently looked for. Yells, hoots, claps, stamps, and groans shook the walls, and stunned everybody. Just in time to save a regular caving-in of the building, a fat, pompous-looking old chap, with a solemn air, a cane, and a dull red face, appeared before the curtain, and waddled to the centre of the stage,-where he stood awhile, puffing and sweating: (like a bud) not yet ready to 'blow.' For a moment nis chances of being heard seemed rather slim; but all doubts were soon removed by
Page 253 A Delibation on Style. 253 meil countenance was bathed in that aqueous effusion which usually results from heat and excitement. He at once began indesinently to pour out a cataclysm of incoherent eloquence, abounding in expletives and periphrasis, and exhibiting, throughout, a perplexing semidiaphaneity of meaning. His utterance soon became inspissate; and his wanderings, in body and mind, betrayed his familiarity with loxodromics. He seemed engaged in a luctation with his emotions. Repeated indiscreet humectations of his whistle had evidently overpowered him. He.had begun to hesitate for words, an ill-directed ptyalism was suffusing his hirsute appendage, and he was aiding his meaning with frequent grimaces and ceiliads (being threatened with complete obmutescence)-when his performances became unbearable to the people, who now indulged in the frequent ejaculation, -'Exsiccate!-Exsiccate!' Hisses aided the dehortation. A humorous person in the throng denominated him ' that rare plant, the Anemone,' otherwise, the Windflower. They threatened, if he remained, to effect his forcible metathesis, and subjiect his fleece to inustion. One well-versed in physiognomy would have discovered in his countenance at this the mighty yell of ' Order from a pair of brazen lungs, which cry majestically shut down the noisy crowd at once. The fat Unknown commenced his remarks; but it soon became fully evident that he was drunk. Nobody could make head or tail of his speech, or give the remotest guess at what he was driving at. His voice grew thicker and thicker; he stumbled awfully, and gave other evidences of being well swizzled-such as making faces, and winking significantly, to aid his meaning. The crowd were soon disgusted. Cries of 'Dry up!-dry up!' became frequent, and hisses, hoots, shrill noises of various kinds, effectually flabbergasted him. This effect was partly brought about by the apples, oranges, &c., that showered around him-one hit
Page 254 254 A Delibation on Style. moment strong indications of ting him in the left peeper. So, intimidation and alarm; for the expressions of displeasure were concluding to tortle, he drew now ecumenical. The defoe- himself up, proud but disgustdated atmosphere was resonant with the tumult. Projectiles ed, bowed sarcastically, and were traversing the whole interior-impinging freely against dignifiedly cut his lucky. No his person. He now digni- use trying to stem a crowd. fiedly placed his zo6phoric cane under his arm, salaamed with The first thing the greasy vicgrace, and passed majestically from the field of vision. His tim probably did, after leaving, stately avolation, conjoined with the simultaneous sibila- was to buy a plaster for his tion, afforded a diverting in- bunged eye." stance of the overwhelming power of the popular will. The ponderous quondam declaimer, being stricken in the sinister optic by a flying missile, probably proceeded to negociate for a xerocollyrium." Is comment necessary?
Page 255 L'ENVOI. -0 -"Honest Sancho-discreet Sancho-Christian and sincere Sancho, let us leave these phantoms, and go in quest of adventures more dignified and substantial."-DoN QUIXOTE. " What a case am I in, then, that am neither a good epilogue, nor cannot insinuate with you in the behalf of a good play!"-As You LIKE IT. G ENTLE READER:-Since you have followed me so far, I take it you are my friend. And I am yours. Believe me, I am not one of those insufferable persons who, to speak as a musician, delight to make a tedious solo of that which was expected to be a duet, and have the assurance to term their performance an harmonious conversation. For now the height of my desire is, that you might be with me here, in body, prepared to sustain, to the
Page 256 256 L'Envoi. full, your part in that friendly chat which I should take the care to set going. I am ready, now, to lay aside, as a thing to be disused, this comic mask, with its exaggerated grin, from behind which I have sometimes peeped for a moment, to set you thinking by the apparition of a sober countenance. I would love to listen, with a pleased and serious attention, to all you would kindly say: for the voice of a friend is a pleasant music to me, and is never wearisome. But this may not be. Much against my will, I must alone sustain the burden of this last communion, if there be one;-on me devolves the duty of reviewing our brief acquaintance, of expressing good wishes for the future, and bidding the final adieux. As we observe, in actual life, that they who are most affected by the nearness of a separation, are the least heartened to make a flourish with their protestations; so it will become me to cultivate a brevity, in this place, and a manner chastened by subdued emotion,and not to weary you with prolonged and insincere assurances, or shock your nicer feelings by the display of an unnatural gaiety. 1"It is certain that good Humour do wonderfully heighten Beauty," is a cheerful sentiment found in
Page 257 L'Envoi. 257 Mr. Pips his Diary. Beauty not less of mind, fair reader, than person. How may we promote this "good Humour," so justly valued by Mr. Pips? Why, in no better way than by the reading of cheerful books. If Mr. Pepper and I have made a book of this kind,-if it should happen to have brightened some dull faces, or lightened for the moment a few heavy hearts-why, I cannot say I am sorry we allowed ourselves to write it. I might almost address my associate in the language of the warm-hearted Mrs. Gamp, who, at the termination of some alternated funereal labor, exclaims to Mrs. Harris with cordiality: "I hope it won't be long afore we works together, off an on, again." On second thought, it would not be possible to make that classic language apply; since Mr. Pepper will hardly lend himself again to the schemes of a literary speculator. But there is nothing to prevent me from again skimming the cream off a most prodigious quantity of the "Cmilk of human kindness," and blessing the world with the oleaginous result. Stupid me! where is my pet figure of the "Museum of Fancies?" You will remember I made a great flourish with it when I bowed you in. But every
Page 258 258 L'Envoi. one, now and then, "misses his figure." So you have "seen everything," have you? And now, I suppose, you want your money back. "Don't you wish you may get it!" I see I wrong you: you were but regretting the smallness of the collection. I could easily have made it larger; but I thought it wise to err on the safer side. Perhaps, so far from being displeased, you have at times half allowed yourself to think it would be a fine recreation to "make such things" yourself. Strangle those fancies, my friend, as fast as they are born. Even the frailest, of the fabrics you admire, were not made without labor: and the artiste had not always a grin on his face. Be thankful you have the heart to laugh at conceits which to him have long outlived their point, if they ever seemed to have one. You "must be going?" Well, good-bye:-did I hurt you? Ah! it has been remarked my grasp is hearty. I see one may be too cordial. Let me wave my hand, and say: FAREWELL. THE EXHIBITION IS CLOSED: AND THE SMILING PROPRIETOR (A GREAT HUMBUG) GONE WITH THE MONEY.
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