The Quakers art of courtship, or, The Yea-and-nay academy of complements calculated for the meridian of the Bull-and-Mouth and may indifferently serve the brethren of the wind-mill order for noddification in any part of will-a-wisp land / by the author of Teagueland jests.

CHAP. IV. (Book 4)

Certain Instructions for such as would learn to Accost after the most refined Manner, in use among the Bull-and-Mouth People.

FRiends may be observed to distinguish themselves into divers Sorts, and ac∣cordingly have several ways to Address, and Greetings used amongst them. There are a rough-hewen, stubborn, stiff-necked sort of Yea-and-Nay People, that are of a more morose, sullen, and reserved Tem∣per: There are a sort of sinical, spruce, dapper, Periwig-friends, that are of a more refined Cut. And there are another kind of Wet-Quakers (so called) because they will Soak up abundance of the Crea∣ture, and lie dabling in a Tavern, or •• Friends House, for divers hours together, and never shrink a Hair for it. These are of a more Sociable,* 1.1 Com∣plaisant, and* 1.2 Debonnaire Make than the rest of the Profession, and rather than fail will Asso∣ciate themselves with the Publicans, and

Men of the Times, to beget in them a good Opinion of the Genius and Humour of Friends; that they may see that Friends are not so far removed from the Influences of Flesh and Blood, but that they can relish the Refreshments of the Creature, and take a share in the liberal use of her Bounties.

As for the first Sort of these, as their Temper is more rugged, so is their way of Greeting more Blunt, Stiff and Inflexible; for their Posture is ordinarily with their Arms folded upon their Breast, their Hats somewhat of a larger Size, less Hair on their Heads, and less Linen appearing in their Neckcloths than the rest; a walk slow, starch'd and severe, and out of that Posture they will not put themselves upon the account of any Person whatsoever; for as for carnal Men, they pass them by, ei∣ther wholly neglected, or at best allow them but an Innuendo. Upon meeting an Acquaintance, they shall just stop in the same Posture, and stare ye full in the Face with,

How dost thee, Edward, or William?

How fares it with thee?

How it is? or so; and then casting their Eyes down on the Ground, of a sudden walk off with a Humh, Fare thee well.

The second Sort accosts thee after a much different manner, with an Air and Grace very obliging, having their Hats more Fashionable, their Cravats larger, their Apparel of a more gentile Cut, of very fine Cloath, and richer Lining; with an inviting Bow, inclining pretty low, a gentle Elevation, and a courteous Grasp by the hand; with,

Friend Samuel, how is it with thee?

Sometimes (if Gloves are off) a soft touch in the Palm, and a pretty sort of grin, twinkling the Eyes; Friend how dost thee do? or the like, holding thee by the Hand in friendly manner; and sweetly Leering in thy Face all the while, shall ask thee, Art thee free to take a Dish of Coffee, or a Walk upon Change, or the like; where these mortified Self-deniers shall be sur∣rounded with Brokers, Chapmen, Masters of Ships, Messages, &c, as if they had En∣gross'd all the Trade of the River: But if thou art not free to go, thou art dis∣miss'd with a Humh, I am very busie: Well, I should be glad to see thee some time, &c. This the base Censorious World may be apt to interpret Ostentation, or so; but Friends well know the Advantage of this way of Courtship.

But now it fares much otherwise if one or so of the prettier sort of She-friends happen to come athwart these second kind of Friends; for then the pretty Simpers are made, the Face drest with friendly Smiles. Then it is fit that business should give way, that Friends outward Man may take some Creature refreshing: Then Humh, Alack, alack, Susan, I am glad to see thee; why, when wast thee in Town before? How is it with John, or Robert? (If she be a married Woman) When dost thee expect him home? or, How is it with thy Family? &c. She-friend replies, Indeed I think it may be a pretty while since I saw thee, but I re∣joice to see thee so well tho; why, thee lookest very well; I am in some doubt whether I may see John yet this month or two; but when wilt thee call at Hors••y-down, or Lime-house? Verily thee mayst come if thee didst think it convenient, if it may so stand with thy Business. Yea verily, Susanna, (continues Male-friend) I think it may very well stand with my Business at this time; I warrant thee maist be thirsty with walking so far, therefore I would have thee accept of some Refreshment at Friend M's, I use to go there with a Friend sometimes? Well then, quoth Fe∣male,

since thee beest Free unto it, I shall be Free to go with thee for some time.

Then (because Friends cannot Epicu∣rize) the pint of Old-Hoc is called for, and the ••arrel of Oysters; then up comes the Florence, Tuscane and Canary, the Sturgeon, Lobsters, Pigeons, Westphalia Bacon, cold Capon, Anchovies, Caveare or cold Salet, according to the Season; and being very mellow, the Door is fa∣stned, and Friends endeavour to wear off the Fumes of the Banquet; and being known to be Friends of the Light, the Drawer disturbs them not until the Streets are pretty Dark, then the Coach is pri∣vately called to the Door, and Friends gentily slide in, and rumble home after the Ceremony of a private holding forth. Next I come once more to the Wet-Brother, who is an indifferent Sociable Animal, and of a more Complaisant way of Address; for he commonly greets his Acquaintance not altogether unsuitable to their Quality, for he is heard to say to a Lord, Lord P. or Lord S. how is it with thee? to a Military Officer, Collonel P. or, Captain W. thee art a Man of a good humour, and thee talk∣est very prettily, or so: I could be glad to drink a glass of Wine with thee sometimes,

but thou art so given to swear in thy Discourse that Friends think it not well for me to be with thee. So after this pretty sort of Insinu∣ating manner Wet-friend creeps into any sort of Company, and is as free of his Bottles and Collations as the Topmost of them all, Canting after his Yea-and-Nay manner, till the repeated Glasses of Wine so enflame his Light, that it may be seen to blaze at his Face and Eyes: Thus it is observable, that Wet-brother never balks nor ceases to force about the Glass, with a wilt not thee drink, Captain P.? or the like, until, as was said, his outward Taberna∣cle seems to be all on fire. Then is Friend become the Buffoon of the Company, hold∣ing forth in the abundance of his own Sence, till he has talked and drunk himself into the Opinion of all in the Room; then a Song is admitted to be seasonable, and Friends outward Man approves the Wit of it; then out comes the unsanctified Humh! It were pity such an ingenious Man should be so much given to Waggery; but to deal plainly with thee, I never was against any thing that was smart and witty, though Friends themselves were Exposed in it. Hick-cough prevented Friend from enlarging upon that Point.

This may suffice to give thee an Intima∣tion of the Morals of Friends, when that which is called the outward Man prevails; for that obstinate Case many times will car∣ry the Light within into places of such ob∣scurity, that there may be little or no Signs of the inward Refulgencies, as damps; and ill Vapours are observed to stifle the Shinings of a tallow Tapour, which puts a Period to the Fourth Chapter.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Wicked Words.
• * 1.2

  Wicked Words.